Adjustment
by Dana Poole Rules
Summary: Post Series Finale - the gang moves away but still sticks together and they adjust to being reg. ppl - involves the characters in more of a 'living together' atmosphere and those types of issues that they would have. Ships: FW to FX, some WK, and B?
1. Part I

post season 7 and everything happened...   
  
thanks for reading and I hope you like :)   
  
Adjustment   
  
Part I   
  
Rating: R  
  
* * denotes thought   
  
AN: trust me - I am the ultimate FX fan and this will be an FX fic,   
  
but I wanted to make sure I had a good base to work with, so hold in   
  
there :) and I like Wood but I also like to mess with all of my characters a little bit, so I won't bash anyone, but it'll be fun - even if you don't like the character's I'm dealing with :)   
  
Disclaimer: nothing is minee but the story.   
  
After Series Finale – My continuation :)  
  
Adjustment - Part I   
  
The sun hit the car as if all of it's solar energy were being   
  
focused on that one mere object, the one mid-sized vehicle holding   
  
newly deemed, fairly ordinary people. With the world full of   
  
awakening Slayers, the contents of this vehicle wasn't *so* out of   
  
the ordinary any more, yet the sun still seemed to concentrate on   
  
it. Xander shrugged off his thoughts that were stemming from both   
  
boredom and delirium due to the past week. After the collapse of the   
  
hell-mouth and the vast transformation of all of their lives, the   
  
last week had been full of decisions and weird feelings. Xander   
  
smiled to himself as he realized, not for the first time, but it had   
  
been a while since he even had time to think of such things, the   
  
Scoobies and all of his `family' were so different. If they were   
  
ordinary people without this single thing in common they would've   
  
never been associated with each other. There were underlying   
  
similarities between all of them, but on the surface the only thing   
  
that really connected any of them was the eternal battle against evil   
  
and now with that battle not being the primary focus of their lives,   
  
everyone was faced with the realization that they didn't need to   
  
remain together. Everyone was faced with weird feelings of   
  
separation, doubt, denial, and insecurity even though none of them   
  
had really changed anything yet, they were simply considering their   
  
options. Even though there were many people involved in the group   
  
that didn't exactly `get along', not to name names, but what struck   
  
Xander as really cool was that when actually faced with the option to   
  
leave each other and not have to deal with one another, everyone   
  
stuck together.   
  
Giles called into Angel after things settled down after the   
  
big battle to make sure everything was alright on their front and   
  
really to find out what they were to do next. What had happened was   
  
something that had never even been thought of before and he was   
  
befuddled as to what to do, how to continue. Speaking with Angel he   
  
heard there was some organized vampire activity in the town of   
  
Warkensaw, a fairly busy city towards the North of the United   
  
States. Giles had also received a call from the council, for the   
  
first time since being separated from the organization, and was   
  
notified of the new leader and also many of the new policies. It was   
  
branching out and becoming much less of a formal organization, and   
  
with that their funds were not needed to such a mass extent. With   
  
that, and the new presidents eagerness to thank Giles and `his   
  
Slayer's' as he referred to them as, he would be wiring Giles a   
  
fairly unlimited amount of funds as an expression of the Council's   
  
gratitude. Giles had already found himself somewhat giddy at the   
  
idea of the Council placing the successes of Buffy and Faith on his   
  
behalf but he was utterly dumbfounded when they notified him of the   
  
financial aid they would be supplying him with. He was also notified   
  
of his new title as Chief Advisor of the Watcher's Council of North   
  
America. For the majority of the drive he had been surrounded by his   
  
own thoughts and plans, but his aura assured everyone of his   
  
happiness.   
  
Once Giles had announced the good news to everyone he made it   
  
clear to everyone that parting ways was completely an option and   
  
would not be looked down upon by anyone. After some planning, the   
  
majority of the group headed off together towards the north with the   
  
exception of the majority of the Potential-now Slayer's who met with   
  
their new watchers and scattered across the country. Kennedy decided   
  
she wanted to stick with the gang if they would let her and she was   
  
happily allowed to come along. The group squeezed into two vehicles   
  
and hit the road close to a week after their victory against the   
  
First. In one vehicle was Buffy, Giles, Willow, and Kennedy, and in   
  
the other was Xander, Faith, Robin, Dawn, and Andrew. The passenger   
  
capacity wasn't bad but with everyone's clothes and food supplies and   
  
the endless miles of driving, the vehicles felt cramped none the   
  
less.   
  
Xander drove comfortably in the black Suburban he had been   
  
given to drive and he enjoyed the time he had to think things over   
  
without having to have it speculated by everyone else. He also   
  
didn't mind watching Faith who was sitting in the passenger seat. If   
  
nothing else her expressions always amazed him and he really liked   
  
just watching her. She was sitting with her feet pressed up against   
  
the windshield while sitting deeply in the seat headphones blasting   
  
so that he could hear the songs right along with her if no one else   
  
was talking, which had been a problem thus far. She was staring out   
  
the window with her hair lying comfortably on her shoulders, loose   
  
and curly, and her sunglasses aiding her in appearing to not be deep   
  
in thought even though Xander could tell she was. She was in a   
  
comfortable pair of baggy black sweat pants with pockets down the   
  
side of the leg and a white tank top. She had been pretty quiet for   
  
Faith since they all started planning what was going to happen to the   
  
point that Xander thought she might skip out on everyone but she   
  
pleasantly surprised him. When questioned by Giles whether she would   
  
be accompanying them she answered with, `you think you're getting'   
  
rid of me that easy, G-man?' and a tired smile. Even though she had   
  
been quiet and stayed out of a lot of the planning she had been   
  
really helpful in packing and getting everything organized so they   
  
could actually get out of the border of Sunnydale within this   
  
decade. Xander assumed that Faith was trying to make it clear to   
  
Buffy that she wanted nothing to do with being in charge as Buffy had   
  
occasionally misunderstood Faith's involvement as competing for her   
  
position.   
  
The look on her face now was one that made Xander wonder. He   
  
couldn't really read it, which wasn't completely out of the ordinary   
  
when it came to Faith, but he hadn't ever seen her like this – it   
  
wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was just kind of weird. Like now,   
  
she was staring out of the window watching the passing scenery like   
  
she wanted to both soak every drop of it in but at the same time she   
  
was trying to forget just as much. He wondered whether Faith   
  
questioning Buffy about what she was going to do now that she wasn't   
  
the chosen *one*, was actually bothering Faith as well. He also   
  
wondered for the first time since Faith had returned to them what had   
  
been her experience in prison… Xander quickly turned that thought off   
  
in his head feeling guilt and anxiety overwhelm his body within   
  
seconds. He knew she had placed herself there, but he still felt   
  
guilt for allowing someone he cared for so much to be in that kind of   
  
situation.   
  
In the other car, a smaller one loaded with less supplies   
  
than the Suburban was more of a cute picture than the other. The   
  
suburban had Faith and Xander in the front deep in serious thought   
  
without any exchange, Faith refusing to really look at anyone as she   
  
concentrated on the outside world, and the three in the back were   
  
also thinking. Dawn was sleeping contently in the corner behind   
  
Xander, Andrew sat in the middle seat with his Gameboy in hand but it   
  
was slumped down in his lap and he wasn't even looking at it. Robin   
  
sat behind Faith with thoughts facing through his head but his eyes   
  
more often monitored Xander than the road or the passing scenery. In   
  
Giles car, he drove and Buffy sat in the passenger seat. She was   
  
looking through the paperwork describing the houses they were going   
  
to be occupying in such a short amount of time. Willow sat behind   
  
her in the back in a relaxed and meditative sort of daze with Kennedy   
  
curled into her lap sleeping on her with her legs stretched across   
  
the rest of the back seat. Occasional conversation actually   
  
transpired in this car, but for some reason everyone just didn't feel   
  
like they should be talking…   
  
"So are you sure that will be okay timing-wise with   
  
everything… I just want whatever is easiest," Buffy assured Giles in   
  
a soft tone as to not wake the others in the car. Giles nodded   
  
confidently answering,   
  
"Buffy, that's absolutely fine. You have a much more free   
  
rein now… your obligation is geared more towards just being part of a   
  
family now rather than running an army. Vacations, time off… all of   
  
these things are allowed."   
  
"Ooo, and sleeping in and hitting the snooze button, those   
  
are allowed too, right!?" she asked adding some humor and her usual   
  
enthusiasm to the scene. Giles smiled genuinely, he had never felt   
  
this way. Everything in life was the way he wanted it, the way he   
  
had dreamed about, and life was actually going to be easier in both   
  
aspects – finance and career. Slaying and fighting demons wasn't   
  
going to leave his life but it was going to be much more relaxed then   
  
before.   
  
"Yes, Buffy…" Giles answered with a father-like   
  
understanding. Buffy expression suddenly fell and Giles noticed it   
  
right away. "We're all going to have to go through an adjustment   
  
period." She glanced over at him, always amazed at how he could read   
  
her emotions like a page in one of his books. A soft smile spread   
  
across her face and it really spread throughout her because for the   
  
first time since they left Sunnydale, she began to be excited about   
  
her new life – her normal life – and she got to experience it without   
  
having to leave the people that mattered most to her, her family.   
  
---  
  
Xander's cell phone which he nonchalantly had placed   
  
somewhere on the seat when they had set out on the drive began   
  
ringing. He fumbled for it causing the truck to swerve slightly left   
  
and right as he overcorrected the swerves still searching for the   
  
obnoxiously yelling phone. Finally Faith's hand met his causing him   
  
to jump slightly, simply from surprise, not expecting her to even   
  
move from her post, considering she hadn't really since they had left   
  
two days before. She handed him the phone which he answered,   
  
thanking her with a nod.   
  
"Hey," he answered seeing it was Giles phone.   
  
"Hey," Buffy answered. "There's a rest stop coming up in   
  
about a mile and we're going to pull over."   
  
"Alrighty, we'll pull in behind you…"   
  
"Cool… how are you guys holding up?" she asked letting her   
  
mothering side creep out slightly.   
  
"Fine, why do you ask?" he questioned curiously.   
  
"Well, I felt kind of bad, you didn't exactly get stuck with   
  
the giddy crowd in your car."   
  
"We're doing fine, everyone's just resting."   
  
"Same here… I'll see you in a few minutes."   
  
"Okay, bye."   
  
"Bye."  
  
With that Xander flipped his phone closed and placed it back   
  
on the seat. Now knowing that Faith was very aware of what was going   
  
on in the car despite her appearing to be in heavy concentration on   
  
the windshield he questioned,   
  
"So how did you hear that phone?"   
  
"They could hear it in the other car it was so loud," she   
  
answered almost shortly.   
  
"Yeah, but you've got those headphones blasting…"   
  
"Slayer hearing," she answered now definitely in a short,   
  
curt tone.   
  
"With all that great slayer hearing you'd think you'd turn   
  
down the music then," Xander muttered to himself. But with the topic   
  
of discussion, Faith's hearing enabled her to hear ever word and she   
  
delivered a swift jab into Xander's shoulder causing it to tingle and   
  
go slightly numb after a few moments. "Ouch!" he whined.   
  
"You man, you," Faith mocked. Her mean-ness was fading and   
  
now it was just reaching Faith's usual sardonic attitude.   
  
"That hurt," he complained. "My fingers are tingling."   
  
"I didn't hit you that hard," she defended playfully. It was   
  
returned by Xander with a grin. Robin leaned up from the back seat   
  
and hugged the back of Faith's seat.   
  
"How are you doing?" he asked.   
  
"Five by five," she answered turning her head to glance at   
  
him. The tension between Xander and Robin was like electricity   
  
through the air for the first time. Neither of them had been in a   
  
room together with Faith at the same time, not to mention a car.   
  
Neither wanted to seem like they noticed or instigated it because   
  
they both knew it was something Faith would love to laugh at both of   
  
them for but the tension was something that was practically able to   
  
be touched.   
  
"So what's the plan?" Robin finally interjected.   
  
"We're gonna stop at the rest stop that's coming up any   
  
minute now… Buffy said we could do a car swap if anyone wanted to,"   
  
Xander added nonchalantly. Robin's jaw tightened slightly but he   
  
quickly controlled it as he saw a grin begin to form on Faith's face   
  
even though she had returned to staring out of the window. Even   
  
though Faith had been staring at the scenery since they had left she   
  
had been fully aware of everyone else in the car and all of the   
  
glances that were being thrown at her by both Xander and Robin. She   
  
could even see Robin in the back through the mirror if she glanced at   
  
it just right. Before sliding back into his seat he gave Faith's   
  
shoulder a short, reassuring type squeeze that he felt was necessary   
  
before sinking away again. She gave no real reaction except a quick   
  
glance at her shoulder as if making sure it was her shoulder he had   
  
touched.   
  
They pulled off the highway and into the rest stop parking   
  
next to their other car. Everyone exited their vehicles and   
  
congregated in front of the Suburban. They all formed a sort of   
  
askew circle, Giles standing proudly looking at everyone who had come   
  
along despite their having an option, Buffy standing beside him with   
  
Dawn now at her side leaning her head innocently on her big sisters   
  
shoulder, Andrew standing staring off into space quietly (the one who   
  
would be expected to be excitedly looking around and babbling), Faith   
  
leaning against the bumper of the truck with her arms folded, Robin   
  
stationing himself next to her, Kennedy and Willow standing side by   
  
side next to him and finally Xander closing off the circle.   
  
"So I'll grab everyone a bite to eat – what does everyone   
  
want?" Giles inquired.   
  
"I'll come with you Giles, I know what everyone eats," Xander   
  
said contently smiling and then walking away with Giles. Everyone   
  
began to scatter finding the bathrooms and snack machines for snacks   
  
between the future stop. Faith stayed where she was and lit up a   
  
cigarette.   
  
"I'm going to run to the bathroom, do you want anything?"   
  
Robin asked before leaving her side. The two hadn't been together   
  
but he wasn't going to let Faith forget their little promise. He   
  
could tell she didn't want to jump into anything right away with all   
  
that had happened, but he just wanted to make her feel comfortable   
  
around him and maybe even begin trusting him. He could tell Faith   
  
had major trust issues and before he could really get close to her,   
  
he knew that was the first hurdle he was going to have to face. But   
  
he had definitely not forgotten that a sense of competition had to be   
  
maintained in order to keep Faith interested.   
  
"From the boy's bathroom?" she asked with a smile. He smiled   
  
in return and then she lifted the carton of cigarettes from her   
  
pocket only containing one stray cigarette which shifted back and   
  
forth in the otherwise empty container. She shook it allowing him to   
  
hear it was almost empty and view the brand and with a smile he left   
  
towards the bathroom and then the small market towards the side of   
  
the parking lot. Finishing the first cigarette and starting on the   
  
last Buffy walked back over to Faith with a folder held casually   
  
under her arm.   
  
"Hey," Buffy said sliding next to Faith on the bumper and   
  
gently hitting her side as a friendly greeting. Faith was surprised   
  
by the friendly gesture, not expecting Buffy to really make the first   
  
attempt to being outwardly friendly and she returned it with a smile   
  
and,   
  
"Hey, B. What's the what?" she asked gesturing towards the   
  
folder with her cigarette. She exhaled away from Buffy trying to be   
  
polite and it didn't go un-noticed.   
  
"Oh," Buffy said with a smile lifting the folder from under   
  
her arm. "It's information on the two houses we're moving into.   
  
It's got the outline and paperwork and stuff, and it has some   
  
pictures of the furniture too." She opened it up and showed Faith a   
  
few of the pictures.  
  
"So what's with the two houses, I never really got the run   
  
down on that…"   
  
"Well, there's this one," Buffy said showing a picture of a   
  
slightly more modern, classically designed house with wooden interior   
  
and expensive antique looking furnishing, "it's more of a house-house   
  
and it's where Giles is going to set up all of the Council stuff,   
  
it's got a huge hall where he can put in a library, and it's got a   
  
few bedrooms, we figured it could be more of the working, business   
  
kind of house where Giles stays, and I want Dawn to stay there mostly   
  
so she can concentrate on studying… the towns closer to that one with   
  
the schools and everything. I'm going to live there as well, just so   
  
I can be with Dawn more. The other house…" she held pictures up of a   
  
castle like interior house with stone floors and stairs in most of   
  
the lower levels and a more cozy upstairs living quarters, "and this   
  
is more of the training house. It's going to have all of the workout   
  
and training equipment, there's some extra space in there so they can   
  
be made into entertainment rooms, and stuff like that… really   
  
anything you guys want… I figured for the most part everyone could   
  
stay there, but if anyone needed a break the other house is   
  
definitely open to it." Buffy paused waiting anxiously for some   
  
reaction from Faith. It killed her but she found herself still   
  
trying to get approval from her, even after all that had happened   
  
between them.   
  
"Wicked cool, B." Faith replied as everyone began to return   
  
to the cars, including Giles and Xander with their bags of   
  
provisions. Buffy gave a slight smile at getting at least some   
  
reaction from Faith but she felt much better as Faith reach over and   
  
tugged the folder out from under her arm and placed it under her   
  
own. "I'm gonna look `em over in the car." Faith could tell she was   
  
stressed about the whole move thing but Faith was used to it – pack   
  
up and go, doesn't matter where, just go: that's what she was used to   
  
and it didn't really bother her… or so she convinced herself. This   
  
time especially, she had people she knew and cared about coming with   
  
her – this had to be one of the easiest of them all; but why did it   
  
actually feel so hard? Both of them were torn from their thought by   
  
Xander,   
  
"Gather around guys, I have to give out coffee since all of   
  
you take it different."   
  
----  
  
They all collected their breakfast from Xander and Giles and   
  
camped out either sitting on the sidewalk or leaning against the hood   
  
of the cars.   
  
"I don't think giving them caffeine before locking them back   
  
in a car is a great idea," Faith said mildly protesting to Xander's   
  
distribution of coffee to Dawn and Kennedy. Dawn grinned slightly   
  
and her polar counterpart frowned viciously cocking her hip to the   
  
side with her hands firmly placed. Buffy couldn't hold in her giggle   
  
at the girls reaction to Faith's clear imitation of herself that they   
  
had obviously missed reference to due to them being so used to   
  
hearing it from her. Faith grinned more internally then anything   
  
else then looked up at Buffy with a serious look and continued, "and   
  
you especially, B, you definitely shouldn't have any…" Now a grin   
  
crossed everyone's faces, especially Kennedy's. Faith laughed   
  
slightly then returned to her own cup of coffee sipping at it   
  
contently.   
  
They left the rest stop once everyone was done eating and   
  
both cars were full of enough snacks to get them to Chile – that is   
  
if the car wasn't filled with the eaters it was. They would be lucky   
  
if these snacks lasted them till their next stop. Everyone returned   
  
to their same vehicles, something that didn't go completely unnoted   
  
by Robin. Everyone seemed to have a new energy about them and the   
  
atmosphere, although not completely reversed had changed.   
  
---(about twelve hours later)---  
  
The two cars continued driving towards their destinations –   
  
Giles in front and Xander following safely behind. They were both in   
  
the right lane of the two lane highway that was fairly empty at this   
  
hour (about eleven at night) except for a few stray cars scattered   
  
few and far between. Faith was sitting in the front seat without her   
  
headphones and propped up against the door with her legs criss-  
  
crossed on the seat facing Xander. He let out a loud yawn as he   
  
acknowledged a car approaching fast on their left still about a mile   
  
behind them. He decreased his speed to the limit incase it was a   
  
police officer.   
  
"I could drive," Faith offered seeing the grogginess in his   
  
face – especially his eyes. She always liked looking at peoples   
  
eyes – the window to the soul – she always thought. She really liked   
  
his eyes because there was never anything cruel there; he wasn't   
  
necessarily not angry, or mean, or strong, but there was never   
  
anything cruel. She hated what Caleb had done to him – it took away   
  
part of him that she really loved.   
  
"It's okay…"   
  
"You look really tired."   
  
"I am really tired," he said grinning at her, "but I'll be   
  
okay."   
  
"You don't have to be okay… I can drive for you," she   
  
argued.   
  
"I've been present with you steering the curves before,   
  
Faith, but I don't think everyone present could handle it…" he said   
  
playfully glancing quickly towards the back seat. She couldn't help   
  
but laugh especially at the snooty face he had followed his statement   
  
with.   
  
"You're wicked proud of yourself, aren't you?"   
  
"I think I have a right to be," he answered playfully. She   
  
appeared to be considering it and then answered,   
  
"Alright, yeah, you can be proud of yourself…" He looked at   
  
her contemplatively for a moment then he just grinned in her   
  
direction. "That guy's going wicked fast," Faith noted at the   
  
quickly approaching car in the left lane.   
  
"Yeah, I know," Xander answered keeping his alert up. As the   
  
car pulled up next to them Faith glanced nosily into the passenger   
  
compartment. It was a couple, looked to be about twenty years old,   
  
and both of them were smoking.   
  
"Bet they're going to have fun tonight," Faith said in a mock-  
  
jealous tone. Xander smiled and the car gained speed and began to   
  
pass them. Quickly and out of no where a small herd of deer appeared   
  
off the left side of the highway. They began to run across the   
  
highway and Faith saw it just a split second before anyone   
  
else. "Stop!" she yelled to Xander but obviously she had seen the   
  
deer before the couple in the left lane who were forced to swerve   
  
into the right lane to avoid hitting the deer. They hadn't even   
  
completely passed the Suburban yet so Xander had to slam on the   
  
brakes keep from hitting them immediately but then he had to swerve   
  
right to avoid their car which continued to swerve towards them due   
  
to the running herd.   
  
"Fuck!" Xander yelled as he pulled the car right hard causing   
  
them to drive off of the highway at seventy miles an hour. Dawn and   
  
Andrew both screamed from the back seat, at about the same pitch,   
  
too – and Robin immediately jumped forward and grabbed Faith trying   
  
to hold her safely. She had already been thrown into the dashboard   
  
which hit her arm that she held up to protect her face. Xander's   
  
head was thrown forward and it slammed painfully into the steering   
  
wheel but he regained himself and tried to get the vehicle under   
  
control. He dodged trees and the big ditch on their right and   
  
quickly got the car halted.   
  
"Is everyone alright?" Robin asked quickly removing his   
  
seatbelt and checking the status of everyone in the car. He looked   
  
into the front and saw that both of them looked shaken up but they   
  
weren't severely hurt from what he could see at a quick glance. His   
  
question was answered by Faith with a painful sigh as she sat back up   
  
on the seat. Xander nodded slightly and Robin returned his attention   
  
to the backseat where Andrew was still in a panic and Dawn was now in   
  
silent hysterics. Both had been asleep before the accident and were   
  
woken by the heart shattering tightness of Xander's voice as he   
  
swerved away from the car.   
  
"I fucking hate deer!" Faith said as she moved her right arm   
  
wearily to see if it were broken, which she didn't think it was but   
  
it was definitely going to be a nice bruise. She quickly stroked her   
  
cheek which she knew would have a matching bruise on it, but it was   
  
better then what would have happened if she hadn't cushioned it with   
  
her arm. She then looked over at Xander who was still sitting   
  
silently in his seat but she could see the blood dripping from his   
  
face now. She moved over to him in the car and kneeled beside him   
  
raising her hands up to his face.   
  
"I'm fine," he stated as she moved to touch his face which he   
  
quickly jerked away from. It had been a while since she had touched   
  
him in that way and with all of the emotions running in his head   
  
right now and the building anger caused him to take it out on her.   
  
"No you're not," she corrected moving towards his face   
  
again. He jerked away from her touch again this time putting his   
  
hand up between them also. She was taken aback by how much it hurt   
  
her that he didn't want her to touch him. She couldn't understand   
  
why she cared so much, but him jerking away from her touch flashed   
  
pictures from her memory into her head that she wished she never had   
  
to see again. She knew she shouldn't expect him to trust her, or   
  
even like her, but it hit a nerve deep inside of her to know he would   
  
be that blatant about it, especially after what had just happened.   
  
She bit the side of her cheek to keep the words that pushed in her   
  
throat from escaping and she moved back on the seat to add some space   
  
between them. "You're face is bleeding," she stated dryly once she   
  
was sure she could control her tone and not outwardly reveal how much   
  
he had just hurt her.   
  
"Thanks," he responded sardonically.   
  
"Whatever," she huffed angrily opening the passenger door and   
  
getting out slamming it loudly behind her. Xander stayed sitting in   
  
the same spot not moving an inch in reaction with her exit. Robin   
  
allowed a moments leeway knowing Xander had the first right to go   
  
after Faith, and he honestly had expected him to but when he didn't   
  
he gave Xander a quick glance of disapproval then exited the car   
  
himself after Faith. Xander didn't turn towards the back but with   
  
Robin's leave he inquired to the other two people in the car whether   
  
they were alright.   
  
-Giles' Car-   
  
"Look at the deer," Kennedy said casually seeing them beside   
  
the highway.   
  
"Ooo, I love deer," Buffy said happily propping herself up   
  
and turning towards the back of the car so she could see the herd of   
  
them. Willow smiled to her lover and gave her a squeeze. "Shit!"   
  
Buffy screamed suddenly as she saw the swerving of the headlights of   
  
a car from the left lane into the right cutting Xander off and   
  
causing him to swerve off of the highway at a very high   
  
speed. "Giles stop!" Buffy yelled. Kennedy and Willow had spun   
  
around to see what she was yelling about and saw the Suburban driving   
  
off the highway and down a hill into the woods.   
  
"They're off the road!" Kennedy yelled.   
  
"Oh my," Giles said anxiously as he pulled into the shoulder   
  
as quickly as he could.   
  
---  
  
"Faith?" Robin called as he looked around for her as he   
  
exited the truck. He looked past the truck which was slightly   
  
illuminated by the shining red brake lights so he saw he leaning   
  
against a tree only a few feet away. "You okay?" he asked.   
  
"I'm fine, alright!" she snapped. "Would you stop fucking   
  
asking me that?" Robin stop for a momentary organization of self   
  
since with her few sharp words he felt like she had scattered him   
  
across this entire forest. Not exactly sure how to proceed he   
  
hesitantly walked closer to her till he way standing a foot away. He   
  
had never dealt with Faith when she was being outwardly angry – she   
  
had always been inward thus far.   
  
She had brooded and separated herself, but now he had to deal with   
  
her exploding in his face. He rallied himself internally that he was   
  
used to dealing with rash teenagers in school, *you're a god damn   
  
principal, Wood!* a lot of them tried to do the bad ass thing, but   
  
here he was faced with the queen of bad asses and he was running from   
  
the challenge. *Come on Wood! What kind of a fucking man are you –   
  
you like this girl you've gotta show her you'll take the challenge!   
  
God, grow a pair, man…* He stood a little stronger in front of her   
  
now feeling his momentarily lost confidence begin to fill his veins   
  
once again.   
  
She was leaning against a big tree with one foot propped up against   
  
it and her arms crossed across her chest. She was biting at the   
  
inside of her mouth, a habit that was both out of anger and anxiety   
  
that she had picked up at a young age, and she was staring out   
  
towards the highway they had been driving on only a few minutes   
  
earlier. He finally stepped up closer to her causing her to move her   
  
eyes onto him now. She could feel him standing there – he was a   
  
strong guy with a lot of power and nerve, something that she really   
  
liked, and hearing his breath because of his close proximity caused   
  
her to remember the night they had spent together. She felt a quick   
  
tingle run through her body for a brief second as it was reminded of   
  
the way it felt when she had his hands running all over her body.   
  
She felt his hand touch her cheek gently, but it still hurt from the   
  
impact and she slightly receded from the touch, but not as Xander had   
  
with hers. He gingerly stroked her cheek with his thumb warming her   
  
slightly chilled face from the night time temperature.   
  
She raised her gaze from his chest now into his eyes searching for   
  
some kind of explanation or clue as to what was going on between   
  
them. This whole follow up thing was not something she was learned   
  
in, and she wasn't sure she liked it. Once her eyes met his, without   
  
further hesitation, he stepped closer again so his body was up   
  
against hers on the tree and he kissed her. It was a kiss very   
  
similar to their first, one of slight submission and dominance on   
  
both their parts, filled with both lust and caring. She breathed him   
  
into her wanting to feel some form of comfort for the pain that had   
  
welled itself inside of her chest. His tongue caressed hers softly   
  
but confidently remembering all of the time he had spent kissing her   
  
that night. Faith was impressed and laughed to herself thinking of   
  
him taking notes on a piece of paper as he kissed her not wanting to   
  
forget anything.   
  
His lips left hers and without stepping back he looked into her face   
  
trying to read her emotions. He silently cursed her in his head for   
  
making it so damn hard to read, but he did his best. He held her   
  
securely as much for her as himself – he was scared to lose her. He   
  
hadn't known her for long but he already knew she was someone he   
  
didn't want to have to live without. It didn't have to be a sexual   
  
relationship between them, but he knew he wanted to at least have a   
  
friendship – but being with Faith was not something he would turn   
  
down in any way, shape, or form. She was an amazing person and she   
  
had no ceased to amaze him yet and he was a person who almost prided   
  
himself in not being easily impressed. After all, his female figure   
  
that he looked up to as a child was his mother, also a slayer… strong   
  
woman was something he admired and being up to those standards   
  
narrowed the fields quite a bit for him.   
  
"Xander!?" Willow yelled in a gasping voice as she and the   
  
others ran down the hill towards the truck.   
  
"Faith!?" Buffy called anxiously. "Are you guys okay?" They   
  
reached the car and Xander got out assuring them that everyone was at   
  
least okay. "Where's Faith and Robin?" she asked and Xander walked   
  
with her towards where he thought Faith had gone when she left the   
  
car and where he would have followed. As they walked past the truck   
  
only a few feet Buffy caught sight of the two of them, "Oh…" she said   
  
seeing Robin pressed up against Faith who was leaning on a tree   
  
looking at each other. "Oh…" she repeated unsure of what to say.   
  
She glanced up at Xander to see whether he was giggling yet, like she   
  
expected him to be but she was VERY surprised by what she saw. He   
  
stood there practically glaring at the two of them with the words   
  
jealous practically stamped across his forehead. "You jealous?" she   
  
asked with more of a statement then a question.   
  
"No," he answered bitterly.   
  
Faith had heard the gang approach so with a small grin at   
  
Robin that if he blinked he would have missed it, she pushed against   
  
him slightly signaling him to back up but making him want to stay   
  
worse than before. She could feel him through his jeans making both   
  
of them want to just be in a motel somewhere, but they weren't. She   
  
smiled again, more seductively than before teasing him ruthlessly   
  
knowing he was going to have to sit in the car for hours with this   
  
hard on.   
  
"Come on," she said casually as she got up from leaning on   
  
the tree and began walking back over to the car. "Hey, B, you missed   
  
quite the rollercoaster ride," she said lightheartedly approaching   
  
Buffy and Xander.   
  
"Are you guys okay?" Buffy asked.   
  
"Five by five, B. Xander just thought the whole driving in a   
  
straight line thing was getting boring so he decided to just mix it   
  
up, you know make things a little more interesting for all of us."   
  
Faith said managing to sound innocent to the untrained ear, but there   
  
was a caustic undertone to it that at being mentioned Xander realized   
  
he couldn't just stand there so he quickly turned away from them and   
  
walked back to the passenger door of the vehicle.   
  
"So you're sure you're okay?" Buffy asked for the last time.   
  
"You know me," Faith answered trying to make it look as   
  
though she didn't notice Xander leave. "So what's the what?" Faith   
  
asked pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.   
  
"I think Giles said we're about twenty miles from a town so   
  
we're going to stop there for the night. I think everyone could use   
  
a little rest and… a little time alone," Buffy added hearing Xander   
  
close the car door. "Do you think we can just drive this thing out   
  
of here?" Buffy asked looking at the truck and then at the slight   
  
incline back up to the highway.   
  
"With me driving you can," Faith answered walking up to the driver's   
  
side and hoping in. She looked over at Xander who was sitting   
  
stiffly in the seat. "Ewww, dude you got blood on the wheel," Faith   
  
joked. Seeing his expression didn't change in the least she decided   
  
she wasn't at fault, which she knew in the beginning, but now she   
  
knew she wasn't going to bother trying to fix what he fucked and it   
  
was his problem now. She had lived with three woman who hated her   
  
guts in the big house and it didn't bother her one bit. She started   
  
the engine up, scouted her path out back up onto the highway, and   
  
hauled that truck out of there not afraid to make that engine sweat.   
  
Once it was back onto the road everyone congregated around.   
  
"I don't mind driving," Faith said getting comfortable in the drivers   
  
seat. Xander had already exited the truck and added,   
  
"I'll ride with Giles." Wood, Kennedy, and Buffy all got into the   
  
truck with Faith and the rest of them got into the car with Giles.   
  
"So where's this town?" Faith asked Giles.   
  
"It's just off the next exit," he answered.   
  
"Okay, I'll wait for you around the exit," she added and with a small   
  
nod she drove off leaving them in the dust. She wasn't a bad or   
  
reckless driver, Buffy decided sitting in the passenger seat, she   
  
just liked to drive fast.   
  
"So what's up with Xander?" Kennedy asked. All eyes were   
  
inadvertently on Faith and she answered,   
  
"I think," she began the words getting caught slightly in her   
  
throat, "he's just a little shook up."   
  
(to be continued – please leave feedback, I'm dying to know what you   
  
think and it'll only make the next part come sooner and better.   
  
Thanks for reading!) 


	2. Part II

Adjustment - Part II   
  
Summary: the gang settles into the motel  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?" Willow asked in the cute concerned voice that always held a place in his heart.   
  
"I'm better than alright," Xander assured her, "I'm gonna have a cool bruise in the morning - I'm great!" He added in a little skip for good measure and gently bumped her with his elbow. They had arrived at a motel just off of the exit where they could get a quick stay for minimal cash since the council was going to be sending Giles his money once he was set up at the new address. Although Xander assured everyone he was just fine and they didn't have to stop, Buffy made the call that they all take a rest for a night and actually get a full night's sleep. The group mingled back together as they joined in the parking lot Xander being sure to hang towards the back of the crowd, seeing that Faith and Buffy were both leading the way.   
  
"Make sure to ask how much each of the rooms will be before booking them, the council has yet to reach me with the wire, so liquid funds are of the nil presently," Giles said trying to circle around the simple issue.   
  
"Okay," Buffy said understandingly.   
  
"I'm used to being broke, G, this shouldn't be a problem," Faith assured him leaving him a bit confused as to what exactly she was getting at. The group held back in the lobby area, which was really just a few old couches and some foldable chairs, while Buffy and Faith went to the desk to book a few rooms.   
  
"Well hello, ladies," the clerk greeted running his eyes up and down the two girls who had just walked in together. He glanced at the clock noting it was close to twelve o'clock and a grin spread across his face. "I take it you two just want a room for a night?"   
  
"Yeah," Faith answered playing him like a piano with a matching grin creeping across her face as she played with the ends of Buffy's blond hair. Buffy felt herself blush slightly - Faith could always make her feel that way. "And I have a few friends that might want to meet up with us later, but a few of them…" she was cut off by the clerk suddenly,   
  
"…a few, you say?"   
  
"Yeah," Faith said her grinning getting more mischievous, "but see, let me let you in on some juicy details," she added drawing him in completely. She even leaned forward on the desk for good measure as if she were whispering him a real secret. "A few of the girls, well actually just two - well, maybe you could say three, they don't really get along right now, lots of a drama… but I don't want to bore you," she said making her voice linger in his desperate ears.   
  
"Bored? Me? No… I'm definitely not bored," he answered quickly and almost stumbling over his words.   
  
"Well, you see - one of the girls wasn't, shall we say satisfying the other, and the third girl was, so the first two kind of had a nasty break up…"   
  
Buffy couldn't help but break out in a full grin as she watched Faith having a blast just making up this random story about absolutely nothing!   
  
"…and they don't really get along, but then the one who, you know, wasn't really getting the job done - she ended up getting with another girl, a personal friend of mine," Faith said tossing him a wink, "and everything just fell together, if you know what I mean… let's just say, she wasn't having trouble satisfying her!" Faith was having fun with this now and she playfully nudged the clerks shoulder. He smiled widely hoping the story wasn't over yet, "but here's the thing, we definitely wanted them all to show because all of them have their… strong areas… and I wouldn't want to miss out on any of it - so, I know this is really short notice, but do you think you would be able to do me a favor and get us three rooms… close together, you know. And hey, you do me a favor, who knows, maybe I'll do you one too…"   
  
Well the dumbfounded look of glee painted all over this guys face was enough to tell Faith she had done a good job and they sure as hell were going to get those rooms - and probably whatever she wanted from the clerk for that matter.   
  
"Just come with me for a second," the clerk said heading towards the office. Faith followed actually seeing how adorable it was that this guy was having the thrill of his life right now. Buffy tensed up as Faith began to walk away with this stranger but Faith held her arm for a second before walking past her and said,   
  
"I'll be right back," which for some reason, one she could not yet identify, it made her feel better. How did she do that? How was she able to, with only a few words completely warp and change all of those instinctual emotions that she felt? "You know, I don't really need a warm-up for the party…" Faith said entering the office with the clerk. He smiled almost childishly as he opened the cabinet with a key attached to a chain on his belt. He pulled out three sets of keys with room numbers in numerical order. As he handed Faith the keys she ran her hand across his collar, straightening it for him and adjusting his tie. "Thanks, baby," she said slipping the keys out of his hands. She leaned towards him slightly and asked in the most innocent voice she could muster, "what's the charge?" She bit her lip gently waiting for his response.   
  
"It's already been paid in full," he assured her with a grin.   
  
"Thanks," she said adjusting his tie one more time before turning and leaving the office. She walked back over to Buffy with a serious type of face, proud she had gotten the job done so easily.   
  
"Did you get the rooms?"   
  
"Yup," she answered waving the keys on her finger. They walked back towards the 'lobby' and she tossed them to Giles. "Here, G-man."   
  
"Who do I pay?" Giles asked catching them with only a slight fumble.   
  
"It's all taken care of," Faith said nonchalantly. Giles couldn't help but smile,   
  
"She always was the persuasive one…" Buffy added playfully bumping into her. Wood was slightly taken aback at how easily Faith had been able to get three rooms and he had to maintain his look of surprise in order to hold down the pride he felt shooting up through his body. He glanced over to Xander to see what his reaction was, and yet again Xander surprised him. He hadn't really spent much time with him but he had thought he had somewhat of a feel for his personality, but Xander seemed to be way off. He was looking at Faith with a look almost of disgust but also as though he wasn't in the least bit surprised. He was even looking at Buffy in a disappointed glare that she was actually standing with Faith. Pushing back his feelings of surprise and even joy, Wood felt challenged and as though he needed to defend what was his and not let anyone think it was anything less that what he knew it was… but then he remembered humbling himself at once - she wasn't his.   
  
"You guys should go up without us," Faith said noticing the clerk leaning across his desk as far as he could to try and get a second look at her and Buffy. Giles hesitated momentarily for the first time actually wondering what exactly Faith had said to the clerk, but he nodded and took the others towards the room.   
  
"How do you want to split up the rooms?" Robin asked just before they moved away a spark of hope jumping into the back of his brain.   
  
"You guys can share a room," Buffy began, "and Dawny, Willow, and Kennedy can have the other… me and Faith can share a room."   
  
"Okay," he answered with a submissive sort of smile. He hadn't really spoken with Buffy much since their relationship had changed drastically from French restaurants to him having an aggressive role in Faith being named leader.   
  
They all walked to their rooms - they were all together, two directly next to each other, and Faith and Buffy's directly around the corner. They all parted with an understood fact that they were all going to check in on each other before they actually went to bed.   
  
---  
  
"So you never really told me, B, what's the real deal between you and Robin Hood?" Faith said throwing her a smile as she brushed her teeth.   
  
"I don't know, Faith - maybe I'll tell you if you tell me first."   
  
"Oh, no fair, I asked you first," she protested. "And besides, you already know what happened between us - want, take, have… I had."   
  
"Nothing happened between us."   
  
"Bullshit," Faith said throwing her toothbrush back into her bag.   
  
"We went out to diner… that's really it."   
  
"Does he pay?" Faith said half joking, half not. Buffy smiled and gave a nod.   
  
"It was a nice place too."   
  
"Cool. So he's got money?"   
  
"I don't know… he's a… well was, a principal and he's all mysterious so I really don't know for sure…" she was cut off of her thought process as Faith began changing. "Where are you going?" she asked noticing Faith changing her shirt from her comfortable tank top into a tight red top that had a plunging neck line.   
  
"I'm just getting all dressed up for you, B," she said jokingly as she pulled on a pair of black leather pants. Buffy laughed and she added, "I'm just going to go out and grab some drinks. Wanna come with?"   
  
"I think I'll pass…" Buffy admitted, "I'm really tired."   
  
"Alright, I'll try not to wake you up when I get back…"   
  
"Be careful," Buffy said with her big sister side leaping out of her throat.   
  
"You know me," Faith said with a quick raise of her eyebrows as she backed out of the door.   
  
"Yeah, that's what worries me," Buffy added as the click of the door echoed through the musty room.   
  
---  
  
Buffy changed from her black sweat pants into a pair of grey ones and a white tank top after she showered. The trip had been hot and the sun beating down on them all day had made her sweaty. She settled into her bed with a book she found on the small coffee stand that held the lamp next to it. She opened it and began reading it. It was just some cheap novel about some romance that you pick up in the grocery store for two dollars. She grazed the pages with her eyes for a few minutes only making it through about four before her eyes began to wonder around the room.   
  
It was a cheap motel that they were staying in and definitely the type that people only rented for a quick night. She looked around and couldn't help but feel like she was in a different version of Faith's old motel room. It really was nothing like it except for the atmosphere but it was just somewhat similar. She took a deep breath wondering how long she would have been able to live in this small, cramped room with peeling wallpaper and windows with about an inch of sludge between them and any view of the outside. A knock echoed through the room and sent Buffy into a small jump of surprise.   
  
"Buffy…" Dawn called quietly.   
  
"Come on in, Dawny."   
  
"Sorry… I couldn't sleep," she claimed with a yawn. Buffy glanced at the clock which now was reading quarter to one.   
  
"It's okay," she coaxed as Dawn came over and sat on her bed.   
  
"Where's Faith?"   
  
"She went out," Buffy stated.   
  
"You let her?!" Dawn asked almost angrily.   
  
"I really have very little control over what Faith does, Dawn. And besides, I have you to boss around - why should I bother with Faith? She might beat me up," Buffy added with a grin. Dawn grinned back at her older sister happily. They were all going to be together, and they would be able to be more normal, but still be able to hold onto what they loved most - fighting evil. Dawn snuggled in closely with her sister after she turned the television on. They watched contently but the door was heard knocking again within about ten minutes.   
  
---  
  
The boys all entered their room giving each other quick glances within any meeting eye contact. Giles wasn't exactly sure what was going on but because the other two were avoiding eye contact he decided it best - and most manly - to do the same. Wood tossed his duffle bag onto one of the beds in the corner and Xander did the same with the furthest bed from his. Giles, left with the middle, walked over and sat on his bed hearing the squeaking of the spring underneath him. He groaned slightly knowing his back would be soar in the morning. He placed his bag next to the bed and began to unpack his nightwear. Wood gathered his clothes together for a shower but as he rose and walked towards the bathroom Xander had already walked in and was closing the door. He hoped he wasn't going to shower, but his hopes were dampened as he heard the water begin to beat the tile floor.   
  
Wood tossed himself back on his bed also hearing the protest of the springs to his weight. He grinned to himself then glanced over at Giles who was already looking over his way.   
  
"Are you alright from the little accident?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered. The two of them still held a small bond from their past alliance against Spike. Despite the negative outcome and the failure on both of their parts they did still share a bond. Neither of them liked to think about it too long though because their bond together could easily be linked to just a small bond against Buffy and they didn't like to view things that way - but it did seem to be their connection. "All of us in the backseat were fine - Xander and Faith got the brunt of it."   
  
"Yes, Xander did seem to have some scrapes from it." Wood nodded in agreement.   
  
"Both of them were pretty shook up," Wood added wanting to make a statement he knew Giles would certainly catch on.   
  
"Yes, it seemed the two of them were having an argument when we arrived at the scene," Giles said confirming his understanding.   
  
"Yeah…" Wood said listening for the running water in the shower to be sure he couldn't be overheard by Xander. "What happened between those two?" he asked curiously. Giles let out a long sigh followed by a sort of devilish grin but couldn't continue hearing the water cease in the bathroom. A silence overcame the room and Xander immerged a few moments later. Wood grabbed his things and headed for the bathroom again.   
  
"How you holding up, Giles?" Xander asked sorting his clothes out in his bag. Giles nodded contentment as he fiddled with the electrical water kettle that the room had provided. Once he had seen that Giles was alright he stated, "I'm going to go see how Willow is."   
  
"Alright," Giles stated almost consentingly as Xander exited.   
  
---  
  
Xander walked into Willow's room with Kennedy holding the door open for him.   
  
"Hey, Xander," Willow greeted in her happy, but exhausted tone of voice.   
  
"Hey Will, hey Kennedy," Xander greeted in return. "How are you guys doing on this long journey?"   
  
"Okay," Willow answered.   
  
"Bored!" Kennedy blurted. She had to even smile at herself. "I'm sorry, but I'm absolutely dying of boredom… I don't know how Faith and Buffy handle it - I'm jumping out of my skin here. I feel like I need to go out and do something… it's a weird feeling."   
  
"Faith probably out walking around already," Xander stated forgetting himself for a minute. "So… how was the ride in the Giles-mobile?" he asked trying to add some much needed levity to the crowd.   
  
---  
  
Robin exited the bathroom with the towel draped around his shoulders exposing his naked torso with sharply cut muscle lines all across his stomach and his nice, dark blue jeans secured around his hips with a black leather belt. He rubbed the towel against his ear as he walked over to his bed.   
  
"Where did he go?"   
  
"To check on the girls," Giles stated. He immediately saw him tense and he added, "Willow, Kennedy, and Dawn." Robin nodded and tried to continue as if he had never doubted or really didn't care even though both him and Giles knew how obvious it had been.   
  
"So what's up with Faith and Xander's past together?" he asked jumping right back to where they had left off.   
  
"Well there's much to tell… what did you want to know?"   
  
"It's just that there's some obvious tension between them… I can't really get a feel for it and I might be able to if I actually had a clue what was going on…"   
  
"Fair enough," Giles answered. "When Faith first came to Sunnydale about four years ago she was immediately everybody's best friend. She was very personable and she loved to hang out and tell stories. Everybody loved her because her stories were great, she loved to laugh, and really, she was a welcomed breather from Buffy who at that time was going through a lot and really wasn't anywhere as lighthearted as she could have been. Xander loved her stories, as I've heard, since most of them were slightly provocative, although not consciously so. Anyway, he was young and she was new, daring, and well… she's quite the eye-candy," Giles added letting Ripper add his two cents in. "So as you can imagine Xander was pretty taken by her right from the start."   
  
Wood nodded and added, "yeah, I know the feeling." Giles couldn't help but add a lighthearted chuckle into the mix before continuing.   
  
"So as I later found out the two of them ended up spending a night together. I also heard later from Buffy that it was Xander's first time and that Faith also had a tendency to just play with the people she slept with."   
  
"You're quite the gossip queen, aren't you?" Wood added with a grin.   
  
"You hear a lot when you spend all of your time with a sixteen year old X-cheerleader," Giles laughed.   
  
"So is that it, Faith got with him and they didn't part on good terms?"   
  
"No, that's not it at all… actually, from what Buffy tells me, Xander still had quite the fancy for her, she said something about a twitch thing he did with his eye whenever she would say, 'Faith', that poor boy."   
  
"Yeah, I kinda get a twitch too… can't say it's in my eye though," Wood said suggestively. Giles smiled in understanding as Robin pulled a black, ribbed tank on.   
  
"Well, with Faith having a lot of trouble with the whole slip of the stake thing, he decided to go to her place and talk to her, and just make sure she was holding out okay. When he went she let him in and well, Xander hasn't really told us any of the details but Angel came in on Faith on top of him, in quite the suggestive manner, but strangling him. From then on they haven't really been on good terms."   
  
"So what did Angel do when he came in?"   
  
"He hit her with a baseball bat, chained her up and chained her to a wall in his dwelling," Giles said matter of factly. "It really was a turning point for everything - that was the night the council found Faith at Angel's and really the beginning of when we lost her… she was just so angry."   
  
"So they do have quite the past together," he noted.   
  
"Yes, they certainly do…" Giles answered as Robin swung a leather jacket on over the black tank he had on. He adjusted himself quickly as he slid his black boots on. "Where are you going?"   
  
"I was just going to go see how Faith was holding up…"   
  
"Now that I've given you all my gossip, I get to ask, what is going on between you two?"   
  
"Not nearly as much as I'd like," he answered smiling, "I wish she'd be willing to at least consider the idea of… well, I don't even know."   
  
"Do you care for her? I mean, genuinely care about her?"   
  
"I really do… she worries me, she makes me happy with just a smile, she makes me feel like a man but in the same instant she can crush that feeling, she just… I don't know, you probably think I'm just trying to get in her pants but…"   
  
"Just keep in mind, I don't think you are, but Faith's got a lifetime of being taught to always just think men are trying to get into her pants…"   
  
"I know, and that's almost part of the attraction," he admitted. "It's her intense insecurity that so compelling and drawing. I don't know…"   
  
"Well, just be careful…"   
  
"You think she might try and choke me?" he asked with a laugh.   
  
"It wouldn't completely surprise me…" Giles answered jokingly.  
  
---  
  
"Lemme get a Corona," Faith answered to the bartender. She hadn't walked very far from the Motel before she saw a small bar hidden away in the shadows on the street corner. She was sitting down on a stool up against the bar with a mix of exhaustion and boredom strewn across her features. The place was pretty dead with a low buzz of conversation of all of the regulars and the music playing from some radio off in the distant corner that was open for anyone to change it, which happened ever few minutes.   
  
---  
  
"Come in," Buffy answered to the knock at the door. Robin walked in, dressed quite nicely they both noted, and nodded in greeting.   
  
"Hey, girls. Dawn, how are you feeling?"   
  
"I'm okay. I have a little headache but no big."   
  
"I have some aspirin in the truck if you want me to go get it…"   
  
"No, that's okay. I'm really okay."   
  
"Alright," he agreed with his principal voice peeking out. "What about you, Buffy, how are you holding up?"   
  
"I'm okay," she answered honestly.   
  
"You've got to promise me some serious talk time once we're all settled in at the new place," he stated seriously. She smiled and gave him an understanding nod, "Where's Faith?" he asked glancing around and seeing that the bathroom didn't have any occupants.   
  
"She went out."   
  
"Did she say where?" he asked with a hint of concern in his tone.   
  
"Drinking," Buffy answered almost ashamed now that she had let her go.   
  
"Okay… I'm going to go try and find her," he answered, "you know, keep an eye on her." Buffy laughed and added,   
  
"Yeah, I'm sure you'll be keeping an eye on her…" Not knowing how to quite respond to that he gave her a mock grin and left the room.   
  
---  
  
"So this is quite the party town," Faith said sarcastically to the bartender as he handed her the beer.   
  
"Yeah, quite the party atmosphere…" he agreed. There were only about a dozen other people in the place and about three of those people probably worked there and everyone was sitting mumbling over their drinks to one another. "So I've never seen you around here…"   
  
"Yeah, I've never been."   
  
"Oh, we get a lot of people just passing through - it's a pretty busy highway for traveling right up off the road there."   
  
"Yeah, that's where I stopped off from."   
  
"Where you headed?"   
  
"I didn't actually ask," she said with a grin. He smiled and got himself a beer to join her with.   
  
"So you're not traveling alone?" he asked trying to get as much information as he could without actually asking what he wanted to know.   
  
"Yeah, definitely a first… I'm with a few friends." He nodded and offered her a cigarette. She accepted and they both lit up their cigarettes. "So what's a guy like you doing in a dead town like this? You seem like more of the city type to me," she said with a wink. He laughed,   
  
"I actually grew up in New York and moved to Boston to go to school."   
  
"No shit! I grew up in Boston…"   
  
"Wow, it's a small world."   
  
"Wicked small - so how'd you get from Boston to working in the middle of no where?"   
  
"Not really sure," he admitted. "I went to school to be a movie director, but I guess you could say I got mixed up with the wrong crowd while I was there and I ended up having my options handed to me, you know, get out of town tomorrow, or never leave alive…"   
  
"Yeah, the usual ultimatum," she laughed.   
  
"Yeah… so what's your story?"   
  
"Oh, you don't want to know my story… I don't think I've got enough years left in my life to have time to tell it from start to finish."   
  
"You seem like a cool girl," he finally stated. "What's your name?" She smiled and it was returned.   
  
"Faith." She noticed after a moment his smile quickly faded and he grabbed a towel and began wiping off the bar top. Faith quickly glanced behind her to see the reason and she saw Wood walking directly towards her with his usual confident aura, handsome face as well as well presented, and mysterious façade.   
  
"Hey," he said to her glancing up at the bartender. "Hey," he repeated with that false smile of his really giving off quite a strong warning. "Can I bother you for a beer?"   
  
"Not a problem," he answered, "same as your girl?" he asked questioning both the make of the beer he wanted as well as whether or not he and Faith were together.   
  
"Sure," he answered glancing at Faith's Corona. "You makin' friends?" he asked pulling up the stool next to her.   
  
"Always," she answered. "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"   
  
"It's nice to see you too," he answered. He was still proud of himself for actually finding her in this town that he had never been to before. The streets weren't well lit and he had absolutely no idea in which direction she would have headed. It had only taken him about half an hour since, as he learned from his walk, the real town was only about a mile strip along the highway. She glared at him with eyes that could kill and he added sarcastically, "I came to baby-sit you, you know, keep an eye." The glare became more intense and she defended,   
  
"I don't need a fucking…" he cut her off and added,  
  
"Faith, I'm kidding." He just smiled at her, which took quite a bit of confidence on his part because the looks he was receiving would have normally sent anyone running. Finally she caved, unable to continue her glares at his shining smile - it was almost worse than being laughed at, he just smiled at her like she could do no wrong.   
  
"You're not funny," she added defiantly as she broke her frown and was forced to almost smile back at him. His damn attitude was so contagious!   
  
"I'm funnier than you," he answered still maintaining an agreeing tone.   
  
"Keep tellin' yourself that," she added sarcastically.   
  
"Alright fine, will give Faith the funny award, as long as we both agree that I'm prettier than you," he answered finally able to add levity to the scene.   
  
"You are so not prettier than me," she defended.   
  
"Oh, come on, look at this face!"   
  
"Don't make me," she mocked shielding her eyes playfully. He moved to punch her arm playfully in response to her making him the butt of the joke but stopped his fist quickly as he noticed the forming bruise on her arm.   
  
"Is that from today?" he asked, concern overwhelming his tone.   
  
"It's just a bruise," she answered definitely not comfortable with someone concerned or worried about her especially not that blatently.   
  
"It's quite the bruise," he noted.   
  
"I've had worse."   
  
"I'm sure you have."   
  
"See, like these are pretty nice," she said turning and tugging her shirt over so he could see by her collarbones.   
  
"Shit, where are those from?"   
  
"When B went down in the hellmouth I stopped to help her and like four vamps tackled me to the ground. They had me down for a while, I was just trying to keep those sons of bitches from biting me… they got in a few good punches - but I got in a few good splinters."   
  
"God those have to hurt," he said still amazed that she was so nonchalant about it all. He had had some pretty bad hits, but none of the ones like those did he just keep going with. He moved his hand up and touched it softly.   
  
"Yeah, I don't really like having my ass kicked," she admitted.   
  
"I know the feeling," he agreed.   
  
---  
  
"We're popular tonight," Buffy said to Dawn as Xander knocked on their door. "Come in," she called. He came in and looked a little surprised to see Dawn there.   
  
"Did Dawn and Faith pull a switch?" he asked lightheartedly.   
  
"No, Faith went out and Dawn missed me," she answered proudly.   
  
"You missed *her*?" Xander asked sarcastically. Dawn giggled and he sat on the edge of the bed. "Where'd she go?" he asked seriously.   
  
"I don't really know… she went to go get some drinks."   
  
"Woody went with her?" Buffy smiled at Xander's nickname and nodded. "That guy is sick - he follows her around everywhere."   
  
"You know, I think he's developing an eye twitch too," Buffy added sarcastically. Xander was shocked that she had taken a punch at his ego like that and he could do nothing else but slightly cower at the end of the bed.   
  
"I was a horny teenager!" Xander spat, "he's a grown guy - hell he's a principal! He was supposed to get over following the badass girl around when he graduated high-school! He runs one and he's still doing it."   
  
"Like you?" Buffy asked making it clear that she had sensed the tension between him and Faith.   
  
"I never followed her around like that! And I especially don't now," he defended.   
  
"You want to though," Buffy stated but almost questioned too.   
  
"No way," he defended a little too quickly.   
  
"Whatever," she answered with a giggle. Dawn got up off of the bed,   
  
"I'm going to go to bed," she stated exiting the room.   
  
"I just lost the woman I loved, Buffy. Do I need to remind anyone else of that - Anya is dead. What gives you the right to accuse me of being hot for Faith?" he stated now close to yelling.   
  
"Xander, I'm not accusing… if I were it would mean you were doing something wrong. There's nothing wrong with liking someone else, Xander. Especially someone who you have a connection with like Faith."   
  
"There is no connection between us!" Xander answered angrily. "There never was and there never will. There's only one thing that girl is interested in, and the only connection she has with people is skin," he added remembering her words echoing in his ears that night.   
  
"Calm down," Buffy ordered.  
  
"Oh, so now that she's good again you're just going to jump to her defense like you always used to again?"   
  
"Stop it! If you think you have a past with Faith then you better just think of what it was like for me."   
  
"Oh, of course it had to be worse for you, no one could have a worse experience than Buffy!" he said condescendingly. "Everything's harder for you." He wasn't sure what had changed between them that he was venting like this on her and on everyone, but he didn't care. He needed to say it so he did.  
  
"Xander," she continued calmly, "Faith was like a sister to me, and we went through a lot together. We had a connection, and it wasn't skin. If you think your woes rank up there with having to stab someone who you love and care about, and who you know could've done things different if only you maybe had been there more, then go right ahead, but don't talk to me like it's fact. I'm almost as much to blame for the things Faith did as she is…"   
  
"Fine," Xander stated submissively.   
  
"I'm sorry about everything that happened Xander, I really am, but we all have things we're taking away from this - we all have to deal."   
  
"Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll just deal, Buffy." He answered sardonically walking out of the room.   
  
---  
  
"Hey, Faith," the bartender said finally returning to them. "It's almost four and I've gotta start closing up."  
  
"Alright," she smiled. She gave him a devilish grin and then reached into Robin's back pocket and pulled out a twenty. She tossed it onto the bar and he smiled and took it up. Robin was stuck staring at Faith in disbelief before he could protest otherwise. "Thanks."   
  
"My pleasure," he answered with a kind smile tracing across his face. "It was nice to meet you."  
  
"Yeah," she answered.   
  
"Have a good trip," he added.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
"So are you always on a first name basis with the bartender?" Wood asked as they walked out of the bar together.   
  
"Only when they're cute," she responded knowing it would bother him. "Do you think I should go ask for his number? He would so give it to me…" she added playfully.   
  
"I didn't think you were going to ask for his number… I just thought you two would 'hang out' together tonight." He added using the finger quotes for good measure.   
  
"Shut up," she said punching his arm.   
  
"What?" he asked innocently. "From what I've heard…"   
  
"If I've learned anything about life, it's never to listen to what people tell you about a person. You've gotta just figure people out on your own."  
  
"Has anyone ever told you that you're really fucking hard to figure out?" he asked her as they stopped on the corner for her to light a cigarette. She looked like she was really thinking about his question and she exhaled slowly,   
  
"You know, I don't think anyone's ever tried before…"  
  
"Let me tell you, I'm trying, but I don't think I'm doing very well."  
  
"Yeah, you're pretty fucking bad at it," she answered sarcastically tilting her head in front of his and smiling mischievously at him. Her lips were inches away from his and she really needed him to just touch her already.   
  
"Yeah, I know," he admitted stepping away from her knowing full well how much she wanted him to just kiss her. "I'm just about ready to stop trying," he warned beginning to walk again.   
  
"I never knew you were a quitter," she answered following him back to the motel.   
  
"I never was… you can change a man, Faith," he stated matter of factly.   
  
"I've been told that," she answered exhaling the smoke again.   
  
"Yeah, I'm sure there's not much you haven't been told," he answered.   
  
"You have no idea," she answered with a sigh. She looked up at the moon overhead as they entered the motel parking lot. She grabbed his wrist and pulled it so she could see what time it was on his watch. "It's four thirty - I've got a motel room, I've been to a bar, and I'm still not gonna get any tonight," she whined putting on a childish frown. He had to laugh at the mix of two worlds - she was both whining like a little four year old child and complaining about her lack of sex for the night. The way she could mix things like that could make him laugh to no end. They both walked towards their parked cars in the lot rather than the rooms; neither of them were quite ready to go to sleep yet.   
  
"Would this make it any better?" he asked as he leaned towards her and finally met her lips with his. He kissed her softly never parting his lips except to gently pull hers in between his. He pulled away from her and looked into her eyes.   
  
"No," she whined moving in for another. This time she grabbed his jacket and pulled him into her firmly pressing him against her as she kissed him more passionately than the first time. This kiss she was in charge of whereas the first was all him. She held him close with one hand on his jacket and the other she wrapped around his neck running her tongue through his mouth lustfully. He dropped his arms around her hips as he pushed her up against the side of their truck.   
  
"How about now?" he asked finally pulling away from the kiss. She dropped her hand down from his jacket and down to his belt. She unbuckled it and then rested her hand on the button of his jeans. She bit her lip gently and undid the button,   
  
"Maybe now," she suggested in a honey coated tone glancing up at his eyes almost daringly. She could see the hesitation in his features and she gently reached for his hand and pushed it underneath her shirt by her stomach and guided it behind her back so he was holding her firmly. "Come on," she coaxed gently kissing his lower lip.   
  
"Hey gu-" Kennedy cut herself off as she realized what she had walked in on. Robin quickly jerked away from Faith and she remained leaning against the truck just the same.   
  
"Hey, Kennedy," she said in a pissed off tone. Kennedy looked at her apologetically seeing just how angry she really was even though she was trying to control herself. Xander and Dawn came around the corner and they too approached the group. "What the fuck is this!?" Faith asked angrily.   
  
"Sorry, did we interrupt something?" Xander asked obnoxiously. "Real classy, Faith."   
  
"Dawn needed some aspirin," Kennedy tried to explain seeing the situation escalating immediately. She could understand Faith being so pissed off because, although she didn't express this energy inside of her the way Faith did, she could actually understand now why she was always so restless.   
  
Faith looked over at Robin to see what he was planning on doing about all of this but he was just standing there, appearing somewhat embarrassed and mortified. She groaned in disgust lighting a cigarette.   
  
"Whatever," she finally said walking away from all of them and towards her and Buffy's room. Kennedy stood there watching her go wanting to be able to say something that would just make things a little bit better, but she couldn't think of anything that could possible make it any less worse. Dawn crawled into the truck rummaging for her bag with the aspirin in it. Wood had begun to compose himself but the Xander shot him right back down.   
  
"So, trying to get in a nice, romantic quicky in the parking lot?" he asked sarcastically.   
  
"No…" he defended fruitlessly.   
  
"Oh, well then you forgot to do up your pants before you left," Xander pointed out. He quickly re-buttoned his jeans and did up his belt. "Wow, you really care about her, don't you?" Xander added with his words dripping with sarcasm. With his closing statement still ringing in Wood's ears he turned back towards the rooms grimacing with disgust.   
  
"Found it!" Dawn declared jumping out of the truck finally. Wood walked her back to her room before returning to his own, unable to get Xander's words to stop ringing in his ears. Kennedy walked towards the rooms last wanting to give herself some time to think. She couldn't get rid of that feeling of restlessness within her, and she could see how it could drive someone crazy, especially someone like Faith who was pretty restless anyway. She walked past Buffy and Faith's room before going back to her own.   
  
---  
  
Faith stormed into the room slamming the door behind her. Buffy jumped up from her sleep and asked quickly,   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
"I'm fine," she answered. Buffy could tell by her tight tone and her quick pace that she was far from fine.   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
"Nothing!" she spat in response pulling her duffle bag off the ground and onto the bed. She rummaged through it and pulled out a change of clothes. She finally stopped going through the bag and threw it down onto the floor. She made herself sit calmly on the bed holding her head in her hands for a moment to calm herself. Buffy watched her catch her breath and force herself to calm down - a skill she noted Faith had probably just recently acquired. She also made a mental note that she too used to control her temper by just sinking it all in and making it disappear. It never disappeared; it just built up and made her explode. She definitely didn't want to see Faith explode, she was bad enough, but she knew for a fact Faith would be a hell of a lot worse than she could ever be.   
  
"Faith?" Buffy asked cautiously seeing Faith still hadn't moved.   
  
"Yeah, B?" she asked still holding her head down in between her hands.   
  
"You should try and get some sleep… we have a long day tomorrow."   
  
"I don't sleep well when I'm like this," she answered finally raising her head up and looking at Buffy.   
  
"You should at least try," she added.   
  
"Night," Faith said as she walked into the bathroom with her clothes. 


	3. Part III

Adjustment  
  
Part III  
  
Summary: an uneasy night in the motel   
  
With a yawn Buffy sat up in bed woken up by the furious tossing and turning she heard from Faith's bed. She glanced at the digital clock on the stand near her bed and it read 5:15 in bold, neon green lettering. It hadn't been long since she had fallen asleep with Faith going into the bathroom for a shower, so it had been an even shorter time since Faith had gone to sleep. When she said she didn't sleep well, she wasn't kidding, Buffy noted as the brunette tossed uneasily with a look of tension strewn across her features. Her expression looked like she was in pain, a sight that sent Buffy into an anxious state of worry. It seemed so weird to her, but once she thought about it for a few moments it all fell into place like a puzzle with several intricate edges. Faith, someone who claimed her inner demons didn't bother her or even weigh her down (or at least she used to), they were emotions she couldn't suppress in her sleep, and God did they haunt her then.   
  
Buffy sank back down onto her pillow, resting her head lightly while she still watched Faith intensely not wanting to miss anything. She was absolutely fascinated but also quite worried. She listened closely as she began to breathe laboriously but slowly, which was then followed by a low, almost inaudible whine. Suddenly she gasped and let out a cry,   
  
"No!" she sat bolt upright regaining her breath. She swallowed hard as she glanced around the room try to collect her thoughts. Buffy watched as she rubbed her face to rid it of the accumulation of sweat that had formed around her forehead and cheeks. When she was content with her breathing being back to normal she lowered herself back into bed obviously trying to calm herself from the terrible dream she had just had. She seemed reluctant to fall asleep again, but the daze of dreaming and the sleepiness of early morning overcame her and she closed her eyes again.   
  
Buffy calmed herself, a little shocked from what had just occurred and began to attempt sleep once again also. But she was even more shocked that Faith was tossing once again as soon as sleep had overtaken her. She watched her every move and with the dim sunlight creeping through the windows she could even see the white of Faith's knuckles as she grasped the pillow with her full strength. Her features were held tightly in a way one might hold it either when they are crying or when they're preparing to get punched in the face. She recoiled from some unseen thing with a pleading expression and barely audible pleads,   
  
"…please… I'm… sorry… don't… please… I… don't… want to… die… I know… I'm… sorry…" her voice was so pleading and beseeching that Buffy could barely recognize it as hers. The volume of her voice was so low that Buffy, even with her advanced hearing struggled to make out the words. "Buffy… NO!" she finally cried out once again being ripped from her sleep and sent flying up into a sitting position this time grasping her stomach tightly. Buffy's breath caught in her throat as she put some of the puzzle pieces together. She still couldn't beckon herself to move - her brain just wouldn't respond. Faith fell back onto her pillow feeling frustrated and tired. It took her a little longer to find sleep again, but it didn't take her mind any longer to send her tossing and turning again.   
  
She finally stopped herself from turning and she grasped her pillow tightly. Buffy couldn't believe how much it shrunk Faith down to size to see her struggling with her own mind. The simple act alone of her not being able to sleep made her seem like so much more of a child, even though Buffy knew she had plenty of things that kept her mind racing, she couldn't help but see how childlike the behavior was. With a breathy sigh Faith was once again dragged from sleep. She exhaled loudly in frustration opening her eyes in defeat. She had had enough of her minds' games and she finally got up out of bed.   
  
God talk about not being able to get over it, Faith thought mocking herself viciously. She glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, 5:40. Not even an hour ago she had been outside… she sifted through her thoughts trying to clear her mind of all of the things that were presently clouding it so heavily she could barely open her eyes all the way and be able to focus on what was in front of her.   
  
"Are you okay?" Buffy finally asked. Faith jumped slightly at her voice,   
  
"I'm kinda sick of you asking me that," Faith said not sparing her wonderful morning attitude with everyone else.   
  
"You weren't kidding when you said you didn't sleep well," Buffy added nonchalantly taking Faith down a peg. She stopped rummaging through her bag and set her gaze on Buffy.   
  
"Yeah, I usually don't…"   
  
"Really?" Buffy asked unsure of how she would be able to handle herself if every night of hers was like the one she just watched Faith have. "Is that always how you sleep?"   
  
"Depends how I feel when I go to sleep," she answered.   
  
"Like how?" Buffy asked curiously.   
  
"I don't know…" Faith answered never really having thought about it to the extent of being able to put it into words. "If I'm all tense or you know, don't get the right releases, then I usually don't sleep too great…"   
  
"The right releases?" Buffy questioned with a smile.   
  
"You know, like a good slay or a good screw… either one will do - both are best though," Faith answered honestly. "And if I do, then I sleep alright…"   
  
"Just alright?"   
  
"Yeah," she answered, "I'm not picky." Buffy nodded making a huge mental note to add to her section that was devoted all to figuring her out - Faith's demons liked to attack her when she slept and couldn't fight back. It was a terrible feeling, Buffy thought, to know that you can never really rest or have real peace. She remembered Angel telling her about dreams that haunted him. He said they still happened on occasion to him, but they had definitely faded since he had repented. Buffy knew Faith was in the process of her repentance, she guessed her time in prison hadn't completely encompassed her full repentance.   
  
"Yeah, I was supposed to grow out of nightmares when I was a kid," Faith added shoving her things into her duffle bag. "Well, kiddy dreams finally went away… but then different ones moved in," she said gesturing towards her head trying to play it off like a joke, even though Buffy knew it obviously wasn't.   
  
"You used to have nightmares as a kid?" Buffy asked curiously.   
  
"Yeah, doesn't every kid?"   
  
"I guess so, to some extent… it just surprises me."   
  
"What does?"   
  
"I just never saw you as someone who would have nightmares," she answered honestly.   
  
"Well, I've seen a lot of shit," Faith stated honestly.   
  
"I know," Buffy comforted.   
  
"No you don't," Faith corrected with a slight laugh in her tone. She didn't say it angrily, just with a sigh in her voice as she seemed to try and refocus herself before she could think about it any more. "So when are we heading out?"   
  
"What was prison like for you?" Buffy blurted out uncontrollably.   
  
"You wanna know what the big house was like?" Faith asked slightly taken aback. She had always viewed Buffy as one of those people who just didn't want to think about things like that and would prefer to just assume all the things she had heard weren't true.   
  
"It changed you, Faith…" Buffy answered from somewhere deep within her heart. Faith could tell her words didn't decipher whether it was a negative or positive thing, or both, but it was clear that she had noticed a change, one that Faith had noticed and could feel with ever movement she made. She felt different, she thought different, and she saw the world and the people in it very different. She couldn't really describe how, or necessarily blame it completely on being locked away, it could have just been the corrosive results of her mind thinking over everything for so long. Whatever it was, she didn't think she was really ready to talk about it - all she knew was she didn't like it and it was something she didn't want to ever have to go through again.   
  
"It does that," she stated plainly as she zippered up her back finally.   
  
"I didn't think it possible," Buffy began, "but you actually talk *less* about the way you feel then you used to…"   
  
"You learn real quick that no one really gives a shit about how you feel," Faith answered plainly tossing her bag at the door. Buffy felt a pain rise up within her starting at her feet and engulfing her entire body in a matter of seconds. Faith's words confirmed one of her biggest fears - since she had met Faith she had sensed that sort of attitude that she was used to people just not caring about her and that was how her and the gang had tried to help Faith to understand they were on her side, by showing her that they cared. The fact that she had now been subjected to an atmosphere that compounded that feeling, it made Buffy feel ill and like she had done wrong by Faith, which she thought she was already feeling guilt for, but now she was really feeling it.   
  
Buffy knew Faith had made her own choices and it was her ultimate decisions that led to her demise, but she also knew that it was Faith's anger and insecurity that led to those choices she made. She had thought seeing Faith now after her being away for so long that she had become more confident and less angry in a weird sort of way, but now she was quickly realizing that yes, she had come to terms with a lot of the things she had done, but her anger had only depleted in a way that fed her insecurities and inner pain, in a strange way making her more angry. The anger had changed, Buffy noted, except now it was focused more on a self-loathing rather than a hatred of the world. She hadn't completely flipped, she still distrusted everything and knew the scum of the world more closely then she knew she ever wanted to, but in a way she had recognized that it was her own fault that she had been through that and for that she hated herself more than everyone else.   
  
The door finally knocked and Faith, being closer to it, walked over and opened it up leaning against the doorframe. Willow was standing there and Faith caught her jump seeing Faith behind the door. She could tell she was remembering all of the times she had come to her old motel room looking for Buffy, and how 'nice' she had been. Faith had always had a thing with Willow, she was her only real competition with being best buds with B, and because of that there had always been a slight tension between the two. It had faded since then, but when caught off-guard, like just now, it was noticeable.   
  
"Hey, Red," Faith finally greeted.   
  
"Hey, Faith," she answered. Faith stepped away from the door allowing her in. "Hey, Buffy," she greeted with a smile and a small wave. Buffy was sitting on the bed packing up her bag and she smiled and answered,   
  
"Morning." All three of them simultaneously realized the similar scene from a few years back. Willow had been worried about school and stressed about some family problems and she really needed to speak to Buffy about them. She knew she had been busy getting all buddy buddy with Faith, but her emotional overload sent her out seeking her friend and she knew she had to go to Faith's motel room because that was exactly where Buffy was going to be. When she had gotten there Faith answered the door standing in the doorway hovering above her making her feel three inches tall. She couldn't help but remember how she stuttered, 'is-s-s-is Bub-buf-buffy he-he-here?' Faith had just laughed at her then and walked into the motel room and Willow had followed anxiously behind her seeing Buffy then sitting on Faith's bed rummaging through some CD's.   
  
"Giles is already packing up the car," Willow finally continued snapping out of her memories. It went by hardly noticed by the other two because they two had been slightly sucked away in remembering the past.   
  
"I'll go give him a hand," Faith said giving her a friendly smile and picking up her bag off of the floor. She headed out of the room towards the vehicles.   
  
"How's my Willow?" Buffy asked looking at her friend still standing there slightly nervously.   
  
"She's being perfectly friendly… perfectly sane… really well behaved, and she still scares the crap out of me, Buffy!" Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her friend who was obviously trying really hard to return the nice gestures to Faith, but now it was clear that she was truly struggling with it. "I feel terrible that I feel that way, but I can't help it… at least when I went to Angel's knowing she was there I had an excuse to be scared, she had just gotten out of prison… well, broken out, and I didn't know how much better she was going to be - but now I know that she's really trying and that she's been nothing but help…"   
  
"She's got an intimidating personality," Buffy comforted. "It's the only way she's survived this long…"   
  
---  
  
"Hey, G-man," Faith greeted tossing her duffle bag into the trunk of the Suburban.   
  
"Good morning, Faith," he answered as he meticulously placed all of the bags into the back seat of the car so that they would all fit without crushing anything.   
  
"Do I have time to run and grab a bite to eat before we go?" Faith asked seeing that he was done with the packing.   
  
"Xander already-"  
  
"I got everyone breakfast already," Xander said cutting him off as he approached the vehicles with bags in hand. He placed them all down in the backseat of the truck. "Here," he said without directly looking at her and in a tone to match as he handing her a cup of coffee. He was still standing in the doorway of the back seat of the truck and she was leaning against the side.   
  
"You must have been up early," she noted taking the coffee from him.   
  
"I didn't sleep well," he muttered in the same indifferent tone as before.   
  
"Yeah, me either," she said trying to get a real conversation going.   
  
"Pity," he answered taking his coffee out of the bag and walking away from her. She glared at him in disbelief as he walked away towards Dawn and Kennedy who were now approaching with their bags. Dawn stopped with Xander and began talking to him but Kennedy went right around the two bee-lining for Faith. She saw her standing there alone with a look of slight disbelief on her face and she also couldn't help but notice the bag with her breakfast right beside her in the truck.   
  
"Hey," Kennedy greeted.   
  
"Hey," Faith responded, "do you have any smokes on you?"   
  
"Faith, I don't smoke…" Kennedy defended not really wanting to directly say no and disappoint her.   
  
"Well you should," Faith said matching the tone that a teacher might use when instructing a student of something to do that would be beneficial for their future.   
  
"Sorry."   
  
"Nah, don't worry about it," Faith coaxed… well, as best as she did coax at six o'clock in the morning, if ever.   
  
"About last night too… I didn't realize… if I had I would have kept everyone from walking over…" Faith sighed and answered,   
  
"It's alright, kid… nothing I can't handle," she comforted. Kennedy had complete trust in her but when Xander walked over to the breakfast bag with Dawn and didn't even raise his gaze in the surrounding location of Faith she knew things were pretty bad.   
  
"So what's for breakfast?" Faith asked.   
  
"I got a bunch of egg and cheese sandwiches… I didn't think you'd want any though - I'll go back and get you one if you do," he offered weakly.   
  
"Nah," she shrugged, "that's alright… I'm not really hungry." Kennedy could feel the tension in the air even though it seemed Dawn hadn't picked up on it yet. The two of them were being very well behaved with the growing tension, but it was something that Kennedy would never have been able to miss. She couldn't help but feel bad for Faith, but she could tell sympathy was the last thing she wanted.   
  
"You sure?" Xander offered again even more weakly than the first.   
  
"Yeah, I'm good," Faith answered with a fake smile, not that he could even see it since he had his gaze focused in a completely different direction. She saw Wood walking from the room towards the cars and she left the little group and walked up to him.   
  
"Good morning," he greeted delicately.   
  
"Can you spot me a five?" Faith asked glancing at him quickly and then back down the street at a little shop seeming slightly fidgety to him.  
  
"What for?" he asked as he pulled it out of his back pocket.   
  
"Thanks." she said shortly as she took the money from his hand and walked towards the shop without a further word or gesture.   
  
---  
  
"Sorry," Faith said as she climbed into the truck's backseat. The two vehicles were pulled out of their spaces and waiting one behind the other ready to go when she finally came back. She slammed the door and tried to make herself comfortable for the long day of driving ahead of them. They began driving and she looked up noticing the slight difference in the way the truck was being handled. She saw Willow behind the wheel of the truck and it made her laugh inside. Seeing the petit woman behind the wheel wasn't nearly as hysterical as her brain was making it out to be - but it was because she couldn't help but look up there and see the small little girl she used to know in her jean overalls and childish flower hat. She glanced around the rest of the truck to see who else she was with and she saw Buffy in the front seat where she had been sitting yesterday, and she noticed Xander sitting on the other end of the backseat. He had himself practically pressed against the door to ensure maximum distance between the two of them.   
  
"So what's the plan for today? Do we have a plan?" Xander asked realizing finally that their gang very rarely had a thought out plan of attack, ever!   
  
"We have a plan!" Willow declared proudly glancing at him through the rear view mirror.   
  
"We do?" Buffy asked quickly adding, "I didn't help plan our plan…" slightly upset that she had had nothing to do with the planning of their plan.   
  
"It's not a big plan," Willow assured. Faith smirked over at Xander, which caused him to quickly change his gaze which had somehow once again ended up on her. "We're just going to stop at a little roadside town for dinner. Me and Giles looked it up on the map and we should get there around nine o'clock if we don't hit any traffic."   
  
"So until then we just drive," Buffy stated questioningly hoping there was someway that wouldn't be true.   
  
"I think we're going to have to stop for gas pretty soon, but other than that, yeah, we're just driving." Faith groaned in response and sunk back into her seat. She had spent almost four years sitting in a cell just waiting for the time to pass and the thought of spending another day locked in the car sounded intolerable. She put her sunglasses on and propped her feet up against the back of Buffy's seat resuming her gaze out of the window.   
  
Xander glanced over at her again taking note of her. She had her hair pulled up in a clip with pieces hanging down making it appear to be a nonchalant, careless act but the placement of each little piece made it obvious to him that it had been meticulously done. Her eyes were covered by her dark sunglasses and she wore a flattering red tee-shirt that complimented the sky-blue sweatpants. Unlike the pair she had worn the day before these were tight and showed off her figure rather than the other which were just baggy and alluded to the fact.   
  
Snapping himself away from his now staring gaze he asked,   
  
"Can you guys put on some music?"   
  
"Sure," Buffy answered complimenting his idea. She fiddled with the radio for a while till she found a good station to keep it on that seemed to please everyone and one that Faith didn't hate. They drove for hours, all of them losing themselves in the music, making the miles seem to go by quicker. Xander leaned against the window which was already warming itself from the sun hitting it for so long. The songs formed pictures in his head as he zoned out. After a quick radio ad a song he hadn't heard in years played. (Eve6 - "Leech").   
  
((Tell those stories to me   
  
I'm dying to hear the things you've done and seen   
  
Farfetched as they may be   
  
You strike a smile in me   
  
Your stories ring of perjury   
  
Construed with self empowering theme))  
  
Pictures formed in his head and his memory brought him back to his senior year of high school. He remembered Faith coming to town and all of the stories she had charmed everyone with, especially him. He remembered listening to her contently feeling like he could just listen to her forever - the way she spoke, the slight accent that slipped out at the end of a few sentences, the things she spoke about… he knew listening to some of them that they were bazaar and probably stretched, but he didn't care. Just listening to her had made him feel wanted.   
  
((Suckin' on my brain you're the teacher I'm the student   
  
Turning things around your story's not congruent   
  
Tabloid decoys pitiful excuses   
  
Turning things around   
  
You're turning things around))  
  
The scene of his memory changed into Faith's old motel room the night he had gone over to talk to her about the murder. He felt as though he we standing in front of her all over again - he could feel everything like it was actually happening. He felt the nervous energy rushing through his veins and the desperate hope that she would trust him. He remembered how scared and weird, but at the same time how good it felt with her on top of him sucking his lip, then biting it painfully followed by her kissing and licking his entire face. He remembered talking to her and saying things clearly and concisely to the point not wanting her to be able to interpret anything he said the wrong way, but she had still turned everything around using scapegoats, changing the shades of meanings in his own words and being able to completely spin him around in half a heartbeat.   
  
((A manic stunning scene   
  
I'm taking notes you're taking me away into your false reality   
  
I know you comfort lies in lying   
  
to try to make your life make sense   
  
But you're not making sense   
  
I'd say it aloud but I'm not allowed))  
  
Remembering how she had then tried to convince him that he was only there for a 'second taste' he remembered his first taste. The whirl of emotions: fear and excitement mixing together in a way that made him both confident and hesitant. Even though she had denied it, or maybe not even realized it, he knew he had seen a part of her that she had never intended on letting him in on. He saw how the lust and desperation built up inside of her was just her way of dealing with things, and how sex was really something that took her to a place that let her forget about everything except how good it made her feel. He could practically hear her moans in his ears as he sat there watching the road flashing quick glances her way. Her passion and desire to go to that place was what enabled her to bring him with her. He remembered the feeling so vividly of her moaning softly to him as he left the nervousness of keeping up with her behind and drifted off with her to a place where nothing else mattered but her and how she was making him feel.   
  
When it had come to a finish he remembered the best part - getting to hold her in his arms. He caressed her soft skin and looked into her telling eyes. He remembered wanting so badly to say something, something that would just make those eyes smile. Her face was smiling, but he remembered that her eyes had something lying underneath them. He wanted to just say something to quiet that pain and to straighten her world out to make it stop spinning and finally just make sense. Make him make sense to her - to make her believe that he wanted her, and not just for what they had just done.   
  
((I see your head spin round and round   
  
Broken record talk tonight   
  
skip that needle back and forth on your mind   
  
wearing out unconvincing lies))  
  
Before he could figure out something to say that would show her how he felt he remembered the horrible feeling of her moving away from him and leaving him cold in the bed. She had taken the sheet with her and wrapped it skillfully around her like a towel. He could see by the look on her face that she wanted to say something and it obviously was bothering her but she immediately suppressed it, quieting her emotions, and she hurried him to leave. He remembered the feeling of confusion that rushed through him as she pushed him to go, fogging the clarity of the situation. 'I've gotta shower…' was the best lie she could muster to him looking up at her standing at her door in his underwear.   
  
((Like a seedling dropped from an old oak tree   
  
your shade don't hide no sun from me   
  
Fake stories humor me   
  
It's graduation time   
  
I love you))  
  
He laughed quietly to himself as he remembered how he felt. It was definitely a confusing time in his life - more so than most guys graduating from high school. He remembered going home that night after his 'secret battle' and even going to see his friend the next day as they all told him he had missed it. He remembered laughing on the inside knowing that Faith's lies hadn't hidden any of her insecurities from him and her stories, even if they were stretched at times, they still made him smile. Suddenly his focus changed as he saw a blonde walking down the side of the highway on the other side. His thoughts immediately switched to Anya and guilt overwhelmed him that he had even thought of thinking of someone else.   
  
Xander quickly snapped out of his little trace as he realized Faith meet his eyes that he then realized had been staring straight at her for god only knows how long.   
  
"What?" she asked as he shot her a look.   
  
"Nothing," he answered resuming his stare on the road ahead.   
  
---  
  
"So is there anything written in your books about slayer restlessness?" Kennedy asked as her fidgetiness had finally started to drive her nuts, not to mention that it had already taken effect on the rest of the car about an hour before that.   
  
"Is there a cure?" Robin asked quickly.   
  
"It's completely normal, Kennedy," Giles explained ignoring Woods question. "A slayer is meant to be on the prowl or intensely training…"   
  
"Yeah, not sitting in a car for three days!" She whined, "I need some serious energy burning."   
  
"You could always use Faith's methods," Andrew muttered. "Oh, but wait Willow's in the other car… too bad."   
  
"Shut up, Andrew," Dawn scolded.   
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Robin asked spinning towards him from the front seat.   
  
"Nothing… she just seems to know how to burn her energy," he answered even surprising himself in his lack of intimidation. He just didn't care anymore.   
  
"You know what!" Wood yelled practically jumping into the back seat.   
  
"Hey, hey, hey," Kennedy defended jumping between them. "Chill. Andrew, shut up."   
  
"Ooo look, now we have little Miss Buffy Jr.," Andrew added ignoring her.   
  
"Hey!" Kennedy defended.   
  
"See, if I had called her Faith she wouldn't have had a problem with it," Andrew added not really talking to anyone in particular.   
  
"Andrew," Giles said almost pleading, "could we please contain anything negative we have to say, at least for the time being…"   
  
"I haven't said anything this entire trip, and I can't take it anymore!"   
  
"Andrew, we'll be arriving either late tonight or in the early hours of the morning… for the time being, please refrain from saying anything that might start an argument."  
  
"But I-"  
  
"We're all tired and cranky-" Giles said cutting Andrew off but he was cut off by Wood adding,   
  
"Yeah, some people in particular."   
  
"We're *all* tired and cranky," he repeated, "and we all just have to get along until-"  
  
"Ooo, rest stop!" Kennedy pointed out approaching on the side of the highway.   
  
"Oh thank heavens," Giles said putting on his blinker and moving towards the right lane so they could pull off.   
  
---  
  
"Good boy," Willow praised as Giles pulled off the highway at the little town they had designated for dinner. 


	4. Part IV

Adjustment - Part IV   
  
"Table for nine," Giles answered the waiter. He nodded and they followed him to a table towards the back of the diner. It was nothing special but they looked like they'd have decent food, fairly fast service, and they'd be able to accommodate their fairly large group. Everyone filed around the table finding their seats. The waiter took their order for drinks and said he'd be back in a few moments.   
  
"In diner language, he'll be back in twenty minutes," Xander stated proudly.   
  
"Hey, I didn't know you spoke two languages," Faith praised condescendingly.   
  
"Yeah, that's kinda like when I found out you-"   
  
"So what is everyone thinking of getting?" Kennedy asked quickly cutting Xander off being able to anticipate what his next words might be. Everyone was slightly taken aback by Xander's attitude. He'd been in a rank mood since they woke him up as they approached their stop. He had been hissing and every single thing Faith had done, including smoking.   
  
"I don't know," Willow answered in a slightly whining tone, "what are you getting, baby?"   
  
"I was thinking about the steak sandwich…"   
  
"That sounds good," Giles agreed noting it on the menu.   
  
"So, what are you getting?" Xander asked directing his question at Wood.   
  
"I'm not really decided…"   
  
"What were you thinking about?"   
  
"Well the chicken cutlet looks pretty good."   
  
"Oh, my mistake," Xander added sarcastically. He was quickly nudged in the ribs by Buffy causing him to scowl in protest. "So, I never really got the whole story on you - how did you get the job at Sunnydale?"   
  
"I heard about the opening and I had been planning to come to Sunnydale as soon as I could since I had heard of the Slayer there."   
  
"So you came for Buffy?"   
  
"I-" Wood began to answer but Buffy cut him off.   
  
"Giles and I looked up some things on the area we're moving to Xander, and there's a construction company set up not that far away… it should be easy for you to find some work when we get there."   
  
"Yeah," he nodded. "I haven't really decided if I want to go back to work right away though."   
  
"Yeah, about that," Dawn added, "Buffy, I'm not so sure I'm ready to go back to school already… I think it would be really beneficial for me to take some time off," she urged with a convincing smile plastered across her face hoping her speech would work.   
  
"Take it from me, Dawn," Faith spoke up seeing that Buffy was struggling with exactly the right words to say 'hell no!' to her, "once you take a little while off of school, you don't want to go back."   
  
"You mean I don't ever have to go back?"   
  
"No!" Buffy spat.   
  
"That's not what I meant," Faith clarified, "don't follow my example, follow Buffy's… well, most of it," Faith added shooting Buffy a playful grin.   
  
"Yeah, let's definitely clarify - don't follow Faith's example," Xander stated in a mean-spirited tone, "in anything."   
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Faith asked defensively.   
  
"It's supposed to mean that she shouldn't repeat *anything* you've ever done or even thought about doing because they're all bad things and Dawn actually *has* a chance at a future."   
  
"Settle down," Giles ordered.   
  
"You almost dragged Buffy down with you before and I don't need to watch you do the same with Dawn or Kennedy."   
  
"Yeah, because my examples been a lot worse for them than the one you're setting right now…" Faith answered.   
  
"Excuse me," the waiter said as he approached with the drinks. He set them down on the table and stated, "if you could, could you two please continue this outside… the manager is here and…"   
  
"I need a cigarette," Faith said getting up out of her seat and heading for the door.   
  
"Ugh," Xander groaned in response rolling his eyes. She saw his gesture and quickly stated,   
  
"Xander, if you have something to say to me then just say it."   
  
"Fine! I will!" Xander yelled after her.   
  
"Then sir, could you please go outside to do so?" the waiter asked as politely as he could while in reality he was kicking them out for being too loud. Xander got up from the table and followed Faith quickly outside.   
  
"I'm terribly sorry," Giles said apologizing to the waiter. They talked for a few moments and he eventually walked away leaving them all alone.   
  
"God, what's gotten into him?" Willow asked Buffy.   
  
"He's been grumpy all day…" she answered.   
  
---  
  
"I have plenty to say to you, Faith," he said storming out of the diner after her. She already had her cigarette out and was in the process of lighting it.   
  
"Go right ahead, I'll pretend to listen," she said not even lifting her head to look at him.   
  
"You're a fucking bitch, you know that, Faith," he spat out. She raised an eyebrow at him and nodded.   
  
"Gee, I would've gotten that one right."   
  
"God, why the hell did Anya even like you!?" he suddenly asked angrily not completely realizing what exactly he was saying till he saw the look come over Faith's face.   
  
"So that's what this is all about."   
  
"Don't you dare bring her into this!" he warned.   
  
"I'm not the one who brought her into anything, you are…" she explained snappily.   
  
"God, go away," he finally yelled childishly not having anything else to say. She raised her cigarette up and answered,   
  
"You go away… I'm smoking… and besides, I was here first," she said rationalizing why she should get to stay matching his childishness with her own.   
  
"I would go back inside with people I actually like… well, most of them, but *you* got me kicked out of the diner," he stated matter of factly.   
  
"Alright, you definitely sound like a snotty eight year old," she stated with a laugh.   
  
"Could you just focus for ten seconds?"   
  
"I was going to time my attention span once actually but once I got the stopwatch all set up and everything, I got bored so I did something else…" Faith said a smile threatening her lips as she said it. Xander actually had to laugh in response to that. The two stood there smiling at each other during a narrow time period of truce when Faith saw the flashing siren lights reflecting in the windows to the diner. She spun around hearing the sirens sound and the lights flash as the car slid into a stop only ten feet from where they were standing. Xander quickly looked over to Faith to see what she was going to do but she just froze.   
  
"Hands up where I can see them!" the officer yelled jumping out of the drivers side with his gun already in his hand and aimed directly at both of them. His partner stood uniformly on the passenger side, both shielded by the car doors. Faith tossed her cigarette to the ground quickly. Xander kept glancing over at Faith if not only to see what exactly to do, but to see how she was going to handle everything - this was her area and definitely not his. "Good," the officer said stepping around the door and slowly towards them. Faith stood there not even breathing with her hands held above her head, meeting at the wrists right above her head. Her expression was as blank as he had ever seen it as she gave no indication to her thoughts through her features.   
  
"You, step away from her," the partner called over to Xander also moving away from the car and closer to them. Xander did so keeping his eyes moving quickly between the cops and Faith.   
  
---  
  
"Those two are being insufferable tonight," Willow noted after the silence of the table had cleared since Faith and Xander's hasty exit.   
  
"Yeah, speaking of which, they've been out there a while…" Buffy noted, "I'll go get them, make sure no one is severely injured… their food is getting cold."   
  
"I'll come with you," Kennedy said getting up without even waiting for Buffy's response.   
  
"Okay," Buffy answered.   
  
"Do you want me to come too?" Willow offered.   
  
"No need… if I'm not back in an hour call the squat team," she joked. Buffy and Kennedy walked out of the diner and rounded the corner of the parking lot but both of them quickly halted in their tracks as they saw the two police officers holding guns up to Faith and Xander with the flashing lights of the cop car seeming to elevate the tension of the situation. "Oh my god," Buffy whispered. Kennedy just stood there frozen as she watched the officer finally approach Faith, still holding his gun firmly.   
  
"Don't move," he ordered quickly glancing her over to make sure there were no obvious weapons within her close grasp. "Okay," he answered grabbing her arm roughly, "up against the car," he said pushing her firmly towards the side of the cop car. Xander, Buffy and Kennedy all watched, already amazed that Faith hadn't said a damn thing to the officer. "Alright," he said pushing her back shoving her firmly against the side of the vehicle. "Spread 'em," he said typically patting her thigh. She did so and Xander could already feel himself getting angry.   
  
The officer re-sheathed his gun and pushed her again into the car. Faith gritted her teeth but didn't make a move. She had her head turned towards Xander and the other cop but he noticed she wasn't looking at him. She just seemed to zone herself out fixating herself on looking in no obvious direction - but it seemed like she was even just looking more inside than at anything on the outside. Even though she tried to keep her face free of expression, the fear and anger welling up in her eyes made Xander want to just run over there and punch the cop in the face.   
  
"How much fucking closer to the car do you want her!?" Xander finally yelled. The cop gave him a smug glance and for an ego boost he shoved her against the car again even harder than he had any of the other times.   
  
"Alright, honey, spread 'em like I know a girl like you can," he said obnoxiously. She separated her feet slightly clenching her teeth tightly. He patted her thigh again, "like you want it bad, baby, come on," he said in a slightly pissed off tone. Once again she separated her feet farther away only to be once again shoved up against the car but this time she could feel he did it more with his hips because she could feel him up against her even afterwards.   
  
"What the hell is that guy doing?" Kennedy asked Buffy angrily.   
  
"Oh god," Buffy answered worry welling up within her in a way she couldn't remember ever feeling before.   
  
"Just like that," the officer, who everyone was quickly noticing had quite a bit of ulterior motives in this search, said as he leaned against her tense body pushed up against the car. He ran his hands from her waist up her arms pushing them over her head on the car. He patted them down then moved his hands over her breasts as slowly as he could squeezing and patting. "Stay the fuck still!" he yelled as she tensed against his touch.   
  
"Hey!" Xander screamed angrily as loud as he could.   
  
"Do your girl a favor, buddy, just have fun watching," the partner said smiling back at his friend who was obviously having fun searching the girl. Xander threatened to ignore him and go after the other guy anyway but the partner flashed his gun quickly at his face and he backed off again.   
  
Since she had moved, the officer happily began his search again starting again at her arms and moving slowly down again. She tensed up again unable to help it since his touch was so intrusive and ugly to her.   
  
"We could stay out here all night, baby," he said pushing her up against the car again with his body while his hands remained under her arms and across her breasts.   
  
"You'd like that wouldn't you," she muttered through clenched teeth. He raised one of his hands and hit her in the back of the neck with his forearm as he shoved her again.   
  
"What was that, kitten?" he asked as she caught her breath from the blow while still restraining herself.   
  
"This is so not good," Buffy said nervously to Kennedy. "Go get Giles," she said finally deciding things were definitely about to get really bad. Kennedy nodded and quickly ran back into the diner for Giles.   
  
"Get your fucking hands off of her!" Xander screamed again watching his hands lingering around her chest.   
  
"Settle down, son," the partner said but now he was clearly becoming a little tired of his partner's game. Giles jogged out of the diner with Kennedy and the others were following behind at a walk so they were a little farther behind. Giles met Buffy and immediately paused and processed the situation quickly. It was one skill that he had always been extensively trained in with the Watcher training, but he was particularly good at it.   
  
"This is not good," Buffy muttered to him. He could see the tears welling up in her eyes and he answered her with as comforting of a look as he could manage.   
  
"It could be worse."   
  
"How?" Buffy asked spinning around to look at him quickly.   
  
"They could know who she is…" Giles reminded.   
  
"That fucking creep better get his hands off of her," Robin said walking past Giles and Buffy. Buffy quickly jumped forward and grabbed him and pulled him back.   
  
"Don't," Buffy said not sure of why, she just had a feeling it would be better.   
  
"Does he always have this much trouble just watching?" the officer asked suggestively leaning his mouth close to Faith's ear as though he was asking her a secret. He lowered his hands running them around her waist, squeezing it happily. From his close proximity, leaning against her, Faith could feel that he was having lots of fun and it made her feel like she was about to vomit. He ran his hands down to her hips then slid them forward and down till he ran them between her legs. He squeezed her upper-inner thigh and Xander could practically hear Faith holding herself back from snapping this guys neck.   
  
"That's enough!!!" Xander screamed again.   
  
"I don't want to have to say it again," the partner said holding his gun up again.   
  
"Giles, do something," Buffy said thin tears actually running down her face.   
  
"She's handling it…" he explained.   
  
"She shouldn't have to!" Buffy quickly defended.   
  
"You're right, but it would be best, if possible, to just sit it out and wait for them to leave."   
  
"Giles, say something!" she demanded. "Faith's been eying that guys gun for the past five minutes, Giles, you better do something quick before she's decided she's had enough… she's real close to it," Buffy stated firmly.   
  
"Alright," Giles said seeing that Buffy's observation was a reality. He waited one more moment but as he saw the cops hands squeezing her inner thigh he stepped forward.   
  
"Freeze!" the partner said holding up his gun at Giles.   
  
"Officer, what seems to be the problem?" Xander quickly took his eyes off of Faith to see where Giles had come from and he saw him approaching confidently as well as everyone standing in a little group just around the corner. The officer lowered his gun from Giles and glanced back at Xander then back at Giles. Xander returned his gaze to Faith and he saw the officer squeeze her roughly.   
  
"What the fuck!" he screamed finally charging over towards her. The tears he could see finally start to form in her eyes as she tried to zone herself farther and farther away from reality. He could see her regulating her breath to stay calm and forcing her twitching muscles not to be allowed to spin around and beat this guy into a bloody pulp. Xander had also seen her eying the guys gun but he repeated steadily in his head, 'don't do it, Faith,' which thankfully, one way or another she had heard and restrained herself from what she really wanted to do. The partner jumped in front of him and the two shoved each other.   
  
"Son, settle down," the partner said in a more understanding tone than before. Obviously he had seen what his friend had done and he wasn't comfortable with the situation any more so he was kind of leaning more towards siding with these teenagers.   
  
"Get him the fuck away from her!" Xander yelled threatening to go and do it himself.   
  
"Let's go," the partner finally said to his friend. His friend finally lifted himself off of her. She knowledgably still didn't move off of the car knowing it would just be another excuse for him to shove her again and she really didn't think she could take him doing that again without her defending herself.   
  
"Excuse me," Giles said again this time more strongly. "What is the problem?"   
  
"There's no problem," the first officer said finally turning away from Faith towards Giles.   
  
"Yeah there is!" Xander yelled.   
  
"What was the reason for that, hmm, extensive search, officer?" Giles pushed.   
  
"Let's go," the first officer said to his partner ready to leave ignoring Giles question.   
  
"Excuse me," he said again stepping between the car door and the officer.   
  
"Umm…" he said making it obvious that he was making up a reason, "we got tipped off that there would be a drug exchange in this parking lot tonight… two drug dealers, a girl and a guy, the girl was supposed to have all of the stuff on her… good one, huh?"   
  
"I'm very impressed," Giles answered sardonically. The officer stepped around Giles moving back towards Faith.   
  
"Put your legs together, honey, you look like a slut…" he said pulling her off of the side of the car. She looked at him, and god, if looks could kill, that man would be already six feet underground. She didn't say a word as he smiled suggestively at her licking his bottom lip for good measure before getting into the car and driving away.   
  
"Faith, are you alright?" Giles asked cautiously. She had that look, that look that made it seem like she was looking straight through you and onto whatever was behind you. That look that made you feel hollow inside when you saw it. A look that should show fear and anxiety but was always interpreted as strength and indifference. She didn't even answer him she just glanced over at Buffy and the rest of the gang who were already slowly approaching. Faith walked quickly towards the wall of the diner (they were behind the diner in the parking lot) to where the garbage was put out and where any wooden shipment boxes were stacked. She appeared pretty calm, all things considered, but things definitely changed once she reached the brick wall.   
  
All of a sudden she was punching and kicking the brick wall screaming as she did so. She picked up various wooden boxes sending them splintering into thousands of pieces as they collided at high speeds with the brick wall. Xander ran over to her, being the only one since everyone else was either shocked at her sudden shift, or just not wanting to be anywhere near her. He reached her and just grabbed her arms from behind her and held onto them with all of his strength. She continued to kick violently out at the wall lifting herself off of the ground being anchored by Xander holding her arms.   
  
"Stop it… stop… Faith, please… stop it!" he begged trying to just hold onto her during her fit. "Stop!" he said again pulling her back as hard as he could. She finally caught herself but with that realization came all of the others. A rush of emotion surged through her body and that feeling of wanting to vomit rose within her again. "It's okay… Faith, it's okay," Xander comforted even though his voice was still angry and upset. He turned her around so that she was facing him, which she did very willingly. She grabbed his jacket desperately pulling herself into him burying her face in his chest with only a momentary hesitation. He wrapped his arms around her holding her tightly noticing the blood streaming from both of her hands from their previous activity of punching brick. "It's okay… you did so good," he soothed. She was shaking with anger in his arms and the feeling made him want to just completely break down, but he knew he had to be strong so he just held her while supplying small words of comfort.   
  
She seemed to relax herself finally and she raised her face from his chest to looking up at him. From the redness of her eyes and the small wet droplets on his shirt he could tell she was crying, but now she had been able to refrain herself now appearing more pissed off and angry than upset, which is what she was going for he was sure. She looked into his eyes and he could see her jaw still twitching from anger.   
  
"Sorry," she finally said pulling out of his hold. She wanted to just jump back into his arms as she felt the cold air bite at her as she left his warmth. "I lost my shit for a minute there," she admitted as though no one realized.   
  
"You didn't lose your shit on the cop, that's what matters," he answered honestly. The rest of the gang now walked over.   
  
"You were about to," Buffy said walking over trying to lighten the situation if at all possible. She remembered the first time she saw Faith confronted by an officer, and the way she acted was completely different. With the first, Buffy remembered being frozen with fear and Faith had just laughed it off and flirted with the cop as he held a gun up to both of them. Now she had stood there and put up with garbage she probably wouldn't have taken from anyone a few years ago.  
  
"Nah, I learned that lesson already," Faith answered pulling a cigarette out of the pack from her pocket. "I've killed fucking pricks for less than that," she added angrily as she walked away from the group making it quite clear that she didn't desire to be followed.   
  
"Faith, I have some things in the car for your hands," Giles called to her hoping it would keep her from walking away. She didn't even acknowledge he said anything and continued to just walk out of the parking lot. Robin watched her along with the rest of them as she left but then as she rounded the corner out of sight he glanced over at the brick wall. It was cracked in some of the spots she had hit it but the rough surface clung to the skin on her knuckles proving itself by small splotches of blood focused on the center of her unseen target.   
  
"Am I the only person that wouldn't have minded if that had been that assholes face?" he said looking back at everyone else who had formed a small circle around the area.   
  
"I would've fucking helped her kick his ass!" Kennedy answered fuming with anger.   
  
"Faith would've had no problem killing that guy all by herself," Andrew shot at her defensively.   
  
"Buffy, you always talked about how Faith couldn't control her temper when you talked about her… I'd say that was pretty good control, not that I understand why the hell she didn't just kill that fuck."   
  
"She couldn't afford to have them press her for ID," Willow defended.   
  
"Why the hell not!?" he answered angrily. His anxiety and aggravation that he had been able to control about the situation finally overflowed, "she could've fucking gotten away from them without breaking a sweat."   
  
"She could've…" Buffy answered, "but she wasn't going to leave Xander there, and… there are certain things that… make her kinda zone out. Faith can handle baggage better than anyone when she's fighting, but there are certain things that she can't - and she zones when she hits those." Everyone knew by the tone in Buffy's voice, that she had seen her like that and it forced everyone to realize how close the two of them once had been. "I'm going to go get her," Buffy finally said after looking down the road she had left for a few minutes. "Can you guys just get everything ready to leave… I think we should try and just go once I get her back." Giles nodded at her request and everyone sauntered in different direction, each silently designating themselves a certain job to get ready to leave.   
  
----  
  
Buffy walked down the street she had watched Faith leave down. She moved quickly along the concrete sidewalk with her heels clicking strongly against it echoing her steps as she walked. She walked down the street till she saw a small alley cut off on the right. She walked down it sensing that that was exactly where she'd find Faith. The alley was lit by the reflection of a street lamp off of a car's windshield. Faith sat on a wooden box towards the back of the alley smoking a cigarette leaning her arms on her thighs slouching forward. She looked up as she heard the clicks of Buffy's shoes approaching down the alley.   
  
"You okay?"   
  
"You know me," she answered inhaling her cigarette again.   
  
"Yeah I do, that's why I'm asking," Buffy answered her quickly.   
  
"I'm five by five, B."   
  
"I saw you eyeing his gun, Faith." She smirked sarcastically and answered,   
  
"Yeah, well you know I've got a fetish…"   
  
"I just don't get how you didn't snap - Faith, I've seen you freak on people for a lot less than that."   
  
"Yeah, I just didn't want to set a bad example… you know, for Dawn and Kennedy," she answered sarcastically again.   
  
"You're not having a very good couple of days," Buffy said trying to get a smile out of her.   
  
"B, I'm not having a good fucking decade," she answered exhaling a stream of grey smoke.   
  
"Well, it can only get better," Buffy noted.   
  
"That's what I used to tell myself… things just always find a way to be worse."   
  
"It'll get better," she promised, "it'll get easier too," she added comfortingly showing that she was at least trying to understand what Faith was going through. She hadn't really thought about how Faith had felt getting out of prison since she had just jumped into fighting again as soon as she had gotten out. As Faith had admitted to her once, 'fighting and fucking are definitely good distractions'.   
  
Faith only gave a slight nod in response to Buffy's promises.   
  
"Faith, talk to me," Buffy finally said almost pleadingly.   
  
"Yeah, since I'm so good at that."   
  
"You know, you used to put on a mask around all of us, but at least you would have a face to show, even if it wasn't the real one, you showed something! God, Faith… you're blank…"  
  
"I always tried to tell you I was a boring person," she answered still with that defensive sarcasm dripping off all of her words.   
  
"You scare me when you're like this," Buffy admitted.   
  
"If I'm really freakin' you out you can always just call that cop back and have him put me back… can't scare you then." She said finally letting some of her anger creep out even if it was only in her tone.   
  
"Faith-" Buffy said her voice cracking as she said it, "stop it."   
  
"Whatever," Faith answered exhaling the last bit of her cigarette as she threw it down on the ground.   
  
"You're not going back," Buffy comforted.   
  
"You're right, I'm not fucking going back," Faith answered strongly but still calmly with a hint of her old attitude streaked through her words.   
  
"Hey," Xander said as he appeared walking into the alley.   
  
"God, does everything have to be a fucking family hug with you losers," Faith spat hopping off the box she had been sitting on.   
  
"Sorry," he answered stepping to the side.   
  
"Let's just get gone," Faith said walking past both of them back towards the cars.   
  
---  
  
"We all ready?" Robin asked as Buffy, Faith, and Xander reached the vehicles. Faith had gotten there first, about twenty paces in front of the other two and had just gotten into the passenger seat of the Suburban.   
  
"Yeah," Xander answered as he headed for the drivers seat of the truck.   
  
"We can probably get there in another four or five hours," Giles stated heading for the car. Willow, Kennedy, Dawn, and Andrew followed him and everyone else got into the truck. Xander looked over at Faith as he waited for the big diesel engine to start up. She sat leaning up against the door with her feet planted flatly on the middle seat of the bench with her knees bent up close to her chest. As they drove down the highway Buffy watched Faith from the backseat behind Xander. She watched her finally close her eyes after staring at the upcoming road ahead of them. She saw her fighting off sleep but eventually she gave up and drifted off slightly. She would wakeup after about twenty minutes or so and open her eyes quickly glancing around and then after about two or three minutes she would close them again.   
  
Finally after being on the road for what seemed like forever Giles pulled onto a street that led them to many large intersections and the area began to look more and more like an active city. Xander looked over at Faith and saw that she was asleep again. He then followed Giles onto a smaller street with a dead end sign. It seemed kind of out of place because after going on the busy main street this street had hardly anything built on it with a few closed down stores scattered towards the beginning of it. They reached the end of the street and drove into the hidden driveway of the house at the end of the street. It was a sharp left after you entered the driveway sending you behind a wall and then it rounded into a large, underground garage. They stopped at a grey concrete wall with a door off to the side of it and parked. Everyone piled out of the vehicles and Xander patted Faith's calf as he said softly,   
  
"We're here." She opened her eyes and gave a slight nod. 


	5. Part V

Adjustment – Part V   
  
They all walked through the house curiously. After walking through the door in the garage it led to a small room with three arches in it leading in different directions. One door led to a hallway going to the kitchen with a bathroom on the side through a door off the hallway and after the kitchen was the dining room. Through the middle arch there was a longer hallway with a lot of closets off of the sides. On the other side there was a long staircase which led to three bedrooms and a bathroom. If you continued walking past the stairs there was a large room with a lot of space that would be used as the workout room. Off to the left of that down a short corridor was the living room with a couch and surround sound television unassembled in the corner in boxes. Then at the end of that hallway if you continued straight instead of going into the living room there was a set of five stairs leading down into a small hall with a sliding door across the doorway with a large bathroom off to one side and to the other was a large bedroom. Silently everyone knew Faith had already claimed that room as her own. Through the third arch was a small library area with a large wooden desk and leather couch in the back corner.   
  
"Not bad," Kennedy commented as then finished looking through the house. They were all a little shocked at how nice it was, including Giles.   
  
"No," Giles agreed.   
  
---  
  
They had arrived at around two in the morning at the new place and they all had found their rooms and Buffy, Dawn, and Giles made due with the couches. Faith took the secluded room down the five stairs, Xander had the bedroom all the way down the hall to the left upstairs, Willow and Kennedy took the middle room, and Wood took the room all the way to the right. Although there was nothing that had to be done the next day, all of them found themselves awake before eight o'clock. Xander and Dawn left to get bagels and coffee and Andrew, Giles, Buffy, Kennedy, and Willow waited around the kitchen. Giles left and went to the small office area which was going to be for some of his books and files to make a vague plan of where he might put everything. Wood had walked downstairs and noticing that Faith wasn't in the kitchen he walked past them and down the hall to her small wing.   
  
  
  
He slid the wooden door open and walked into the dark hallway. There was a lamp in the far corner by the door to the bathroom but the light-bulb was about to die so it was extremely dim. He went to the right towards her bedroom door and knocked. There was no answer so he assumed she was asleep and he opened the door with a loud creak. She was lying in the middle of the bed looking out of the large skylight with a black bra and black jeans on with her hair still wet from the shower. She glanced over at him walking into the room but didn't really move. He was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, black boots and a white, ribbed tank top as he approached the bed.   
  
  
  
"Hey," he greeted softly as he reached the end of the bed. She propped herself up on her elbows and looked up at him. He could feel her eyes staring him up and down as he stood there trying to maintain his confidence. "How'd you sleep?" he finally said unable to handle the silence anymore.   
  
---  
  
"We're back," Xander called as he and Dawn walked into the house. He carried a bag of bagels and a tray of coffees in the other and Dawn carried the second tray of coffees. Giles heard them come in and entered from the office. "Breakfast is served," Xander stated proudly as he set the bag down on the counter.   
  
"Yes!" Kennedy said approaching the bag anxiously helping them distribute everything.   
  
"Where's Faith and Robin Hood?" Xander asked sarcastically.   
  
"He went into her room to wake her up a while ago," Andrew said with a raise in his eyebrows as he said 'a while'.   
  
"Hey, I think I figured it out," Willow called from the living room. Xander and Dawn didn't know what she was talking about until music surrounded the house. The Chili Peppers, "Under the Bridge" played confidently through the rooms without being too loud.   
  
"I'll go get them," Xander said.   
  
"I don't-" Buffy began.   
  
"I don't want their coffee to get cold," he answered walking down the hallway without giving Buffy a chance to protest.   
  
---  
  
"Come here," she said sitting up further so she was sitting at the end of the bed with her legs hanging down off of it. He walked up to her so that he stood between her legs. She looked up at him with her eyes looking into him with a strange hunger in them. He could feel her hot breath against his stomach and he immediately felt aroused at the memory of their night together. He looked down at the similar black bra and asked,   
  
"This close enough?" She shook her head in response putting her arms around his neck and drawing him into her. He pushed his hands down onto the bed to keep himself balanced as he stood with his legs pushed against the bed with hers teasing them by being just around them without touching. She pulled him into a fierce kiss not letting him go till he was completely out of breath. She ran one hand along his cheek and the other across the waistband of his jeans. He looked down at her waiting for him and with a final urging from her tugging slightly at the button on his jeans he pushed his hands underneath her hips and pushed her further up the bed. She pulled him down on top of her and he hovered above her as he kissed her with one hand balancing himself above her next to her head while he kept the other under her hip pulling her up to him rhythmically.   
  
Xander knocked for good measure but proceeded into the room without even a momentary hesitation for a response. Xander clenched his jaw in anger as he walked in seeing the two of them on the bed. Faith pushed him away from her and sat up leaning on her arms with obvious frustration in her features.   
  
"What?" she asked angrily. He shook his head in disgust at Wood then said snidely,   
  
"Foods here," in response to Faith's question keeping his tone friendly enough, although incredibly sardonic, to make it sound as though he had just walked into any room to tell someone their breakfast was ready.   
  
"What's your problem?" Wood asked angrily climbing off of the bed. Xander ignored him and turned to leave. He quickly walked up to him and shoved his arm so he would turn and face him.   
  
"Hey!" Faith reprimanded as she saw him grab Xander's arm.   
  
"What the hell is yours?" Xander asked angrily.   
  
"You think you can just barge in here like that? Don't you have any respect?"   
  
"For her," he answered, "obviously something you're lacking." Robin stood defensively, Xander's words hitting a sore nerve.   
  
"If you have something you'd like to say to me, Xander, say it."   
  
"Could you two get a fucking life?" Faith asked in an extremely pissed off tone. She got up off the bed and grabbed a white tank top putting it on as she walked out of the room without either of them. "Do us all a bloody favor."   
  
Faith walked into the kitchen alone, that was the first bad sign, then she grabbed her coffee, which she noticed had 'bitch' scribbled on the top by   
  
Xander for marking purposes, and slid the suburban keys off of the counter. As the other two exited Faith's room and were standing in the dim corridor they could now be heard from the kitchen yelling back and forth.   
  
"Wanna go for a ride, B?" Faith offered ignoring the angry yells.   
  
"Sure," she answered quickly grabbing her coffee and following Faith out of the house. She gave everyone a concerned look and they returned it with a look assuring her they would take care of the problem.   
  
"You know what, fuck you, you don't love her!" Xander yelled in his face.   
  
"How the hell do you know?"   
  
"Whatever," he answered trying to walk away. Robin once again grabbed his arm and Xander added, "you obviously have never really been in love, because if you had, you'd know that's nothing close."  
  
"Oh, so you're Mr. Experience when it comes to love," Wood mocked.   
  
"I loved Anya, and I still love Anya – I know what it feels like to be in love with someone and if you call what's going on between you and Faith love, you're just a moron."   
  
"A moron?" he asked angrily.   
  
"It's a two way thing," he answered, "she doesn't love you – but don't feel bad, she doesn't love anyone, but you gotta get that because you can't go around pretending you're in love when really she doesn't care…"  
  
"Shut up, you don't know what you're talking about and-"  
  
"Whatever," he answered again turning to leave.   
  
"No, I want to know what gives you the right to judge how I feel about her. It has nothing to do with you, and you still think you get to barge in and make it seem like what's going on is wrong."   
  
"It is!"  
  
"Why?"   
  
"Guy's knock it off," Willow said as she approached with the others.   
  
"Why is it fucking wrong?"   
  
"Because you don't fucking care about her!"  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"The only thing you're interested in is getting into her pants!"   
  
"Guys, stop!" Kennedy yelled matching their volume.   
  
"You don't love her!" Xander yelled again ignoring Kennedy and Willow. Kennedy grabbed him and pulled him away from the argument hoping to dissipate the tension.   
  
"I never said I did!" Wood finally defended. Everything seemed to just stop at what he said and for the first time everyone began to see why Xander had been so against this. Kennedy let go of his arm and just stood behind him now struck by thoughts just racing through her head.   
  
"A nice guy like you is just what she fucking needs," Xander answered now in a calm tone knowing he had finally gotten his point across to everyone.   
  
"I also never said I didn't want to," he answered defending himself again. He knew Xander had gotten him to say exactly what he wanted him to say and he felt like he had just been kicked down. "I guess you'd be a lot better for her… you know, a guy who after his girlfriend, who he left at the alter, but remember, he loved her," he mocked speaking more to everyone else rather than directly to Xander, "who was just killed is already looking to 'love' someone new."   
  
The room once again fell into silence as Xander felt the words cut through him. Kennedy looked over at Willow nervously before returning back to Xander.   
  
"I never said anything about me and Faith," Xander clarified holding his voice as steadily as he could.   
  
"But you're such a nice guy," Robin answered condescendingly.   
  
"I have absolutely no interest in delving into that mass of emotional trauma," he stated angrily, "and I never said anything about me and Faith!" he repeated this time screaming again.   
  
"Yeah, but you seem to have everything to say about me and her."   
  
"I don't like seeing my friends with people who I know are going to hurt them," he answered firmly. His tone was strong and clear and left no mistake that he had just ended this conversation.   
  
---  
  
"So…" Buffy finally said after ten minutes of driving without a single word being spoken between either of them. The radio was blasting through the vehicle as they sped down the highway. Buffy leaned forward and turned down the volume so there would be no way Faith could pretend she hadn't heard her. "So…" she repeated.   
  
"What's up, B?" Faith finally answered.   
  
"Now I've gotta ask, what's the deal between you and Wood?"   
  
"There's no deal," she answered with a nonchalant shrug.   
  
"So Xander lost it walking in on you two talking?" she asked sardonically.   
  
"No, see, you should know me better than that, B, if we had been talking there would've definitely been a 'deal', but there isn't, so it was just simply screwing," Faith clarified. "Well, it would've been…" she added admitting when Xander had come in.   
  
"So you two aren't…" Buffy questioned trailing off at the end.   
  
"Together?" Faith asked laughing, "me and together-ness don't really mix, B. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt – I'm done with that crap."   
  
"You need someone," Buffy said definitely crossing that unseen line that she had never even approached before.   
  
"What I need is a good slay, a quick screw, a date with my boy J.D., and I'll be just fine," Faith stated firmly.   
  
"You need someone, Faith. You're lonely and you're-"  
  
"I don't need anyone!" Faith snapped at her. "And besides, who are you to tell me I need someone when you don't have anybody."   
  
"Faith, you have a hell of a lot more baggage then I do, and I do have somebody."   
  
"Oh, well aren't you lucky," Faith answered with a smug grin.   
  
"I'm leaving at the end of the week to fly out to L.A. to see Angel for a little while…" With all kidding aside Faith answered,   
  
"Tell him I said hey." Buffy nodded knowing that Faith cared about Angel a lot, he was someone that Faith admitted to caring about, and that meant a lot coming from her.   
  
---  
  
"Xander?" Willow asked delicately walking into his room. He was sitting on his bed deep in thought. "Are you okay?"   
  
"Are you happy?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Are you happy? Are you happy with Kennedy?"   
  
"I am," Willow answered honestly taking a seat next to him on the bed. He nodded and answered,   
  
"Then I'm okay." She smiled and patted his knee,   
  
"It gets better."   
  
"I just…"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Nevermind…"   
  
"What…" she urged.   
  
"I don't want to upset you-"  
  
"Xander, what?"   
  
"I just don't know how you do it… I know you're not over Tara and you still love her, but how do you… how are you happy with someone else?" Willow felt herself tense slightly at the mention of Tara but she forced herself to relax again.   
  
"It's hard," she admitted. "You care about her, don't you?" she asked confidently.   
  
"No," he answered angrily getting up off of the bed. His reaction took her completely by surprise and she wasn't sure what to do. "Why would you say something like that?"   
  
"I… it's just the way you act around her… it's not bad, Xander, it's really okay," she comforted.   
  
"I don't have a thing for Faith, how the hell can I convince all of you of that?"   
  
"Xander…"   
  
"She's the kind of girl you fall for when you're seventeen and nothing but a mass of hormones, Will, I've outgrown her," he stated firmly. Willow couldn't help but feel bad about just sitting there and letting him dump on someone, who recently had been nothing but heroic and helpful.   
  
"Outgrown, huh?" Faith asked from the doorway. She was leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed looking pensively over at the two of them on the bed. She rolled her eyes in disgust with a smile almost of relief and left the room that she had been planning to come and make peace in. She had a lot that she wanted to say to him – she was sure she wouldn't have been able to say it, but she thought that maybe if she put herself in the situation where she could she just might be able to say some of it. *To hell with that idea* she thought in a now, very pissed off mood.   
  
---  
  
"If that's what you would like to do that's perfectly fine," Giles answered to Robin knowing it would help ease the tension. He nodded,   
  
"Thank you."   
  
"It will be nice having another person helping with the move to the other house."   
  
---  
  
Giles entered the kitchen around noon time to make himself a cup of tea. Willow, Kennedy, Dawn, and Andrew had all just returned from the grocery store and the topic of conversation from their car ride had still remained strong as they unpacked everything. Faith walked into the kitchen and just kept to herself and did her own thing, helping them unpack without asking, just kind of grabbing things here and there and putting them away. Giles smiled at how helpful she was without making it look like she was even doing anything. *Heaven forbid she looks as though she's helping* he thought.   
  
"…seriously, I think that was a big part of getting better at slaying," Kennedy continued.   
  
"But you weren't training at that point, you were changed into a real slayer before you fought them…" Andrew argued.   
  
"You're always training though, especially once you're actually a slayer," Dawn noted, still not taking any particular side.   
  
"Faith, maybe you can help us settle this…" Willow said turning towards her. Faith stood there with a Corona in her hand and a lighter and an unlit cigarette in the other.   
  
"I'm usually the one they call in to instigate a fight," she reminded Willow, "not to settle things."   
  
"No, you can help," Kennedy assured, "it's your area."   
  
"Now I'm scared," Faith joked raising her eyebrows. They laughed and Willow continued,   
  
"What do you think was the most influential experience you had that made you a good slayer?" Faith smirked and asked,   
  
"So I'm a *good* slayer now?" she joked.   
  
"Faith," Giles said in an almost scolding tone. Faith tossed him a confused glance and he answered, "I think we should talk later," in a tone that didn't arouse much attention but got his point across.   
  
"So what was it?" Dawn urged never having had this type of conversation with Buffy.   
  
"It doesn't have to be a specific example or anything…" Andrew stated excitedly.   
  
"Getting your ass kicked," she answered honestly. They all looked at her hazily and Kennedy finally asked,   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"You're not a good slayer until you've had your ass handed to you and you can still get up and fight again…"   
  
"But you're a slayer… no one can beat you."   
  
"That's funny," Faith answered with a laugh. "You obviously haven't really been beaten up."   
  
"Oh come on," Kennedy said confidently, "who is there, especially now, that can really beat up a slayer?"   
  
"A slayer," Faith answered.   
  
"Faith, are you corrupting the children again?" Buffy asked walking into the room.   
  
"Nah, B, just telling them about the time you kicked my face in."   
  
"Oh," she answered with a bit of concern.   
  
"But it made you a better slayer," Kennedy stated questioningly.   
  
"Yeah," Faith answered, "I think so. Mindset's half the battle…"   
  
"So insightful," Buffy teased.   
  
"Hey, you need to know you're the shit to fight well, but you also have to know in the back of your head that there are things that are just going to have fun fucking busting you up… and until you actually meet one of those things and fight it, no matter how many times you tell yourself they're out there, you don't really believe it."  
  
"So you're saying knowing there are things that'll kill you makes you better?" Buffy asked not really grasping her point.   
  
"No, knowing that and still facing off everything life throws at you is what makes you better," Faith answered. There was a brief pause in the room and Giles clearly was taken by what had just been said. It was interesting for him to see two girls, whom he had spent a lot of time training, both have their different perspectives on things, while still having quite similar views.   
  
---  
  
Faith sat comfortably on one of the counters in the kitchen drinking her fourth Corona since lunch. She looked out of one of the windows at the dark sky – she just sat there contently remembering all the nights she just thought about her life in jail staring at the stars in the sky. She had always liked thinking at night, when she could just zone out and blur her eyes as she watched the sky and forget about everything that had happened, but at the same time remember just as much. Even when she was little she remembered leaving reality behind and just watching the sky. She would also sit in her window and watch people walking back and forth – people were so funny if you just watched them.   
  
Xander walked into the kitchen and directly towards the fridge looking up at Faith on the counter smugly.   
  
"Drunk yet?" he asked condescendingly as he grabbed a beer out of the fridge.   
  
"Hey, X-man, you look like you might be outgrowing those jeans there," she said sharply not giving him an inch. Xander immediately caught onto the whole 'outgrown' thing and it definitely bothered him, especially since it had been paired with a comment that attacked his already insecure self-image.   
  
"Yeah, it's okay though – I don't mind being one of those people who grow," he answered walking out of the room and back up the stairs with his beer. Faith rolled her eyes at him and finished off the beer. She sat there again staring out of the window trying to not let herself think about anything.   
  
"Faith," she heard Giles say firmly. She turned her head towards his commanding voice quickly and answered,   
  
"Yeah, what's up?"   
  
"Can I speak with you?" he asked in a way that wasn't very much like a question. She hopped off of the counter and followed him into the study. He sat at the desk chair and she went over to the couch.   
  
"Comfy," she noted raising her eyebrows. Giles ignored her comment and continued,   
  
"I've needed to talk with you since your return, but as can be easily understood, the time for it was never really available."   
  
"What about?" she asked, "am I getting grounded or something?"  
  
"We just need to discus some things, Faith."   
  
"Like what?"   
  
"Well, how are you feeling?"  
  
"I am so not into the whole shrink thing," she said starting to get up.   
  
"Faith, please," he said firmly causing her to sit back down. "I just need to talk over some things about the last couple of years, Faith."  
  
"G, I don't really like going over the past…"  
  
"What you did took a lot," he finally stated. "Admitting to your crimes and serving time was very impressive and you should be proud of yourself."   
  
"I didn't even serve half of it – not so impressive anymore, is it?"   
  
"You left to save Angel… the one person who never lost faith in you. He was the one person who kept you going through that painful time in your life. I can't imagine what it was like for you to come out of prison and have to fight Angelus."   
  
"It was hard," she admitted. "He knew everything that Angel and I had ever talked about, he knew how I felt and how I acted, he looked the same and moved the same, but was completely different. But, I just have to accept the fact that I'm doomed to fighting people I don't really want to win against," she said before she even realized what she was admitting.   
  
"You risked your life to beat Angelus without hurting Angel…" Giles continued knowing she wanted an out after her last comment.   
  
"Well, generally I'm not into shit like that 'cause I see it that I'm more owed then owing, but in certain cases, I can admit that I definitely owe a little."   
  
"Faith, I'm going to ask you again, and this time I want a real answer, how are you really feeling?"   
  
"I don't know," she answered with a shrug. "I know that's not what you meant by a real answer, but it's all I got."   
  
"What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you planning for your life?"   
  
"You trying to write a case study on depression in Slayer's or something?"   
  
"Faith, you have a bloody wall built around yourself and you don't let anyone in. You've been through a lot in the last few months and you just keep going like it's nothing."  
  
"I just gotta keep going and everything is fine…"   
  
"No it's not, Faith. You can't keep running away from your own feelings, eventually they're going to catch up."   
  
"Yeah, like last time, right?" she asked recollecting bits of her past.   
  
"Faith, that's not going to happen again – you've changed… God, you've changed so much, and it's all because you wanted to."   
  
"Not everybody sees it that way," she muttered. Giles didn't respond he just looked at her waiting for her to continue. "What's his problem anyway?"   
  
"Well, like the rest of us, he's going through a lot right now too. He's upset about Anya and it makes him a little illogical. He wants to protect but at the same time he needs to hurt in order to feel faithful."   
  
"Whatever… you just gotta learn how to deal."   
  
"Some might say the same to you," Giles answered.   
  
"Hey, I'm not going around making stupid comments, and shooting people down for no reason-"   
  
"Yes, but that's his way of dealing."  
  
"I just do it differently, everyone deals with things differently."   
  
"Yes, but Faith, you're not dealing at all… that's where the problem lies."   
  
"I've got nothing to deal with – I'm fine," she answered standing up off of the couch.   
  
"Of course you are, Faith," he muttered as she exited the office. She walked through the kitchen grabbing the last beer of the six pack, leaving the empty case in the fridge, and headed for her room. She knew she really wasn't fine – she could feel everything inside of her just triggering everything else and she found herself having to just stop and walk away from things before she could allow herself to just snap. She needed a release – everything was just building since… well since forever, but it was starting to pile up faster now. She smiled as she related it to playing Tetris the videogame and how once you got everything stacked up really high the last few lines before you lose just seem to pile up in no time at all. The last few days, between not being able to slay, dealing with tensions of being back with the Scoobies, having Xander stop her from having a good screw (twice!), and then on top of all of that, having to deal with that asshole cop. She was definitely ready to just explode at this po  
  
int.   
  
She grinned as she walked into her room and saw Robin sitting on her bed. He glanced up quickly at her as she walked in. She walked up to him and he started to get up as she approached but she pushed him back down and she slid her leg over him and sat on his lap facing him. She still held her Corona in her hand and she smiled mischievously at him with her lips only an inch or two away from his.   
  
"What do you think the odds are that he'll be in here again?" she asked as she leaned down to kiss him. He dodged her kiss moving his face to the side and she noticed how he wasn't exactly pleased to have her sitting there either. "What's the matter with you?" she asked immediately defensive. He didn't answer with words or expression so she was left sitting there empty. She felt herself getting angrier by the second knowing now was not the time to be playing mind games with her. She leaned forward to kiss him, this time with her hand cradling his cheek trying to keep him from pulling away. He tried to push away but she held him firmly as she met his lips with hers.   
  
"No," he said as he finally pushed her off of him as he stood up. She caught herself so she was sitting on the bed as he stood up.   
  
"What do you mean, 'no'?" she asked angrily standing up.   
  
"I don't want to do this," he answered clarifying what exactly was meant by the word 'no'.   
  
"Then why the fuck were you in here?" she asked as she grabbed his shirt and threw him back down on the bed. He hit it with a thud that caused his anger to finally start running, which he had tried to avoid since he knew she would just feed off of it.   
  
"Faith," he protested as he grabbed her waist as she climbed on top of him. He felt her take hold of his shoulder and he soon realized that he couldn't even move it with her holding him like that.   
  
"Come on," she comforted kissing him teasingly with soft, quick kisses.   
  
"Faith, knock it off," he demanded trying to push her off with his hand against her hip.   
  
"What the fuck?" she asked holding herself over him, realizing he was definitely not just playing and that he wanted nothing to do with this. He pushed against her trying to get up and she quickly slammed him back down against the bed. He stopped pushing against her but he didn't submit to her either. With all of the emotions inside of her as painful as if they were fire, she clenched her teeth in frustration and with a final shove she got off of him and stood off of the bed grabbing her beer again. He got up slowly never taking his eyes off of her. If she thought she was about to explode before, now she definitely was.   
  
"I guess you're not in the mood to talk," he said angrily standing up off of the bed.   
  
"What the hell do *we* have to talk about?" she asked angrily and frustrated.   
  
"I don't want you anymore," he stated.   
  
"Excuse me?" she asked in disbelief. "Since when was this about what you wanted?"   
  
"You're pissed off," he said trying to keep everything calm despite the fact that he had purposely hit that one completely exposed nerve of loneliness in her. "But, I'm not going to do anything unless you let me care about you, which, knowing you, you'd die before doing that. You won't let me be that person for you, so I'm not just going to be another asshole that uses you."   
  
  
  
"Using *me*?" she asked laughing. "That's funny."   
  
"Faith…" he said comfortingly trying to keep things from elevating.   
  
"Whatever," she answered calmly as though she were completely indifferent about the whole thing but making it quite clear that she was definitely not into the whole comforting thing. He was torn between what to do – he knew he wasn't going to get anywhere talking with her now but bringing it up again later would probably not be an option either. She walked over to the windowsill and picked up a remote control from it and pressed a button turning on a surround sound radio that filled her room. The way it was set up she could also make it play in the hallway and the bathroom too. She tossed the remote back down on the windowsill then lit herself a cigarette. Wood decided he definitely wasn't going to get anywhere with trying to talk with her tonight so he turned begrudgingly and left the room.   
  
---  
  
"I think it would be really good for me," Kennedy explained as she crawled into bed next to Willow.   
  
"I think you're thinking about it too much," Willow answered wrapping her arms around her lovers waist. "I don't want you all bruised up," she said protectively.   
  
"But you heard her, it'll make me better, and I want to be as good as I can be," she continued.   
  
"You're all going to start training again once things settle a little with the whole moving thing… then you'll go up against Buffy for a session, you know?"   
  
"Yeah, but as much as she'll show me new moves and everything, she's not going to really fight me… at least not the same way Faith would."   
  
"I don't think Faith would fight you," Willow stated. "Buffy might for training, but Faith wouldn't."  
  
"Wait, I'm confused… why would Buffy do it and Faith wouldn't?"   
  
"I don't know… it's just that Buffy knows she can stay in control in a fight… Faith's aware of how her temper gets in the way, and she loves you guys, she doesn't want to hurt anybody."   
  
"But that's the thing, Buffy's going to stay in complete control and not give me any more than I can take – but Faith would kick my ass…"   
  
"Buffy would give you a fight," Willow assured. "Honey, I know you really like Faith, and you respect her and everything, but you don't know her – you've seen her in battle against big bads and you've seen the way she fights; that same anger that you see when she's fighting evil, it doesn't really matter who she's fighting… she's-"  
  
"I've heard you guys talk about the way she used to be – but God, give her a break!" she defended with a hint of anger in her tone, "she's changed, you admitted that, and you still say she can't control herself when all she's done lately is keep herself in check, and I must say, better than I've ever seen Buffy be able to."  
  
"I still think you're taking her whole 'it's good to get your ass kicked' thing too seriously. She was probably just-"  
  
"She's right," Kennedy pushed. "And as weird as it sounds, I kinda want to go up against them just to see where I stand, you know?"   
  
"I get it," Willow admitted. "But try not to focus on it too much…"   
  
"Baby, I'm a slayer," she declared, "fighting is my focus…"   
  
---  
  
(The Next Day)  
  
"Buffy, could you go fetch Faith for the meeting?" Giles asked as he sipped at his morning tea. Everyone else had already joined around the kitchen, which was quickly becoming the gathering area.   
  
"Yup," Buffy answered enthusiastically hopping off of the chair and walking towards Faith's room. She slid the wooden door open and could hear the low base music coming from her room. She knocked at the large door,   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Faith, it's me," she answered. She waited a minute for a further response but not getting one she figured she could just go in. She walked in and Faith was sitting on the bed up against the wall with her feet flat on the bed and her knees bent with her arms leaning against her legs. She was still dressed in what she had been wearing yesterday and she didn't look like she had slept at all. "Sleep okay?"   
  
"Nah, not one of those good nights," she answered.   
  
"Well, I see Jack showed up for your date," Buffy noted as she saw the half empty bottle of Jack Daniels on the table.   
  
"The only good man I've ever met," she joked back.   
  
"Yeah, you guys are going long-term now, huh?" Buffy added with a laugh.   
  
"That's right," she answered.   
  
"You feeling okay?" she asked seeing the pinkish tint to Faith's eyes and the darkness that surrounded them.   
  
"Yeah," she answered turning and getting off of the bed. She stumbled slightly as she regained her leg strength, "now I am," she clarified having gotten her balance regained.   
  
"Giles wants you to come into the kitchen – we're having a little meeting thing…"   
  
"Oh goody," Faith mocked, "let's hurry, I don't want to miss a word of all that interesting stuff he likes to talk about!" The two of them laughed as they walked together through the dark hall and then up the few stairs to the contrasting bright hallway leading to the kitchen. Buffy remembered the feeling of walking next to Faith laughing lightheartedly about things – it was a good feeling. Things weren't completely back to the way they had been in the beginning, things had changed and both of them knew a lot more about each other now. Buffy couldn't just walk and pretend Faith was always fine anymore like she claimed to be, she knew she had been up all night drinking and that things had been plaguing her since she had showed up in Sunnydale the first time.   
  
"Alright," Giles began as the two of them approached. "There are some things that we need to discus. I'll start with the Council. They're providing us with a steady flow of income, but I have no control over the amount. In other words, I can't tell that I need twice as much this month as last month; I just receive the same amount, or a different one depending on what they can send. As you can imagine, the uncovering of duplicate copies of the books that were destroyed in Sunnydale is a tedious and expensive process, which must hold priority over everything else for me to be responsibly upholding my position to the Council. What that means is that it would certainly help to keep the house in order if there were a few incomes coming into it."   
  
"So you're saying we need to get jobs," Kennedy asked.   
  
"Not everyone," he continued. "I need Willow to help me with the search for the books, Dawn can help too but she will be returning to school shortly. If no one has a job it will still be okay, but we just won't be able to buy more furniture, have a fully stocked bar," he said looking over at Faith, "we'll be fine but just a little more limited." Giles paused his speech and looked around at everyone. He took another sip of his tea and continued, "Also, since we are going to be the primary training facility in America, there will be occasional people coming in for various programs. The Council is sending someone by the name of Wendy Freck for final training in being a Watcher. She will be Kennedy's watcher under my supervision," he stated. Kennedy's expression changed instantly from indifference to anger,   
  
"Why does she have to be my Watcher?" Kennedy asked. Faith raised her hand and added defending,   
  
"Hey, we all know how well I do with new Watchers – don't give her to me. But why does Kennedy have to deal with one?"  
  
"She's in training, once I see that she's fit as a Watcher she will be sent out to a newly called Slayer elsewhere."   
  
"Is this one going to be evil too?" Buffy asked jokingly. She shot a look over at Faith and she answered,   
  
"Hey! That's soo not funny." Buffy giggled then they both returned back to the seriousness of the meeting.   
  
"About her arrival – we need to welcome her…"  
  
"Yeah, about that," Faith began, "what are we supposed to do, 'hey, how was your flight, welcome to our place, find a couch'?"  
  
"No there's an available bedroom."   
  
"Did I miss one in the mini tour?" Faith asked.   
  
"No, Robin will be staying at the other house for a while until we're done moving into it completely so she'll be staying in his room," Giles answered. Faith couldn't help but laugh at the complete ridiculousness of the situation. Xander tossed a look over to Robin and saw him just sitting in a chair with his eyes down at the ground. "On a different note," Giles began once again, "the three of you will begin your training again today," he said looking at the three Slayers. He amused himself at seeing the different expressions that crossed all three; Kennedy was immediately filled with excitement, Buffy was seemingly unaffected knowing it was her duty, and Faith practically groaned in response. "Is there anything else that anyone has to say?"   
  
"Can the food labeling rule actually be enforced in this house?" Andrew asked tossing a glare in Faith's direction.   
  
"Yeah, can it be extended to beer too?" Xander asked also throwing a look over at the slayer.   
  
"Household disputes can be discussed amongst yourselves," Giles said not wanting to step in the middle. He did however note that it was obvious that Faith had been drinking all night, and so had Xander. He was debating about whether or not to intercede into this ongoing dispute between them, but he was going to try and let them figure it out on their own if it were possible. What he noticed was the most difficult about the situation was that both of them avoided confrontation as well as loved it, making it difficult for any positive negotiations.   
  
"Robin, could I ask you and Andrew to pick up Miss Freck this afternoon from the airport?"   
  
"No problem," he answered confidently.   
  
"We need to leave early because we need to stop at the grocery store again," Andrew added. Robin laughed to conceal his tensions of being in the room and nodded.   
  
"Very well," Giles answered, "girl why don't you change for training, and Willow you can begin setting up the computer in the office, I found that part you needed."   
  
"Okay," she answered hopping off her chair, "Dawny, can you come help me?" she asked before heading towards the office. Dawn nodded and followed her.   
  
"What do you need me to do?" Xander asked, feeling awkward as all of his old Zeppo feeling returned to him.   
  
"Ah, yes," Giles answered, "there are still some things to be unpacked from the truck and I saw one of the panes in the window over there was cracked…"   
  
"Okey doke," Xander answered immediately feeling better that there were some mindless tasks that needed to be done that would make him look as though he were doing things.   
  
"I'll go get the equipment," Giles said leaving the room.   
  
Xander walked out to the truck and started unloading some of the miscellaneous stuff that was still left in the back of it. He managed to organize the majority of it all right in the garage and on the shelves at the sides. He carried in the supplies he would need to fix the window, depending on how bad it was it might only be a temporary one. He went back into the house and into the training room. He saw Buffy and Kennedy standing by Giles and Faith sitting nearby on the floor with her knees drawn to her chest and her arms hugging her legs. They were all listening as he explained what they were going to begin with. Buffy was in spandex pants and a sports bra; Kennedy was wearing loose sweatpants and a tight workout top; and Faith was wearing baggy sweatpants and a fitted white tee-shirt.   
  
"Giles, which window?" Xander asked.   
  
"That one right there," he said pointing to the window in the corner of the room they would be training in.   
  
"Oh," Xander answered knowing just how distracted he was going to be.   
  
"Okay, all of you should be doing endurance training on your own along with some strength training. Kennedy, during these training sessions we touch on those two things but the main focus is on agility and technique." She nodded in understanding and the training begun, which Xander watched contently after seeing that the window repair was minimal and he could fix it practically without looking.   
  
"Alright, to begin Buffy and Faith stand here." Faith pushed herself up and the two stood face to face about three feet apart. "Now I want one at a time for the two of you to do a kick over the others head and alternate keeping it as fast as you can balance with. Understand?" The two answered him by just beginning the exercise. Buffy took the first kick, her foot just barely making it over Faith's head.   
  
"Sorry," she said quickly.   
  
"Yeah, you will be," Faith assured her as she took her kick making sure only to make it as high as Buffy had.   
  
"Both of you, higher," Giles said as he watched them. Kennedy watched anxiously both excited for her turn but also nervous about not being able to even stand next to either of the older slayers. "Okay," he said after about six minutes of them kicking. Both had started to work up a sweat and he added, "okay, now by varying degrees bring the kicks lower so the other has to duck." Faith took his orders and sent a roundhouse kick straight at the level of Buffy's face. She knew she wouldn't expect it so she stopped her foot quickly right before it made it's impact. Stopping the strength that was running through that kick caused her to lose her balance and she stumbled back. Without a word between them Buffy was one hundred percent aware of what Faith had just spared her. Xander had seen it too. He felt a chill go through him as he watched the two of them. Faith took more chances in her technique and left herself more exposed but she sent much more power into each attack so with one kick she would have t  
  
he same effect as Buffy would in three. He found it so strange how you could practically see the anger in Faith start to bubble up from deep within. She was keeping herself completely in control but it was still obvious that there was anger and frustration behind each kick.   
  
"Alright, G, enough of this foreplay shit, can we party here or what?" Faith asked finally stepping back form Buffy and towards him.   
  
"Okay, Faith out, Kennedy step in." She did so and they continued the exercise. Faith sat down not really caring, she was just getting bored with the same kick over and over again and she wanted to fight. Xander looked over at her contently finding himself lost in his gaze. Since it wasn't a conscious stare he couldn't keep himself from feeling good about it. The next thing he knew he heard her ask,   
  
"How's that window coming?" and his response without even thinking was a soft smile. It definitely caught her off guard and Giles noticed the entire exchange.   
  
"Faith, pay attention," he reprimanded. "Okay, stop." He said to Kennedy and Buffy. Kennedy was drenched in sweat but still willing to keep going and Buffy was pretty out of breath. "Okay stretch out," Giles stated, "Buffy show Kennedy…" Buffy went with Kennedy over to the side and went through the stretching routine with her. *Ooo stretching* Xander thought childishly. "Faith you need to keep stretching that hip…" he continued speaking while still thinking. From both a serious car accident earlier in her life and her final battle with Buffy when she jumped from the building she had landed funny on one hip and it had healed but it was always a little stiffer than the other. "Xander, could you give us a hand for a moment?" he finally asked. Xander nodded quickly as if his teenage fantasy had just been answered and walked over to Giles and Faith. "Lie down on your back, Faith," Giles stated. She did so bending her right leg, the bad hip, and waited for Xander. "Okay, now you're going to hold her ankle… yes, like that," he guided as Xander did so. "Push her knee up to her chest but keep her knee bent completely… yes… now after a few moments bring her foot across her chest while keeping her knee right there…"   
  
"Okay," he answered surprised at how comfortable he was. He pushed her knee towards her chest and felt her muscles tighten against it. He stopped and looked to her face for guidance. He could tell it hurt her by her expression.   
  
"Keep pushing," she said softly as she tried to keep breathing through the pain. He pushed down harder and saw her face get tighter and tighter,   
  
"I'll stop," he offered.   
  
"No, don't stop," she said in the same tone, "you can just push it harder." He did as he was told until her knee touched her chest. He was leaning down on top of her as she lay there with her arms flat on the floor struggling to keep her breath. "It's been a while since I stretched," she admitted.   
  
"I see that," he said realizing for the first time the position they were in and how close to her face his was. He smiled and said jokingly, "I'll lend a hand any time, really…"   
  
"I'm sure you would," she said with a grin.   
  
"Yeah, I really think we should work out a scheduled program of stretching…" he kidded. "So now I'm supposed to push your foot over, right?"   
  
"Yeah, if I scream, just ignore me," she answered.   
  
"So you *are* a screamer," he kidded as he pulled her foot across her chest.   
  
"If you do it hard enough," she added. He pushed her foot to her opposite shoulder and her breath caught in her throat. She closed her eyes in pain not even able to make a joke about it. "Okay stop," she said giving into the pain. He looked into her face for that moment when she told him to stop and he knew what she must have been looking down on when she tried to strangle him. "Xander…" she whined since he still hadn't stopped pushing her leg. She looked into his eyes and saw that look – she completely understood the thoughts running through his head. She felt the muscles around her hip begin to contract threatening to cramp sending painful electric pulses through the joint. She didn't do anything to him, which seemed to surprise him as much as her, but she kind of felt like she owed it to him in a weird way. Without it even registering in her brain first she whimpered pleadingly, "please…" in a breathy tone. He seemed to snap out of it immediately releasing his grasp and standing.   
  
She straightened her leg out slowly with it obviously causing pain. Xander just stood over her for a minute looking down at her face as she caught her breath with relief. She finally looked up at him almost questioningly only to see him standing there blankly. And just as he had snapped out of it so quickly, seeing her look up at him that way, innocently and questioning him, he freaked. He felt his body feel as weak and faint as though he had been hyperventilating, but he hadn't, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. The feelings running through him were almost indescribable. He finally broke off his gaze and walked quickly out of the room running his hand through his hair nervously.   
  
"Way to be bi-polar," Faith said sarcastically as she stood. She could feel her hip straining to remain stable – the long workout of high kicks accompanied by the painful stretch caused it to threaten to give out. She was playing it off as a joke in front of everyone but she knew Xander had just tapped into one of those deep roots of anger inside of him. It was an issue she had tried to avoid since her return to Sunnydale, and she still wished she could.   
  
She acted like he hadn't hurt her as she walked out of the room towards the staircase but as all of them observed there was an obvious weakness in her step which was usually so clearly confident and daring. If there was any doubt once she reached the staircase it was cleared up immediately. She took her first step with her left foot making her feel like it wouldn't be a problem and causing her to have too much confidence in using her right foot for the next. She lifted her leg up with all of the strain on her hip to lift it and she immediately threw her foot back down on the same stair and fell over onto the wall in pain. She definitely didn't like this feeling; she could remember her hip feeling just like this after the car accident. Memories of that weren't very pleasant either so she avoided thinking about that too.   
  
Xander slammed his door as hard as he possibly could, actually hoping to break something in the process, as he got to his bedroom. It wasn't very 'him' yet, but within a few days it should look like more than just a bed with a duffle bag thrown next to it. His head was swimming with different thoughts, most of them conflicting with each other causing mini-collisions in his brain. He could barely understand himself as to why he had felt so good around her, and actually quite turned on, when earlier he hadn't wanted anything to do with her. He wanted her, he could admit that – he glanced down at his bulging fly and knew he couldn't deny it, but every time he started to feel that way about her Anya would jump into his head and he was immediately overwhelmed with guilt and anger. He had no control over the switch but to make it more frustrating, he was aware of when it was happening. He knew he took it out on those around, well usually just her but he couldn't stop it – that gross, weighty feeling inside wouldn't go away unless he lashed out, but after he did that's when the guilt set in even more.   
  
  
  
He couldn't believe what had just happened downstairs so he tried not to even think about it. He had blocked out that whole night from his brain, but in that split second when she was in pain and it was because of him he just had the images of that night flashing through his eyes faster than lightning. He was angry, angry at the world, not just any specific person – but in that moment he had hated her. He had been enjoying helping her and smiling and joking with her, it was a nice feeling to have someone you could just playfully banter with and that's when he remembered Anya. Once she entered his mind he got angry at Faith for reminding him of her, *God I'm losing it* he thought, and that's when she asked him to stop. The two things coinciding so closely that it just caused him to lash out physically rather than just verbally.   
  
  
  
He leaned his head down in his hands trying to wipe the frustration away but it refused to work. As much as he wished he could just have stayed angry like that, he couldn't. Hearing her say please to him, hearing her beg like that was exactly what he had wanted but at the same time, once again the emotions colliding at that exact moment, he thought about how many times she had used that exact tone and word in pleading with other men when she was younger. The thought made him sick to his stomach and he felt as though he would just disintegrate in dust right there in a pile in front of her. He rubbed his face again so hard it was almost painful then he heard his door creak open. He spun around to look at the door and he saw her walk in and just stand there still with that same questioning look.   
  
  
  
"You okay?" he muttered.   
  
"Yeah…" she answered nonchalantly, "you should be proud of yourself - it's been a while since a guy's been able to make me limp," she joked.   
  
"Oh yeah, real proud of myself," he answered sardonically.   
  
"Listen, no drama…"   
  
"Faith, you can't just come in here and expect to smile and make everything better!" he snapped at her casualness.   
  
"Hey!" she reprimanded, "either deal and get the hell over it, or don't deal and fucking forget it!" she answered pissed off at his mood swings.   
  
"Don't-" he warned.   
  
"Not to be offensive, Xander, but she's gone, okay? I don't know what you want from me, but what's done is done…"   
  
"Exactly," he answered angrily both of them knowing she had hit the exact nerve and had read that Anya was the beginning of all of this pain.   
  
"What?" she asked confused.   
  
"What's done is done, Faith – what's repentance when everything you've done can't be undone? Everyone you've hurt and killed… they're all gone too, Faith, and that's your problem. Deep down you know, no matter how sorry you are, you can't bring them back and you can't undo the pain you've caused." She forced a small smile across her face and tried to play everything as a joke to make it easier,  
  
"You know, you should really get that whole bi-polar thing looked at," she said turning back towards the door. He watched her walk out, slightly limping and he felt good for shoving it in her face, but again at the same time he wanted to run after her and hold her crying his tears of regretful-ness into her hair. 


	6. Part VI

Adjustment - Part VI  
  
Andrew walked through the hallway between the kitchen and Faith's bedroom with thoughts running through his head at the same speed they had ever since the battle. The things he had seen, the way he felt, what he remembered thinking about at each moment, all of these things were constantly swimming through his head making it hard for him to do more than just think. He reached her door and knocked quietly and after receiving a 'what?' he figured he'd been granted admittance.   
  
"Dinner's ready," he said staying by the doorway standing there with that usual nervousness that enveloped him. That fidgety, anxious way of his still remained but it seemed subdued, depressed… it was hard to place but he was changed – his anxiety was now held more within and he talked less making him seem more calm, but when looked at closely there was that same amount of anxiety, it was just held within. "…and I think Buffy said something about a phone call." He waited momentarily for a response from the slayer but she remained sitting cross-legged on her bed leaning against the wall cradling the bottle of Jack Daniels in her lap and a cigarette in her right hand. "Faith?"   
  
"Don't get all antsy on me, boy, I'll be out in a minute," she answered finally looking up at him and taking another swig of the Jack.   
  
"Okay." With that he left the room and returned quietly to the kitchen, which being dinner time in this house, was quite the bustling central of activity. Faith groaned slightly as she dragged herself off of the bed only her hunger spurring her on.   
  
"Miss Freck," Giles greeted as she descended the staircase. They had all just arrived back not fifteen minutes ago, just in time for dinner, and she had been settling her things in the room Robin had given up. "How are you?"   
  
"I'm quite well, Sir," she answered politely reaching the bottom of the steps. "Would you mind introducing me to the slayers, I'm quite excited." She was a woman, couldn't have been much older than Buffy and just as good at hiding her excitement. She was quite attractive but lacked the sex appeal that most of the other woman she was sharing the house with so clearly had, with light brown hair and green eyes.   
  
"Ah, yes, of course…" he answered turning trying to pick one out of the bustling crowd to introduce her to. "This is Buffy," he said as she approached realizing that the new Watcher-in-training had entered the room.   
  
"Buffy, what a pleasure to meet you," she said shaking her hand.   
  
"Hi," she said taking her hand happily, "it's nice to meet you too."   
  
"Miss Freck, this is Kennedy, she will be the slayer in which I will be supervising you with," Giles continued waving Kennedy over. She walked over and greeted her new watcher. Giles smiled and reached for two plates handing one to her and one for himself.   
  
"Excuse me, Sir," she said, "am I mistaken, or didn't you say there was a third?"   
  
"Ah, yes, Faith," he answered. Giles was feeling slightly uptight by having to deal with his first Watcher student and also to be surrounded by a very proper English woman, he felt the need to not disappoint his own English-ness and he was on top English behavior, as they all teased him for over in the kitchen. Faith appeared walking up the stairs and down the hallway and Giles almost choked on his tea as he saw her with both a cigarette and a bottle of liquor. *Fabulous first impression* he thought. He shot her a look as she approached but she answered it with a very Faith, '…and' look. "This is Faith," he said introducing Miss Freck to her as she approached, hoping the professional tint in his voice would at least make her act alright.   
  
"Faith, it's wonderful to meet you," she greeted holding her hand out to shake hers. Faith simple gave her a nod and a slight smile at the corner of her mouth, "…I've heard a lot about you," she said putting some of those things together as she looked at the slayer.   
  
"Oh yeah?"  
  
"Yes, indeed," Giles said breaking the contact. "Shall we?" he asked Miss Freck gesturing towards the dinner.   
  
"Faith," Buffy said over from the table, "Angel said to give him a call, he wants to talk to you."   
  
"Thanks," Faith answered an actual smile coming across her features.   
  
Xander practically groaned and since he was sitting right next to Buffy it was more than obvious to her his reaction. She nudged him jokingly and he smiled slightly in return, then just continued eating.   
  
"Faith, why don't you come eat something?" Robin urged from the table.   
  
"Yeah, you wish," Xander muttered under his breath. Buffy was the only one who heard his words but everyone else just saw him mutter something. She couldn't help but smile and he received another friendly nudge in his ribs. Faith ignored the whole scene and grabbed the phone off of the counter and walked back to her room.   
  
She dialed Angel's number quickly, knowing it better than any of her own from calling it so many times. Whenever she was given a phone call in prison she had always called him – she convinced herself it was because she cared about him and not just because of the lack of anyone else to call. She sat on the floor leaning against the wall as it rang patiently.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Angel, it's me."   
  
"Faith, how are you?"   
  
"Five by five," she answered in a deep, slightly raspy tone.   
  
"I mean it, Faith," the tone of concern overwhelming his calm demeanor.   
  
"I'm fine, really…"   
  
"You've been drinking."   
  
"Okay, I thought it was scary enough when you could smell people from a block away, now we're talking through states…"   
  
"I can hear it in your voice," he admitted with a slight laugh. "What's wrong?"   
  
"Why do you think something would be wrong?"   
  
"Well where you go trouble always follows," he kidded. She laughed in return and he continued, "Buffy told me about the whole cop thing…"   
  
"Oh yeah, that's was quite the party."   
  
"It's a good thing I wasn't invited then – I don't think I would've kept my cool quite as well as I heard you had."   
  
"Can I get that in writing?" she asked jokingly.   
  
"She also said you and Xander were having a little trouble getting along…"   
  
"I don't play nice with others," she joked.   
  
"Faith, talk to me," he urged. Both fell silent for a long span of time – it wasn't anything too highly unusual. Most of the time Faith would call him from prison needing someone to talk to and then fall silent pretending not to want to talk to him, when it was her that had called in the first place. Finally after a block of about seven minutes of silence,  
  
"He made a good point," she said hesitantly, "doesn't matter what I do, it's not going to fix anything I did…"   
  
"Faith, we've talk about this."   
  
"Yeah… forget it." Angel listened carefully on the other line sitting on his leather couch. He didn't want to miss anything in her tone because he knew that was going to be his best indicator to what she actually meant with the words she was saying.   
  
"You can come out here with Buffy if you need some time…"   
  
"Nah, I'm fine, Angel."   
  
"No you're not."   
  
"Oh, really, what's wrong with me then?"   
  
"You're depressed, you're drinking… a lot, from what I've heard from Buffy you've had a rough few weeks; going back to Sunnydale in the first place had me worried enough… Faith, I just want you to be okay."   
  
"I know," she answered making it clear to him in her tone that she was close to tears. "I'm okay…" she admitted sadly, "I've been worse."   
  
"You can always call me," he coaxed, "you can also always come stay here a while…"   
  
"I've got a lot to deal with here, that needs to be dealt with…"  
  
"I know. And I also know how much it takes to deal with those things – what you're doing takes a lot, Faith, so give yourself a break, okay?"   
  
"Mhm," she answered in agreement.   
  
"Give me a call whenever you want to – and, Faith, don't try to do it alone, okay? It's okay to need someone to help you…"   
  
"I'll talk to you later, Angel," she said still absorbing everything he had just said.   
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye."   
  
She hung up the phone feeling a weight had been lifted as well as placed on her shoulders. She couldn't quite understand it but she decided not to. She couldn't remember ending a conversation with Angel when she didn't feel like this. When she hung up the phone she would always feel better, or more relieved of the stress, but at the same time she felt weighted by all of the things he had given her to think about. It was a strange feeling, but after experiencing it so much, she had decided it was a good feeling, even though it was one of those feelings that you can't really tell.   
  
---  
  
"So, Wendy, how do you like your room?" Xander asked politely.   
  
"It's very nice, thank you. Where is everyone else staying?" She was quite the polite lady, very proper, and quite Giles-like, which everyone decided wasn't all that bad, but she couldn't mask her excitement of the whole thing.   
  
"Xander's in the room all the way to the right and Willow and Kennedy are in the middle room," Buffy answered.   
  
"And everyone else? I didn't see any other bedrooms… are they somewhere else in the house?"   
  
"I'll give you a tour after dinner," Xander offered. She liked him very much, he was a polite young man and seemed willing to help and make her feel comfortable at every opportunity.   
  
"Buffy, Dawn, Mr. Wood, and myself will be staying at the other house, which we'll be moving into this week. Andrew is still undecided, but he might end up staying with Xander or somewhere in the other house."  
  
"And what of Faith?" she asked curiously. She had heard so many things while beginning her studies with the Council surrounding the infamous rouge slayer, Faith. She had always been curious to meet her and get to know her as more than just a daily documentation that she needed to file.   
  
"She has the wing down those stairs," Buffy answered pointing down the hallway. "She likes her alone time," she admitted with a smile.   
  
"Yes, she's quite the social butterfly," Xander mocked equivocally. He received another jab in the ribs for that comment as well.   
  
"Is she always like that?" Wendy asked cautiously glancing down the hall.   
  
"She's had a difficult few days," Giles answered cutting off Xander who was about to answer the question his own way.   
  
"Ah, I see… is there anything I can do to help?"   
  
"She'll warm up," Buffy answered hopefully.   
  
---  
  
"I expect you'll have it done by tomorrow night," Giles said as he brought Wendy her first piece of literature commencing her Watcher training.   
  
"I shall try," she said taking it from him gratefully. She saw that Giles was strict with her, but she knew he had a good soul – and she saw that he adjusted his methods for the people he was dealing with. Seeing Buffy and Faith even in the same room had made that perfectly clear; she was excited to see the two older slayers training – she was fascinated at how he had been able to make two completely different girls both into… well, the two slayers who really saved the world. There was a lot of credit owed to the Slayers, but no one should forget the effort that stood behind the Watcher, even if he wasn't exactly official; how could he be with the situation he was dealing with and the people?   
  
She sighed quietly as she felt the weight of the book in her hands knowing that she better start reading now and not stop until tomorrow night if she wished to even get through the first portion of the book. She brightened as she noticed Faith walking down the hallway towards the kitchen – she was undeniably excited about getting to know everyone, the slayers in particular, and Faith seemed to captivate her interest the most. Xander had been in the kitchen putting all the leftovers from dinner in containers and back into the fridge when Faith walked in tossing the empty bottle of Jack into the garbage can. Wendy watched contently from her chair pretending to be enveloped in her reading of 'Vampyrs' but this interaction was absolutely fascinating to her. Xander fought back the anger and frustration that consumed him as he saw her throw out the liquor bottle. She had been drinking… a lot. He hated how alcohol was a safety blanket for people – he had seen it with his close family and now it was becoming evident here as well.   
  
"So you finally on that diet I've been telling you that you needed?" he asked as he pushed the last of the food into the fridge. She hadn't come back from her room for dinner and now it was getting close to midnight.   
  
"What?"   
  
"The no eating thing… cause you know, you really need to shed a few pounds," he answered sarcastically. He wanted to be mean – yeah, he still couldn't help himself – but at the same time he wanted to see her eat some dinner. He hadn't been around her too much, but he didn't remember her eating… well, in a long time. In fact, he hadn't seen her eat in days.   
  
"Yeah, the bread and water for four years really packed on those pounds," she answered sliding the keys off of the counter.   
  
"Hey, hey, hey, where the hell are you going?" he asked quickly.   
  
"I'm out of smokes," she answered a little taken aback by his concern.   
  
"You're not driving anywhere… you're not walking anywhere," he added further evaluating her state. "You are so not fit for human consumption right now." He watched her features and decided to spell it out for her, "you're drunk."   
  
"If I were drunk I'd have you up against that wall over there," she said motioning over to it with her chin, "with your pants around your ankles… this is not me drunk."   
  
"You're drunk," he concluded again.   
  
"You wish," she answered heading for the door again.   
  
"Faith," Giles said firmly finally stepping in. She barely acknowledged him and just continued in her direct path to the door. Xander jumped between her and the door,   
  
"You're going to get yourself killed."  
  
"No, you are if you don't move real quick," she corrected.   
  
"God," Xander sighed angrily, "you're just like my fucking father!" he moved away from the door heading back towards the kitchen.   
  
"I'm not drunk," she said quickly slipping into a defensive tone as she turned towards him as he walked away.   
  
"Yeah, either was he… ever."   
  
"Whatever – I don't have time to deal with your baggage," she said turning back towards the door.   
  
"Yeah, you've got enough of your own," he spat angrily. She slammed the door behind her a few moments later the diesel engine started up echoing through the entire garage. The sound faded as she drove out of the garage and Xander finally returned back to the kitchen. He picked up the last glass off of the table and threw it into the sink causing it to break noisily against the metal sink.   
  
"Do you need a hand with anything," Wendy asked uncomfortably.   
  
"No," he answered feigning composure.   
  
"Xander, can I speak with you for a moment?" Giles asked from the doorway. He put the dish towel down and followed him back into his office. Wendy sat there returning back to the pages of her book, but not reading them. There was too much racing through her head right now as she was trying to figure everyone out. She stared at the pages blankly for another few minutes then finally closed it carefully and walked up to her room. She opened her suitcase and pulled out her journal and her pen. She sat on her bed and opened to a new page. She began writing about everything that had happened in the past day and all of the new, fascinating people she had met, and would now be living with.   
  
She concluded that Giles was wonderful, he was strict but concise in his expectations and she had nothing but respect for him and his methods, which had clearly trained the two older Slayers to that utmost potential. Both of them had done many renowned things and they were both still alive… that was something in and of itself. Buffy seemed happy and lively, but she could tell that there was more to her than she had learned. She seemed like she got along with Faith well, but seeming as how she hadn't seen the two of them together for very long she couldn't conclude it as such. She always remembered thinking about how there must be so much tension between *two* slayers. There was only supposed to be one living at a time, and two powerful people like that – she expected there to be much tension and competition. She was not naïve to the files she had documented for the council so she knew that there had been quite a bit of tension between the two, but seeing them today and the fact that they were pretty much living together definitely set a new spin on things.   
  
She couldn't help but feel sympathy for Faith, she was aware of some of the things that she had been through and she had snuck through her file on occasion. Her former life, although it was porous, was documented and enough to make her completely understand her errant behavior and habits. She also found it undeniably adorable the way Xander acted around her. He was filled with such irrefutable concern and worry for her, but there was also an immense amount of tension between the two; something she hoped to learn more about.   
  
---  
  
"Get some rest," Giles said ending their conversation.   
  
"I'm just going to wait till she gets back," he stated. "Make sure she gets back," he added with a forced laugh.   
  
"Okay," Giles answered understandingly. Xander exited the office closing the door behind him and went back into the kitchen. He sat there lost in thought for a solid hour before the humming of the diesel resounded through the garage door. He honestly couldn't understand his own emotions and it frustrated him to no end. The garage door finally opened and he glanced over at the clock on the microwave – it was 1:20a.m. Faith walked past the kitchen pretending to not see Xander sitting there.   
  
"This state all out of cigarettes?" Xander asked as she went by. His tone wasn't defensive or imposing, he just sounded like he really wanted to talk. She smiled slightly stopping by the doorway.   
  
"I just drove around for a while," she said leaning against the doorframe.   
  
"Oh, looking for a cop to pull you over," he said sarcastically.   
  
"I wasn't drunk," she defended.   
  
"Yeah, just like you're not drunk still…"   
  
"Whatever…"   
  
"Faith, the real problem is when you start denying it," he stated with his concern overwhelming his tone.   
  
"Stop talking to me like I'm your alcoholic father," she said finally drifting into defensive mode.   
  
"You want to know something – when I was growing up I had to live with his screaming and him hitting my mother… do you have any idea what that was like?"   
  
"Xander, I was the one getting hit, okay?" she said angrily. Her statement stopped him dead in his tracks of his rampage and he just stood there silently with his mouth slightly hanging open from when words were supposed to be coming out of them.   
  
"Who hit you?" he asked his protective nature peaking out of his shy shell.   
  
"I'm not looking to hug and cry, just don't dish your shit at me and expect me to-"  
  
"I'm sorry," he admitted and he wasn't just talking about this conversation.   
  
"I'm not looking for apologies-"  
  
"What are you looking for?" he asked surprising both himself and her.   
  
"I'm not looking for anyone-thing," she corrected quickly the silence being too uncomfortable for her as she continued heading towards her room. He followed quickly behind her determined to not let another conversation been ended with her just leaving.   
  
"You know, they judge intelligence in people not by them making mistakes, but from learning from them; you know like a monkey touching an electric fence, getting zapped and then just keep touching it like something different might happen."  
  
"Would you mind getting to the point before I'm sober…" she asked as she walked into her room.   
  
"Last time you tried to deal with everything alone, look what happened," he said entering the room right behind her.  
  
"I fucked up," she admitted, "it wasn't the first time and it's not the last time… but I'm still here so…"   
  
"Yeah, but the people who got in your way when you fucked up aren't, Faith."   
  
"You really just want to see me flip, don't you?"   
  
"I want you to admit you feel like you're going to," he answered.   
  
"Xander, could you not do this, please?"   
  
"Would you just fucking admit that something's wrong?"   
  
"What isn't wrong? I can't remember when things were right," she admitted with a forced laugh.   
  
"Talk to me."   
  
"You're a lot ballsier than you used to be," she said slightly changing the subject.   
  
"I'm tired of pretending I believe you when you say nothing's wrong."   
  
"Talking about it isn't going to fix anything… like you said, they're dead and nothing's going to change that, or how much I liked doing it, okay? Talking doesn't change anything… so why fucking bother?"   
  
"You didn't like it," Xander said feigning confidence trying to convince both her and himself of the fact. She caught her breath in her throat and tried desperately to control her features. He walked closer to her as he saw tears begin to escape her eyes. He held his hand up to her cheek wiping the tear away and then letting his hand linger comfortingly. She turned her head in his hand till her lips touched it and breathed her hot breath on his fingers. His hand trembled softly as she caressed it delicately by running her lips against it.   
  
He stepped closer to her needing to feel her more and wrapped his other arm around her waist. She pulled him closer by his shirt and met his lips with hers. She kissed him passionately pushing her hips against him as his arm held her tightly against him. He moaned softly as she closed her lips firmly around his lower lip squeezing his arms. He dropped his hands below her hips and before he consciously realized what he was doing he lifted her up strongly and she wrapped her legs around his waist. The feelings rushing through his body were addictive, and they were ones he remembered feeling the other times he had his body pressed against her like this.   
  
  
  
She held his waist with her thighs still moving her hips against him rhythmically as she kissed him passionately. She couldn't remember feeling this good when someone was kissing her – so relieved and content. His lips dropped away from her making her feel lost for a moment before she felt them meet the skin on her neck. He kissed her neck fiercely sending electric waves through her entire body. She sat up straighter in his arms and his lips dropped to her chest as he kissed along the v-neck of her shirt. She cradled his head in her arms lovingly urging him on with occasional kisses on his forehead and the side of his face. When she felt she couldn't take this game much longer before really partying she reached down and pulled her shirt over her head. Xander looked up at her admiringly but when his eyes met hers he froze. He lowered her to the ground and backed up a step,   
  
"I can't."   
  
"What?" she asked momentarily unable to mask her insecurities. "Come on," she encouraged walking back up to him. "I'll be nice," she added jokingly trying to keep her voice from cracking. He shook his head resolutely backing away again. Pain surged through his entire body centered in his stomach as it ached and churned as he couldn't keep his eyes from focusing on the accumulating tears in her eyes.   
  
"You're drunk," he explained trying to vindicate his reasoning to not only her, but himself as well.   
  
"Xander," she said catching her breath and clearly trying to calm herself down before continuing. "It's fine that you-" she stopped, her voice cracking painfully. "Don't lie to me," she finally got out firmly.   
  
"Faith…" She leaned down and picked her shirt up off of the floor turning her back to him as she put it back on. "I'm…"   
  
"It's okay," she coaxed turning back towards him and approaching him again. He began to back away again, "please…" she asked causing him to pause in his step a few tears escaping and actually streaming down her cheek. She began to lose control of her emotions as that all too common feeling of not being wanted - even in the strictly physical sense – overtook her thoughts.   
  
She remembered constantly having that feeling harbored in the pit of her stomach growing up – then she realized the false and temporary relief that sex held. A remedy for pain - sex and slaying; that's all it was for her. Since finding this antidote she had rarely been denied of it and now it was taken from her, and it was worse than usual. She wanted him – she wanted to feel him and have his arms wrapped around her as she slept; something she had never felt before, or at least acknowledged. She cautiously approached him again this time reaching his stiff and tense body. She warily rubbed his shoulder with her hands trying to give him some form of comfort as she reached up and lightly kissed his lips. He didn't move or kiss her back, he just remained standing there rigidly.   
  
  
  
"Hold me?" she asked gently practically begging him with tears threatening to fall and a few strays actually making the long journey down her cheek as she moved towards him to lean against his chest so he could hold her. He stepped away quickly,  
  
"I… I can't," he finally spat using all the air in his lungs. It left him out of breath and almost shaking as he turned away from her and walked quickly out of the room. She stood there shaking with her lungs refusing to fill with an adequate amount of air leaving her to have to gasp for air. The pain streaking through her body was a feeling she hadn't allowed herself to feel for a very long time – it had been years since she had even opened herself up that much to admit to wanting to be held, showing how much she really wanted him and truly needed him; and this was why. The pain was worse than being stabbed (and she knew that factually) and she couldn't stop herself from shaking. She had been hurt before, badly, and she knew she couldn't handle this kind of pain, which is why she was so closed to true emotion.   
  
She bit her lower lip painfully causing blood to start to pool into her mouth trying to keep herself from crying. She repressed the pain by releasing the surplus of anger stored within her as she opened up quite a large can of self-loathing. *Why am I so fucking stupid? God, I never fucking figure it out, do I? No one fucking wants this baggage! What do I have to offer other than some-* she stopped herself from thinking any further and commencing in sauntering aimlessly around her room.   
  
---  
  
He walked as quickly as his legs would carry him out of the small wing in the house. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he entered the kitchen. *Anya, I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry* he repeated constantly in his mind as he paced.   
  
"Xander?" Willow asked with the utmost concern as she turned from the counter. Kennedy was sitting there holding the carton of chocolate ice cream and a spoon, which she had been feeding to Willow before Xander came in. "Are you okay?" He could hardly speak he was so upset. Willow looked up at her lover in a slight panic and she slid off of the counter and headed towards Faith's room having no doubt what this was about. "Xander, what's wrong?"   
  
"I- I-…" he paced around the kitchen going around Willow but barely acknowledging she was there.   
  
"Xander, calm down," she stated firmly.   
  
"Anya…" he muttered longingly, "Anya…" Willow tried to stop his walking but she accomplished little more than slowing it down a bit. "She's gone… she's really gone…"   
  
"Xander, I know it's upsetting, but she's gone and you getting like this doesn't bring her back…"   
  
"She's dead and I'm the scumbag that can't even… I can't even keep myself away from someone else… she's gone, and I'm already… like I was just waiting for her to die…"   
  
"Xander, stop it!"  
  
"I can't… Anya… I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry," he said pacing again.   
  
---  
  
Kennedy entered Faith's room quickly unsure of what to expect. She had been overly confident in knowing that Xander's state was a result of something Faith had done, but now that she reached her door it hit her that she had no idea what. How had she been affected? She walked into the room and her eyes had to search the room to find Faith. Her eyes finally fell upon her sitting on the floor against the wall with her knees bent and her forearms resting on her thighs. She had a cigarette which she was smoking religiously.   
  
"Get the fuck outta here."   
  
"I'm not going anywhere…" Kennedy answered trying to feign the confidence that she was strangely lacking as soon as she was confronted by Faith.   
  
"You think you're new Slayer strength is really going to keep me from kicking your ass?"   
  
"I'm not leaving."   
  
"You think so," Faith said her Boston accent coming out full force as she pushing herself to her feet. Kennedy stepped back a step as she rose, it hardly being a conscious motion.   
  
"I just want to know what's going on…"   
  
"Curiosity killed the fucking cat, Kennedy."   
  
"Okay… you're angry… but that doesn't really mean anything with you because you act angry no matter how you feel…"   
  
"The last person that tried to shrink me didn't really end up so good."   
  
"Faith…" Kennedy said trying to find something to say. She had been confronted with a lot for someone her age but a run in with the rouge slayer who was definitely pissed off and somewhat intoxicated was something she was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to handle – but she also cared a lot about Faith so it kept her from backing down too quickly. "What's wrong?"   
  
"Nothing," she answered unable to even convince herself with the tone it came out in.   
  
"You can tell me…"   
  
"Hey, here's a fucking idea, let's all just let me live the way I want to fucking live, cause guess what, you're 'let's talk' way doesn't do shit for me, so let's all back the fuck off and leave me the fuck alone."  
  
"Faith…" Kennedy said, the word spilling out of her mouth as she stood there in shock that Faith was venting on her like this. She had always been told of her temper and her attitude, and she had always thought she had confronted her with it, but now she could tell for sure that she had previously been no where close. "Your lip… do you want-"  
  
"No – get the fuck out!" Kennedy knew she wasn't going to be able to get anywhere talking to Faith right now so she acquiesced and left the room returning to the kitchen quickly.  
  
---  
  
"I'm okay," Xander finally said leaning against the counter. Willow looked over at Kennedy studying her features for some sort of answer even though she didn't even know what her question was. "I'm gonna go for a drive," Xander said dismissing himself from the kitchen and heading towards the garage.   
  
"Do you want me to come?" Willow offered.   
  
"No," he answered quickly. He left the kitchen and disappeared behind the doors.   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"I don't know – Faith's pretty upset though…" Kennedy answered as the two of them headed back up to their bedroom.   
  
"She's *upset*?" Willow asked a little shocked.   
  
"Well, not outwardly, but in Faith-language, she's pretty upset."   
  
"What's that mean?"   
  
"She was *really* mean," Kennedy explained. "She looked really upset though," Kennedy repeated since it had had such an affect on her.   
  
"I hope she's okay…"   
  
"What was Xander's deal?"  
  
"He was really freaked – he kept talking about Anya…"   
  
"He's freaking."   
  
"I know… he really loved her. I just don't get why he's going to Faith looking for a comfort factor…"   
  
"Baby, he'll be okay."   
  
"I know… but I just know how much that hurts."   
  
"And you know how much easier it was when you had someone," Kennedy explained. "He has feelings for Faith…"   
  
"No," Willow argued quickly. "He doesn't – Faith's not that kind of girl to him, she's the 'do that' girl, not the long-term-"  
  
"Will, he has feelings for her…"   
  
"No he doesn't. He's been through this all before with her and he knows even if he likes her that she just uses people, and-"  
  
"Don't say that," Kennedy reprimanded. "You don't know that… she's changed a lot since-"  
  
"I just don't want him to get hurt…"   
  
"I know you might not get it – but I think there's a lot more to hurt in Faith…"   
  
"He lost-"  
  
"You didn't see her in there, Baby. Xander at least has a way of venting…"  
  
"I don't want to see anyone get hurt," she clarified.   
  
"There's a risk no matter how you look at it," she answered climbing into bed next to her. "I love you."   
  
"I love you too."   
  
---  
  
(Later that morning)   
  
"Faith?" Giles called from her door. Without receiving an answer he proceeded cautiously into the slayers quarters. She remained sitting in the same position Kennedy had found her in hours earlier. "Breakfast is ready."   
  
"I'm not hungry," she answered dryly.   
  
"I said breakfast is ready," Giles stated again more firmly.   
  
"And I said, I'm not hungry," Faith said challengingly.   
  
"Faith, you haven't eaten in days." She shrugged in response and he could see the look of pain in the backdrop of her features. It was always there but it was a little more evident now highlighted by the dark circles around her red, watery eyes, her pale skin, and her somewhat clenched jaw with a puffy lower lip. Her demeanor was also quite off – she sat there never really looking at him but rather off into another world with a hazy, clouded expression.   
  
"Whatever…"   
  
"Why don't you come eat?" he suggested.   
  
"I'm going to get some sleep," she said still being completely out of it.   
  
"Faith, come eat," he said firmly.   
  
"No."   
  
"Faith!" he scolded. She ignored him and got up climbing into bed. "It isn't just a slayer thing," he began calming himself down, knowing that he had already learned that the yelling approach was something she was used to ignoring, "there is a certain adjustment period that you have to go through when you're released from prison…"   
  
"Released?" Faith asked.  
  
"Accustoming yourself from penitentiary life to a regular lifestyle is a difficult transition…."   
  
"I don't know… I think I would have to argue that the other way around is harder." Giles waited before answering her again knowing now that he was dealing with Faith when she was close to being at her most difficult.   
  
"Faith, I-"  
  
"I really just want to get some sleep," Faith said cutting him off. She held her pillow and rested her head on it with her stomach against the bed.   
  
"What happened?" he asked still standing next to the bed looking down on her lip. She opened her eyes begrudgingly in response, "To you lip," he clarified.   
  
"Nothing."   
  
  
  
"Doesn't look like nothing…" he answered able to presume from his observation that it didn't look like it was an impact bruise, but rather from her biting it from the cut marks on it. He let out a soft sigh and exited her room.   
  
---  
  
He walked quickly through the small hallway and up the small flight of stairs and into the kitchen. Everyone had gathered for breakfast early this morning to begin the move to the other house.   
  
"Xander, my office, now." Giles stated somewhat irately. Xander grabbed his coffee off of the counter and everyone watched him carefully as he followed Giles down the hallway and into the office.   
  
"What's up?"   
  
"What the hell happened!?" Xander had never heard Giles use this tone of voice especially when he was talking to him.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"With Faith, what transpired after we talked?"   
  
"How do you know something happened?"   
  
"Answering questions with questions is a surefire way to make it obvious you're avoiding the topic."   
  
"Well… a lot happened… it has nothing to do with slaying though," Xander stated taking a jab at Giles making it evident that he didn't think it had anything to do with him.   
  
"Right you are, but with the state she's in, if there were an apocalypse tomorrow, I'm down one slayer, and I'd like to know why – immediately."   
  
"Is she okay?"   
  
"She didn't seem that way… she's clearly troubled. What transpired?"   
  
"I hurt her, didn't I?"   
  
"Xander, I don't know what happened-"  
  
"Giles-"  
  
"What did you do to her!?"   
  
---  
  
Buffy put her coffee mug down on the table and began to head towards Faith's room.   
  
"Buffy," Kennedy called. She turned in acknowledgement and Kennedy continued, "I don't know how into company she is right now…"   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"Something between her and Xander…" Kennedy said telling what she knew.   
  
"Can't be too bad then…"   
  
"I-" Kennedy cut herself off then continued, "you probably know her best." Buffy nodded and headed towards Faith's room.   
  
"Faith?" she asked as she entered.   
  
"I'm asleep – go away." Buffy smiled and continued over to the bed and sat down next to her. "I swear to god, I'm getting a lock for that door."   
  
"Probably wouldn't be a bad idea," Buffy agreed.   
  
---  
  
"God, Giles, chill," Xander urged. Giles face was red and tense as he paced around his office. "What's with the mini-heart attack?"   
  
"Xander, you may leave," Giles said dismissing him for no other reason than not wanting to continue saying things that might be regretted later.   
  
"Why are you freaking out?"   
  
"You have no idea how much more difficult you've now made things for her and everyone else because of your selfish, immature-"  
  
"I'm leaving," Xander said exiting the office like he had been offered. 


	7. Part VII

Adjustment - Part VII  
  
Wendy sat in a chair in the living room looking at Buffy and Giles in the kitchen. Giles was pacing the floor slowly talking on the phone and Buffy was leaning on the counter watching him. He finally hung up the phone with a nod and began talking to Buffy. She grabbed a glass off of the counter and followed Giles out of the room.   
  
"Wendy, why don't you come give us a hand," Giles called as they walked by the living room. She practically leaped out of her chair and fell in line behind Buffy. They walked down the hall and down the five steps into the dark hallway leading to Faith's bedroom. He didn't knock but proceeded quietly into the room. She seemed to be violently ripped from her sleep as she awoke with a gasp. As she collected herself she saw them out of the corner of her eye and turned to them.   
  
"What do you want?"   
  
"I want you to at least drink something," Giles answered.   
  
"Brought an awful lot of backup just to get me drink something…" she said sitting up and leaning her back against the wall.   
  
"Faith, you really need to eat," Buffy added.   
  
"This from Miss Lowfat Yogurt?"   
  
"Faith, I mean it – you're scaring me…"   
  
"Huge demons, killer vamps, and bad eating habits… you're wicked weird, B."   
  
"You haven't eaten anything in days… the only reason you're not dead yet is probably because you've been drinking beer."   
  
"Faith, a slayer's metabolism is exponentially quicker than that of a normal person, and most people wouldn't be able to stand having not eaten in the duration of time you haven't…" Wendy added.   
  
"Well, I'm fine, Mary Poppins, I'm a big girl," Faith answered obnoxiously.   
  
"Here," Giles said bringing her the glass of water. She took it and placed it directly on the table next to her bed. "Faith, you must drink it…" She shrugged,   
  
"I will."   
  
"Faith, this is serious," Giles said his tone becoming stronger.   
  
"Why?" she asked with a laugh.   
  
"Faith, I talked to Xander about what happened, and-"  
  
"Are you trying to tell me that this is about him? How does that have anything to do with-"  
  
"And Buffy tells me you've been having trouble sleeping, and-"  
  
"Alright, enough!" Faith said finally yelling and pulling herself off of the bed. "What the hell is this?"  
  
"Faith, it's alright that you're having a difficult time right now-"  
  
"Get the fuck out!" Faith yelled being unnerved by the group confrontation. She began to walk towards them and rush of faintness went through her forcing her to grab hold of the wall to keep herself from falling. "Get out," she repeated this time her voice pleading with them as she sunk down along the wall ending up sitting on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest cradling them in her arms and hiding her face behind her knees.   
  
"Out, both of you," Giles commanded. They both left but remained at the door. Wendy stood by the sliding door of the hallway but Buffy leaned against the wall outside of the bedroom door so she could faintly hear what was being said and through the reflection in one of the windows she could see partially what was going on. "Faith," Giles said cautiously approaching her. He kneeled down at her feet, "please, Faith… I know you're hurting."  
  
"I'm fine," she said weakly.   
  
"Take these," Giles said offering her the water and a few pills.   
  
"No way."   
  
"Please…"   
  
"I don't take anything coming from the hands of the Council," she answered looking him dead in the eye. His stomach churned slightly knowing that the Council had hurt this Slayer and caused her much grief, and he once again was an affiliation of them.   
  
"I talked to Angel."   
  
"Goodie for you."   
  
"He's trying to get a ticket to fly in – it's taking a little searching because of the times and the whole sun thing…"   
  
"Why's he coming?"   
  
"He's worried about you, Faith. We all are…"   
  
"I don't get what the big deal is."   
  
"You can't walk," Giles reminded.   
  
"I could if-"  
  
"If you ate something, which you refuse to – you're being self-destructive, Faith, and-"  
  
"Are you on crack?"   
  
"Why are you so bloody difficult!?" Giles blurted.   
  
"I'll take over for you," Xander said walking in with a box of pizza. He put it down on the bed and walked over towards the two of them.   
  
"Alright," Giles said giving him a cautioning look as he rose motioning his hand forward to hand him the glass of water. He looked down at the cloudy water then back up at Giles never once moving his hand to receive it.   
  
"Take those two with you," Xander added with a smile seeing Buffy and Wendy peering in from the doorway. Giles nodded slightly unable to react to this sudden submission to Xander, and headed out of the room bringing Buffy and Wendy with him and sliding the wooden door by the stairs closed behind them. "Hey," Xander said squatting down over her feet tilting his head down to her face.   
  
"Your turn to try and shove food down my throat?"   
  
"More for me," Xander said standing up and opening the box of pizza. "When are you going to unpack?" he asked looking over at the duffle bag thrown at the side of the bed with it's contents messily strewn inside of it.   
  
"When I feel better," she muttered.   
  
"What's wrong with you?" he asked playing along.   
  
"A lot of things," she answered with a weak smile. It wasn't because she didn't want to smile at him, but she was just weak and it showed in her expressions since they were normally so powerful and expressive.   
  
He knew how much damage he must've caused leaving her in such a state that morning. The emotions were something he wasn't in control of right now but he was becoming more aware of them and he knew he would learn to control them if he had a reason to – and Faith would be his reason. As strong as his feelings for Anya reprimanded him for being with her he was also always attracted to go back to her, and he knew that his feelings of Anya would settle and he would be able to develop something with Faith. He knew that she was as complicated as they came, but also just as gorgeous, and he knew, deep inside he knew that if he could win her heart *and* her trust, then he would have more than any man could ever ask for. It was something he was determined to accomplish, and he wanted nothing other than to see her happy.   
  
"Come on, let's find something to watch on t.v.," he suggested sitting down on the bed grabbing the remote. She put one arm at her side and pushed herself to stand but quickly realized she wasn't going to be able to. That's not to say she wasn't stubborn about it – she put both of her hands under her and pushed herself shakily to her feet. She held herself steady against the wall as she watched the room spin around her unsteadily. She ignored it as a bad hangover of some sort and moved to walk over to the bed. Xander quickly went over to her and grabbed her waist as her legs began to crumble underneath her. "Woah there." She caught her breath resting her arms on his shoulders and balancing dependently on him.   
  
He held her firmly around her waist and held her back protectively with one hand. After her own hesitations were subsided by his gentle urges, she rested her head on his chest allowing the dizziness to slow.   
  
"Holding you is nice," he admitted. He felt her grip his shirt with a soft tremble escaping through her body as he realized she was softly sobbing in his arms. He held her tightly never wanting to let her go. "Come on," he said gently noticing how hard it was for her to remain standing. She lain down on the bed and he did the same right beside her. He wrapped his arm around her and she flipped the television on. They were both on their sides facing the screen with Xander behind her and the pizza box between them and the t.v.   
  
---  
  
"What is it?" Buffy asked nervously seeing Giles' expression.   
  
"If she doesn't improve quickly I really don't know what I'm to do," he stated outright. Buffy guided him by his arm out of the room and away from Wendy,   
  
"Way to blow your 'I know everything' impression," she said scoldingly.   
  
"Buffy… I just…"   
  
"You're worried – it's a watcher thing."   
  
"Buffy, there's a lot of things you don't know. This whole situation has me ill at ease."   
  
"Giles, it's going to be fine… I'll go check to see how they're doing."  
  
"Perhaps I should, she might take it better if I were the one to-"  
  
"I wasn't planning on letting them know I was there," Buffy said with a smirk. She walked out of the office and down the hallway towards Faith's room. She entered the hallway sliding the door open as quietly as she could and then peered through the door cautiously. A smile streaked across her face as she looked in on both of them lying on the bed watching television with both having pizza in hand. But then something even more interesting happened – her smile disappeared. She quickly removed herself from the wing in the house and headed back for the neutral grounds of the kitchen feeling a rush of emotions run through her that she wouldn't allow herself to acknowledge as anger. That deep-pitted feeling of disdain branched out throughout her body before she could consciously block it. She knew these feelings – they were in no way emotions that were foreign to her in any way, shape, or form. She knew them and she also knew how she dealt with them, or at least she knew how she had been dealing with them.   
  
  
  
She chided herself for allowing these emotions to cloud her thoughts from everything else she should be concentrating on (on second thought she couldn't really find anything, but she knew, being her, she had to have other things on her mind). Why was she jealous of her? She was a murderer with so many problems and so much baggage, why the hell would she want to be like her? Why would she want to have anything she had? She couldn't answer these questions, which she convinced herself was because they weren't important. But that's where the problem was; she did want to be like her, her way, her personality, her… well, her her, was something that intrigued her beyond belief and she couldn't control it – but she wanted it. At times she admitted that she had basically been seduced into being interested, which was something Faith did with everyone. She didn't necessarily seduce for sex, but she seduced to spark an interest, which soon, as Buffy experienced, became an addiction that couldn't be controlled or   
  
predicted.   
  
That was just the way Faith was.   
  
---  
  
"Whatcha doin'?" Kennedy asked energetically as she appeared in the garage as Robin was loading some things into the Suburban. She saw the bag of weapons tossed at the side door and she lifted it into the passenger seat trying to be as helpful as possible, trying to get on his good side before she burst out with her questions.   
  
"Just getting some stuff together," he answered with a soft smile melting across his features. It was as close to a smile of contentment as one could get when they are as far away from content as possible – it was a more a smile of acceptance, but not voluntary acceptance, but mandatory. Or at least in his mind it was necessary.   
  
"For what?"   
  
"Moving to the other house…"   
  
"Oh yea, you guys were going to do that this week, right?"   
  
"Hopefully we're going to start today."   
  
"Why are you moving?"   
  
"What?" he asked even though he was in no way confused by the question – she was asking what had happened between him and Faith but he needed time to think about it since he hadn't really admitted anything had happened to himself.   
  
"Why are you running away?" she clarified.   
  
"I'm not running away from anything."   
  
"Yeah, anything except for Faith…"   
  
"Kennedy, it's complicated-"  
  
"Anything having to do with her is… but that's not the reason – or at least not entirely."   
  
"She-"  
  
"Whatever you said to her hit a nerve…"   
  
"It had to."   
  
---  
  
"Do you need anything?" Xander asked as she shifted in her sleep. She was lying next to him facing him now about a foot away from him on the bed. She opened her eyes quickly silently chiding herself for falling asleep and shook her head. "Okay," he said pushing himself up.   
  
"Where are you going?" she asked quickly.   
  
"I figured I would go read or make myself useful or something…"   
  
"I might be able to make use of you," she joked looking him up and down playfully. His tension was visible from a mile away but she thought it was funny that he could still be that way two seconds after he had been so comfortable.   
  
"I don't think so," he stated firmly trying to shield his anger and insecurity as he stood.   
  
"Stop it," she reprimanded sitting up. "I was just playing…"   
  
"Whatever," he answered his anger becoming more evident in his tone. He began to walk out of the room then as if it had just hit him he stopped dead in his tracks and turned back towards her. She was still sitting up on the bed helplessly, "Why did you do that?"   
  
"Do what?" she asked unsure of what he was getting at.   
  
"You… I don't know – you explained yourself… you used to just get angry when someone questioned you…" he said trying to explain his shock from her 'I was just playing' explanation. It wasn't a typical 'explanation' but it was as close as one that he had ever received from Faith when she was being questioned about something she had done.   
  
"I don't know," she answered, "I guess I just really don't want you to leave." He stood there looking at her contently for several continuous moments. "It really fucked with my head," she stated cryptically in a pensive state.   
  
"What did?"   
  
"Being locked up for that long…"   
  
"I bet."   
  
"It didn't do good things for me, Xander," she said looking him straight in the eye with such a sadness that he knew he had been the only person she had ever admitted this, or anything of this sort to.   
  
"You seem better," he answered, "a little sanity stuffed in there," he joked. She forced a smile even though she didn't find it at all funny.   
  
"I don't feel any better," she answered eliminating any levity he might have added.   
  
"That's something we're going to have to work on," he answered but in his tone he wasn't implying that that someone was in anyway him, but rather the whole group.   
  
"That's a challenge even B runs away from."   
  
"Give her a chance."   
  
"Listen, I've got no beef, but she didn't take the chance the first time so there's no way she's going to take it this time around when it's harder," she said now trying to bring back the levity with the awkward topic of her past with Buffy.   
  
"Things might be different…" he was being very strange with this conversation not being able to get over his insecurity coming into it and unsure of how to handle Faith when she was actually talking about things, but he tried because he knew he was always there for everyone else when they needed to talk. Why was it so hard when it came to her?   
  
"Nah, I've just gotta except that I'm going to end up dead, alone, or a loser," she stated reverberating her past fears. "I've already got two out of the three, now it's just the easy one, dying – as a slayer that one's pretty easy… oh wait, I don't even really get to be a slayer anymore."   
  
"You're going through a rough time right now…"   
  
"No, you see that's not enough anymore, cause I've been relying on things to just get better for too long now, and they haven't, so I'm done just thinking I'm in a slump because that slump is my fucking life! You know, I always used to tell myself that shit wasn't that bad and there's always someone worse off than you. I've been telling myself that since I had to leave home, since I had my heart broken time after time after fucking time, since I watched some of my best friends die, since I dropped out, since-… Xander, I've been to fucking jail for killing people! It doesn't get much fucking worse…" She finally stopped and concluded to him, "I just can't do alone anymore… it hurts too fucking much. I can't-"   
  
"Faith… you can," he said finally being genuinely comforting.   
  
"Then I just don't want to," she answered with a shrug.   
  
"You realize this is going right with Giles self-destructive theory, right?"   
  
"Xander, I'm so lonely…" she admitted. It took so much for her to admit that, especially to the person she had opened up to in the early hours of that morning only to have him leave her there empty and unable to breathe. She looked into his eyes to see if he had even heard any of what she had told him but his expression left her disappointed and blank. "I guess I should be used to it by now," she said forcing a laugh and smile. It was taking Xander a little longer to absorb everything she was telling him and actually implying and revealing – it was a lot to take. When, if nothing else clicked other than realizing how upset she was and how much she at least needed a reaction, it was really too late.   
  
She felt that same rush of overwhelming pain surge back up through her making her go from feeling like it was a million and one degrees in the room to it being unbearably cold and then back again all within a single second. The room seemed to spin around her at extreme speeds, seeming so fast it was slow. She grabbed her box of cigarettes and lighter off of the bedside table as she got up off the bed and headed towards the door wishing she could walk faster.   
  
"Faith," he offered as he held her arm trying to stop her from leaving.   
  
"Don't touch me," she said in an unsteady voice revealing how close to tears she actually was as she struggled weakly out of his grasp.   
  
"Stop," he said trying to get his arms around her as she continued to struggle away from him. "Faith…" Trying to get a comforting embrace around her was *not* an easy task. "I'll hold you," he offered. His tone was a little too simply out of sympathy for her to digest it.   
  
"Just… don't," she said pulling away from him and continuing out of the room now clearly not just upset but angry as well. To an outside observer it was easy to mistake her anger as being directed at him, but her was mainly focused at herself and how she had been unable to keep herself closed off again.   
  
"Faith," he called after her but knew all too well that it wouldn't be worth anything to go after her. He sat down on the end of her bed and cradled his head in his hands contemplating all that had just happened.   
  
She walked quickly through the hall and up the five small stairs towards the kitchen. She grabbed the keys off of the counter to the truck and headed for the garage. She couldn't help but feel completely humiliated but also just as angry to counteract the emotion.   
  
"You're up and about…" Wendy noted happily making sure to nudge Giles.   
  
"Ah, Faith, how are you feeling?"   
  
"I'm not," she answered as she continued past them. Giles noted her direction and knew she was going to go for a drive. He would have followed her ordinarily, but he knew that Robin had been in there, and a confrontation with him was probably more than enough for her to handle so he headed back for her room to find Xander to try and figure out what was going on now. She opened the door to the garage and much to her chagrin she saw Wood and Kennedy in her way to getting away from the house.   
  
"Hey," Robin said cautiously.   
  
"Where you going?" Kennedy asked as Faith headed for the drivers door to the truck they were loading up.   
  
"Hell."   
  
"Faith," Robin said the concern now audible in his tone. "Would you like us to come with you?"   
  
"To hell?" she asked sarcastically. "I'll be back later," she added starting up the diesel.   
  
"We were packing to move," Robin added.   
  
"Yeah, well I guess you have to deal with being in the same city as me for another night," she said slamming the driver's door shut and shifting into reverse and backing out of the long driveway. She lit a cigarette as quickly as she could once she was on the road heading towards the highway. She finally reached the on-ramp as she lit her third cigarette. As she accelerated quickly on the highway with the powerful engine humming in front of her she stared contently out at the oncoming road. Her eyes began to be blurry and teary with no respect for the fact that she had decided that she wasn't going to do that. She finally pulled onto the shoulder and stared at her reflection in the rearview mirror.   
  
"God, get the fuck over it, Faith," she said to herself setting her jaw and clenching her teeth tightly. Her stomach churned in anxiety and the feeling of panic and loneliness fluttered through her body. She pushed her head back against the seat taking long, slow, deep breaths keeping herself calm. As she ignored her blurry eyes clouding the world around her she tilted her head towards the passenger seat. The bag of weapons was still there that Kennedy had tossed there. She glanced nonchalantly down at it and saw a small dagger on top of the small pile. The pains shot through her stomach and gut once again as she looked down on the shiny metal that she had so many times before used to suck the air from a humans lungs only to then drop them lifelessly back onto the floor. How easy it was… how fragile the human life really is… how good it might feel to just make the pain go away.   
  
The pain was going through her in violent waves rather than the brief flashes it had been going through previously. She sat shaking in the car unable to tell her brain anything but, *no fucking way, Faith – dead, alone, and a loser, and all three had been self inflicted… no way*. She just couldn't understand the way she felt – even when she tried to block it out it still nagged at her. The need to be touched she understood, that one wasn't completely foreign to her and after all, she had been in prison for four years and after her previously lifestyle, that was a long time to quit cold turkey – she had a lot of catching up to do. Why did it need to be his hands around her waist though? She literally craved his touch – her skin was chilled at the thought. It doesn't need to be him, she tried to convince herself. The thought that she needed someone as badly as she felt she did, and that that one person didn't want her even after she had, for some reason she still wasn't sure of, she had told everything   
  
about the way she felt to.   
  
She couldn't handle the idea that he was the only one that would satisfy her. That wasn't her and she wasn't about to let it be. Fuck him, it's not like he even wanted her anyway. She knew the feeling – she wasn't the heartless bitch that everyone had assumed she was; there were reasons for why she didn't allow herself to fall for anyone. She had been hurt too many times and had made an executive decision that her heart was completely off limits and since then she hadn't had much of a problem – why was it revolting now?   
  
*Fuck it* she thought shifting the truck back into gear and getting back on the highway. She didn't care what her heart wanted but she knew what her head needed, and needed now.   
  
---  
  
"What happened?" Giles asked firmly walking into the room. Xander lifted his head and looked him dead in the eye,   
  
"If you're so fucking interested why don't you just tap all the rooms so you won't have to get any of the stories second hand?" He stood up from the bed and walked over to the nearby wall. He looked it up and down and even more to Giles surprise he punched the wall forcefully. He took a deep breath and shook his head pensively.   
  
"Xander-"  
  
"Where'd she go?" he asked the anger dissipating quickly and the concern audibly building.   
  
"She left," he answered with a shrug.   
  
"Great," he answered sardonically running his fingers anxiously through his hair as he exited the room.   
  
---  
  
"Dinner is served," Buffy stated proudly plopping the bags of Chinese takeout onto the counter. Everyone gathered near the kitchen but she noticed Xander remained sitting on the couch and Giles leaned patiently against the doorframe. "Where's Faith?"   
  
"She went out," Kennedy answered.   
  
"Where?"   
  
"Who knows…"   
  
"That girl needs a Lo-jack," Dawn added comically.   
  
"She looked sad," Andrew added quietly.   
  
"About what?" Buffy asked strictly. Her tone brought everyone back to when she was really running things and was asking them who had messed something up. She looked at Kennedy for an answer but only received a chin motioning towards the living room at Xander. Buffy left the food on the counter and walked towards the living room. She stood in the doorway and Xander rose his head up to look at her. "What happened with Faith?"   
  
"Same 'ol," he said nonchalantly. "Things were great, we had a good time and then things were bad, and she left… same as always, just now she leaves instead of making me leave…"   
  
"More than I want to know," Buffy said with a smile continuing with Xander's levity of the situation.   
  
"Nah, we're not…" he explained without having to really explain.   
  
"Oh," she responded, "I just thought you two were…"   
  
"No."   
  
"Oh…" after a few moments silence she added questioningly, "why not?"   
  
"Buffy!" he scolded.   
  
"It's not like you haven't before… was it bad?" she asked mischievously hoping that it might have been to make her feel better.   
  
"No," he answered quickly – even more quickly than he knew he should have but there was no denying that night; it was absolutely amazing and it wasn't just because it was his first.   
  
"So…"   
  
"I don't know," he answered.   
  
"Sure you do… I mean, not that I can really blame you – the whole, 'oh yeah, my girlfriend, she just got out of prison for malicious manslaughter…' thing…"   
  
"It's not really that. I want her to want me because she needs me, not because she just needs some."   
  
"Well…" Buffy answered in a tone revealing that she didn't really think Faith was capable of such a thing.   
  
"And we both have a lot of shit going on in our heads right now…"  
  
"Faith's a little psycho…"   
  
"She's been through a lot," he defended, "and so have I."   
  
"Like what," she asked obnoxiously missing the big picture completely.   
  
"If you honestly thing that Spike was the biggest loss after the fight, you're dead wrong, Buffy," he answered angrily walking out of the room and into the kitchen.   
  
---  
  
  
  
"Can I buy you a drink?"   
  
"Yeah, you can," Faith answered sitting by the bar.   
  
"What do you want?"   
  
"A few things," she kidded with a smile.   
  
"I could probably help you with that," he answered knowing she was talking about more than just a drink.   
  
"Good," she answered. The bar was pretty lively with an upbeat crowd, on the ball bartenders, and a kicking sound system. 'Pour some sugar on me' screamed throughout the large room from the multiple speakers positioned around the perimeter at what sounded like the maximum volume.   
  
"So you think you're up for it?" he asked placing the shot glasses down in front of her.   
  
"Up for what?" she asked playfully swallowing down a shot.   
  
"Some sugar…"   
  
"I might be," she teased.   
  
---  
  
"She back yet?" Kennedy asked Xander as he leaned over a window searching he surrounding streets.   
  
"No," he answered after a slight jump of surprise. "She's not going to be back for a while…"   
  
"She said she's be back soon."   
  
"She won't," he concluded confidently. "I don't know why I'm even bothering to look – we'll be lucky if she's back by tomorrow afternoon." Kennedy glanced over at the clock on the wall and saw it was just about ten o'clock and the sky was just being overtaken by complete darkness except for the shining street lamps.   
  
"Why do you think she'll be that late? Doesn't she usually come in at like two or so?"   
  
"She's out finding herself a place to stay tonight," he answered angrily.   
  
"What do you- oh," she said finally understanding what he meant. "What happened that she would go and…"   
  
"I just know."   
  
"I kinda heard you talking to Buffy before…"   
  
"And?"   
  
"Well you really had two reason for why you weren't with Faith and I think they're two reasons why you really should be with her…"   
  
"Are you for real?"   
  
"Very… first you said you wanted her to just want you and not be in it just for the sex."   
  
"Yeah, which tonight only proves my point."   
  
"You don't know that – obviously she left because she thought you didn't want her."   
  
"Since when are you the expert on Faith?"   
  
"I'm not an expert, I'm just someone who's able to look at her without a biased viewpoint, unlike everyone else around here. And you're other reason was because both of you have a lot on your minds… Faith's got a lot of things she has to come to terms with and deal with and you just lost Anya. Both of you need someone… you don't just get over things like that by sitting by yourself and being miserable; it doesn't work that way."   
  
"Kennedy, I can't say you're wrong – but even if I had completely planned on patching things up when she got back tonight, I don't think I'd be able to knowing what she's doing right now…"   
  
"You don't know for sure that she's-"   
  
"It's how she deals."   
  
"Then you should understand that; and the fact that you're the reason she's out there doing it."   
  
"No, you don't get it-"  
  
"I do – you claim to know for a fact that she's out there fucking some guys brains out just to 'deal' with things, and the things she's dealing with are about you, and whatever you said to her that made her leave you said knowing she would react this way… so it's you're fault what she's doing and-"  
  
"Kennedy… I don't know what you want me to tell you."   
  
"She needs you."   
  
"She needs someone…"   
  
"No one else is going to treat her the way she needs to be treated," Kennedy defended strongly.   
  
"How do you know?"   
  
"'Cause I saw the way you treated Anya." Her words were like a flash of realization and comfort mixed in one electric bolt. He couldn't respond with anything other than a soft smile. "She needs you," Kennedy concluded confidently knowing she had made her point.   
  
---  
  
"That's your car?" Faith asked a little surprised as they walked up to a red Corvette. He answered with a smile and a shake of his keys. He walked over to the passenger side and opened the door up with a look of nothing but ravenous hunger lurking in his eyes. She ignored the ache in her body as she got into the car hoping the pain would soon be subsided. "Usually guys like you are scared to spill sugar in a car like this…"   
  
"Not me," he said leaning across from the driver's seat and before even kissing her he reached for the buttons on her shirt.   
  
---  
  
"I'll wait up with you," Andrew said quietly walking into the living room where Xander was sitting down on the couch again with a bottle of Corona.   
  
"Thanks, but I think I'm just going to go to bed," he answered glancing at his watch that read one o'clock.   
  
"You're not going to wait for her?"   
  
"What's the point?" he asked indifferently rising from the couch and finishing off the last gulp of the beer. Andrew followed him back to the kitchen with a distance and watched him look angrily into the empty bottle before smashing it against the wall. The glass broke and settled across the kitchen floor. "Where the hell are you?" Andrew heard him mutter softly. "I want to hold you!" He turned towards him now and admitted in a slightly drunken tone, "I don't want someone else touching her…"   
  
"She's too good for that."   
  
---  
  
"You taste good," he groaned as he ran his tongue against her neck as he held her pressed up against the leather seats. She stayed silent underneath him as he invaded her body and breathed his liquor scented breath all over her with her head turned to the side staring out of the driver's window of the car. She clenched her teeth not only to keep herself from screaming at this asshole on top of her but to control the pain inside of her. Instead of subsiding as soon as his hands touched her it had been increasing exponentially. The pain was practically blinding and she felt like crying. Her occasional gasp for air from the pain was unfortunately mistaken for complimentary urging to the guy.   
  
---  
  
"I'll clean it up," Andrew offered as Xander began to pick of the pieces of glass.   
  
"I got it," he answered.   
  
"She'll be home soon."   
  
"No she won't," he answered spitefully trying to keep himself from thinking where she was or what she was doing. "I'm going to bed," he said finally giving up on cleaning up the glass and walked up the stairs.   
  
---  
  
"That was downright disappointing," he said as he pulled his tee-shirt back on over his sweaty chest. She sat there silently knowing she was ready to snap in the guys face. "You put on such a good front I actually thought you'd be worth it…"   
  
"Guess you were wrong," she answered finally opening the door and getting out of the car. She fixed her shirt and straightened out her pants and headed back towards where she had parked the truck a few blocks away. She pulled a cigarette out of her pocket and lit it quickly inhaling as deeply as she could. It burned in the bottom of her lungs but she welcomed the distracting pain. Her muscles all felt fatigued as if she had been shaking for hours but she knew she hadn't – it was a very odd feeling.   
  
She concluded that that must have been the worst sex she had had in a long time, it was right up there with no sex at all. She smiled as she thought if he could even masturbate properly. She knew he wasn't going to be great as soon as she saw the car, a sure sign of compensation, but she never expected the horror show he produced.   
  
---  
  
Xander lay awake in his bed staring out the window at the empty black sky. He concluded that he felt as empty as that black sheet of space looked. He then thought about all the planets and stars that were in the galaxy and figured his metaphor really didn't work, but he knew he felt like shit. *Where is she? Why isn't she home yet* he thought as he stared at the digital clock plugged into the wall and stationed on the floor. The minutes passed by too slowly for him to stand as he watched each one individually tick by.   
  
---  
  
She finally reached the truck and climbed into the driver's seat. Being back in the truck offered her a slight comfort from it's familiarity. She started the engine and the digital clock on the dashboard lit up revealing that it was now close to four thirty. Her throat was dry and felt like sandpaper with the taste of sour liquor lingering in it making her feel nauseous. She pulled out of her spot and drove looking for a gas station with a vending machine of some sort. The town passed by quickly and she kept heading down the road onto unknown territory. She searched through the seats and in the dashboard compartment for change able to scare up a dollar from the stray coins and a granola bar that was hiding under the passenger seat. She nibbled at it occasionally scanning the road for anywhere that was open that she could get something to drink.   
  
---  
  
"Did she ever arrive?" Giles asked as he walked into the kitchen to make himself his first cup of tea for the morning. Andrew shook his head silently from his post sitting on the counter in the kitchen. "Should I be worried?"   
  
"I think Xander's worried enough for the both of us," Andrew answered trying to smile. Giles nodded professionally, Wesley's past words lingering in his ears that he became too personally involved with his Slayer's. With a final glance towards the clock reading six o'clock Giles left the kitchen leaving the water to boil on the stove.   
  
---  
  
Finally giving up the search for somewhere to be open where she could get a soda or even some water, Faith found a secluded parking lot and stopped. She cleared off the front seat tossing the weaponry bag into the back – out of sight out of mind – and forced herself to sleep on the front seat. Her head was swimming with emotions and feelings of which she denied access to her conscious because she wouldn't admit that all she wanted was to have Xander's arms wrapped tightly around her as she slept and that she was having trouble sleeping without them.   
  
---  
  
"Is Xander awake yet?" Buffy asked pouring herself a cup of coffee.   
  
"I haven't seen him," Kennedy answered. She poured two cups of coffee and added milk and sugar to Willow's then carried both back up to her room. "I brought you coffee sleepy head," she said as Willow turned towards her with a groan.   
  
"What time is it?"   
  
"It's almost eight."   
  
"You can't be serious…"   
  
"Always," she said sternly. Both broke smiles momentarily and Kennedy couldn't help but laugh. She climbed into bed next to Willow and handed her a cup of coffee. "She's still not back…"   
  
"Really?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm getting kind of worried."   
  
"Don't – it's not completely unlike her."   
  
"I just don't get how Xander can be so indifferent about it, you know?"   
  
"I don't think he's indifferent… he seems to be concerned…"   
  
"But if we got into a fight and then you left, I know I'd be out there looking for you in less than an hour and wouldn't stop till I found you… I wouldn't be content with staying at home and saying, 'oh yea, that Willow, she's out there screwing some other girl…'"   
  
"You better not be!" Willow said with a playful nudge.   
  
"That's what I'm saying… comparatively speaking he doesn't seem to care."   
  
"He deals with things differently… and they're not really together…"   
  
"I talked to him last night."   
  
"And?'   
  
"I think they might be together really soon…"   
  
"What did you say?" she asked curiously.   
  
"Nothing," she teased.   
  
"You're mean," Willow joked sipping at the hot coffee.   
  
"They need each other right now…"   
  
"Maybe." Willow wasn't completely open to the idea of Xander getting into a serious relationship with anyone right now, especially if that someone was Faith; and she really couldn't convince herself that Faith was capable of such a thing. She just didn't want to see him get hurt anymore and she remembered the look on his face when Faith turned on him. That look of pure helplessness and deep down pain of betrayal after she tried to hurt him, not to mention the fact that he had to have Angel save him.   
  
---  
  
Giles, Wendy, Buffy, Dawn, Andrew and Robin all sat scattered between the living room, the kitchen, and the main hall with the same expression across their features. All of them just waiting… unsure of exactly what to expect from any of the others or what would happen, but all too scared to ask what might. Robin glanced over at the clock which now read close to noon and he stood angrily,   
  
"I'm going out to look for her."   
  
"You're not going to find her," Buffy stated.   
  
"Well unlike everyone else here, I'm going to try."   
  
"What's the point?"   
  
"I'm not just going to sit here and-"  
  
"She's not here because she doesn't want to be."   
  
"So what are you all going to do, just sit here and wait for her to come back?"   
  
"What else is there to do?" Dawn asked.   
  
"What if she's in trouble?"   
  
"I doubt Faith's having a problem."   
  
"You never know… she could've been pulled over or something-"  
  
"In which case you won't find her anyway," Buffy concluded.   
  
"I can't believe you!" he finally spat vindictively.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Because you honestly don't care what happens to her – you play like you're friends with her, but through everything, she means nothing to you except someone to compete with."   
  
"When it comes to me and Faith there's no competition," Buffy stated confidently.   
  
"You're right, there's not," he answered. "I can't believe you – when you left after Faith came back-"  
  
"You mean when she stole my station?" Buffy asked angrily.   
  
"No, when we all voted you out," he corrected.   
  
"Enough," Giles interjected.   
  
"She had an entire group out looking for you to make sure you were alright understaffing her mission, probably being part of the reason she almost got killed!"   
  
"I don't have to listen to this like it's my fault," Buffy finally said leaving the room.   
  
"Stop," Giles commanded. "Go and get Kennedy, we'll commence training in ten minutes."   
  
"You're going to make us train when-"  
  
"As Robin pointed out it's pointless to just sit around waiting for something to happen, and you've clearly made you're point that you are indifferent as to what does aspire, so we shall commence training in ten minutes," Giles answered strictly. He tried to mask his disappointment from his tone which he did quite well, but not to the trained ear. He too had to admit to himself that through all that had gone on since close to the beginning, Faith had always watched Buffy's back more so then she had hers, and it disappointed him for it was a quality that couldn't be taught, but one that one had to possess.   
  
Xander still hadn't come out of his room and the clock was ticking steadily past noon. He had hardly closed his eyes all night and when he had his thoughts were still focused on Faith. He thought of possible scenarios of her arrival, but as he continued to think of the possibilities he decided it would be best for him to just stop while they still contained happy endings.   
  
If he resolved nothing else in his thoughts it was the he wanted her to be his and no one else's. The simple thought of someone else touching her made him sick and equally as furious. He wanted to smash in someone's face and then hold her as his forever. He knew he couldn't just tell her that though – if he knew nothing else is was that she would completely freak if he told her something like that, but it was also exactly what she wanted to hear.   
  
She had actually admitted that to him! She told him that she felt alone and that she wanted him to make her not feel that way. Why didn't he jump on that? If he had then he wouldn't be sitting here feeling like shit thinking about her and how much he just wanted to make her feel anything but lonely. As much as he couldn't wait for her to get back, in a way he was also dreading it. She was going to be mad at him and he would have to deal with knowing she had been with someone else and know that it was his fault and she did it completely out of spite. She probably wasn't going to talk to him and definitely not going to let him hold her like he was craving. He wanted her, and he wanted her here and now, right now with him whispering how much he loved holding her in her ear. 


	8. Part VIII

Adjustment - Part 8  
  
Xander heard the vibrations of the diesel engine as he rinsed the conditioner out of his hair. He quickly rinsed himself off and got out drying himself with the towel. He rubbed his hair quickly with the towel giving it a look that pleased him, and one that Faith had previously commented on. He through on a pair of sweats and a white, ribbed tank and headed down the steps calmly.   
  
"Faith," Giles greeted nonchalantly.   
  
"Hey," she muttered quietly barely making eye contact with him.   
  
"There's pizza in the fridge," Andrew offered.   
  
"Thanks," she answered just as quietly trying to get to her bedroom with as little conversation as possible.   
  
"There's Chinese from yesterday too." She nodded slightly and continued towards her room quickly becoming uncomfortable with the crowd forming in the hallway. Kennedy stood in the doorway to the kitchen looking over at Faith; her eyes were red and drained looking and she looked completely out of it. Her clenched teeth were something Kennedy couldn't understand – something had happened and she couldn't figure it out. She looked pissed off and upset but strangely subdued and drained.   
  
"Hey," Kennedy said as Faith walked by her. She barely looked up at her and then all she got was a half nod of acknowledgement. Faith bee lined for her room closing the sliding door behind her. Xander walked down the stairs moments later and glanced up and down the hallway,   
  
"I didn't imagine hearing the car, did I?"   
  
"No, she's in her room," Andrew answered in a relieved tone.   
  
"Thanks," Xander answered sliding a bottle of water off of the counter before heading for the bedroom. He slid the door open and closed it behind him and then knocked on her bedroom door. He didn't hear any response, "Faith?" he called as he pulled the door open and walked in. She was kneeling on the floor going through her duffle bag pulling out clothes to wear. "Faith?"   
  
"Hey," she said submissively looking over at his feet.   
  
"Have fun?" he asked pressingly. She didn't answer so he added, "you must've, it's close to eight…"   
  
"Yeah, a real blast," she finally answered sarcastically standing up with a change of clothes in her hand. Still never looking up at him she added, "I'm going to grab a quick shower." The lack of eye contact now was more out of submission, or so it seemed, rather than the attitude she was fronting towards Giles.   
  
"Look at me," Xander said moving in front of her.   
  
"Xander, don't," she pleaded still holding her eyes downward and trying to walk around him. He grabbed her arm and she immediately shrunk away from the touch, "I need to take a shower…"   
  
"I could fucking smell him on you as soon as I walked into the room, Faith, you're not hiding anything from me."   
  
"Stop," she pleaded again trying to walk past him again. He backed up but stayed between her and the door.   
  
"Feel less alone now, Faith? Huh?" he asked spitefully. He still felt like what he wanted most in the world was just to hold her as tight as he could but as he saw her and the way she was acting – almost ashamed – he felt anger arise within him. "Feel like less of a loser? That's interesting because in my book this makes you more of one…"   
  
"Xander, please…" she begged shaking her head slightly trying to get past him again without looking up at him.   
  
"No! Look at me!" he demanded holding her arms firmly causing her to drop her clothes on the floor. Neither of them really understood why she submitted to him, but she did. She raised her eyes cautiously to his knowing now there was no denying that she was crying.   
  
"I don't get it," he said letting go of her and backing up a step in disgust, "you're one of the strongest fucking people in the world and you let someone do this to you… and what's sick, is you do it because you know it'll hurt later."  
  
"I thought it would make it go away…"   
  
"Oh, so you actually *thought* about it?" he asked condescendingly.   
  
"I need a shower," she repeated trying to change the topic as she collected her clothes off of the floor.   
  
"Yeah, that'll make it all go away," he said again in the same tone. "Do you always do that… shower, I mean, after some quicky with some guy you don't even know. Was that what it was with me?"  
  
"You don't even fucking want me! Why the hell do you give a shit what I do?"   
  
"I'm not the one crying, Faith."   
  
"So you don't even care, do you? You think this is fucking funny!" she concluded through her tears as she dropped her clothes again and grabbed her head in frustration.   
  
"Yeah, not knowing where you were for a day and a half was fucking hysterical!" He looked over at her ignoring his own anger and frustration momentarily; he saw just how upset she was and it was building every moment. "Faith, calm down," he said stepping back towards her. He bent down and helped her pick up her clothes as she fumbled with them trying to get them all in her arm again, now it being much more difficult due to her unsteadiness. She finally stood in frustration and scratched her neck anxiously. He stood up with her clothes in hand: a pair of white, baggy sweat pants, a blue tee-shirt, and a bra and panties. He composed himself and prepared to steady his tone as he handed her the clothes. She took them from him almost cautiously averting her eyes from his again staring down at the clothing.   
  
"Hey," he said putting his hand on her arm, "you okay?"   
  
"You know me…"   
  
"No, I don't," he admitted.   
  
"Yeah, you don't want to either," she answered anger in her tone for the first time masking the tension arising in her throat.   
  
"Why are you doing this?" he asked as she went to walk away.   
  
"Doing what?" she asked defensively.   
  
"I'm trying to be nice and-"   
  
"That was you trying to be nice?" she asked viciously.   
  
"How do you expect me to fucking be, Faith? You just got back after fucking who the hell knows who, and-"  
  
"Don't worry, you didn't miss much," she cut him off spitefully.   
  
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"   
  
"Apparently, I'm disappointing," she spat. Her vicious tone and expression couldn't fool him – he knew that was probably one of the main reasons she was so upset. It went without say that she was obviously upset.   
  
"What?" he asked his tone suddenly shifting from the previous argumentative one to a questioning and defending tone.   
  
"Turns out I'm disappointing and unimpressive at just about everything now a days," she said adding in Robin's comment about their time together.   
  
"Stop it," he scolded.   
  
"What? You didn't even want a second run, maybe it's time for me to take a hint."   
  
"Hey," he said strongly holding her arms with his hands. He could feel her shaking and could see her clenching her jaw to keep herself from getting too visibly upset.   
  
"Guess I can't do anything right anymore, huh?" she said finally admitting her insecurity.   
  
"Anymore?" he asked sarcastically. She was amazed – he knew exactly when she couldn't take anymore in a fight and he knew exactly how to make it end, and on a good note at that! He waited a moment for her response and then broke into a grin. He leaned over and kissed her jaw knowing where she was holding most of her tension. She softened immediately from his caress,   
  
"You really like seeing me cry, don't you?"   
  
"Not something you see everyday," he answered as he softly wiped the tears from her cheek.  
  
"Good."   
  
---  
  
"Everyone looks a little bit more alive," Buffy noted as she walked into the kitchen.   
  
"Faith's home," Andrew answered happily.   
  
"Oh." Buffy responded barely consciously.   
  
"Buffy," Giles called firmly. She turned towards him in the doorway, "Angel's on the line," he said holding out the phone towards her, "and I need to speak with you once you're finished."   
  
"Okay," she said taking the phone from him and walking towards the garage with it.   
  
"Dead boy?" Xander asked as he walked into the room and Buffy walked out with the phone pressed up to her ear not wanting to miss a single beat – even though there really wasn't any heartbeat to hear…   
  
"Yup," Kennedy answered with a laugh.   
  
"I guess we all have our weaknesses," Willow added with a grin towards Kennedy.   
  
"How's Faith?" Robin asked.   
  
"Now she's okay…"   
  
"Xand-man made it all better," Kennedy teased.   
  
"Where is she now?" Giles asked.   
  
"In the shower."   
  
"Ooo," Kennedy teased again. Xander flashed her a look and she stopped but still held the same wide grin across her face. Giles smiled seeing how much levity had been added to the group and he could tell Kennedy was immediately put into a better mood knowing Faith was back safely – it was quite cute. He couldn't help but wonder whether it was strictly personality or whether there was some sort of Slayer connection. He smiled at the thought of a study since he was the first man alive to have dealt with two slayers, and now three.   
  
---  
  
"When's your flight?" Buffy asked trying to conceal her anger.   
  
"I know it overlaps, but I need to fly in and see her… I can't really get a good feel over the phone."   
  
"She's fine…"   
  
"Buffy, she disappeared for a day and a half… I won't be gone long – the ticket flies me in Monday night and I leave before the sun comes up on Wednesday. I'll only be missing like two days."  
  
"I just can't believe I'm going to fly in to L.A., see you for half a day and then have to wait around for you for three days while you play babysitter for Faith!"   
  
"I'm not babysitting anyone, Buffy – I'm checking in on a close friend of mine-"   
  
"Oh so you two are 'close' now?"   
  
"Don't be a child!" he scolded. "I'm going to make sure she's doing alright because I'm aware of how difficult a time she's going through right now."   
  
"Are you saying that I'm not aware?"   
  
"No, but what I am saying is that you're being a little selfish…"   
  
"Oh, so now I'm selfish."   
  
"I don't want to get into this over the phone."  
  
"Well we could argue in person but you're going to be leaving the minute I get there to come see Faith!"   
  
"Good night, Buffy," he said sternly.   
  
"Night," she said with a huff.   
  
---  
  
"Hey," Faith greeted as she walking into the living room. Robin, Andrew, Dawn, Kennedy, Willow, Wendy, and Xander were all sitting scattered around the room watching the television. Robin shared the couch with a cuddling Kennedy and Willow, and Dawn and Andrew sat on the floor, and Wendy and Xander sat in chairs they had pulled in from the kitchen. "What are you guys watching?"   
  
"Wrong Turn," Andrew answered, "it's awesome!"   
  
"It's really scary," Dawn added before jumping slightly at the next scene. Faith smiled and joined them on the floor.   
  
"It's absolutely frightful," Wendy agreed.   
  
"Nothing like a good horror flick," Faith answered.   
  
"You can sit here, I'll grab another chair," Xander offered.   
  
"I'm good," she assured him.   
  
---  
  
"You wanted to speak to me?" Buffy asked quietly as she entered Giles' office.   
  
"You're finished speaking with Angel already?"   
  
"Yup."   
  
"Is everything alright?"   
  
"Why would you think something is wrong?"   
  
"You're not due to hang up for another three hours… did you two have an argument?"   
  
"A little ity bity one," she admitted pinching her two fingers together to show him how small of an argument it was.   
  
"About what, may I ask."   
  
"Faith."   
  
"Oh," Giles answered nodding his head in agreement. "What of Faith?"   
  
"He's all worried about her and when I'm flying out there to spend time with him he's flying back here to see her."   
  
"He doesn't really have much flexibility with the flights he gets because of his limitations with-"   
  
"Sun… I get it. It still doesn't make me feel any better."   
  
"He only began taking care of her when you asked him to all those years ago…"   
  
"They were pretty buddy-buddy before that… well, at least I thought they were."   
  
"Buffy, stop being a high school cheerleader and be the mature leader you have become – you saved the world and you're honestly going to get upset over a petty thing like you're significant other, shall we call him, going to see another girl whom you know he has no sexual interest in."  
  
"But he likes her," she whined childishly. She realized he was right and took a deep breath, "I'm better now."   
  
"Thank goodness," Giles answered, "I thought we'd lost you there for a moment."   
  
"You'll watch them, right?" she asked squeezing in her last ounce of immaturity into the conversation.   
  
"I think Xander will be watch-dog enough," Giles answered with a laugh. "Get some rest, it's getting late," he added looking at his watch. Buffy nodded and with a smile exited the room closing the door behind her.   
  
---  
  
The movie came to a close almost simultaneously with Buffy's entrance into the living room.   
  
"Hit the lights," Dawn asked from a corner of the room where she was nestled for security. Buffy turned on the lights as the credits ran through.   
  
"Woah," Kennedy commented.   
  
"That was wicked intense," Faith agreed.   
  
"Tell me about it," Robin added. The group continued a small talk about the movie trying to catch their breath after the adrenaline pumping movie.   
  
"She got to use a cross bow and everything, B, you should've watched with us…" Faith said turning towards her.   
  
"Yeah, maybe tomorrow…" Buffy answered knowing she was flying out to L.A. the next day, "I'm going to get some rest; I'll see you guys in the morning." With that she left the living room and went to bed for the night.   
  
"I can't go to bed right away," Andrew said firmly as everyone began to get up and go to bed.   
  
"We'll play some cards," Faith offered seeing a deck on the counter.   
  
"I'm going to bed," Xander said, "I didn't really sleep well last night," he added with a quick glance towards Faith. She returned it with a sheepish grin and he turned and walked up the stairs. Everyone went to bed in various areas of the house except for Andrew, Kennedy, and Faith who remained in the living room playing a game of cards.   
  
"So what game do you want to play?" Andrew asked excitedly.   
  
"Whatever," Kennedy answered.   
  
"Asshole," Faith said shuffling the cards.   
  
"What?" Kennedy asked quickly.   
  
"Asshole, I'll teach you guys," she said with a grin.   
  
"You just like the name," Kennedy teased.   
  
"Damn straight." The three played happily for another hour until Andrew could hardly keep his eyes open.   
  
"Let's call it a night," Kennedy suggested. The other two agreed and Andrew was probably sleeping on the couch before they even reached the doorway to the room. Both walked into the kitchen and Faith poured herself a glass of water. "Night," she said and then walked up the steps. Faith drank the glass of water finally completely ridding her throat of that gross, dry feeling it had had for the majority of the day. She walked back towards her room but before she was even halfway through the kitchen, the thought of spending the night alone couldn't have been worse. She turned and headed back for the staircase.   
  
Kennedy exited the bathroom after brushing her teeth and washing her face and she quickly pulled back around the corner as she saw Faith walking up the steps. She couldn't help but smile giddily to herself. She waited in the corner until the door to Xander's room clicked shut behind her and then she headed back towards her own room. She opened the door and looked over at Willow who was contently reading on the bed with the lamp on next to her. She walked over the bed and slid in next to her kissing her neck lovingly before sliding comfortably next to her and closing her eyes. Willow smiled happily and finally closed her book and shut off the lamp.   
  
---  
  
Faith walked quietly into his bedroom the room consumed in darkness. She could hear him breathing rhythmically and could make out the subtle rise and fall of his chest through the darkness. She walked slowly towards the bed a sharp feeling of anxiety rising within her chest. She coaxed it down with thoughts of how nice it would be to have his arms around her so she finally reached the bedside. Slowly she climbed into bed next to him her body meeting his as quickly as possible as if by magnetic force. He was sleeping on his back and she reached his side pressed up against it leaning on her side and resting her head on his chest. He groaned slightly as he awoke and quickly realized what was going on.   
  
"Hey," he said in a sleepy voice.   
  
"Hey," she answered happily lifting her head off his chest and propping herself up on her arm so she could look down into his face. Her other hand stayed on his bare chest as she looked down into his honest and telling eyes. "Is this okay?" she asked cautiously. He looked contently into her eyes for a few moments then lifted his hand to hers on his chest pulling it towards his face and then kissing her hand tenderly maintaining eye contact with her. The feeling of being caressed and looked at, at the same time was something she'd never experienced before. It made his small kiss on her hand seem like such a passionate touch that meant so much. As he released her hand she brought it to the side of his face holding his cheek lovingly before lowering herself down to him and meeting his lips with hers. She kissed him softly and cautiously not wanting anything to backfire since being next to him just felt so good but it seemed every time they were together it would go just too far for him to handle and he'd freak. She knew it was okay when she felt his hands find her waist and pull her closer. She inhaled quickly from the absolute pleasure that surged through her body as he touched her waist.   
  
He pulled her firmly down on top of him kissing her lovingly but not in any way wildly. It was strangely subdued for how passionately each one of them felt – each cautious not to upset anything because each of them wanted it so bad but knew how easily the other could be upset. Xander couldn't remember the last time he had felt so good but still needing more. He kissed her again while his hands found the bottom of her shirt. He lifted his hands under her shirt holding her waist without the fabric between his hands and her soft skin. She whimpered as he closed his hands around her pulling her into him ending the kiss. He felt her hips rocking slightly against him and even though he knew it was hardly conscious on her part, he definitely *responded*.   
  
She was lying on top of him pressed against him with only her head lifted above him her lips just barely parted from his as she calmed her breathing. She couldn't understand how he could get her so wound up in such a short amount of time and without doing anything except kiss her and touch her waist.   
  
"You okay?" he asked.   
  
"Now I am," she answered with a smile. She slid down his body slightly till her lips reached his neck where she kissed him appreciatively. He squeezed her waist slightly as he rubbed his hands up and down her side slightly.   
  
"Faith," he mumbled as he felt himself getting a little too excited to remain as calm as he had been. "I don't want to-" he trailed off in his words as he felt her lightly tease the skin on his neck. He wanted her, there would be no doubt of that, but not so soon and not after what had just happened. Like he had said and would defend strongly, he didn't want it to just be sex, he wanted her to know it was because of more than that and that she was worth more than just that.   
  
"I know," she answered lifting her face from his neck. She kissed his lips gently before sliding off of him and settling in right next to him. She smiled at him and then looked down at his now very obvious erection through his sweatpants returning her gaze to him, "sorry," she said apologetically. He laughed slightly before turning towards her and wrapping his arms around her. He ran his fingers down the side of her face and she nestled it comfortably onto his chest a feeling of security that she hadn't felt for as long as she could remember overcoming her conscious. She closed her eyes confidently feeling the rise and fall of his chest as a comforting feeling coaxing her into sleep.   
  
---  
  
Xander's eyes opened slowly and lazily began to focus on the world around him. His body intently listened and felt for the sounds of Faith's rhythmic breathing as she lay against him. He looked down on her contently – he knew he felt good looking down at her and all night long he felt nothing but the positive, but there was that constant nagging in the back of his brain about it all. As before he decided it would have to be pushed aside and dealt with at a later time. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes gently closed with the rise and fall of her chest even and strong.   
  
He couldn't believe how gorgeous she was or the way it felt to be right next to her all night – a smile spread across his face as he pondered whether or not anyone had ever experienced that with her before. He shrugged it off convinced it was unlikely he was the first but he was happy none the less. As much as he would have liked to kiss her some more this morning he slid quietly off of the bed doing his best not to disturb her – it was no easy task with her light sleeping habits. He couldn't bring himself to disturb the absolute beauty that surrounded her as she slept. He managed and with one last caring glance down at her he exited the bedroom.   
  
His world felt somehow lighter and maybe even a little bit brighter as he walked towards the garage with the keys to the truck. His mind was a sea of conflicting emotions and thoughts – the shores of his thoughts were both wild and calmed; his emotions both content and incensed. The sight of watching Faith sleep in his arms both provoked and ceased his feelings on Anya. The feeling of her breathing and the vague smell of sweet shampoo both curbed and intoxicated him. If he was sure of nothing else, it was that he was confused and full of questions.   
  
---  
  
The comforting warmth that had surrounded her for the entirety of the night dissipated slowly from his parting from her side and it became evident to her conscious as the inevitable reality sunk in. She stretched her arm out towards the direction he had been for the slight chance that it might come into contact with his warm skin but as she had already expected, it didn't. She opened her eyes finally towards the side of the bed he had slept as if by some chance he might still be there just out of her grasp. Seeing his absence and the long since settled chill on the sheets overwhelmed her with emotions that she had known all too well previously.   
  
Barley consciously she clenched her jaw to deny any emotion of discontent to herself as her breath caught painfully in her throat. This was the bullshit she didn't care about, Miss indifferent to this shit, who the fuck cared? Her lifetime slogans of indifference repeated incessantly in her brain to calm the wave of distressing emotion that quickly grabbed her by the core and squeezed unmercifully. Because of her past experiences and defenses such a simple occurrence sent her into a complete state of denial of emotions and defense at the pain she was sure would follow.   
  
---  
  
"Morning," Xander greeted happily as he entered the kitchen from the garage with grocery bags in hand.   
  
"It's eight in the morning, Xander, not really when I expected you to go food shopping," Buffy noted.   
  
"I didn't do a full shopping, I just got some breakfast sandwiches… here," he said laying them out on the counter.   
  
"Someone's chipper," Kennedy teased with a smile. He shot her a confused glance unsure of what she knew but then shrugged it off knowing he was in too good of a mood to really care.   
  
"So what time is Angel flying in tonight?" Willow asked. Well, there went Xander's good mood…   
  
"Angel's coming?" he asked trying to cover his displeasure. Willow nodded in response and he continued hoping it couldn't be true, "isn't Buffy flying to L.A. today?"   
  
"Yes," Buffy said angrily.   
  
"Oh," Xander said realizing the tension of the subject. Kennedy couldn't help but smirk at the childishness Buffy was fronting especially when she laid it in comparison with Ms. Perfect Leader Buffy.   
  
"What are you laughing about?" Buffy snapped viciously.   
  
"Woah," Kennedy said still laughing at her.   
  
"You know your attitude is really uncalled for," Buffy spat.   
  
"Mine is?" Kennedy asked. Buffy felt the fury rise within her – no one had ever really stood up to her in situations like this… except for Faith – that's why it really bothered her, but she couldn't even admit as much to herself let alone anyone else through her expressions.   
  
"Who do you think you are?"   
  
"A Slayer, just like you," Kennedy said bluntly.   
  
"Both of you," Giles interceded. Both blatantly ignored him and continued with their bickering. Xander watched on nervously unsure of who to side with: Buffy had been his friend since before *everything* but he couldn't really agree with the way she was acting so he remained silent scanning the room for everyone else's reactions.   
  
Faith walked into the kitchen but remained at the doorway leaning against it also watching the scene she had just walked into. She had a very familiar feeling of emptiness and unhappiness but always in the past she had expected the feeling – now she was angry with herself since she had been stupid enough to expect anything to be different. And Faith being angry, and even worse being angry with herself meant she was going to be quite a handful of attitude to deal with.   
  
"We are *not* equal," Buffy answered furiously.   
  
"She's right, you're not," Faith said finally stepping into the argument remaining at her nonchalant post against the doorframe.   
  
"Oh, and you two are?" Kennedy asked unsure of who's side Faith was actually taking.   
  
"Nope. Never were, never will be… get used to it kid," Faith answered in a tone that made it clear that she was making a jab at Buffy and their past together and some of the issues that Faith knew she hadn't been wrong about. She had done a lot of uncool shit in her time in Sunnydale, but she was the first to admit that now; but she was not going to just let the things Buffy did slide.   
  
"That's bullshit," Kennedy said angrily towards Giles as if he could just fix the hierarchy of the whole thing right there on the spot.   
  
"Bust your ass as hard as you want," Faith added, "it's not going to change anything…" With that she walked into the kitchen and picked up her coffee off of the counter and exited back towards her room. The entire crowd had been too busy in the argument that had been going on when Faith entered that no one had noticed that she hadn't come from the direction of her room but rather the upstairs rooms.   
  
The crowd in the kitchen was surprised that Faith had come out and said that, it was long past due that someone said it to Buffy, but then they all realized Faith was definitely still Faith in there, and speaking her mind on things like that was in no way farfetched. Xander noticed that she had also had her mean streak shining when she came down and added to the conversation – the things she was saying were definitely deeper than any of them could understand except for the two of them. The sudden admittance of her meanness concerned him slightly – why was it that he was in such an incredible mood this morning and she had woken up feeling defensive and malicious. The things she had said to Buffy weren't in any way uncalled for but it was definitely a shift from the way she had been acting.   
  
Wendy watched everything that occurred meticulously also keeping a close watch as to how Giles reacted. Buffy stood rigidly in the same spot as Faith simply walked out of the room. She had never seen such an interesting group of people – each of them were so similar but with such different defense mechanisms it was hard to draw any correlations at all between them.   
  
"Looks like you two need to talk," Robin said with a slight raise of his eyebrows in surprise.   
  
"We never talk," Buffy stated firmly both defiantly and admitting the problem. Xander understood where Buffy was coming from and knew that the situation had definitely declined in it's animosity so he turned away and walked towards Faith's room curious as to why the sudden shift in her attitude had occurred.   
  
"I think it's time you start then," he answered knowing that situations like these only build in intensity and these were two of the most intense people he had ever known. The problem had obviously been given too much time to build already but he could tell now that maybe they were both ready to actually start talking about things.   
  
"Faith's not a very talkative person," Buffy answered passing the blame.   
  
"Maybe both of you can work on that," he answered again not allowing her to just pass it all off as though everything was entirely Faith's fault.   
  
---  
  
"Hey," Xander greeted happily as he walked into Faith's room confidently.   
  
"Hey," she answered, her tone lacking anything near warmth. She continued tossing her clothes onto the bed into separate piles that were categorized in a way only she could understand.   
  
"That's it?" he asked a little surprised by her coldness. He had noticed she had been in a mood but he didn't think it would be directed at him.   
  
"You were expecting what?" she asked coldly glancing in his direction only quickly.   
  
"What's the matter with you?" he asked walking up to her. He didn't get a response so he moved his hands to her waist trying to figure out some way to possible get her to recognize him since she was acting as though he was some unwanted stranger. She moved quickly away from his touch,   
  
"Don't," she warned.   
  
"What the hell! I'm the bipolar one?" he asked almost angrily.   
  
"Whatever," she answered resuming her piling of clothing.   
  
"You are so fucking scared," he declared shaking his head in an almost sympathetic tone.   
  
"Of you?" she asked with a laugh.   
  
"Of not being wanted," he answered with a slight laugh of disbelief, "you claim to not want just to deny the need to be wanted."  
  
"If this it going to be an 'I took psych in high school' moment, count me out," she answered smugly.   
  
"Oh, I'm sorry – your Angel's the only one that's allowed to play that game, right? Mr. I know how everyone feels… he's the only one that's allowed to try and understand you."   
  
"If you even slightly knew anything about me, you wouldn't have…" she drifted off quickly and started again, "leave Angel out of this – you have no right to-"   
  
"I wouldn't have what?" he asked not missing a second of what she said, "what could I have possibly done between the time when you went to sleep to the time you woke up to make you feel like you weren't everything?" His breath caught in his throat at his admittance of his affection for her so blatant and outward unsure of if it would make the situation better or exponentially worse.   
  
"You fucking left!" she screamed in defense, her voice cracking at the close of her statement as the overwhelming feeling of all too well known pain overcame her again. It hit him like a blow to the head and the pit of his stomach sank inside of him,  
  
"Faith… I-" he stammered realizing how she must feel right now and knowing he had been the cause of it. "I didn't even realize…"   
  
"Of course you didn't," she said almost coaxing him for it, "you have to be really fucked up to think about shit like that… any normal person wouldn't-"   
  
"I'm so sorry," he said a look on his face like he could cry. He watched her jaw line tighten as she denied the tears forming around her eyes and she nodded in acceptance. He walked up to her again and wrapped one arm around her waist and brought his other hand up to her face comfortingly looking deep into her eyes.   
  
"Why am I so fucked up?" she asked tears in her tone audible before those in her eyes. He pulled her in close wanting to be able to make all her pain just disappear but having to deal with the fact that he couldn't. She clenched his shirt desperately burying her face in his chest as he embraced her strongly. He rested his head on top of hers after placing a soft kiss in her hair.   
  
The way she felt and the way those emotions were making her act were such foreign territory that she hardly understood them. She was hypersensitive to everything but so pining to forgive that it sent her into a whirlwind of confusion. The only things that could still it was him and being in his embrace like that made everything slow down almost to halt with an almost childlike feeling of security and warmth. 


	9. Part IX

Adjustment – Part IX  
  
Kennedy heard the sound of the car driving back into the garage almost simultaneously with the beeping of the microwave telling her the popcorn was done. She was really excited to meet Angel – she had heard a lot about him from both Buffy and Faith, not even to mention everyone else. He must be pretty incredible to have had such an impact on both of them though, especially since they were both so different. He was Buffy's first love, which she had learned from everyone's stories, and he was Faith's savior – all in all, she expected to meet quite an incredible guy.   
  
She removed the bag of microwavable popcorn from the microwave and glanced at the attached digital clock reading twelve thirty nine in boxy neon green lettering. The door to the garage opened and she turned her head quickly in the direction wanting to get a look at Angel as soon as possible. Giles walked in first fussing with the lock on the doorknob and behind him walked in Angel. *Woah* was Kennedy's first thought as she watched the handsome, and well described as mysterious looking, man walk into the house. She felt a twinge go through her though, and she was definitely reminded by her Slayer senses that he wasn't a man, but a vampire.   
  
"This is nice," he said politely to Giles. His tone was very polite but also had a sense of familiarity and comfortableness.   
  
"Yes, it's quite livable," he answered, "I do admit I'm anxious to make it into the other house though, it's a bit cramped with all of us here."   
  
"So you're *all* staying here right now?"   
  
"Yes, we've been trying to get to the new location for the last few days but with everything that's been going on as I've told you, we were a bit delayed." Kennedy knew from what he said that they had been talking about Faith on the trip over from the airport. "Would you like anything?"   
  
"Just to see everyone," Angel answered with a smile catching sight of Kennedy in the kitchen.   
  
"Of course," Giles said as they walked into the kitchen.   
  
"You must be Kennedy," Angel greeted extending his hand out towards her. She took it and gave it a shake,   
  
"Nice to meet you," she said genuinely. Angel grinned having heard how attached Giles had noticed she was getting to Faith. Xander walked into the kitchen with some empty glasses from the living room where the television could be heard.   
  
"Angel," he stated with little surprise.   
  
"Hello," he answered. "How's everything going?"   
  
"Alright…" he answered. Kennedy noticed the two of them were almost uncomfortable around each other and she wondered whether it had something to do with Faith, or whether it had more to do with Buffy and all of that stuff that happened in the past that she hadn't gotten clear details on. "Faith's in her bedroom… she should be out of the shower by now," he stated with a formal smile before heading for the fridge to refill everyone's drinks. Angel nodded and asked Kennedy,   
  
"Where's her room?"   
  
"I'll show you," she offered. Angel nodded then followed her out of the kitchen and down the hallway. They stopped at the living room and Angel gave a quick greeting to everyone else in there with a special hello to Willow. After a few moments they headed down the hallway again and down the five steps into the dim hallway.   
  
"She always was the secluded type," Angel commented to Kennedy with a grin.   
  
"That's for sure…" They reached the door and Kennedy knocked strongly on it.   
  
"What!?" Faith asked in her regular, slightly pissed off tone. Kennedy didn't bother to answer she just opened the door and entered with Angel.   
  
"Angel," Faith said in a plain tone refusing to show her happiness outwardly at his arrival.   
  
"Hey, Faith," he answered with a warm smile.   
  
"Kennedy?" Faith said turning towards her.   
  
"Yeah?" she asked excitedly.   
  
"Get lost." Kennedy rolled her eyes in response and turned and left.   
  
"Why does she like you?" Angel asked sarcastically.   
  
"Beats me," Faith answered with a grin.   
  
"How are you going?"   
  
"I'm alright… they didn't tell me you were coming in till a few hours ago when B left. You didn't need to come out here – Buffy's going to be wicked pissed…"   
  
"She already is," he answered with a laugh.   
  
"Yeah, and you two can't even have the whole 'make up sex' thing…" she joked.   
  
"Ha, ha," he answered.   
  
"Don't know how you do it."   
  
"Well, there's no 'doing it' involved," he joked back.   
  
"I know… God, that bites."   
  
"Yeah," he admitted. "It actually makes things a little less complicated in a way though…"   
  
"I can see that – but I would never survive with that kind of curb on me."   
  
"No you wouldn't," Angel agreed with a laugh. "So *have* you been behaving yourself?"   
  
"Me? Of course…" she answered sarcastically.   
  
"That's funny. All kidding aside, Faith-"   
  
"No, I like the kidding conversations better," she stated quickly.   
  
"How are you really doing?"   
  
"Angel, I'm fine."   
  
"I know you're fine, but I also know that you've had a rough couple of days… what's going on?"  
  
"Like what?" she asked with a shrug.   
  
"Like not eating and disappearing for almost two days… you know, stuff like that, Faith."   
  
"Like you said, it was a rough couple of days, that's all," she answered completely avoiding the real point.   
  
"Okay," he accepted sitting down on the end of her bed. She was standing a few feet off facing him hugging her own waist and fidgeting slightly. "I heard you and Xander are getting along pretty well…" he said slightly changing the subject but not entirely like he was so good at doing.   
  
"Yeah, we're getting along," she answered.   
  
"I heard you're getting along *really* well…"   
  
"Where are you *hearing* all of these things from?" she asked getting an attitude with the way he was talking to her.   
  
"Hey," he defended, "there's nothing wrong with that…"   
  
"The way you said it sure didn't sound that way."   
  
"You've got a past with him, Faith, and I'm sure, knowing you, that you haven't dealt with that yet."   
  
"It's no big-"  
  
"Faith, it's not going to work unless you deal with-"  
  
"There's nothing to deal with," she snapped.   
  
"There's a lot to deal with when it comes to you two, Faith. You can't deny that."  
  
"There's nothing to deny…"   
  
"You tried to kill him, Faith," Angel stated calmly not allowing her for a minute to sink into any sort of delusion. He knew he was pushing her hard but he also knew he had to. She turned away from him quickly looking towards the other end of the room. "Faith…"   
  
"I-"  
  
"I didn't come here to upset you."   
  
"I know."   
  
"You also know that I'm right," he pushed.   
  
"Big surprise," she answered. "Can't you just be wrong once in a while?" she kidded.   
  
"Never," he answered sarcastically. "Faith, it's okay to need someone," he comforted with a smile. She nodded pensively, "trust is not easy."   
  
"It's so hard…" she admitted. "I don't get it, Angel…"  
  
"He's a good guy, Faith."   
  
"Yeah, but since when am I attracted to those?" she laughed, "I'm losing it."   
  
"I'm sure you lost it a long time ago," he teased.   
  
"Hell, I was like ten," she admitted jokingly. His expression fell immediately and she avoided further questions, "anyway…"   
  
"Faith, you do have to talk to him about the past if you expect it to last," he said giving her a way out of that subject. "And it sounds like you want it to last."   
  
"What am I supposed to say? Hey, by the way, I'm sorry I almost fucking killed you when I went psycho… let's go screw now."   
  
"You're sleeping with him?" Angel asked quickly. She shot him a look, "sorry… no, but you have talk about it – you can't have a long-term relationship with him constantly wondering about why you did that or whether you even care…"   
  
"I don't even completely know why…"   
  
"Well then you have some things to think about."   
  
"I had things to think about already," she whined. "Angel…" she said questioningly, "I'm really scared."   
  
"Of what?"   
  
"I'm really falling for him… I won't be able to handle getting hurt," she admitted. "I'll lose it… but I feel like I might lose it if I don't have him…"   
  
Angel looked at her with an admiring smile never having known her to ever talk like this or admit to needing anything before. She looked tired and pretty stressed, but she did have a look about her that Angel thought must've been contentment. She had been through so much for such a young girl and she deserved someone like Xander to make her happy for the rest of her life.   
  
"I've known Xander for quite a long time now, and Faith, I don't think he's ever hurt anyone… he's a good guy."   
  
---  
  
"So help me god, Harris, if you hurt her I will put you through such an eternity of pain you won't know what hit you…"  
  
"Woah, woah, woah, big guy, let's tone it down a stage," Xander stammered.   
  
"Sorry, but with that having been said, and the fact that I mean every syllable of it-"  
  
"I get it!"   
  
"Sorry," Angel repeated. "You're staying out of her pants, right!?"  
  
"Big brother syndrome…"   
  
"I care about her and… well, she'll be happy with you. I'm the first to admit it, I don't think any of us have ever known Faith when she was genuinely happy, but I think you can do that for her."   
  
"This is like getting parental permission to ask for a daughter's hand… you do realize you're a little crazy when it comes to her-"   
  
"You're going to marry her?" he asked quickly.   
  
"Dude, like I said, you're nuts!" Angel took a deep breath then began again,   
  
"Okay… can I just ask you a question and have you tell me the answer with complete honesty?"   
  
"I'm a bad liar."   
  
"Is there any part of you that can't love her or could ever possibly hurt her?"   
  
"Angel…"   
  
"You don't have to tell me," he answered, "you know the answer, and I trust you, I really do – I know you'll do the right thing…"   
  
"You really are a little bit of a psycho, you know?" Xander kidded.   
  
---  
  
Angel slept in Xander's room that morning and the house's routine was basically the same. There was a lot of talk on the old days and lots of funny stories about Buffy and Angel, but everyone was also very careful to avoid the stories that might cause some bad feelings to be felt. Angel spent a good duration of the afternoon in Giles' office the two of them only coming out every so often for a snack or in Giles case, a cup of tea.   
  
"Hey," Xander said walking up behind Faith in the kitchen.   
  
"Hey," she answered smiling at him.   
  
"We're all going to go out to eat – kind of as a goodbye for Angel…"   
  
"Okay," she answered smiling. "You okay?" she asked tilting her head slightly looking up at him.   
  
"Yeah," he answered. Kennedy walked into the kitchen,   
  
"Wrap it up, guys, we're leaving in a few minutes…" she teased. "Save some for later." Faith shot her a stare receiving no other reaction than a grin, which she rolled her eyes at and headed towards her room to change. "Going to give her a hand?" Kennedy asked Xander as he began to follow her. Angel walked into the kitchen as Xander spun around towards Kennedy,   
  
"I like to be helpful," he answered.   
  
"What's he helping with?" Angel asked as Xander walked away.   
  
"He's helping Faith change," Kennedy answered loud enough for Xander to hear her telling Angel.   
  
---  
  
"I really think you have to kick Kennedy's ass," Xander said as he walked into Faith's room. She laughed and answered,   
  
"You should – I think you could take her…"   
  
"I probably couldn't have before she had slayer strength," he admitted, "wet noodle, remember?" he said holding up is arm. He smiled but then seeing her reaction realized when he had said that to her. There was an uncomfortable pause and Faith finally snapped out of it,   
  
"Most guys beat people up to try and impress girls – very few try and get them to beat someone up for them," she said with a laugh.   
  
"Yes, but how impressive would it be to watch me get my ass kicked by a seventeen year old girl?" Faith couldn't help but smirk,   
  
"You can impress me otherwise," she said with a wink. He laughed but it soon faded as she began to change. It wasn't like she was naked or anything, but he was just always taken aback when he saw her fully clothed, and seeing her switching her shirt, even when she was wearing a bra, took his breath away. She was wearing a tight, fitted pair of black sweatpants and she changed into a figure hugging, ribbed, white tank top.   
  
"Ready?"   
  
---  
  
They all decided on a restaurant with a club atmosphere not that far from the house, it was only about twenty five minutes. Giles claimed to have read of it in the newspaper and with urging from everyone else, it was the spot they went to. It was already about nine thirty and they planned on having a good dinner and then Giles was going to head to the airport with Angel so they took two cars. It was more packed then any of them had expected but they were seated quickly amongst the crowd towards the back end of the room away from the dance floor.   
  
"Buffy's going to be mad she missed out," Robin said as they sat down.   
  
"She's going to be mad at me anyway," Angel said with a grin. They all sat around the table and conversation flowed easily. There was a slightly awkward moment when it came time to order food but it passed quickly and the fact that Angel didn't eat was soon forgotten again.   
  
"Look at those two trying to dance," Faith remarked amusing herself with all of the people on the dance floor.   
  
"You wanna go show them what dancing looks like?" Xander asked suggesting that they go dance. She smiled and after a momentary pause she agreed,   
  
"Yeah, why the hell not?" she said standing up from the table. Xander got up and walked over to her but she caught sight of the entrance to the club and saw about half a dozen police officers in uniform walking in. "That's why not," she said nervously. Xander quickly looked over to where she was looking and saw the cops,   
  
"Fuck," he agreed. "What do you want to do?" he asked as they quickly returned to the table. She didn't bother answering his question she just said her goodbyes at the table.   
  
"Angel, I'll see you around, okay?"  
  
"Why are you leaving?" he asked confused at the quick shift. He glanced behind her and saw the police beginning to pile into the club.   
  
"It's probably just regular traffic in here, but I can't risk it," she admitted. They could all hear the nervous hint in her tone but they could all see the disappointed look on her face.   
  
"I'll come with you," Xander offered.   
  
"No, I think it'll be less obvious if I just slip out," she sighed. "I'll see you guys later," she said in a tone that made it obvious that she hated not being to just enjoy herself but the fact that she had to constantly be looking out for things like that.   
  
"Be careful," Angel warned. She nodded then turned towards the exit and walked across the club carefully going basically around the perimeter staying towards the large crowds.   
  
"This sucks!" Xander said sitting down angrily. "Why does she have to deal with shit like this?"   
  
"They're not even in here for her – this place probably always has cops in it…" Kennedy complained.   
  
"You just wanted to get to see her dance," Dawn teased. Kennedy returned it with a glare.   
  
"She can't risk it," Angel answered. "It's not worth the chance."   
  
The waiter soon came over to the table with all of the food and placed Faith's order down on the table.   
  
"Can we get that wrapped to go?" Xander asked, "she wasn't feeling well and left."   
  
"Of course, sir," he answered taking the plate with him again. For the duration of the meal the table remained in silence except for the occasional comment on the food. The meal was quickly finished and the uncomfortable silence ensued.   
  
"This sucks!" Xander finally spat, "it's completely ridiculous that she has to live this way! Between having to let that piece of shit cop have his hands all over her just so he wouldn't card her and now this! She can't even go out to eat with some friends…"   
  
"Are there even watches out for her?" Robin asked curiously.   
  
"Yeah," Kennedy answered, "that time when Buffy came to get us at the Bronze when Faith took us out, the cops were Hellmouthed, but they had papers with Faith's picture on it to look for her… so the authorities are aware that she escaped."   
  
"She made a far from subtle escape," Angel answered, "there's no way they wouldn't have known."   
  
"Did she just walk out the front door or something?" Andrew asked curiously, "what a criminal…" he admired.   
  
"Practically… Wesley went in as a visitor and she was in a secured cubicle with thick glass between her and the outside visitors. She told him to move out of the way and she plunged straight through it… she beat up the guards in the outside room then grabbed Wesley and jumped out of the window landing on the hood of a car…"  
  
"Damn," Xander and Wood simultaneously responded.   
  
"Wow," Andrew said admiringly.   
  
"Woah," Kennedy said impressed but not surprised. "She's no shit."   
  
"Nope," Angel answered proudly. "Definitely not." The evening of 'fun' officially came to an end as they all got into the truck to drive Angel to the airport. The original plan had been for just Giles to go, but since Faith had needed to leave she had taken the other car so they all had to go with Giles in the truck. When they arrived at the airport everyone wished Angel a good flight and thanked him for coming. Before he left he called Xander over to his side,   
  
"Hey, Xander, come here for a second…"   
  
"What's up?" he asked walking away from the group with Angel.   
  
"I just wanted to let you know – you've got quite the girl… I know you'll be good to her; she deserves that."  
  
"Thanks."   
  
"If you need anything just give me a call – she's complicated…"  
  
"Yeah, you're telling me," he laughed. Angel gave him a pat on the back before leaving,   
  
"You're a lucky guy, Xander – but she's really lucky to have you too."   
  
Xander thought he might actually learn to like this guy! He never thought that thought would even genuinely run through his brain… it's a strange world, especially his world. They drove back to the house again without conversation but the radio played on a low but clear volume.   
  
Since the moment I spotted you  
  
Like walking round with little wings on my shoes  
  
My stomach's filled with the butterflies... and it's alright  
  
Bouncing round from cloud to cloud  
  
I got the feeling like I'm never going to come down  
  
If I said I didn't like it then you know I'd lied  
  
Every time I try to talk to you  
  
I get tongue-tied  
  
Seems like everything I say to you  
  
Comes out wrong and never comes out right  
  
The song added some levity to the car with the upbeat tune – something all of them needed with the close of this evening. Xander listened to the words with a smile. He was thinking about a lot of things as the words streamed through his head, Anya, and how much he missed her unfortunately being one of them. But he was also thinking about how good it felt how Angel had basically said Faith was his – his! His male possessive pride taking over for a momentary lapse of reason it made him almost giddy. Faith! Miss doesn't owe the world anything and doesn't need anybody was his! The fact that Angel had mentioned it usually wouldn't have made it so official in his mind but it made it obvious that him and Faith had been a subject that the two of them had discussed during at least one of their long talks they had while he was in town. He felt a little embarrassed about how he was undeniably jealous when Angel was able to talk to her for hours on end – he wanted to be able to spend that time with her… but he had contained himself and assured that whatever they were talking about was helping Faith work some things out that she needed to have straightened out before continuing.   
  
So I'll say 'why don't you and I get together and take on the world  
  
and be together forever  
  
Heads we will and tails we'll try again  
  
So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon  
  
and straight on to heaven  
  
Cause without you they're never going to let me in  
  
And slowly I begin to realize this is never going to end  
  
Right about the same you walk by  
  
And I say 'Oh here we go again'  
  
Xander smiled remembering Willow's conversation with him sometime during elementary school. They fought for an entire week about her theory of radio angels. She said d.j.'s weren't people, but they were angels and they always knew when someone needed to hear a certain song and they would play it on the radio to help that person make a decision or feel better about something or someone… He could hardly keep himself from breaking into laughter as he was finally convinced of her radio angel theory more than ten years down the road. He wondered if she even remembered about that…   
  
They pulled into the garage and the trucks diesel was finally silenced. Xander felt himself breathe a sigh of relief seeing the other car safely parked within the garage at their arrival when he hadn't even realized he had been anxious about it. They all piled out of the Suburban, Xander with Faith's dinner in hand. He walked into the kitchen with it and heated it briefly in the microwave before pouring a glass of soda and heading for her bedroom.   
  
"Can I come in?" he asked just outside of the doorway.   
  
"Yeah," she answered from within. He could hear the television on in her room and when he walked in she was sitting up against the wall on her bed watching it. He carried her dinner over to the bed with the soda and offered it to her with a soft smile. "Thanks," she said taking the soda from him and placing the food on the bed. He took his place right next to her and noticed she was watching one of his absolute favorites, "Bring It On."   
  
"Nothing like hot chicks in short skirts jumping around and doing splits if you ask me," he said enthusiastically.   
  
"And all this time I thought you were into the leather pants," she teased.   
  
"Oh the choices," he joked.   
  
---  
  
*Fuck* Xander thought to himself woken from his sleep with the intense urge to go to the bathroom. He hated having to pee in the middle of the night! He slowly woke himself up and as feeling came back to his body he felt Faith's head nestled on his shoulder and her arm resting comfortably across his chest. He slowly slid himself away from her and almost to his surprise she woke up quickly grabbing his shirt with her arm that was across his chest. She looked over at him questioningly and he answered with a light kiss on her forehead,   
  
"I'm just going to the bathroom." She slowly released her grasp on his shirt and rested her head on the pillow. He walked groggily down the hallway and down into the bathroom relieving himself quickly. He smiled at himself in the mirror unsure of why, but he figured if for no other reason it was because he was happy. He walked back into the bedroom assuming she would have been asleep again but she raised her face up as he climbed back into bed and reestablished her place snuggled against him.   
  
"Wake me up," she said sleepily.   
  
"What?" he asked confusedly.   
  
"When you leave," she answered.   
  
"I was just going to the bathroom," he explained.   
  
"Please," she asked cuddling closer to him.   
  
"Okay," he agreed knowing that it really bothered her when he left her alone in the bed without telling her. He could imagine why something like that freaked her out so much – he was sure she was left abandoned many a times before she was the one giving guys the boot. He felt she might be slightly over reacting but it was cute and he honestly couldn't blame her for the anxiety. He brought his arms affectionately around her and quickly found sleep himself.   
  
The sun had just barely risen and the beams of light teased at the window inching their way closer and closer to the bed. Xander felt her start to shift and he opened his eyes to see her almost completely awake.   
  
"Since when do you get up so early?"   
  
"After getting woken up by sketchy guards at four thirty every morning for that long, you kinda do it automatically…" She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair pushing it back from her face as she propped herself up on her side next to him. She looked at him but something about the way she did it was different… better… deeper and softer; her eyes were gentle but searching as she gazed upon his face. Like a child learning the face of a parent she lifted her hand to his face and ran her fingertips down the side of his forehead over his cheekbones and across his jaw line following it carefully. She traced his lower lip with her thumb before bringing her hand up to his eyebrows and tracing them each.   
  
"Does it bother you?" he asked as he felt her pause by the eye patch across his mangled eye. She looked at the black fabric across his familiar face which she still believed looked exactly the same as it always had underneath the patch, but knowing that she wasn't right gave her a pained look.   
  
"It makes me angry," she admitted.   
  
"Why?" he asked. He knew that anger was the general reaction to his injury but he wanted to know exactly why from her.   
  
"I couldn't stop it… I was there and I had to watch it happen and there was nothing I could do about it. It pisses me off…"   
  
"It wasn't your fault."   
  
"I know," she admitted, "but it wasn't yours either." His hand that was resting over the side of her waist right above her hip gave her a comforting squeeze. He glanced down at his hand and saw that her shirt was slightly pulled up exposing her stomach slightly. He pushed it up a few inches higher so he could see her stomach where Buffy had stabbed her. There was hardly a mark…   
  
"You heal quick," he noted.   
  
"Just on the outside," she answered. He knew by her tone and the look in her eyes that no truer words had ever been spoken. He could hardly imagine the pain and horrors that she harbored inside of herself and the constant guilt and agony that nagged at the back of her conscious constantly. He traced his thumb down the center of her stomach in the subtle crease made by the outline of her firm stomach muscles. He went from the top by her ribs down to the waistband of her sweatpants and back up again finally stopping at around the middle and resting his hand there. She brought her hand and rested it gently on top of his smiling softly at him.   
  
"I don't get it," she admitted.   
  
"Don't get what?"   
  
"Why would you want me?" She looked at him almost nervously not knowing what to expect from him and maybe a little afraid that she had asked the wrong thing at the wrong time. She watched his features closely wanting every reaction she could get and then she watched a soft smile spread across his features,   
  
"All this time I was wondering the same thing," he answered. A small smile teased at the edges of her mouth and he leaned down and kissed her. His lips were soft against hers but there was a different feeling to the kiss this time – his hands reached down and found her hips urging her on before he pulled her on top of him. Her lips never parted from his as she moved onto him the intensity just built. She felt so good against him he couldn't think of anything he wanted more at that moment. She slid down and up against him never breaking their kiss except to occasionally tease one of his lips between hers and pull on it lightly. His senses were a complete frenzy as she rocked her hips strongly against him, kissed him passionately and ran her hands up and down his chest encouragingly. And then it happened –   
  
She parted her lips from his and sat up flipping her hair away from her face ready to quickly shed some clothing. He looked up at her, the same girl who only moments before was never close enough, the girl he wanted so badly and felt so comfortable with and pined for so much; now she was that girl he didn't trust but wanted to, but his brain just couldn't allow. His throat felt like it was being held tightly between her hands as it had once been and he became short of breath.   
  
*Anya… Faith… she's going to kill me… she's dead… how many? She's guilty… I love her… Anya… don't touch her… I'll kill you… she could do anything to me… is she right? Do I want her to? She's going to kill me… Anya… do you love me? I love her… yes… then why do I want her? Does she want me? Do you still want me? Faith… Anya… death… sex… love… hate… torture… strength… time… changes… fear…*  
  
This onslaught of emotions overwhelmed him and on top of it all, he knew that she hadn't changed anything – she was just the same exact girl who was just there and hadn't done anything wrong and was just ready to make love to him. He was freaking out and he knew he was freaking out, which almost made it worse because he knew how much it was going to hurt her that he was freaking out but he couldn't stop.   
  
"Stop!" he said fiercely grabbing at her quickly and frantically pushing her away. She saw the look of complete panic in his eyes and she quickly acquiesced and got off of him and off of the bed also. She stood at the side of the bed looking over at him with her eyes unconsciously filling with tears as she quickly caught her breath and tried to come back to reality,   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
He sat up quickly in the bed choking to catch his breath.   
  
"It's more than that…" he panted finally verbally speaking the strains of thought flashing through his mind. "No… it was more than that…"   
  
"Xander, please stop," she pleaded. She was shaking – so much that it was audible in her tone as she begged him to calm down. "It's okay…" she coaxed, "I'm not going to hurt you," she said ashamed that she needed to say something like that to someone she felt so deeply for.   
  
"I can't… I can't…" he panted. She stood there frustrated with her helplessness in the situation and tried to figure out something she could possibly do to make anything better.   
  
"Okay, okay… you don't have to do anything, just stop!" she said her frustration becoming more evident in her tone. He was still out of breath and the rush of adrenaline running through his body in ferocious doses caused him to shake and speak unsteadily but his nerves were coming back to him and he was able to subdue the panic that had overcome his conscious.   
  
"Faith…" he said shakily knowing he still needed to calm himself more to really speak but he couldn't just leave her standing there.   
  
"I didn't fucking do anything!" He watched her jaw tighten each second simultaneously with her hands beginning to shake slightly.   
  
"I know," he said trying to now calm her down since he was almost calm now. "Come here…"   
  
"Why? So you can scream at me like I'm a fucking killer!?"   
  
"Faith… calm down…"   
  
"Now you're telling me to calm down? God, Xander, talk about getting a girl wound up… you had it covered at all angles." She paused for a moment looking over at him unable to completely comprehend everything that was going on, "I didn't even do anything… I was just trying to make you feel good, and-" she started to explain like maybe she had done something wrong.   
  
"Faith, I just freaked, okay?" he said with more sternness then he should have, or then he had intended, but admitting such a thing was hard for him. Hearing her getting upset by what happened didn't make matters any better, now not only was he freaking but he was furious with himself on top of it.   
  
"Whatever," she said her defenses kicking in full speed. He took a deep breath knowing she was shutting him out now – whenever she had had enough in a confrontation she didn't back down from it she just simply blocked everything out.   
  
"Faith," he scolded trying to keep her from drifting away.   
  
"Don't talk to me like I'm the one that fucked up," she warned viciously.   
  
"I freaked out! It's not like I don't have a good reason…" He saw his words hit her like he had actually struck her and he immediately regretted it. She couldn't handle taking responsibility for what she had done to him – not like this. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths before opening them again. She nodded in his direction as a type of admittance and then turned and walked out of the bedroom. "Fuck!" Xander hissed at himself.   
  
---   
  
"Ah, Faith, good morning," Giles greeted as she quickly walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. "I wanted to talk to you this morning – while Angel was here we talked a lot about the latest evils that are about and I wanted to discus it with you… I know things between you and Buffy haven't always been equal but with her out of town and all, we might as well start balancing the scales right away…" he babbled as she approached the kitchen quickly. She wasn't in a state to be fooling too many people and Giles was one that could've probably caught her even when she was. "Faith?" he asked as she got close enough to him that he could read her features more closely. "Is everything alright?" he asked carefully. The rest of the house seemed to be relatively empty except for the occasional creak of the floor from upstairs where everyone was just beginning to wake up. She looked up at him still shaking fairly obviously and shook her head in admittance. "Come into my office," he offered guiding her quickly from the kitchen down the hallway and into his office.  
  
He closed the door behind them and Faith immediately sat down on the couch practically falling there. He observed her as quickly as he could reading her features, her breathing and her body language, but he still couldn't possibly know for sure what had happened.   
  
"Faith… what's going on?" He watched her for any sort of answer but she just sat there seeming to stare off into nowhere in particular breathing uneasily and remaining to shake. "Faith, talk to me…"   
  
"Nothing…" she finally was able to say, "it's nothing… really… it doesn't matter," she lied. Giles could tell by everything, especially her tone that the opposite was true but he in no way was expecting Faith to just break down and cry her worries away to him – that would probably be grounds for more worry.   
  
"Did you two have an argument?" he asked figuring a yes or no answer might be easier to voice. She wasn't even focusing her eyes on anything in this world – she had definitely gone into an internal retreat leaving herself to just stare outward at the wall and remain silent and withdrawn. "Faith…"   
  
"Atonement is so hard," she finally said looking up at him without really focusing her eyes on him in any way. She constantly chided herself mercilessly for not following Angel's advice and talking to Xander about it before going on with anything else. It was true - he was *never* wrong...  
  
"Why don't you rest in here for a moment," Giles suggested as he stood and walked out of the office. 


	10. Part X

Adjustment - Part X  
  
"Giles…" Xander said in a tired tone as he quickly walked into Faith's bedroom where Xander was still sitting on the edge of the bed.   
  
"What the bloody hell is going on?" he asked angrily slightly taking Xander aback.   
  
"A lot," he noted strongly, "and if my memory serves me correctly none of it has anything to do with you." Now Giles was definitely the one that was surprised at the sudden attack.   
  
"If it has to do with Faith, then it has to do with me."   
  
"Oh yeah, you certainly stepped up to those responsibilities when she was dancing around killing people – all you did was stand around, like you always do, and try and ignore her like she was some pest that would eventually just go away!"   
  
"Now you listen here!" Giles scolded angrily, "I did everything I could for her-"  
  
"If you honestly believed that you wouldn't be in her right now."   
  
"I'm in here right now because-"   
  
"You're in here because you feel this guilt inside of you that you let her down – you know you did – she needed someone, anyone… God, Angel was able to be her saving grace… and you know what, everyday it kills you that he did it and you didn't! You could've been that savior; that one true person that never gave up on her, and you were her fucking watcher – the person that was designated to be that person for her! You could've had that bond with her – that bond that when you ask her what's wrong, she might actually tell you…"   
  
"I don't think I regret it anymore than you."   
  
"I'm trying!"   
  
"Well, I don't think you're taking a very good approach at it from what I can see."   
  
"Do you know what she did to me?!" he asked the venom in his body finally escaping if only through the vapors in his tone.   
  
"I'm aware of the circumstances, yes. She hurt all of us at one time or another, Xander… all of us have different ways of dealing with that complication – not all of us can just hop into bed with her to make it all just go away."   
  
Xander stood there biting the inside of his lip as hard as he could until he could taste the blood trickle into his mouth to avoid further confrontation. He knew he was already riled up and angry with himself, there would be no reason to further push this fight with Giles. He curbed his impulse to jump up and punch him straight in the face, luckily.   
  
"At least I'm actually dealing with it," he finally answered.   
  
"I don't think sending her off in a state like that is really accomplishing anything."   
  
"You know what!" Xander yelled finally losing his temper, "I don't fucking need this from you… it's fucking hard enough for me, okay? You think I like seeing her like that?" he yelled pointing towards the door she left from. "Do you think that? Do you think it's easy for me to just let her walk away from me because I know she needs to just walk away cause she doesn't want to cry? Do you really think that I like the fact that she won't cry in front of me? Every time I look at her all I can think about is how many nights she spent in that jail cell just knowing how fucking alone she is – and probably always will be with the bunch we are! Everyone wants to act like nothings changed-"  
  
"No one is pretending that things are the same, Xander…"   
  
"Things aren't the same – I used to trust people; don't ask me why, even after knowing that there were real monsters hiding under my bed at night, I still trusted people and that trust was fucking burned – and it was fucking burned by her! God I wish I could just fuck her like all of you think I do… you're all idiots!"   
  
"Calm down… no one is passing judgment-"  
  
"You're right, no one is except for you – you pass it on everyone… you fucking passed it on her even when you knew what she did wasn't that bad! You said it yourself – unfortunately people get caught in the middle, and it wasn't the first time something like that had happened and you just let Buffy completely blow things out of proportion and instead of getting to the root of it and making Faith feel like what she did was just part of her job you took Buffy's side and just avoided the problem and let it fester! You knew exactly what would come of her and you didn't immediately comfort her because you-"   
  
"That's enough!"   
  
"No it's not! It's never going to be enough to make it up to her… we all let her down and because of who she is and all of the dozens of people who let her down before we did things got like they did."   
  
---  
  
Robin opened the door to Giles office preceding himself with a quick knock not waiting for the acceptance of his entrance. He walked in and was quickly surprised to see Faith sitting blankly at the couch. '  
  
"Faith… I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone else was in here," he explained turning to leave.   
  
"No… don't worry about it, I was just leaving," she assured.   
  
"You don't have to."   
  
"I know – I was really just about to leave though…" she rose from the couch and started towards the door past him. He looked briefly at her and could tell without a second glance that something was wrong.   
  
"Faith, are you alright?"   
  
"You know me…"   
  
"Is everything really alright?"   
  
"Of course…" she answered with a completely forced smile.   
  
"Are you happy with him?" he asked quickly after a brief hesitation watching her leave.   
  
"Excuse me?" she asked turning back towards him half way through the doorway.   
  
"Xander… are you happy with him?"   
  
"What makes you think I'm 'with' him?" she asked almost angrily.   
  
"I've just…" he stopped trying to quickly figure out his words carefully seeing the steam begin to form around her features, "I've noticed you two have been spending the night together recently… that's all…"   
  
"Well, you of all people should know that doesn't mean a god damn thing with me, and secondly, there's nothing going on between us," she corrected sternly.   
  
"My mistake…" he said with a submissive smile before lowering his gaze as she walked away. He was more apologizing for being stupid enough to try and talk to her while he knew she was in such a state, but it ended up being an apology for a lot of things, which she clearly wasn't accepting – not that he blamed her. She turned and walked out of the office muttering under her breath,   
  
"Yeah, my mistake too."   
  
She shook her head almost in disappointment in herself as she walked back into the kitchen. Kennedy and Willow were in there pouring coffee and just starting to wake up but they seemed to already be in some petty argument.   
  
"Katherine?"  
  
"Yeah, it was a while ago," Kennedy explained.   
  
"I just never thought you were a Katherine type of person…"   
  
"You have to be a certain type of person to date a Katherine?" Kennedy asked a little bewildered at the overreaction she was receiving. Faith smiled softly to herself remembering one of her best friends from Boston that had that name amongst a few other people...   
  
"My best friend was named Katherine," Faith said joining the conversation in a disconnected way.   
  
"Really?" Kennedy asked curiously never having heard Faith ever mention anything about her past.   
  
"Yeah, she was wicked cool – we did some damage together," Faith added with a laugh. Xander walked angrily into the kitchen from Faith's room, which didn't go unnoticed by anyone. Giles had him completely worked up as though Faith hadn't had him panicked enough. A flash of anger flooded through him as he heard her laughing – how could she pretend nothing was wrong  
  
"Faith, can we talk?" he asked almost authoritatively. A tone like that wasn't going to get him anywhere with her and she made that quite clear,   
  
"Actually, no…"   
  
"We need to talk."   
  
"Kennedy," Faith called grabbing the keys to the Suburban, "let's go." She didn't even look towards him as she walked out of the kitchen with Kennedy following her without question.   
  
"Faith, god damnit!" he yelled after her. Willow and Wood both flashed him a glance surprised at his confidence but not at all surprised with the way Faith was handling him – she acted as though he didn't exist. Then he made the mistake to follow the two of them to the garage. "Faith, don't you dare walk away from me!"   
  
"Excuse me?" she asked sharply. Kennedy froze in place scared by her tone.   
  
"We need to talk," he answered immediately changing his tone.   
  
"There's nothing to talk about," she claimed her accent causing the words to roll into what seemed to be one long one.   
  
"Don't do this," he pleaded.   
  
"I'm not the one that did anything," she stated turning away from him and tossing the keys over to Kennedy. "Wanna drive?"   
  
"I don't have my license…"   
  
"Either do I," she answered with a smile already getting into the passenger seat. Kennedy shrugged and jumped into the drivers seat.   
  
"What was that all about?" Kennedy asked as they left the driveway and started on the street.   
  
"Who knows," Faith said dismissing the problem. She pulled her cigarettes out of her pocket and quickly lit one inhaling it deeply. "Boys suck," she said exhaling slowly.   
  
"Hence the gayness," Kennedy answered with a smile. Faith nodded with a smile,   
  
"Yeah, I was never that smart… probably would've kept me out of a lot of trouble."   
  
"You can't tell me that you've never been with a chick."   
  
"There's not much I haven't been with," she answered inhaling her cigarette again. Kennedy couldn't help but laugh at her honesty,   
  
"Yeah, you strike me as the adventurous type…"   
  
"Adventurous… stupid… desperate… call it whatever you want," she said exhaling the smoke in a long, thick stream. Kennedy shook her head and added,   
  
"I don't know how you do it… I couldn't just move on like that. I mean Katherine was my first and I'm still not over her-"   
  
"It's pretty easy to move on when you can't stand anyone you're with."   
  
"That's a lie."   
  
"What is?"   
  
"You can't tell me that you never liked any of the guys you were with…"   
  
"Well, after getting hurt by the first few, I kind of made it a policy not to get attached."   
  
"So what's this sudden loophole when it comes to Xander?" she asked pushing to find out what was really going on in her head.   
  
"Temporary insanity."   
  
"You go through that occasionally I've heard," Kennedy joked.   
  
"Fuck you," Faith answered jokingly.   
  
"So, tell me if I'm way off base here, but why do you do it?"   
  
"What are you talking about?"   
  
"It's just that most people who sleep around… well, they're compensating for something…"   
  
"You've got nerve, kid…" she answered not entirely offended by the statement, but more impressive that Kennedy was ballsy enough to say it.   
  
"Sorry," Kennedy said quickly pretty sure she had treaded on sensitive ground.   
  
"Nah, it's alright…"   
  
"Why won't you just let yourself fall for him?"   
  
"I did," she answered almost painfully.   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"Nothing," Faith answered with a laugh, "settling isn't me… I don't know why I thought anything had changed."   
  
"Faith-"   
  
"It's just not me… and I'm better off when I keep it that way.  
  
Kennedy could hear it in her tone that she wanted to stop talking, at least for a few minutes. She didn't know what to say but she knew she didn't want Faith to give up on Xander – there was too much there for her to just turn her back on it. She stole glances over at her and just saw her devouring cigarette after cigarette as though it would eventually numb the pain inside. The silence eventually became too much for her and if Faith lit another cigarette she was going to scream,   
  
"So tell me about your friend, Katherine."   
  
"She was really cool… we grew up together."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Boston… two chicks who knew they were hot and weren't too shy to tell you when you weren't."   
  
"What happened?"   
  
"A lot…" she said taking a long pause before continuing. "She was wicked smart in school and… well, it's no surprise that I wasn't," she admitted with an uncomfortable laugh. "I ended up dropping out-"  
  
"Why? Faith, you're not dumb… you're probably one of the smartest people I know…"   
  
"I'm street smart – that's about it…"   
  
"That's just because you didn't go to school."   
  
"Well, either way, there were a bunch of reasons… but once I stopped going I saw a lot less of her and we ended up in different crowds and you know how the rest of the story goes…"   
  
"Yeah, only because you're not telling any of it," Kennedy said confidently.   
  
"It was always kind of a running joke that her name was Katherine because so was my mothers… the three of us were more like sisters then anything else…"   
  
"I've never heard you mention your mother."   
  
"I usually don't."   
  
"Did you hate her?"   
  
"Why do you think that?"   
  
"Well, I hate my mother so I figured it was a general trend…"  
  
"Nah, actually we got along five by five… well, for a while. She was definitely more like a sister than a mother though," Faith admitted with a laugh. "She was great – she had me when she was pretty young so we were close and she was so real about everything… hey, listen to me praising her like a fucking saint," Faith said laughing at herself again. "Don't get me wrong, she went way down hill but I couldn't complain before then. She never loved me though… she would tell me straight out that I ruined her life, but hey, who could blame her?   
  
"Got knocked up by some one nighter, was tripping on all sorts of shit for a few months, and the next thing she knew she was like seven months pregnant…" Faith seemed to leave herself for a moment as she stared out of the windshield remembering her past. Kennedy could tell it was hard for her as she laughed uncomfortably about certain things trying to smooth it all over as though it were just some joke she was telling.   
  
"Well, she was no saint, like I said, and if you think I'm compensating for things by hoppin' around a little bit, you've obviously never met her… when I was younger she had pretty nice guys coming around but it seemed like the older I got, the sleazier they got… make a long story short," she finally said knowing she couldn't pretend to be okay with the story if she told it in full, "she got with some pretty fucked up people and she got into a lot of the shit they were into and when she wasn't good enough for them they would leave and take all their nose candy with them and she wasn't too good at handling that… she would drink a lot when she didn't have those kind of people around to keep her high as a kite…"   
  
"That sucks…"   
  
"Yeah, it did," she said with a laughing sigh, "and what really sucked is that for those few hours once in a while she was a shadow of herself and I would just bask in the attention… when she was sober and happy she would just light up and I was her world again, no matter what… it would make me happy for weeks. It was hard because we were so close and we would hang out together and do things, but then for a long time I had to get used to not even being acknowledged when I got home. Guess it was good practice for the rest of my life," she finished with an uncomfortable laugh. "Got real good at being alone."  
  
"Listen, Faith… I know you probably don't want to hear this-"  
  
"So don't say it," she suggested strongly.   
  
"I really think you need him."   
  
"What?" she asked whipping her head around quickly towards her. "I don't need anyone."   
  
"Fine, Faith," she said dismissingly. Faith couldn't help but laugh at her tone,   
  
"Where do you get the fucking balls to talk to me like that?"   
  
"Faith, you're practically in tears telling me about your mother and your friends – you need someone like Xander who you can just talk about all this shit to and actually cry about it and maybe make peace with some of it… I don't know what's going on between you two, but God! You need someone, Faith, because you're not going to last forever like this – I'm shocked you've gotten this far…"   
  
"I spent a good chunk of it behind bars."   
  
"You need him. I know you don't want to admit that but you do."   
  
"I don't need anyone."   
  
"Why are you in such denial?"   
  
"This is not me in denial," she stated with a laugh.   
  
"You can't tell me talking about all of this heavy shit didn't make you feel better…"   
  
"Yeah, thinking about my dead fucking mother really makes me feel just peachy!"  
  
"How'd she die?" Kennedy asked her tone shifting immediately to a much more cautious one.   
  
"Make a right over here," Faith instructed.   
  
"Faith, answer the question."   
  
"Just make a fucking right!" Out of pure defiance Kennedy took a left proud of herself for her rebellious outburst, but the flaming pride that had risen within her was quickly doused when she realize she had turned onto their street and she was heading straight back for the house. "I was a scrappy little brat just like you when I was younger," Faith said confidently as they reached the garage rubbing it all over Kennedy's face that she had known she was going to turn left and that was exactly where she wanted her to turn. Embarrassed and definitely put back in her place she remained silent as she parked and turned off the truck.   
  
---  
  
Faith walked into the house and her aura seemed like something from her past. She was more barricaded then she had seemed recently and a little quicker in the way she was looking around. There was that constant apprehension and tensions masked by her overly confident and secure façade. She passed through the kitchen where everyone had seemed to gather except for Xander but Andrew quickly spilled the beans on that.   
  
"Xander's in your room waiting for you – he said he needed to talk to you…" Andrew said with his overwhelming innocence and naivety to such circumstances.   
  
"Then toss me a beer, Drew," she said with a wink and a smile. With a slight stumble he eagerly fetched her a Corona and practically ran it over to her with enthusiasm. "Thanks, I'm going to need it," she said taking it from him flashing him another quick smile. She knew she was dealing with things the way she used to – cover up the pain with a saucy smile and a few quick jokes and everything would just go away. She walked towards her room both wanting to run towards and away from it.   
  
"Surprise seeing you here," she said sarcastically as she entered the room. Xander could practically feel the different attitude as she walked in and he knew it wasn't good.   
  
"When I was ten my dad beat up my older sister while he was drunk and-"   
  
"When I was ten I got raped," she said cutting him off. "Should we continue this game or would you like something else?"   
  
"The point of my story," he said strongly keeping himself on course not allowing himself to be thrown by what she said even though it felt like someone had punched him in the gut by the way she said it like it was nothing but at the same time like it was so much and she just didn't want to admit it.   
  
"I don't really give a shit what the point was… if I did then I probably wouldn't have interrupted…"   
  
"Boy, Kennedy must've really said something you didn't like…"   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"Well, you usually try and hurt people when someone's said something you didn't want to hear…"   
  
"So I'm hurting you?" she asked feigning excitement at the notion.   
  
"If having me admit to it adds to the satisfaction of it…"   
  
"Well, it's probably about as close to satisfying me as you're gonna get."   
  
"Faith!" he said sharply immediately curbing himself, "I don't want to fight…"   
  
"Oh come on," she teased, "be a man… they all like to fight."   
  
"Don't put me in the same category as she scum you've been with," he warned.   
  
"Xander, the only category you're in is another little virgin who I played with for a night…"   
  
"Keep telling yourself that, Faith," he said barely able to keep from showing how hurt he was by all the things she was saying to him. "You're trying to hurt me, but-"   
  
"We both know you remember what happened the last time you pulled that line on me."   
  
"Gee, Kennedy must've really bitched you out… what'd she say?" he asked feigning indifference to the blows she was hitting him with.   
  
"Actually," Faith answered with a fake joking tone, "can you believe this one, she says I *need* you!"   
  
"Scares the shit out of you doesn't it?" he asked confidently knowing she had given herself away.   
  
"I don't need anybody – especially someone who can't even give me a good fuck once in a while!"   
  
"Whatever," he answered not allowing himself to take her personally anymore.   
  
"Just going to run away?"   
  
"That's what really scares you," he answered looking deeply at her. "I'll be like you and just leave when things get too hard…"   
  
"If it scares me so fucking much then why am I kicking you out?"   
  
"Faith," he said holding his arms up in a surrendering fashion, "deal with things the way you always do – I'm no match to that… but, that's probably why you do it," he answered turning to exit the room. She stood there confidently taking a long sip of the beer not allowing anything to pass through the brick wall she had sheltered herself with – but on the same coin it kept her from reacting to his words in a way that could've kept him there and possibly put her inside his arms. He walked up the five steps and down the hallway passing Kennedy by the kitchen. "Don't fucking look at me like I didn't just try," he spat as he walked by her. 


	11. Part XI

Adjustment – Part XI  
  
"Don't be upset," Dawn said quietly as she walked into the kitchen which was empty except for a shadowy figure of Xander sitting slumped down in one of the chairs.   
  
"I thought I was actually being subdued right now," he answered glancing up with a soft, tired smile drawn across his features.   
  
"You forget – I actually know you and when you're quiet that's usually when something's really wrong…" she watched him quietly for a few more moments then continued, "tell me… what's going on?"   
  
"She's angry…" he said as though he was admitting a thought that weighed as much as he did.   
  
"She's always angry at something… there's enough anger stored in there that if she's steadily angry until she dies, there's probably still going to be a bunch left over…" she joked.   
  
"She's angry at me and so am I."   
  
"Why?" He just shook his head slowly in response remaining silent. She waited a few more moments before pushing, "Xander, ever since we moved you've barely talked to me… we're supposed to be friends but now you're either following her around or you're sitting all mopey and depressed and won't talk."   
  
"Dawn… I'm in love with her."   
  
"Xander, your heart is worth more than-" she cut herself off then continued, "rebound can do strange things to someone's senses…"   
  
"You're old enough now, Dawnie… she was the first person that I was ever hooked on."   
  
"What about Cordelia?"   
  
"I cared about Cordelia a lot and I even loved her… but Faith was definitely the first girl that I couldn't stop thinking about."   
  
"That's what tits and an ass will get you."   
  
"Maybe," he agreed knowing she wasn't getting what he was talking about. "Get some rest, Dawn," he said quietly as he stood from the chair and walked up the stairs to his bedroom. She couldn't help but feel that pang of jealousy, which she constantly chided herself for knowing that Faith was really cool and that her and Xander were good for each other.   
  
---  
  
He reached his bedroom and entered it without any particular enthusiasm knowing his night was going to be spent alone as they had been for quite some time. He sighed as he kicked off his shoes and pulled his shirt off. He tensed his stomach muscles then gave it a firm punch as he did whenever he took his shirt off as a type of reassurance that he was making a physical comeback and the time he was spending doing sit-ups and crunches weren't all a waste. He unclasped his watch and glanced at it quickly before tossing it down onto the table. It was already close to two a.m. and he knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep so he occupied his mind with the shallow feelings of dread of having to lie down and toss and turn for hours on end, only to then get up again tomorrow just as tired, if not more so, then when he had set out to sleep.   
  
He smiled to himself as he lowered down to the floor on his back and began to do sit ups. He remembered how everyone would joke about how easily amused he was and he would always hate to be thought of as simple – but right now, he wished their words had been more true. He wanted to be easily amused by anything – anything at all that would possibly get his mind off of… well, there he went again thinking about it. There was nothing to think about, he convinced himself in a steady, rhythmical chant that coincided with the rise and fall of his body – twenty two, twenty three, twenty four – he continued with the exercise.   
  
He figured maybe if he made himself tired enough then he had a chance, if even a slight one, the odds would be further in his favor to maybe find a single wink of sleep in the duration of this night. Fifty nine, sixty, sixty one… *Faith… Anya… anger… guilt… pain… she's angry at me… so am I… she says she wants to be alone but she's screaming for someone… she's so lonely… she's always been lonely and it's what she hates about herself… they always say it about slayers, no matter how many people they're surrounded by they always fight alone… why does life have to be a constant battle for her? Even Buffy has her intermissions… she's so lonely… I'm lonely.* One twenty three, one twenty four, one twenty five…   
  
The pain that begins to surge through his muscles starts to blur out the screaming slurs of thought racing through his brain. One fifty seven, one fifty eight, one fifty nine… *Should I go in to her? Does she need me? She's asleep you fool, why would she stay up thinking about me? A girl like that doesn't need to lose sleep over anyone… to surpass all in one's kind brings one to infinite glory and power, the ultimate power of feeling, but with it I suppose also comes loneliness… a loneliness that one can become so adept to that it is hardly considered loneliness, but rather a friend is thought of as a crowd or perhaps a simple surprise.* One seventy, one seventy one, one seventy two.  
  
*That's the problem with Faith – she surpasses all in every facet of her being… but with that she has not lost the awareness that she is alone, and that she doesn't want to be but is so jaded to such that not being alone is something that is truly unconsciously avoided, if by nothing else habit. But no, that's also a lie… her entire being is based on lies – straight from the beginning I'm sure. She convinces herself that she avoids others, their words of praise, their caress, their emotions, their connections because of only habit, but it's a lie. What makes it so hard is that she knows it's a lie. The pain that wells up inside of her every moment is a constant reminder to her that habit is a lie – pain and fear of pain is the true catalyst. Every lie that was ever spoken to her is forgotten, passed through her conscious like air, thick air, but air none the less, and it has passed and been forgotten. That's a lie too. It's without a doubt that they're all still stored in some facet of the brain where they can only be taped into subconsciously. There are lies that live though – the ones that linger and feed, the ones that haunt and tease, probing at nerves and emotions always ready to give that last little push towards an eruption – these lies are the ones that she believed when they were spoken.* Two hundred.   
  
*God I wish I were simple…*   
  
---  
  
*'But you said we could go today…'   
  
'Don't bother me now.'   
  
'I didn't mean to bother you.'   
  
'Well you did, and you still are… buzz off.'   
  
'John still has that puppy he's giving away… did you think about yet?'   
  
'I told you once, no dog!'   
  
'But-'  
  
'Get lost!'   
  
'Okay…'   
  
'Rick's coming by later tonight so don't be around.'   
  
'I don't like him… he gives me dirty looks.'   
  
'That's why I don't want you around when he's here.'   
  
'He's always here.'   
  
'He keeps your ma happy, doesn't he? Don't you care about me?'   
  
'Yeah, I do… I just don't like the way he treats you, that's all.'   
  
'I can take care of myself, Faith." *   
  
I sit bolt upright in bed gasping to catch my breath and no matter how hard I try and pull the air into my lungs they scream in agony from their emptiness. I cradle my face in my hand touching it as though I don't really believe it's there. It's covered in cold sweat, dripping down my face… my arms are covered too. I wipe my hand across my neck and my chest to feel the cold layer that's formed there too. I run my fingers through my hair pulling it away from my face convinced I'm hot when my body is really telling me I'm freezing.   
  
I know he's not there but I glance behind me towards the other side of the bed anyway… it was worth a try. God I'm whipped… who the fuck cares if he was there, it's not like he's change anything anyhow. He'd mumble some monotonous line that's supposed to make me feel better and expect it to work, and be all sorts of offended when it didn't do jack. Men, they're all fucking animals… and I'm not being cynical, I'm being logical and learned! If there were a Ph.D. in men, I'd be world renowned.   
  
Not that I'm not already wanted all over the world… wanted, that's a funny word for it. They should make it, America's Most Hunted… wanted makes you feel too warm and fuzzy inside when you think about it – they don't really want any of them, they just need to find them to collect their paycheck. If that were really what was meant by wanted then I've got nothing to complain about… I've probably got a crew of two dozen uniformed men out there aimlessly searching the streets 'wanting' me.   
  
To be wanted… what a strange fucking feeling. Too much responsibility for me – never really was my thing. Sometimes I wish the government could hook me up with some sort of chip, like Spike, but not to make sure I don't hurt anyone, but kind of as a mute button. I want to be able to just put a mute on my brain so I don't have to constantly hear it thinking… God, it never bloody shuts up! You would think it would figure out something interesting to say once in a while, but no it's just as boring as I am…   
  
*'Mom? Mom… hey, Ma? You passed out or something?' I call obnoxiously sure that she's asleep and won't be able to yell at me for being a bitch. 'Mom?' I call as I step into her room. 'You awake?' I walk over to her bed then stop short when I see the blood stained sheets. 'Mom?' I ask my voice already all choked up. I glance over her quickly and see a knife on the bed and blood all over her. I quickly back away from the bed immediately feeling as though I've done something wrong and I'm in trouble,   
  
'Faith.'   
  
'What the hell happened, Ricky!?'   
  
'Bad trip I guess… happens.'   
  
'But… why didn't you-'   
  
'Listen, baby, I'll take care of it but in the mean time why don't you come with me and I'll make you feel better, okay?' *  
  
"FUCK!" I scream as loud as I can and I'm sure the entire house is up because of it. If I was going to do time for killing someone, why didn't I kill him? He was definitely the first person I ever truly hated. "Fucking scumbag! Fucking piece of shit! I'll fucking kill you, mother fucker!" I keep screaming and I can feel the tears burning in my eyes but I don't cry – I never want to cry. I slam my fist into the wall with a lot of force – immediate gratification is definitely my thing, and now I'm able to catch my breath a little bit. I grab my face again the way I'm sure it feels like when someone else does it to make you feel better, not that I could know for sure…   
  
  
  
*'Hello there missy, what do you say we do something to get rid of that God awful frown?' I feign a smile knowing I had drifted off to think about something else. 'A penny for you thoughts… hell, make it a quarter,' he says enthusiastically holding the coin up towards me with a huge smile painted across his face.   
  
'Just stuff.'   
  
'Well, what kind of stuff? What is it with kids these days? Never wanting to participate in meaningful dialogue… conversation is what keep cultures alive and helps them to grow and become closer. None of us would be here today if everyone just answered 'stuff' all the time… Now tell me, what's keeping you?'   
  
'Nothing, boss… do you need me to pull any jobs tonight?'   
  
'Actually yes – come with me, we need to discus a fellow by the name of Worth.' *   
  
What the hell is wrong with me? I wigging out… there's definitely an issue with me and I better figure it out because I'm about to scream, and if I start screaming there's going to be no stopping me. The last time I felt this angry Xander grabbed me and held me to calm me down… I want him next to me to just lie to me and tell me everything's okay and that he'll never leave me and that he really does love me. I know it's all lies but I don't care – I just want him here with me to hold me and lie to me.   
  
*'What're you in for?'   
  
'Nothing.'   
  
'Is that right? Well, from the security I've been watching follow you around-'   
  
'Why the fuck are you watching me?'   
  
'No reason… this jail doesn't really house easy cases, so my guess is you didn't do nothing.'   
  
'Well your guesses suck.'   
  
'Aren't you a nice girl…'   
  
'No, I'm not.'  
  
'You probably done some bad shit.'   
  
'Yeah, so if you wanna live to see the end of your sentence I suggest you leave me alone and stop watching me.'   
  
'You probably don't have any friends… that's why you're so mean.'   
  
'I'm probably pretty far away from being the meanest mother fucker in here; you've probably murdered more folks then I have otherwise you wouldn't be in a cell next to me, and I don't have any fucking friends but that's none of your business and it has absolutely nothing to do with why I'm so fucking mean – I just don't like you.'   
  
'Hit a nerve.'  
  
'I'll hit your fucking face in a minute!'  
  
'In case you didn't realize – you're in a fucking cell. Do you even begin to know what that means? You're locked up, kid – you ain't coming out until they say so, and until then you sit there and you make due. You'll be fucking old, and a lot less pretty by the time you see the light of day as a free person again… my guess is, and please tell me if it's a good one, you're never fucking getting out of here for all the shit you done.'   
  
I completely lose it and start screaming angrily and punching the bars and throwing anything I can get my hands on, which isn't much more than a few sheets, a magazine and a paper cup. I just keep screaming as though it's all just going to disappear, everything – the jail, the people in it and the people and reasons why I'm there. Maybe if I just keep screaming it'll go away and I'll be back in Sunnydale, or even better, I'll be back in Boston with my mother just talking about shit that doesn't even matter but we pretend it does because we don't want to have to talk about that other stuff. *   
  
Why won't it fucking stop!? I can't handle this for much longer… I feel like I might just lose my shit momentarily and start screaming and making it all disappear, but I realize that last time it didn't get me anything but a beating from the guards on duty. It makes me think for a minute though – the last time I screamed it was because I thought I was being thrown away for good and the keys weren't even being thrown away, they were being burned. I thought my life was over and I didn't have a chance – but here I am, still wanting to scream, but as a free person. Granted I can't even go out and have a nice dinner without having to leave in order to not see a cop, but as of this moment I'm not behind bars.   
  
And that's when it hit me – I was afraid to go back.   
  
  
  
---  
  
"Coffee?" Andrew asked enthusiastically as Faith walks into the kitchen dragging her feet the entire way. Her eyes are barely open and she looks exhausted. She jumps slightly at the piercing sound of his voice and the high pitched tone in which he used to exemplify his enthusiastic offer. Accompanied by a groan she nodded and leans against the counter using it quite dependently to remain standing. Xander walks down the stairs… well, more like shuffles, but either way, he somehow makes it down to the kitchen where Andrew greets him also, "Coffee?" The same eager tone with the offer causing both Xander and Faith to jump slightly, just as Faith had done before alone, causing both of them to almost wince in pain of having to move so quickly.   
  
"Sleep well?" Andrew asks as he carries over two cups of coffee.   
  
"Peachy," Faith assures him, "could you put some milk and sugar in that?"   
  
"You know you kind of mess up the bad ass stereotype with softening up your coffee like that…"   
  
"Yeah, did you get weird looks in jail when you put stuff in your coffee?" Andrew asked bluntly as he started spooning the sugar into the drink.   
  
"Actually, we weren't allowed coffee."   
  
"I always thought-"   
  
"I burned some chicks face with it my first week… coffee privileges kind of disappeared after that."   
  
"Oh," Andrew said a little shocked. Although he thought she was remarkable for her heroism and her evil ways, he also was sort of in denial about it and had this picture of Faith as a nice, little, cuddly person. A lot of them had deluded themselves to that image… it was probably easier to accept. "I remember when I was ten, no wait, I was definitely nine and… and… one third… yeah, nine and one third, and I burned my finger really bad when I touched the car window."  
  
"Car window?" Xander asked confused.   
  
"Yeah, they get really hot when the sun's on them for a while…" he explained. "I think I even still have a scar from it," he said holding his pinky up to Faith to show her his impressive battle wound. She laughed slightly as he waved his finger in her face. She glanced quickly over at Xander without making her smile disappear figuring that he wouldn't even see her looking but his eyes caught hers and she couldn't help but linger a little longer and pass him his own subtle smile. "I even had to go to the hospital…"  
  
"Oh really," Faith said playing along. Xander leaned back on the wall watching her play with him. She grabbed his hand and kissed his pinky flashing him a quick wink as she did so. "All better."   
  
---  
  
"It's good to see you up and training," Giles states professionally as he walks into the workout room by Faith's bedroom. There isn't much there except for an oversized punching bag hanging from the ceiling and a few speakers scattered around the perimeter with tangled wires carelessly tossed on the ground. He watches her continue punching the bag viciously without even a slight acknowledgment of him. "Faith?" She punches continuously never even stopping for enough time to take a breath. "Faith…" Giles tries again finally walking towards the punching bag cautiously. He walks behind it so the bag is between him and Faith to avoid catching a stray punch. "Faith."   
  
She throws in a few more vicious assaults and finally grabs the bag to steady herself closing her eyes and catching her breath as her body heaves from the intense session. She sighs loudly as she now tilts her head against the bag for steadiness then tilts her head back and finally looks up at the ceiling.   
  
"Faith?"   
  
"What?" she asks still panting and never looking down to him.   
  
"A little intense for everyday training…"   
  
"I like it intense."   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
"Just cause a girl likes it rough something's gotta be wrong?"   
  
"Faith-"   
  
"I just wanna make sure I actually get some sleep tonight… with the whole lack of slaying thing I think I'm just a little hyper."   
  
"You're not sleeping well?"   
  
"Not really… didn't get much last night at all."   
  
"Were you with Xander?"   
  
"Why would I be with Xander?"   
  
"Come off it, Faith. Lately you two have been spending the night together, and-"  
  
"That's none of your business-"   
  
"There's nothing wrong with that. It's fine that you have a thing with-"   
  
"A thing!? There's-" she cuts herself off, "There's nothing wrong with it, but there's definitely something wrong with you-"  
  
"Faith, stop lying to yourself maybe just a for a few moments here and-"   
  
"I don't need this," she answers cutting him off and turning towards the door.   
  
"Faith, you need to tell me if something is upsetting you… I need to know-"   
  
"Yeah, you always need to fucking know… the same shit's bothering me that was since the day you met me… you didn't fix it then what the hell makes you think anything's going to be different this time around? Screw you and screw everyone else who thinks they have any clue on-"  
  
"Don't be so bloody impossible!"   
  
"Wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly good reputation-"   
  
"Of being a bloody self-loathing individual that's terrified of depending on someone?"   
  
"I'm out of here," she answered quickly grabbing her sweatshirt off of the floor by the door.   
  
"Faith, just stop it, would you?" he called following behind her closely. "Don't talk like that," he called as he followed her into her room.   
  
"I can't take this anymore! I'm big a girl, Giles, I can take care of myself!"   
  
*'I can take care of myself, Faith.'*  
  
"Faith, no one is denying that you can-"  
  
"I've been through more shit than you could even imagine, and I'm not one to march around singing about that shit like your princess Buffy, but I know what works for me and this isn't it-"   
  
"Faith, why are you attacking like this?"   
  
"I'm tired, okay?" she finally answers in a defeated tone.   
  
"That's fine," he answers cautiously knowing she's not fighting anymore, but she's still being just as self destructive if not more so. "Faith, no one is against you, okay?"   
  
"Whatever," she answers with a fake smile not hearing a word coming out of his mouth anymore. Giles sees how completely blocked out he is and sighs in frustration.   
  
"Faith, I want you to-"  
  
"Do something I'm not going to do," she answered cutting him off.   
  
"God, I thought Buffy was stubborn…"   
  
"Don't compare us," she snapped sharply. "There's no comparison."   
  
"You're both more similar then either of you would like to admit-"   
  
"Buffy hasn't been through half the shit I have…"   
  
"She's been through a lot!"   
  
"You're right," she answered defeated again. "My mistake."   
  
"Faith," Giles began knowing she was just blocking him out again, "you two have led very different lives…"   
  
"And as you said, her's has been so much harder than mine…"   
  
"Faith! No one is picking sides here!"   
  
"No, no one is ever picking sides, you're completely right."   
  
"Don't yes me to death, Faith."  
  
"You're right, I'm sorry," she answered cynically.   
  
"I give up," he answered with a sigh.   
  
"You gave up a long time ago."   
  
"That's not true!"   
  
"Of course not."   
  
---  
  
"So tomorrow we're starting the move," Robin said trying to spark conversation with Xander who was sitting on the couch staring off into space.   
  
"Need a hand with anything?"   
  
"Probably…"   
  
"Just let me know."   
  
"Okay." He paused a minute then began again, "How's Faith doing?"   
  
"How am I supposed to know?"   
  
"Hey," Kennedy greeted as she walked in.   
  
"Hey," Robin answered, "did you finish packing up Dawn's stuff?"   
  
"Yup, all done."   
  
"Okay," he answered as he left the room.   
  
"What's up?" she asked brightly towards Xander who could still pass as being asleep.   
  
"Nothing."   
  
"Faith's in a really bad mood."   
  
"That sucks."   
  
"Can you please talk to her?"   
  
"Why do you think me talking to her would make things any better?"   
  
"I just went to go talk to her and I could hear her and Giles screaming at each other from the hallway… I think you really need to talk to her."   
  
"In case you haven't realized, there's no talking to Faith when she's like that."   
  
"Yeah, I guess I was stupid to think you'd even bother to try."   
  
"You must really hate me, Kennedy."  
  
"I don' t… but God, I know how helpless she can make you feel, that's something she prides herself in being able to do, but why do you believe her?"  
  
"She's very convincing…"   
  
"You've got more power then she'll ever admit out loud…"   
  
Kennedy's words spoke more volumes then he would ever admit and he knew she had to be right. He nodded to her with a soft smile crossing his features in approval to her words.   
  
"She deals with a lot," he added softly after both sat there pensively. She nodded with a grin,   
  
"You can help."   
  
---  
  
It was coming close to eleven at night and everyone excluding a few had gathered in the living room to watch some television. It had become a sort of unwritten tradition for them all to at least watch a few commercials together before heading off to sleep. There had been a lot of packing and planning so the crowd was quite subdued, not to mention the intense factor of Faith was absent. Xander sat at the couch quickly glancing back and forth from the television to the doorway hoping to see her walk past, already sure she wasn't going to come in and join them.   
  
He deemed himself desperate for his incessant glances and a loser for not just going into her room to talk to her in the first place until he finally caught her heading towards the kitchen. He jumped to his feet and quickly walked after her into the kitchen.   
  
"Hey," he said as she reached the fridge. She turned softly towards him quickly glancing up at him before returning her eyes to the ground,   
  
"Hey."   
  
"Faith… can we talk a minute?" She shrugged her shoulders visibly in response as she closed the fridge now holding three beers in her hand,   
  
"Don't really think there's much to talk about…"   
  
"Faith… I'm trying here, okay."   
  
"Don't waste the energy on me," she answered surprisingly subdued as she began to walk out of the kitchen.   
  
"It's not a waste!" he snapped angry that she would degrade herself like that.   
  
"Believe me, it's a waste." She didn't even wait for a response – hell she didn't even look for one, she just turned and left the kitchen returning to her dark cave with beer in hand. With an audible sigh he turned to the fridge and also pulled out a beer knowing it was going to be far from his last that night. They had just bought the twelve pack and there were already five gone… he took the sixth with a raise of his eyebrows starting to realize how Faith was coping with everything.   
  
---  
  
  
  
He softly knocked at the door to her bedroom and received a quick,   
  
"What?" He walked in but stayed right at the door,  
  
"Am I still kicked out?" He looked over at her – she was sitting on her bed leaning against the wall with her knees drawn up to her chest holding both a cigarette and a Corona in her right hand.   
  
"Duh," she answered with a slight smile. He could tell looking at her and by the tone of her voice that it was more because she was a little drunk then because he had been forgiven.   
  
"Oh well that's a relief," he joked. He smiled hoping to get more of a feel on where she was but it made a deep impact when she smiled softly then turned her head to the side looking sadly at her shoulder. "Faith?" he asked cautiously entering the bedroom.   
  
"Come here," she offered softly holding her hand out towards him. He glanced over at the table next to her bed with two packs of cigarettes on it, one empty, the other with only half it's contents remaining, and five empty Corona's and a flask of Jack Daniels with about a third gone. After making a mental note that she was definitely very far away from sober he did as she said. This was not to say that in the twelve pack, he hadn't helped her finish it that night. He climbed onto the bed towards her and when he was close enough to her outreached hand he stopped and she touched his cheek softly. After looking deeply into his eyes he felt her other hand reach his hip and grab the waist of his jeans and his shirt and pull him towards her.   
  
"Faith," he managed to get out before she pressed her lips against his strongly. She pulled him onto her and she slid down underneath him moaning as she pressed up against him. "Faith," he said quickly separating himself from her, "you're drunk…"   
  
"And you're not?" she asked looking up at him with a smile. She reached up to the button on his jeans and quickly undid it.   
  
"That's the point… I don't want to do this while both of us are-"  
  
"At least you won't freak out… you're too fucking drunk to think – and I'm too fucking drunk to care even if you do…" she explained with way too much levity. "Come on," she urged as she leaned up and kissed his neck.   
  
"Faith, not like this," he said pulling away from her again.   
  
"Fine," she answered with a huff letting herself fall back onto the bed and just lie there staring up at him. He hovered above her looking contently down – he picked his hand up and moved a strand of hair from her face smiling softly at her. "I'm so fucking wasted," she admitted with a laugh.   
  
"I know," he answered smiling brighter at her. "Why don't I lie down over here," he explained slowly as he climbed off of her and laid on his side next to her, "and you stay right there so I can just look at you all night," he added running his fingers gingerly through her hair.   
  
"Yeah, look at me, that's a good one…"   
  
"Yeah," he answered placing a soft kiss on her forehead, "I might need to hold you a little too…"   
  
"Yeah," she answered gripping his shirt and pulling herself closer to him. He couldn't believe how good he felt just being able to be near her and hold her – he knew she wasn't sober, but knowing her alcohol tolerance, she was far from delirious. It meant a lot that she was both in a good mood wanting to be near him and she hadn't forced him to have to leave by being insistent on him putting out. She was definitely more sober than she was willing to admit to as she nestled closely to him. "I missed you last night," she muttered quietly. He stroked her hair,   
  
"I missed you too."   
  
---  
  
I had closed my eyes hours before and probably could've slept through the entire night had everything remained the same. I had my arms wrapped tightly around her making it clear to anyone and everyone that I never wanted to let her go, no matter what. And as much as she would talk and as good as she was at hurting me, Kennedy was right, she never wanted me to let go either. She felt safe and warm and wanted. I was ripped from my sleep as she shot bolt upright in bed with a hysterical scream. I jumped up quickly sitting up next to her as she fought to catch her breath and she glanced quickly around the room.   
  
"What's wrong?" I asked with concern putting an arm around her needing to remind her that she was still there since she was looking around like maybe she was somewhere else and didn't know how to get back. "Faith, it's okay…" I added with a squeeze. I was practically dumbfounded when she turned to me, still panting and close to hysterical and she grabbed me and pulled herself close to me burying her head on my chest and she started to cry. I pulled her close and held her strongly feeling a knot form in my throat at the sound of her tears.   
  
"Xander…" she said finally lifting her head up. She draped one of her arms over my shoulder stroking my neck with her thumb concentrating carefully on it to try and calm herself down as though I were the one that needed calming. "I can't take it anymore…" she said finally shaking her head back and forth. "I can't do it…"   
  
"Calm down," I answer her pushing her hair from her face. "It's okay…"   
  
"I don't want to see them anymore… I don't want to think about it all… why won't it just go away? I'm so sorry and… and it just won't stop," she explains as tears start to streak down her face again. "Why won't it just stop!?" she asked again grabbing her head as though it were painful.   
  
"It's okay," I tell her pressing my cheek against hers so I'm whispering into her ear as I hold her tightly.   
  
"I can't keep seeing it…"   
  
"Seeing what?"   
  
"Everything… everything in my head that I don't want to see, it's all I see and-" she stops as her voice cracks painfully. "Hold me," she says in a voice that could've been mistaken for a whimper. "Lie to me," she says to me as I hold her tightly.   
  
"What?" I ask softly.   
  
"Tell me you love me."   
  
"I wouldn't be lying." She nods softly to me as though she wishes I were lying, I suppose it's because it's easier for her to believe lies than to venture and believe in truths. I lie down on my back and pull her softly down on top of me; I hold her comfortingly around her back with one of my arms while the other strokes her hair. She lies there obviously deep in thought for quite a while before lifting her head so she's looking into my eyes as though she doesn't want to be lied to now, or at least if she is, she wants to know.   
  
"Don't leave me…"   
  
"I won't," I answer knowing how hard it was for her to say that. I can tell from her tone that that single fear is the root of everything – to be left is where all other aspects of her defensive nature spout from and are constantly fed since she feels constantly abandoned by everything. Her features soften in a way that shows a fear has been temporarily coaxed and she rests her head back on my chest tracing abstract figures with her fingertip on my chest.   
  
"I've been thinking about my mom a lot," she says barely loud enough for me to hear. She continues tracing her finger along my chest and it seems to be a sort of nervous habit.   
  
"Is that what woke you up?"   
  
"Kind of…"   
  
"What do you mean, kind of?"   
  
"It was more what happened after, but…"   
  
"After what?" I ask softly sure not to push too much. She doesn't answer and I ask, "did she leave you?" After a moment to process she answered in a tone that attempted to mask the amount of pain the memory had caused,   
  
"In a way, I guess…"   
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"   
  
"There's not really much to talk about…" she answered her voice becoming more and more anxious by the word.   
  
"Okay," I soothed. "You seemed pretty upset when you woke up…"   
  
*'Ricky's gonna make it all go away.'   
  
'No, I think you're wrong… I'm outta here.'  
  
'I don't think so.'  
  
'You're hurting me…'  
  
'Then stop trying to pull away.'   
  
'Get away from me!'   
  
'Better shut up, Faith, your dead mother might hear… don't worry, you're as fucking hot as they come, I won't last long… just keep quiet.'   
  
'No! Don't fucking touch me!' *  
  
"Yeah," she answered. "I don't want to talk about it…"   
  
"Sure," I answer pained by the expression on her face. I can tell what she's hiding hurts her and it makes my throat sting at the thought. I kiss her tenderly on her forehead never feeling this way about anyone ever before. I love Anya and she made me happy and I loved being with her – but Faith seemed to complete my world. She needed me and I was actually that essential piece in something to make it work. Anya and her are very different from each other and so are my feelings for each of them, neither better than the other just very different. My throat tightens as I think of Anya while wrapped around someone else but I'm able to coax it down knowing that I still love Anya and there's nothing wrong with that. It's something I'm going to be battling with for a very long time, but looking up at Faith I know it's completely worth it.   
  
"She killed herself," she says almost out of no where. I'm shocked that she just told me that and I almost can't believe she's telling me about her mother. Faith's never talked about anything negative from her past with anyone, only funny stories that she thought would be entertaining, and here she was telling me about the base of her entire life.   
  
"What?" I say the words slipping out of my mouth before I can even think.   
  
"I came home and found her in her bed with a knife…" her words were stuck and forced as she pushed each one out in separate breaths unable to get enough to get through a sentence, "she was still lying in her own blood and… and her boyfriend was there and he just shrugged it off like it was nothing and said she had a bad trip…"   
  
"What happened after?" I ask remembering that she said that wasn't what had woken her, but what had happened afterwards.   
  
"What?" she asks seeming confused.   
  
"You said something happened after… what did he do to you?" I ask angrily realizing what happened but the thought being so awful that I needed to her tell me I was wrong.   
  
"He grabbed me and…" she trailed off getting up off of the bed and walking towards the window as she continued slowly, "he said he was going to make it all better… he raped me…" she told me as I jumped off the bed to go over to her. I walked over quickly but cautiously and placed my hands on either side of her face making her look at me. "He raped me right outside of the room where my mother was fucking lying dead in a pool of blood! She fucking left me and nothing but bad things fucking happened to me after that."   
  
"Shh…" I say pleading with her to calm down even though I can't make myself do so. I press my cheek against hers holding her close to me as though I could just make it all go away. I feel infuriated and I wish I could've protected her from everything that she went through, and I feel helpless since I couldn't. "I don't know what to say…" I admit finally looking at her. Her eyes are threatening to allow passage to the tears welled within them but she keeps herself from crying.   
  
"I've never told anyone before… guess I have a good reason to be so screwed up, huh?" I can see small tears escaping from the sides of his eyes and he tries to hide it by wrapping his arms around me. He kisses me on my forehead again before pulling me into him closer. "You know, it's not very manly to cry…"   
  
"I'm never going to let anyone hurt you again."   
  
It's a lie, I know it is… but it's a lie I want to be true – I don't want to get hurt anymore. Breathing hurts because of all the pain inside of me; it's a lie that I venture to believe. 


	12. Part XII

Adjustment – Part XII   
  
As I open my eyes I notice a strange feeling within them. It's not one that I'm completely unlearned to, but it's a feeling I haven't experienced very often in my life. The feeling of waking up after crying for so many hours till you just finally give in to the soporific affect of the salty tears. They're sore and kind of sticky from their dryness but too easily focused on everything around me. I move slightly my body completely numb from lying in the same position for so long but I don't move much because I don't want to leave his arms. What's wrong with me? Making sure not to move too much… that's so not me! I'm usually making the guys wake up and get the fuck out if they actually got me tired enough to fall asleep. But this is different – it's not me, it's not what I'm used to – everything's so different.   
  
I know I've never, in my entire life, spent the night in someone's arms crying about the shit I've been through or done… not even after having one of those bad drunk moments where no matter what you just start crying about past romantic woes. I'm the one who's always making fun of those people… I don't know what's happening to me. Waking up like this is a double affect – I feel like shit from crying and I feel like an asshole for it too, but on the flip side I don't want to be anywhere else but wrapped up with him. I don't know what I'm doing… Now what the hell am I doing!? I ask even as I pick my head up off of his chest and meet his lips softly with mine. His eyes open slowly and I lay my head back on his chest slowly running my fingers along it as well.   
  
"Morning," he says dryly following a groan as he shifts underneath me.   
  
"Hey," I say with a smile lifting my head up to look down at him. I kiss him again softly and he smiles as I look down again.   
  
"Feeling better?"   
  
"I don't know…" I answer honestly looking deep into his eyes.   
  
"What?" he asks seeing the pensive look lingering in my eyes. I blush slightly not sure if I want to get into this now, but with a final urging squeeze from his hands on my back I answer,   
  
"You could do anything to me right now…" I know he remembers the flip side of my words, but what I've just admitted to him calms his nerves. He looks up at me and I push my hair behind my head never breaking eye contact with him.   
  
"Why did you do it?" he finally asks knowing it's something he shouldn't ask but that he won't be able to forget about it without knowing. I take a deep breath but it doesn't bring an answer any closer.   
  
"I don't know…" I admit, "you hurt me, I hurt you, theory I guess… it doesn't make any sense, I know… I really don't know – there was so much going on and I just-"   
  
"They didn't do right by you…"   
  
"Yeah, well, you can't expect anything from anyone…"   
  
"You never could, could you?" he asked tucking a piece of hair behind my ear before gently brushing my cheek with his hand. I blush again looking away – mushy moments were never really my thing and he's starting to get that.   
  
"I mean it, you know?"   
  
"About what?"   
  
"You could really hurt me… it's hard for me to be okay with that," I admit to him. I've never felt so defenseless or helpless and so good at the same time. It feels nice to just have someone to count on being there, even though I'm just starting to adjust to it. It's so conflicting in my mind though – to trust someone enough to feel this way is way off track for me, and then to go and admit it! That's completely off…   
  
"Trust is hard." A soft smile traces my features as I look down on him and there's nothing but truth in his eyes and even though it's a constant battle in my head, I finally just shut it out and rest my head on his chest right under his head. He drapes his arms around me softly and I meet the soft skin of his neck with my lips. I kiss him tenderly for a few moments slowly climbing towards his ear where I finally whisper softly surprising both him and myself equally,   
  
"I love you…" I pause for a long moment then admit, "it's hard for me to be okay with that too…" He smiles brightly back at me and kisses me deeply.   
  
---  
  
"Why don't you go ask Faith what she wants," Robin said to Dawn in the kitchen. The usual crowd had gathered for breakfast and there was absolutely nothing but empty cardboard boxes to eat. Robin had offered to go shopping with Dawn and Kennedy and grab some stuff for breakfast.   
  
"Come with me," she said grabbing Kennedy's arm.   
  
"Scared of Faith?"   
  
"Early in the morning – always!" she answered with a laugh, "and especially after her mood lately."   
  
"I'm coming," Kennedy said following her out of the kitchen. They walked down the hallway and down the small staircase into the dim hallway. Dawn knocked lightly on the door, so lightly Kennedy could hardly hear it so it was no surprise that there was no response.   
  
"She's sleeping… let's go – wouldn't want to wake her up."   
  
"Dawn, come on," Kennedy said laughing. She knocked and called, "Faith?"   
  
"What?" was the response, a little too awake and clarified to keep Kennedy's curiosity down so she walked into the room,   
  
"Oh, you're awake," not at all surprised to see both of them on the bed together. Dawn wasn't surprised but she was slightly embarrassed so she turned on her heals and exited the room as quickly as she had entered. Kennedy stood where she was trying to hide the huge grin on her face. She absolutely loved seeing them together, and if she thought she couldn't hide the grin on her face, seeing the look on Faith's made it clear she wasn't the only one. "Breakfast? Either of you…" she asked with a grin.   
  
Xander propped himself up on his elbows behind himself and Faith lifted up supporting herself with her arm. Both were fully clothed so Kennedy knew they had just had a long night of cuddling, which, knowing Faith, probably meant more than anything else would have. Kennedy couldn't stop smiling seeing how close the two of them were, and to add to it, neither of them moved away from each other when she walked in. Not that she expected Faith to be the type to try and cover up anything like that but if it wasn't real, Xander probably would've been embarrassed to just lie there with her. With an inner nod of acceptance Kennedy accepted the two of them as made for each other.   
  
"There's nothing here to eat," Xander finally stated.   
  
"We were going to run out and get groceries and breakfast… we're getting a bunch of snack food too since we're doing the moving today."   
  
"Oh yeah, Giles said we were moving into the other place today," Xander remembered.   
  
"Get me hangover food," Faith said before lying back down on the bed. Kennedy watched Xander look down at her lovingly and she couldn't help but feel a chill rush through her – she was so happy for them.   
  
"Whatever you guys are getting for breakfast is good," he said finally looking up away from her and towards Kennedy. She nodded and answered,   
  
"Okay," and he lowered back down on the bed as well and Kennedy watched him looking down at her affectionately stroking her hair and lying right next to her. She thought she was happy with that, but then she saw Faith move closer to him and tangle her leg in his and she knew that both of them were equally hooked.   
  
"Stop smiling," Faith called over to her as she started to walk out.   
  
"Only when you stop," she joked as she walked out knowing nothing could get the smile off her face. "They are so cute!" Kennedy said to Dawn as she reached her in the hallway.   
  
"Yeah," Dawn agreed plainly.   
  
---  
  
"So what's the plan?" Xander asked Giles as he walked into the kitchen. It was empty except for Willow who was standing by the counter putting a cup of coffee together.   
  
"Good morning," Giles greeted. He glanced at his watch barely consciously but making a mental note that it was past ten.   
  
"Hey Wil."   
  
"Morning," she answered with a smile. "You going to help us with the move?"   
  
"I guess so," he answered, "I also wanted to get a few things fixed up around here too… I'm feeling ambitious today."   
  
"Gee," Willow said with a grin. "Ambitious, huh?"   
  
"I was going to have Faith pick Buffy up at the airport… do you think that's a good idea?" Giles asked changing the subject, but so not changing it at the same time. He flashed a grin over at Willow, which was returned.   
  
"I don't think she really has a license, Giles…"   
  
"You wouldn't mind going along, would you?" he asked.   
  
"What time's the Buff-ster getting in?"   
  
"Four."   
  
"No problem… I guess I'll help you guys load up for the move and then work on stuff around here until then."   
  
"Sounds like we have a plan," Giles answered with a smile.   
  
---  
  
The house could be likened to a bees nest as everyone walked back and forth from the garage to various rooms in the house. Andrew mostly did the walk empty handed both ways just trying to appear busy not wanting to admit to anyone that he didn't know what to do.   
  
"Here," Faith offered walking over to him finally. He looked puzzled as he was handed a clipboard. She tucked a pen behind his ear for good effect and then stepped back a step, "now that's better…"   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Now you at least look like you know what you're doing… don't worry," she said leaning towards him, "that's all most guys have going for them," she added with a wink. He was a bit puzzled by her but he accepted the clipboard and now stood in the middle of the hallway confident that he was playing the right part. He even went as far as to start directing people vaguely as to where to go and what to do. Xander watched the whole scene from the door to the garage and couldn't help but smile. Wood walked over to him to take one of the boxes he was holding and glanced over at the scene himself,   
  
"She's a fun girl," he said patting Xander on the back then taking the box from him. He nodded with a smile as he handed off the box then glanced back over at Faith to see her walking away and leaving Andrew with a new sense of confidence in himself standing there contently. He couldn't help but laugh to himself and shake his head slightly in disbelief.   
  
"Faith?" Giles called over to her. She handed the box she was holding to Wood who almost fell from the weight of it and turned to him, "Can you and Kennedy go and buy some white paint?"   
  
"Yeah," she answered. He handed her some cash and added,   
  
"Tell them we need enough for a large room… they should know the right amount."   
  
"Okay. Kennedy, let's go!"   
  
---  
  
"You've still got that stupid grin plastered across your face," Faith said as they drove out of the garage.   
  
"As do you," she answered confidently. "You two are so cute together…"   
  
"Don't call me cute," Faith warned as she processed the fact that she had just been called cute.   
  
"All snuggle and cuddle… that's cute!"   
  
"It's very unlike me," Faith clarified quickly.   
  
"I know," Kennedy admitted. "It kind of looked like you liked it though," she added with a smile.   
  
"You're going to get knocked out, kid," she warned with a laugh. "You know, I never stop shocking myself… every time I stop and look back on my life I always have to say, 'damn, look what I did this time…' I mean last time I was sitting in a solitary cell staring out the barred window never knowing if I was going to leave and not really caring. I was the fucking bad ass that no one was celled with because I didn't get along with anyone… and now I'm fucking cute because I'm cuddling with some guy who I'm falling for… need I say, 'damn!'"   
  
"You're funny," Kennedy said with a smile. "You're cool as shit though," she praised.   
  
"How do you figure that one? I'm nothing but a bad example to you guys."   
  
"I wanna watch you and Buffy battle it out, because everyone says I'm wrong, but you could so take her…"   
  
"So I'm cool because you think I can beat Buffy?"   
  
"No, I'm just saying…"   
  
"Haven't beaten her yet…" Faith answered knowing in her head that she had never one hundred percent wanted to hurt Buffy, and that was probably that ounce of strength that separated the two of them in battle.   
  
"Just the baggage you deal with… I remember not being able to talk to girls in school when I spilled juice on their new shirts by accident! You fucking came back to Sunnydale! What the hell did Willow say to you to convince you to come back?"   
  
"She told me Buffy needed help…"   
  
---  
  
"Alright, you guys all packed up?" Xander asked as everyone piled into the two vehicles, the truck practically overflowing with stuff.   
  
"Yup," Wood answered as he started up the truck.   
  
"I don't want to go," Andrew whined as Kennedy shoved him into the car.   
  
"You're going," she said pushing him down into the back seat. She knew Faith and Xander had been planning on staying and she wanted to make sure everyone else was out of their way for them to be able to have the house to themselves. They finally drove out of the garage and Xander and Faith returned inside of the house.   
  
"So you going to dress up like a construction boy for me and fix up the house?" she joked playfully.   
  
"Well, I've got the tool belt right here," he said clipping it on. "The hat might be a tad overboard though…"   
  
"Once you've lost the shirt you can add the hat," she advised. He laughed and headed for one of the drafty windows in the living room to start. She listened to him working for a few minutes in the kitchen then went to her room and changed before going into her little workout room and training for an hour. She returned back to the living room afterwards but he wasn't there. She walked over to the main hall and found him fixing the banister to the stairs to the bedroom floor.   
  
"Get all hot and sweaty without me?" he asked seeing her shirt was soaked and her hair was pulled back.   
  
"Couldn't wait for you," she teased. He played along placing a pout on his face. "Come on, take a break for a little while…"   
  
"Okay," he said with a nod following her down to the kitchen. She poured him a glass of water which he took appreciatively from her. He was almost surprised that she had gotten it for him and couldn't help but notice it as unusual. She walked up close to him and kissed his neck affectionately. He drank it down quickly and added, "taste good."   
  
"Are you okay?" she asked hearing the tint of anxiety in his tone. She looked up at him to prove that she wasn't just asking.   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine," he answered with a smile putting the glass down on the counter. He leaned down and kissed her lips to prove it to her before reaching around her and pulling her in closely to him. Her wet shirt felt good against his skin and he could taste the salt on her lips as he kissed her passionately, tasting every bit of her as he ran his tongue along hers and her hands holding the sides of his face strongly only added to the addiction.   
  
"Oh my God," she sighed as she broke away from him to take a breath. His lips instantly found the hot skin on her neck only making it harder for her to catch her breath. "Xander, don't get me too wound up," she panted as he ran his hands underneath her shirt and held her waist firmly as he kissed her neck.   
  
"Why not?" he teased glancing up at her. "You look like you might just pop…"   
  
"I kind of feel that way too," she admitted kissing his lips.   
  
"I'm feeling pretty up for it," he teased again flashing her a grin.   
  
"Just as long as you don't keep me hanging again, boy," she answered with a devilish smirk as she grabbed him through his jeans while flashing him a wink. He stiffened slightly with her shift, which she noticed almost immediately, "sorry…" she said immediately softening her composure again, "didn't mean to get all outta line…"   
  
"It's okay," he comforted placing his hands around her waist to assure her he wasn't just saying it.   
  
"I need you," she admitted looking to kiss him again but waiting for his complete allowance before doing so. Constant slogans ran through her head in a calm chanting sort of way, *keep it down a notch, Faith… take it easy with him… don't scare him… play it nice…*. Playing the docile female in bed was as far-fetched as… well… really far fetched! Most guys like a bad girl in the sack and luckily she fit that role pretty tight. He guided her down the hallway towards her bedroom holding her waist and kissing her tenderly as they walked. They fumbled their way down the five stairs and down the small hallway and finally into her bedroom. Her shirt was immediately shed by his hands and tossed onto the floor as was his as soon as he was done with hers.   
  
She seemed to be just waiting for him and not really pushing things in any way, kind of blatantly unsure of how this whole passive thing worked. She reassured herself that she was good at playing along and she was doing just fine. He seemed to be taking care of matters just fine on his own. He kicked off his shoes as she did with hers as he kissed her neck passionately running his hands up and down her waist. Finally he reached for her pants and slowly pulled the stretching waistband of her sweatpants over her hips and allowed them to fall. She stepped out of them and stood in front of him smiling softly over at him. He quickly grabbed for the button on his jeans and undid it but as he slid the fly down he stopped and refocused his gaze upon her. She stood there, just a few inches from him, but it just didn't seem like her. He was slightly reassured that it felt different then the other times they had been in this position together, probably because this position wasn't the one they were in… but, something seemed withdrawn.   
  
"Are you okay?" he asked softly looking at her features closely.   
  
"I'm just keeping it slow for you," she answered raising her hand and draping her arm over his shoulder. He took a final glance at her gorgeous body standing there in matching black underwear and he couldn't help but smile widely at her before recommencing in kissing her. She breathed him in deeply as they finally fell together onto the bed their bodies melding together as the motion of their bodies moving together matched the rhythm of their every breath. The feeling of his sweaty flesh pressed up again her own made her senses feel electric and feeling him pulsing within her brought her over the edge.   
  
She moaned his name as he did hers as the two of them… well, Xander viewed it completely as making love whereas she could comprehend it only strictly as a good lay. She had remained under him knowing the freak factor would be at a minimal if they avoided him thinking of the last time so as she caught her breath he looked down at her lovingly. To his dismay catching direct eye contact with her for more than a mere flash was at a minimal, but he allowed it to be pushed to the back of his mind for the time being.   
  
"I love you," he said confidently smiling down at her. He could immediately feel her tense beneath him and was unsure of what to do.   
  
"You made me sweat," she answered nonchalantly pushing him off of her, almost weakly to his surprise but also to his fortune, and then she quickly stood grabbing the sheet as she went and quickly wrapping it around herself.   
  
"Faith?" He looked at her face unable to even now look at her eyes since she expertly avoided looking back into his. He could see her shaking from where he sat, "I mean it," he pushed.   
  
"I don't care what you mean… it doesn't matter…" she muttered under her breath so he knew she was only disagreeing with him but couldn't make out all of the words. He pulled his boxers off of the floor and quickly tried to scramble into them. He finally stood from the bed and motioned towards her,   
  
"Faith… did I hit a nerve?" Even though she had her back towards him he watched her quickly dry a few tears from her eyes with her hand and wipe her nose before shaking her head. "Don't block me out, Faith," he said walking over to her and touching her shoulder. She shrunk away from his touch as though his hand was scalding her flesh even releasing a painful cry as she did so. "Woah!" Xander jumped back unsure of what he could possibly do to rectify the situation seeming as how he was trying to do so when it had suddenly just gotten a hell of a lot worse.   
  
"I just… I… I need to shower," she stammered still avoiding looking at him as she made her way towards the bathroom.   
  
The water was a haven… or was it? Probably some deep routed psychological mumbo jumbo about wanting to be back inside your mother's womb. *Not only is that wicked deep, that's just wicked gross!* she chided herself with a slight curl of her lip and sunken expression as she shook her head of the thought.   
  
*'Honestly, and not 'cause you think I'll yell, how do I look?'   
  
'You look wicked gorgeous, ma, honest to God.'   
  
'Thanks! Faith, don't touch my lipsticks! God, you know how that pisses me off!'   
  
'I was just picking you out a color…'  
  
'Get lost, would you?'*   
  
She sighed audibly into the running water staring into it even though it stung as it met her unshielded eyes. *Why did he have to say he loved me? Guys are so fucking predictable! 'Hey, just wanted to make sure at least one of us freaked out before our night of fucking was over!'* she mocked in her head able to completely shift the point of what happened into a complete generalization that's focus was absolutely different while still being able to satisfy her defenses. Talented, huh?  
  
---  
  
*It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay* Xander chanted in his head as he paced nervously back and forth in her room. *What did I do? I… I… I don't know what to do… why? Why does she…* with that he slammed his fist into the wall as hard as he could letting out a fierce groan as he did so.   
  
"Kill that wall dead – don't worry I saw the dirty look it gave you," she mocked as she re-entered the bedroom.   
  
"I…" he answered slightly stuttering as he whipped around towards her heard voice. "I was just…"   
  
"Taking on that wall… very manly of you," she answered with a grin. He didn't like the way she was acting – he could tell from her tone and expressions that she was battling some internal war over something he had sparked. A fire inside of her was burning deep into her conscience at the root of all of her pain therefore the outside world and all of it's outsiders were exactly that. He was her joke, the one thing he had feared being and why he had wanted it to be so special before he actually slept with her again so that she wouldn't be able to put him into that role. *Should've known she was going to be able to do it anyway…*   
  
"Faith, I meant what I said…"   
  
"Which is why you were picturing my face right there," she said gesturing towards the wall in which he had just punched with a laugh. "I'll see you later, I gotta go pick up B."   
  
"I can come with you…"   
  
"No need."   
  
"Giles asked me to." He answered quickly. Her expression immediately sank with disappointment that her perfectly planned out had just fallen through. He felt the need to explain himself rather than just stand behind Giles so he added quickly hoping her smile would perk back up again, "there's going to be cops all over that place; you shouldn't be going alone."   
  
"There's no need for both of us to go…"  
  
"Fine, Faith…" he answered shortly as he turned to leave the room grabbing his shirt off of the bed.   
  
"What?" she asked sharply hearing his tone and knowing that he had just left her standing there and definitely not the other way around. She walked after him down the hallway and up the small flight of stairs towards the garage.   
  
"You're right," he continued in a slightly patronizing tone, "there's no reason for us to be anywhere near each other now… you got what you wanted and now I leave… I'm catching on to the pattern, don't worry."   
  
He got into the drivers seat of the car and she stood back as he closed it loudly. After the slam she stood next to the door looking angrily down at him until he glanced up at her pretending as though he hadn't felt her eyes boring down into him making him feel like he was ignited. He pressed the button to roll the window down and glanced nonchalantly back up at her, "if you're not done arguing with me get in the car… either way, I've got to go. She was calling herself a moron before she even moved from her spot for listening to him. Finally she walked around the front of the car and got into the passenger seat slamming the door as she sat. After a long silence as he drove out of the garage and onto the city street and towards the airport she finally spoke up again.   
  
"Don't talk to me like that."   
  
"Like what, Faith? Talk to you all nice like you're actually a human being and not some worthless slut I'm just getting some ass from? Talk to you like someone I'm in love with?"  
  
"You're not in love with me!" she screamed at him fiercely. She wanted to appear to be full of anger but he not only saw the pain he could hear it in her voice as it cracked when she yelled.   
  
"Sorry, Faith, but unlike some things, you can't control me or the way I feel about you."   
  
"It was meaningless," she spat viciously. Xander's jaw clenched as soon as her words filled his ears. Now he didn't want to even be anywhere near her. He pressed the radio on quickly wanting to distract himself from pulling off the road and telling her she was full of it – calmly and softly of course. Instead he concentrated on the road and the music now filling the car. He ignored her and her constant nervous shifting in her seat both needing and not wanting a reaction from him. As he pulled into a space in the airport parking lot he finally glanced over at her and a lead bullet hit his heart as he saw her shaking and her eyes welling up with tears but not a single one being admitted to fall.   
  
"Faith…" he said softly as he turned the car off and pulled the key out of the ignition. "I think-"   
  
"I don't care what you think," she snapped in a broken tone. He took a breath to ease his nerves and calmly asked the way a father might,  
  
"You going to wait here?"   
  
"Fine." The word was curt but her tone didn't necessarily make it more so – she had realized he was dealing with her and the way she was acting and for that she was grateful. 


	13. Part XIII

Adjustment – Part XIII  
  
*'Faith, what's up?'  
  
'Hey Katherine…'  
  
'You get into a fight last night?'   
  
'What?'  
  
'You look pretty fucked up…'   
  
'Oh… yeah, sorry, I'm kind of blown out.'   
  
'So who'd you have a rumble with?'   
  
'Nah… no ruckus, just a good lay…'   
  
'Oh… kind of rough, don't you think?'   
  
'It's how I like it.'   
  
'Where you going?'   
  
'Out.'   
  
'You going to stop by later?'   
  
'Yeah, sure…'   
  
'That's what you said about last night.'   
  
'Sorry… I just wasn't going to turn down a lay like that, you know.'   
  
'Faith, you're really bruised up…'   
  
'Yeah, like I said I like it-'   
  
'Rough… right. I heard what you said and you're lying.'   
  
'Excuse me?'   
  
'Faith, who hit you?'   
  
'I'll catch you later, alright?'   
  
'Yeah, whatever.'*   
  
*'Faith? Is that you?'   
  
'Yeah,' she answered as she walked from the dark hallway into   
  
her mother's small bedroom. She remained by the doorway just peering her head in quietly waiting to be yelled at or told to do something.   
  
'Well… aren't you going to come in here? I don't bite…'   
  
'Most of the time,' she answered immediately brightening up and walking towards her bed.   
  
'Sit down you little firecracker,' she said tugging on her arm playfully. She climbed happily into the bed, which she forced herself to ignore reeked of whiskey and alcohol. She sat casually next to her on the bed facing her and just barely touching sides with her but basking in the closeness she could have on such a rare occasion.   
  
'Where's Ricky?'   
  
'Who cares,' she answered with a grin. The smile was certainly contagious as one immediately spread over Faith's face. 'You're hair's getting long – it's so beautiful…'   
  
'Thanks…'   
  
'It's wet… did you just shower?'   
  
'Nah, I still have to… I just went swimming up by the quarry, you know up by the park.'   
  
'Yeah, I know where about that is… I've been there a few times.'   
  
'Oh yeah! You know that cliff way up high off the side of it?'   
  
'Yeah, I do!'   
  
'I jumped it!'   
  
'No shit! That's my girl, Faith. Show them how it's done.'   
  
'Yeah, all the other kids were too scared.'   
  
'I bet you did it just fine.'   
  
'Five by five, you know…'   
  
'You'll have to take me some time to show me.'  
  
'Can we go tomorrow? I could take you tomorrow and we could make a day out of it and it'd be so much fun and we could-'   
  
'Yeah,' she cut her off with a laugh, 'we can go tomorrow, just calm down… you get awfully excited over simple things…'   
  
'It's just we don't get to… you know, spend too much time together…'   
  
'I know…'   
  
  
  
'Mom? Mom… hey, Ma? You passed out or something? Mom? You awake? Mom?'*   
  
The scene flashes quickly before my eyes before I'm able to stop myself from thinking about it and see her lying in blood soaked sheets where I'm sure she stayed for days on end. I slam my feet against the dashboard annoyed with myself for thinking about her. I haven't been able to think about her without seeing her dead body since the day it happened. Since the day it was time for me to suck it up and realize my innocence not only was gone but had really never existed. There was no denying that life was bad and it was only going to get worse and I was going to end up dead, alone and a loser.   
  
I practically lose my shit as Xander slides the key into the drivers door and I hear it click open as he opens the door. I jump in my seat and turn to face him with a look that wasn't hiding anything as he looked me cautiously over.   
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Scared me, that's all."   
  
"Sorry," he apologizes still looking at me and knowing something's wrong. He's still hurt by what I said, it's clearly written across his features but his concern is growing for me rapidly. I shrug off his apology and immediately act as though nothing's wrong.   
  
"Hey, B! How's it hanging?"   
  
"Hey, Faith," she answers with a groan sliding into the backseat of the car begrudgingly.   
  
"Don't look so happy to see me," I answer her. "You look about as happy to see me now as you did when-"  
  
"No need to refresh old memories," she said cutting me off quickly, which was fine since I was juggling with which time to say anyhow, unfortunately there had been a few.   
  
"Life's nothing without the mems, B…" I add with a smile not caring whether anyone else in the car can catch onto the complete equivocation of my words.   
  
"So how'd everything go on your little get away?" Xander said after a few moments of silence that filled the car uncomfortably.   
  
"It was fine," she answered shortly.   
  
"You sound beat," Xander suggested giving her an excuse for her uncalled for attitude.   
  
"Yeah…" She could tell as soon as she saw Xander standing there in the airport waiting for her that things had started to roll forward between him and Faith. He had that same soft grin across his face and this newly worn pride and responsibility that he felt belonged to him now… God, didn't he learn anything the last time around? If there was any doubt in her mind that the two of them had finally slept together as soon as she saw the way he looked at her in the car, it was unmistakable.   
  
Her complete indifference towards him and his concern that he wasted on her completely unmatched by his affectionate glances and heartfelt apologies. It was enough to make her sick… or at least rekindle some of the reasons she had come to truly not like Faith. Why was it that she could just walk into any situation and walk out with anything she wanted, including anyone she wanted? It just didn't seem right, or fair! She would get bored of him, if she hadn't already, and she would crush his heart exactly the way she did last time – hopefully excluding the attempted murder part, but that didn't make it completely out of the question.   
  
---  
  
"Hey," Faith greeted softly to Wood as she entered the kitchen.   
  
"Hi, Faith," he said with a tint of surprise in his tone.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Nothing…" he answered with a grin seeing she wanted to talk a lot more than the last time he had tried. "So are you jumping out of your skin as much as Kennedy is?"  
  
"Probably."   
  
"When are you guys going to start patrolling again?"   
  
"Giles said we're probably going to start training regularly again this week and maybe next week we'll start… there's not much action lately, I guess even the undead were a little shaken by the collapse of the hellmouth."   
  
"Seems like everyone was sort of shaken… how are your bruises?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Your bruises from the fight, you showed them to me…" he explained.   
  
"Oh… yeah, they're gone."   
  
"Good."   
  
"I'll see you later," she finally added as she grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and walked towards her bedroom.   
  
She walked into the room taking long sips from the Corona. She stopped short as she noticed Xander sitting on the edge of her bed looking over at her then quickly resumed as though she hadn't been slightly startled. She pulled off her leather jacket she was wearing and tossed it onto the bed behind where Xander was sitting then walked over to his side and held out her beer offering it to him. He took it cautiously, then, noticing her casualness sipped at it and watched her. She continued around the room nonchalantly stopping in front of the mirror and running a finger over her lips to smooth her lipstick. She sat down on a chair and unlaced her boots and pulled them off. She looked up at him from where she sat knowing she would meet his eyes immediately. She smiled seductively at him then stood and walked towards him.   
  
"What exactly did you mean by meaningless?" he asked proving her words were still ringing in his ears. She sighed aloud as she looked down at him then moved closer and sat on his lap facing him with her knees bent on the bed and her arms draped over his shoulders. His body ached hungrily from the feeling of her body against his and he wanted nothing else than to have her again but the hurt that she was able to cause afterwards was still rooted inside of him. It occurred to him then that perhaps her harsh reactions were only a cause of her fear of the pain he could also inflict upon her afterwards! His brain immediately went blank as she lowered her lips to where they just barely touched his with her head cocked to the side as she answered,   
  
"I just don't like being lied to…" With that she ended her sentence by finally pushing her lips against his in a hard, lustful kiss. On the brink of being taken by her lips captivating dance upon his he allowed her to kiss him but found the opportunity for closing it so he could answer her. He held her waist securely wanting to be sure she knew he still wanted her,   
  
"Faith, I never lied to you."   
  
"You don't love me," she answered nonchalantly with a smile lowering down and kissing him again. This time he abruptly ended the kiss and looked at her almost angrily,   
  
"Yes, I do." She laughed again and answered,   
  
"Don't be silly."   
  
"Faith!"   
  
"You're angry," she stated readjusting herself on top of him so she was pressed up against him even more. "I'll give you a way to vent… do whatever you want to this body. Hurt me," she stated teasing his lips with hers as she spoke. He could barely match the voice as her own as she spoke to him like this.   
  
"Faith, what the hell are you talking about?" He pulled his face away from hers avoiding her lips as she motioned to kiss him again.   
  
"No kissing… the whole intimacy thing, I get it," she answered plainly as she pulled her shirt off. She lowered down and ran her tongue up his neck until she reached his ear which she teased between her teeth.   
  
"Faith, no. I'm not going to let you act this way," he said shaking his head and pushing her gently away by her waist. He didn't want her to think he was turning her down but he wasn't about to let her act as though she were with some masochistic asshole who didn't genuinely care about her.   
  
"How do you want me to act then?" she asked as though she were just some hooker playing a role.   
  
"How about you act like Faith?" he asked almost angrily.   
  
"How do you know that I'm not?"   
  
"I'm not in the mood for mind games."   
  
"Doesn't seem like you're in the mood for much…" she groaned swinging her leg around and falling lazily onto the bed next to him.   
  
"When I said I loved you I wasn't lying, but I don't enjoy being around you when you act like this," he stated bluntly stand up and heading for the door. He was utterly shocked when he heard her jump up after him and grab at his arm pleading him not to go.   
  
"Don't leave," she said in a tone that had her practically begging.   
  
"Then stop," he reprimanded. She looked up at him feeling like a little kid who just was scolded by their father – she was completely baffled at how often she felt like that around him. She couldn't help but connect that the only two men that she had ever really trusted had a very fatherly role in her life, which seemed so strange but an undeniable pattern.   
  
"I'll stop," she agreed, her tone dropping any excessive, fake sexiness that she had added to it before. Her voice had that naturally and when she consciously added it, for some audiences it was great but sometimes it just seemed excessive. "Just don't leave…"   
  
"What's bugging you?" he asked turning back towards her with a softer expression.   
  
"Nothing new," she answered admitting he wasn't wrong without having to answer the question. She stood in front of him now holding his arm to make sure he didn't leave. He met her waist with his hand and without much encouragement he felt her draw herself closer to him and press up against him affectionately resting her head on his shoulder facing his neck. Her warm breath softly meeting the sensitive skin on his neck was reward enough for not giving up on her and creating a relationship. "Just don't leave," she muttered softly as though she had heard his thoughts from being so close to him.   
  
"I'm not going anywhere," he answered as he ran his fingers over her hair.   
  
---  
  
"You sure shine up nice," Kennedy stated as she walked past Robin in the hallway. She stopped and looked him up and down carefully starting at the nicely fitted jeans, the hugging white shirt covered by a *nice* leather jacket.   
  
"Thanks," he answered with a smile. The girls of the house were just surprising him left and right tonight… "Hopefully you won't be the only one to think so."   
  
"You going out?"   
  
"Yeah, I am." He gave her a last smile and headed towards the garage but stopped as she asked,   
  
"Can I talk to you for a second?"   
  
"Of course," he answered and she followed him to the garage.   
  
"I'm not criticizing, that's my initial disclaimer since I've been told that I usually give off the impression that I am…"  
  
"Okay," he answered clearly amused by her preface.   
  
"Why did you stop things between you and Faith? This is purely out of curiosity and nothing else…"   
  
"Purely?" he asked with a smile, "you mean Faith didn't send you out here to ask me? Since I'm sure she really cared…" he joked but clearly there was some truth to what he said.   
  
"Completely selfish mission," she assured him.   
  
"Well, I knew from the start that Faith had some issues she was dealing with, and so was I, which initially was what made me feel so connected with her and actually more comfortable around her, despite her constant efforts to disconnect herself. Honestly, once I got to know her more I realized we were too similar and we dealt with problems in very similar ways, which was only going to discourage her in the long run to deal with her problems. We were going to counterbalance each other too much and just allow one another to deal with issues, and really insecurities, in completely the wrong way because both of us really deal with them the same way."   
  
"I think I get it," Kennedy answered appreciatively. He really had meant nothing but good for her in what he had done, and she really hoped Faith knew that. Well, if she didn't, she made a mental note to make sure she brought it up. "So where you going?" she asked as he moved towards the car again.   
  
"To deal with my issues and insecurities in completely the wrong way," he answered with a smile as he got into the car. She smiled softly at him, knowing before she met Faith she wouldn't have understood what he meant, but now she was one hundred percent aware of what he meant.   
  
---  
  
"Hello, Buffy," Wendy greeted genially.   
  
"Hey," she answered someone shortly.   
  
"How was your vacation?" she asked sensing she was off about something.   
  
"It was fine, thank you." Wendy noted she was in quite the mood and then it occurred to her that she couldn't think of much worse than a Slayer in a bad state. Then, as Faith walked into the kitchen she realized there was definitely something worse, it was two Slayers, one in a bad state and the other in what seemed to be a permanent foul mood with quite the dominating personality.   
  
"Hey, B," Faith greeted as she walked into the kitchen, her presence enveloping the entire room, as Wendy had noted it always seemed to. "Hey there, Wendy," she greeted towards her with a slight raise of her chin and a soft smile. Wendy immediately said hello with a matching smile, slightly embarrassed by her childlike enthusiasm at being noticed by the Slayer. Faith seemed to have that affect on a lot of people…   
  
Buffy was the one who was in charge and she carried that domineering air about her and people respected and listened to her almost undoubtedly. But it seemed that Faith was the one who everyone especially seemed to look up to and want to be friends with and be more like. Wendy figured it was probably because Faith made herself seem like somewhat of a touchable untouchable. She kept herself on everyone else's plane, whereas Buffy held herself a step above, but she always seemed to be just out of real grasp, therefore making her a touchable untouchable.   
  
"Hey, is that a hicky on your neck?" Faith asked tilting her head to the side to get a better look at Buffy's neck. She immediately shrank under the glance shaking her head furiously back and forth,   
  
"No!"  
  
"Chill B, I was kidding," Faith assured backing off immediately sensing the tension and anger in Buffy's voice. "Sounds like that bottle needs uncorking again," she muttered.   
  
"What did you just say?"  
  
"Nothing," Faith answered confidently holding her ground. "Just seems you're a little uptight… a girl like you should be smart enough than to act like that after being away to see your boy toy… might get the wheels going a bit," she teased.   
  
"Time for me to kick your ass again, Faith?"   
  
"Believe me, B, when that time comes it ain't gonna be you." She assured her holding her ground steadily but making it clear that she wasn't getting where Buffy's attitude was coming from, or why it seemed to be aimed towards her. "But, if a release is what you need I might be able to give you a few pointers-"   
  
"Go to hell, Faith!"   
  
"God, I was fucking joking!"   
  
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're just not funny anymore?"   
  
"Do we have a problem here, B? Cause if we do, just let me know, okay?"   
  
"You planning on dealing with it or something? Because that would be something," she mocked sarcastically.   
  
"What can I say, I'm just full of surprises," Faith answered in a tone that clarified that she was refusing to get into a fight with Buffy but was not going to let her walk all over her, or anyone else for that matter.   
  
"Yet so predictable," Buffy added obnoxiously as Xander walked into the kitchen behind Faith.   
  
"Is everything okay in here?" Xander asked being able to taste the tension as he walked in.   
  
"Just fine," Buffy answered motioning to leave but Faith stepped directly in front of her setting her gaze strongly down on the blonde,   
  
"What's your beef?"   
  
"Nothing, Faith…" she answered dismissingly.   
  
"I thought we were past all this bullshit, B."   
  
"Sorry, F, but the shit you've put me through, we're a long way running till it's in the past and kept there."   
  
"If you've got something you want to say to me, then say it," she answered remaining calm throughout it all.   
  
"If I had something to say to you, I would, believe me." With that Buffy motioned to push past Faith but realizing she wasn't going to move she glanced up at her and walked back a step then stepped around her. Faith firmly stood her ground maintaining her focus at a slightly downward eye contact at her.   
  
"God, what'd you do?" Xander joked walking over to the fridge.   
  
"You're so not funny."   
  
"Really, what was all that about?"   
  
"I have no idea," she answered with a shrug. "Did I do anything?" she asked Wendy.   
  
"I didn't think so," Wendy answered, completely unsure herself of what had caused Buffy to be so aggressive. "Was it something I could've possibly done?"   
  
"Nah," Faith assured her with a comforting smile, "me and Buffy have a history of not getting along… not for any real good reasons either." She walked over to the counter and slid her pack of cigarettes off of it quickly taking one out and lighting it. She slid onto the counter and sat on it facing Wendy and continued, "so the G-man treating you alright?"   
  
"Giles?" she asked unsure if it were even possible to match her sophisticated and highly learned teacher to a nickname with implications referring to such things as 'G-man'.   
  
"Yeah, he can be a hard ass sometimes…"   
  
"He's actually quite amazing."   
  
"Definitely not bad looking at all," Faith agreed.   
  
"That's not what I meant," Wendy quickly clarified. Faith instantly laughed,   
  
"Relax… I was kidding. I guess I'm really not funny anymore, huh?" Xander answered with a playful shrug. Wendy noticed the two of them and the body language they shared; strangely enough she thought Faith seemed a little more laid back around him. She always had a refreshing casualness around everyone, but at times it seemed forced, with Xander it actually seemed genuine and natural. "Why's she mad at me?"   
  
"Forget it," Xander suggested, "she's entitled to her mood swing occasionally."   
  
"Why does it bug me so much?"   
  
---  
  
"How can one person bug me so much?" Buffy whined to Willow. Kennedy allowed herself to be forgotten in the background wanting to be able to hear as much as possible straight from Buffy's mouth before she was censored by either Willow or her own realization that she was in fact present.   
  
"Well, what did she do exactly?"   
  
"Do I need to write out a list? Murder! Broke out of prison! Betrayed me! Hurt my friends and my family!"   
  
"I meant more recently…"   
  
"The list goes on up to present day," she assured her unable to think of a real answer.   
  
"What's this about, Buffy?"   
  
"It's about Faith!"   
  
"You've been kind of…"   
  
"Bitchy?" Kennedy voiced in from the closet doorway.   
  
"Off!" Willow quickly corrected. "You've seemed off since you got back from L.A. Did everything go okay with Angel?"   
  
"Oh, everything was just great!" she answered sardonically, "It was all, 'take care of Faith,' 'Faith's hurting,' 'She's not happy like you are…' 'You two used to be so close,' 'She really is a cool person,' 'Her and Xander are so good for each other.' God, if I have to see her again, I might just kill her myself!"  
  
"Buffy, you're being a little…"   
  
"God, I'm being a lot!" she admitted. "Why is it that Faith always seems to have that effect? She makes me act like the type of person I never want to become… it doesn't even seem to matter if it's because I'm with or against her either. I either become this selfish, egomaniac or I become too much like her!"   
  
"Which some might still consider selfish and egomaniac-like," Willow joked. "I'm kidding, of course," she clarified glancing over at Kennedy's clearly unimpressed expression.   
  
"And her and Xander! Am I the only one that doesn't think that Faith just had a revelation and wants to settle down and start a family? She's going to do nothing but hurt him…"   
  
"What the hell is the matter with you!?" Kennedy finally asked angrily not able to just stay out of it anymore as they ripped Faith apart.   
  
"Kennedy, you don't know her!"   
  
"No, you're the one who doesn't know her!"   
  
"Sweetie, don't-"  
  
"Shut up!" she screamed in Willow's face, "don't sweetie me! Sure, I didn't know Faith when she went a little psycho, but hey, if I had friends like you guys with all this supportive talking behind my back about me actually being happy for once, I think I might've wigged a little too! But neither of you have ever talked to her… did it ever occur to you that-"  
  
"Kennedy, you're out of line…"   
  
"No Buffy, you're the one who's out of line. You can't stand the thought that maybe, just maybe, Faith's actually going to be happy despite everything. After all," she continued sarcastically, "you're better than she is and if someone deserves to have a honey they can snuggle with it's you… but hey, with everything you've been through I'm sure you need the comfort more than her anyway," she added with her words practically marinated in their own sardonic juices. With that, and a final look of disgust at both her lover and Buffy she grabbed her jacket off of the bed and walked out of the bedroom.   
  
"She's a little defensive on the whole Faith topic," Willow added weakly after the echo of the slamming door faded.   
  
"Her and Faith definitely share a few things in common… the whole bitch factor coming directly into mind."   
  
"Buffy," Willow scolded softly. "I'm sure the fact that they're kind of similar means your feelings about them are somewhat similar but-"  
  
"Will, Kennedy didn't betray me, kill innocent people, and hurt me and people I care about… she's still a long way away from the Faith category."   
  
"She feels like her and Faith have a bond… a connection…"   
  
"We all remember what happened to Xander when he thought he had a connection with her."   
  
"Buff, I think we're being a little unfair… Faith bashing, hey I'm all for it, but only if it's for something recent."   
  
"I just don't want to see Xander get hurt."   
  
"Either do I, and yeah, I'm a little nervous about letting Faith play with him in the dark, but he's a big boy…"  
  
"Bad visual image!" Buffy cried shaking her head in protest.   
  
"Sorry," Willow said a smile finally coming across her face.   
  
"I don't know why I let her get to me…" Buffy admitted the air easing itself as though it had finally been exhaled out of tightly held lungs.   
  
"It's a nasty habit," Willow joked comfortingly sharing a friendly smile with her.   
  
---  
  
"Why the hell do I let her get to me like this?"   
  
"Faith, I think you need to stop thinking…" Xander suggested. "She's Buffy… she has her mood swings, you gotta give her that."  
  
"Why!?" she snapped, "when I act like that all of a sudden I'm criminally insane and need an attitude adjustment, which by the way, Buffy always seems to step up to do every time!"   
  
"She always gets a little cranky when she comes back from Angel's…"   
  
"I'm sorry, but you're supposed to be in a better mood after that… even I know that one."   
  
"She-" he stopped abruptly hearing the door leading to the garage slam loudly. Hell, it must've been loud since they were in Faith's bedroom and they heard it. "Who was that?"   
  
"Just for the record, seeing through walls and stuff doesn't come with the Slayer package, but once I'm tight with the Council again I'll be sure to drop it in their suggestion box," she answered sarcastically fully equipped with her characteristically fitting hand gestures and expressions. He couldn't help but smile since lately he was beginning to see bits of the old Faith shining through that steal wall she had set up between herself and the world around her, and it wasn't the bad old Faith, it was the very fun, personable, and captivating girl that made everyone around her want nothing more than to just hang out and feel at ease.   
  
---  
  
"What's going on?" Giles asked walking into the living room to see Wendy sitting peacefully behind a book and Andrew playing his gameboy squirming and bouncing around on the couch as though he were inside the plastic piece. "Who was that?" he asked motioning his hand towards the door.   
  
"Dawn walked down the stairs looking all mad," Andrew explained. He returned to playing the game but just as Giles turned to leave the living room he glanced up and added, "Kennedy was the one who left though…" Giles sighed and rolled his eyes and heard Andrew call after him, "you're welcome!" He walked into the kitchen to see Dawn who was now rummaging through the refrigerator.   
  
"Is everything alright, Dawn?"   
  
"Yeah, I'm just getting frustrated with a translation I'm doing online…"   
  
"Probably good that you're taking a rest at it then," he said with a content smile as he took a sip from his tea. "Do you know where Kennedy was off to?"   
  
"She said she was going out… she needed somewhere to get her mind off of things."   
  
"So in old people language?" Giles asked with a smile.   
  
"Probably a club of some sort… she showed me her fake ID yesterday, it's so cool!"   
  
"She has a false identification card?" he asked quickly.   
  
"Umm… it's real," she tried to cover even though she was completely obvious.   
  
"So she went to a club of some sort, probably to get smashed, is what you mean by getting her mind off of things…"   
  
"I guess," Dawn answered with a shrug knowing she had already blown Kennedy's cover.   
  
"Damn slayers," Giles muttered under his breath as he walked quickly towards Faith's bedroom. He entered without even a pause at the door and silently chided himself as he did so. Thankfully as he walked in he saw both Faith and Xander fully clothed, even if she was sitting on his lap on the bed.   
  
"Faith-"  
  
"We could've been fucking you know!?" Faith said cutting him off.   
  
"Well more of a show for me, I suppose," he answered quickly wanting to get back to why he came in the first place.   
  
"Guess you might learn something," she added but then she looked him up and down carefully with a questioning grin coming over her face, "although, maybe not…"   
  
"Faith, Kennedy went out."   
  
"And?" she asked completely blank as to why it was necessary for her to be informed of such.   
  
"Drinking…" he added, suddenly realizing how old he sounded. "I'd like you to keep an eye on her, if you would…"   
  
"Giles, the kid went out, that's no big. Hell, I was going out when I was like twelve…" After a moment of pause where she thought over all the things she had done and all of the trouble she had gotten into in all the nights she went out since she was twelve she got up off of Xander's lap and off the bed adding, "We'll go watch her."   
  
"Thank you."  
  
---  
  
After probably stopping at eleven of the twelve bar/clubs in the fifty mile radius they walked into a large establishment with neon lights around the large dance floor and by the bar with strobe lights and probably about a hundred and fifty people. Xander followed a pace behind Faith who was walking slowly but as though she knew exactly where she was headed and she seemed to be taking a good look at absolutely every person in the place, just in case. As she made mental profiles of everyone he spent most of his time looking her over. She had on a *tight* pair of black leather pants and a blood red, strapless shirt on cloaked by a leather jacket. She stopped, not suddenly but he had to stop short since he was distracted by her… outfit.   
  
"What's up?"   
  
"She's over there," she answered only motioning with her eyes. She smiled seeing that she didn't just have one guy talking to her and flirting with her, but she had three. "That's my girl," Faith said with a grin walking to a nearby table that was far enough away from the bar that Kennedy probably wouldn't look over at them but they could keep a close enough eye on her.   
  
"Hey, isn't she gay?" Xander asked, it finally hitting him as they sat.   
  
"I've flirt with girls, and I'm not…"   
  
"Just flirt?" She shrugged innocently at his questioning gaze then bit at her lower lip gently. "So this can't technically be called cheating then…"   
  
"Boy, if you think flirting accounts for cheating, we're going to have a little problem here," she noted only half jokingly.   
  
"Can I get you guys something to drink?" A passing waiter asked politely.   
  
"A Jack and Coke would be great, thanks," Faith answered. "And easy on the Coke…"  
  
"I'll have a beer... you guys have Corona, right?"   
  
"Yes, sir."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
"Man, for a girl who doesn't like dick she sure can handle it."   
  
"I never do get over how soft spoken you are…" He got an eye roll for that one, but it was followed by a grin. Four rounds of drink later Faith slammed her glass down on the table in frustration,   
  
"God, would one of them just take her somewhere to fuck already? We'd get to stop babysitting a lot faster…"   
  
"Faith! I thought we were here to make sure that didn't happen…"   
  
"No, we're here to make sure that doesn't happen," she said her eyes suddenly becoming intensely focused on Kennedy. Xander quickly looked over at her but saw nothing different,   
  
"What?"   
  
"The guy on the right just put something in her drink," she answered quickly getting up out of her seat.   
  
"Faith, slow down… are you sure?"   
  
"I'm completely sure. Now I get to kick some ass…"   
  
"No, there will be no kicking of human ass! Faith, I thought we'd gotten older and wiser on these matters…" he said following after her through the crowds towards Kennedy. The place had easily gained another two hundred people since they had arrived and it made it hard to make any headway. They were still closer to their table then to Kennedy as Faith watched her down the shot in which she saw the guy put something in.   
  
"She drank it!" Xander could hear the hint of panic in her voice so he decided it best to be optimistic rather than continue to curb her.   
  
"It's okay," he answered squeezing her arm comfortingly as they continued to inch towards her.   
  
"Yo, move the fuck out of the way," Faith finally started to yell at people. Albeit the dirty looks, the seas began to part.   
  
"Faith, I don't see her…" Xander called over to her over the roaring music as they got closer to both where Kennedy had been sitting and the dance floor.   
  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck," she started to say non-stop still attempting to mask her panic.   
  
"Come on," he said grabbing her hand and leading her over towards the side exit that was closest. He saw the look in her eyes and he could tell she was starting to shut down – this was probably one of those things Buffy had been talking about, when Faith just blocks everything out and begins to completely fold. She wasn't acting that way yet, but any other time she would've been dragging him towards the closest exit, now she hadn't even found it before he was pulling her towards it. Xander was almost sure he had chosen the right door as they were deposited into a dark alley, probably at the back of the club. To the left was the main street about a blocks length of alley down and to the right it was dim and didn't seem to lead anywhere. Needless to say, they went right. 


	14. Part XIV

Adjustment – Part XIV  
  
"So yeah, can you believe he actually said that? And to his mother! God, he's incredible dumb sometimes…" one of the guys Kennedy was with prattled. Under normal circumstances she might've felt nervous being in a dark alley with three guys she didn't know, but without breaking a sweat she knew she could have all of them begging for their mothers, so she walked with them confidently. The alley seemed to lead to a dark warehouse and she finally asked,   
  
"So this is where you guys live?"   
  
"No, it's a good place to smoke and drink though… the cops don't pay it much mind."   
  
"That's cool," she answered. "Umm…" she said suddenly feeling very unsure of herself as her legs began to go painfully numb and she was unsure of how much longer they would hold her. "Guys, I don't feel so great," she admitted as she stopped walking feeling the world start to spin around her faster then she could ever imagine.   
  
"Really? That's cool," the third one said with a laugh. "God, you're hot, you can drink most people I know under the table, *and* you have great timing!" She glanced over at him unable to focus on his face any longer as her vision began to blur from the quick speed everything was spinning in. Her legs finally gave and she fell to her knees then over onto her side feeling pain shooting through her arms and torso now. They all laughed as she fell and writhed in pain on the concrete at their feet.   
  
"Man, and all this time I thought I got the last, available, nice guy," Faith commented sarcastically walking over to them. They all jumped slightly from surprise but settled immediately seeing only a girl standing there.   
  
"You wanna join?" One of them asked obnoxiously.   
  
"What exactly did you have planned?" Faith asked as though it was blatantly obvious to her. She was having trouble holding herself together since the scene hit way too close to home for her, but she fought back her subconscious unmercifully. "What the fuck was in her drink?"   
  
"Liquor," the same one answered cracking a grin as he said it.   
  
"Kennedy, you alright?" she asked walking closer to her.   
  
"Yo!" One of them warned stepping in front of her.  
  
"Don't even," Faith said as she effortlessly shoved him ten feet off to the side. "Kennedy, can you stand up?" she asked never taking her eyes off of them as they began to circle around them. She knew Xander was approaching them as she heard his footsteps on the pavement.   
  
"I can't even see… Faith?" Kennedy said pleadingly. She was scared.   
  
"It's okay, we're here." Her words echoed in her own head as she remembered wishing someone had been able to say that to her. To be able to hear that when she had been in this stitch would've changed a lot for her. "Xander!" she called and he answered,   
  
"Yeah." The three guys quickly resituated themselves around them so they could all see Xander as well.   
  
"Get her out of here," she said picking her up off of the ground.   
  
"Faith? Xander? I can't see… I can't feel my body, and…"   
  
"It's okay," Xander comforted taking her from Faith. "Let's go."   
  
"No. Get her out of here; I'll meet you at home."   
  
"Faith, let's go."   
  
"I'll meet you at home," she repeated strongly. "Get her the fuck out of here!" Regretting it before he even did it he turned back down the alley with Kennedy in his arms and headed back towards the main road.   
  
"So I guess you really did want to join us…"   
  
"I'd like nothing better than to teach each of you a lesson."   
  
"Are we talking technique or style here?"   
  
"Usually I don't waste my time on scum like you guys, too busy with the- well, less scummy things… but I think I might just make an exception," she added cracking her knuckles as she looked each of them over.   
  
"You going to beat us up, honey?"   
  
"Yeah, and I'll be a lot better at it then some drugged up chick. Now tell me, what the fuck was in her drink?"   
  
"Just a little concoction my friend made up for me," one of them said smiling to his two friends. "Hey, here he is now…" he said looking off to the darkness cast by the warehouse. Faith glanced over and saw a large person immerge from the shadows with something not quite human about him.   
  
"She's standing," he said his voice almost with it's own echo. "It didn't work?"  
  
"Oh it did, but then she showed up and made things… complicated."  
  
"Why does life always insist on complicating matters?"   
  
"I'm a complex person," Faith answered.   
  
"Pain is the route of all complexities."   
  
"You don't know the half of it."   
  
"Well, I plan on knowing what's deep inside of you by the end of tonight," he answered as he walked towards her.   
  
"You think so, huh?"   
  
"The night is young, and so are you. I plan on taking advantage of that."   
  
"I'm not that young, buddy."   
  
"I told my boys to bring me back something nice. You're quite nice, but not as young as I had hoped for."   
  
"You into the cradle thing?" she asked with disgust in her tone.   
  
"Virgin's have the sweetest screams. But, I'll make you feel like a virgin the way I'll rip you apart…"   
  
"I don't think any concoction of yours is going to be able to make me-" she was cut off as the three guys simultaneously charged her. She easily dodged one of them, pushed the other, and after flipped over the third sent a swift kick to his temple sending him straight down to the asphalt. "Sleep tight."   
  
"Stop," the tall man ordered, "I want to make her scream. I want to demean and degrade her till she cries for her life, and then I want to break her, spirit and body as I-"   
  
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Faith cut him off finally hearing enough.   
  
"Even when she begs me to stop."   
  
"You're a disgusting fuck, you know that? I'm going to have fun kicking your ass."   
  
"Try it, please… I like the taste of sweat and blood mixed together." With that Faith walked up to him and sent a punch straight for his face, which to her complete shock he avoided without a blink. He smiled at her surprised expression and licked his lips. She sent a series of kicks and punches at him again, only making contact a few times. He laughed at her attempts,   
  
"I'm going to have so much fun hurting you. You're going to wish you let me have my way with your little friend instead of you… at least she might heal – you, I can tell by the anger in your eyes, that you still never have."   
  
"It's not something you get over – that why I'm going to have so much fun killing you," she said repeating his own words with a twist.   
  
"Right," he agreed as he sent a fierce punch straight at her face, which she dodged but then felt a sharp pain as his other fist contacted with her stomach. She threw in a few sharp jabs and some good punches to his face before he hit her again. Her hits, even when they did make contact didn't seem to matter, or affect him in the least. It was like fighting The Beast, who was made of pure rock!   
  
"What the hell are you?" she asked as she continued sending as many attacks at him as possible. He grabbed her shoulder and her thigh picking her up off the ground and slammed her back down onto the pavement and immediately sent his fist straight down towards her. She rolled away from his punch and he answered,   
  
"Made almost entirely out of steal… a permanent, lusting erection to match."   
  
"You're a disgusting piece of shit, you know that?"   
  
"And you're the girl I'm going to have my way with," he answered as he sent a punch to her stomach sending her flying backwards.   
  
---  
  
"Keep talking to me, Kennedy. Are you okay?"   
  
"I can't see… where's Faith? What's going on?"   
  
"Don't worry, everything okay now… it's going to be fine."   
  
"Where's Faith?"   
  
"She's still back in the alley."   
  
"No! Where is she? We can't leave her there! Why did you leave her?"   
  
---  
  
"Tired yet?"   
  
"Just getting warmed up," she spat as he threw her into the wall.   
  
"I'm not much for the preheat," he said hovering above her as she held her stomach in pain on the ground beneath him.   
  
"Ever think that's why you can't get a girl?"   
  
"Oh, I get plenty of them… I'm just not into the traditional method." She sent a kick up at his head sending him back a few feet giving her enough time to jump to her feet. She could feel the internal damage, all her old scars beginning to tear at the seams and begin to reopen. He hit her again as he got closer sending her straight back down to the ground, an agonizing cry escaping her lips. "Ooo, that's what I like," he mocked, "a girl who'll moan for me. Now… you look ready to get down to business…" he reached down and grabbed her by her arms pulling her up to him.   
  
She spat blood into his face struggling to free herself from his grasp. He slapped her hard across her face practically sending her back to the ground despite his holding her. She felt a helplessness overwhelm her entire body – not a feeling she was unlearned to, but one she certainly despised. She focused on breathing to regain as much strength and composure as possible as he held her painfully tight in his grasps, his hands wrapped around her biceps tearing the muscles by the constriction. He tilted his head and brought his face next to hers inhaling deeply with his nose by her neck.   
  
This wasn't good, and she knew that – hell, there wasn't really any way of denying it at this point… 'First rule of being a slayer, DON'T DIE!' It wasn't the dying part she was worried about… She tried to struggle free of his grasp but this guy was strong! She finally got enough space between them to bend her knees (he was holding her above the ground by her arms) and get her feet against his chest and push as hard as she could. She sent him back a few feet where she sent another kick to his head. It was painful for her to keep fighting – as she moved her legs to kick him she could feel her insides crumbling at the agony, so she decided she had to cut her loses and take a run for it. She took a final look at his face and ran for the alley. The two guys ran after her, Steal Man wasn't exactly fast. They had armed themselves with baseball bats and as she grabbed one and threw him backwards the other contacted her back with a full swing of the bat. She turned quickly towards him and grabbed the bat but restricted herself to only throwing it at him… hard.  
  
She held her stomach in pain as she ran, the taste of blood a constant in her mouth no matter how many times she swallowed. The alley quickly bringing her closer to the main road and further away from whatever the hell that guy was. She constantly tried to silence her inner self who was screaming at her for not finishing the guy off… what the hell was going on with her that she was running away? She had learned to think a little bit harder when she fought and she had been holding back that piece of her that she knew she couldn't control. That fraction of her conscious that loved to take over everything, and which made her truly her when it was able to be controlled, but that ability had been ambiguous lately… well, for quite some time. Spending eight months in a coma and a hell of a lot longer that that in prison had kept that piece of her on a short leash since she left.   
  
The main road, good. Wait, no definitely bad! She glanced at her reflection in the windshield of a car and saw she was practically covered in blood. The amount of blood probably matched that of the pain and there were some pretty deep gashes on her face and arms – she didn't even want to look at her stomach, which was starting to bleed through her shirt. As if she hadn't concluded the main street was bad yet, a cop car with its lights on drove down the street immediately sending her back to the dark alley.  
  
---  
  
"Giles!" Xander screamed as he carried Kennedy into the house. Giles quickly immerged from his office and even more quickly after Xander when he saw Kennedy lying limply in his arms.   
  
"What the hell happened?" he asked as he followed Xander to the living room where he put her down softly on the couch.   
  
"Faith… where's Faith?" Kennedy continued to ask. She was beyond panic and she decided to focus it on Faith rather than the fact that she couldn't feel most of her body and definitely couldn't use any of it.   
  
"Kennedy, can you see me yet?" Xander asked just ignoring her pleas for Faith since all he wanted right now was to be able to answer her questions as to where she was.   
  
"Where's Faith!?" she asked demandingly.   
  
"I don't fucking know!" he screamed angrily. He turned away from her angry at himself for losing his shit and he took a deep breath calming himself down. Everyone else in the house had heard the noisy entrance and were quickly accumulating in the room. Xander turned back to Kennedy and asked again,   
  
"Can you see?" She shook her head softly and barely an inch in each direction. "She'll be back soon, okay?"   
  
"What's going on?" Buffy asked demandingly as she entered the room. Xander purposely turned to Giles to answer the question seeming as how he had asked it first.   
  
"We were keeping an eye on her and Faith saw this guy slip something in her drink, damn, she caught that from the other side of the club!" he added still amazed that she had even seen that since they were literally at the other end of the club with two hundred people between them and Kennedy. "We headed right over but she drank it and was gone by the time we got over there."   
  
"Baby, are you okay?" Willow asked crouching down next to Kennedy. Kennedy enjoyed pity and being completely helpless about as much as Faith did.   
  
"We found them down an alley, there were three guys and Kennedy fell down in this state and you could tell it was exactly as they had planned and Faith stepped up and told me to just get Kennedy out of there… I wanted to wait for her but she told me to just leave."   
  
"So you left Faith with three guys who fall in the category of 'Men Faith Despise' and you thought she wasn't going to add another twenty five years to her prison sentence?" Buffy asked as though it was obvious that she was planning to kill those guys.   
  
"I'm going to go back," Xander said ignoring Buffy and still talking directly to Giles.   
  
"What's the point of that?" Buffy asked interceding again, "Faith doesn't exactly sit around after she does shit like that…"   
  
"You have no idea whether she did that or not!"   
  
"I know Faith and a bunch of guys that tried to… well, I'm sure Faith isn't going to differentiate between them and the ones that probably did it to her. Only difference now is she's a slayer… and a murderer."   
  
"She was holding it together," Xander stated firmly not letting himself think that way.   
  
"She'll come home," Giles stated, "she probably just scared them and when she's through she'll be back. We need your help here more anyhow…"   
  
---  
  
"Owwh," she whined quietly to herself as she held her stomach tightly leaning against the wall. There was a broken window on one of the side buildings of the alley way where she gazed at her reflection. She winced as she tried to wipe the blood from her face onto her hands without touching any of the painful cuts. His punches had been like being hit in the face by a metal baseball bat, not to mention how the actual wooden ones felt… the gashes still stung. She had to quickly look blankly at the floor after she caught sight of her hands covered in blood – it was an image she couldn't handle anymore. Her hands had too many times held the blood of so many people, but she breathed deeply trying to calm herself convincing her conscious, which was sure she had done something wrong, that it was her own blood.   
  
"Xander…" she heard herself whimper pining for him to be near. She forced herself to look back into the reflection and get as much blood off of her face as possible. She did so and wiped as much of the blood from her hands onto her shirt, which thankfully was of near the same color. She pulled her jacket practically closed then pulled the sleeves down over her hands and with her head down, her hair hopefully concealing most of the wounds she walked back onto the main street and walked as quickly as she could with the agonizing pain overwhelming her body while still remaining as inconspicuous as possible.   
  
She skillfully walked close enough to crowds of people near her age but far enough and quiet enough to not attract the attention of them.   
  
---  
  
"What are you doing?" Andrew asked quickly as Giles returned to the room with a needle.   
  
"We need a blood sample," he answered shortly.   
  
"We need to figure out what was in the drink that made her like this," Willow explained seeing that he wasn't trying to be annoying, he was really anxious about Kennedy's well being. Xander finally couldn't take watching Buffy pace nervously around the house so he walked out into the hallway in front of her path.   
  
"Can't you have a little trust that Faith's doing the right thing out there?"   
  
"I hope you're right," she answered, "I would hate myself for sitting here while she took innocent lives…"   
  
"You know what, those assholes aren't innocent! Just because it's Faith, all of a sudden she's the bad guy. Why don't you open your eyes to the big picture that Faith saved Kennedy from something she personally has to live with? Those guys were going to rape her and Faith caught it from a mile away! And you know, they all deserve whatever they get."   
  
"They're people – it's not our job to decided justice, especially not Faith!"   
  
"But it's okay for you to try and kill her and put her in a coma – it's okay for you to decide her justice? That's interesting… you really do think you're that much better than her. But I guess I can't really expect you to understand her feelings on the subject, I mean after Spike tried to rape you, all of a sudden he's the only person you can trust. And you say Faith's got a warped view on the world…"   
  
---  
  
She was losing a lot of blood and she knew it as she felt faint and weak, each stride harder to take than the one preceding it. Her body was starting to shake, noticeably she was sure. She saw a payphone only another block down but the same cop car was heading up the street again, this time much slower still with it's lights on. She felt her pace subconsciously quicken, *stop it, Faith! Slow… slow… left leg… right leg… don't look up… look straight ahead… slower… right leg… left leg… right leg…* She felt like racing as fast as she could towards the payphone but she barely contained herself.   
  
---  
  
  
  
Xander stared at Buffy with the strong look of disgust for a long moment only to be broken by the loud ringing of the telephone. He practically ran to pick it up, no, he definitely ran to pick it up!   
  
"Hello?" he asked in a pant.   
  
"Xander…" he heard her say shakily.   
  
"Faith? What's wrong?"   
  
"I need you," she said in a tone that proved she was on the brink of hysterical tears. Her tone was shaky and unsure,   
  
"Where are you?" he asked quickly. "It's okay…" he comforted as he heard her raspy breath.   
  
"Ac… across… from… from the… bank," she answered with painful gasps between words.   
  
"Just sit tight, okay?"   
  
"Okay," she answered, her tone telling him she was definitely crying now. She couldn't handle this right now, especially not alone. He threw the phone down on the counter and grabbed the truck's keys running for the garage. Buffy had followed him to the phone and now watched him run out of the house, heard the truck start and then screech out of the garage.   
  
---  
  
She glanced around uncomfortable with the close proximity to the cop car but in too much pain to distance herself. She was shaking uncontrollably and she couldn't stop the tears from streaming down her face. She clenched her jaw in an unheard protest angry at herself for not holding it together.   
  
*'I don't feel so great…'   
  
'No problem, I'll give you a ride home…'   
  
'No, that's okay.'   
  
'It's really no problem,' he said grabbing her arm strongly.*  
  
She quickly snapped out of it having to glance over at her arm to make sure he wasn't actually holding it. She remembered everything so vividly she could swear she had felt someone grabbing her arm. She forced herself to just focus of breathing as she stared at the payphone. She felt a tingle go through her face and her nose and she quickly raised her hand to her nose wiping the blood that was now trickling down through it. She leaned heavily against the payphone – without it she wouldn't have been able to remain standing, which was still a questionable feat. Her throat began to constrict and burn causing her to cough – she could taste the blood being forced into her mouth and it made her sick.   
  
*Go ahead, Faith, throw up blood, way stealthy,* she mocked herself. She forced it back down her throat but could feel it hit her stomach like a piece of lead. Everything began to spin and she couldn't stay standing anymore. She slid down to the ground, her back still up against the payphone. *Xander, hurry up… I need you* she thought sadly as she rocked softly back and forth trying to keep herself conscious.   
  
---  
  
Xander drove madly down the road towards the bank and what should have been a fifteen minute drive was turned into a seven minute one. It was definitely the longest seven minutes of his life… he couldn't help but remember Faith's comment so long ago when she was in Buffy's body and said to Anya the seven minute thing. *Bad!* he chided, thinking about Anya and Faith when she was being psycho was not healthy as he was racing towards her to save her.   
  
He slammed the truck down to the speed limit as he saw the cop car approaching from the other direction. A flash of panic surged through his body thinking that they had Faith but as they passed he thought the car was empty, but his only comfort was then being able to see Faith across the street from the bank. The comfort level only raised for a millisecond as he realized she was probably sitting because she couldn't stand. He pulled a quick U-turn and stopped on the corner with the payphone. He jumped out of the truck and ran over to her.   
  
"Faith?" he asked nervously. He looked down to her face and saw the blood and then saw her shirt and hands peering out from the sleeves of her jacket.   
  
"It's mine."   
  
"That shouldn't fucking make me feel better!" he said, angry at himself for letting Buffy have any affect on his judgment.   
  
"It's okay," she answered her voice painful. "Just take me home," she said holding her arm up for him to help her up. He met her arm and helped raise her to her feet but she almost immediately had her legs buckle under her and she almost fell back to the floor. He grabbed her quickly, "Ouch!" she cried as he grabbed her waist to hold her up.   
  
"Sorry," he answered trying to find a better way to hold her up. Her breathing was labored and it seemed like everything hurt. Despite her trying to show that she could make it to the truck he finally bent down and put one arm behind her knees while supporting her back with the other he picked her up. She was surprisingly light making the motion feel almost effortless. But that wasn't the most surprising thing – it was the fact that she melted against him and her face fit perfectly against his chest with her lips right up against his neck. Those five feet he walked to the car made him feel like the most important thing in her life. He knew she loved him without her saying a word.   
  
He opened the back door to the truck and carefully placed her onto the back seat. She whimpered a couple of times as pressure was put on different wounds and he couldn't believe she was being so honest about the pain she was in.   
  
---  
  
"Something's wrong," Buffy announced walking into the living room. "Faith just called and Xander went to go get her… he seemed in a really big hurry."  
  
"What'd they say?" Andrew asked anxiously.   
  
"Not much… Xander just seemed kind of shaken."   
  
---  
  
"Everything hurts," she answered him painfully. "Is Kennedy okay?"   
  
"Are you okay?" he asked sharply still standing in the backseat door. She glanced down at her blood soaked shirt and gave a weak shrug.   
  
"Let's just get home." He nodded and was about to close the door but he stopped and ran his hand softly across her cheek trying to offer her any comfort he could. She gave a faint smile, practically only using her eyes since that was the only thing that didn't hurt too much…   
  
---  
  
"Faith…" Kennedy said with tears forming in her unseeing eyes. "What happened? She saved me and now…"   
  
"She's probably fine," Willow comforted.   
  
"Unfortunately for you," she spat. "I'm sure you're giddy with excitement as to what shape she's in."   
  
"Sweetie, don't say that, it's no where near true."  
  
"Don't call me that." Willow stood, hurt by her coldness and walked out to the kitchen. With that the door to the garage opened and everyone turned quickly but it was Wood. He was confused by everyone being gathered around – it was two a.m. Before he closed the door to the garage he heard the truck speeding through the garage. Xander parked it quickly and yelled to Wood,   
  
"Give me a hand!" He immediately turned and jogged over to the backseat door with Xander and saw Faith lying there practically in a pool of blood. "Okay, careful…" Xander instructed quietly as they got her barely conscious body out of the backseat of the truck. Once she was out she was put into Xander's arms again, where she fell completely in place, as he carried her hurriedly back into the house. Robin held the door open for him then rushed towards her bedroom with him, everyone who had been awaiting their arrival except Kennedy followed towards her room.   
  
"What happened?" Buffy asked being the first one behind Xander.   
  
"Don't worry," he snapped, "it's all her blood." Buffy fell back from the front of the line and waited by the small staircase before Faith's wing. Xander continued to carry her into her room and carefully laid her down on the bed, which Wood had already pulled the blankets off of and placed towels down on top of the sheet.   
  
"It won't keep it all off," he said as he laid them down, "but it'll help." Xander nodded as he carefully put her down on the bed and it hurt him to see her gasp in pain as he did so, no matter how tenderly he did it.   
  
"Faith," Giles said clearly standing next to the bed, "what-" he stopped while she coughed but when she didn't stop he just continued louder, "what hurts you the most?" Then they all eyed each other as they saw her hand covered in blood as she moved it away from her mouth after coughing. She gasped to get a good breath but barely did before she started coughing again. Xander quickly moved to her as he saw her trying to sit up to stop coughing. He held her back and raised her slowly but she quickly jerked to a stop grabbing at her stomach painfully.   
  
"Move her to her side," Wood suggested moving forward to help Xander. They slowly helped her roll to her side each of them forcing themselves not to jump when she gasped in pain. They settled her down as soon as they could,   
  
"Is that okay?" Xander asked crouching down to her level next to the bed. She nodded softly and as soon as her next coughing fit ceased she asked,   
  
"Is Kennedy okay?"   
  
"Don't worry about her, worry about yourself," Giles stated firmly.   
  
"Is she fucking okay!?" she screamed only allowing herself to be subsided by the pain once she was done forcing the four painfully long words from her clenched throat.   
  
"Faith!" Giles scolded strongly.   
  
"Fine," she said forcing herself to sit up, "I'll go see the dead girl myself," she spat angrily as she stood up. Pain screamed through her body but as with many other things screaming within her she ignored it as she rose to her feet.   
  
"Lie back down," Xander yelled.   
  
"Faith, who you just bloody listen to me!?" Giles screamed angrily.   
  
"Faith, don't!" Wood said firmly.   
  
"Faith, she's okay," Andrew stated through everyone else's yells and reprimands. His voice was truly the lowest and the softest but it was the voice Faith heard amongst all of them.   
  
"Really?"   
  
"I swear." She listened to him and with accepting that her knees buckled under her and she quickly tried to grab for the bed but she ended up sitting up against it. Wood and Xander quickly were at her side but she waved them off,   
  
"Don't fucking touch me!" she screamed angrily at both of them. She clenched her jaw tightly as she did her stomach with one of her hands, pulling herself up to a standing position with the other and then quickly dropping down onto the bed. Both Wood and Xander immediately backed off as she had ordered but stood ready to catch her. "What's her deal?" she asked directing her question entirely in Andrew's direction.   
  
He stood there proudly but fidgeted as he often did when he finally got to be in the spotlight.   
  
"Willow, and Giles, they did a test and it turns out to be mystical…"   
  
"You need to lie down and rest," Giles ordered.   
  
"And what's the cure?" she asked completely ignoring him.   
  
"It'll wear off," Giles answered. Faith looked to Andrew for the answer and he nodded in agreement with Giles. Only then did she accept it as true.   
  
"So she's okay."   
  
"She's fine. In much better shape than you anyway," Giles answered. She nodded then finally lowered herself back onto the bed finally succumbing to her exhaustion and pain. He hadn't wanted to be so strict with her, he should've withheld the urge even still, knowing that she wouldn't respond to it but seeing her in the state she was in made him just think of getting her to lie down. Now it was undeniable that Kennedy and Faith both truly cared for one another, but he couldn't exactly place it as though it were a sibling relationship.   
  
---  
  
Everyone except Giles and Xander returned back to the living room to where Kennedy was still lying quietly.   
  
"Faith says 'hi'," Andrew proudly announced sitting in a chair right next to the couch Kennedy was on.   
  
"Is she okay?" Kennedy asked fairly calmly.   
  
"She's beat up pretty bad…" Robin admitted. "She felt much better knowing you were okay though."   
  
---  
  
"You should get cleaned up," Giles stated firmly. "We can discus everything later."   
  
"Just waiting for you to get out," she answered just as curtly. Without another word he decided it was certainly the best thing for him to just leave – she never was in a good mood after coming home looking worse than her opponent. He walked into the hallway and met Buffy at the stairs,   
  
"How is she?"   
  
"She'll be alright, I think. She's got some serious internal injuries, but she's healed from those before…"   
  
"Is she in her friendly, post-ass kicked moods too?" she asked sarcastically.   
  
"Oh, and in a big way," Giles answered.   
  
---  
  
Xander could tell from looking at her that she was still in an incredible amount of pain but emotionally she was calming down and feeling safer than she had when she had called him trembling enough to be heard. She was getting her head back so she was getting more mobile and productive despite the fact that her body probably didn't feel all that much better yet. He approached her as she stood slowly and started to take off her leather jacket. He immediately motioned to help her and she quickly (causing a pained look to spread across her face) moved away from his offering hands.   
  
"Let me give you a hand…"   
  
"I don't need your help."   
  
"Listen, you let me carry you in past everyone else and you're not going to let me help you in private? I can see you not wanting anyone to know, but…"   
  
"If I had any other option before, I would've used it," she spat angrily as she pulled her jacket half off trying to not show how much it hurt to do so but not having the grit to finish taking it off without a short pause.   
  
"Fine." His tone was angry yet indifferent but he saw her struggle and stepped back up to her and helped pull her arm through the sleeve without pulling her arm more than it absolutely had to. She began to protest but he cut her off and added, "I know you don't need me. Use me; there are a few things I'm good for, huh Faith?" His words practically smacked her into reality – he wasn't like anyone else she had been with. Yes, she had never let anyone help her when she was hurt before, or ever for that matter, but she had never had someone like Xander in her life either. His words hurt, not like a baseball bat hurt – his words went deeper even when they lacked the maliciousness.   
  
He tossed her jacket onto a vacant chair and he glanced at her shoulders and back and chest that were exposed by her tube top that she wore. Nothing but anger boiled in his body as he stared at the scrapes, bleeding gashes, and agitated bruises. He clenched his jaw and crouched down so he was able to unlace her boots.   
  
She stood looking down at him as he undid her boots robotically not even giving her the comfort of his expressions or body language. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes and in her throat but she held them back firmly standing there cold and without expression.  
  
He finished unlacing both of her boots and without a word or even looking up into her face he stood and turned towards her duffle bag that was sitting on top of her empty chest of drawers. She watched him, unable to do anything else but hold back her tears that were straining to escape. He was angry, she would be a blonde if she couldn't see that and she couldn't blame him for it either, it's not as though she wasn't completely aware of the urge to give into your own anger and frustrations when things weren't going well. She understood his reaction, but she just wasn't used to dealing with it.   
  
"Aren't you going to shower?" he asked indifferently standing right in front of her now. He looked at her as though he didn't care what happened to her but he couldn't even begin to believe it as it rotted away at his insides and stabbed him brutally on the inside.   
  
"Yeah," she answered softly but in a very similar tone to his as she pushed each boot off with the other foot. She stood two inches shorter than before as she rid herself of the shoes and she was sure he enjoyed having even more height on her – it helped in his tough, indifferent attitude. He was looking down at her but she couldn't catch his eyes – it was as though he was looking through her rather than at her and she finally gave up trying and took the clothes he had gotten her from his hands and walked slowly towards the bathroom. Pain still shot through her body with each step only lessening between them, never disappearing.   
  
---  
  
"That spell wore off quicker than I thought it would," Wendy commented as Kennedy sat up on the couch getting herself coordinated.   
  
"So you feel completely normal?" Willow asked.   
  
"Now I just feel drunk," she admitted with a light-spirited laugh.   
  
"Faith let you drink?" Giles asked.   
  
"It wouldn't be the first time," Buffy muttered. Giles remembered how he had thought Buffy had been too strict that first night when Faith had taken all of the Potentials to the Bronze so he immediately curbed himself in reprimanding Kennedy and Faith for her drinking.   
  
"Can I go see Faith?"   
  
"I think you should give her a while," Giles recommended.   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Since you don't know Faith that well, let me just tell you – she's not the friendliest person after she gets her ass kicked… she's not good at dealing with it." Kennedy could've almost dealt with what Buffy said if she had left out her obnoxious preface.   
  
"When can I see her?" Kennedy asked demandingly directing it at everyone else in the room except Buffy.   
  
"Tomorrow would probably be best," Giles answered, even though it was already past four o'clock in the morning.   
  
"I want to see her!"   
  
"Kennedy-" Buffy began to protest,   
  
"See who?" Faith asked as she walked (more like limped) into the living room.   
  
"You're okay!"   
  
"Yeah, I'm five by five."   
  
"You lie," she joked.   
  
"Often if not always," Faith joked back. She was still in pretty bad shape but just as Kennedy had needed to see her, she needed to see Kennedy to ease her nerves and know for herself that she was really okay. Not that anything in her life had ever made it so she needed to see something for herself to believe it…   
  
Kennedy felt like jumping up and hugging her like she imagined she would do for a big sister but she kept herself from doing so knowing Faith just wasn't like that, and either was she really. She had hoped the levity would remain but Faith spoke again, this time not nearly as lightheartedly.   
  
"Kennedy… next time three guys ask you to go with them into a dark alley by yourself, can you use your fucking head a little bit?" Kennedy knew she was angry but she accepted the reprimand, no matter how strong because it was clear the only reason she was doing so was because she cared.   
  
"I… I just didn't think…" Just because she accepted the scolding didn't mean she wasn't uncomfortable under Faith's strong gaze,   
  
"Do you even realize what they were going to do to you?" she asked and it was more than obvious to everyone in the room that it hit way, way, way too close to home for Faith to just laugh it off. Faith wasn't one to give a lecture or a pep-talk, but things like this were not something she could joke about. And instead of dragging it out or making her answer she turned away from the doorway where she had been standing and headed back for her room, feeling exhausted from the short walk.   
  
---  
  
"You okay?" Robin asked Kennedy following her into the kitchen away from everyone else in the living room.   
  
"Yeah," she answered seeming to still be deep in thought. Faith had made it so there was no way she could not think about what could have happened to her tonight, but that wasn't the only thing bothering her. Actually, there was probably a million things flying through her head right now, but she couldn't stop thinking about both what *had* happened to Faith and why she had been so stupid, especially when she kind of knew before this that Faith had something like that happen to her.   
  
---  
  
Faith walked gingerly down the five stairs into her wing and Xander was just walking out of her bedroom to check on her since she had gone directly from the bathroom after her shower into the living room. He felt embarrassed that she caught him checking on her and he turned quickly back into the room ignoring her once more. He walked over to the far window and stared out of it with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. His head was swimming and he could barely differentiate between his fears and reality of what could've happened so he tried to just quiet it all.   
  
Everything he tried hadn't worked thus far but everything not only quieted but was soothed and calmed as he felt her arms hug his stomach from behind him and rest her head against his back like she needed nothing else in the world. He took his first real breath since her phone call and dropped his hands down to her arms around his waist and placed his on top of hers.   
  
She sniffled softly and he knew it was a way of her admitting she was upset. She lifted her head off of his back and squeezed his waist motioning for him to turn around to face her, which he did. He stood there his arms dangling loosely at his sides looking to her to do something as part of his final protest to her coldness. She took his shirt gently in her hand and held it close to her as she raised her lips to his and kissed him softer than he imagined ever possible while still being so passionate. Her lips parted slowly from his and she lowered down never allowing her eyes to leave his face.   
  
He looked down into her eyes for a long time before raising his hand up to her face and cupping it gingerly. "I can't lose you," he stated his voice cracking between each word. She began unbuttoning his shirt as she raised her lips up to his again parting from them only to tell him with them just far enough to get the words out,   
  
"I love you," and then press them right back on to his. She was his only warmth as his shirt dropped to the floor behind him and he devoured it pressing up against her.   
  
Both of them needed each other more than their next breath and that was understood as he lowered her onto the bed and they melted their fears and emotions as they did their energy as they made love in a silent admittance of both of their absolute and equal need for one another. 


	15. Part XV

Adjustment – Part XV   
  
Summary: Xander realizes how much he's feeling for Faith and just how close he was to watching her disappear. The thought is enough to get his head going and make him start to admit things to himself. A change begins to take place in the way his thoughts are forming.   
  
I woke up slowly, nothing hurrying me except the excitement of getting to see her lying there next to me. I had gotten to sleep with her wrapped in my arms a bunch recently, and the thought still made me giddy. But that was the thing with Faith, you could have something so special, but as soon as you thought of it just as the norm she would go and change it up again. This would definitely never be boring… How could it be? Only a few hours ago they had been in a club playing babysitter, then I was carrying a completely paralyzed slayer home, and then I was picking her up half dead and the other half completely beaten up. Only to top it off with a solid hour of passionate love of nothing but her moaning my name and telling me how much she wanted me closer.   
  
I knew she was upset – having to deal with what had happened, and what could've happened to Kennedy was something that got her brain going even more than it was already going on a regular day. She was upset and it was obvious that she felt helpless and insecure; emotions that she definitely didn't mix well with or handle well in the least. Slow and deep, that's how she wanted it and there was no limit on how much I got to kiss her – she needed to feel whatever it was that made everything okay again. I couldn't help but think of all of the mind boggling things that guy said to her as they fought.   
  
Obviously he had said some things that got her a little messed up, I doubt she would've gotten beat up that bad without some serious emotional blockage helping the guy out. It had also occurred to me that I had absolutely no idea what had happened – I didn't know what kind of guy… beast… demon… thing had attacked her. Had she even won? The idea that she hadn't entered my mind as her frustration was practically printed in boldface type in all of her actions.   
  
I opened my eyes only to find her already looking lackadaisically at my chest still appearing to be at least half asleep, if not more. Her blankness worried me slightly, but I swallowed it down without another thought knowing she was going to be an ultimate defensive mode because of the whole fight situation, and nothing to do with our night together. I thought about saying something but decided a soft kiss on her forehead, which was already conveniently placed within range, was probably the least evasive greeting – yeah, like I said, Faith would never get boring!   
  
She motioned to roll on top of me but as she did she stopped and slowly slid back down next to me,   
  
"I'm a little sore," she admitted holding her stomach as she eased herself back down next to me. "Guess I can't say I landed on top."   
  
"You had a long night." I'm still amazed that she could be so amazing even after the battle she had been through. That's probably when she had gotten most of her experience though, after a big fight and no one to hang out with, that's where one nighter's come into play. I chide myself silently for thinking of her that way.  
  
"Yeah, you fucked me good," she answers and I can't help but feel hurt – okay, I'm immature too, that masculine pride peered it's ugly head momentarily.   
  
"I meant the fight."   
  
"Sure you did," she answers seeing straight through me.   
  
"You scared me last night…"   
  
"Sorry, I tried to keep it PG," she answers sarcastically as she glances suggestively under the sheets.   
  
"Once again, I meant the fight."   
  
"If that's what you want to call it," she says with a smile pushing up against me. Obviously, she doesn't want to talk about the fight. I'll give in to her – she's dealing with things pretty well, considering she's not really dealing with them. I would push further on that, but I can't help but sense a bit of hypocrisy in the judgment. She could, and without a doubt would, also add with much confidence if confronted with the said issue, that I was also hardly dealing with… well, anything. The idea that this entire thing is just some indirect way of me not dealing with things eagerly climbs into my head just quick enough for me to have to acknowledge it before I can shut it out again.   
  
"You sure you're okay?" I ask in a tone that makes it obvious it's the last time I'll bother her about it… for a while anyway.   
  
"I fucked you pretty good, didn't I?" she asked nonchalantly. I hold my ground and look at her sternly and she finally gives in. (Neat little trick I've figured out, huh?) "I'm a little sore, that's all." With that small piece of admittance I can tell she already feels insecure just by the quieted look that extends across her features softly. She reaches her hand over to my free hand and pulls it around her waist bringing herself even closer. She looks right into my eyes and I swear I can see the nervousness in them – she's so scared of this.   
  
"Okay," I answer, excepting her shred of honesty. For what seems like a thank you she kisses me. Yeah, we've kissed a lot, but I swear I will never stop being amazed when she kisses me. Her sureness mixed with so much unsure-ness in such a perfect blend – it's intoxicating. My hand quickly meets her waist and I pull her closer to me, more for my own comfort than her own – I really didn't lose her. But I came so painfully close – closer than she's letting on and telling me. She wouldn't have called me unless she had some thought running through her head that she wasn't going to make it. She knew how close she was because she's been there before – too many times for me to be able to think about without clutching her tighter.   
  
"Come with me to get some coffee," she says looking up at me with a smile. I'm sure I look ridiculous with excitement but I nod enthusiastically and sit up. She does the same… except quite a bit more slowly and cautiously. I take the opportunity to grab my sweatpants off the floor and slide them on, remembering she stole my boxers to sleep in. She also made me go over to her duffle bag and grab her a tee-shirt, mumbling about how she was cold, but I knew it was more because she didn't want to see the cuts on her body, nor did she want me to.   
  
"You're working out," she commented as I walked towards the end of the bed to grab a tee-shirt.   
  
"Yeah…"   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I want to like what I see when I look down," I answer.   
  
"Oh really," she says, a smile spreading rapidly across her features. "I don't think working out can really change a thing like that…"  
  
"That's not what I meant," I correct quickly.   
  
"Sure it's not," she answers playfully finally standing from the bed.   
  
Welcome to the world of Faith dealing with her emotions everybody! It didn't surprise me in the least how she was acting, it just kind of struck a sore nerve as I related it to how she so often acted back in Sunnydale when she first came. I have to stop thinking before I have the urge to kill myself for overlooking the million and a half signs that had been written all of her face that she wasn't handling life well when she first met all of us.   
  
---  
  
Giles and Wendy sit quietly at the table in the kitchen sipping at their tea, both embarrassed when they do so simultaneously. Giles usually placing his cup down quickly and wiping his glasses with the napkin, whereas Wendy pats her nose gently with the napkin. A scene neither Faith nor Xander could help but smirk at as they both dragged themselves into the kitchen, still not fully awake.   
  
"Good morning, Faith, how are you feeling?" Giles asked.   
  
"I'm five by five," she answered in an unsure tone after taking a few moments to decipher what the noises coming out of Giles mouth meant. She still hadn't come up with what he said, but she figured her coined phrase was probably her best bet at an in the ballpark response. She went to reach for the top shelf in the cabinet but Xander was already reaching from behind her to get them, not at all surprised by her quickly shrinking back down from her reach in pain.   
  
"I'll get it," he said already pulling them down. "You're not good at this whole being hurt thing, are you?" She gave a childish frown before walking over to the fridge and pulling out the milk. As she reached the counter where Xander was pouring the coffee the door to the garage opened and Willow, Buffy, and Kennedy walked in.   
  
"Did I miss church again?" Faith asked pretending to be disappointed.   
  
"No," Buffy answered with a smile, "we were just putting the beast to bed."   
  
"What beast?"   
  
"The one that you fought…"   
  
"Oh."   
  
"Willow put a spell on it so that we could fight it," Kennedy mentioned trying to make sure Faith didn't feel subordinated, which was already too late.   
  
"Yeah, we killed it," Buffy repeated. "How are you feeling?" Her tone sounded normal to the unknowing ear, but for most of the people in the room the fact that it was a quick jab at Faith's subordination was all too clear.   
  
"Yeah, how are you?" Kennedy asked enthusiastically walking quickly in front of Faith and walking backwards keeping her eyes on her face. Kennedy for one, was one of the few that wasn't picking up on the vibe. As Faith would suggest, she needed to refresh her memory of Faith/Buffy history.  
  
"I get by," she answered in hardly more than a mutter. She walked around Kennedy and over to Xander and her coffee cup,   
  
"I hope it's just because you haven't had your coffee yet," Kennedy stated.   
  
"So how'd you guys know where to go?" Xander asked seeing Faith was a little pissed off about all of this, though it was clear she was kind of mad at herself for letting herself be. Yes, the all too simplistic mind fuck that is Faith.   
  
"Well the poison that Kennedy had ingested was one that's notoriously used by Kazara demons, which are a descendent of The Beast, from way back, except they take more of a human-ish form." Willow explained, "Once we knew it was the Kazara we knew what goodies to pack to make it a sure thing that we won and he lost, and the nature of the Kazara is to stick to one place, their lair or den, and in this case that alley way with the warehouse…"   
  
"Why'd you guys need magic?"   
  
"We didn't *need* it," Buffy answered as she sipped at her cup of coffee. "It's just a really nice helper… like one of those cute little monkeys with the red sweaters."   
  
"They're extremely strong," Willow added, "if I'm not mistaken, Fred told me that Faith fought the Beast himself not that long ago… right?" she asked turning to Faith.   
  
"If by fought you mean got my ass royally handed to me, then sure," she answered with a slight shrug (as large of a shrug as she could make without being in too much pain).   
  
"Well than how'd you beat it?" Kennedy asked still sort of shocked that Faith hadn't won.   
  
"Angelus had basically set it up so he was my preheat," she answered not sparing the equivocation. "He had every intention of finishing me off so he killed the beast himself, then came after me while I could barely move. Your boys got a wicked sadistic side in there, B," Faith added turning to Buffy with a slight raise of her eyebrow. She was barely holding it together with the way Buffy was coming on full force with her holier than thou attitude, and she knew she could do little more than send some small jabs her way – not that that was going to limit the jabs…   
  
Kennedy shut her mouth at continuing with questions as she saw the tension arise between the slayers, and she figured it would probably be best to just back off. Before she could even keep up with what was going on Faith was sliding her cigarettes off of the counter and walking towards the living room.   
  
"Will, can I steal you for a sec?" Xander asked cautiously. Willow smiled as she saw her friend who she remembered from elementary school peaking out through that tired and worry-worn face and the cute little boy actually got around the gloomy and painful looking eye-patch that was a constant reminder to them all.   
  
"Sure," she answered already walking out of the kitchen with him. They walked down the hallway and up the stairs into Willow and Kennedy's bedroom closing the door softly behind them. Xander gave a boyish smile before finally asking,  
  
"Will, how strong is that guy without using magic on him?"   
  
"He basically has a sub-epidermis layer made of rock, which is right below the skin, and nothing really can penetrate it… add to that some super strength and he's pretty nasty until you use magic to erase the rock away…" she added with a grin. "Then he's really no more to fight than a human…"   
  
"But he's a demon…"   
  
"Yeah, nothing but evil," she clarified.   
  
"Must've been a pretty sick guy… getting those other guys to bring him a drugged up girl," Xander finally commented urged on by Willow's pleading yet patient eyes.   
  
"Yeah, they're kind of known for that… it goes way back to their rituals in ancient times. I haven't done too much reading on them but what I have done… like you said, pretty sick." Willow finished vaguely but was now pressed to continue by Xander's pleading, and not quite so patient countenance. "It's kind of a game… pretty much with the only objective to plant as much mind boggling things in a girls head before… you know… and then just basically watching them fall apart."  
  
"So they do talk a lot?"   
  
"They're sick… they like to mess with people's heads and they're good at it…"   
  
"I really almost lost her didn't I?" Xander finally asked leaving the circuitous talking behind and finally surging for the real reason.   
  
"Xander… it's really not my place… but…"   
  
"What, Will?"   
  
"Life's full of risks… we all know that. But if there's one thing we've learned in this wacky life we have, it's never to take unnecessary ones, right?" She waited for a faint nod and then continued, "you just lost Anya… someone who meant the world to you! Losing someone like that isn't something anyone should have to live through, not even once… but, definitely not twice!"   
  
"What are you getting at?" he asked understanding her words but not necessarily her emphasis or perspective.   
  
"Faith's a Slayer, and beyond that Faith's a lot of things, but self-destructive and imprudent are way up there on her list, not even to mention a few other notable traits and habits of hers…" she faded off seeing the lack of amusement on Xander's face and decided to stick to her point and not her opinion, "the lifespan of a Slayer is… Xander, I'm not going to beat around the bush here, you're setting yourself up to lose someone again, and as much as I don't want to admit it, you're letting yourself fall in love with her the same way you did Anya! You're delusional if you think she can possibly reciprocate those feelings, she's hardly capable… she's already hurt you so many times and the people you care about, who whether or not you still remember even after you've been with Miss-"  
  
"Hey!" he finally reprimanded quickly cutting her off. He may have cut her off but she had enough time to say some things that he couldn't shake with a simple blink even if he wished he could. "You don't know her!" he shouted sternly.   
  
"That's my point!" she yelled back, "either do you!"  
  
"You have no right to-"   
  
"Xander, I don't want to fight, but I just don't want to see you get hurt again! You know yourself better than anyone, and can you honestly say to yourself that you could handle going through what you went through when you lost Anya all over again?"  
  
He didn't answer her, he just stood there silently for several moments staring towards her as if it were through her and into his own conscious. How was it possible that she had been able to spell out all of his underlying fears and feelings? How was it possible that just having them stated seemed to gain them validity and substance? Without another word or even a true glance actually at her he turned and exited the room.   
  
He jogged down the stairs needing to quickly put distance between himself and Willow, but not really Willow, just the thoughts in which she had seemed to stir. At the bottom of the stair case he slowed to a walk, but it was still a hurried pace in which he took towards the living room. He walked there knowing Faith liked to sit on the roof just outside of the living room window and if she wasn't there then she was just down the hallway in her bedroom. Being in luck he turned into the living room and walked over to the windowsill looking over at her trying to mask the newly found insecurity that was spreading like a disease across his face.   
  
She sat comfortably on the slightly pitched roof with a lit cigarette. He stayed in the window and leaned out,   
  
"You okay?"   
  
"Five by five," she answered in little more than a pissed off sigh as she slowly and pensively exhaled a long stream of thick smoke while watching the soft cigarette cradled in between her fingers.   
  
"Want company?" he asked. Unsure of whether it was his uncertainty that caused his voice to either waver or be too low, or whether it was her just not wanting to answer him with a refusal he cautiously asked, "Faith?" She turned almost suddenly towards him and in what can't be described as anything other than a very Faith-like manner she offered a nonchalant,   
  
"What?" that in it's characteristic tone couldn't help but hold a sound that could be heard as uninterested and slightly irritated.   
  
"I guess not," he muttered turning from the window and heading back towards the kitchen. Faith stayed sitting completely uncertain as to what she did that caused him to leave and in such a huff. She bit at her lower lip nervously as she held in another noxious cloud of smoke in her lungs. She could feel her bruises, and that was something she was used to, but the ache inside was a pain she had long been accustomed to, but without a real stir they remained at a constant moderate pain. But like an overworked muscle that was torn and is trying to heal, the ache inside felt open and bleeding almost if she moved too fast it would cause her actual physical pain. The ache inside brought her tears right to the back of her eyelids screaming to be released and her throat clenched anticipating the onslaught of tears. With a clenched jaw and a composure that lied to the world she sat waiting for the pain to subside, or at least to finally numb her just a little bit more so that she could move on – again.   
  
---  
  
Kennedy walked through the living room and over to the window where Faith was still sitting on the roof just outside of it. Without letting herself give a second glance over at the indifferent and rigid – not to even mention extremely intimidating – form, she climbed out of the window and sat next to Faith pretending to stare off at the world as Faith was. After an eternity of silence, or so it felt for Kennedy,   
  
"You okay?" Faith asked without changing her stare which was cast off onto anything other than her own life.   
  
"Only because of you…" she answered looking over at Faith. She didn't move or recognize that Kennedy was looking to her for some sort of reaction or anything… "what do you want me to say!?" she asked growing impatient and very uncomfortable in the silence. If she thought being under Faith's stare was bad, being in her silence was even worse.   
  
"Big difference between me and Buffy," she stated flatly, "I don't want to control what you think and say."  
  
"I'm sorry," Kennedy said pleadingly.   
  
"You don't need to be. Another *big* difference between me and B, I get it, people fuck up," she shrugged, "join the club." Kennedy nodded but not in a relieved way, "I didn't want you to have to go through that – no one should have to join the club that way."   
  
"You did."   
  
"Like Xander said, don't *ever* follow my example, in anything."   
  
"You know!" Kennedy said exploding angrily now staring over at Faith, "you really have no idea!"   
  
"Kennedy, chill." She nonchalantly flicked her cigarette off the roof and watched it fall until she lost sight of it after the first two stories.   
  
"I'm not going to 'chill'! You know, Faith, you're the first person I've met that-"  
  
"Let's not get all…," she began only to stop just as suddenly, "whatever, Kennedy."   
  
---  
  
  
  
Xander couldn't help but laugh inwardly at himself for letting Faith… well, basically just act like she usually did, and push him away. Nailing jello to a tree would've been an easier task than being straight with her and making her be straight back. He knew she was going through some major issues with stuff in her head, but he was starting to hate himself more and more for not knowing how to be there more for her. He didn't know why he thought so, or even state when exactly anything had been different, but she was shutting him out and even though there was a lot of things he didn't know, he did know that he couldn't let her do that. Neither of them could afford it.   
  
"Hey, Xander," Buffy greeted splitting right through his frame of thought. He couldn't tell, but it wouldn't surprise him if he had jumped a little.   
  
"Hey, Buffy."   
  
"You okay?" she asked seeing he looked slightly unwonted.  
  
"I am," he answered. Buffy nodded in understanding,   
  
"Do you think she'd be okay with me talking to her?"   
  
"I didn't know either of you had digressed back to adolescence…" she stared at him blankly and he clarified, "I think talking is allowed." She smiled and exited the room. "Never said Faith liked the rules…" he muttered under his breath as she left.   
  
---  
  
"I know you've already done way too much for me…" Kennedy said pushing herself to speak up – yeah, that was actually a problem around Faith! "Can you talk to me?" she asked looking to Faith searchingly.   
  
"I talk to you all the time," Faith answered quickly. Her attitude was apparent enough in her body language but just in case you were too dumb to catch that, the more and more obvious Boston accent that was beginning to creep into her tone was a surefire signal to her getting a little more edgy.   
  
"Faith, you don't know how influential you are to me, and to all of the other girls that were stuck in that house! You don't give yourself credit for-"  
  
"Great, another thing for me to have to repent for."   
  
"We would talk about you for hours! There wasn't one girl in that house that didn't want to know you – hell there wasn't one girl that didn't want to be you!"  
  
"Would you fucking listen to yourself?" she snapped suddenly, "you want to talk about how cool I am, and how cool it must be to be me? You want to know, Kennedy? You really want to? Do you want to know what it's like to finally be in love with someone and not be able to tell them how you feel without feeling like you're going to throw up? To not be able to just let them tell you how they feel without thinking they're lying to you and they're just doing it to fuck with you! You want to know what it's like to sleep with the first person who's ever cared about you and not be able to believe it's them and not some other prick who's probably just going to beat the shit out of you and leave you to die once he's done because when you were younger you went out to a club and someone who you considered to be your fucking friend asks you to go for a walk so, hey, you went because after all you were friends! Next thing you fucking know you've got your fucking hands tied behind you fucking back with him holding your mouth so tight no one could hear you scream even if you could… you want to know what it's like to be there and feel that, and instead of screaming and cursing at you and beating the shit out of you all he's doing is babbling a bunch of shit about how much he loves you and how he wants to be with you forever and why won't you just give him a chance to be your guy? Said I love you so many times, I don't even really know what the fuck those words are supposed to mean anymore – you know they say to learn words through context, well hey, that works except when you have a fucking psycho raping you and telling you he wants to be with you forever! But you know, besides the pain and the extremely permanent emotional and psychologically damage you can just feel tearing into your brain, the only thing you're really thinking about is the fact that it's not the first time it's happened? So now that you know, Kennedy, how fucking cool do I look? Or wait, maybe you can ask Xander… ask him what it's like when he's tryi  
  
ng to make love to me and all of a sudden he can't stop me from hysterically crying, or maybe, ask him what it's like when I can't hear him tell me that he loves me… hey, maybe you could even ask him what it was like for him the first time we slept together, or better yet, a few weeks after when I tried to fucking kill him. Wow, I'm just looking cooler and cooler, aren't I? So I bet you and the rest of the chicks told that story as a favorite when chatting about how fucking awesome Faith is, and how you guys want to be more like me, am I right? God, I must've been right up there with Buffy with that kind of background story…"   
  
Kennedy couldn't deny that tears had been falling from her eyes basically as soon as Faith had started on her little monologue and hearing the heart wrenching things she was saying in a tone that was bitterly sarcastic as she delivered it with normal characteristic hand movements and facial expressions, but barely any hint of emotion other than anger made her feel like she just wanted to die. It hit her that as much as her and everyone else had heard and talked about Faith, there really was very little she actually had known about her.   
  
"Do you always give such inspirational speeches?" Buffy asked leaning out of the window and looking over to Kennedy and Faith. Kennedy immediately swelled up with anger and was about to answer but she realized her throat was so tightly clenched she couldn't of said anything even if she had had something to say. Her mind was spinning with everything that had happened and now she just didn't understand how everyone was acting. The competitiveness between Faith and Buffy had always been obvious, but never to this extreme, and somewhat one-sided.   
  
If there was one thing that Kennedy was beginning to understand about Faith, other than the blatant fact that she really didn't know much, she was starting to figure things out a little bit. Faith really didn't like being mean – yeah she did it, but generally it was more of a defensive than anything else. And as far as being on the defense, right now was certainly a red alert. She felt herself tense up as Faith stood up on the roof and walked towards the window towards Buffy.   
  
She was calm and basically just ignoring the noise coming out of Buffy's mouth as she walked over to the window. Buffy stood her ground standing in the windowsill and looked up at Faith as though she didn't realize she wanted to get past her.   
  
"Well?" she pressed.   
  
"Well what?" Faith asked somehow managing to keep her tone straight even after all that she had just admitted to Kennedy only moments before.   
  
"Someone calls you their idol and you give them that little spiel? Sounds like you practiced too…"   
  
Xander could hear Buffy's aggressive tone as he walked by the living room headed back towards Faith's room, but he stopped quickly knowing *NOT GOOD*.   
  
"If it ever happens again, I'll let you know," she answered trying to maintain whatever composure she had left while still managing to put herself down. She stepped up to the sill and looked at Buffy to move out of her way so Buffy took half a stride back barely making room for a mouse to enter. Xander stood just inside of the living room trying to assess the situation as quickly as possible and then on top of that figure out what he could possibly do about it. It had been a very long time since he had tried to jump between these two fighting – it was a lesson he well remembered. Faith ignored the fact that there was far from enough room for her to get back into the window and stepped one leg through pushing Buffy back slightly. Buffy stood her ground pushing back against Faith trying to get past her,  
  
"Hey, Buffy?" Xander said cautiously, "could you-" he stopped as she backed away from the window as though it were the first time she had been asked to. She shot him an angry glare realizing he was officially not on her side of things. Faith climbed inside of the window gingerly trying not to agitate her already strained body.   
  
"Thanks B," she said with a cynically saccharine smile. She motioned to walk past her and Buffy nonchalantly stepped into her at the last moment causing a solid thud to resound as Faith was stopped in her tracks. [She turned towards her quickly sending a strong blow at her face giving her enough time to reach for the pocket knife she had spotted in Buffy's back pocket earlier that morning. She grabbed it out and opened it quickly sending the blade plunging through her stomach. She felt her sink around the blade and almost collapse as she twisted it in her gut being able to feel the blood trickling down over her hand tightly clenched around the blade. The euphoric rush that comes just before the adrenaline starts to make you almost shake from edginess and-] She blinked painfully and took a breath as a surge of pain raged through her body. Xander saw her jaw clenching and immediately stepped forward to help her. She had her left arm wrapped around her waist clutching it painfully but she walked around both him and Buffy being sure to quickly rein in the part of her that was dying to cut loose.   
  
Unable to control the urge of pure anger and the desire for hostility Buffy quickly commented to Xander before he left and well before Faith was out of earshot,   
  
"So what's it like to be with a girl when she's crying?" She waited just long enough for that to sink in before adding, "I've always wondered what the big attraction was for screwing her," for added effect she turned towards Kennedy and gave a histrionic shrug. Xander held himself together, only for Faith, and walked towards their bedroom after her. Kennedy climbed in through the window and wanted so badly to say something to Buffy but she couldn't even bring herself to think of anything… since when was a lack of words a problem she ran into so often? She still wasn't over the shock factor of what Faith had spilled on her, and as she approached Buffy to scream something at her she saw the glisten of tears at the edges of her eyes.   
  
"Buffy?" Kennedy asked seeing that she was so close to crying.   
  
"Kennedy, go away." Her tone was stern and unfeeling.   
  
"You two are so alike you can't even notice it," she muttered walking past her.   
  
---  
  
Faith walked rigidly down the hallway holding her stomach as though it would disappear if she didn't. She wished the pain would… she shook her head as she walked reproving herself for the actions she watched herself so vividly take before. She hadn't had impulses like that in a while, and it scared her just how quickly everything fell together. She knew that her brain never stopped working in the way it always had – it's impossible for someone to alter the way they think completely, no matter how much they say it's possible, it's not! No matter how long she rotted in that cell there was no way she could make her brain stop noticing everything – noticing where people put their weapons, where they were looking and what made them distracted to look the other way, how people walked and where, and that was just to name a few things. Everything that made her a killer was still there, she just had made up her mind to get off on curbing herself rather than watching herself play.   
  
She stopped short seeing Andrew suddenly standing in front of her. He began to greet her excitedly but immediately stopped himself seeing the vacant expression on her face. He glanced from her face to his left where Giles and Robin were following him from then back over to Xander approaching from down the hallway. In an awkward moment all four of them ended up in the small corridor around her; like I said, it was awkward. She stopped suddenly surrounded closely by the four of them feeling guilt rip through her as though they could actually have known what she had thought.   
  
*The four cops surrounded her on all sides outside of the Bronze, almost before she could've anticipated it. The felt her muscles tighten and tense and the feeling of fear and anxiety sweep through her as she lashed out violently at all of them thinking she had finally gotten an edge until she felt their batons reining down on top of her. She felt the pavement come up towards her fast as she was sent down to the ground by the fierce blows.*  
  
"Excuse me," she choked out trying to wedge past Giles and Andrew. Giles saw the expression on Xander's face and quickly asked,   
  
"Faith, is everything alright?"   
  
"Five by fucking five," she answered motioning to walk away again.   
  
"Faith," Giles stated firmly taking a hold of her arm. She glared at him and then down at his hand around her arm and back up at him causing him quickly to release his grip, "how are you feeling?"   
  
*'How you feelin now princess?' Ricky asked his voice almost as sleazy as the actual sight of him. Her stomach tensed uncontrollably and she felt like she would vomit if she actually had anything in her stomach. She gagged inwardly needing to release her repulsion somehow more than she needed to breathe. He took another look over her then spit in her direction before turning and walking towards the door. The door slammed loudly and she jumped.*  
  
Kennedy walked out through the hallway slamming the living room door angrily as she exited it after Buffy had disappeared upstairs. Xander could see Faith shaking from down the hall and just saw her jump from the noise of the door.   
  
"Faith?" Giles pressed.   
  
"Like shit," she answered flatly. Xander heard it in her voice first then with the slight falter in her step he stepped quickly behind her supporting her with his arm around her waist but played it off as if it were nothing more than a motion of affection.   
  
"Excuse us," he said politely as he walked past them all now helping her towards her bedroom. He could see the beads of sweat forming around her face before they went into the dim hallway and then finally into her room. "Faith?"   
  
"It's nothing," she answered quickly, pulling away from him as she spoke, with somewhat regained balance.   
  
"What are you talking about?" he caught.   
  
"Nothing," she answered again not even trying to hide this distress on her face.   
  
"I get you not wanting to talk about- damn it, Faith, you don't ever want to talk about anything! I don't even know what it is you're not talking about any more… I've tried to figure it out, but I just can't, and I don't know why but I feel like I have to figure it out fast because…" his words came to a slow halt and he stood powerlessly looking over at her. She glanced indifferently over at him then quickly lowered her eyes again. *Why is this so hard for her?* Xander thought pleadingly to himself. She sighed shallowly still with her gaze fixed at the floor and walked over to the bed. She lowered herself down on the bed and held the pillow close to her face so that only one eye could peak out from it, and even then not in entirety.   
  
She pulled the pillow closer to her face as tears began to spill from them. Her body ached from everything! She didn't know whether she felt like crying or screaming; whether she felt like saying something or being completely quiet; whether she wanted to run or sleep, stand up or fall, live or die… The only thing she really was clear on was that all she wanted was Xander next to her with his arms wrapped around her – as she heard his footsteps get more and more distant as he left the room, she couldn't understand why she wasn't able to just tell him that. 


	16. Part XVI

Adjustment – Part XVI   
  
About a week and a half passed by and the entire atmosphere of the house felt both thick and slippery. There was a mix between so many emotions rushing around that it was hard to keep track. The group of people who had really been very close, not necessarily in a friendly way at all times, but certainly in a way so that they were all able to work and fight together. There was certainly a closeness that came with fighting off the end of the world together – it's not something too many people experience. But to make the understatement of the century that would even beat, 'Faith and Buffy are pretty', would be to say that tensions were high.   
  
When you throw a bunch of people together, most of which are *special* in one way or another, and those that aren't specifically gifted in that particular way are certainly strong people all in their own (if they weren't they wouldn't be able to survive long with this group), you're bound to have tension, but this tension was enough to throw the Earth off it's axis with it's intensity. It was hard to keep straight what was going on with who – if they thought high school had too much cliquey drama, welcome to hell, and we aren't talking about the gapping, fiery hole of eternal pain, which seemed a pleasant vacation from this house. That's not to say all occupants weren't trying to make things work out… well, most were.   
  
The situation running between Kennedy and Willow was unmistakable – there was definitely trouble in paradise. Neither really wanted to admit anything was wrong, but as is clear to Kennedy's personality, she wasn't about to sit there and pretend everything was peachy either. As Kennedy had gotten closer with Faith, Willow had gotten closer with Buffy again in need of a companion and someone to talk to. And of course since the slayers were like magnets of the same charge, there was absolutely no way that the couple talking to separate slayers was aiding in their relationship. Whenever the subject of Faith or Buffy would come up between the two of them as if by clockwork Kennedy would storm out of their bedroom after a quick argument with Willow closely behind her. Kennedy would usually find asylum with Dawn, or now, more commonly than usual, Robin.   
  
It had gotten so predictable that Faith, according to Buffy made the mistake, according to Faith was wicked funny, by saying something to Willow. It was a typical Tuesday (ha, typical! Not likely in this house!), and Faith was sitting on the counter nursing a Corona, which was chasing a row of half a dozen shots of Peppermint Schnapps. Buffy was sitting at the table with Xander and Giles discussing plans for the new house. Buffy's eyes darted back and forth from Giles and Xander to Faith sitting up on the counter. Faith reveled in the discomfort she was putting Buffy in – this kind of tension was something Faith was used to, it literally ate away at Buffy. Sitting in a cafeteria with over six hundred ornery, dirty, tired, and nasty penitentiary woman had been fairly good training for having to sit across the room from Buffy. Just for an added effect the one time Buffy looked up at Faith and was caught dead on by Faith's returned eye contact Faith motioned a saccharine air kiss over to Buffy with a so typically Faith smile to conclude it. Buffy's eyes snapped angrily back over to Xander and Giles and were concretely fixed there.   
  
  
  
The door from upstairs opened quickly and Kennedy stormed angrily down the stairs but as she approached the kitchen she kept her eyes fixed downward and walked into the living room where Robin and Andrew were watching television. Willow followed behind her quite a few paces and as she approached the kitchen looking at the group sitting in there with a questioning look of where Kennedy had gone to Faith glanced up, feeling some of the affects of the alcohol urging her on, but mostly just her instigating personality,   
  
  
  
"So, you try talkin' about me again?" She smiled over at Willow expecting a response to her joke, but everyone there knew, including Faith in a big way, that what she said was in no way completely jocular.   
  
  
  
The situation between Buffy and Faith… well, that's a hard one to put into words from the first day they met… neither had become less agitated with the other but both stood their ground (gee, how unlike both of them!) and refused to budge in either direction. Faith didn't back down from any of Buffy's glares or comments and continued through her days as though everything was, well, not fine, but tolerable between the two. Faith could certainly be termed a consummate on the subject of denial. Once again, the big house was a good preparation for living with someone who hated her guts (even tried to cut 'em out on an occasion or two). Buffy on the other hand, her anger was practically bubbling over from just everything, and Faith was a good outlet. Things between Buffy and – well, practically everyone else had been… bad. Willow was really her only saving grace these days. When she woke up in the morning she felt like crying, and the feeling stayed with her till she went back to sleep.   
  
She couldn't help but think it odd how on Tuesday night she seemed to have quite the preposterous dream. She had fallen asleep with anger practically overflowing from her, so badly she was surprised that she had been able to suppress it throughout the day. As her eyes closed approaching what had become her only refuge the feeling of anger converted slightly into a feeling of remembrance and pining. For the length of the night she remembered the times she had spent with Faith that had been so nice. As miserable as Faith had been able to make her life, it could only be countered by how happy she had made the other times. It made her realize that the only reason that Faith had really been able to hurt her the way she had was because of how much she had helped her previously. Where there was pain, it was only because of it's counterpart of joy and fun. As her dream had come to a closing, it was like her vision panned back and allowed her to see both herself and Faith in a flash of different sceneries with various smiles and jokes that they had shared. She swore that she had actually smiled in her sleep until the end of her dream when she saw Faith falling freely back off of the roof of the building. She jumped to consciousness with a gasp sitting up rigidly in her bed out of breath.   
  
One thing that plagued her through and through was the feeling she got when she wanted to approach Faith, wanted to just push her down into submission – she got this feeling inside of her that she will deny till the day she dies was fear. Why was it that all of a sudden she was unwilling to step up to Faith voluntarily because she was scared of the outcome? She had always been scared, don't be fooled, but never to the point of just, 'not going there,' because of what the outcome might be. It struck her while she lain in bed unable to grasp a wink of sleep as the thought incessantly plagued her – Faith was created to be her match; given everything that she was. They were, in the eyes of the Council, originally supposed to be equally competitive in battle. Sure there were a billion and a half other contributing factors to a Slayer's success in battle, but through all of the hardships she had to admit Faith had been through – she was still standing, and hell, she was standing in the same fucking house!   
  
  
  
The situation between Xander and Faith was – wait here comes an even better understatement than the tension one! – Complicated. From all outside observers it was becoming obvious that Faith was really putting an effort into being tolerable for Xander – she was! The feeling she felt when he walked out of that room when all she wanted was him lying right up against her was something she never wanted to feel if she could avoid it. It was hard to ignore the annoying fact that they seemed to be counteracting each other though – as Faith attempted to now try and get closer and more open with Xander he seemed to just as slowly be closing off and distancing himself. It is not as obvious as it is stated, but it's not a fallacy none the less. Let's focus upon the same Tuesday for the sake of clarity as well as it being the latest day in the House…   
  
The kitchen seemed to slowly clear out after Faith's small joke at Willow with Faith, both far from drunk and far from sober, looking around and telling everyone they needed to, 'fucking lighten up a little!'. Everyone except for Xander had left the kitchen quickly after that. She likened the atmosphere of the place to prison the day there were no cigarettes. She laughed as she recalled the day – Xander remained seated on the chair and glanced up at her quickly. How unlike Faith to talk about her past as though it were just one funny thing after the other, always leaving out the details pertaining to the pain and agony dispersed between each punch line. The expression on Xander's face showed he wasn't interested in Faith's jokes that spoke no truth of the real experience and a complete blankness towards what that real experience was like.   
  
She slid off the counter and walked over to him, standing behind him and draping her arms down the front of his chest. She leaned her head against his affectionately and rocked slightly back and forth with him, having to practically force him into the slight motion. She kissed his jaw gently then turned towards him questioningly at his indifference - that might even be referred to as coldness.   
  
"You okay?"   
  
"I'm fine," he answered dully.   
  
With that Willow walked back by the kitchen, lacking her lover by her side, explaining the sad expression drawn across her features. As she walked by the kitchen door she stopped, and Xander couldn't help but notice the moment of adjustment she had to make seeing Faith standing up against the back of his chair with her arms loosely around him. Xander saw the look and he felt an icy chill flash through his body.   
  
"Good night," she finally said quickly as she continued walking. Xander didn't even bother with a response but Faith threw in a quick,   
  
"Night," to try and keep it as friendly as possible. "What's the matter with you?"   
  
"Let's go," he answered almost angrily as he pushed her arms away from him covered by his intention of trying to get up. Faith was not one to miss body language, ignore it – certainly, but miss, never a chance.   
  
"What? Is this too much PDA for you? Last time I checked, we live here…" she received nothing but a blank look as he still seemed to just want to exit the room. "God, you can stop acting like you hate me – no one's around to see you being nice to me now," she spat. "I may be outdated on this one, I'm sure you'll correct me if I'm wrong, you always seem to be ready for that job, but I didn't think it was against the rules to be nice to the person you're dating in public…"   
  
"We're not dat-" Xander quickly cut himself off as quickly as he had piped up his correction.   
  
"What?" she asked trying to clear the knot that had just formed in her throat.   
  
"Nothing. Can we just go to bed?" Faith stood there without a single movement waiting for a real answer, "Fine, I'll meet you there," was all she got as Xander turned and walked out of the kitchen towards her bedroom. She stood there trying to organize her thoughts, but the best she could come up with was she was aware of the fact she would never be able to date herself, but why the hell did Xander have to start acting like she was?   
  
She took another quick sip to finish off her beer then walked to her bedroom. Maybe all he needed was a little reminder of the advantages of dealing with her… She walked in and he was rummaging through a pile of clothes that had been thrown on top of one of the chairs in the room – okay, domestic housewife was definitely out of her area… that wasn't the advantage she was thinking of anyway. She walked over to him and embraced his arm from the side and kissed his cheek gently.   
  
"Not now, Faith."  
  
"Don't worry, there's no one around, you can look at me now," she stated with a hint of anger. He groaned angrily at her comment and turned away from her and walked towards the bed. She walked after him and grabbed his shirt to keep him from walking away any further.   
  
"What!?" he asked angrily. He turned towards her so they were now standing face to face and she fumbled with his shirt in her hands at the hem. "What, Faith, what do you want?"   
  
"Whatever the fuck you want," she answered matching his tone. "Whatever will get you out of your permanent bad mood…" He looked down at her and brought his hands up to her waist and held it firmly. It was as close to affection as he'd come recently and she leaned closer to him craving his touch and reached her lips upward towards his. He began to lower to meet hers but then stopped and raised his head again and released her waist,   
  
"Not right now."   
  
"What?" she asked having to restrain the tears from meeting her eyes.   
  
"I'm not in the mood."   
  
"You're not in the mood to make love to me?" she asked cautiously.   
  
"Is that what you call it now?" he asked harshly.   
  
"You know what," she answered in a tone trying to conceal how it had just gone from bad to worse.   
  
"I just want to go to bed," he answered grabbing her arm as she turned to walk away from him. She stopped and looked up at him far from being able to hide how upset he had been able to make her so easily.   
  
"I miss you," she admitted stepping up to him. He nodded and they lay down together; he lay on his back and she rested her head on his chest and her arms there also trying to make it feel like he was holding her when his arms were behind his head.   
  
- - - - - - -   
  
Faith woke with a sudden jerk sitting up quickly trying to regain her composure quickly. What a telling motion she made as she woke – out of fear (from visualizing one of the most painful experiences of her life at the closing of her dream) she reached quickly to her side searching for comfort from Xander but just as quickly, when she realized he wasn't there she retreated her hand back to her side, as if she didn't want anyone to know she had reached for him. She looked down, almost ashamed of herself for being so dependant on someone to make herself feel better – but had there ever been a time in her life where she hadn't needed some sort of confirmation from someone else?  
  
Xander, who had actually just gotten up and was only a few paces from the door of the bedroom stopped from the sudden motion, and through the dim atmosphere of the room could just see Faith. He stopped and turned back towards the bed with a questioning expression.   
  
"Where are you going?" she asked trying to cover up the fact that she was out of breath.   
  
"To pee," he answered bluntly.   
  
"Oh…" she answered forcing herself to just get over the fact that he hadn't woken her up. It was just her own insecurities that wanted him to wake her up, but it was something that they had agreed upon, no matter how silly… Xander had understood. A sickening feeling started to make her stomach turn and as he once again neared the door she interrupted, "Xander, can we talk?"   
  
"Can I pee?"   
  
"Sorry," she answered trying to return the levity. She wasn't sure if she had pretended that he had made the comment in a jocular nature, or if it had really been so. She lowered her head back down gently on the pillow and waited for him to come back. The feelings that had started to accrue inside of her demanded attention and recognition – she tried her hardest to ignore the insecure knots that were developing and tightening by the moment reminding herself that she was just abnormally anxious about loving someone, especially as much as she did Xander. She knew there was no going back now; no denying how she felt, but that was okay because she couldn't see any reason to anymore – she loved him and he knew it. She glanced over at the bedside table and the neon block numbers to see what time it was – 4:30.   
  
Xander stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. The only light was from the dim lamp in the hallway, which left much of his reflection to the imagination. He looked at himself as he held his breath tightly within his lungs hoping for the anger inside of him to be expelled from his body with that same breath. He knew the day – and with it came such a pain that struck his heart he felt as though it were about to crumble. Faith was both the hand that was holding it together and crushing it at the same time. Whenever he would look at her – her eyes admitted just how much he meant to her – now what he meant to her. How had he allowed himself to become such a figure in her life? Why had he allowed it? He couldn't be the strength in his own life, why had he offered that false strength to someone else? Too soon was she going to realize that it was all a sophistry and what a mistake she had made by clutching to him for love and strength.   
  
The anger that filled him was for no one else but himself. He hated himself for the mistakes he had made, and oh how many there were. He had never been able to be the strength for anyone… what gave him the fucking right to lie to her and make her think he had something that he didn't? His life was full of pusillanimous lies where he promised a love he didn't even possess to another, who in the end would only find out the cowardliness of his actions. He had played this script through before and had seen the outcome – why had he gone and done it all over again? Why had he set himself up to hurt someone so much again?   
  
Why had he set himself up to be hurt by someone so much again? He had lost someone so dear to his heart that he thought he would never recover from. He still hadn't, was the honest truth. Probably one of the only honest truths he had recognized in quite some time. He couldn't go through a loss like that again… he just couldn't. That was something he recognized about himself, and something he felt he couldn't ignore. The date itself forced him to recognize just how deep he was and equally, just how quickly he had to dig himself back out.   
  
He pulled his lip between his teeth as he stared at himself in the mirror – trying to recognize the sullied reflection as his own. He raised his hand quickly to his eye and wiped the tear that had escaped it. He knew if he had another eye, he would have had to wipe a tear away from that one too. *Thank God for small favors* he thought mordantly. If there was one thing he was actually sure of though, it was the same sight in another would kill him. He couldn't handle it.   
  
He walked back into the dark bedroom and looked down at Faith waiting patiently for him. He slid back into bed and she sat up meeting his level. She rested her head gingerly on his shoulder and watched his face contently with her eyes. She saw the tension in his face and she kissed his jawbone gently returning back to her position on his shoulder. She received absolutely no reaction – if possible, his face might have gotten blanker.   
  
"Can we talk?" questioned a cautious voice.   
  
"Later," he answered finally turning to look at her. After a moment of staring into her eyes he raised his hand up to her face and pulled her into a kiss. As the kiss came to an end she pulled back and spoke again,   
  
"I think we need to talk…"   
  
"We'll talk later… don't worry." His tone had a certain element of dread and of pining for time to stand still but without giving her too much time to interpret his words he pulled her into another kiss. She was taken more easily than usual by his affection because of the extreme lack of it recently. His touch alone caused a shiver to go through her body; and he began rubbing his hands up and down her sides as he kissed her passionately lying her back down on her back as he hovered over her.   
  
Panting, he looked down at her as he pulled her pants down. She propped herself up on her elbows kissing his neck unable to understand why being with him was so different from everything else she'd ever really experienced. Being with him she felt like she was the less experienced of the pair, and all of her past experiences couldn't compare to the way he made her feel. It was something she hadn't understood, or at least allowed herself to acknowledge for so long, but she knew why – she loved him. Not just in the way most people say they are… but in a way that she couldn't see herself ever being without him. Granted, she wasn't the type of person who really ever thought of herself in any further of the future than maybe the next couple of hours, but she had actually tried to picture herself a few years down the line, and the only image she could come up with was of her with his arms around her.   
  
She could feel him inside of her and with a slight shortening of breath she laid back down pulling him with her and quickly reaching his lips to hers. He pulled her into him lifting her back off of the bed slightly. As he filled her more than he knew either of them could handle, and he could hear her softly, and more than barely audibly, whimper his name.   
  
His head was absolutely spinning. He didn't understand why he felt the way he did and he wished he could, but when he did understand, he just as quickly wished he didn't. He was clear on one thing, and the more he thought about it the more he wanted time to just stand still so he could continue on in this dream for just a little longer. Feeling her, in the most complete sense of the phrase, just everything about her, and not strictly in a physical way either, it made him both want to be so much closer to her that even possible, but at the same time it was a huge reminder of how much he had to not be. It was his own weakness that made him want to be both of these things. A feeling of inevitable pain and distrust settled around him as his thoughts again began to be his focus instead of the girl, a girl he cared for so much, lying underneath him.   
  
She looked up at his face as he held himself above her practically gasping for air. She reached her hand up and pushed her hair back from her face over her head, the thin layer of sweat giving it an extra-hold. As she tucked it under her head with her hand she then brought her hand over to his cheek. It was shaking ever so slightly just from the rushes of emotion flooding through her as she lay there. His face was tilted slightly to the side as he seemed to be staring at the blank space directly next to her face. She touched his cheek gently trying to bring his eyes around to her but he seemed to be rigidly holding himself in his set position.   
  
"Xander… look at me…" she urged, the emotions coming clearly into her tone. She could see his jaw twitching nervously as he held his focus firmly. "Fine, don't." As though she had hit a button he climbed off of her and quickly redressed himself in a pair of sweatpants and a tee-shirt. She watched him from the bed unsure of whether there was anything else she could possibly do. She couldn't help but begin to laugh at herself as well – how many times had she jumped out of bed with a guy who she had just as quickly jumped into bed with and reveled in the insecure, lost expression on their face – one that was probably very similar if not identical to the one she was presently wearing.   
  
The laughing quickly ceased as she watched him hastily exit the room. An absolutely undeniable crushing feeling, for lack of a better word consumed. her. The pain that was constantly within her that had been for quite some time pacified by her feelings and affections for Xander seemed to have just been reignited by a newly struck match – the imagery was so vivid in her mind that she could've sworn she smelled the burning match. If the searing pain of a fire burning away at your insides wasn't enough – the new batch of pain caused directly from Xander made fresh breath seem as though it would never pass through her throat again. She had constantly been suppressing the anger that had risen inside of her during his recent antics of being… well, the way he was being; now she saw as a good time to start allowing the caustic feeling to finally start venting.   
  
She threw on a tank top and a pair of sweats and went after him down the hall. She walked quickly through her short hall and up the small staircase and onto the main hall before stopping at the living room seeing him sitting on the couch with his head held sympathetically in his hands. Kennedy watched from the stairs as Faith's expression seemed to melt and with a deep breath she entered the living room. Not for lack of respect, but for untamable curiosity pertaining to the relationship between Xander and Faith she walked to the small room across from the living room where she could clearly see what was going on. She saw so many idiosyncrasies in both Faith and Xander – and in Faith she saw someone who starved for affection as well as shunned it and the way she saw how happy Xander could make her, it was something she wanted so badly to understand as well as just get the enjoyment of seeing.   
  
Willow had always been one for getting up early and the habit had eventually carried over to Kennedy. Although she had spent the night on the couch in Giles' office she had walked upstairs to get dressed once it was about quarter to six, knowing Willow would be awake. She was, as expected, but they had passed little conversation as she grabbed some clothes and changing. Kennedy, had, as was characteristic of her, she glanced over at Willow sitting up in bed with a book in her lap and couldn't help but notice the saddened expression she carried. It wasn't the same sort of look that she would've expected from Willow being angry at her or upset with her so she decided it was safe to question it.   
  
"Why so happy?" she asked sarcastically.   
  
"Just the date, that's all…"  
  
"Did I miss something?"   
  
"No," Willow answered almost assuring her, "it's just Anya's birthday… I bet Xander won't even notice as long as he's got-" she cut herself off knowing she wanted Kennedy to stop being mad at her some time in this century. Kennedy shrugged off the little trivia for the day knowing if she thought over it for too long she would bring back way too many memories of all of the people that were lost in the battle, and then that would make a surefire guarantee of her day officially sucking. She didn't even glance back over at Willow – sure she wasn't going to let the fact hurt her, but the fact that Willow couldn't even hold her tongue about Faith while they were in the middle of a fight over the same thing, that didn't go un-noticed at all! She made her way back down the stairs when she caught sight of Faith by the living room.   
  
Faith walked into the room – much calmer than she had originally set out to be. The floor creaked slightly underneath her soft steps but Xander acted as though a silence surrounded him that couldn't be broken even by the nerve shattering sounds of the Hellmouth collapsing. She carefully sat next to him on the couch with one leg folded underneath her as she touched his shoulder with her hand,   
  
"Xander, look at me…" Her words were pleading with him as he stared blankly down at the floor with an air about him that made him seem rigidly set there. Bringing her hand up to his face cradling it but not forcing it towards her, she held it as she kissed the side of his face gently.   
  
"No," he muttered.   
  
"No what?"  
  
"Faith…" he began without raising his focus to look at her, "I… I ummm…" he started off stumbling for the right words and after a moment of unsureness he gathered his thoughts, or it could be argued his internal anger, which he had possessed throughout his childhood and amassed since. "You of all people should understand that everyone has different ways of dealing with something that's… well, really unable to be dealt with… and you of all people should understand that when you need to deal with something like that, the only way you really can deal with it is… by not dealing with it."   
  
He hadn't raised his eyes until that last piece, and then he looked right into her eyes, but only for the duration it took for him to state those few words. He then entertained his eyes around the perimeter of the room slowly glancing from one wall to the other as though they were somehow different today. Faith didn't answer, being too occupied with pacifying the screaming inside of her telling her everything it had since the first time she admitted to loving him – love isn't an emotion, it's a game. She wasn't even sure if she could say something if she wanted to feeling the sweltering feeling of suffocation overcoming her as she sat there still right beside him feeling that if she moved it would be the last time they were so close to each other.   
  
"There's someone I love," he started again, seeming to have kept talking in his head and randomly begun sharing his thoughts aloud again. "And I will always love her. I tried to think the feeling would go away, but it hasn't and the truth is, it won't. The pain from losing her won't go away either… The agony I felt when I lost her is something I can only hope you can pretend to understand."  
  
"Xander, what are you getting at?" she asked cutting him off. Her tone was tight and forced as she tried to maintain… well, it's hard to say. A false façade, or the reputation she had obtained over the years – if she was going to lose him, all she thought she had left in this world, the only piece of anything she had left, pathetically she thought, was some false, misunderstood reputation, and she wasn't about to let that she disappear too. It was as close to her as she every knew – if everyone else thought they had a hard time keeping up with her and who she was, they didn't even want to try figuring it out from her end.   
  
"Being with you was something I did to pretend I hadn't lost her." He glanced over to her face again and quickly looked away not being able to look at her face, one that he knew could be so full of hate and distrust, something he was only going to compound in the next few minutes. He hated himself more than she ever could. "And because that was fake… so was everything else between us." He paused looking for her reaction but got nothing and urged, "you have to admit this wasn't some dream come true for you, God, Faith, you just got out of prison and were thrown into this huge battle, and-"  
  
"You're wrong," she snapped quickly. "You're so wrong."   
  
"You fucking jumped into bed with Wood as soon as he laid eyes on you! That's how you deal with things, Faith, and this, it's just another way for you to deal… that's all it is!"  
  
"No… I never lied to you! You're fucking wrong!"  
  
"Faith, I don't know how else you need me to say this – I didn't know why I did it, but I figured it out – I was in denial about-"  
  
"I don't care," she cut him off her voice absolutely shaking. She reached her hand to his face again and pulled it to look at her, "I love you… and you love me-"  
  
"No, I don't." A pain shot through him as he said it and in the wounded path rapidly grew a vine of self-loathing.   
  
"You said you wouldn't do this to me," she said shaking her head and standing from the couch.   
  
"Faith," he said looking up at her now, "I'm sor-"  
  
"You promised you wouldn't hurt me… you said you'd never leave me…"   
  
"I know I'm fucked up, Faith-"  
  
"Why did I fucking believe you?" she asked in a tone of pure questioning. It was obvious that the blame in her voice had shifted directly at herself as she asked, "why did I let you?"   
  
"Faith…" he said standing up. She turned and headed for the door seeming like she was in a complete daze and he grabbed at her arm making her stop. Her pull in defense was weak and unbalanced making the holes in his stomach tear wider. To the untrained eye she looked as blank as a sheet of paper, and almost as pale, but he could see the strain in her eyes trying not to expel their telling liquid and her jaw was practically twitching from being held so tightly. "I didn't expect you to act this way." He stated trying to get her to look at him now, "I know I didn't expect you to cry… but I didn't expect you to not say anything either…"   
  
"Did you expect me to beg you not to leave me?" she asked tears evident in her tone as she looked at him pleadingly. "I need you so much… you don't even know how much you do for me," she added with tears now streaming freely down her cheeks. "I need you…" she said stepping close to him and holding his shirt close to her needing him as close as she could get him. "Baby, please don't leave me," she begged pulling at his shirt.   
  
"Faith… please stop," he answered, it obvious in his tone that he was effected by her crying.   
  
"I can't handle it without you… I just can't. Baby, don't leave… I'll do anything, I need you… you don't know how much it hurts… I can't do it without you, baby, please don't leave me…" she began to babble through her tears.   
  
"Faith, that's enough," he said backing out of her embrace, "I can't lie to myself anymore, and I definitely can't lie to you anymore."   
  
"Wait," she said grabbing for him again, she glanced down at herself than back up at him and added, "you can do anything to me… just think what you could do… you know you want-" she said offering the only possible thing she had, herself.   
  
"Faith, knock it off," he said angrily turning away from her.   
  
"Anything… just don't leave me," she pleaded.   
  
"Stop!" he yelled over to her.   
  
"You swore you'd never hurt me like this," she stated stifling her tears and allowing the ever present anger inside of her to quench the agony.   
  
"I can't lose someone again, Faith. I couldn't bear to lose someone that I loved as much as Anya again, so…"   
  
"Lemme tell you something, Xander, living like that sucks, I just happen to be an expert on it. You don't even know what being lonely feels like! I know what being alone is –" As her voice cracked painfully she stopped not wanting to even bother finishing whatever it was that she was going to say. She turned towards the door again walking away from him,   
  
"Faith, are you okay?" She stopped in her tracks and without turning to look at him answered,   
  
"You of all people should know that."   
  
Kennedy stood there, in the doorway to the room across the hall in a state that could be referred to as nothing other than being frozen. She stood there absolutely dumbfounded and confused between whether she wanted to disappear and pretend she hadn't seen a thing, or change forward and scream as loud as she could at Xander. Willow wasn't by far her first relationship, but never before had she even seen a breakup like this one – it was so cold and heartfelt at the same time that it was painful even to watch – she didn't think anyone could handle it well, but then she had to think of all the things Faith had already been through. She couldn't figure out whether all those things would make her shrug it off and say it wasn't as bad as some of the other stuff, or whether it would just add on to the already unbearably long list of pains and finally break her. The rigidity and outward coldness would lend itself towards the first, but Kennedy could overlook all the signs that were so blatant to her of the painful screams she could see.   
  
Seeing Faith heading quickly for the door she walked forward knowing she at least wanted to offer some comfort – she wasn't quite sure what the best way to do that would be, but her thought process was quickly cut off as she stopped short to keep from bumping into Buffy who was walking right down the hall towards Faith's room.   
  
"Hey," Buffy greeted surprised as she too stopped short. She quickly changed her focus towards the doorway to the living room seeing Faith walking through and wanting to walk where she was standing. "Gonna move me?" she asked almost playfully as she sidestepped quickly to stay in Faith's path.   
  
"B, please not now," Faith asked pleadingly glancing quickly up at her. Hearing the tone in her voice immediately snapped Buffy back to a strange emotion she hadn't felt in years. She felt this closeness and companionship with her fellow slayer and friend who she loved and the pain was gone. She glanced into the living room and saw Xander pacing back and forth with his hand pressed up against his forehead as he walked. The feeling came and went within a single breath but the vividness of the emotion was enough to make the effect remain. She looked back down the hall and saw Faith jogging down the small five stair, staircase into her wing. She quickly looked back into the living room and saw Xander still pacing, and then looked over at Kennedy,   
  
"I can't believe he just did that," was all Kennedy could offer of the situation. She was in a state of complete shock unsure of what she could do. She felt tears in her eyes and at first she couldn't place why she was so close to crying, but then it hit her – she knew somehow that what had just happened was going to change everything; she knew that as close as her and Faith had gotten (which she knew was still continental distances apart), she knew it was all about to be changed, and that Faith was just going to change.   
  
"What happened?" Buffy finally inquired. After thinking over what to say for a few moments, she shook her head and answered,   
  
"He broke her heart."   
  
"Xander wouldn't…" Buffy faded off mid-way through her statement losing her sureness as she said it. She still looked to Kennedy for an answer and she answered,   
  
"I've never seen her cry like that before…"   
  
"She was crying?" Buffy asked taken aback by that, it causing her too much to realize the pain within Faith – it was always easier to just picture Faith as she wanted to be seen, a bad ass without any feelings for anything or anyone, and someone who just didn't care. Having to hear that she was that upset made her have to think of how often she had been that upset… at the hands of her.   
  
"She was fucking begging him," she answered coming closer to tears herself, "and she talked about herself like she wasn't worth anything… why does she talk like that?" she asked looking to Buffy for some answer that would just magically explain everything about Faith.   
  
"I don't know…"   
  
"You think you're right about everything and that everyone should just follow you! You don't even know someone who was your friend and who you've known for so long!"   
  
"Fine, all I can give you is my thoughts-"  
  
"That's all you ever offer – nothing you say is based on fact, it's all just your opinion anyway…" Kennedy said cutting her off. Buffy continued without reaction,   
  
"She's absolutely full of rage… and it's not at anyone but herself. But I'm not going to try and explain her, because she's someone I'll never figure out…"   
  
"Because you never tried to," Kennedy answered sharply only giving Xander a cold stare which he met with his eyes, before walking away. 


	17. Part XVII

Adjustment - Part XVII  
  
It was getting late, and while normal people were getting groggy and ready to settle down to sleep for a solid eight to ten hours, Kennedy started to get anxious and excited. She needed to Slay, the feeling was unbearably agitating as she started to just get jumpy over absolutely nothing! The floor would creak under someone's foot or the door would creak upstairs and she would flip her head around needing to check her surroundings. It wasn't fear or apprehension, it was just edginess that was hard to ignore. She noticed that Faith and Buffy dealt with it too; both of them were much more subtle about it, but if you (as she had often) watched them closely as night approached and drew onward, they too started glance around them and reacting to things that only the three of them would even pick up on happening in the house. She could've even accepted that Faith was just like that – always looking over her shoulder and being aware of everything around her, but the trait was apparent, if not more so, in Buffy. The feeling was much worse tonight than usual, and she didn't really understand why that was… maybe she was just stressed out on top of it. She missed Willow and the time they would usually spend together, not to mention that she had been stressing all day over what happened between Faith and Xander.   
  
She walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, which occupied Giles, Xander, and Willow. They were all seated at the table talking, most definitely about the mornings drama, and it was something she didn't want to listen to right now. The look on Willow's face made it clear she wasn't going to be able to pull her away for some talk time between the two of them. She was listening carefully to everything Xander was telling her, even though, from what Kennedy could hear from her eavesdropping as she poured herself a soda, Xander wasn't saying much. He would only say a little something after a strong urge from the other two asking something really specific that could be answered with a yes or a no, and most commonly, a shrug. She was about to leave when she heard Giles finally ask in a stern and confused tone,   
  
"Why in heavens name would you do this? What was this sudden-"  
  
"It's Anya's fucking birthday!" he answered angrily cutting Giles off. Giles looked down at his wrist watch and answered back, matching the young mans tone,   
  
"In a few bloody hours it won't be, and you won't have that girl either! A little short sighted, don't you think? Wait, you probably didn't' think-"  
  
"You have no idea how many hours I spent running over this in my head! You act like this was easy for me, you think I'm not upset too? I fucking lov… I care about her, okay, and doing this wasn't easy, but I needed to do it…"   
  
"Giles, I can understand where he's coming from…" Willow added, "like me, he's lost someone who he cares about so much, and that feeling isn't going to go away, and being with someone like Faith, she's a Slayer, he's at a much higher risk of losing her… he can't go through that again…"   
  
Giles removed his glasses and wiped them with a napkin before placing them back upon his face carefully and looking through them to make sure they were sufficiently clear.   
  
"In all of my years of studies, and believe me, it's quite a large number of years… I never thought I would ever hear picking a lover, a partner, a wife… whatever you may wish to call it, I never thought it would ever be set up in such a factual, statistic way…" Giles tone made it clear that he was inwardly laughing at both of them, "love is something that sweeps you up and makes more sense than any logic that can ever be explained. Xander, when I saw you and Faith together, I was certain you understood that… hmm, wrong yet again, Rupert," he commented more to himself than anyone else, but not at any lower of a volume. "I was unaware that certain people were labeled with different risk factors… if I had been aware, perhaps I would've chosen my lovers differently… As for your solidarity with Xander's decision," he commented now directly at Willow, "may I just mention, that with your labeling Slayer's as a high risk relationship in the department of loss, and you too have suffered a loss as you claim just like Xander's, need I remind you that you seem to also be in quite the serious relationship with one?" With his final closing he glanced over at Kennedy and gave a soft smile in her direction before shrugging at the entire situation and shaking his head sadly.   
  
With a final glance at the two he had left dumbfounded at the table he exited towards his office. He walked slowly down the hallway over to his office shaking his head softly the entire way. A pain welled up in his chest, knowing he could hardly image the agony Faith must've been in; to think how she was going to react to this new addition of pain into her already largely amassed collection of inward pains made him worried. He didn't necessarily go along with Buffy's theory that she was going to freak out and 'go bad' again, but he did fear that her self destructive tendencies were going to be seriously kicking in at any time. He wasn't worried so much for anyone else in the house, because he was sure of Faith, and the way she had shifted her anger over all this time, and it made him much more worried about her – if she was going to be angry, it was going to be at herself. If it were going to be at anyone else it would've been at Xander, and if she hadn't been in control of herself, she would've lashed out immediately when he had broken it off with her.   
  
He had been worried about that possibility and had let Xander know how he felt about that.   
  
("You're a stupid boy… considering you've already had an experience where you've confronted her with something she didn't want to hear and you were almost killed, you decide to tell her something just as bad, not knowing whether another soul in the house is awake?"   
  
"Sorry if I didn't pencil it in!"   
  
"It's very sad that you think of a relationship, one which I would think would be one of the most spontaneous relationships ever considering the company, as something that you need to plan out. I guess it's equally as sad that I would even think she would hurt you… but you're right, she wouldn't – she was absolutely genuine in the way she loved you." ) With that he had exited the room which they had talked and only just met up with him again in the kitchen. He had busied himself much of the day with Wendy and her studies, trying to keep himself occupied.   
  
He felt a strange thing at his reaction – it made him realize, that even though she was his for a very short time, she was his Slayer just as Buffy had been, and with that came a connection, an almost fatherly connection, that no matter how much was placed between them, whether it be time or battles or prison or anything, it was always there. And knowing that something happened to her, it truly upset him from deep within his soul. He could also see the anger inside of Xander, feeling for some reason obligated to make such a rash decision which he didn't want to, but felt that he had to. There was so much anger behind his cavalier attitude that it made it hard for him to make a solid decision on whether to rip the boy's head off or try and talk it through with him.   
  
- - -  
  
After Giles left the kitchen Kennedy did also but heading in the opposite direction. As she walked down the hallway she jumped slightly at the sound of Giles' office door closing at the other end of the house. She needed to talk to Faith about this jumpiness… it would give them something to talk about, and something for Faith to laugh at her about instead of thinking about Xander. She knocked at the door and heard Faith call from within the room,   
  
"Come on in, Kennedy." She smiled to herself as she walked in wondering how she knew it was her.   
  
"Hey," she greeted, trying to act as happy as Faith was pretending to be. Faith gave her a smile as she walked in then walked across the room to her pack of cigarettes and pulled one out of lit it. She placed the box down but then picked it right back up and held it out to Kennedy,   
  
"You want?" she asked as she exhaled.   
  
"No…" Kennedy answered a little confused. She glanced over at the floor by where Faith was standing and it all began to make perfect sense. "Having a little to drink?" she asked looking over at the floor covered almost completely in bottles of various forms of alcohol.   
  
"Just a little," Faith answered with a small shrug.   
  
"I was being facetious," Kennedy muttered rolling her eyes at the way Faith was acting.   
  
"No, there's nothing on your face," she answered.   
  
"You're plastered," Kennedy remarked walking closer to her and saying her words clearly.   
  
"The walls don't need to be plastered…"   
  
"You're fucking drunk!" she said again being very articulate.   
  
"Oh, yeah…" Faith said with a shrug and an attitude of a typical, 'and, your point?'. She grabbed the remote control to the sound system and tossed herself up onto the bed landing on her back and bouncing up once because of the force of her jump. She pressed a button and the loud music filled the entire room. Kennedy walked over to the other side of the bed where all the bottles were just to get a better count, "what?" Faith asked quickly seeing her counting.   
  
"Nothin'," she answered quickly picking her eyes up off of the ground, "is it just me or do you really feel like Slaying tonight?" She immediately regretted suggesting they do anything while Faith was in this state, but she needed something…   
  
"Mostly I just feel like puking, but that's just me…" Faith admitted sitting up on the bed.   
  
"Right… umm, did you eat anything?" She received a shrug as an answer and she groaned inwardly seeing at least a dozen bottles of booze on the floor. A normal person would probably be in a coma, but here was Faith bouncing up and down on the bed… a real good thing she had the constitution she did… or at least she pretended she did. "You should probably eat something… it'll help you sober up."   
  
"Why the fuck would I want to do that?" she asked as she stood up and walked over to the window to toss her cigarette out of. The look in her eyes made it perfectly clear to Kennedy that no matter how drunk she may be, she was still completely aware of why she was trying to not be aware.   
  
"It's not really my place, but… Faith, this isn't the way to deal with this."   
  
"There's nothing to deal with," she claimed with a laugh as she walked by Kennedy headed back for the bed. Kennedy reached for her arm and kept her from walking,  
  
"Don't talk like that!" Her tone proved how much she knew about Faith, and how dangerous it was for Faith to start thinking that way.   
  
"Fuck off," Faith answered pulling her arm away from Kennedy's grip. Her grip was strong and as Faith pulled against it, she didn't expect it to match her own and she was thrown off of her already shifty balance. As she tried to step away, expecting to already have a freed arm, her step caught and she fell to the floor in a sitting position.   
  
"I'm sorry," Kennedy quickly apologized seeing how quickly her expression changed from a happy and cheery, fake expression to a *very* upset look that was trying to be hidden beneath the surface. "It's okay," Kennedy quickly soothed holding her arm down to help Faith up.   
  
"There's nothing about this that is fucking close to being okay," she answered angrily pushing away the aiding hand and trying to push herself up in a very unbalanced and drunk way. "I'm fucking wasted and he still won't get out of my fucking head," she muttered as she sank back down to the ground knowing she wasn't going to be able to get up without the help she would die before using.   
  
"Faith, come on," Kennedy comforted offering her hand again.   
  
"Just go away," she answered coldly looking down at the ground pensively. She hurt all over and she couldn't think of anything that could possibly make it stop. The added joy of the room beginning to spin around her was one she could've easily done without, but way too many drinks too late to be getting picky about the effects of the intoxication. There were a bunch of different 'drunks', as she thought of it – there was the drunk where you feel like you're on top of the fucking world and nothing can touch you, yeah, this definitely wasn't one of those. The 'drunk' she had was definitely… shitty. She felt dizzy and nauseous and the only thing the alcohol was doing for her was making her think it was okay to cry. It wasn't! She told herself she wouldn't fucking cry over him – if he never loved her, then he never would and she just had to get the fuck over it.   
  
As Kennedy walked down the hallway she saw Xander walking into the living room. She could hear the television talking to everyone, so she knew there were probably a bunch of people in there. She turned in after Xander and took a seat on the couch next to Andrew. She looked at what they were watching and after a few minutes she could tell it was another one of her favorites, City By The Sea. The tension in the room was obvious, with Andrew, Robin, Xander and her sitting in there. She caught a few of the quick glances Wood was tossing over at Xander, and let me tell you, they weren't friendly. Xander sat rigidly in the chair not naïve to the situation and finally spoke up,   
  
"Am I sensing a little tension in here?"   
  
"Yes, you are," Wood answered confidently, "but if I leave… most of the tension will too." He stood looking down at Xander sitting there and walked out, anger apparent in his posture and demeanor.   
  
The Next Day   
  
After talking over the situation with Giles in a conversation that had begun on the, well it's unsure of whether to call it a fortunate or unfortunate topic, that there had been some vampire sightings throughout the town, Buffy headed towards Faith's bedroom. They had talked for quite a while on the subject, Giles being quite troubled by the situation. This was evident by whenever she attempted to add half of a joke, she was immediately scolded and placed back onto the real conversation on hand.   
  
She walked down the five stairs and down the dim hallway before stopping and knocking on the bedroom door. She didn't get any answer so after a few minutes she slid open the door and walked in. She looked over and saw Faith lying down on the bed curled up to a pillow staring at the shadows cast upon the wall by the flickers of light caused by the outside world.   
  
"It's a good thing you took a nap," Buffy said walking over to the bed and sitting down by Faith's feet, "we've got a lot of work to do tonight…" Faith barely breathed a response and continued to only be entertained by the shadows. "Come on, the three of us are going to patrol," she urged, without trying to sound like she was urging. She didn't see any movement and she added as she motioned to stand, "If your not up to it, that's fine."   
  
"I'm up," she muttered, the words painfully familiar.   
  
"Faith, you've been through a lot, it's okay if-"   
  
"Whatever, it's fine," she answered sitting up and quickly pushing herself off of the bed and standing. Buffy was proud of her convincing tactics to get Faith out of her room, or at least just out of bed, but the proud feeling was quickly overruled by the pain she felt by seeing Faith's bloodshot eyes and strained features. She looked so tired and emotionally wiped out if she didn't know better she would've thought she was just recovering from a week long party of drinkin' and drugin'. Looking at her reminded her of the night in the motel when she realized what a bad sleeper she actually was, and how when her and Xander had been together, it had seemed to get better… now it looked like it was right back to where it was, if not further back.   
  
She watched Faith walk over to a pile of clothes on a chair at the other end of the room, one that was apparently not completely all her own clothes. She watched as Faith rummaged through them and had to act as though the ones that belonged to Xander weren't even really there. She tossed them to the floor just as she did with all of the others, but if watched closely her eyes followed those particular garments all the way to the ground and lingered slightly on them before returning back to the pile. She finally picked out an outfit and piled them on her bed,   
  
"Kind of nice for patrol, don't you think?"  
  
"Won't take all night," she answered.   
  
"Right," Buffy answered with a nod. Why the hell couldn't she be close enough with Faith to just be able to talk to her straight? The thought made her realize – Xander was close enough to talk with her straight… she had been close enough with her at one point… how many other people had gotten to be that close and circumstance crushed it? She was sure the number of people Faith had ever been close with in her life could be counted on one hand and that was being generous… as of right now, she could probably count it on a single finger… She found herself quickly moving her eyes and staring out of the window as Faith started to change without any heads up.   
  
"So… umm… how are you doing?" Buffy asked feeling awkward enough being in the room, but way more awkward having her changing. Faith couldn't help but laugh at her for it and commented,   
  
"And Spike said you had loosened up a lot more than a bit, but I think I might have to call the dick a liar." With that Buffy looked back over at a now fully clothed Faith – she was wearing a tight pair of black, leather pants and a red, halter top. She ran her fingers thoughtlessly through her hair and turned back to Buffy as she grabbed a leather jacket off of the chair. "Ready?" The look on Buffy's face was too easy to mock and it goes without say that Faith had to seize the opportunity, "what, is it Spike's birthday today or something… you all stuffy about him too?" Faith had since been informed that the day Xander decided she was too risky and meaningless to be with was in fact Anya's birthday, how ever many hundred years ago that exactly was. Being dumped for a demon she could almost accept… but a dead demon, she wasn't sure she could handle that thought. With an inward shrug she pushed any relating thought to the back of her head just adding it as another thing on her long list of, 'you'll never   
  
believe I actually…' list. It was pretty long…   
  
---  
  
Xander watched from the kitchen as the three Slayers walked down the hallway and out onto the world where they were going to perform their callings… it was strange to think, after so long of there really just being one chosen one, that there were so many more, and three right there. He figured the way Faith was dressed was some cruel form of punishment for him – she looked like a sultry goddess. He ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he watched them all leave, not overlooking the door Faith slammed on her way out. It made him nervous any time Buffy would go out to slay, there was just so much that could happen. He worried about all of them, especially Faith. He had a scary feeling inside of him – he knew Faith was never one to be too careful when she was slaying, it was a game, a release, a fight between life and death that she toyed with to amuse herself. He could see her being even more careless in the state she was in. But that was why he had to do what he did – losing her was something he just wouldn't have been able to handle; just because they weren't 'together' anymore, didn't mean the worrying automatically disappeared. He cared about her a lot and there wasn't much he could see happening that would change that.   
  
The way she had walked by him and hadn't even raised an eyebrow in his direction was classic Faith. He figured the way she was going to deal with this whole thing was to just ignore him, pretend like it was nothing. He couldn't help but remember the first time they had been together, his first time, and the mention of her name made his eye twitch furiously, but she only acknowledged his existence when she thought it worth her time. Although the memory validated his point about the way she acted, it also brought feelings that he didn't want to be dealing with right now. She had been his first, and with that came a sort of eternal place inside of him… even if it hadn't exactly been a storybook experience. He actually shook his head from side to side trying to clear the thoughts that were invading it.   
  
He had made his decision and it hadn't been easy, but it was what had to be done. He could admit he still cared about her, hell, as long as it was only for him to know, he still loved her, but they couldn't be together – he couldn't handle it. He rested his head on his hand as he began to think about Anya, and his heart felt as though it were going to break. But nothing would ever beat, or at least he hoped he would never experience anything worse than having to hear Faith literally beg him not to leave her. Listening to that made his lungs deflate and feel like they'd never accept air inside of them again.   
  
He caught himself drifting off into thinking about Faith again and redirected his attention back to Anya. The only thing he had done to deal with Anya's death was to jump into the sack with Faith… was that all it was? He knew he helped Faith deal with her problems, but Faith was him dealing. The thought made him angry at himself for thinking he could use her like that – he understood why she would be angry and not want to even look at him. He didn't want to look at him.   
  
-----  
  
As the three Slayer's walked down the dark sidewalk all had separate thoughts pertaining to the night. Buffy was glad she could get Faith out of the house and doing something she knew Faith probably took a little bit too much enjoyment in doing… it would help her blow off some steam. She couldn't help but feel a little awkward though – whenever she had gone on patrol she had always been the leader without any question or thought about it. And she would've continued with the same assumption except the posture and body language of not only Faith, but Kennedy also, made her question it. All three of them were Slayers… she used to go patrolling with Faith way back in the day but it was always kind of understood that she was in charge because Faith was new to the gig. It occurred to her then that Faith hadn't exactly been happy about that whole assumption either. And Kennedy, who seemed to be following much more in Faith's footsteps than her own would probably question what made Buffy in charge anyway. All of the answers she had for that question… the lists of battles and apocalypses… none of it really seemed to matter anymore.   
  
Kennedy felt more comfortable than she thought she would – keeping pace with the other two took effort, but she followed their leads. Both of them had such different styles of scanning their surroundings, it was interesting to watch. She watched Buffy who walked quietly watching where she was going but having a very open perspective as to pull in all of her surroundings without looking like she was doing anything but looking down at the sidewalk. Faith on the other hand walked with a clear certainty and looked around at everything. When they'd pass people Buffy would get a quick glance and then proceed while looking down at the ground, where as Faith would stare them straight in the eye for a few paces and look them over.   
  
Faith felt like she was doing all of the things she would normally do – she didn't have a set routine or anything, it just flowed… when things went down she just dealt with it, she never thought about it before hand. Her breath tightened at the thought as she drew a classic parallel in her life – slaying had always been like layin' for her. She scolded herself for doing the same thing with Xander – she would've been able to avoid all of this if she had just thought it through before she got so involved. Everything seemed like it should feel okay, but it didn't. Everything seemed kind of blurry and far away – she could hear everything just fine, but it somehow seemed like it was coming from a mile off.   
  
"We should hit the heart of town and then work our way out from there," Buffy finally announced trying to establish herself as the leader.   
  
"Good plan," Faith answered with a little more than a hint of sarcasm as she stepped past Buffy as a clear sign that she didn't have a problem slaying with her, but she wasn't about to be bossed around.   
  
They all walked further into town and it was busy, but not too noisy. Most of the crowds were inside of restaurants or bars, not hanging out on the corners or sidewalks. They walked by one of the parking lots for a restaurant and there was a couple walking towards their car. Both were obviously intoxicated by the way they swayed from side to side as they walked and the woman had an almost continuous giggle. They were talking to each other as they walked and all three Slayers watched the scene carefully. Buffy and Kennedy motioned to keep moving, but Faith stopped and completely ignored them and found a shadowed area to just watch from. Kennedy and Buffy were forced to stop and wait and they stood by Faith.   
  
"Faith, let's go," Kennedy said softly as she pulled on her jacket sleeve. She could see Buffy getting less and less patient with the whole situation, and the last thing she wanted to have to stand between was the two Slayers going at it again. Buffy had been really good about the whole Xander thing and had really backed off of Faith since it happened, but it was obvious she was ready to be set off again and start right back up on the challenges.   
  
"Shut up." The comment was short and abrupt and it practically jolted Kennedy back to silence. Faith watched the couple closely and Buffy couldn't help but think Faith was just dealing with her breakup. She grabbed at her arm to tug her on but Faith quickly and angrily pulled it out of her grip and it was then when she heard her cue from the couple.   
  
The man had been walking just next to the woman and as they neared the car he lowered his hand to her butt and gave her a teasing squeeze. The woman quickly removed his hand and shook her head while still giggling. He put his hand back on her lower back-  
  
"Hey!" Faith yelled as she walked out from the shadows and into the parking lot.   
  
"Faith, what the hell are you doing!?" Buffy asked trying to grab her and pull her back.   
  
"Who the hell are you?" the man asked angrily.   
  
"I think she's trying to tell you no."   
  
"God, slaying is hard enough, why does Faith have to be a socially sound patrol too…" Buffy groaned to Kennedy.   
  
"Strip clubs down the street honey, you're a block too far north," the man answered rudely as Faith approached.   
  
"You would know, wouldn't you…"   
  
"Excuse me, do you have any idea who I am?"   
  
"No, but I could make a few guesses," she answered sharply still walking steadily towards them. Sirens started to go off in Buffy's head and she finally walked out into the lot,   
  
"Let's go," she said towards Faith. "This is none of your business and we've been down this road before… *he's* not really our area," she hinted pointedly trying to get across the whole human bit. As she jogged towards Faith, Faith looked up at the roof of the restaurant and answered,   
  
"No, but they are." As she said it four vamps jumped down from the roof and surrounded the four of them in the lot. Kennedy wanted some action but she wasn't about to jump in first – she didn't want to mess everything up. Each slayer took on two vamps and Kennedy rushed forward to help. Buffy dusted the first, then Faith knocked one to the ground by Kennedy's feet and she dusted it. The third vamp knocked Kennedy to the ground, but Buffy had her back and was right on it sending sharp punches on the vamp. Buffy dusted the third one just in time to look over and see Faith not dusting the last vamp but holding her hands up and stepping to the side as the vamp approached the man,   
  
"Go ahead, have fun with him," she added ready to walk away. She wasn't about to break a sweat helping that creep.   
  
"Faith!" Buffy yelled as the vamp was getting closer and closer to the man. She turned to Buffy and gave a histrionic shrug.   
  
"Faith!" Kennedy screamed in warning as she saw another vamp with a wooden crate approaching Faith from behind. She barely had time to crinkle her eyebrows in a response before she felt the crate smash her in the back of the head. She fell forward with a groan and heard Kennedy and Buffy's running footsteps, so she didn't even bother to get up and stake the motherfucker. They'd handle it and she'd just stay right down there trying to make her head stop spinning.   
  
As the two girls dusted the last vamps the couple jumped into their car and sped away, ready to deny anything that had happened that night, and think of it as a bad hallucination from impure alcohol.   
  
"Faith, are you okay?" Kennedy asked rushing over to her. Faith had rolled onto her back and sat up. Buffy pushed Kennedy out of the way and yelled angrily,   
  
"What the hell is your problem?"   
  
"Back off," Faith muttered as she stood up.   
  
"In case you've once again forgotten, as Slayers we kill vampires we don't feed people to them!"   
  
"Don't forget the occasional advantage of fucking 'em every now and again," Faith spat angrily.   
  
"Hey!" Kennedy scolded at both of them, "knock it off, would you?"   
  
"Them's fightin' words, Faith…" Buffy mocked.   
  
"I can't deal with you right now, B," Faith said motioning to walk away.   
  
"You think I deal with you out of choice?" Faith kept walking trying to ignore Buffy's angry words,   
  
"Where are you going?" Kennedy called out with concern.   
  
"To go cool off," she answered without stopping.   
  
"Probably more like going to get heated up," Buffy muttered angrily.   
  
"You're going to let her go like that?" Buffy gave the same histrionic shrug Faith had and headed back towards home. Kennedy followed her knowing she'd probably cause more trouble for Faith than good.   
  
- - - -   
  
Dawn and Xander were sitting quietly in the front room, a smallish room of a very rectangular shape, it was longer than it was wide by quite a few feet so it was almost more like a big wide hallway. There were a few chairs in there and some books that Giles had scattered there. Dawn tirelessly flipped through them looking for anything she could feed her brain with. Xander let out his fourth sigh in the last thirty seconds and Dawn finally looked up at him. He looked miserable.   
  
"You okay?" she asked with concern.   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"You know you can always talk to me, right? I mean I know there's a lot of things you think I won't understand, but… hey, having Buffy, Ms. Romantic Wreck, as a big sister, I'll understand more than you might think."   
  
"Thanks, Dawnie," he answered with a chuckle.   
  
"It's just hard, you know, when there's something you have to do that you know you have to, but you wish you didn't. And you know it's the right thing to do, but it never feels right… ever." Dawn mustered up the courage to ask him why he had done what he'd done,   
  
"Xander, why did you-" but before she could finish the question Buffy angrily stormed through the garage door.   
  
"Is everything alright?" Xander asked.   
  
"I swear, her only purpose on this Earth is to make me miserable," Buffy stated angrily walking down the hall and into the kitchen. Xander stayed in the front room, hoping he was too obvious in how much he just wanted to see Faith. Kennedy followed a little ways after Buffy, and he assumed Faith would also. Kennedy slumped down in a chair next to Dawn,   
  
"They're worse than little children," she groaned.   
  
"Where's Faith?" Xander asked, not really caring how bad it looked for him to be asking.   
  
"She didn't come back with us…" Kennedy answered; she immediately felt guilty and worried as the words passed through her lips.   
  
"Where did she go?" he asked nervously.   
  
"Why do you care?"   
  
"Kennedy, come on… you don't understand, she'll get herself into trouble and…"   
  
"And why do you care?" she answered back. She was the only other person to see how much Xander had actually hurt her and she wasn't about to let him just pretend that was okay.   
  
"Please, I just need to make sure she's okay… I don't want to see her get hurt again and it be my fault."  
  
"She said she was just going to go cool off…"   
  
"Where!?" he asked trying to mask his panic. With a slight shrug as a response Xander grabbed his jacket off of one of the coat racks by the door and practically ran out of the door.   
  
"Instead of trying to get everyone's last names on the mail box, we should just put, 'The House of the Confusing'!" Kennedy groaned as she sunk deeper into the chair.   
  
- - - - - -   
  
A few years back Alexander Harris would've stuck out like a sore thumb in the bar he walked into – but from his experiences since then and his style alterations he didn't look too bad. In fact, he looked pretty damn good walking in there strutting his stuff and clicking his heals on the floor confidently. He walked straight up to the bartender after taking a quickly glance around and seeing that there were just a few guys sitting around a table with a few pitchers of beer.   
  
"Excuse me," he began getting the bartender's attention. He was ignored so he took it up a notch, "Hey!" The bartender turned around slowly and looked over at Xander, scanning him up and down to know whether to talk big or call over the bouncer.   
  
"What can I do for you?"   
  
"I'm looking for a girl… she's this tall," he said lifting his hand up to her exact height – something he had memorized crisply in the last few weeks, "dark wavy hair, really really pretty… have you seen her?"   
  
"A bit earlier tonight I did…"   
  
"Any idea where she went?"   
  
"She was in here when a bunch of the younger regulars come in here – word got around that there was a party at one of the frats and the place emptied out… I think that's around when she left too…"   
  
"Where's the fr-"   
  
"Is she your girlfriend?" one of the men from the table asked loudly.   
  
"What does it matter?" Xander asked quickly turning towards them. The same guy leaned over to his friend and commented,   
  
"Man, she was a hell of a dancer wasn't she?"   
  
"Hell yeah," he answered with a chuckle.   
  
"Buddy, if I were you, I'd keep that girl on a short leash!"   
  
"With a chain choker collar," the friend answered laughing, "if you know what I mean."   
  
"She would look good in chains, wouldn't she?" the guy answered, the whole table laughing now.   
  
"What'd you say?" Xander asked furiously walking over to their table.   
  
"There ain't too many girls walking around here that look like that," they guy said further provoking him. "If she were mine I wouldn't let her out of the house!"   
  
"Sounds like a great strategy towards a long-term relationship, really!" By now Xander was standing just next to their table and the guy stood up to face him,  
  
"Well, seeming as how you're walking around town looking in bars for your girl, my guess is, you ain't got a great long-term strategy either…"   
  
There had been few occasions in Xander's life where he had snapped – just completely lost his shit and lashed out of whatever caused it. It was a very rare occurrence, but when it happened, it was pretty scary. Everything pent up inside of him right now – he just didn't have nay other way of dealing with it. He reached out and grabbed the jacket collar of the guy and threw a quick right punch straight to his face. Luckily most of the guys at the table were mostly into the cheering part of the fight and didn't really feel like jumping in, except for the one who the guy had been talking to.   
  
"Hey!" he yelled as he threw himself into Xander. The bouncer ran over to break up the fight and he grabbed the friend by his jacket and pulled him off. The first guy was back up with a bloody nose and before the bouncer could grab him he punched Xander in the face twice, once in the nose and once in the eye,   
  
"I wonder if I punched the other side of your face if you'd call it a black eye, or a just a black eye socket!" he mocked angrily. Xander got in another good punch to the guys face before being grabbed by the bouncer and brought to the door. He wasn't a regular, he didn't get the privileges. He walked agreeably out with the bouncer who waited by the front door to make sure he didn't try to come back in.   
  
"It's not smart to be a newcomer and make trouble…"   
  
"I'm really sorry," he explained. "I just really need to find her… can you please tell me where that frat is?"   
  
"I don't really think I want to be pointing a guy like you, who's angrier than hell at his girlfriend, in her direction… saw what you did to that guy in there, I don't want to know what you're going to do to your girl after the night she's been having.   
  
"Believe me, sir, she could kick my ass in four point restraints!" The joke, and the fact that a hundred dollars happened to fall out of Xander's jacket pocket was enough to get him directions to the frat where Faith *might* be.   
  
He walked up to the frat house and saw there were still dozens of college students going in the door. He fell in line with the rest of them without raising too much suspicion. As he walked through the door past a tall guy who seemed to be watching out for who he let in he called over to Xander,   
  
"Hey you…" But Xander gave a half wave and kept walking and lost himself in the crowd. It took him about 0.00001 seconds to spot Faith in the crowd. She was dancing in the middle of the room, which had at least fifty students crammed into it dancing to the blaring music. Little to his surprise Faith had at least a dozen guys all over her and he could tell she was basking in the attention. He stood there starring at her being able to handle such a crowd of guys being all over her and he thought about how for a while he had been all she needed. He'd never seen her dancing with only one guy in the Bronze, or anywhere else for that matter… one was just not enough attention for her anymore. But he had been enough for her… He swallowed hard as his throat clamped shut.   
  
He started to get angry again – he left her because he didn't want to lose her, but he wasn't about to watch her degrade herself like that and have all those men with their hands *all* over her. She was too good for this and the frustrating thing about it was that he seemed to be the only one who knew that. He knew when they had been together he had made her know she was worth more than this – but he was also the person who had treated her like garbage and made her feel worthless. And he knew the only way she could feel like she was worth something was like this… it practically made him sick to his stomach. None of those guys knew who she was, or what she had been through, or hell, how much time she had spent behind bars… how many people she'd killed… they didn't know how much she'd been through – they didn't know her!   
  
He pushed his way through the crowd, pulling past girls grabbing him for a dance and fighting his way through the crowd of guys trying to get closer to the middle without making it too obvious. He finally got up behind Faith and not wanting to instantly be pushed away by the dancing crowd he put his hands around her waist, ensuring that if they moved it would be together. He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected it, but as soon as he touched her waist she began rubbing up against him, moving her hips to the rhythm and roughly against him. She raised her arms up and rubbed the sides of his face and slid them down his neck all behind her back without even knowing or for that matter, caring who he was.   
  
Before he would've seen these gestures as signs of affection or foreplay, but he knew her so much better now, and the silky touches and curved thrusts all seemed so mechanical to him now. He knew for a fact that if she had done this years ago, when she first came into town he'd be instantly turned on and practically out of control by now, but now he felt sick and really sad. *Faith stop it* he begged in his head. What right did he have to say it out loud when she had begged him a few days earlier and he had purposely ignored her pleas? She motioned to move on to another dance partner but he held onto her waist firmly and she smoothly turned to look at the *jerk* who thought she already belonged to him. As her eyes met his he spat angrily,   
  
"Since when are you into youngin's?"   
  
"They need a little guidance… showing them how to treat a girl." She broke away from the crowd of disappointed guys and headed towards their make-shift bar. "Same," Faith stated to the kid standing behind the table followed by a sharp wink and smile. He lined up four shots of vodka and a glass half full of water.   
  
"So are you saying all of us half decent guys should whip out a notepad and a pencil and jot down all these great pointers you're giving these assholes?" She looked up at him through the glass of water and answered,   
  
"Pot calling the Kedamene black," she joked having to laugh at herself, "you were kind of automatically taken out of the whole half decent category about three days ago." She finished the glass of water and put it down on the table and began on her round of shots. He swallowed down that and continued,   
  
"So tell me, what exactly should go on this list… I think I have the beginning but you can help me add on to it. First, to make a girl feel good make sure you get all over her, but don't forget, knowing her name is bad. Hmmm… second, can you help me out on this one? I only caught onto that one thing you were teaching them."   
  
"Xander, go away," she answered swallowing down the last of the four shots. "I'm just having a good time – go home."   
  
"Not a chance," he answered quickly. She began to protest and he added, "granted I didn't do a lot of college partying, you know the whole lack of college thing, but I did pick up on the fact that most of them end with the cops showing up… you'll be an easy target in about an hour at the rate you're downing those-"   
  
"Go home." With that she walked away from him and back onto the dance floor. He groaned angrily and turned to the kid behind the bar,   
  
"Hey, how much has she been drinking?" The kid smiled and picked up two nearly empty bottles of Absolut Vodka and waved them slightly for Xander,   
  
"Mostly her." Xander nodded then found himself a spot leaning against the wall where he could keep a good eye on her. He was also keeping a watchful eye on all of the other guys around the room keeping their eyes on Faith. It was a level of awareness he had learned from her – but after two bottles of vodka, anyone's level of awareness was going to be impaired, even a Slayers. He became especially aware of two guys standing across the room from him – they had been eying her all night and kept making comments to each other as they watched. Now that wasn't really anything out of the ordinary considering everyone in there was staring at her, even the chicks, Faith's a lot of things, but low profile isn't one of them. But most other people were doing things and partying, these two guys seemed to have one focus, and it didn't feel right.   
  
As he watched he saw a lot of things he didn't like – but there were actually a few he had to extol her on. He watched her consistently turn down any drinks she hadn't watched being pored, she never left the table with a drink – she drank them all right there and left. She knew she was drinking a lot, but she was also pretty aware of what she was drinking. Every time she went back to the table she always had a glass of water before having the usual four shots.   
  
Her stamina was certainly something to brag about. She outlived the entire dance floor and as he had suspected, his two friends standing across the room moved onto the floor. One of them stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist while leaning his head on her shoulder and grinning at her. The other took her hand and whispered something in her ear. She didn't smile but gave a jaded rolling of the eyes and then a tired nod. With that they began to lead her off of the dance floor. Xander practically jumped up and walked quickly over to them,   
  
"Where the hell do you think you're going?"   
  
"I'll meet you up there," Kurt, one of the guys said to his friend. His friend, Tommy nodded and started to walk away with Faith again, still whispering sweet nothings in her ear, while Kurt stood in front of Xander.   
  
"She's not going anywhere with you," he cut in trying to push past Kurt.   
  
"I'd ask you if you wanted another black eye, but I don't think I can really call that mangled hole under that patch an eye." Between the emotions built up inside of him, the anger that had been causing his jaw to twitch all night, and the fear that they might actually get her out of his sight, was what probably made him a little scarier to be around.   
  
"Listen to me you fucking punk, she's not going anywhere with you, got that!?" he screamed grabbing the kid by the collar.   
  
"Woah, dude, you've got issues," Kurt said holding his hands up.   
  
"No, I think a couple of college guys who stand around watching a girl all night get drunk and get tired just so you can have some fun, that's having issues," he stated angrily walking past Kurt and grabbing Tommy by the shoulder. "Train stops here, asshole."   
  
"Dude, we were just going to have some fun," he said defensively as he held onto Faith a little looser.   
  
"I don't think she'd have the energy tonight," he stated trying to hide the rage building up. He stepped up and took Faith from Tommy. Both guys saw it in their best interest to make a run for it – who let that psycho into the party in the first place?   
  
"Fucking hardass!" Tommy yelled as they retreated.   
  
"Faith…" he said ignoring them completely. She was still standing and looked like she was just tired, but she didn't know what the hell was going on. "Hey, can you look at me?" he asked softly. She softly shook her head, barely noticeably, but rested her head on his chest and muttered,   
  
"Let's just go back to your place, okay?" Swallowing the lump down in his throat he walked her out of the frat house and they walked gingerly back to the house. It took a long time needing to take a lot of breaks and Faith wasn't exactly moving too quick.   
  
"God, don't you have a fucking car?" she muttered as they were about ten minutes away from the house. She was really too drunk to even know who he was or where she was even going. He had to breathe deeply to calm his stomach which was doing flips as he listened to what she would say. What could've happened if he hadn't found her? "Wake me up when we get there, okay?" she muttered as her legs finally gave out on her. He was quick to catch her since his arms were already stabilizing her as she walked.   
  
"Okay," he said picking her up in his arms and walking the stretch of the block. He couldn't help but remember the last night he had done this – it was when he felt the closest to her, but also became aware of how dangerous that was and how quickly he needed to distance himself. He opened the door carefully with one of his hands that wasn't exactly a free hand, but it would have to pretend it was. He stepped into the house and saw the dim light coming from Giles' office. He stepped out quickly to greet Xander and was very surprised by what he saw.   
  
"Look what I found," he said with more than a little anger in his tone.   
  
"Everyone else is asleep." Giles answered as he absorbed what he was seeing. Xander was standing there with a badly bruised and swollen eye and a small blood stain by his nose and then there was Faith. It upset Giles to see her like that – she was limp in his arms with her head rested against his chest and her hair hung over her shoulder carelessly. He could see beads of sweat on her forehead that shinned in the overhead light. Her legs hung limply down towards the ground and-, Giles shook his head, she just looked so helpless. That was one of his Slayers, and there she was, needing to be carried home and she was completely comatose.  
  
"Good." He answered sharply – he had been through way too much tonight and was in no mood to deal with anyone. Faith moved slightly in his arms and began to cough. It raised Giles' level of concern and he added,   
  
"Someone should keep an eye on her tonight." He had also noticed Xander's immediate reaction when she coughed, and although he thought she just needed some rest and probably quite a bit of aspirin, he knew some time together might be exactly what those two needed. Seeing him holding her again made it impossible for him to forget how happy both of them were when they were together. Xander answered by walking quickly away and through the hallway with Faith towards her bedroom. He walked silently down the small five steps and into the dim hallway of her wing trying to just not say anything as he listened to the soft noises she made. He wasn't sure whether to think of it as sleeping or not, but… they were sweet little moans, or maybe even whimpers that she made – just one or two as he lowered her down softly onto the bed.   
  
He thought by the way she acted when he placed her down that she might make up, but it was only a half sort of consciousness. He lowered her down onto the bed and she gripped one arm looped around his neck and lowered the other to the bed, suspecting that was where she was going to be put down. She opened her eyes just barely but her vision was blurry and instead of blinking furiously to clear them she figured it was probably for the best that it was blurry and just closed them again. He helped get her out of her leather jacket carefully supporting her with his arm behind her back as he did so. He gently put her head on the bed once the jacket was off and draped it on the end of the bed. Xander stood looking down at her as she lay there and his mind began to race with emotions and everything that had happened.   
  
Xander stepped away from the bed and pulled off his jacket with a sigh. He tossed it habitually onto the chair full of clothes. He sighed seeing that some of his clothes were still there mixed in with hers. He felt like a real asshole for not thinking about how that must make her feel whenever she looked at it. He glanced back at the bed and saw her lying there. She was lying on her side with her head rested on her arm and her hair slightly in her face. He walked over pushed the strands of hair behind her head and sighed again. He stood there for a few minutes just watching her with his arms crossed tightly across his chest allowing all of the things in his head to just run savagely around his brain hoping they would eventually settle.   
  
He glanced over at the table expecting to see the clock, which had been there… well, less than a few days ago when he woke up in here. He was surprised not to see it in it's usual station but he glanced around and saw it thrown to the floor. It had also been one of the first things she had woken up to in the last few days too… He picked it up and just righted it's position on the floor not wanting to impose on where she was putting things… it was close to five in the morning. He couldn't help but yawn in reaction to finally being able to notice what time it was. It had certainly been quite a long night – or would you call it morning? He walked around to the other side of the bed; he had habitually placed her down on her side and left his side empty… the brain was a funny thing – a sick and mean and spiteful thing that was having a lot of fun toying with his subconscious at the moment.   
  
There was a soft knock on the door and Giles walked slowly in carrying a glass of water and some aspirin. He looked over at Xander debating whether to lie down or not and he gave him an encouraging, but small nod as he walked to the table next to Faith's side of the bed and put everything down quietly. He looked down at her for a moment and could see all of the irresponsibility and carelessness, but he also saw the pain and the self-loathing and self-destructiveness he saw when he looked at her. He gave a final glance up at Xander then left as quietly as he had come.   
  
Xander eased himself onto the bed slowly trying not to wake her – she was the worst sleeper he'd ever met… and well, slept with. The random thought occurred to him that it's pretty unlikely you could ever really know whether someone slept well unless you were involved with them… there was his random thought for the day! He wasn't sure whether Giles' nodded and small smile had been what made him sit down, but he sat never the less. The alcohol was definitely helping him in the not waking up factor – she moved slightly and groaned as the bed moved, but didn't wake up. He sat up on the bed leaning his back against the backboard of the bed. He watched her sleep – he couldn't even swear that he blinked the entire time.   
  
*I've never seen anything so beautiful* he thought to himself, *good, Xander, real good, watch a girl completely passed out and think it's beautiful… I've got some real issues…* he shook his head knowing his issues were what caused all of this. But the problem was, he couldn't decipher whether the effects of his issues had started when they first got together, or when they had just broken up. *I hate seeing her so upset* he admitted shaking his head and secretly wiping a stray tear from his eye. She was so amazing and here he was sitting right next to her and afraid to touch her. He knew for a fact if he wanted to keep her from waking up he should just hold her… but it wasn't his place anymore; he didn't have the right. He didn't have that right because he had taken it and crushed it with the most painful words and actions and broken promises he could have.   
  
He glanced over at the clock on the floor again and it was quarter to six when she started to wake up. He didn't move – but he just watched her carefully and her actions were *painfully* telling to the way she was feeling. That was the thing with Faith, you had to be very observant to the small signs she gave because it wasn't very often that she'd tell you the way she was feeling. *She started telling me how she was feeling though…* Xander shook his head trying to ignore the thoughts now – he was all too aware of the pain she was in and he hated it with every fiber of his being, but it couldn't change what he did or why he did it.   
  
She began to wake up and as she did she extended her hand out hoping to touch Xander and hold him as she always loved to in the morning. She wanted to have him right there and-  
  
"Oh fuck," she muttered as she pulled her arm back so quickly it was like a whiplash. She didn't even look up to see the disgusting creep she had ended up with last night. She rolled over so that she wasn't facing him… if you could call it a him – she would rather refer to him and It right now. Judging by the headache she could feel already she could just imagine how much she had to drink and just how low her standards were – like she already said, she didn't want to look at It. She sat up with her head still hanging down as she accustomed herself to being awake. Her eyes were still blurry – in fact, they hadn't been all that clear when she went out patrolling in the first place – that's what losing a few days worth of sleep will do to you. She hated the groggy feeling when she woke up hung over though… it made even her feel a little powerless. She definitely didn't like it.   
  
"Hey," she heard a voice behind her.   
  
"Shut up, you fucking prick," she muttered everything blurry and sounding so far away but still annoying. She wasn't even listening to the It behind her so she couldn't recognize it as Xander's.   
  
Xander was a little taken aback by the attitude, initially thinking she was aiming it at him! He thought he was pretty damn nice to her last night – he saved her ass!   
  
"So you're always nasty in the morning… I thought it was just me… gee, I feel better now…" he stated sarcastically.   
  
"Shut the fuck up, fucking smart ass," she muttered again angrily. She really had to stop drinking so much – these guys were getting more annoying every time. She didn't even want to get a good look around – she couldn't imagine the apartment was going to be any nicer than the prick in the bed next to her. She did however look down at herself and notice, *holy shit*, all clothes were still on except for her jacket… that's a first! *Whatever*, she thought – probably a sicker prick than any of the rest of them – wants to think he's getting away with something! She motioned to stand up but stopped and grabbed her temple with one of her hands painfully. *It'll stop… it'll stop… it'll all stop…* she repeated over and over again in her head trying to give herself the strength she was going to need to get out of wherever the hell she was and back home.   
  
"There's water and aspirin on the table right there," Xander offered seeing she was in pain. He started to realize that she had no idea who he was or where she was… or what had happened while she was completely plastered.   
  
"I may look dumb, but I'm not fucking stupid, asshole," she commented harshly now forcing herself to stand up. She couldn't stay here any longer – she had to get out of here.   
  
Xander finally got up and made his way over the bed.   
  
"Hey, hold on," he said seeing she was about to rush out of there.   
  
"You had your fun, I'm out of here," she answered grabbing her jacket off of the bed.   
  
"Faith," he said grabbing her arm gently. She looked up at him quickly – there wasn't anyone who would touch her like that. The voice could be ignored – the sight could be overlooked – the touch was unmistakable. She practically jumped when she saw his face.   
  
Xander was surprised by what he saw. He had expected, especially after the way she acted when she woke up, that she would be angry when she realized it was him and think he ruined her fun, or… whatever she might think. He definitely didn't think he would've ever had the right to assume what would go on in Faith's head – she had been through a lot and had heard of everything else so there was little that wouldn't run through her thoughts… He was shocked by her actual response though – she looked up at him with a look of absolute excitement and happiness!   
  
"Xander," she said turning to him and wrapping her arms around his neck. "We… we must've…" she muttered barely audibly. She wanted so badly for something to have happened that just made everything better again. She rested her head on his chest for a long moment pulling him close to her. Xander stood there unsure of what to do – he was so shocked by how she had reacted. It was true – all she had wanted was to have him back and that's what she thought happened. He stood there stiffly against her with his hands on her arms trying to convince her otherwise.   
  
She hoped so badly something had just happened that settled everything between them last night – whatever it was – and now everything was back to the way it should be. As much as she wished this, she was pretty sure something that good couldn't happen to her. But she had to know… She looked up at him and touched his cheek with her hand bringing her lips up to his. She kissed his softly pulling him closer to her but with his hands on her arms he pushed her away finally getting control of himself.   
  
"No way, Faith." It was sharp and unfeeling.   
  
"Baby…"   
  
"Faith, stop it," he answered taking a step back away from her.   
  
"But… but… I thought that we," she rambled standing there feeling so alone now without his body up against hers.   
  
"No."   
  
"What?" she asked trying to put it all together while her head was absolutely pounding and she just felt like crying.   
  
"Nothing happened, Faith. I found you fucking smashed with guys all over you and… it was a bad situation so I brought you home."  
  
"A bad situation? What the hell do you call this?" she asked sharply. "You came looking for me? I'm not something you can control anymore-"   
  
"Oh, but if I were still fucking you I could order you around!?"   
  
"I'd do anything for you, and you fucking know it!" she screamed the tears starting to rim around her eyes.   
  
"I didn't want to see you stumbling in that door after spending the night with some asshole who didn't give a shit about you and-"   
  
"And you did!?" she screamed furiously.   
  
"Don't do this," Xander said turning away from her and running his fingers through his hair.   
  
"Just get out, Xander."   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"Just go!" she screamed angrily.   
  
"I'm not leaving with you like this," he stated forcing his tone to be calm and low. She picked up the glass of water Giles had brought in and threw it at the wall. It shattered and the water splashed all over the wall – it was across the room from both of them.   
  
"You already did!"   
  
"Faith, just calm down."   
  
"Just go away," she said her tone dropping down to pleading as she sank down to the ground and sat with her knees pulled up to her chest as she lowered her head down to her knees. His heart felt so broken he was surprised he was still standing. He looked down at her curled up practically into a ball on the floor,   
  
"Faith, please…"   
  
"Get out," she mumbled.   
  
"Okay," he agreed. He walked up to her and touched her shoulder lightly with his hand then walked out of the bedroom – wiping tears from his eye as he left. 


	18. Part XVIII

Adjustment – Part XVIII  
  
  
  
"You're up early," Giles commented as he walked into the kitchen for his first cup of tea of the morning.   
  
  
  
"Or up late, which ever way you'd like to look at it…" Xander answered looking up at him from the table. He had walked out of Faith's bedroom and then just sat there until now… probably a few hours later. He couldn't figure out what his head was thinking – everything just seemed to be spinning off into an entirely different planet… he couldn't even keep up with his own thoughts. He shook his head remembering all of the times Faith used to tell him that's how her head felt and he would just hold her even tighter and whisper in her ear that it was okay. He would tell her and she would listen… she believed him.   
  
Giles watched his facial expressions quietly as they assumed a soft smile. Xander thought about how he would be suddenly awakened from his sleep to see Faith sitting up in bed, panting uncontrollably, and close to crying because of the thoughts scrambling through her head. He remembered the feeling of wrapping his arms around her shaking shoulders and holding her, whispering to her how it would stop. And then it would… she would relax and her breathing would slow down and she would just rest her face against his chest and lie there and he could feel her drift back to sleep holding him and basking in the feeling of his arms around her.  
  
Giles placed the kettle back onto the stove and the small clanking sound it made caused Xander to jump from what seemed to be a sort of day dream.   
  
"Is everything alright?" he asked cautiously. After a moment of thought Xander answered,   
  
"No." Giles took the answer and thought it over for a few moments while he watched his tea grow darker as his thoughts did. He allowed himself to delve into what he thought Faith's mind could possibly be going through. It was a dark place… and that was to say the least.   
  
"Did you two have a chance to talk?"   
  
"Giles, you saw the state she was in when I literally carried her home last night! She was in no mood for talking… I tried, but she didn't want to hear it."   
  
"She's hurt…"   
  
"She got happy when she thought I slept with her last night! She was happy about that, thinking it would just make everything better again – Giles, she woke up and she didn't even know where she was! How could us sleeping together when she didn't even know what happened have made her happy?"   
  
"Faith doesn't handle these types of things."   
  
"You can say that again – she doesn't handle it well at all."   
  
"No, Xander, she doesn't handle it at all…"   
  
"What do you mean?" Xander asked quickly, unable to hide the overwhelming concern in his tone.   
  
"I don't know," Giles admitted, "but she has me worried."   
  
"I always kind of freaked you out, didn't I?" Faith asked walking into the kitchen. Okay, walking probably isn't the best word, since it was probably closer to a painful crawl. "God, I almost forgot why I loved high school so much that I left," she added sardonically, "you can walk anywhere and people are striking up conversations about you…"   
  
"Faith, we were just-" Xander began defending softly but he quickly shut himself up seeing the furious expression flash across her face. He stopped talking as though his voice had just suddenly disappeared.   
  
"How are you feeling?" Giles asked surprised at how… well, good she looked outwardly considering only a few hours previously he had seen her passed out being carried to bed. She looked tired, but there was what seemed to be a spark, or a piece of conviction there now… he assumed it was forced and he wasn't sure whether it was for the better or worse, but it was something.   
  
"I'm alright," she answered nonchalantly as she rummaged through the cabinets for a cup and filled it with water. Xander took her attitude as a clear sign for him to leave. He walked quietly out of the kitchen and passed Kennedy on his way up the stairs. She barely looked at him and it just compounded the bile feeling inside of him. She was so angry – she knew what all of this meant to Faith, and she knew how much she was hurting.   
  
"Okay… how's everything else going?" Giles pushed.   
  
"G, enough with the bullshit, alright?" she said quickly, almost snapping. "Here's the dig, I'll be out of here before lunch."   
  
"What?" Kennedy asked from the doorway to the kitchen. Faith turned quickly to see her and she felt her insides sink. She didn't care what anyone else thought – they had all seen her just run away from her problems before, but she didn't want Kennedy to see her that way so she had just avoided thinking about that part of the problem. "You can't leave…"   
  
"Oh yeah, watch me…" she answered viciously, having no other way of handling the feelings inside of her. "Just wanted to clue you in, Giles. Thanks for everything… and I just wanted you to know, this isn't me running away from my problems again… I like it here. It's got the whole family thing working for it, but… I know when I'm just going to make a situation worse, so I'm out."   
  
"Faith, there are other ways we can deal with this? Where will you go?"   
  
"You're never coming back, are you?" Kennedy asked in a panic.   
  
"I'm going to head to L.A., let Angel fix my head up again."   
  
"Are you coming back?" Kennedy pressed. Faith ignored the further questioning and forced herself to be strong – her being strong was often perceived as her being cold and indifferent. She walked past both of them and out of the kitchen and back to her bedroom.   
  
"What?" Kennedy asked still in a panic turning to Giles hoping he would have some answer for her. He held the brim of his nose with his hand shaking it back and forth in frustration and pain. He was worried about her enough when she was still living under the same roof as he was… at least she was going to see Angel; he was someone she trusted and he hadn't let her down yet. "Giles, you can't let her leave!" Kennedy added again still overwhelmed with what just happened in front of her; why did everything dramatic always have to happen right in front of her?   
  
"Usually the part where someone tries to stop her turns out to be quite comical," Giles answered – his attitude, much like Faith's, was because of the strong feelings building up inside of him and the only way he could handle it and maintain composure was by being a little cold and appearing as though the situation didn't bother him a fraction as much as it actually did.   
  
- - - - -  
  
Xander walked up the stairs towards his bedroom unexpectedly meeting Buffy in the hallway.   
  
"Hey," she greeted trying to find out what had happened last night when he left going to look for Faith. She didn't know when exactly he had gotten home but it must've been fairly late because she had gone to bed. She didn't even know if he had found her… there were certainly plenty of questions floating around in her head and she wanted them at least sorted out if not entirely answered, but she knew she had to be very subtle about it because it was a touchy subject.   
  
"Hi," he answered in almost a groan. "How are you doing?"   
  
"Better than you…"   
  
"Probably…"   
  
"We're going to officially move into the other house today. Can you help us with the final touches today?"   
  
"Ummm… what time?" he asked hesitantly.   
  
"No, it's okay… you look really tired anyway."   
  
"No, Buffy, it's really okay, just what time?"   
  
"I wanted to head over there pretty early, you know, get everything set up so we can sleep there tonight. I was thinking in about an hour or so… no rush."   
  
"Okay, no problem," Xander answered pushing himself to go even though it was the last thing he wanted to do at that moment. He needed to move on – this was part of moving on, he needed to do things that didn't involve Faith… or Anya. He needed to do things that were completely separate and that would get his mind working on some different things.   
  
"Great!" Buffy answered with much excitement – she wanted to hang out with Xander, talk to him and find out how he was feeling. She knew he wasn't thrilled with his situation right now, and getting his mind off of it would be just the thing.   
  
"I'll be ready in about an hour."   
  
---------------  
  
**********  
  
Until the day I die  
  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you  
  
Until the day I die  
  
I'll spill my heart for you  
  
*********  
  
Faith stared into the fogged mirror in the bathroom looking pensively at her reflection. Even if she could lie to herself, a reflection never lied. It showed just what it saw without covering anything up – what it saw is what it showed, no cover-ups or lies. She turned the shower off and listened to it drip from the showerhead as she just stared into the mirror – her eyes were puffy, especially around the bottom and her face was pale. Her eyes were streaked with red lines that reflected boldly in the mirror – each one trying to outdo the other bloody streak across her eye. She hugged the towel around her tighter as she hugged herself with her arms closing her eyes and just allowing herself to float away for a minute, hypnotized by the rhythmic dripping noise of the water.   
  
She opened her eyes feeling like she had a strong pair of arms wrapped around her hugging her closely. She looked to her right and saw Xander standing there with his wet hair tussled on his head, which was softly resting on her shoulder as he held her. The sound of his rhythmic breathing softened the pounding beat of her heart. The soft breath on her skin caused small waves of sensation through her body and everything felt whole and soft.   
  
The sound of rhythmic breathing revealed itself again as the dripping of the faucet as she opened her eyes again to see herself standing in front of the mirror: alone, cold, and tense. With an angry sigh she clenched her jaw and left the bathroom quickly. She walked through the dim hallway and into her bedroom.   
  
*'Faith you can turn off all of the emotions that you want, but sooner or later they're going to find a-' Buffy pleaded.*   
  
*'That was great, I gotta shower.'*   
  
*'What jail for the rest of my young life!?'*  
  
---------------  
  
Xander walked out of his room with the intention of going down to Faith's to retrieve some of his clothing that had been left down there. He bumped into Willow in the hallway and she stopped him with a very excited expression on her face.   
  
"Hey, Xander!"   
  
"Hi, Wil…"   
  
"I've got some good news for you… well, it's good news as long as you don't get mad."   
  
"Okay, try me…"   
  
"Well, we all agreed that with all that's going on you could use… a focus."   
  
"I tried that approach already Will, it didn't turn out so good."   
  
"No, but this is different. I found out about the construction company in town and I got the number and talked to one of the staff managers… I told him about your experience and knowledge and dedication and… and he wants to meet with you as soon as possible. He said you sound like the kind of guy they've been waiting for… I hope you're not mad." Xander's first reaction was to be just that – it wasn't there place to decide what he needed, but as he thought it over quickly, they were probably right.   
  
"Willow, that's great… thanks."   
  
------------------  
  
She dressed quickly grabbing a pair of jeans and boots, and a white, ribbed tank top – even after she was dressed she still couldn't completely control what was running though her head and she was fully aware of how dangerous that could end up being.   
  
*'And what, that's the end of it? You see the dead guy in your head everyday and you just live with it!?'  
  
'Buffy, I'm not going to see anything…'*  
  
"Fuck!" she finally screamed slamming her fist into the wall with frustration and anger. She forced herself to take a deep breath and calm herself down.   
  
"Is everything alright?" Xander asked cautiously as he slowly entered the doorway. She turned quickly to look at him – and in a very counterproductive way she got angry at herself for still being angry and making it so obvious for him to see… but as you can probably guess, getting angry at herself hardly made the situation any better.   
  
"Five by five."   
  
"Haven't heard you say that in a long time…" he commented – the way she looked, the way she was talking, and even by the way she was standing it reminded him a little too much of the way she used to be and it made him uncomfortable. He hadn't realized but in their time together she had changed *so* much. Everything about her had kind of chilled out and she had relaxed and really stopped looking over her shoulder in a sense. What it really came down to was that she had trusted him, completely and totally, and the feeling of having someone she felt that way about so close to her had completely changed her attitude and defensiveness.   
  
************  
  
As years go by  
  
I race the clock with you  
  
But if you died right now  
  
You know that I'd die to  
  
I'd die too  
  
************  
  
She shrugged and answered, "guess I just haven't needed to say it. So, what brings you in here?"   
  
"Oh, umm…" he hesitated but continued forcing himself to treat her how he had the new Faith and tried to ignore how overwhelmingly obvious it was that she had digressed right back to the way things had been before their time together. "I left some of my clothes in here," he said motioning towards the chair with his clothing strewn on top of it from when he had been basically living in here with her. "I just needed to grab a couple of them… I know it's kind of awkward; I'm sorry… you know, I could just come get them later, if you want…"   
  
"No, don't be silly, it's cool," she answered trying to seem indifferent.   
  
"Thanks," he answered. It was all too evident from his tone just how uncomfortable he was around her now – her entire façade completely intimidated him and he could barely parallel her with the girl who would cry in his arms all night and beg him to whisper how he actually loved her. He walked over to the chair and began to gather his clothes – Faith watched him from the other side of the room where she appeared to be staring out of the window as she ran her fingers through her hair to try and speed it along in the drying process.   
  
He grabbed his green tee-shirt and his blue one, and another one of his black ones… he went to grab a white one off the chair but he hesitated because of the thought that ran through his head. He had seen her wearing his tee-shirt more often than he had recently and he couldn't decide whether to take it or leave it – he knew she like it and wore it a lot, but he also knew she would probably think about him and how he hurt her every time she looked at it… He stood there trying to decide and rummaged through the pile as he pondered the thought. As he pushed through the pile slowly it suddenly occurred to him – all of the clothes on the chair were his… where were hers?   
  
"You doing laundry?" he asked.   
  
"No," she answered as though the answer should be obvious. She didn't want to get into it with Xander – Kennedy had been more than enough for her to deal with, she didn't want to have to deal with him too on the whole leaving issue.   
  
"Where are your clothes?" he pushed knowing something was off.   
  
"Nowhere," she answered with a shrug, all of a sudden being too preoccupied with her hair to talk much with him.   
  
"Faith…" Xander pushed scanning the room to help him out with the blank screen in his head. He couldn't figure out what was going on and any scenario he came up with he immediately pushed away in denial that it could be true.   
  
"Did you get all of your clothes?"   
  
"Why's your bag packed?" he asked finally spotting it on the side of her bed.   
  
"I don't answer to you anymore."   
  
"Would you stop making it sound like you were my fucking slave before and now you're free and you don't have to listen to my orders!"  
  
"I wasn't your slave, I was just yours," she clarified sharply. Her tone revealed just how much she had given everything to him and how she wished there was just more of her to give. His throat clenched tightly and he could feel his stomach twist and turn as he looked over at her. "Should've known you just wanted your second taste," she muttered almost under her breath.   
  
"Hey!" he reprimanded angrily.   
  
"What? You said it yourself, it never meant anything – it was all just a lie."   
  
"I never-" he cut himself off quickly, "Faith…"   
  
"It's true, isn't it?" she asked holding her ground strongly. She hadn't been able to talk to him this much yet, but now that she had almost convinced herself that she didn't care, she was going to make him sweat.   
  
"You don't have to say it that way…"   
  
"Sorry, leave it to me to make something sound bad. Oh, wait…"   
  
"So you're leaving," he snapped trying to shift the subject back to what was important.  
  
"Figured that one out all by yourself didn't you," she answered sardonically. "You should help Dawnie with research, you're sharper than they all think… hey, you know, Dawn's pretty cute, the two of you should-"   
  
"Don't!" he warned. She shrugged, completely (outwardly) unaffected by his tone,   
  
"I'm just saying… damn, lighten up, would you? I mean, come on, what's there to be so fucking down about?" she asked, every word dripping with thick sarcasm.   
  
"You're leaving," he stated again.   
  
"Should put you in a better mood…"   
  
"Is that why you're going? You think it'll be better for me?" he asked angrily. He didn't want her to go – he wasn't sure what he wanted, but the sudden knowledge that she was going to disappear, and knowing her, probably never be around him again, it shook him with terror. He wasn't ready to let her go that much.   
  
"Nah, I'm going to work on my tan," she answered walking over to her bed and picking up her carton of cigarettes. She lit one quickly and tossed the carton back on the bed with the lighter.   
  
"This isn't a fucking joke!"   
  
"What are you talking about? It's my life, of course it's a fucking joke… always has been, always will be." The truth in what she said shook him to his spine with sadness.   
  
"I can't believe you're doing this…" he muttered in an almost defeated tone.   
  
"You know, just when you think you know a person… you can't believe me, and truth be told, it was a fucking shocker when you grew a fucking pair and dumped my ass! Never in a million years did I see that one coming…" her tone was nonchalant and indifferent, trying to conceal the true emotion inside of her, but as she continued talking it began to reveal itself in a much more telling way. "See, that's why I always say you should never marry… you think you know a person, but you never really do. You think they tell you everything – man of your dreams, mister perfect… you think you've got it all and really, the fucking reality of the situation is when he's lying in bed next to you he's thinking of some other chick… someone he really cares about… someone that actually matters to him… that's why you should never try and see yourself with the same person forever – real life just doesn't work out that way… even if it seems like it just might, it doesn't… ever."   
  
"I know I hurt you, and I'm sor-"   
  
"Just shut up, okay? I don't want to hear it."   
  
"Faith, I-"   
  
"I asked you to shut up," she said cutting him off. "Anything you say is just bullshit anyway."  
  
"Do you really believe that?" he asked, the reality finally sinking in deeply just how much she didn't trust him anymore. She just looked at him as an answer and it was far more than enough. He felt like tears would come crashing down his face at any moment, but he didn't move, he didn't run to leave, he just stood there.   
  
*'Don't push me, Faith, give me that bag. You're not going anywhere! You can't just keep running away all of the time.'  
  
'I told you, I'm not running away, I just don't like your piece of shit boyfriend!'   
  
'He's a good man, don't you talk about him that way!'   
  
'Yeah, I bet my father was a good guy too, right?'   
  
'Faith, if you walk out of that door don't you dare try and come back!'   
  
'Later, ma.'*   
  
"So you're really leaving, aren't you?"   
  
"Yeah, I guess I am."   
  
"And it's because of me, isn't it?"   
  
"Yeah, I guess it is… so enough about me, what's up with you?" she asked finishing her cigarette and immediately lighting up another one. Finally the only emotion Xander had left that he felt comfortable enough to show around her was anger,   
  
"You know, that's going to give you cancer."   
  
"Counting on it," she mocked. He clenched his teeth together knowing she just knew exactly how to get under his skin. He knew how to get under hers too – he'd just ignore her attempts to make him angry.   
  
**********  
  
You remind me of the times  
  
When I knew who I was (I was)  
  
But still the second hand will catch us  
  
Like it always does  
  
**********  
  
"So, I'm going for a job interview tomorrow."   
  
"That's great," she answered – the genuinely nice tone that revealed that she was honestly happy for him hit him harder than any snide remark ever could. As the fact settled into her head a wave of emotion flushed over her and she turned towards a drawer with all of her small rings and necklaces as though she had to sort them out to pack. He was everything she had ever wanted – she would've actually had a family with him. It would be normal – he'd come home from working all day just to see her and talk to her and tell her all about his day and she'd be so completely content with just listening to him and watching his face sparkle as he looked at her. She had really thought they were going to be together forever… the thought of ever marrying a guy had never even crossed her mind until she was with him. She wanted to be his and she wanted to be his forever and for always. But she knew it wasn't going to happen and she needed to stop thinking of it like that.   
  
"Yeah," he answered still coping with how her response had made him feel. He felt the warmth in her voice – the way she wanted him to do well and to be happy.   
  
"That's really great… you'll do great." She turned to look at him quickly and gave him an encouraging smile letting him know that she was being honest in her excitement for him. He was probably going to have a job by the end of the week and she was probably going to be in jail… how could she ever think that they were going to be together forever?  
  
"Thanks." He stood there and watched her slide two of the rings from the drawer onto her fingers and then gather the rest of the jewelry up and put it into her bag. "So, I'll see you soon," he said finally heading for the door.   
  
"I wouldn't count on that," she muttered just loud enough for him to barely hear. Her words stopped him dead in his tracks as it dawned upon him where she might be going.   
  
"Where are you going?" he asked turning towards her rigidly.   
  
"Do the lying privileges get expanded to me too?"  
  
"Faith…"   
  
"You don't have to worry about me anymore… I'll be safe as a kitten." He stood there unsure of how to take her attitude, "I'm going to grab something to eat," she said walking past him out of the bedroom. He began to walk after her but stopped and realized he didn't have any of the clothes he had originally come to get.   
  
- - - - - - -   
  
"Xander, you ready to go?" Buffy asked as she ran into him in the hallway outside of the kitchen. He glanced through the door and saw Faith sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and Giles preparing for another cup of tea.   
  
"Yeah…" he answered knowing he wouldn't be able to watch her leave. He gave her a final glance and walked out of the house with Buffy.   
  
- - - - - -   
  
"Here," Giles said as he sat down at the table next to Faith. He dropped money by her hand on the table.   
  
"I don't want your money," she stated flatly.   
  
"You're going to need it whether you want it or not." She moved her hand towards it and spread out the bills like a professional card player with a single finger to look at the total number of bills.   
  
"I'm not taking your money and I'm definitely not taking five hundred dollars of your money," she answered pushing the bills back on top of each other in a single pile with the same finger.   
  
"Why are you so bloody stubborn?"   
  
"Guess I was born that way…"   
  
"No, sadly I think you were made to be that way. You need to be exactly the way you are to have lasted this long…"   
  
"Don't get too sure of yourself, G, I think my lucks almost run up." With that she stood from the table and put her mug in the sink.   
  
"Faith, take it," he said strongly pushing the money into her hand. She took it without another word knowing she really couldn't handle another argument. "Is there anything I could do or say that might change your mind?" he asked as she headed for the door.   
  
"I just have to go figure some stuff out…"   
  
"You can't do that here?"   
  
"Giles… it's hard for me to understand it but… I feel like everything inside of me crumbles whenever I see him – I just can't handle it… I'm just not strong enough. I'm sorry." Giles nodded in understanding and she headed for her room to grab her bag. She wanted to get out of there before anyone else knew she was leaving. She grabbed her bag and took a final glance around her bedroom – maybe she just really wasn't meant to have a family like this…   
  
She walked back into the hallway and headed for the door. She stopped briefly in Giles' office, happy he wasn't in there and placed the five hundred dollars on top of his desk. She left the office and headed for the door but Kennedy was standing right next to it.   
  
********  
  
We'll make the same mistakes  
  
I'll take the fall for you  
  
I hope you need this now  
  
Cause I know I still do  
  
********  
  
"You're a fucking coward," she stated angrily with tears rimming her eyes and a few already running down her cheek. "I hate you." She was so angry and upset that she didn't know how to deal with the way she felt. She had never had someone who had been in such an idolized role in her life, but now she was leaving, and without giving even a single thought as to how she was going to feel. She felt like anything Faith had ever done that made it seem like she cared was just crap and that she never meant any of it. She felt betrayed and forgotten – even if she did know it was an illogical anger, it was still there and she didn't know how to harness it.  
  
"Thanks kid," she answered indifferently as she grabbed the doorknob and left, closing the door firmly behind her. She couldn't think about the screaming inside of her – the painful screams that made her just want to run back inside and pray that Xander would take her back and she could just live the perfect life with all of them. She didn't know what was going on in her head – this wasn't the way she thought! Angel really needed to fix the fucking mess she had made with her head – and fast.   
  
-------------------------  
  
"You okay?" Buffy asked from the passenger seat in the truck. She was watching Xander as he drove and it was pretty obvious that he was far from being okay. "Xander…"   
  
"Sorry… I'm a little, somewhere else," he explained.   
  
"I get it. Do you want to talk about it?"   
  
"I'm dying to, but I don't know if I can…"   
  
"You can give it a try," she offered.   
  
"Buffy… I did it because… I just couldn't stand the thought of losing her… losing Anya is about the closest thing that's ever killed me, and Faith…"   
  
"I just don't get how out of everyone, Faith was the one that… well, was comforting to you."   
  
"Think what you want about her, Buffy, but you don't know her like I do."   
  
"Thank God," she joked. Her jovial tone was far from well received and Xander stared at the road as he drove. "Xander, I'm sorry… but it just confuses me how Faith was the one you clung too – I mean she spent the least amount of time with you, she hurt you both emotionally and physically the last time she had been around you, and she was straight out of prison… I mean I just don't get it. Is the fact that she was your first really that big of a deal with you?" They came to a screeching stop and Xander still stared at the windshield working furiously to keep himself from exploding. Buffy got stiff in her seat as she watched the muscles around his jaw twitch as he stared at the steering wheel without saying a word.   
  
*************  
  
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
  
I'll spill my heart for you  
  
*************  
  
Without a word Xander pushed the car forward again as though nothing had happened. He stared straight ahead only occasionally glancing into the rearview mirror and he couldn't stop thinking about her. Faith was an unforgettable person in general, just because of who she was, but would he ever be able to stop thinking about her after what they had had together?   
  
"Xander, don't worry… you two will be friends. Faith likes being around you, she always has, so she'll be okay with just hanging out with you, I'm sure of it… just give it time."   
  
"No, she's gone."   
  
"What?"   
  
"She left."   
  
"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked actually having a sign of fear in her tone.   
  
"She had her bag packed when we left – she won't be there when we get back."   
  
"Why is she doing this!? She just runs away… that's how she does everything, and instead of dealing with things she leaves it for everyone else and she wins!"   
  
"I don't think she's trying to rack up points on anyone, Buffy."   
  
"Whatever."   
  
"She couldn't be around me without me… everything she said to me she meant… Faith… she really meant everything she told me… she really did." He muttered as he switched on the radio to fill the silence in the car and possibly his head.   
  
*****************  
  
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
  
I'll spill my heart for you  
  
*****************  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Faith climbed down from a bus and looked up the busy street it had dropped her off on. Ten bucks really didn't get you anything these days… With the money Giles tried to give her she could've taken a fucking limo to L.A., but now it was just the direct route of hitch-hiking and taking any type of public transportation she could. A few other passengers came off of the bus and a young guy stopped beside her and asked,   
  
"Are you lost?"   
  
"No," she answered in the friendliest tone she could muster.   
  
"Not from around here, are you?"   
  
"I'm not from around anywhere." He laughed and asked,   
  
"Umm… there's a diner down the street there, just on the corner, I was wondering if I could buy you a mediocre cup of coffee and maybe some lunch…"   
  
"I don't know…" she answered hesitantly. She knew she would usually squeeze this pushover for everything she could, but right now she really didn't want anyone even looking at her.   
  
"Please… you don't even have to sit with me," he joked. She smiled and nodded,   
  
"Okay."   
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Giles walked from the living room to the kitchen and put down his empty cup in the sink. He saw Faith's coffee mug still sitting there and he shook his head slightly knowing how bad the situation had gotten and he hadn't done anything to make it better. He knew the two of them together was the best thing for both of them, but he had also known how hard it would be if they ever broke up… and that's where he was now. He couldn't help but feel an enormous amount of guilt weighing down upon him – Xander had been right, he wished he could've been that savior for Faith. If he were she wouldn't be running away from them again to seek help elsewhere… he could've been that person she came to, but he was about the farthest thing now. At least there was still Angel – she had someone…   
  
He walked out of the kitchen and through the hallway but stopped seeing Kennedy sitting by the door to the garage where Faith had left from. She sat there bundled practically into a ball crying into her lap. She heard him walking closer and she lifted her head up – her eyes were so red, Giles could tell she was probably crying since Faith walked out of the door. He walked past her and into his office needing to collect his thoughts before he could try and make someone else feel better about the situation. He walked into the office and the money on his desk caught his eye immediately.   
  
"Bloody hell!" he screamed slamming the door loudly.   
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
"So where are you headed?" Derek asked looking across the table at Faith drinking her cup of coffee.   
  
"L.A. I think."   
  
"You ever been there?"   
  
"Yeah, I spent a few years there."   
  
"Oh really, what'd you think?"   
  
"It's cool… I didn't really go out much while I was there though," she added trying to not bring up in the middle of the conversation that he was buying lunch for an escapee convict who did time in L.A. for several murders…   
  
"Why's that?" he asked curiously. She shrugged and smiled,   
  
"Not really sure…" she answered eating another French fry.   
  
"So, how are you planning on getting all the way to L.A.?"   
  
"I like to figure things out as I go…"   
  
"So you don't have a plan?" he asked smiling.   
  
"I'm usually lacking a plan."   
  
"Well, if you need a place to stay – I'm just about-"   
  
"No thanks," she answered shortly pushing her plate away and standing up from the table. "Thanks for lunch, Derek."   
  
"Hey, I didn't mean it like that… you don't have to go."   
  
"Yeah, actually I do. Be good to yourself," she added grabbing her bag and her jacket and walking out of the diner. She couldn't deal with this right now…   
  
"Ok-ay," Derek muttered sitting back down in the booth and thinking over how quickly that had just happened. She seemed really interesting… looked like she had quite a story to tell.   
  
--------------------------  
  
"Giles?" Kennedy asked as she knocked softly on his office door. She didn't hear a response so she slowly pushed open the door and walked in. He was sitting on the couch towards the back of the room drinking from a glass. She almost took a double take never having seen him ever drink anything besides tea. "Giles…" Her tone was broken and it was obvious that she had been crying for a long time.   
  
"Yes?" Her tone was obvious to her state, but the same was going for Giles as well.   
  
"I… I… I was just… I don't know."   
  
"Are you feeling alright?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Well, join the club," he said holding up his glass of Coniac.   
  
"Some goodbye Faith got, huh?"   
  
"What exactly do you mean?"   
  
"I mean that… well, Xander didn't even say goodbye, he just kind of looked at her and then left with Buffy of all people! And I wasn't exactly nice to her when she left… and as far as I know, no one else even knew she was leaving. Did you even say goodbye to her?"   
  
"Faith's not big on goodbyes."   
  
"Yeah, I kind of picked up on that. Do you think going to see Angel is a good thing?" Giles stood up from the couch and over to his desk where he refilled his glass. There was another knock at the door and Xander asked,   
  
"Can I come in?"   
  
"Sure, Xander."   
  
"Hey, Kennedy," Xander greeted walking into the dim room. She turned her head away from him and looked down at the floor. "Well, taking a look around I think I can figure she's gone…"   
  
"Yes, she is…" Giles answered. "She left a while ago – just after you."   
  
--------------------------  
  
(The Next Day – Late Afternoon)   
  
***********  
  
Should I bite my tongue?  
  
Until blood soaks my shirt  
  
We'll never fall apart  
  
Tell me why this hurts so much  
  
***********  
  
I listen to the sound of my feet against the sidewalk trying to become enveloped by the soft thuds on the ground. I remember something my mother used to always say whenever she was going through a tough time, she used to tell me, life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey. I almost chuckle to myself as I walk thinking how absolutely wrong she is, well, pretty much always. L.A. is the perfect place to be, it's where I needed to be and it was all going to get better now that I was here – but I gotta say, getting here really bit the big one. Buses, Trains, and Cabs… wow, I feel like I should break into song right about now – oh my. L.os Angeles, it's quite the city. It's one of those things that you either love or you hate. As I walk down the road and finally reach the Hyperion I suddenly can't tell which end of the spectrum I'm on. It's completely empty and dark and it looks like there hasn't been anyone there in months.   
  
I walk inside just to be sure. I stand in the middle of the main hall and look up towards the high ceiling stories higher than any of the others and as my heart sinks even more I know no one's there. I feel like everything inside of me suddenly rushes to my head in a feverish wave and the pain and frustration is too much to stand – I let out an angry shriek and listen as it reverberates off of all of the walls all individually simultaneous. I let myself finally drop down to the ground knowing I'm completely alone – it's a terrible feeling, one I'm all too accustomed to, but it's a state that I'm soft of comfortable with and I'm able to just let myself cry. I sit in the middle of the floor and try to calm down – I need to be able to keep myself in check and it's getting harder and harder and even I'm aware of how dangerous that can be.   
  
  
  
*'Faith… look at me…' Xander said between pants as he looked up at Faith straddling him and rocking slowly back and forth as he filled her. He watched her almost in a daze – the sight of her was mesmerizing but he couldn't help but be aware that she wasn't completely with him, she seemed like she was drifting off to be somewhere else, somewhere where everything was just okay. He wanted her to be okay right there with him. 'Faith…'   
  
'Yeah?' she answered in a short breath as he touched her hip with his hand softly.   
  
'Look at me.'   
  
'What?' she asked stopping her motion abruptly as she looked down at him.   
  
'I just wanted you to look at me… I want you to be here with me…'   
  
'I don't think I could be anymore here,' she answered literally squeezing her thighs against him.   
  
'Faith,' he said in a tone that made her really understand that he meant it, 'I swear to you, I would never hurt you.'   
  
In an instant that at any other point in her life she would have saved as a mental note for a laugh later on, she leaned forward causing him to slide even deeper inside of her and she kissed him lovingly on his lips,   
  
'Hold me,' she asked gently as she leaned completely on him wrapping her arms around his neck and sliding her lips right next to his jaw as she rested her head on his shoulder. He brought his arms around her waist and across her back and pulled her closely to him breathing in the smell of her hair and the sweet taste of her skin.  
  
'Forever.'*   
  
I quickly stand up shaking the memory from my thoughts and biting back all the things I want to say in response to the empty promises he made. I do know that I'm not angry at him though – I'm far more angry at myself for actually believing them. I've heard so many lines and promises and lies from dozens before him – why would I fall for them now? I take a deep breath and leave the huge building that encompasses quite a few memories for me. This is L.A., how hard can it be to find a nice guy named Angel? Granted there were probably more than a hundred guys named Angel, but there was probably only one nice guy in all of L.A.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - -   
  
*The Potentials screamed frantically behind him as he carried Faith in his arms up the front path into the Summer's house after they had explored the cavern containing all of the First's weaponry and they met up with a pretty bomb. He held her close to him as he carried her up the stairs and Kennedy ran in front of him and opened the front door for him to enter through.   
  
'Watch out, it's not like she hasn't tried this one before,' he heard a female voice say sarcastically from within the crowd. He refused to connect the voice to Anya's. He refused to connect anything at that moment – he refused to think about the war they were all fighting and that they were all probably going to die fighting, he refused to think of the woman lying in his arms that was so painfully close to death that he couldn't bare to connect with it. He refused to connect with the feelings still closely strung between him and her since the first day they'd met and how she'd always had a small piece in his heart since the day she first touched him. He reached the bedroom upstairs and slowly lowered her onto the bed hearing a soft murmur escape her lips as he did. He lowered him face down to hers – his cheek pressed ever so gently against hers as he breathed her in before standing up again and looking down at her. Her eyes opened slightly and he could hear her fighting for a comfortable breath.   
  
'You like scaring the shit out of me, don't you?' he asked softly. She looked up at him with her tired eyes and the slightest movement of her lips motioned towards the attempt at a small smile. 'Get some rest,' he added forcing himself to exit the room quickly – he couldn't do this now.   
  
- - - -   
  
Xander rushed inside of the house carrying Faith in his arms – he could feel how limp and beaten she was and her blood soaked clothing was yet another reminder to how close it had come again. Her voice on the telephone had struck a fear inside of him that he hadn't known existed up until that point – he had known fear in his lifetime, but the sound of her voice on the other end of that phone line was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.   
  
'It's okay, we're home, you're going to be okay… you are.' He panted nervously as he walked. Even knowing it was just a memory – he knew this was when he had realized that he couldn't lose Faith that way. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle losing her this way and it had just been too many times that he had seen her so close that he couldn't ignore it. Seeing her like that – someone who he had always looked at with a certain amount of awe in his life for being so strong, going through so much, and seeming like she didn't need anything – seeing her in that broken and vulnerable state made a piece of him die, and it killed his hope for a future of better things.  
  
- - - -   
  
'Xander?'   
  
'Yeah?' he asked gently stroking her face as he looked deeply into her eyes.   
  
'I love you,' she answered with more truth than any words he had ever heard escape her lips.*   
  
"Well Mr. Harris, looking through your file I'm quite happy with your level of experience and acclaim… Mr. Harris?"   
  
"Oh, thank you sir," Xander answered jumping out of his foggy daydream.   
  
"Is everything alright?"   
  
"Umm… yes, Sir, why?'   
  
"I'm just noticing that you seem a little distracted… is there anything that…"   
  
"Personal family problems, I guess you'd call them," he answered trying to rectify the interview.   
  
"What are they? If I may ask…"   
  
"They're personal, sir," he answered. He wasn't good at talking about what had happened with the closest of his friends, he wasn't about to have a sit down with a man he'd never even met before.   
  
"I'd like to know about them if you don't mind Mr. Harris," he answered with his tone a little more stern, "I'm looking for a solid employee, Harris, and a man who seems distracted during an interview while sitting directly across from his boss is a man who is going to be fairly useless on the job when no one is staring straight through him… you're friend whom I spoke to made it sound like you could really use this job, but although your record is quite remarkable, I see someone who's focus is elsewhere. Do you understand my position?"   
  
"Yes, sir, I do and I want to apologize for my distraction. My girlfriend and I recently broke up and she moved out yesterday… I'm sorry for the way I'm acting but I'm a little worried about her."   
  
"Ah, very well – my boy, you have much to learn. Woman come and woman go – it's nothing to groan about. As soon as one goes there are a dozen more readily waiting to replace her… no need for remorse. Woman are fickle things… they don't even know what they want. Hell, I think you're better off without them anyhow."   
  
Xander tried to force a laugh to try and get on the mans good side but his face remained stern and unappreciative of the levity the man found in his situation, which was much darker than he'd ever know.   
  
"Well Harris, I must say you're a good kid to be that concerned about an ex, so I'm going to give you a try, but none of this inattentive crap on the job, understood?"   
  
"Yes, sir," Xander answered; the words barely made it out of his mouth. He couldn't help but think about how Faith would've dealt with him – it would certainly have been comical. She would've called him a dirt bag to his face and much worse behind his back… she probably still would've gotten the job though.   
  
"Seven o'clock, sharp tomorrow morning, Harris, and believe you me, don't be late."   
  
"Yes, sir," he answered. He knew he had to stop thinking about Faith – she was gone and even if she ever did come back again he would be surprised if she even looked at him again.   
  
"Oh, and if that honey of yours shows back up again tonight, make sure to tell her I said hi."   
  
"Yes, sir," he muttered as he walked out of the door – dirt bag.   
  
--------------------  
  
Faith strolled down the streets of L.A. trying to seem as though she fit in – it was a hard task because as most people said, the great thing about L.A. was that no one fit in and everyone felt like an outcast. Well, that was a role she felt comfortable playing. She was feeling fine until she saw a cop car glide down the street and all of a sudden an immense tension just took over her being. She told herself to relax and breath, but neither were in the radius of her brain and she found herself panting for breath in little over a block.   
  
The car went back up the street again and she turned quickly into the first bar she saw. She walked over to the bar and took a seat on a wooden stool lined up with about a dozen others. It was pretty crowded and there were people talking and dancing. The bartender walked over to her seeing a pretty face and knowing the good ol' rule of thumb – the bar is all about the ladies: where the ladies go, the men with money follow.   
  
"Hi there, princess, what can I get you?" She reached into her pockets and pulled out a dollar and some change and put it down on the bar,   
  
"What can I get for that?"   
  
"Honey, that's not even enough for a bad tip."   
  
"Listen, I'm having a really bad day and-"   
  
"Princess, look around, everyone in here's had a bad day… it's kind of a given."   
  
"Listen, asshole, just give me a fucking beer before I cause a scene in your pretty little bar."   
  
"Okay," the bartender answered giving a direct but subtle nod to the bouncer readily awaiting his call from the corner. "Here you go," he answered picking up a bottle of beer and tossing it over the bar and onto the floor by Faith's feet. He waited till it crashed to the ground before adding, "that'll be six bucks."   
  
"You fucking piece of shit!" she yelled angrily just before her arm was grabbed by the bouncer.   
  
"Miss, why don't we go outside?"   
  
"You don't want to fucking go outside with me," she warned viciously. He grabbed her arm again and she grabbed his shirt over his chest and threw him back against the bar causing the bartender to jump backwards and hit the bottles of liquor lined up on the wall. He couldn't believe she had just sent the ripped and quite large bouncer back about ten feet with one shove, and with a force! She bent down and picked up the broken neck of the beer bottle and flung it back towards the bartender. He jumped sideways just barely avoiding the blow,   
  
"Asshole," Faith muttered as she walked out of the bar.   
  
***********  
  
My hands are at your throat  
  
And I think I hate you  
  
************  
  
Faith walked down the sidewalk staring at her feet as though it would clear her thoughts. It certainly didn't though – all she could think about was all of the lies she had ever heard uttered in her ear. All of the people who had promised her things, which goes without say that they were never true. So many I love you's it was hard to sort through… the only category they all fell under were lies, empty promises… complete bull shit.   
  
She wiped her eyes unexpectedly feeling them filling with tears – a sound escaped her lips that she didn't think ever had. She whimpered in a broken and defeated tone as she wiped her eyes wishing she could just forget him but she couldn't. She was so strong about every facet of her personality and life that after accepting that she needed someone who she could just relax with and let go, she couldn't go back to pretending she didn't need anybody and that she was just 'five by five'. She walked just off of the main street into a small alley and leaned against the brick wall propping one leg up while she lit a cigarette and pushed her hair out of her face with her other hand. She carefully wiped her eyes again trying not to smear anymore makeup all over her face and trying to rectify what she had smeared. The long drags on the cigarette burned her from the inside out but the tingling, almost dizzy feeling she got with each fresh breath made the pain seem so much like pleasure. She let out a frustrated sigh just as a man was walking down the street and she chided herself silently seeing it caught his attention.   
  
"Miss, it's pretty late… alley's aren't a safe place for a woman like yourself," he greeted respectfully. She was shadowed by the tall building and the reflecting overhead light on the wet pavement due to the rain created an unfocused wall in front of him.   
  
"Whatever," she answered huskily.   
  
"I insist…" he added taking a step closer.   
  
"Well I'm going to insist on kicking your fucking ass if you take another step," she answered angrily. She was in absolutely no mood for dealing with a stupid, L.A. fucking suit who thought he knew everything about dark fucking alleys and night time boogie men. He was the type of creature of the night she feared – give her long fangs and dented foreheads any day over a arrogant, pushy, fucking man.   
  
"Faith?" the man asked as he took another step forward. Faith threw her cigarette down to the ground and stood up tall taking another look at the man in front of her.   
  
"Gunn?"   
  
"Hey there, sweet thing! You remembered my name…"   
  
"I told you I liked it," she answered with a wink. A feeling of confidence flushed through her as she stepped back into her comfort zone. She smiled but then looked at him again, "why in the hell are you dressed that way?"  
  
"Oh, this," he said looking down at his attire. He did look quite a bit different than the last time she had seen him. She remembered him in a baggy pair of jeans, a ripped up tee-shirt topped with a button down solid colored flannel shirt that could fit two other people in it and was longer on him than any skirt she'd ever put on. Now he was standing there in a custom tailored, grey suit with leather loafers and a tie. "Yeah, kind of weird…" he answered suddenly feeling uncomfortable with the change. When he had first met Faith he saw a girl that was all about what he was about – well, except for the whole crazy killer thing. She was a smart talking, street smart chick who didn't mind giving anybody lip and was going to tell you exactly what she wanted to, whether it was on her mind or not.   
  
"That's beyond weird, Gunn. What the fuck is going on?"   
  
"Nothing…" he answered a little confused.   
  
"Don't fuck with me!" she screamed defensively.   
  
"Whoa, whoa," he answered passively stepping back. "What are you talking about, Faith?"   
  
"I'm in no mood to be played right now – what the fuck is going on?"   
  
"Nothing!" he defended, "what are you talking about? Hey, are you okay?" The strained look on her face was enough to notify anyone that she was not far from flipping out, but the question was, why?   
  
"Where the fuck is Angel!?" she screamed desperately. Her head was spinning and her knees felt weak – all she had wanted was a little stability, that's why she dragged her ass all the way to L.A. She convinced herself as she dealt with getting weird looks and guys trying to pick her up the whole way over here that as soon as she crossed the border into L.A. everything would be better because she'd have Angel, and he'd just automatically be able to fix everything. That's what she needed right now.   
  
"Hey, calm down…" Gunn answered soothingly. He didn't know much about Faith – what he heard was enough to silence any man; what he saw was enough for anyone to absolutely admire her. "I'll take you there right now… I just gave them a call, they ordered in pizza. Let's go, come on…"   
  
"I was just there – no one's there. No one's been there for months."   
  
"What? Angel didn't tell you about the move?"   
  
"What move?"   
  
"We're at Wolfram & Hart now…"   
  
"I'm fucking out of here," she answered shortly. Gunn motioned forward instinctively to stop her to explain himself,   
  
"Faith, what-"  
  
"Don't you dare," she warned.   
  
"Faith, calm down!" he said sternly holding his ground. "The whole gangs there," he added, but then sadly it dawned on him that not the *whole* gang was there. "Well, almost…"   
  
"What do you mean?" she asked skeptically.   
  
"Cordelia… she's in a coma."   
  
"Been there – not great."   
  
"Yeah…" There was a long silence that came between both of them, that following tradition Faith broke,   
  
"Wolfram & Hart hired me to kill Angel – I think you're a sad ass liar."   
  
"I know it's awkward, but-"  
  
"Awkward? Last time I saw you I probably could of won money off of you betting you spell awkward – what the fuck? I like you Gunn, but I'm quickly starting to move you into the ordinary fuck category of my life." Unsure of how to receive her comment he thought it over for a minute then continued,   
  
"Faith, last year Wolfram & Hart offered Angel a job to run the L.A. branch however he wanted. We've been working from the inside to fix as much of the crime as we can… I don't know why Angel didn't tell you…"   
  
"Guess it's kind of lonely being the only person on my good list," she muttered almost under her breath. Gunn could just barely decipher what she had said and it was sad. She heard a police siren on one of the far off streets and shrugged, "Fine, trap or not - lets get gone."   
  
------------------  
  
"Hey, if I didn't know any better I'd say Faith was still here," Willow greeted walking into what was Faith's bedroom. There were scattered beer bottles around the room – all empty. Xander was lying on the bed nursing one in his hand as he stared at the television. It was on mute and the radio was playing.   
  
**********  
  
But still we'll say, "remember when"  
  
Just like we always do  
  
Just like we always do  
  
**********  
  
"Xander…" Willow said gently. "Sorry, excuse me… can Xander come out and play," she added jovially.   
  
"Xander's not going to be playing for a while."   
  
"How'd your interview go?"   
  
"It was horrible. He thinks I'm a love sick freak with A.D.D. and he wants to fuck my ex."   
  
"What?" she asked completely confused.   
  
"I got the job."   
  
"See – it'll be good for you, Xander. You need something to help you move on."   
  
"Yeah, another distraction - I've been trying with those. They haven't seemed to help."   
  
"Faith is not a distraction – she's like a drug that takes you under and makes you all euphoric-ie and makes you forget all of the bad stuff that ever happened to you, but then as you get a little dulled to the effects the bad stuff comes back full force and then she only seems to magnify the cracks inside of you and make them worse…"   
  
"Been working on that metaphor long?"   
  
"Maybe… Xander, don't get like this."   
  
"Don't get like what, Will?"   
  
"Don't act like you did when you and Anya broke up! It's when we all drifted apart and the whole Spike and Buffy thing, and Tara…"   
  
"Oh, you mean when I screwed things up with the other girl I loved?"   
  
"You didn't love Faith."   
  
"You say that with such confidence…   
  
"Faith just doesn't seem like the cuddle bunny I picture you with," she answered sardonically.   
  
"How's Kennedy?" Xander asked seeming to have changed the subject in Willow's favor but there is more to be said for that.   
  
"She actually stayed with me last night… I guess that's a good sign. It was kind of sad though – she said she just needed me to hold her and not make her talk about anything. She said she just wanted to forget what happened and she didn't want me to ask her any questions – she just wanted me to hold her… it's not really like her."   
  
"Sounds a hell of a lot like someone else though…" he muttered just barely loud enough for her to decipher what he had mumbled.   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"Will, what'd you do when she asked you to do that?"   
  
"I held her…"   
  
"Did you push her to tell you anything?"   
  
"No… I just held her and told her how much I missed her."   
  
"How'd it make you feel?" Willow thought the question over for a moment in her head and answered,   
  
"It made me feel kind of good – like I was the one person that she wanted to hold her and make her feel like everything was okay."   
  
"Yeah," Xander nodded and took a long pull from his beer. "Made you feel real good…"   
  
-------------------------  
  
As they approached the front entrance to the enormous and quite proudly standing building of the L.A. branch of Wolfram & Hart Faith said to Gunn,   
  
"You know, I really hope you're not playing me – I'm way too high tension right now to deal with a bad joke."   
  
"I noticed the high tension bit actually."   
  
"I don't mean to be a bitch… well, wait, maybe I do," she said as he held the door open for her and she walked through it. As she did alarms immediately resounded loudly throughout the entire building, "I'll kill you if this is bull," she warned viciously immediately taking a defensive stance.   
  
"It's not," he assured her trying to maintain composure. "Eve!" he called seeing her approaching cautiously. "Eve, what the hell are the alarms about?"   
  
"Is this thing with you?" she asked without even glancing over at Faith.   
  
"Thing?" Faith asked in a tone that could've shattered a tombstone.   
  
"She's with me, yes."   
  
"Charles, I know it's Angel's call, but to avoid situations like these you might want to inform the firm when you're bringing," now she glanced quickly over at Faith and repeated, "things, into the building."   
  
"I really wouldn't mind serving more time for taking her out," Faith assured Gunn. He motioned to her to relax with a hand motion. The situation quickly went from tense to taut as a line of men dressed in black and exorbitantly armed lined up around the entrance all facing Faith.   
  
"This is ridiculous," Gunn groaned, "go away!" he said to the soldiers. His tone was more of a whine than an order, a fault in his demeanor Faith loved to get a smirk out of.   
  
"He's such a party pooper," she said winking playfully at one of the soldiers who was now re-sheathing his gun and standing up in a more relaxed manner. He smiled in response and they filed out of the room.   
  
"It's protocol," Eve said strictly before turning and walking away going back to whatever business she was busying herself with earlier.   
  
"Don't mind her, she warms up."   
  
"Angel fuck her yet?" Faith asked watching her until she disappeared behind a door.   
  
"Why do you ask?" he asked curiously, and somewhat impressed that Faith was dead on target.   
  
"You forget, I'm fluent in male, that's yes in a big and numerous times sort of way," she answered bluntly. Gunn laughed in response and continued to led her up the stairs towards Angel's office. Faith certainly walked to her own beat – but damn, if anyone could walk the walk and back it up with a hell of a lot of talk, it was her.   
  
"I smell pizza!" Gunn announced proudly as he walk through the oak doors of Angel's office. Angel looked up from his desk hearing the voice with an automatic smile. He looked over at Gunn walking through the doorway but his smile suddenly disappeared and was replaced with worry as he saw Faith enter behind him. He wasn't sure why he had this reaction, but it was the natural one that came before he could curb or claim it.   
  
"Faith… what are you doing here?" he asked concern overwhelming both his tone and his features. Fred and Wesley quickly looked up from their reading from two of the couches off the center of the room.   
  
"Oh my God, I missed you too, Angel!" she answered not sparing the histrionics.   
  
****************  
  
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
  
I'll spill my heart for you  
  
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
  
I'll spill my heart for you  
  
*****************  
  
"That's not what I meant…" he explained now walking towards her and Gunn. She looked up at him dully as though he was lucky she was being so patient waiting for something from him. He finally caught on and greeted, "Hello, Faith."   
  
"Hey," she greeted back with a smile now spreading across her face. She walked past him and over to the boxes of pizza stacked on the table. She helped herself to a slice and turned back to the couches and greeted the other, "Hey, Wes," she greeted with respect lining her words subtly as she spoke them. It was a subtlety not lost on Wesley,   
  
"It's nice to see you, Faith."  
  
"Hey there, Fred," she greeted jovially with a wink.   
  
"Hi," she answered with a slight giggle.   
  
"What brings you to town, Faith?" Angel asked not to be distracted from the glitter show she was playing with her smiles.   
  
"A girl can't come for a simple visit?" she asked with a grin as she sank down in his chair behind his desk immediately propping her boots down onto of all of the papers he had been reading through when they arrived. She crossed her legs at the ankles on top of his desk and ate her slice happily.   
  
"So how's everyone doing?" Wesley asked cutting in front of Angel. It was obvious that Faith had bigger reasons for coming all this way without even calling but now was certainly not the time to confront them – he was fairly keen on when to back off of Faith.   
  
"Yeah, how's Buffy, and Willow, and Xander, and Giles…" Fred listed excitedly. It gave her a thrill and a lining of confidence to know that there was actually another team just like them out there working just as hard as they were for the same goal.   
  
"They're all good," she answered plainly. Fred continued talking about something she had heard about Buffy and Angel approached closer to the desk where Faith was sitting,   
  
"Are you good?" he asked with concern.   
  
"Ooo baby, I'm better than you'll ever know," she answered with a sexy wink and smile.   
  
"Faith," he reprimanded quietly,   
  
"I'm just playing," she answered childishly. Faith almost threw her pizza across the room as she watched Spike walk through a wall just a few feet off to her left. "What the fuck!" she yelled. Spike let out a little yelp but quickly regained himself,   
  
"Bloody hell!" he groaned angrily, "I knew those bloody shootin' stars weren't worth day old whiskey! Wrong bloody Slayer, you bloody asshole!" he cursed towards the ceiling. "What the hell're you doing here, baddie?"   
  
"I'm kind of wondering the same about you… you're a fuckin' ghost!" she noticed as he walked through the lamp. "Alright Angel, first you don't tell me about the whole Wolfram & Hart thing and then you don't feel the need to mention this…"   
  
"It just didn't come up…" he explained.   
  
"A lot of that going around," she muttered angrily.   
  
"Yeah, you should've told her I was here – she would've come to visit you sooner," Spike said confidently.   
  
"Spike, Cliquot…" Faith mentioned cryptically. Everyone in the room kind of stopped talking and looked to her waiting for the explanation.   
  
"Huh?" Spike asked angrily confused.   
  
"It's an expensive brand of champagne," she answered without even a trace of a smile on her lips. She allowed the thought to sink into his head then she got up and got herself another pizza. Spike stood there in a slightly mortified state until he found a good point to exit through the nearest wall.   
  
"Champagne?" Angel asked still trying to figure out how Faith got rid of Spike so easily. Was it like a magic word with Spike that just made him leave?   
  
"Yeah," Faith answered nonchalantly.   
  
"Think that trick will work for me?" he asked wondering if at mentioning champagne he could make Spike just leave.   
  
"Maybe," she answered with a devilish smile. It occurred to him suddenly that there was probably some sick sexual reference going on that he wasn't picking up on and he looked back in Faith's direction sternly. Her reaction was a quick raise of the eyebrows as though daring him to inquire further. Before he could either take or refuse the challenge the door to his office opened quickly and Lorne walked in with Eve trailing a few paces behind him.   
  
"Hello, my little-" he stopped mid greeting laying his eyes on Faith behind Angel's desk with her boots rested comfortably on top of his stack of paperwork – that was enough to add to his love for the girl – he practically screeched with excitement, "my beautiful little song bird!" He made his way quickly over to the desk and Faith pulled her feet down and stood receiving an honest and loving embrace from the green demon.   
  
"You look fabulous," he exclaimed, his babbling beginning. "Oh no," he said regretfully, "one of my messengers ran into my office and announced that the most gorgeous woman had just entered the building!" He paused for dramatic effect, "I fired him on the spot knowing Faith wasn't in town… I hope they didn't kill him yet," he added jokingly. The whole room seemed to loosen up a notch with Lorne's presence – no one was aware that there was any tension or discomfort in the room but with Lorne's entrance and the change to a more relaxed room the previous tension became obvious. Faith sat back down behind the desk and resumed her previous position. She laughed at his joke and Lorne seemed to soak up her features. She was very comfortable around the demon – if any human man would've looked at her that way, even if it were just half a second like he just had, she probably would've immediately reprimanded them and left. It wasn't a perverse or weird look, but one that seemed to take in her whole demeanor and study it all in a matter or a single short moment. Lorne picked up on the subtle reaction that really only happened in her head and he added jovially,   
  
"Angel, she looks good behind that desk. I think she should take over your job… you can't beat that pose," he stated holding up his hands like a camera lens as she sat there with her scuffed boots on the desk.   
  
"Yeah, you've got yourself quite the setup here, Angel," she said admiring the entire office at once now from her view. Her eye caught Eve and she muttered towards Lorne,   
  
"Is it in her job description to be a hard-ass?" He laughed, but only slightly since Angel's acute hearing had enabled him to eavesdrop on her comment and he gave a chiding glare in their direction.   
  
"You don't like that quality?" Angel asked.   
  
"Well if I wanted to deal with a stuck up, holier than thou, hard-ass, pain in the ass I could've stayed in bumblefuck with B and had my share…" she answered with a shrug. Angel caught himself before he began reprimanding,   
  
"Faith, this is Eve."   
  
"Faith?" Eve asked quickly.   
  
"What's it to you," Faith asked immediately defensive.   
  
"You've worked for us before," she stated calmly. "I believe it was to… to kill Angel, am I right?"   
  
"You little book worm you," Faith mocked happily.   
  
"Yes," Eve agreed begrudgingly, "I've done lots of reading on *your* file." The tension skyrocketed in the room, "you can learn a lot about a person from their file."   
  
"You can also learn a lot from a person just by looking at their face," Faith snapped.   
  
"So how's setting up the branch of the Council going?" Gunn finally asked jumping between the tongue lashes that were about to begin between the two headstrong woman.   
  
"Don't really know," Faith answered leaving off all formalities now – she was irritated, it wasn't far off from her previous mood, but it was something she didn't want to deal with right now. "I usually stay out of all the… well, all of it. B likes it better that way."   
  
"So what've you spending your time doing?" Wesley asked still concerned that his Slayer, or whatever she could be called in relevance to him, was doing something productive with her time.   
  
"Drinking, smoking, and fu-"  
  
"Sorry I asked," he said cutting her off.   
  
"Who?" Fred jumped in accidentally dying from curiosity. This was the most excitement they had had in a long time that didn't revolve around having to save the world. Faith smiled not wanting to give away how uncomfortable she suddenly became but as she tried to answer her throat seemed to clench so tight she couldn't get anything out. Lorne and Angel both caught her hesitation and Lorne jumped in,   
  
"Faith doesn't tend to kiss and tell…"   
  
"Oh, no I wasn't talking about kissing," Fred explained, but as she realized what was said she shrunk with an embarrassed smile, "Sorry…"   
  
"No problem," Faith answered with a smile, "we'll have to go out on a girl's night and I'll catch you up," she promised. Fred smiled happily and nodded. A conversation formed between Gunn, Wesley, and Fred by the couches and Eve exited the room almost as quietly as Spike had.   
  
"Faith…" Lorne said in a questioning tone approaching the desk again, "is everything alright with you?"   
  
"Five by five," she assured him with a smile.   
  
"I'm glad to hear it," he answered with a smile. "Angel, can I speak with you outside about that boring… project… on radioactive… activity…" Lorne babbled as he walked with Angel slowly out of the office trying not to make it obvious, "by the lake in downtown in the city of Lost Angels-" he finally closed the door behind him. "She's too smart to just get away with saying anything," he said with a sigh. Angel gave him a soft glare seeing Lorne thought he had just been extremely subtle.   
  
"What's up, Lorne?"   
  
"Angel, have you ever seen a wolf?" he asked his tone creeping into his serious, business-like one.   
  
"Yes, I have."   
  
"I think they're fascinating creatures, I really do. They're powerful, respected, vicious, gorgeous animals – there's no doubting that."   
  
"Lorne, unless a wolf is about to walk in the front door, could you please direct this towards your point…" Angel hurried, anxious to return to Faith and try to get some time to talk to her.   
  
"If you've ever touched a wolf you know how dangerous it is to stretch your hand out and touch them… it's even more dangerous if that wolf has been kicked by someone – you're more likely to get your hand ripped off."   
  
"Lorne-"   
  
"Seeing that wolf from far away it might not be too obvious whether it's been kicked before or not… but when you go to touch it you'll know."   
  
"Lorne, I don't underst-"  
  
"Angel, just be careful – she's going to bite." His final statement made his suspicion final that he was definitely talking about Faith. He looked deeply at Lorne, now wanting any information out of him that he was not caring how cryptic it might be. "I don't know who kicked her, but when they did they knocked her to the ground."   
  
"How do you know?" Angel asked not doubting him, but just wanting to be sure. "She didn't sing or anything…"   
  
"Angel, I'm not saying this from a special powers point of view, this is coming from someone who's watched a lot of pained people, and to me, Faith's one of the more glaringly pained ones… I didn't need to hear her sing, Angel, all I had to do was walk into the same room as her. The only reason you didn't pick up on it first was because you don't want to believe she's back to that part of her life where she's hurting. You want to look at her and believe her when she pretends everything fine…   
  
"What should I do?" he asked needing guidance knowing how right Lorne was.   
  
"Just be careful… she's gonna bite."   
  
---------------------------  
  
"Morning," Wendy greeted as she walked into the kitchen and was slightly surprised to see Kennedy leaning against the wall holding a cup. She heard a mutter of a greeting and she continued with her usual routine.   
  
************  
  
Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!  
  
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!  
  
************  
  
Kennedy felt like she had been out drinking all week – her face felt like it was swollen and her eyes felt like they were barely open. It seemed like everyone was talking around her but they sounded far away and high pitched, talking a mile a minute in a way she couldn't have understood even if she actually was in the least interested in what any of them were saying. Inside she felt like a huge gapping hole that was completely empty and the silence echoed inside of her.   
  
She had been in the kitchen for at least the last two hours just pacing and sitting and staring. Willow and her hadn't gotten in a fight, but Willow had gotten frustrated with the way she was acting and asked her if she was, 'in love with Faith, or something?' and she immediately answered it wasn't anything like that, but the thought stuck in her head. She knew she had an attachment to her but she hadn't thought it was in that way… was it? The thought nagged at her painfully as she thought over it in the kitchen.   
  
--------------------------  
  
***************  
  
My hands are at your throat  
  
And I think I hate you  
  
We made the same mistakes  
  
Mistakes like friends do  
  
***************  
  
Xander sat in bed – Faith's bed – a somewhat telling sign, staring down at his feet. He was never a person who couldn't admit when they felt something and right now all he felt was empty. He couldn't help but drift off into a slight daze since he hadn't had much more rest than that all night. He had woken up more exhausted then he had lain down from his constant tossing and turning and waking. He glanced up at the television off in the corner of the room which hadn't been touched in what seemed to be such a long time. Drifting into his daydream he remembered one of his fondest memories:   
  
He was sitting in a spot on the bed very similar to the one he was actually in right now. Faith was sitting in between his legs lying back on his chest facing the television, as was he, and he had his hands rested protectively over her waist and hips. The most amazing thing about the memory was how he could remember the feeling of it, which was really the memorable thing about it. He felt the comforting feeling that he had felt that night – lying there with her that night he felt like the luckiest man in the world. He had Faith, not only the most gorgeous girl he had ever laid eyes on, but also the most unattainable in the way he had her right now. There were very few things he had done with Faith that he could even begin to think that it was the first time she'd done it with anyone else – but lying there with someone in such a loving, but unplanned way was something he was almost sure she had never had before.   
  
He could remember everything about that memory – the way her hair smelled like fresh honey and flowers, the way her skin felt soft and relaxed under his fingertips, the way her breath glided in time with his, the way she fit so perfectly against him as though they were two pieces to a jig-saw puzzle. But he knew what was the best part of the memory:   
  
He had gone into the bedroom first that night and started flipping channels sitting up on the bed as he was described. He watched a few info-mercials and music videos of songs he had never heard before until Faith came in. She had three Corona's held in one hand – each bottle neck between different fingers and a pack of cigarettes and a lighter held in the other. She walked into the room swaying her hips back and forth as she walked over to the side of the bed and put two of the three down on the floor. He sat there and she looked over at him – her expression became still and looked as though she were contemplating whether to go sit with him or not, as though he might tell her he didn't want her there.   
  
Thinking back on it that look was burned deeply into his memory as he realized how big of an ass he had been being around that time. He had been very cold and closed to her – no wonder she wasn't sure whether she should go sit with him or not. That night, seeing such a soft look on her face he opened his hand out to her and asked softly,   
  
"Come sit with me?" She smiled softly at his request and walked over to the bed and kissed him so softly on his lips before sliding carefully onto his lap in the described position. But this still wasn't the best part of the memory – it was the feeling he got when he saw her put her beer, one which was only missing about half of a sip from it onto the floor, and when he heard the pack of cigarettes and lighter uniformly land on the ground next to it. As soon as it registered in his mind what she had done he felt her nestle into him a little deeper and he slid his hands around her waist.   
  
Xander pressed both his lips painfully between his teeth and clenched his eyes shut for a moment as he remembered how wonderful he felt waking up with her the next morning still in the same position, except with her slightly turned on her side on his chest. He grabbed his face in his hands trying to stifle the tears he felt welling up. He knew all too well why he was crying too – being with her completely, having all of her, the good and the bad, the open and the hidden, the confident and the insecure, the sexy and the loving – it was a feeling he had never felt before and he knew it was a feeling he was never going to feel again. There was nothing he could do to win back that trust that he had shattered – he doubted there was any one in the world that would be able to be that person for her again.  
  
------------------------  
  
Angel walked into the guest bedroom after being invited in after knocking. Faith was sitting on the bottom corner of the bed aimlessly folding a shirt extremely meticulously so it would take longer. It was purely something she was doing to waste time because glancing over at her bag of clothes on the floor – Faith didn't fold her clothes.   
  
"So, is there anything you want to talk about?" he asked.   
  
"No, why?"   
  
"Just wondering… you look like you do."   
  
"No," she lied with a soft shrug. Faith could be a deceptive person – it was part of what got her so deep into trouble, but generally it didn't affect him, because strangely, he seemed to understand her better than she did sometimes.   
  
"Well, I was about to go do some training and I was wondering if you'd accompany me."   
  
"So now you're going to try and beat it out of me," she joked.   
  
"Last resort…"   
  
"I think I'm going to pass," she answered much to his shock!   
  
"Faith, that's like marking K on a four choice multiple choice test… it's not an option."   
  
"So that's why I didn't pass…" she groaned jovially.   
  
"Come on, it'll be good for you."   
  
"There's nothing wrong with me," she snapped.   
  
"You need a good release, Faith."   
  
"Not really something you can help me with…"   
  
"There are two things that get you," he answered unmoved by her statement.   
  
"Point me towards something to kill, I'm all for it, but I'm not going to get all sweaty for nothing."   
  
"Training isn't for nothing-"   
  
"I just don't feel like it."   
  
"I think you really need it," Angel pushed. He could see her getting angry with his constant pushing but it was kind of his intent.   
  
  
  
****************  
  
My hands are at your throat  
  
And I think I hate you  
  
We made the same mistakes  
  
Made the same mistakes   
  
*****************  
  
"Whatever," she muttered standing up from the bed heading towards her bag to put the now perfectly folded shirt on top of the pile of strewn clothing. Angel knew having a good spar was probably the only thing that was going to finally let Faith let go – the way she was holding everything in had gotten to the point where it was a major concern for him. As she stood Angel sent a slow roundhouse kick up towards the side of her face. He sent the kick firmly but very slowly expecting her to avoid it without even blinking, and as he did so he regretted it, realizing she would probably send a counter-attack on him and he would be the one on his back. Shock was probably the best way to describe his emotion when he made contact with her face and sent her straight to the ground where she remained without a single movement other then a frustrated grimace.   
  
He stood a few paces away looking down at her wondering what to do next. He saw a trickling of blood coming across her forehead, the scratch from where he had contacted her forehead with his boot right in front of her temple.   
  
"Not exactly on the top of your game, are you?" he joke not wanting to seem too concerned knowing she would only get defensive if he did. She didn't answer and something began to concern him even more, "Faith, get up."   
  
"I don't want to anymore," she mumbled angrily. She finally got up without any hurry but the furious expression on her face was blatantly obvious.   
  
"I think training is exactly what you need," Angel pressed again. She was ignoring him now – walking away from him in the room stopping in front of the mirror and touching the blood on her face with a single finger. Angel watched, concerned with how fascinated she seemed to be watching the trickling stream mingle with her eyebrow and slowly continue the line. "Let's go… you're angry, I hit you… you should be angry… hit me," he pushed. She didn't do more than give him a dirty look before busying herself aimlessly with other small things around her room.   
  
"Faith, hit me!" he challenged.   
  
"You're being retarded," she answered. He sent another punch towards her face this time even slower and not as strong but it still shocked him when it made contact with her face. "Can you stop?" she asked angrily – frustrated that he was really focused on getting her to fight.   
  
"Can you fight?" he asked, truly unsure of the answer to that now. He sent another kick, this time not sparing the speed or force knowing she was watching him as he did so. She barely pulled away and he contacted her jaw with his foot and sent her straight to the floor again. She leaned up on her elbow as she touched her sore jaw still on the floor.   
  
------------------------  
  
Xander walked in from the garage rubbing his hands against his arms trying to warm up. It was a little too windy for just the tee shirt he was wearing but he hadn't expected the stop he made – the bar. He glanced down at his watch and it was getting close to eleven.   
  
"Where you been?" Kennedy asked sharply as he entered the kitchen.   
  
"You patrolling the house now?"   
  
"No, I was just wondering if you were fucking around with other chicks yet," she answered flatly.   
  
"What!?" he asked angrily.   
  
"I'm just thinking," she began in a tone that was wicked enough to compete with Faith on some occasions, "Faith probably had you spoiled… you probably going through lots of withdrawal."   
  
"Kennedy, what the hell are you talking about?" he asked insulted that he was being thought of that way.   
  
"Okay, to put it bluntly, I'm just saying it wouldn't surprise me if you were out sleeping around with other chicks already."   
  
"Why would I do that? And what would you have to do with it even if I were?"   
  
"So you are?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Whatever."   
  
"I'm not! And why would you think I was?"   
  
"Anyone who could do what you did to Faith… don't act like you're above fucking around… in my book, you ain't above much."   
  
"Okay, I get that you hate me… like in a completely big way… but-"  
  
"No, you can just stop there. I hate you, that's basically it."   
  
"Kennedy… it's hard for you to understand…"   
  
"So make me understand!"   
  
"I don't think I could…"   
  
"I was on the same page with Faith for a while, I think you're little sob story will be pretty easy…"  
  
"It's not a sob story!"   
  
"Oh yeah, you're right, it's not because you never cried… hell, do you even feel bad? You're probably like every other fucking pig she's been with! 'Faith who?' You're such a-"   
  
"Kennedy, there's a lot more to it then that."   
  
"Well, that's the only part of the plan you told Faith, so why don't you try and figure out the other half so you can bull shit through it for me…"   
  
"You seem completely convinced that this didn't affect me at all…"   
  
"Sorry, I'm just sort of working off of comparison here, and well, looking at Faith who started drinking and doing god only knows what else till all hours of the night before coming home and sleeping for a few days and never come out of her room or talking to anyone… oh and let me not forget how she cried constantly! She stopped eating and… oh here's a good one, SHE LEFT! Sorry, but all I've seen from you are normal everyday routines where you wake up, chat it up with everyone else, go over to the other house with Buffy and help her out all day or disappear at your new job, which by the way isn't as good of a distraction as Faith was, right?" she added snidely, "…then come home and have dinner and laugh and joke with everyone! Comparing you to Faith – you're not affected."   
  
"We all have our own way of dealing with things…"   
  
"Ooo, I know how this one goes!" she mocked, "we all deal with things differently, you know, like, not deal with them at all, and then some assholes like me, we use girls like Faith to fuck around with and completely mess up emotionally so I can pretend to get over my dead fucking ex-girlfriend. But in the end I feel bad for using her so I *tell* her I'm using her and that every time I ever told her I loved her, oh, I was just full of fucking shit! Sorry if that completely destroys the only foundation you've been living on since you tried to recover from being in jail for a few years!!!"   
  
Kennedy was heated! There was just no other way to describe it and Xander suddenly found himself on very familiar and uncomfortable ground; standing in front of an extremely angry Slayer. Why was he always the one put right here?  
  
-------------------------------  
  
"What the hell is the matter with you?"   
  
"Get up," he demanded firmly – his tone was only an attempt to mask how nervous he was becoming. Never had he seen Faith confronted with a challenge and been so passive. Something was definitely wrong.   
  
"Get out," she counter-demanded. She got to her feet again seeming indifferent to the fact that he had just hit her *again*. She walked back over to the mirror looking at both of the marks on her face now.   
  
"Faith! You feel that feeling inside of you right now – you've got to start letting it out. You're going to explode if you don't. You're not dealing with your emotions you're just suppressing them and it's dangerous, especially for you. Just let it out…"   
  
"Trust me, you don't want to see what's inside of me."   
  
"I remember…" Angel began to recap on a past memory and he hesitated knowing it probably wasn't prudent to bring up things from that time, but he continued knowing he was too far into it to quit now. "I remember when Buffy said she never knew you had so much rage inside of you… Faith, I know," he assured her.   
  
"Yay for you, really… but I hate to break it to you – I think absolutely everyone else has figure out I'm kind of fucked up too."   
  
Before everything that had happened between her and Xander she probably would've been extremely appreciative to the caring and protective nature he was treating her with. But she was very affected by what happened between her and Xander – and trust was far more of a fragile area now than a crumbling egg shell. She didn't want anyone to care about her, look after her, worry about her; none of it. It was all a bunch of crap that just got your hopes up so you could be let down. She was reverting back to her old life motto – if you don't give a shit about anything, nothing that happens matters. Life will come and go and it'll never touch you – you'll never be burned.   
  
She had a lot of time to think while she was in prison – actually it was all she had to do. And in that time she had changed the way she thought; she convinced herself that there were people she could trust and that wanted good things for her. She thought about a lot of stuff while she was in there, but the main thing was that she knew she didn't want to be alone anymore. She wanted someone to love her and someone who she could love. She hadn't decided that if she got out she'd beeline for a boy-toy, but she had forced herself to be open to the idea. For a girl with all the features Faith had, as soon as she was open to the idea, the opportunities were lined up. But now she was back where she started – uncaring, hurt, and wanting to just be alone. She actually chided herself for thinking she could be in a relationship of any kind; she was right back where she started, except worse – now she was hurt too.   
  
"Whoa, I know you're not exactly the most predictable person, but that wasn't even out of left field… that was out of outer space, Faith. Just yesterday you were Miss Sociable, now you're being blank, cynical, and-"   
  
"Come on, you know nastier words then those," she said cutting him off.   
  
"What's this about!?"   
  
"Oh come on, I may not be too bright, but I'm not fucking stupid, Angel! You and Lorne didn't just walk out of there yesterday to talk about some bull shit reports…"   
  
"Faith, we were just-"  
  
"No, I'm not saying you shouldn't talk, but-"  
  
"Faith, now you're just not making any sense."   
  
"Angel, just be fucking straight with me. I don't like being played with…" she stated – trying to make her voice strong but she failed as several cracks dispersed throughout the phrase. Her demand was subtle but very telling to why she was feeling so… off.   
  
"He's worried about you… you mean a lot to him and-"  
  
"Yeah, right," she muttered disdainfully.   
  
"Faith, he sat with you while you were coasting away on your little drug trip, or have we forgotten your latest suicide attempt," he added with a small amount of levity trying to brighten to the mood in the room. "He cares about you… we all do."   
  
"Well spare the trouble."   
  
"Faith, what is up with you!?" he demanded to know running short of patience. He had fairly endless patience when it came to Faith, but he didn't even know what end-zone she was running for.   
  
"Angel, I'm sorry," she apologized taking a deep breath and trying to start over. She walked in an obtuse circle trying to clear her head just enough to see her next footfall. Lately she felt like she couldn't even see that far and she was just taking steps down a treacherous path without looking as to where her foot might land.   
  
"I just want to help… I'm here for you," he added, "even if I do kick you in the face occasionally…" He couldn't help but feel a little guilty for the slow motion assault as he saw the state it put her face in. The bleeding had already stopped and was just slightly darkened around the impact areas. He tried to read her expression for hints as to what could be wrong – there were so many possibilities. He knew how hard going back to Sunnydale was for her – being around Buffy and Giles and Willow, Xander, and probably a bunch of others he didn't even know she knew there.   
  
"Feel free to kick me in the face anytime, really. I need a good kick… pretty often, actually," she commented as she touched her sore cheek. She almost felt like she deserved every pain she got for everything she had inflicted on others.   
  
"Is it Buffy?" She shrugged,   
  
"I can't say it's not… it's always going to be Buffy. Nothing I say to her is going to change what I did. Hell, if I were her I'd hate me too."   
  
"So things with you two aren't great?"   
  
"We're not really talking too much."   
  
"Why am I getting the scary vibe that that's the least of your problems? It's a really scary vibe, Faith…"   
  
"I… I guess… it's because… I don't know." She knew talking to Angel always made her feel better and he always knew how to help her sort it out. He was someone who wasn't just going to tell her the easy fix, he would tell her the right one, even if it was the harder way. But there was just this block inside of her that made her never able to just come out and talk with him.   
  
"Well, what's up with Giles? Is he okay with having you back on the team?"   
  
"Giles is cool. I mean, yeah, I look at him watching me and he doesn't look at me like a proud Watcher or anything, but he's okay with having me around."   
  
"Are Willow and you as close as you used to be?" he asked jokingly. It didn't take a genius to see the tension between those two. It was obvious the battle for Buffy was mainly fought between them.   
  
"Oh yeah, she's always eager to put in a good word for me." She added the last phrase under her breath knowing it was just a hunch and not based on any fact other than how she felt, "…and how great it was to stay with me…"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Nothing…"   
  
"Okay…" Angel answered passively knowing he was about to stick his face right in front of that wolf Lorne was talking about, "then what about you and Xander?" The room fell silent for several long moments and Angel finally pushed again, "you two seemed really good when I came down… it's still good, right?" He watched her face carefully and it made his stomach twist as he saw the pain filling her face like blood pools a wound. Knowing he had made the plunge he knew he had to twist it, "everything is still good with you guys, right?"   
  
"Yeah, it's great… that's why I left and came here, Angel…" she answered sarcastically. The fact that her level of volume had decreased by several scores was a major indication that he had finally hit the nail on the head. It was his main suspicion, but as Lorne had suggested, walk around and sit with the wolf before you go reaching your hand out to get bitten.   
  
"So things are bad? What happened…"   
  
"Angel, I don't want to talk about it, okay…" she begged, her tone shifting suddenly to an insecure and almost panicked child.   
  
"The look on your face is enough to make me see just how much you're hurting, Faith…"   
  
"I just don't want to talk about it," she repeated shaking her head.   
  
"You came here because you want to talk…" he reminded her.   
  
"Just make it stop hurting."   
  
"Talk to me, Faith…" he soothed as he walked closer to her and sat on the bed willing to stay there forever if that's what it took for her to talk to him.   
  
-----------------------  
  
"Kennedy, what do you want me to say?" Xander asked knowing everything she said had been through his head a million times already because he had already chided himself for everything she was so determined to remind him of. She paused for a moment thinking of what she really wanted to hear from him then answered,   
  
"I want to know if you really loved her. I know you said it was all fake, but I don't know if I believe you. I don't know if Faith would've been deceived so easily on such fragile ground for her. She wasn't exactly eager to have that kind of connection with anyone, I doubt she'd have overlooked the fact that you're a sad ass liar."   
  
"I do love her. I really do… but I can't lose someone again."  
  
"Why would you lose her?"   
  
"She's a Slayer… she's out there fighting all of the time and she's *not* careful! She'll either wined up dead or… she could get arrested! If she were arrested she'd be put away forever. They'd take her away from me and never let me have her back again…"   
  
"So you feel better about pushing her away yourself instead of letting someone else take her?"   
  
"She's come too close too many times… I lost Anya, and I never saw Anya so close… and certainly never that many times."   
  
"You left her because you just didn't want to care about anyone that much anymore…"   
  
"I guess so… I just didn't want to care because then I can't get hurt. After me and Anya split, as if that didn't hurt enough, she was all hot and heavy with Spike, and… I just don't want to feel that way about anyone again. It hurt enough the first time around… I don't know how it got so far with Faith before I took a breath and realized how deeply underwater I was."  
  
"So if Faith gets with some other guy you're going to wig out?"   
  
"I won't. That's why I ended it. We didn't break up, we stopped everything. I don't want to get jealous when I see other people look at her… I don't want to feel bad when I see her cry… I don't want to feel like I'm an inch away from killing myself if anything happens to her…"   
  
"Whatever," Kennedy answered not willing to feel sorry for him at all. She knew where he was coming from – he was coming from a place of pain and sorrow and anger. But Faith was coming from so much more and he just pulled the ground out from underneath her. "I'm guessing you won't have to worry about the guy thing… Faith probably won't even let another guy touch her."   
  
"Wishful thinking on my behalf."   
  
"I'm serious – she's not going to like the way it feels when someone else touches her… they'll never have what you did. She actually trusted you… she'd give you anything… no one else is going to come close to that and she's not going to want them to. She's not going to let another person near her… don't you worry," she muttered angrily.   
  
---------------------------  
  
Angel walked into his office with an angry huff sending both doors swinging to their maximum against the hinges that held them. Eve had been down the hallway doing a little late night business in the firm and she heard him. It was always obvious when it was Angel – no one made an entrance quite like he did, especially when he was angry.   
  
"Is everything alright?" she asked cautiously as she stood in the doorway still half hidden by the door. Angel looked up at her briefly then continued to mess around his desk. "Angel?"   
  
"It's fine." His tone was short and furious.   
  
"You're right, it looks that way," she answered sarcastically now walking into the office and sitting down across from his desk.   
  
"Eve, now is not a good time, okay?"   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
"A lot of things, okay?" he answered angrily as he grabbed his leather coat off of the back of his chair.   
  
"Is there anything I can do to help?"   
  
"Yeah," he answered putting his coat on, "hold my calls… I'll be back tomorrow."   
  
*****************  
  
Until the day I die  
  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you  
  
***************** 


	19. Part XIX

Adjustment – Part XIX  
  
Wesley walked through the halls of Wolfram & Hart just as the early bloomers were starting to arrive to begin another day of work. He walked as he always did when he felt this way – the walk could be described… the emotion can't. He held his cup of tea in one hand and under and on the other were numerous files with heaps of paper carefully organized within each. He walked past Harmony's secretarial desk as he did every morning just to have his first smile of the day. Usually as he passed the empty desk at seven o'clock in the morning, which should contain Angel's, slightly irresponsible and always fashionable late, secretary a smile came to his lips.   
  
This morning was different though. He passed the desk just the same but the effect didn't take place inside of him. He felt differently – Faith was here. He wasn't sure of many things when the subject matter was relevant to Faith; all except for one thing. He knew that presently, although he felt differently with her around, it wasn't a bad feeling. He was Faith's Watcher and deep down inside he knew, he loved her. He had watched her through so much… he had fallen short so many times when he could have caught her and helped her keep from slipping… but he admitted it, there were several shortcomings in his career with her. He knew her at a time in her life when she was her sickest. He remembered just thinking of her as, 'a sick, sick girl…' and there wasn't anything he knew of that could ever change that.   
  
Wesley was aware of his courage when he was at Sunnydale. He wasn't a liar, he could admit that he wasn't scared of too much… But he would also admit, Faith had deeply and truly terrified him. Being at her mercy and having her take absolutely none on him was just an experience he would never forget – he would never look at another single human being the same way ever again.   
  
Fate. It was something Faith had challenged him to question during a dark time in her life. Was all of this just a matter of Fate? As he watched the mangled, hurt, and it could even possibly be said, destroyed girl who had nothing but herself in this world, or at least that's how she felt. Faith could stir up emotions in him better than anyone could but he knew for sure, right now he was proud of her. She had been through more than most people could ever live through and as soon as he called on her… like a Watcher should to his Slayer, she responded and did as much as she could do to do his request. She had gone to Sunnydale and now she was back… the reason was still unclear, but it was obvious to him that she had an emptiness about her that she usually never had. There was a gap that seemed to stand around her like a moat that no one would ever dare cross.   
  
Wesley sat behind his desk in his office leaving the door ajar as he usually did until around quarter to nine when people would begin to really bustle around, then he would succumb to the noise and close himself away from all of the people he had claimed he was there to help. He sipped at his tea and noted he hadn't put enough sugar in it. His expression must've shown his slight displeasure in quite a comical way. He settled down into his chair to prepare for what the day would bring. Around here it was never quite sure – government officials, rowdy office workers, unhappy clients, potential demonic clientele, and who knows, maybe even an apocalypse.   
  
The phone rang in a way that seemed to mock him. He was sure it would bring bad news, or at least news that would make it so he'd have to leave his chair, but yet the phone sang it's call happily. He picked up the receiver and greeted,   
  
"Hello, this is-… Ah, yes, hello… Oh, I didn't even know you were gone… is everything alright?... Not a problem… Cheers."   
  
He hung up the phone and tried to begin on his paper work. He busied himself for a duration of time that he couldn't judge the length of before he looked up from his desk. His eyes wandered through his office doorway and out onto the hallway of office workers. He took another sip from his tea and he finally was given his first smile of the day which had been denied to him earlier. A soft smile spread about his features as he watched Faith walking through the medley of office workers, all completely different looking, different species, not to mention all going in different directions and at different speeds.   
  
The first object of his humor was the clear contrast between everyone's attire against hers. The majority of workers were in suits or professional dresses with their carefully dried, combed, and styled hair: either in a neat and almost slicked back bun for the ladies, or the closely cut and gelled short cuts for the men. Faith walked directly through this sea of people making them stop in their tracks to accommodate her pace and direction. She appeared as though she had slept in the clothes she was wearing – a ribbed, white, men's underwear tank top and a pair of sweatpants that looked to have paint stains on them and were cut off by a scissor about half way up the shin. Her hair was messy and thrown to the side of her head with a stray clip leaving several strands directly in her face.   
  
The second part that brought him humor was the makeup. All of the workers had spent much time to apply their makeup in a way to make it look like they hadn't put any on but in reality it had taken much more to appear that way. Faith had smeared, black eye makeup that must've been put on a day and a half before the way it looked. It strangely didn't make her look bad at all, Wesley had to note, it just made her look tired. Although initially it was something he had found humor in, he remembered the last time he had seen Faith looking so tired… not something he wished to live through again. It didn't so much worry him as much as sadden him that she might be close to that again.   
  
Wesley realized he must've been working for quite some time seeing that Harmony was now stationed at her desk. Faith stopped briefly there…  
  
"Excuse me," Harmony chimed in as Faith walked towards Angel's office door before talking with her first. "Excuse me, you can't go in there…"   
  
"Yeah I can," Faith answered quickly.   
  
"Do you have an appointment?"   
  
"Wow, Angel's a stuck up business man now, isn't he?"   
  
"You can't go in there without an appointment," Harmony stated again.   
  
"I have one," Faith answered holding a completely straight face.   
  
"Oh really?" Harmony asked, immediately changing her tone. "Well, I'm sorry, you know, sometimes a girl just gets too busy to write things down… Angel gets so mad! I mean, give a girl a break, these nails," she said holding them up for show, "they're high maintenance!"   
  
Faith offered a smile then abruptly walked away from Harmony and into Angel's office. The chick was lucky she didn't just receive a stake to the heart. As she had been walking to go into the office she felt a vamp walking up behind her and she was just about to grab the stake she had on her just under her waist band of her sweat pants.   
  
"And I thought Sunnydale was weird…" she muttered as she walked into Angel's office. He wasn't there, which she thought was odd, but she didn't think too much of it. It was too early for her to have much comprehensive thought – anyone but Angel's bimbo secretary would've called her extremely delayed bluff about having an appointment.   
  
She walked over to Angel's desk and glanced down at the papers that were on it trying to busy her mind on something. Without a seconds hesitation she sat down behind his desk and propped her feet up on the desk. Looking out on the city of Los Angeles was a thrill in itself… it was wicked cool. She leaned back comfortably into the overstuffed leather chair and let herself drift off slightly. She hadn't gotten much sleep that night, obviously by the look of her, because even though she hadn't talked much on the subject with Angel, after he left, not to mention quite upset, there was little else on her mind for the rest of the night. It kind of worried her that the last she had seen of Angel he was that upset and now he wasn't here but she wasn't going to let herself stress about another thing on top of everything else. Obviously he hadn't been outwardly upset in front of her, but she saw right through his strong, broody personality and saw that he was… well, upset!   
  
She hadn't told him everything… it would've taken forever, not to mention that she probably wouldn't have lived through talking through it all. She had only talked enough for Angel to know for sure what had happened before it became obvious that he wanted to leave. He hadn't come in prepared for what was in store for him and the way he was acting made it obvious that he would prefer to learn more information when he was better prepared to handle the details. But it was definitely those details that remained in her mind all night that stole her sleep away from her.   
  
As she sat in the nice leather seat – a seat that reminded her of sitting in a hot muscle car waiting to rip away at over a hundred miles an hour. The sun was shining but she couldn't feel it – probably because of the special glass – but there must've been some artificial heat source that tried to imitate the sun's heat. She stared out the window at the city beneath and at the clouds that rolled by at will. She had been trying to push the details of Xander out of her head all night long, and feeling that since it was daytime with the sun out, she was somehow safe from the pain that the memories might cause, she allowed herself to fade into them as she stared only at the window. She wasn't about to let herself turn into Buffy over this – there was no reason she couldn't remember the awesome parts of it, just cause it 'was wrong'. That wasn't her style and she had lost enough – she wasn't about to put that last ounce of herself on the line.   
  
*She ran her fingertips slowly up and down the crease in the middle of Xander's chest running from his throat down to, well… She was lying on top of him with her head rested partly on his chest and her hair running onto his shoulder. She lazily fondled his chest with her fingertips as a soft way to wake him up. They had spent the entire night together… it had been one of the first times Faith had let herself be completely and totally in love with him and show him all night long. It was during the unfortunately short time between when Faith was allowing him in and before he began to completely shut her out. Each had their own defense mechanisms, but that wasn't what she was concerned with in this daydream.   
  
He showed her that he had woken up by gently running his fingertips up and down her upper arm, which was hooked behind his head lying between the bed and the back of his neck. His touch was so gentle and affected her so much that goose-bumps quickly spread on the surface of her arm, almost before she even realized he was touching her. He felt her smile against his skin then soon after felt her lips caress his skin with soft kisses on his neck. He smiled and grabbed her waist. She lifted her upper-body and looked down into his eyes sharing in his warm smile.   
  
'I could just look at you forever,' he admitted wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her down closer to him.   
  
'Forever?' she asked doubtingly.   
  
'Forever…' he assured her with a smile. 'I wish I could have you that long.' With that she leaned down to him and kissed him deeply running her tongue along his – not in the way she did sometimes – but in a way that was soft and sensual, yielding herself completely to him. She finally lifted her lips away from his – just separating the two by mere centimeters.*   
  
-----  
  
Wesley looked up from his desk again, probably the fifth time in the last, say minute… He couldn't help but let out a boyish giggle as he saw Faith sit down at Angel's desk. She seemed to sit there quite comfortably. He would've gone in and told her Angel was out and had just called in and probably wouldn't be in till tomorrow or the next day, but the scene was too cute to pass up. Watching her was like watching a child playing in their father's office pretending to be like him, except in a far more… Faith, way.   
  
-----  
  
*How they had managed to actually get out of bed that morning was an amazing feat that both of them never thought they were going to be able to accomplish. When one of them actually got up enough enthusiasm to stand up, the other usually used their enthusiasm to kiss the other and therefore thwart any plans they had at moving. But in the end they both prevailed and managed to stumble into the kitchen while still fawning over each other. As they walked they walked together, it was quite a cute sight.   
  
Fairly sure that no one was awake or moving about yet in the house they were comfortable showing their affection for each other outside of the bedroom. Xander had his arms wrapped around Faith's waist tightly as she walked with him holding his arm inside of both of hers. She had never done anything like that with anyone. The fact that she was even actually talking with someone after spending the night together… that was amazing in and of itself! But they were together. Like really together… it was the best feeling she had ever had before. She had someone and she belonged to someone. She had someone who loved her and wanted to take care of her. It was really never something she had before.   
  
They walked into the kitchen and Xander began to pour a cup of coffee. Faith stood next to him with her head resting on his shoulder fairly sure the cup of coffee was going to be for her. It was in the cup that she usually grabbed and he was fixing it like she liked it. She watched him passively as she rested against him. After stirring the mixture together and putting the spoon back in the sink he picked up the mug. Becoming a little more unsure Faith watched him, assuming he would offer her the cup. Jokingly he brought the cup by her lips and then over to his where he sipped at it.   
  
'Hey, that's mine,' she whined.   
  
'No,' he defended playfully as he held the cup out of her reach. 'It's mine…'   
  
Kennedy watched the playful event from the steps and couldn't help the huge smile that spread across her features as she watched the undeniable cuteness that these two had together. They had a deep connection with each other but they were also able to have the cute things too… it was pretty close to amazing for her.   
  
'Fine,' Faith feigned, turning away like she wasn't interested anymore. Xander stepped closer to her to retrieve her good humor and an even bigger smile spread across his face as she quickly spun around and grabbed the cup out of his hands and was running across the kitchen drinking before he could even smile.   
  
'No fair, slayer advantage!' he defended running after her.   
  
'No such thing,' she claimed as she sipped at the coffee mockingly again. She maneuvered her way around the kitchen keeping a table or a chair between her and Xander so that she could have the maximum drinking time with the minimum running time. Both were laughing uncontrollably – it was amazing to Xander that Faith was still able to drink the coffee so quickly while she was laughing like that. Kennedy found it hard not to laugh from her perch where she was watching from, but she forced it with her hand over her mouth wanting to be able to watch them and not get caught.   
  
Xander decided to use the same tactic Faith had and he returned to the counter appearing defeated and filling another cup of coffee. Faith approached him, still very cautiously, knowing there was no way he had just let her win. She walked up to him holding the cup (that was now sufficiently empty) as far behind her as she could pretending it was still something he might want to get from her. She touched his arm delicately with her body and let out a quick whimper as he spun around, grabbing her around her waist and pushing her playfully against the wall. She smiled back at him and held up the empty mug proudly. He leaned his face forward to look down into the mug and instead of looking in it he quickly pushed forward again and kissed her. She kissed him back through a wide smile.   
  
He parted his lips from hers and motioned to back up a step to allow her off of the wall he had pushed her up against. She quickly grabbed his lower back with her hand and held him close to her. A sparkle seemed to rush through her entire body and he needed to kiss her again, and again, and again.   
  
'Don't…' she pleaded as he tried to move away. He smiled brightly back at her,   
  
'You know, we did just spend an entire night together…' he teased. 'You better be careful, some people might start to think you actually have a thing for me…' He motioned carefully for her to look behind her to where he was looking, which she did and she got a quick glance at Kennedy already heading back up the stairs thinking she avoided getting spotted. Faith turned back to Xander with a smile,   
  
'We spent the *whole* night together?' she asked mischievously.   
  
'Yes we did,' he answered proudly.   
  
'That's funny… I already forgot,' she teased as she stepped back slightly leaving just small enough of a gap between them for him to realize how much he never wanted to stop touching her. 'You might just have to remind me again,' she added taking another small step back. He took a large step forward towards her and kissed her again running his hands down the sides of her waist and over her hips. Even he was surprised when Faith skillfully raised her legs under his hands and ended up straddling his waist with him holding her up. She leaned down to him now and kissed him passionately. He held her tightly up against him and squeezed her ass as she rocked herself against him rhythmically pushing her breasts slightly into his face as she did. His breath quickly accelerated and he asked,   
  
'Here?'   
  
'As long as it's now,' she answered in a tone that was almost desperate. As much as she could get him going, he could get her going just as much, which was almost more of an accomplishment.   
  
'Now?' he asked teasingly.   
  
'Yeah,' she whined. She couldn't believe he could still be joking around and even though she was only being held up by him she could barely keep her thoughts straight. She was close to panting as she moved against him slowly and kissed his lips. She teased his lips between hers and then pulled his lower one out with her teeth. Finally releasing it she soothed it by running her tongue over it gently then kissed it softly before again pulling at it.   
  
She didn't even know what he was doing – she even ventured to think that he was just standing there and loving what she was doing but not doing anything himself. She wanted him so badly though that she couldn't move him along, scared she might just melt if she did anything but kiss him.   
  
'Xander,' she panted, now close to complaining that he hadn't done anything to make her less antsy, but as his name left her lips he slid her baggy boxer shorts, or more correctly, his boxer shorts that she was wearing, to the side and slid into her slowly as he held her up with her back leaning against the wall. She almost screamed from pleasure but somehow curbed herself knowing the entire house would immediately be down there either to see if everything was alright or knowing exactly what was going on. It didn't bother her much either way – give the kids a few pointers maybe…   
  
Xander almost lost himself right on contact that time – the feeling of her surprise but extreme pleasure and the fact that this position had been something he had only dreamed about. He was holding her as he loved her – it was definitely a major ego boost for him and she knew it and was getting off on it. He slid slowly in and out of her squeezing her closer to him with each stroke with his hands as he breathed hot air onto her breasts which were just under eye level. She was resting her head next to his and panted in his ear as she muttered sweet nothings as she was completely taken away by what he was doing to her.   
  
The high emotional state both of them were in due to the night before and their fairly new comfort level with all of this, not to mention the thrill of the moment and the fact that anyone could walk in at any moment caused the euphoric love they were making to last for only a short while. As he neared the edge, which Faith was not far from herself, he lifted his face up to look into her shining eyes. Only her strength could be thanked for the following – feeling she was securely in place he lifted his hands away from her hips that were holding her up and placed his hands against the wall on either side of her head. She held herself on him by easily holding herself up by squeezing her thighs around his waist. Now leaning against her and with his hands planted firmly on the wall he stared into her gorgeous face and whispered,   
  
'I love you so much,' then he leaned further forward and kissed her lovingly. She wrapped both arms around his head as she kissed him – it was like everything she had left went into kissing him. As he emptied inside of her she lowered her head and grabbed his earlobe between her teeth and gently nipped at it.   
  
'Oh my god,' Xander gasped quietly.   
  
'Goddess is more like it,' Faith teased as he lowered her back down to her feet. She held his shoulders for stability, taking a moment to regain her footing. She leaned forward and kissed him lovingly as she fixed the appearance of his pants for him, sliding them back where they belonged. As she left his lips she heard footsteps entering the kitchen and she glanced over his shoulder nonchalantly to see Giles and Buffy both entering the kitchen slowly, having noticed the two of them standing suspiciously in the corner.   
  
'Good timing,' Xander praised with a whisper, knowing Faith had pulled his pants up just in time.   
  
'I know,' she answered with a smile before kissing him again.   
  
'Good morning,' Buffy greeted suspiciously.   
  
'Tell me about it,' Faith answered with a smirk as she walked back over to the counter and fixed herself another cup of coffee.*   
  
Faith came back to reality, if that's what people called Wolfram & Hart… she glanced down at the desk again looking for anything interesting that could possibly get her mind off of Xander. It was over – and as much as she tried to just think about the awesome sex they could have, it was so much more than that. She couldn't make herself do what Xander did – she couldn't just pretend it didn't mean anything, because for the first time in her life it actually did. Denying that would just nullify everything she felt and she knew if she did that she would never be able to think about anything being more than just fake.   
  
She did however have a huge conflict battling constantly in her mind. She believed everything Xander said – she didn't lie to him and she'd like to think that he never lied to her. All the times he told her how he felt… if she thought it was all a lie she didn't think there was anyway she could keep on breathing. He may not know how completely she had needed him but she knew it. The way she felt going back to Sunnydale and everything; she felt like a rock that had just been weathered too much and was crumbling from the inside out. He got there just barely before the outside walls began to crack… it's probably why he was able to get in. The way he said he felt about her, the way he made her feel – if she couldn't believe in those words that pulled her out of that hole she was falling into then she might as well be at the bottom of the dark pit. But if she believed him, if everything he said was truth, then she couldn't pretend that when he said it was a lie, he was lying… the thought alone was like someone stabbing her in the heart with a blazing hot knife and twisting it until she screamed; and she wasn't a screamer.   
  
When she screamed it was from everything she had inside of her just ready to explode inside of her. It was a sick, disgusting feeling that just pooled inside of her and dragged her towards a feeling of death. She remembered when she was younger she would scream all the time just to try and block out the world around her. But since she became a slayer the screaming had lessened. She wasn't sure if it was because things had actually gotten better, or more likely that it was the fact that she thought now that she was a Slayer she should be strong enough to deal with everything without needing a release like that. After all there were other ways to find releases now…   
  
With Xander, all of the screams that were pent up inside of her and wouldn't shut up finally silenced, or at least quieted. When he'd touch her it just settled everything to a distant place inside and it eased all of her tensions. She trusted him and he actually trusted her too.   
  
Trust… that was food for thought! As of right now she could count the people in the world who she trusted on one hand… with about four fingers missing. Oh well, she sighed, trying to convince herself it didn't hurt her as much as it did. Angel liked to stand alone… now he got to even figuratively. But while on the subject, where the hell was he?   
  
She shrugged it off and decided to think about the term 'trust'. It was far less complicated of a subject than Angel was. She was bored and desperate to find something else to occupy her mind with so she slid her chair back a few inches and slid the desk drawer open. There were stacks of paper neatly placed in the drawer. She pulled out a sheet of paper and practically choked at the letterhead. 'Angel, CEO; Wolfram & Hart.'   
  
"What a dork," she muttered with a giggle. She rummaged through the other drawer and found a pen. The laughing went on as she saw the same phrase engraved into the pen. Continuing to smile at herself she wrote on the page playfully, 'Faith rocks my world,' in huge, graffiti lettering. Doing so reminded her of her school years… it was about all she learned in school that she remembered. She hated thinking about school because without fail it always reminded her of her mother… As much as she tried to not think about it as she stared at the elaborately decorated sheet of paper she faded into another daydream.   
  
*The two of them were sent to their room, so to speak by Giles and Buffy because of the suspicion the two had raised about what had occurred in the kitchen before their arrival. When Buffy came up with the punishment, Dawn was sure to chime in that she didn't think that was a very effective punishment…   
  
'I've always wanted to be sent to my room!' Faith joked excitedly as they entered her bedroom. She jumped onto the bed energetically, 'I really don't think it's ever happened to me before…'   
  
'Really? I practically lived in my room… usually it was by choice, but, whenever I'd go out of it I'd only get sent back,' Xander joked back.   
  
'I mean, I would always see parents on t.v. sending their kid to their room and I kind of wanted to be sent to my room, just cause, you know?'   
  
'Your mom wasn't into that?' Xander asked surprised – he thought all parents got off on punishing their kids.   
  
'Guess it might've helped if I had a room, but…' she continued to joke, 'I always said it, if anyone loves to argue and fight, it's me, but even more than I loved it, my mom completely lived for it. The bitch could out scream and curse anyone,' she added with a forced laugh. 'She could fucking smack me around, too. I'd usually leave before she could figure out something to punish me with, I guess…'   
  
Xander lost the playful look on his face and became concerned with Faith and her past as he often did. His respect for what she had tolerated could only be as substantial as it was because he understood that world. His family was far from the Brady's – granted he never tried to compare it with Faith's life, but between the drinking and screaming, he could understand the feelings a kid growing up would have. Having one place that should be your relief from the evils of the world, one place that was your sanctuary from it all, and having that peaceful place be filled with angry drunks and screaming and hitting and cursing… he understood the feeling someone gets when that's what their sanctuary is like.   
  
She looked up from her pack of cigarettes that she had been rummaging through. Funny, he thought, how she starts to talk about her mother and suddenly she needs a nicotine fix yet she firmly claims she doesn't care about her and it was no big deal. He understood why she acted like it didn't matter, but being the only person who did see it and knew that it mattered, it put even more weight on his shoulders because he knew it even more than she did.   
  
'I'm sorry,' Xander said almost in a whisper.   
  
'Don't get like this,' she answered crawling over to him on the bed, which he was sitting on the edge of. She put her hands on both sides of his face and made him look straight at her, 'it doesn't matter, there's nothing to get all bothered over…'   
  
'There is though,' he answered pulling one of her hands down off of his face. 'There's a lot to get 'bothered over', Faith.'   
  
'Look at me,' she demanded firmly as she swung her leg around him and positioned herself on his lap facing him with her knees on the bed on the outside of both of his legs. She put both hands back on his face and lowered her own face so it was right against his with their foreheads almost touching and their noses just barely grazing each other. 'It only matters if you make it matter…'   
  
'Faith,' he answered in a frustrated tone dropping his hands away from her and leaving them at his sides. This was a topic they came across more often then either of them wanted to, but Xander understood it came up so often because it was such a big problem for Faith and one that she didn't even want to tap into.   
  
'Oh stop,' she scolded pushing his face so he had to look straight at her again. She grabbed his hands and pulled them up, 'hold me,' she demanded playfully – a slight smile playing on the corners of her mouth, which was trying so hard to stay stern. He dropped his hands back down to the bed as soon as she let them go. 'Put them around me,' she scolded as she grabbed them up again and pushed them around her. 'Stop it!' she scolded again as he dropped his hands limply by his sides yet again. Xander's expression was that of blankness and slight irritation that she was so closed to even the idea that this was bothering her. 'You don't want me anymore?' she asked only slightly kidding. Unfortunately it made more sense to her that he was bored of her playing around and just wanted her to go away. She motioned to get up but he quickly picked up his previously limp arms and grabbed her waist.   
  
'I never said that.' He held her on top of his lap and looked up at her.   
  
'You don't have to say it,' she muttered almost childishly now dropping her hands at her sides.   
  
'Faith…' He moved his head to the side searching for her eyes. He finally was able to gain eye contact with her after only a few moments of fighting for her gaze.   
  
'Why do you have to make such a big deal out of this every time?' she asked quietly. Her tone made it obvious that she had been thinking over the subject in her head and when it came to her childhood, and more directly, her mother, thinking was all that was needed to make her a little distressed.  
  
'Because it upsets me,' he answered candidly, matching her tone as he put his hands around her waist as she had been trying to get him to before.   
  
'It's not a big deal,' she answered trying to shrug it off again.   
  
'It's a very big deal to me. To know that you hated your childhood; to know that you weren't even happy when you were younger… that kills me to hear that. It kills me to hear that the best compliment you give your mother is that she could hit you better than anyone! Just to think how unhappy you were…'   
  
'You want to know something?' she asked touching her forehead to his.   
  
'Yeah,' he answered looking deeply into her dark eyes.   
  
'You make me happy.'   
  
The sincerity of her tone and the glisten that went through her eyes and face was enough to bring tears to both of their eyes. She was even embarrassed by being so upfront with him and seeing the way he looked at her that she looked down and held her lower lip in her teeth anxiously. He brought his hand up to her chin and gently pushed her face up so she would look at him. He leaned into her and kissed her lips tenderly while securely holding her face. She leaned forward against him as they kissed pushing him back enough to make him fall into a horizontal position on the bed with her straddling him.   
  
She kissed him amorously for several long minutes before he held her hip and rolled her over so he now hovered above her. She bent her knee and held him close to her with her leg against his side. He kissed her gently and then whispered to her,   
  
'I love you… you know that, right?' She nodded softly and answered,  
  
'I love you too." He lowered himself all the way down to her and kissed her lovingly as soon as she finished speaking those words.*   
  
"Faith? Faith… Yo, Faith," Gunn called cautiously, concerned by her obliviousness. He was always told a Slayer had extremely heightened senses, but here he was calling her where any normal person would've heard him walk into the room! She finally jumped in response,   
  
"Yeah… sorry, hi."   
  
"Are you alright?" he asked walking towards her more quickly seeing tears streaming her cheeks.   
  
"I'm fine," she answered nonchalantly assuming everything was fine.   
  
"Then why are you crying?" he asked directly. She was filled with confusion but quickly recovered herself and answered,   
  
"Oh, umm… my eyes have been watering all day… I must be allergic to something in here," she said as she wiped her face with her hand. Gunn decided it would probably be safer to just let it go.   
  
"Have you seen Angel around?"   
  
"No… I was just waiting for him to show up."   
  
"Well, if he comes in, tell him I'm looking for him."   
  
"Alright," she answered forcing a smile. He smiled in return,   
  
"I'll see you later… maybe we can go grab some lunch or something."   
  
"Sure."   
  
"Okay," he answered then walked out of the office.   
  
She turned the chair so she was looking towards the window again rebuking herself unmercifully in her head for crying! What was this shit? She didn't cry over – hold up, she didn't cry period! She'd had enough of this crap… she kicked the desk with her foot before propping it back up on top of it to sit comfortably in the chair.   
  
------  
  
"Yo, Wes," Gunn greeted walking into his office, "what's up?"   
  
"Hello," Wesley greeted looking up from his papers again.   
  
"Is everything alright with her?" he asked motioning towards Angel's office.   
  
"As far as I know…"   
  
"You know where Angel is?"   
  
"He's out of town taking care of some things… he should be back in a few days."   
  
"I didn't know he was leaving. It's not like him to just run out like that…"   
  
"It sounded like something that might have to do with…" he trailed off as he spoke looking clearly over at Faith across the hallway. Gunn connected quickly with what he was saying and added,   
  
"Yeah, umm… you might want to go spend some time in there. She seemed like… well, I don't know her as well as you do, but, she seemed like some Wesley time might be in order… get my drift?"   
  
"Yes, quite," he answered looking over towards Faith in the office. She was now sitting in the chair and swiveling it back and forth playfully. With a tap on the desk Gunn left the office and hurried about his usual work. He had a few hearings later that afternoon, all lined up confidently in a row, and a few new clients to speak with just before lunch. And now for lunch he had a nice girl to take out who he could talk old-school with. She'd be able to share battle stories and fighting strategies with him – it was what he really missed.   
  
------  
  
"Having fun?" Wesley asked as he walked into Angel's office. Faith looked over from the desk,   
  
"You know me," she assured him.   
  
"I really do doubt that," he answered with a smile taking a seat across the desk from her. She shrugged,   
  
"I'm not as interesting as I might like people to think."   
  
"Being a Slayer I somehow doubt that also."   
  
"Yeah, but it's not exactly something you can throw at someone over dinner. You know when you run out of stupid things to talk about. 'Hey, FYI, I'm a Vampire Slayer. How bout you, slay any demons lately?' Doesn't really flow in conversation…" Wesley couldn't help but laugh at her sense of humor.   
  
"I can see that not fitting into your conversations…"   
  
"See that's why I always used to just tell B, there's no sense in trying to get to know a guy, just have 'em and get gone, you know. No sense in trying to date and get to know each other… all we have is slaying and if we tried to talk about other shit they're just going to think we're bimbo's anyhow cause we don't know about other shit. So why bother with the pleasantry bullshit? Want, take, have, move on and forget about it… it's the way we should be."   
  
"I can certainly see Buffy having opposition to that frame of mind. She seems to really enjoy getting to know someone before-"   
  
"Don't let B fool you, she's as horny as the next person."   
  
"Yes, quite," Wesley answered slightly shocked by the information just placed in front of him.   
  
"Sorry, I'll shut up now."   
  
"No, it's fine… I just didn't realize you were talking of dating in particular when you were talking about… well, talking. That's a few too many 'talking's for one phrase, don't you think?"   
  
"I followed you," she answered with a smile.   
  
"Sorry if I didn't follow you on the dating thing," he apologized not realizing how he was pushing the subject that Faith hadn't even realized she had brought up all by herself. "Not a topic I've ever heard you talk about," Wesley added noting that indeed it was a topic often avoided by her and here she was giving him an opportunity for… perhaps bonding.   
  
"Not something I'm really interested in," she answered shortly.   
  
"I believe the ancient history of demonic activity in England was a particular subject in which you weren't interested in," he joked, "men never seemed to quite be in that category when mentioned around you." Faith had to laugh remembering Wesley trying to cram that shit into her head at one point or another.   
  
"I'm starting to think the whole lot of you guys are just garbage," she joked.   
  
"Well that's certainly a different tone than I remember."   
  
"You mean from the promiscuous teenager? Don't get me wrong, I'm still way addicted to dic-" she stopped herself barely in time to spare him another crude phrase and smiled innocently, "sex, I mean sex… if that makes it any better sounding."   
  
"Yes, it certainly does," he answered firmly trying to not let his mind be clouded any further. He wanted to talk to her and it was comforting that she wished to talk so informally with him, but it was just something that would take a bit of adjustment. She had always rambled on and on about her untraditional behaviors with men whenever he'd help her train and such, but he had assumed it was just a topic she endorsed purely for his discomfort and displeasure. His suspicions hadn't been completely wrong, but he hadn't taken into account that it was a topic which she loved to talk about also.   
  
"Sorry."   
  
"It's quite alright," he answered with a forgiving nod.   
  
"Wes… can I tell you something?" Her tone was telling that she was thinking about their past together as well. She couldn't believe Wesley would even be in the same room with her, not to mention all alone.   
  
"If it's not an apology, then certainly."   
  
"And what if it is?"   
  
"Then I must decline."   
  
"Is it because you don't accept it?"   
  
"Certainly not," he answered honestly. "It's because your actions will speak louder than any words you could ever come up with. And I must admit, right now I'm very proud of you…"   
  
"Okay, can we not do that?"   
  
"What?" he asked very confused. He had actually tried to have the Proud Watcher tone and-  
  
"Don't get all Proud Watcher on me, Wes. I'm just on the brink of fucking up again and I don't need to think of you being disappointed if-"   
  
"What are you talking about, Faith?" His tone changed immediately as did his expression.   
  
"Nothing… my heads just swimming – kind of blown out, you know?" She covered quickly, although not that well. Wesley offered a slight nod to ease her anxiety, an emotion that was quickly becoming obvious by her façade.   
  
"Well, I've got some work to get to so I'll let you-" he began standing from his chair and motioning to leave.   
  
"Wes," she finally said in a questioning tone as he rose from his chair.   
  
"Yeah," he asked looking back at her.   
  
"Random question, that's all…" He urged her on with a smile, "do you think that, umm… anyone could tolerate me… you know, on like a long term kind of bases?" It took a moment for Wesley to pick apart what she had asked him – her tone and broken phrases making it more difficult.   
  
"What exactly do you mean?"   
  
"Just in general… I told you it was random. Just, you know, do you think it's possible for someone to put up with me?"   
  
"I certainly don't see why not!" he answered emphatically. "I think there are countless people who… Faith, why do you think that?" he asked realizing he was practically stumbling over his words he was so taken aback by her insecurity.   
  
"I don't know," she quickly answered, "I just don't really have that much to offer… I mean, Wes, I'm an escaped con who was in for life for manslaughter. It's not exactly the bio someone looks for when looking for someone to settle down with," she added trying to add as much levity to her tone as she could muster.   
  
"Why-"   
  
"I was just wondering… told you it was random."   
  
"Right," he answered with a pensive nod. "Alright, I'll be in my office if you need anything."   
  
"Thanks."   
  
*'I just don't know how you deal with me…' she said standing by the window flicking the cigarette ashes outside.   
  
'You are a huge pain in the ass, sometimes,' Xander joked walking away from the window and sitting back on the edge of the bed.   
  
'Thanks,' she answered sharply. The straight face she had actually managed to hold finally broke and a wide smile spread across her face.   
  
'I'm serious,' Xander added still holding his straight face. 'You're just impossible…' She laughed at him and finished with her cigarette she tossed it out the window.   
  
'If I'm anything, I'm a complete mess,' she added walking towards him motioning towards her clothes. She still hadn't changed out of the pajama's she had slept in – a pair of his boxers rolled around the waist to make them fit and a small, white, ribbed, underwear tank. She walked over to the chair with all of their clothes strewn on top of it and unrolled the boxers letting them fall to the floor as she looked for a pair of pants to wear.   
  
Xander's jaw instantaneously dropped seeing her standing there in a small shirt and black panties. Yeah, he'd been with her a while and he should be over the shock factor of seeing her half naked, especially when he'd seen her completely naked, but this wasn't shock, it was complete worship!   
  
'Hey,' he called over to her. She turned to look at him still unsuccessful at finding pants, 'come here.' She walked over to him and stood in front of him with a smile on her face. He flashed a devilish grin at her then lifted her shirt up just enough for him to kiss her stomach.   
  
'What are you doing?' she asked playfully. He continued to kiss her stomach slowly moving down until he reached the fabric of her panties, then moved upward. He raised her shirt slowly as he slowly kissed higher and higher until it reached just under her breasts. He stopped and looked up at her. She smiled and lowered her head and kissed his lips tenderly. He kissed her back as softly as either of them could and slid his hands just as delicately over her hips and onto her ass.   
  
He suddenly grabbed her firmly and pulled her closer to him and looked into her dazzling eyes. She smiled devilishly down at him and grabbed her lower lip in between her teeth in a way that challenged, 'I dare you', which he gladly accepted. He quickly pulled her on top of him on the bed then rolled her over so he hovered proudly above her. He was so cute she couldn't help but giggle at him. He grabbed her wrists and pushed them over her head onto the bed then immediately loosened his grip on them. He was playful, he wasn't vicious. She happily complied with a sweet smile on her lips.   
  
'Passive much?' he asked with surprise.   
  
'Only for you,' she answered honestly. She would lie there for him all day long. He looked down at her looking deeply into her eyes and she added, 'you know, I'd let you do anything to me.'   
  
'Why is that?' he asked picking up one hand and running a finger over her left eyebrow to smooth it down.   
  
'I know you wouldn't hurt me,' she answered plainly not needing to think about it at all.   
  
'So you trust me," he stated with a wide smile spreading over his face.   
  
'Oh, so that's what the feeling is,' she answered matching his smile. 'I wouldn't know.'   
  
'Now you do.' He was so happy he was surprised he wasn't giggling. She trusted him – that was an accomplishment to be proud of and he intended to be! Trust – that was a big deal in general, but when it came to Faith it was monumental.   
  
'It feels good,' she answered openly. He smoothed down her eyebrow again just liking the way it felt and seeing that she did too. As he did she raised one of her hands to his cheek and pulled him softly down for another kiss.   
  
The both shed the clothing they were still wearing and indulged each other in all of the things both of them had discovered 'feels good'.   
  
Even though they had both built each others stamina – Faith from experience and indulgence and Xander from familiarity and fortitude. Faith had lost a lot of her staying power during her long intermission and Xander was happy to rise to the occasion, no pun intended…*  
  
Faith snapped out of yet another day dream pulled away by the sound of someone loudly clearing their throat. She looked up and saw Eve approaching her.   
  
"What do you want now?" she asked sitting back confidently in the chair and propping her feet back up on the desk.   
  
"I was just given word that someone was in Angel's office and, well, I knew it certainly wasn't Angel, so…"   
  
"Why was it, certainly not Angel," Faith mocked.   
  
"He didn't tell you?" Eve asked seemingly innocently but it was all part of the way she figured out how to push Faith's buttons.   
  
"What the hell are you talking about?"   
  
"He left… he's not going to be back… I hope you weren't in here waiting for him." Faith was ready to rip that smile right off her face.   
  
"Where'd he go, if you're so smart?" Eve leaned her head slightly to the side and looked out of the office door over to Wesley's office and then returned to looking over at Faith.   
  
"I'm not as smart as most of the people here…" she said with a planned smile. "But, sweetie, he left last night… I thought you would be the first to know when he left. I thought you two were close that way… actually, why didn't you go with him?"   
  
"Can you shut up?" Faith finally spat cutting off her stream of questions that were now more than blatantly just trying to piss her off.   
  
"I just figured he would take you with him… you know, especially for an overnight trip."   
  
"Can I ask you a question? Actually, two…" Faith took her silence as an admission and continued, "you've read my file haven't you?"   
  
"Yes," Eve answered proudly. "It was actually very detailed – from childhood to present day…"   
  
"Okay," Faith agreed not letting her get the upper hand even though she knew things that even Xander didn't… uhh, why did he have to pop into her head all of the time? "Second question," she said now standing up from Angel's chair and walking around the desk so she stood in front of Eve, "do you like your face?" She asked the question steadily but her body language and stance made the threat just as blatant as Eve's previous comments. Eve took a step backward away from Faith trying to remain composed,   
  
Without another word but not without a few more spiteful glares, Eve turned and exited the office. Faith stood there in front of the desk for another minute staring at the empty door way. *The feeling seemed to expand and everything around her blurred into a scene that looked like the head quarters up north. It felt like Buffy was the one who had just walked out of the room. She stood there still well aware she was inside of Wolfram & Hart, but she let herself slightly believe she wasn't as she felt Xander walking up behind her and put his hands on her waist.   
  
'Don't let her get to you…' the soft and kind words of advice were followed by a soft kiss on her shoulder and then he wrapped his arms around her waist.*   
  
Faith shook off the semi-day dream and walked out of the office and into Wesley's. He was on the phone and she motioned to him that he should hang it up.   
  
"Ma'am, something's come up… could I call you back momentarily… ma'am… please can I…" the woman was the wife of one of their client that loved to talk the employee's of Wolfram & Hart's ears off. And if you refused to give her your time, her husband very well would literally talk your ear off… "Ma'am, I understand your situation and I'll do everything in my power to-"   
  
Faith grabbed the receiver out of Wesley's hand and slammed it down into the cradle.   
  
"What are you doing?" Wesley yelled more out of fear than anger.   
  
"Where's Angel?"   
  
"I…"   
  
"Wesley, treat me like I'm dumb whenever you want, but don't you dare try and treat me like I'm fucking stupid."   
  
"Faith, calm down, please… there's no reason to get upset over-"  
  
"Did he go to Slayer Headquarters?" she interjected.   
  
"Yes," Wes answered, knowing lying to Faith would only exacerbate the situation further. She immediately turned away from him with a clearly distressed/ furious look on her face. "Faith, it's no reason to get angry…"   
  
"Whatever," she answered heading towards the door.   
  
"Faith, I told you what I know. Now you have to fill me in on what you know – why's he there?"   
  
"Since when do I play fair, Wes?" she asked with a disconcerting blankness.   
  
"Faith, he told me he'd be back by tonight… he also asked me to ask you to please stick around…"   
  
"So everyone assumes I'm always going to split, huh?"   
  
"Faith, no… I just…"   
  
"Save it, Wes," she answered. She walked out of the office and out of his sight range from his desk. He glanced up at the clock and was amazed that in a few hours such a drastic change in her personality had occurred. Even when she was stable, the girl had mood swings! Wesley was so confused though – what was it that was going on that was making Angel acted borderline irrational, running to Slayer Headquarters in the middle of the night and not telling anyone and Faith, who was swinging from exhausted and worn out to furious and lively.   
  
-----------  
  
Kennedy walked in through the garage with Willow close behind her. Both of them had just come back from running some errands in town and she had a chance to stop and get some pictures developed. She had flipped through the pack of pictures in the car and decided that a couple of the doubles should go straight into Xander's hands. She walked through the hallway heading for Faith's room – it hadn't gone un-noticed by her that that was where he was spending most of his time. She glanced into the kitchen checking if he was in there and then she glanced into the livingroom finding her mark.   
  
Without a word she walked into the room and dropped a small stack of pictures into his lap. He looked up at her with a confused look then back down at the pictures. The one standing a the top of the stack was a picture of Faith and him on this same couch he was now sitting on. Faith was lying on her back with her head rested on the arm rest with her eyes closed gently and he was lying on top of her between her legs. His head was resting on her chest as he lied stomach down with his arms wrapped around her body. After glancing down at the picture he quickly picked his eyes back up to Kennedy,   
  
"What the hell are these?" She shrugged and answered,   
  
"Just thought you might want them…" She turned away and walked out of the room.   
  
- - - - - - -   
  
After going through the pictures Xander quickly stood up and walked back to their bedroom. He sat down on the bed and no matter what he did he couldn't stop looking at all of the pictures. What was amazing is he never saw Kennedy ever take any pictures. All of them seemed to capture moments of the two of them together that made him crumble. He even found himself wiping small drops of tears off of the pictures not wanting to damage them in any way. He felt like he could just look at them for the rest of his life. There was nothing else going through his head right now – all he could do is look at them and be dragged into the memory they captivated. He wiped another tear from the photo then used his sleeve to try and wipe away the fingerprints.   
  
"Xander."   
  
He spun around quickly on the bed and looked over at Angel's large figure standing in the doorway.   
  
"Angel…" 


	20. Part XX

Adjustment – Part XX  
  
Angel stood silently in the doorframe for several moments just looking idly at his surroundings. Even though there was a minimum of things in the room that belonged to Faith it still had a sense of being her room. It just seemed like somewhere she had been and where she had lived. Angel made a mental note that that sense of her presence was probably why Xander was in here now and why it seemed like he tried to never leave.   
  
"What do you want?" Xander asked standing from the bed and placing the pictures carefully on the edge of the table that the television set stood. Angel ignored the question and continued looking nonchalantly around him. He walked around the room slowly – his silence causing Xander to become a combination of irritated and anxious. "What's going on? Faith came to you… is everything okay? Is she okay?" He began to ask his questions more quickly as the idea that something happened to Faith entered his mind. Seeing her in the pictures had made him feel like she was that much closer to him and now the thought that she might have been ripped away tormented him. He pushed her away needing desperately to avoid that feeling of loss and he was slowly realizing that this torment he was currently going through – this constant longing and ache for her – might just match the feeling he was trying to avoid. He wanted to disconnect himself from her and all of the emotions she instilled within him – but he couldn't shake the effect she made on him. Seeing the change in himself, and more so, the change in her during their time together was something he couldn't ignore.   
  
He knew Faith in her darkest time and he had been the reason for the happiest moments of her life. He had been one of the first victims of her rage after the beginning of her downward spiral and he was one of the first to bring her out of it. He had looked deeply into her eyes and into her soul when she hovered above him choking the life out of him as well as when she hovered above him whispering to him how much she needed and loved him. He had seen her soul overtaken by evil and anger and then slowly emancipated into a glowing love. And what killed him was that that radiating feeling of love was just for him. That emotion that had changed her entirely was something he had instilled within her. But the emotion he instilled in her was ripped away by him while he still had the ability to live in a world she had given him.   
  
Angel walked slowly around the room just trying to collect his thoughts while maintaining his composure. He had just bridled all of the emotions within him that had taken flight inside of him as soon as Faith had began telling him why she was so destroyed but then he glanced down at the pictures on the table. The slow pace he had maintained walking around the room for several minutes came to a sudden halt completely rapt by the emotions captured in the picture.   
  
Xander clearly protested immediately walking back over to the table taking a defensive posture. Angel ignored him and picked up the small stack of pictures and began looking at them. The first was the one that grabbed his attention – it was the same picture that grabbed Xander of both of them sleeping together so contently on the couch wrapped in each other's arms. The pictures captivated many amazing moments between the two – each picture never failing to capture the intense love between them. Even in the pictures, the happiness felt by Faith was so obvious it was almost painful to look at. Some of the other pictures were situations such as one of both of them in the kitchen – Xander sitting at the table and Faith standing behind him bending down and hugging him from behind and leaning her head against the side of his. The next picture was taken just moments after that one when Xander turned his head more towards her and the two kissed each other lovingly with Faith still hugging him.   
  
Angel continued to flip through the pictures in silence. The next was the two of them sitting on the couch watching a football game. The television screen was in the picture and the green field and the heavily padded blobs made it obvious. Xander was sitting regularly on the couch with his feet on the floor and Faith was sitting sideways with her feet on the couch and her knees bent above Xander's. She was sitting next to him with her legs going over his and her head leaning on his chest with his arms wrapped around her. Flipping to another picture was almost painful for Angel – the pictures just did too good of a job of showing the relationship and what a tragedy the current situation was.   
  
The next picture was in the kitchen again with Xander sitting in a chair and Faith was sitting on his lap facing the opposite direction so she was face to face with him. She was holding a small piece of candy – one Angel assumed to be an M&M or a Skittle – and she was delicately putting it in his mouth. The smiles spread across both of their faces were brilliant and amazing. The next picture was Faith sitting on top of the counter and Xander standing directly in front of her. Her feet hung by either of his hips and her arms laid limply down his chest. The picture might not have been quite as moving as the rest if within the picture you couldn't see that there were clearly a slew of other people in the kitchen. Angel flipped to the next picture and it revealed the first sleeping one.   
  
"Can I just ask you question?" Angel finally asked – the tone of his voice made it obvious that he was struggling to maintain his composure. He took his silence as admission and Angel asked, "are you stupid or are you just fucking retarded!?"   
  
"Whoa," Xander warned.   
  
"Are you? I'm not kidding, it's a serious question," Angel yelled. "Did you look at these? Hell, you don't even have to have seen these – you lived them! How did you just throw this away?" Angel stopped himself and took a deep breath trying to regain his control.   
  
"Is this why you came here? Did you come here to punish me for what I did?"   
  
"Unfortunately, no. People are punished for crimes… murder, for example, but people who just destroy people they claim to love and leave them to die, no, those people don't get punished at all."   
  
"Yeah, gee, I'm just loving this– everyone just assumes that I'm not upset about this at all…"   
  
"Xander, I'll give you the same advice I gave Faith a few years ago – first off, if you want sympathy or at least some respectful response, leave off the gee. You might want to drop the attitude too – the defensiveness doesn't work. I would think you'd know that first hand by now," Angel held up the pictures, "seems like you've had some first hand experience with people who use that method… seems like you got around it and she learned something."   
  
"Yeah," Xander muttered in a tone that showed he definitely heard what Angel was trying to say.   
  
"Unfortunately, though, anything she might have learned she's going to automatically discard.  
  
"Angel, what was your point in coming all the way out here anyway?"   
  
"The whole way over here I was actually trying to figure that out… the look on Faith's face when I mentioned your name fuzzed my spine. Seeing how incredibly devastated she is, I guess… well, I figured the only way I would be able to have any compassion towards your side of the story would be to hear it face to face. I wanted to give you that opportunity."   
  
"You know, you've got a real attitude, Angel. What makes you think I care what you think-"  
  
"Xander, I'm the one who has to look at that girl cry over you. Unless you want me asking her what the hell she was thinking, I suggest you start pleading your case."   
  
"Is she okay?" Angel thought through the question wanting to give an honest answer and not just a run of the mill generic one.   
  
"To be honest, no. She's going through a lot right now and she doesn't really know how to handle it. And truth be told, either do I… I don't know the whole story so I'm not really any help yet. Hence me being here instead of there."   
  
"You're here, and definitely not there… what's up?" Buffy asked walking into the room.   
  
"Buffy," he greeted. "How are you?"   
  
"A little irritated that you came to my house and didn't even say hi to me yet," she answered.   
  
"Sorry, I just came to talk to Xander… I mean, I didn't see you, and umm…"  
  
"Smooth," Xander mocked. "You could just say you're here about Faith not about her…"  
  
"Figures," Buffy answered, anger rushing through her features immediately. "Should've figured that one out as soon as I found you in here with Xander before you even mentioned me and-"   
  
"Buffy, I didn't mean to upset you, I just-"  
  
"Sure, you didn't mean to upset me because you didn't even think I existed! Why is it that you're always so-"  
  
"Do you want to go for a walk? Why don't we go see everyone, then go for a walk. A short one…" He glanced down at his watch then added, "Xander, I'll come back in to see you before I go," he added as he walked out of the door with Buffy.   
  
"Can't wait," he muttered under his breath. The last thing he needed was Angel chaffing his ass on top of everyone else. No one understood… the person that understood the most out of all of them was Faith! He wasn't sure if that was the way it should be or not. He sat back down on the bed trying to sort through his thoughts and all that he could muster were some memories. The first of which was a typical asshole day of his that looking back on it now pissed him off to no end! It was one of the more eventful asshole days when Faith had really opened up to him and he had really started to shut down and close her out.   
  
************(flash-back until denoted by this line)****************  
  
Faith woke up to the alarm blaring with this obnoxious beeping sound. She turned it off completely unaware of why it was set in the first place. She assumed one of them must've just hit a button that set it instead of the radio button or something. She looked over at the time reading seven o'clock and groaned rolling back over to Xander. He had been a jerk the night before not being affectionate in any sense of the word and whenever she touch him or lean on him he'd roll over away from her touch. He'd been going through a tough couple of days and she figured it was just the effects of whatever it was that was making him so irritable. We all have our bad days… his just happened to come consecutively.   
  
He was still asleep, undisturbed by the noisy alarm, but he still had his back turned to her. Using the alarm as sort of a test she could tell he was definitely asleep so there was a very small chance he would resist holding her now. She grinned to herself, ignoring the aching feeling inside of her that this was the only way she could really be close to him right now. She moved over on the bed and pressed her body softly against his draping her arms around him. He was out cold and didn't budge.   
  
---------  
  
"I can't believe you just turned it off!"   
  
"How many times do you want me to say I'm sorry?"   
  
"I completely missed my entire interview… do you have any idea how bad that looks?"  
  
"If you had told me anything about a job interview, I would've woken you up, but you didn't even mention it to me."   
  
"Usually if an alarm goes off it's for a reason, Faith."   
  
"I didn't want to wake you up if I had just pressed a button by accident during the day or something… next time I'll just wake you up and not think about you."   
  
"If you were thinking about me then you would've woken me up!"   
  
"If you ever were thinking about me anymore you would've thought to mention to me that you were looking for a job! Granted I'm not as experienced as you are in the whole relationship thing but I'd think that you getting a job is something that should be mentioned! The only reason I can see you not mentioning it is because the only reason you're getting it is so you can get away from me for a few more hours a day."   
  
"That's not true."   
  
"It sure seems like it is."  
  
"Faith, stop it," he answered, his tone falling out of argumentative and into more of a soothing sound. "Why are you being like this?"   
  
"How do you want me to be? You wake up yelling at me, you don't talk to me all day and you won't touch me when we go to sleep. What am I supposed to act like?"   
  
  
  
He felt like a complete ass. He knew he wasn't treating her nicely or fair in any way. They had gone from him trying to get her to trust him and just when things were really good he freaked out. It was the only way he could find any logic in it. When things got good they were better then anything he'd ever felt before – even with Anya. And feeling like he was surpassing what he had with Anya, he freaked out. Nothing was allowed to be better than that, right? And instead of having the courage to have things better he chose the messed up brain path – he made it worse. He unintentionally made her feel like she had done something wrong when really it was just his way of shutting down and freaking out on unfamiliar ground. Who was he to do that – all of this was unfamiliar ground for her and she wasn't subjecting him to this bullshit! What right did he have? He began to really hate himself for what he was turning into for her and it was what led him to finally picking his decision to end it. Things with her were so amazing – when everything was right it was above and beyond what he could've ever hoped for with Anya and it scared him. If losing Anya felt the way it did – what would it feel like to lose this? Psychologically that's probably why he made things worse between them before ending it to convince himself that it wouldn't hurt as much to lose her. The brain is a funny funny thing.   
  
  
  
She left the room after getting dressed and returned with two cups of coffee and a movie container. She placed her coffee down on top of the television and brought his over to him on the bed. She sat down right in front of him on the bed and handed it to him. He took it,   
  
"Thanks."   
  
"I picked up a really good movie yesterday. Maybe we could watch it later," she added with a smile. Lately she had been trying anything to spend time with him – a movie would be perfect, there would be no chance for fighting or anything.   
  
"What movie?"   
  
"'Soul Survivors', it's pretty cool."   
  
"Sounds like a sappy love story."   
  
"Not really," she commented, "it's got a love story baseline but that's not really what it's all about… there's a lot more to it."   
  
"Sounds like you really like it," he added with a smile. She nodded and returned the smile,   
  
"Yeah, it's pretty wicked. So we'll watch it tonight?" He nodded,   
  
"Yeah." She leaned over towards him on the bed and kissed him softly. He hesitated and she immediately pulled back searching his eyes for some sort of explanation.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Nothing," he answered. He leaned towards her and placed a soft kiss on her cheek – it was soft and somewhat affectionate but very quick. As soon as his lips touched her they were already retreating. She forced a smile even though everything inside of her hurt – she felt like he was disgusted to even touch her with the way he was acting.   
  
--------  
  
"Alright, let's go," Faith called over to Xander in the kitchen.   
  
"Wait, where are we going?"   
  
"Everyone wants sandwiches from the deli – I offered to go get them…"  
  
"Yeah," he answered almost blankly.   
  
"Figured you might want to come with me…" she clarified, quickly becoming uncomfortable with the situation since everyone was standing around them in the kitchen. "You're tired… that's fine, I'll be back in a few minutes," she covered. Xander was almost relieved that she covered for him until he met eyes with Giles and saw that the cover hadn't worked on everyone and Giles was furious. Faith had already grabbed the keys and started walking towards the door to the kitchen when he finally added,   
  
"I'll go grab my coat."  
  
"Okay," she answered, "I'll wait for you in the car." The tone of her voice was gut-wrenching. It left Giles speechless but not quite glare-less. He had sensed the change in Xander's attitude and he understood the psychology behind it. It was a complete insecurity issue and unfortunately Faith was the one who suffered from it. He still knew how good they were for each other but if this sort of thing kept occurring he was beginning to get doubts.   
  
------  
  
"So are those two last sandwiches to stay or to go?" The woman behind the deli counter asked kindly. She loved seeing these two kids together – it reminded her of when she was young. Her husband was working behind the counter with her, it was a family business they had taken on from his father. Looking at the young woman amazed her – she was so beautiful and strong looking but very down to earth and the young man had presence and an unusual sense of confidence. She liked them as soon as they walked through the door, but she had also sensed the tension between the two of them. She happened to be looking out the deli's window when they had gotten out of their truck. The girl got out of the passenger side before the boy was out and she waited happily for him on the sidewalk but when he got out of the car he didn't even glance up at her really, he just started walking and she followed. The two had great chemistry together – she had seen them together for about a five minutes and she could tell, but she could also tell they were going through a rough him. In response to her question the two of them answered simultaneously,   
  
"To stay."   
  
"To go," Xander stated. He turned to Faith wondering why she wanted to stay, "why would we stay?"   
  
"I don't know, I just figured we could sit down together for a few minutes… the rest of the sandwiches are all cold, so it wouldn't ruin them."   
  
"That's just more work for this lady," he defended.   
  
"Oh no," the woman answered, "It's no trouble at all. Why don't you two go sit right on down and I'll bring them out to you once Toni has them together. Please, please sit down," she encouraged. She was a nice Italian woman who seemed to have a good feel for people. She sympathized with Faith – noticing clearly that all she was trying to do was to slow down all of the bustling activity life throws at a person and spend some down time with someone she loved.   
  
"Thank you," Xander answered politely before leading the way to a table. They grabbed two soda's out of the fridge before sitting at a table closest to where they ordered the food.   
  
"Is everything okay?" Faith asked as she sat across from him.   
  
"Yeah, everything's fine, why?"   
  
"You just seem off…"   
  
"I'm fine."   
  
"Are you lying?" she asked jokingly.   
  
"You calling me a liar?" he asked not taking it nearly as jokingly as she had intended it to be.   
  
"No, relax… I'm just saying you seem like everything isn't fine."   
  
"It's fine, okay?"   
  
"Okay," she answered. With that Toni came up to the table and placed down two sandwiches: A Chicken Cutlet Parm for Faith and a Cheese-Steak for Xander. They thanked him and his wife came out a few moments later with the bag full of sandwiches to go back to the house. She was also thanked and for several minutes that was the last heard of their voices.   
  
Two men walked into the deli, obviously regulars as they referred to the man and his wife by their first name and were referred back to by there's. They ordered their 'regulars' and while they waited for them to be ready they talked. Since there was no conversation going on at their table, Xander was completely focused on what they were talking about as a reason not to talk and Faith just in turn ended up eavesdropping as well.   
  
'So you finally decided to tie the fucking knot, huh buddy?'   
  
'Yeah, I know… I figured I love her so why not, right? If you really love a girl you should marry her – show her how much she means to you…'   
  
'You got it, I always say, there's only two reasons a guy doesn't marry a chick he's banging – he either doesn't love her as much as he tells her he does or he's already got a wife and he's just got her on the side.' Both of them laughed and got their sandwiches leaving the deli.   
  
Xander had finished his sandwich and Faith was only half way through hers. She noticed how stiff Xander had become listening to the guys talk about marriage. It hit a nerve with her too but knowing it was such a soft subject for him she avoided even letting her facial expressions show she heard them. She was quickly becoming full from the sandwich and she began to just pick at the melted mozzarella cheese on the top when Xander jumped in,   
  
"Don't eat that."  
  
"What?" she asked with a smile figuring she had heard him wrong.   
  
"You don't need to eat that," he repeated, becoming even ruder the second time instead of more polite.   
  
"Okay…" she answered a little taken aback and suddenly feeling like maybe he really did think she was looking disgusting lately.   
  
"So are you done?" he asked hurriedly. She figured what the two guys had said made him really uncomfortably so she agreed,   
  
"Yeah, I guess I am." She was kind of pissed about what he had said and it came out in her tone even though she was trying to be understanding.   
  
"Well if you're not we can stay, I was just asking."   
  
"No, it's fine. I'm done. We can go."   
  
"Fine," he answered now seeming angry that she was agreeing that they could go even though she wasn't done – even though he had pushed her to be done.   
  
------  
  
She walked into the bedroom after taking a shower. She had just trained with Kennedy for a few hours feeling like she had some pent up energy inside. Kennedy said it wasn't energy it was anger but either way, she spent an entire hour at the bag. It proved to be a little too long since after she was done and she unwrapped her hands they were both bruised and starting to swell. After her shower she was excited to watch the movie and have some alone time with Xander – she hoped he would stop acting the way he had been. It was tough for him – she understood that, but she couldn't help make it better if he just blocked her out. She wished she was as good as he was with her: when she was so closed to him he opened her up and made her trust him and allow herself to love him. She wished she could do the same for him but by his resistance and evasive behavior around her she figured she wasn't good at it at all.   
  
He was sitting on the bed with the remote control flipping through the channels. The movie was on the small table next to where he was sitting. She had left it on the bed so it was obvious that he had to have moved it there when he sat down. She climbed into bed and asked,   
  
"What do you want to watch?"   
  
"I'll find something," he muttered. He was sitting there without a shirt on so she sat up and rubbed his back and shoulder as best she could with him sitting against the bed. She figured he would turn and she could rub them for him but she got absolutely no response from him. He continued to intently watch the television as he flipped through channels. After a minute or so of absolutely no reaction on his part she stopped and lay down as far to the other side of the bed as she could get. She faced away from him and without a word just tried to go to sleep as quickly as possible. She had her jaw clenched tightly trying to stop all of the thoughts flying around in her head pointing all of the obvious signs that she wanted so desperately to ignore and have disappear.   
  
*******************************************  
  
Xander sat there on the bed trying to figure out why he had done everything he had done. He wasn't doing it because he knew Angel would be back in trying to get his defense to bring back to Faith in some way – he was doing it because he felt like if he didn't justify himself soon, at least to himself, he was going to just die. Why was she so tolerant of him?   
  
It did make sense though. For someone who seemed so quick to judge and to act, she knew when someone reached out for her. It had been something she hadn't trusted herself enough to deal with earlier in her life, Buffy for example, but once she was out of prison all she wanted was to be able to trust that feeling. She needed him and both of them knew it.   
  
********************(flash back)***********************  
  
Xander woke up from a deep sleep not quite sure why. Faith was still asleep next to him and the sky was still dark. But then he looked over at her again – it kind of scared him how sensitive he had become to her. For a guy who could probably sleep through an apocalypse if he wasn't an integral part of stopping them, the fact that Faith's breathing had changed while she was sleeping had taken him out of a dead sleep. He looked over at her, still somewhat groggy, and noticed she was breathing in a broken and hastened rhythm with the muscles in her face beginning to tense. A thin layer of sweat began to form around her face and Xander watched warily hating that she went through this so often.   
  
Then, just what he had been prepared for, she opened her eyes in a panic and sat up quickly, gasping for air. Through each pant small muttered phrases or words could almost be deciphered as small, 'no's and 'stop' and 'it's not real' but she was close to hysterical.   
  
"Faith?"   
  
"Don't touch me," she spat, quickly scrambling out of the blankets to get off of the bed. Because of her state it took much more struggle to become untangled then if she had normally woken up. Xander noticed the look on her face and how the sweat was now beading up on her arms, back, and chest.   
  
"Baby, hey, it's me… relax," he soothed carefully coming out from under the blankets on the other side of the bed watching her every move. Granted she was panicking because of how helpless she felt but he knew full well that if she so much as pushed him he'd be in the hospital for a few days.   
  
"Where the fuck are my clothes? Where are my clothes?" she thought out loud in a panic, realizing she was only in her underwear and a bra. Xander was trying to keep himself from panicking – whenever she had woken up before all she needed was to know he was there but this time it was definitely different and he wasn't completely sure how to deal with it.   
  
"Here," he answered picking up a stray tee-shirt on the floor almost in as much of a panic to find it as she was. She looked up at him now for really the first time since she woke up and he couldn't help but notice how gorgeous she looked. She was standing in front of the window with the moon shining softly behind her and lighting up random part of her face and body.   
  
Xander slowly walked up to her with the shirt in hand.   
  
"Baby, it's okay… it was just a dream." Seeing the expression on her face; one that was still extremely tense but it lost the sense of panic and fear it had before, he walked all the way up to her and touched her arm feeling the anxious sweat under his hand. "Look at me," he added softly, touching the edge of her jaw, "it's okay." She nodded softly then in an almost awkward, insecure way, she pulled herself close to him. They stood there for several minutes with her resting her face against his chest and him with his arms wrapped around her waiting for her to get hold of her breathing.   
  
"What happened? What was the dream about?" He asked once she was calmer. She was still far from calm but by comparison she was much better. She shook her head,   
  
"I don't want to talk about it."   
  
"It'll make you feel better. What happened?" he pushed knowing there were certain things she had to be able to talk to him about otherwise they'd get nowhere.   
  
"I… I just told him to stop and… and I said no but he didn't care, and…" Xander quickly caught on knowing what nightmare it was.   
  
"Okay," he soothed, trying to keep the lump that was welling up in his throat from creeping high enough so that it could be heard in his tone. "Look at me," he said softly, "that's never going to happen to you again, you know that right?"   
  
"Yeah," she agreed, "but I can't stop myself from remembering it."   
  
"You seem to have a lot of those," he added in a tone that was a strange cross between sad and jovial. He wanted to add some levity and it was amusing that something so sad actually contained more levity than the current situation. She smiled knowing he was just trying to make her feel better any way he could. It amazed her how he could deal with her bazaar behaviors sometimes.  
  
"I'm really sorry," she explained, "I really freaked out there… it's just… it hasn't happened in a while and… I hate feeling that helpless, and when I remember it, it just feels way too real. And I really freaked out…"  
  
"It's okay," he soothed resting his forehead against hers, looking deeply into her rich eyes. He held her closely but didn't motion to kiss her knowing it was probably too intimate to follow directly after what her dream was about. That was definitely one of those quirky attributes he had learned to anticipate.   
  
"Why don't you go back to bed?" she offered seeing him try and stealthily hide a yawn. "I'm just going to walk around for a little while or something…"   
  
"No," he answered as though her suggestion was ridiculous.   
  
Holding her loosely around her waist he walked over to the side of the bed that was against the wall and sat down. She followed him and he sat with his legs stretched out and leaned lazily against the wall. She sat on his lap with her legs draped over the side of his onto the bed and her head rested on his shoulder with her arm lazily holding his waist. He held her with one hand around her back and across her waist using the thumb on that hand to slowly caress her stomach and the other hand slowly stroked her arm.   
  
Thinking they were going to just sit there quietly, which was completely fine by her since having him hold her like this was something she hadn't even dared to dream about ever experiencing, she was surprised to hear him start whispering softly. She didn't think this could feel any better than sitting here and having him softly stroke her, but he proved her wrong once again.   
  
"I love you so much… I would never let anyone ever hurt you… I love you… you're so gorgeous and beautiful… I don't know how I ever lived without you… I love you so much… I wish I could hold you forever and…" The soft phrases continued for hours never losing their genuine romantic quality. Even after she managed to drift back into a light sleep, which she never thought would be possible for at least a few days after her dream, he continued softly repeating how he felt and how much he cared about her.   
  
As soon as he had started him amorous chant she seemed to melt deeper into his arms basking in the warmth it made her feel. She had honestly never felt loved before and to know that he loved her that much and that what he was saying actually meant something was almost more than she could handle. Practically being able to see weight lifted off of her shoulders as he spoke to her brought a feeling inside of him that was hard to describe. He felt proud and powerful and needed – and the feelings that circulated inside of him that are beyond words made him sure of just how much he meant every word that left his lips that night.   
  
He was so swept away by the tingling emotions inside of him, it felt like he blinked and the sun was filling the room. He watched her slowly open her eyes as the sun teased them softly. This is how he liked to see her wake up – smiling. She smiled up into his face and almost immediately lifted her lips to his and kissed him softly but for several long moments.   
  
"I need you so much," she admitted lovingly. He kissed her forehead gently,   
  
"I love you."   
  
********************************************  
  
--------------------------  
  
"So I still don't understand why you didn't come say hello to me," Buffy pushed after nagging on the subject for the last twenty minutes.   
  
"Buffy, what do you want me to tell you? I came because I needed to talk to Xander… I was a little preoccupied and…"   
  
"Wait a minute," she said cutting him off sharply, "basically you're saying you came for Faith so you didn't even think of me."   
  
"Buffy, you don't understand. I'm a little stressed about this whole thing and I'm sorry if I didn't think of you first, but-"  
  
"So now I'm just some chick you had and forgot about-"  
  
"Buffy, just stop it!" He yelled suddenly. "I'd like to think that the girl I fell so deeply in love with could have an ounce of compassion or at least understanding for someone who they are so close with like you are to Faith."   
  
"Me and Faith – close? Are you on drugs?" she snapped with disgust.   
  
"Sorry," he answered angrily, "didn't know you were into denying your past now," he mocked knowing the duality of the phrase would get to her.   
  
"We're not close," she repeated rigidly.   
  
"Fine. But you used to be."   
  
"Until she went insane and took up the hobby of killing people! Not to mention the game she made up of mind-fucking Buffy!"  
  
"Is that what really bothers you? The fact that maybe someone could beat you – and I'm not even talking about by strength. I'm talking about the fact that she could play with you and-"   
  
"She manipulates everything around her and it drives me crazy that she can't be trusted and that I was stupid enough to try! But no, what really bothers me is definitely the list of dead people."   
  
"I don't want to get into this right now. Frankly, it doesn't really matter how you feel right now, but I just thought you'd understand what she's going through right now."   
  
"Why because you broke my heart?"   
  
"Can you, for one second, realize this isn't about you?" Buffy stood there silently for several long moments staring at him in disbelief. "Buffy, whether you believe me or just think that I'm being played, I know how much she's hurting right now. I hate to bring it to your attention, but I know Faith a little better than you do, and it's not because I'm special or anything like that, it's because I wanted to." She tried to cut him off but he continued talking steadily, "and when she's begging for the pain to stop, not because she's scared, but just because it's been years since it started and she's just too tired and broken to keep on pushing through it, I need to know the whole story. I came to talk to Xander to find out what happened and why he did what he did because if I have to watch this break someone who I think is one of the strongest people I've ever met, I want to know why."   
  
His voice held steady and when he brought his words to an end Buffy was left without anything to say. She glared at him angrily and the feeling of hurt and pain that she was always a victim to whenever Angel and Faith were involved pushed her to immediately exit the kitchen. Angel watched her walk out of the room without another word until he saw Kennedy walk down the hallway with a veneer proving she wasn't exactly happy about Faith's absence.   
  
"Kennedy," he called walking into the hall. She stopped and turned to look at him,   
  
"What are you doing here? Is Faith with you?" The second question was asked with much more hope and enthusiasm. Angel's blank expression sent her smile into immediate retreat and a cold, indifferent expression that could only be beat by the one in which it was taught by, took over her features.   
  
"No, umm… I came to speak with Xander."   
  
"I can lend you a knife if you want," she joked in a tone that should be mistaken as serious.   
  
"You girls both have a thing for blades," he noted, "dangerous obsession. I came because… well, Faith, she's… I needed to talk to Xander."   
  
"What do you expect him to say? 'Gee, I'm a wimp who couldn't handle having someone who loved me that much so I decided the best thing to do is crush the only thing she had to keep her going'?"   
  
"I was hoping he could give me some sort of reason…"   
  
"She's not doing well, is she?"   
  
"She's a strong person, Kennedy."   
  
"I know she is," she answered, "it's what amazed me about her. She's one of the strongest people I know, but when I saw what he did to her and how it reduced her to nothing – he left her there begging him not to leave her – and to see someone so strong be brought to that just goes to show how much she loved him. I saw it with my own eyes what it did to her and I know she's not handling it well."   
  
"Honestly, it's a hard call. I'm not sure whether to think of her standing there with a smile saying everything's fine is handling it well or if it's really bad. And I don't know whether to say her feeling defeated and used is her handling it well either. I honestly don't know… the first way is what she started with – being in denial about the whole thing and pretending it would just go away. The second, I don't know, maybe it's healthier but it's really hard to see someone like her so broken by something, especially when it was something that I encouraged her to take the chance with."   
  
"We all encouraged it… she was *so* happy with him. I mean, granted I haven't known her as long as you all did but I met her as soon as she came back to Sunnydale. Repentance whatever… she was a hardcore bitch. She was cool with all the SIT's and everything but you could tell – and I'm sorry if I start to sound all poetic-like – but there was this raging animal inside of her that you could see deep in her eyes that she had tied real short on a leash and every time a subject came up that hit a nerve you could see it in her eyes but she would just shorten the leash again and wouldn't let anything out."   
  
"Like a wolf…" Angel muttered in agreement.   
  
"Exactly! She wasn't doing anything wrong while she was there but you could tell there was just so much more to her than she was letting out. Even when you'd watch her fight there were so many times when you just wanted to scream, 'let it go,' but she always kept it down whether it meant this fight was going to be her last because of it or not. She wasn't going to even give that wolf a chance to get away, even if it was the difference between dying and living.   
  
"But when her and Xander were together – I don't know – it wasn't like the wolf was gone, because, I might sound crazy but, that's part of her whether she wants it to be or not, but when they were together it seemed like the wolf that was constantly pulling against it's chains and growling and gnashing it's teeth desperately trying to just get hold of anything it could, you'd see the two of them together and it was like it was lying down at her feet like a submissive puppy. You could see how relieved she was that she didn't have to wrap the chain leash around her knuckles and constantly hold it back – she just got to watch it lie there happy and content. Wow, listen to me fucking talk like I'm making sense…"   
  
"You make more sense than you think," Angel assured her. "When she first came into Sunnydale a bunch of years back, you could kind of think of it like she had that wolf following her around, checking her out. She'd ignore it like an annoying stray dog but when she'd get bored she mess with it a little bit – dodge corners and cut back to be behind it, make some noise and see if it'd flinch. As annoying as it might seem, she thought it was pretty cool. It looked big and powerful and mean but so tempting. As things started to get bad in Sunnydale she figured that wolf had been there before anyone so why not take the temptation – she figured she only needed a taste and then when she was done she'd just toss the dog out and be done with it.   
  
"That wolf took her over like it was an entire pack – it reeled her in and wouldn't let her go. Before she realized it was a bad thing that wolf was sleeping at the end of her bed… it knew it had a home and it was there to stay. When she came to me in L.A. after she woke up from her coma and she wanted to fight me, threatening to kill me… it was like she was just standing with that wolf and all of a sudden it jumped up and started gnashing it's teeth in her face. It wasn't as cool when it was wanting to rip her apart. She thought the only way to get away from it was to make me kill her… I had to show her how to harness it and subdue it. She fought with it – she struggled with it – sometimes it won but often enough it was like she was standing there holding it just far enough away so it couldn't bite her.   
  
"Like you said, when her and Xander were together it was subdued and domesticated. It liked where it was and it was willing to take food from someone's hand rather than hunt to live. I think that's part of why this whole thing is so hard for her – she came to me and that dog got kicked and what worries me is there's only so far you're going to be able to stretch your hand out before it snaps at it."   
  
"Faith has a dog?" Andrew asked with both confusion and excitement as he walked into the hallway. Kennedy rolled her eyes in frustration,   
  
"No!"   
  
"O-k-a-y," he answered, "nearest exit away from the angry Slayer…" and he quickly did so.   
  
"Wow, we definitely had a whole conversation about a wolf that doesn't even exist," Kennedy noted with a little disbelief.   
  
"Sometimes thinking about people as complicated as Faith in terms of non-existent dog's kind of helps," Angel joked softly.   
  
"I feel kind of bad… I don't really know why I feel this way, but… I mean, I understand why she left and everything but…"   
  
"You're angry," Angel concluded for her.   
  
"Kind of, yeah… it's stupid and selfish and-"   
  
"It's okay. Hey, I'll let you in on a little tidbit," he added with a soft smile, "at the top of Faith's list for getting angry, not to mention the top of Buffy's is someone leaving her. It's both of their top fears and the reason the two of them don't get along, they're both still angry at the other because they feel like they got dumped. They feel like the other one left them… neither of them can handle that. It's okay if it makes you angry too… and hey, it's the same thing that this is all about – Xander left her… he couldn't have done anything worse to her. It's feels like an act of complete betrayal and indifference."   
  
"Yeah," she answered pensively. "Is that really why the two of them are so vicious to each other?"  
  
"Deep down inside, they both feel dumped by the other." The words he said seemed to almost echo through the hallway and it wasn't just Kennedy that they sunk into… Angel heard his own words of reason almost as though some else were saying them to him.   
  
------------------  
  
Buffy walked into a bedroom and closed the door behind her. She looked around and noticed it must been Robin's room, which was actually good because he was at the other house with Dawn and Willow getting some essentials together – she had been overly excited to move in and forgot some important things like towels… who thought about towels!?   
  
She sat down on the bed unsure of what exactly she was mad about. If it was Angel that she was so furious with, then why couldn't she stop thinking about Faith? She hated her – the manipulation, the lies, the deceit… with her came nothing but pain.   
  
When she met her it was an instant clash. But it wasn't a pure clash – it was part hate but part attraction. She wasn't one who had ever been attracted to a girl, but there was just something about Faith that seduced her. It was hard to explain, but it taught her something – seduction isn't always completely sexual. Everything about Faith seduced her – the way she talked, the way she walked, how she dressed, what she did, her personality, her past, her everything.   
  
*She could remember feeling this feeling inside of her that she just didn't understand – it didn't feel sexual but it made her feel needy and maybe even overly confident. It was a strange combinations of confusing emotions that she didn't understand and didn't even believe were real until they pushed her to do things she never thought she'd ever do.   
  
Her and Faith were in her bedroom back in Sunnydale after a night of heavy slaying. There had been major vamp activity and it was already past two a.m. before they had gotten back to her house. Joyce had stayed up waiting for Buffy and seeing she was with Faith invited them both in and offered Faith some hot chocolate. They both accepted and once Joyce was finished making it she went straight to bed exhausted. The two of them went up to Buffy's room ready to crash after a long night. Faith hopped onto the edge of the bed nonchalantly. Buffy walked over to her closet in the corner of her room,   
  
'Hey, do you need anything to sleep in?'   
  
'It's almost three, this ain't sleeping, it's crashing. Don't need to change to crash.' Buffy nodded and smiled in response,   
  
'So three's the cut off?'   
  
'Quantity isn't always quality, but I don't like to leave anybody out,' she joked.   
  
'That's not what I meant,' Buffy answered with a giggle. 'You're sick.'   
  
'Way I see it, you've gotta be a little sick if you're going to risk your life and go poke things that are trying to kill you with a stumpy stick.'   
  
'Good point.'   
  
'Love the pun, B.'  
  
'No, I didn't mean-' she defended but both of them were laughing before she could.   
  
'Whatever,' Faith teased with a grin. Buffy walked over from the corner of the room to the bed right in front of Faith. Faith was sitting with one leg bent, sitting on that foot and the other leg hung loosely off the edge of the bed. She was leaning back on her arms which were planted behind her back on the bed. Buffy walked up to her so that her knees were touching the bed. Faith looked up at her with a sort of confused but challenging look. She remained completely still not wanting to infer anything since she wasn't sure what Buffy was doing or what she wanted to do.   
  
Before she could think of anything to do or say Buffy leaned down towards her putting one of her hands on the bed for balance and the other against Faith's face as she met her lips. She kissed her softly and smoothly surprised by how easily Faith was able to compensate for the inexperienced, jagged motion of her lips and make them glide and flow. Buffy followed the firm yet extremely sensitive lead that Faith gave even if Buffy was the one initiating the kiss and holding her. It was just as Buffy thought it might be except with more softness than she ever thought Faith could offer. Not that she thought about kissing her at all – or that much anyway… it was a weird reaction that she had towards Faith – she didn't understand it, and it didn't seem sexual, but it somehow led her to want to do what she was doing.   
  
Even though moving in to kiss her had taken an extreme amount of courage she still found herself too intimidated to do anything but a soft closed mouth kiss. She didn't even know she wanted to kiss her but now that she was here she wanted it so badly. Faith went along with the kiss, well… there wasn't really any reason she saw not to. B was hot and it had been a really long time since anyone had kissed her so softly. Buffy slowly pulled away from the kiss and looked down at Faith who was still sitting on the bed, unchanged except that now she was holding her lower lip gently between her teeth as she looked up.   
  
Without any known cause, other than presumably the same that caused the first kiss, Buffy lowered her lips back down to Faith's running her hand, that had been on her face, through her hair. Buffy kissed her more firmly than the first time and she couldn't believe the sensation that ran through her body when Faith pulled her lip between her teeth as she had previously been doing with her own. As she released her lip she kept her mouth slightly ajar and Buffy slid her tongue hesitantly in. She was praised for the move as Faith met her tongue with her own and smoothly massaged it. Feeling as though something had taken over her senses and her entire body, Buffy slid her hand from Faith's hair down the side of her face and continued down until she met her breast, which she held gently in her hand as she continued to kiss her better than she ever thought a kiss could feel.   
  
She would've stayed there caressing her lips if she didn't need a breath of air – she lifted her head away slowly and all of a sudden she was bombarded with emotions like doubt, guilt, and regret. Faith looked up at her with a soft smile but there was a hint of indifference in her expression.   
  
'I'm so sorry,' Buffy stammered as she backed away rigidly.   
  
'B, relax,' she answered nonchalantly, running her hand through her hair to fix it.   
  
'I didn't mean that… I didn't mean to do that…' she stammered. She was in such a state she did even notice Faith's jaw tighten. Might've been the softest kiss in a long time but it was just as meaningless. 'I shouldn't have… we shouldn't… I don't… I'm… I…'   
  
'I'm that good, huh? Leave you speechless?' Faith kidded, covering up how angry she was getting.   
  
'Faith!' Buffy scolded, almost in a panic. 'I don't know why I did that and-'  
  
'B, it's okay… really.'   
  
'I'm not gay – I've never…'   
  
'Buffy,' Faith stated firmly as she stood up and walked over to her, 'you-' Buffy cut her off and began stammering again,   
  
'I never… I don't know why I did that, and you let me. Why did you let me?' Faith rolled her eyes and picked her jacket up off of the bed and put it on. She let her continue trying to speak for several more moments than finally cut in,   
  
'Buffy, it's chill. Just relax, alright? I'll leave, you can make up some excuse for yourself that you like, believe it, and just forget about all of it.'  
  
'But… you-'  
  
'Don't worry your little head about it – I'm five by five.' With that Faith let herself out of the room and out of the house. She had planned on staying the night and crashing, but she could tell Buffy would probably have a heart attack if she stayed five more minutes. The girl had issues – not that she could talk, but she did.   
  
The next day Buffy met with the whole gang in the library – Faith was there and she immediately got nervous that it would be awkward. She thought it should be… after all, they had kissed. She both feared and looked forward to how it would pan out. No normal person would be able to just act like they had before and she found herself curious as to how Faith was going to act. She figured it would be best if she didn't predetermine how she was going to act – make it seem like she hadn't thought about this since the moment after it happened. But about five minutes into the untraditional meeting they were having she was infuriated by how unaffected Faith was acting. She thought it would be impossible for someone to act exactly the same and yet, there was Faith, sitting there as though they hadn't even gone over to her house after patrol last night. She swallowed down the anger figuring this was the best way – this was what she wanted – but there was some anger building up. She knew it was strange but she felt betrayed…*   
  
"Buffy?" Angel asked walking into the room cautiously. She jumped with surprise as he walked into the room snapping her out of her daydream. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you…"   
  
"No, it's alright… I just didn't hear you coming in. I guess I was just thinking…"   
  
"About what?"   
  
"I don't know," she lied.   
  
"Okay," he answered making it clear that he knew she just wasn't telling him. "I'm sorry," he added oddly.   
  
"For what?"   
  
"As much as I know how hard it was for Faith to come back to Sunnydale, I have to give you credit too. It couldn't have been easy on you either."   
  
"It wasn't." He nodded thoughtfully,   
  
"It's kind of funny, you two are either side by side and inseparable or you can't be anywhere near each other."   
  
"What's funny about that?" she asked rigidly, immediately jumping to the defense. He shrugged, knowing he came back to talk to her again to try and calm things down, not jump back into another argument.   
  
"When she came to L.A. I got really worried… I thought something had happened between you two."  
  
"So you immediately jumped to that conclusion?" she asked, her attitude still showing she wasn't giving him a free inch.   
  
"She was really upset. I didn't think anyone else could get her that way," he explained truthfully. His words took a few moments for her to digest and once she did it was like a rock in her stomach. She nodded and couldn't help but agree,   
  
"She was upset, wasn't she?"   
  
"Very." He waited several moments before adding, "it wasn't that long ago since you were begging me to help her… not to mention asking if there was anything you could do to help…" His tone was non-confrontational or threatening, but she immediately reverted back to a defensive stance.   
  
"She's hurt a lot of people since then… including me."   
  
"She's also saved a lot of people too."  
  
"That doesn't make it just balance out!"  
  
"Why does it seem to balance out for everyone else?" he asked, his tone becoming slightly more aggravated.   
  
"Like who?" she asked outright angrily.  
  
"Willow, Anya, Spike, and me."  
  
"Had that list right on the tip of your tongue, didn't you?"   
  
"You treat all of us on such a different level then you do for Faith and I think I can safely say, most people on that list have done more damage than Faith."  
  
"I don't want to get into this right now."   
  
"Okay," he accepted so easily that it almost annoyed her more. "Well, I'm going to say goodbye now since I'm just going to go see Xander and be out of here."   
  
"Fine," she answered shortly. He took a moment to maintain his composure figuring it was a good warm-up for Xander,   
  
"Good bye, Buffy." Without another word he walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs.   
  
-------------  
  
Xander sat on her bed staring at the door both anticipating and dreading Angel's return. He had so many reasons for everything but just as many regrets. He couldn't even lie to himself – he missed her. Waking up in the morning to her curled up against him… nothing could beat that. Looking at her working during the day acting all tough, like she doesn't need anything in the world except when she'd look over at him and he could tell just from the way she looked at him that it was just a front and that she needed him more than her next breath. He was needed. Ask as many psychoanalysts as you might like – they'll all say it goes straight back to a persons childhood. That was a complete priority for him – being needed. And having Faith need him was triple points because she didn't need anybody and she wanted to need him.   
  
Angel walked into the room quietly without a knock but wasn't at all surprised to see Xander sitting there waiting for him.   
  
"So why did you do it?"   
  
"Because I thought it was the right thing to do," he answered firmly.  
  
"So right off the bat you thought it was the right thing to do," he stated suspiciously, "you thought about all of the reasons and the consequences – for everybody – and it was the right thing to do."  
  
"I had doubts and questions and grapples and it seemed like the harder path to take and nine times out of ten the harder solution seems to be the right one.  
  
"See, this is what I'm not understanding," Angel cut in losing his patience for what seemed like no reason. "And this is ignoring the fact that you basically left the fate of your lover up to an odds ratio you made up in your head! What happened that made everything need to change? I mean, come on Xander, did things just get too good and comfortable that you needed to mix it up a little bit?"   
  
"I love Anya."  
  
"Do you love Faith?"  
  
"I don't know what that feeling was."  
  
"You look at those pictures and you tell me you didn't love her!'   
  
"I'm not sure and that doubt leads me to believe that I might not."  
  
"You doubted your love for Anya," he stated firmly, "and so you left her. You left her at the alter! She's dead and you're still in love with her! If we're basing this all on your feeling of doubt – that feeling of doubt is what brought the first person you doubted forward to ruin what you had with the second and make you doubt that!"  
  
"Faith was different!"   
  
"Why?" Angel asked firmly. "Why was she different?" he asked after a few moments of silence.   
  
"It's just different."  
  
"It was better, wasn't it?"   
  
"You have no right to make that judgment!"   
  
"Obviously I do by how defensive you're getting. Being with Faith was better – but you couldn't let it be better because it wasn't the first love. But here's the mind fuck, Xander – Faith was the first. She was the very first and I'm not only talking about your first experience. She was the first person who offered to need you. Sure, Faith's the last person to blatantly say she needs you and I'm sure that first time with her, even then when she was the way she was, sure before and after she probably treated you like garbage. But I bet during you realized just how much she wanted to need you. And even now, I can just by the way you're looking at me, you know she needed you. You felt needed – that's why you went to her that night… that night that I had to save you. You went there because you thought she needed you – you felt like she needed you and you liked it. She made you feel needed! Faith was the first woman you fell in love with and even though you let yourself forget that – it was better with her."   
  
"It was different," Xander stated rigidly.   
  
"How was it different?" Angel challenged back almost in a roar. After not receiving an answer he added, "Being with Faith was better. You loved her more. The fact that you can't even admit that to me proves to me more than you'll ever know."   
  
"I couldn't lie to her!" he screamed finally exploding in a surge of emotion. "How could I keep her thinking that she was the only person on my mind when Anya was all I could think about?"   
  
"You lost someone you love, Xander, it's a hard thing to deal with," he stated not without recognizing the double meaning. "It baffles me that you're an amazing enough person to have helped Faith through as much as you clearly did but at the same time, you didn't have the strength to believe that she could help you through your trouble too."   
  
"I felt like I was using her to just distract myself from what I was really feeling."   
  
"Xander, I'll tell you something that you need to believe comes from deep inside my soul. When I saw you two together… when I look at you two in those pictures… Xander, Faith is not a stupid girl. If she were, she would not have lasted this long with all she's been through. Do you really think that she'd not only allow but fall in love with a guy who was using her? You're going through something that is so hard to deal with but you messed up not thinking that she could help you through it. If you let her in on the problems you're having and trying to deal with – that feeling you have of using her, it's only because you weren't open with how you were feeling."  
  
"So I fucked up is what that all comes out to!" he snapped angrily.   
  
"There's a lot of things in life that we have to go through that hurt. This wasn't one of those things that you had to deal with. You could just be happy with her… it's okay to be happy, as strange as that concept may seem to you."  
  
Angel stopped taking a deep breath. He looked over at Xander and saw the constrained breath and the stressed expression he tried to hold to keep himself from falling apart.   
  
"Xander," he began in a much softer tone, "I understand how much pain you're in over Anya, I really do. But… if I understand it as well as I claim to, what does that say for how well Faith would've understood it?"   
  
Struggling to swallow, Xander didn't even attempt to respond. All he could see through his eye was an image of Faith huddled miserably on the floor drowning her misery with several of her favored vessels. Using Angel's comparison in his head – if he was standing her this upset and unnerved, how must she feel? Angel saw the pensive stare Xander held strictly fixed on the corner of the room and in a few silent steps he exited the bedroom. 


	21. Part XXI

Adjustment – Part XXI   
  
A shiver went through Wesley as he stood in the shadowed corner of the sidewalk at the entrance to the underground parking lot of Wolfram & Hart anxiously awaiting Angel's return. His anxiety is what led him to stand out in the bitter cold with biting wind whistling past him without a single regard to him. He didn't want to even waist the time of Angel walking inside before he got to speak with him. A strange mixture of relief and disquiet filled the inside of his chest as Angel finally drove into the parking lot in his favorite company car, the Viper. Wesley quickly walked over to the stopped car now in it's designated parking spot. Angel quickly got out of the car having noticed Wesley waiting for him.   
  
"What's wrong?" Wesley took a deep breath after glancing into the vehicle hoping Angel had perhaps brought with him a certain passenger.   
  
"Well," Wesley answered with a pause trying to find the best way of explanation.   
  
"Let's walk as you talk," Angel abruptly ordered wanting to go see her. They entered the building and Angel maintained his quick pace seeing the Wesley's speed only encouraged him to go faster. "What's going on?" he asked only taking a breath once they were standing in the elevator.   
  
"Well, this morning I went in to check on her since I hadn't seen her about and she wasn't in bed as I suspected and-"  
  
"Wesley, a little less English and a little more point."   
  
"She was very upset… inconsolable even… she seemed ill too. I want to know what the bloody hell is going on!" Wesley finally shouted losing his patience. Wesley's dramatic words were of high impact, but their effect was immediately forgotten with the opening of the door to Faith's quarters.   
  
"Faith?" Angel called very softly. There was no response and Wesley led him over to the bathroom where the door was partially ajar. Angel looked in cautiously and his heart dropped as he saw her vomiting into the toilet. He stood there unsure of what to do before he felt Wesley push past him and walk into the bathroom. He walked over to the sink and wet a small towel and wrung it out.   
  
"Have a few drinks last night?" Angel asked as she sat back down on the floor and leaned her back against the wall.   
  
"No," she answered unsteadily. Angel looked over at Wesley doubting she was being truthful but Wesley confirmed her candor with a subtle shake of his head as he offered her the towel. She took it and pressed it against her forehead but immediately jerked back and Angel saw the reason for it was a cut running through her eyebrow and up her forehead.   
  
As if she suddenly realized Angel was standing there she looked out of the bathroom behind Angel as if looking for someone.   
  
"He didn't come, did he?" she asked shakily.   
  
"No, why would he?" Angel tone was a little uncharacteristic due to him still being angry with Xander and the entire situation. He almost felt angry at Faith for feeling so strongly about Xander.   
  
"Never mind," she answered spitefully. Even now she still held onto a thin thread of hope that maybe Xander would come walking through the door, kneel down next to her and hold her tightly telling her that all the pain was going to go away again and it would be just like it was.   
  
"What's wrong?" Angel asked trying to make his tone softer and more consoling.   
  
"Nothing… I'm fine."   
  
"Wesley, could you…" Angel asked motioning for him to leave. To his surprise, the response he received was against his request and in a strong way. Angel motioned to talk with him outside of the bathroom and both of them exited.   
  
"Why should I leave?" Wesley asked angrily.   
  
"Wesley…"   
  
"You left me with her and now you want to come back with an attitude and you not only expect her to talk to you but you want me to leave her to you?"   
  
"Wesley…"   
  
"I just can't believe you!" he stated outraged. "Did it occur to you that maybe the only thing she's been hoping for since you left was that you'd return with him?"   
  
"He doesn't deserve-"  
  
"You don't deserve to make that judgment. Granted I don't know everything going on here, but I've figured out the main gist and-"  
  
"I'm sorry… I'm just… I'm angry. I'm a little on edge right now and-"  
  
"Don't take it out on her. You're not with them anymore, you're here with her and you have to stop talking like-"  
  
"I'm sorry. I-" he stopped hearing coughing coming from the bathroom. "I need to talk to her alone… she doesn't like to look weak in front of you." Without a response Wesley left the apartment glancing quickly in the bathroom trying to sooth his nerves. Angel walked back over to the doorway to the bathroom. He looked over at her and it felt like the sun was melting him from the inside outward. Between the cut on her face and the thick layer of sweat covering her face, neck and arms he felt sick.   
  
"When did you get sick?"   
  
"I woke up this way."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Does it matter?"   
  
"What's the cut from?"   
  
"We playing twenty questions?"   
  
"No, I was just wondering why your face is bleeding, that's all."  
  
"Making you hungry?" she asked looking up at him angrily.   
  
"What's the matter with you?" he asked losing his composure at the fact that she was acting like he had done something terrible to her since he walked into the room.   
  
"Sorry, I'm in kind of a bad mood… I've been here puking with a pounding headache wondering whether you went to Slayer H.Q.'s to shack up with Buffy or to give Xander a time out… or maybe it's just cause I've got a bad attitude." She tossed the towel Wesley had given her onto the floor and slowly got to her feet – very slowly.   
  
"You're in pretty bad shape," Angel mentioned just trying to find something that would help him break through to her right now. She was on high defense, as usual, but right now she was in pain too, and if he wasn't on edge already, having to see her like this was certainly not helping.   
  
"You always were the sharp one," she muttered sardonically as she walked past him out of the bathroom and into the bedroom of the quite spacious, Wolfram & Hart apartment. He followed her quietly, making himself not snap back at her comments. This was the way she was – especially at times like this.   
  
Why was it that when he really needed to be able to deal with her that he was finding it so difficult? He knew what it was though – he was frustrated. He had gone to Buffy's not expecting anything but to be able to find some magical solution. Seeing the pain she was in made him irrational and knowing that he couldn't just fix it for her frustrated it for him. And ironically, he took that anger out on her.   
  
"So what happened to your forehead?" he pressed. He pushed on the one question knowing if he couldn't get her to answer a simple question like this he wasn't going to get anywhere.   
  
"It's an interesting story actually – it instigated a fight with the door knob…" she paused for dramatic effect and Angel hung on her last word waiting for her to continue. "Actually, it's not that interesting," she admitted with a shrug. She walked over to the window and picked up a glass of water she had left on the sill.   
  
"So what happened?" he asked again.   
  
"Oh… the door knob won," she answered bluntly. Angel was sure to make sure she couldn't hear the deep breath he needed to take.   
  
"What's with your foreheads sudden violence?"   
  
"No," she answered finally with a slow shake of her head, "I told you, I woke up feeling like ass and I went into the bathroom there and I sat down and I hit my head."   
  
"Looks like you sat down pretty hard," he commented looking at the pretty deep gash on her forehead. "You sure you didn't fall?"   
  
"We gonna argue semantics now? Sitting is a controlled fall, isn't it?"  
  
"Okay," he agreed, "but that doesn't look too controlled."   
  
"I don't know," she finally admitted, "I kind of blacked out for a second… we'll say it started out as a 'controlled fall' and whether it ended as one or not is up to interpretation…" He watched her carefully as she sipped carefully at the water as though if it might shatter in her mouth. After a few very small sips which barely changed the level of the liquid in the glass she placed it down on the floor near the bed and trying not to seem like she really needed to sit down she did so very slowly. Her eyes were extremely bloodshot and had heavy, dark bags under them only further accentuated by the paleness of her face.   
  
"You blacked out? What's wrong with you… you really don't look good."   
  
"You know just how to make a girl feel special, don't you? I can see why B had such a thing for you," she commented sarcastically.   
  
"I mean it – why are you sick? Slayer's aren't really supposed to get sick like this."   
  
"You remember that promise you made me?" she asked. He felt like he was being thrown a curve ball and stood there scanning his brain for possible answers. "You said that there was one thing you could promise me, and that was that what I had done would haunt me, probably for the rest of my life…"   
  
"Yeah," he nodded understandingly.   
  
"Well, let's just say I wish you were just another shmuck who didn't keep your promises."   
  
"But I don't understand – why are you-"  
  
"Sometimes it's really bad… I'll see flashes of everything that I've done or been through… everything… it just flashes through my head at a million miles an hour but I can see everything so clear and even more than that, I feel everything hit me that I felt. All of the emotions and pain and… everything, it just all hit me and it's enough of a rollercoaster to literally make me sick. I feel everything – I see everyone and what I did… I see the blood on my hands and I feel the fluster in my stomach and I really can't handle it anymore…" she babbled painfully.   
  
"So this is about that, not Xander?"   
  
"I don't know," she admitted, "when I was with him I'd wake up like I did this morning and, I don't know what he did, but he would just… he would just hold me… he would hold me and talk to me and everything would just slow down… and then I could handle it and sometimes it would even go away… Angel, I can't handle it anymore," she admitted, "with him I was able to deal with all this shit going on in my head, but I really don't know if I can by myself… I want to be done." She stood up off of the bed and walked over to a table across the room with her jacket strewn on top of it. She rummaged through the pockets and pulled out her pack of cigarettes. She opened the pack and began to remove a cigarette but then feeling the queasiness in her stomach placed it back on the table still holding the lighter in her hand out of habit.   
  
"Faith, you got on this rollercoaster the day you walked into the Mayor's office… you can't just decide the rides over now," he answered trying to not sound harsh but needing to maintain the same degree of firmness needed to make sure she realized still what she did was wrong. "You had an awesome time on the first half of the ride…"  
  
"Second half, not so much," she added spitefully. "But you know… it's like at the carnival, you're on the huge ride and if you scream loud enough sometimes they'll stop it for you so you can get off, and Angel, I'm screaming as loud as I can!"  
  
"Faith you've got people around you who are listening. You can't forget that…"   
  
"I know you're listening, but I just don't think anyone can actual hear it…"   
  
"Faith, I-"  
  
"Whatever," she said tiredly cutting him off. She wasn't trying to keep him from speaking but she just couldn't listen to anymore or think about anything with her head spinning around so quickly. It began to speed up again since she was starting to think about her emotions and that was what fueled everything inside of her head…   
  
"No, it's not whatever!" Angel began reprimanding.   
  
*'I can't handle it without you… I just can't. Baby, don't leave… I'll do anything, I need you… you don't know how much it hurts… I can't do it without you, baby, please don't leave me…'*  
  
"Angel," she called almost in a panic as she lost feeling in her legs and the room began to spin around her so quickly it felt slow. She grabbed for the table behind her but she barely felt her hand touch it before she blacked out. Angel rushed over to her practically being able to see her consciousness pulled away from her in a whirlwind of force. He caught her limp body just as her legs were on the floor, able to catch her upper body before it struck the ground.   
  
Almost in a panic he looked frantically around the room for something cold but all he could see was the water across the room by the bed. He then began to blow on her face hoping it would help bring her back – after a few breaths he realized he didn't have any breath…   
  
"Problem," he announced. On the brink of ultimate panic he felt her breathe in a deep gasp of air and grab his arm in her tight grasp. "Faith… oh my god… I'm making a rule – that's not allowed…" he said with as much levity as he could muster. All quickly disappeared when he looked down at her and saw her begin to cry.   
  
"I just want to be done, Angel. Why can't I be done? It just hurts too much…" Angel had a painful recollection of Darla for reasons he both understood and didn't. Everything was very much the same but at the same time very different. He loved her and he could openly admit to almost anyone that that was the true state of his feelings – but it wasn't that type of love. He deeply cared about her and for her, but it was in no way a sexually based attraction. There was something very sensual about their relationship but he in no way felt a sexual tension between himself and her. He was aware that at one point that was very much all she was interested in when it came to him but he was also very much aware that there was a lot more going on with her then with plenty of ulterior motives floating around. She was going through a lot of the same things that Darla had been going through when she got her soul returned to her by Wolfram& Hart. Begrudgingly he had to recognize the building he was presently standing in.  
  
"Faith, why don't you lie down for a little while," he suggested beginning to help her stand.   
  
"No," she protested shaking her head, "I don't want to go to sleep…"   
  
"Well… you should rest. I want to go to Wesley and do a little research – I want to make sure this isn't some demon manipulating this situation and making you think that all of this is about Xander when it's really doing something to you-"  
  
"Angel, this isn't new."   
  
"Faith, that wasn't normal… heartbreak, yeah… hangover, sure… passing out for no reason, not buying it…"   
  
"Whatever," she answered pushing away his helping hand. She stood up charily then slowly walked over to the glass of water. Knowing he probably shouldn't leave but also being aware that his fragile nerves right now were getting him nowhere with her he turned and exited the room wanting to be back as soon as possible but also needing to take a breath of fresh air outside of her room. She heard the clicking of the door behind her and she shoved the glass of water onto the floor from its resting position on the sill. She wiped a stray tear from her face angrily – she felt helpless, weak, and useless!   
  
He was finally back but he wasn't really… He felt like he was just as far away as he was when he was gone. What happened while he was gone? Why was he being so weird? All of these questions dragged around in her head but even with them occupying her she couldn't help but allow others to fog her mind as well. What did Xander say? How did he feel? Did he even care how she felt?   
  
------------  
  
"Hungry?" Willow asked as she walked into Faith's old bedroom. It had become clear that Xander wasn't going to stay anywhere else. She walked in and saw him sitting there in a room lighted only by the moon outside the window and a few stray street lamps. He was sitting on the unkempt bed and appeared as though looking up at her was the first time he had looked up from the floor since he came in here hours earlier.   
  
Willow had become especially concerned once Angel had left – seeing Xander around the house had become a rare if ever occurrence. She was worried… she had known Xander forever and she was used to him dealing with his problems alone, but it made her uncomfortable to see him literally disappear. She hated to even allow the thought to enter her mind, but she had to realize that since Faith had left it had gone completely down hill. She soothed this thought slightly by analyzing that if she had never come back at all it would've been even better…   
  
"No, I've got to get ready for work."  
  
"Don't you need to eat before you go to work?" she asked with a comforting smile.   
  
"They give me this strange thing now… it's… oh, what's it called… right, lunch breaks," he stated sardonically. Both of them couldn't deny how Faith-like what he said was but Willow tried to push past that.   
  
"Breakfast is more what I had in mind," she added motioning towards the digital clock which Xander had replaced on the table beside the bed. He glanced towards the clock and saw the glowing 5:47a.m. He nodded knowing to himself that he hadn't slept all night and had been staring at that face of the clock sporadically since around midnight. When he wasn't looking at the neon green glowing digits he was either looking down at the dark floor or at the pictures he still was holding in his hands.   
  
"Umm… I'm not really hungry, Will, thanks though…"   
  
"Is everything okay?" she asked cautiously.   
  
"Yeah," he answered a little too quickly. He fidgeted nervously on the bed for a moment realizing how quickly he had answered.   
  
"You can talk to me you know…"   
  
"I don't really want to talk about-" he stopped himself as quickly as he could which was still way too late. "I know… thank you."  
  
"Xander, you're-"  
  
"I'm fine," he stated just as quickly but much more firmly.   
  
---------------------  
  
"Wesley," Angel called as he walked up to his office. Wesley looked up from his desk to see Angel walking in anxiously.   
  
"What is it?"   
  
"It's… Wesley, I thought I had most of this whole thing figured out but now I'm not so sure anymore."   
  
"Why the sudden change of heart?" he asked still not completely sure what he was getting at. He felt a little in the dark on the whole situation but whenever things came to Faith he had become somewhat used to being in the dark.   
  
"Wesley, I don't know – I thought I understood, but I don't think what I think it is could bring everything to such an extreme… like it was… I mean, yeah, really upset and even depressed, but not passing out and being ill… I don't think… right?"   
  
"I pride myself in being able to decrypt a third of what you just said. Perhaps you could explain to me exactly what you thought you understood…"   
  
"Okay… I mean, I understood why, well I thought I did, about Faith. About why this whole thing with Xander bothered her so much. I mean, just think about it – her entire life she's heard nothing but people telling her that she's completely useless, worthless, and replaceable. I mean everyone from her mother to any authority figures she had to…" he trailed off looking back up at Wesley knowing he wanted to say him. "Wesley, that's all she heard growing up… I mean, that wasn't the only thing she had to deal with but I really believe that's the root of everything deep down inside of her. I mean, it made sense – it explained a lot of her behaviors. She acts like she doesn't care what anyone thinks about her but really, she does.   
  
"When it comes to sleeping around with guys she doesn't know… that makes sense too because as much as she doesn't show it, even if it's just some guy who she knows is lying, they act like they care about her, they tell her they need her, treat her kind of special… she goes for it. She absolutely craves feeling that way! And with Xander, right from the beginning she had that… Xander's a nice guy, probably something she hadn't dealt with a lot before meeting him. He went to her when she needed help – granted she didn't know how to handle it at the time – she still knew that it made her feel good.   
  
"When they were together he was the first person to really make her feel wanted – he was the first person to tell her all of those things she had never heard before and really mean it. I mean, Wesley, to finally have someone who absolutely accepted her – and I mean everything about her. He… he made her feel loved, Wesley! She's *never* felt that before… then he tells her it wasn't true. He tells her that what he said, the only person who's ever said it and made her feel like he actually meant it, he didn't and that it was all just a lie.   
  
"How could she think anything but that what she's been told her whole life is true? So I can see her upset… I can see her being depressed – very much so actually, especially when all of this is on top of everything she's going through. But Wesley, is it enough to make her physically sick like she is right now?"   
  
"The mind is a very powerful thing… Angel, it's important to remember that no matter how well she's doing, how good she seems, Faith is a very sick girl. She's sick, Angel… very sick."  
  
"Tell me she's sick one more time Wesley and you're going to see that by comparison," he spat defensively.   
  
"More credit to her, Angel," he continued remaining composed throughout the entire conversation, "she's dealt with so much for a girl her age – it's extraordinary… but… Angel, we must all understand that-"  
  
"Wesley, why is she passing out and throwing up?"   
  
"She passed out?" he asked, his level of concern rising even higher.   
  
"What's going on, Wesley, I need to know."  
  
"Well, we've all seen what Faith's mind has led her to do to others in the past… how far it took her to the other side and how long she stayed there. It was all about the mind games she plays being played on herself. Only then she took it out on others… now she's taking it out on herself. I think we're both aware of the damage she can do… just imagine that exponentially since it doesn't need to be physically materialized, it only needs to remain in her head."   
  
------------  
  
Willow sat on the couch in the living room with stacks of papers sprawled about the table in front of her as well as on the floor and on her lap, not to mention all over the couch. They had begun to seriously network as well as they could and try and figure out which girls had been given Slayer powers seeming as how they're fix for the first could probably develop into something much worse. She was driven by the thought of a billion Faith's… not a good world. She had print outs of suspicious imprisonments of minors, school uprisings, etc. It was a lot of things to sift through and hard to determine which had to do with Slayers and which had to do with rowdy teenagers.   
  
The phone rang just as she picked up a file. She placed it back down and answered the phone.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Hi… Willow, it's Faith." Willow hesitated answering for a longer moment than she realized. Faith was the last person she thought would be on the other end of the phone call and she didn't sound too great. She sounded tired and her voice was raspy and more tired sounding then usual. It was enough for her to notice that there was a fairly drastic change. "Sorry, umm… I…"  
  
"No, it's fine," Willow interjected. She hadn't realized how long that uncomfortable pause had been. "How are you?"   
  
"You know me," she answered typically.  
  
"Right… you sound a little-"   
  
"Is Xander there?" she asked as though she had to spit it out or she was never going to be able to ask. The tone of her voice was enough to even make Willow feel terrible that he actually wasn't.   
  
"No, I'm really sorry… he's not here, but if you want me to tell him you called…"   
  
"No, it's okay," she answered, her tone trying to cover up her disappointment. Willow could hear her exhaling, signally to her that she must be smoking. "I just called to find out if he got that job… you know the one he went to the interview when I left…"   
  
"Yeah," Willow answered, happier that she could help with something positive. "He's actually there now, that's why he's not home."   
  
"That's so good," she answered as though she were thinking out loud.   
  
"Do you want me to give him a message?" Willow offered again.   
  
"No, it's okay… I was really just wondering if he got that job or not," she explained. "Thanks, Willow… I've got to go, so I'll talk to you later."  
  
"Okay… take care of yourself, Faith…" Willow answered but she was fairly sure she wasn't heard when the click from Faith hanging up interrupted the phrase. She hung up the phone and picked up the file again but remained staring at the manila folder for several minutes unable to think of anything except Faith and Xander. She didn't dare to claim that she knew Faith – the girl never ceased to confused the shit out of her. But she definitely had just called to ask if the guy who broke her heart had gotten the job he was trying for the day she moved out… the little that she knew about Faith, that wasn't typical and it meant she wasn't lying when she said it had been on her mind. She could picture Faith pacing back and forth for hours before letting herself pick up that phone to call. Before she had picked up that phone if anyone asked her what she thought about Faith and Xander she would've said she was happy that Xander had ended things before he got hurt, but hearing the tone of Faith's voice when she had to tell her that he wasn't there was enough to make her rethink her answer.   
  
There was a lot of pain in her tone… more so than usual. She wasn't president of Faith's fan club but she could admit the chick had been through a lot. Just listening to the tone of her voice on the phone had been enough to make her temporarily forget about Xander, and how she had been relieved that he was going to be out of harms way, and she became concerned with Faith and was able to see how downhill she had gone. Noticing that made it impossible for her to ignore the fact that Xander had also gone downhill, perhaps even on just as steep a slope. She knew Faith must be in a pretty bad way to be calling like that and admitting that she called to talk to him and just ask him about a job – she hadn't even put on a front and tried to act tough and indifferent. She called sounding tired, upset, and even desperate.   
  
Kennedy walked down from upstairs and walked into the living room. She saw Willow staring blankly at the open file and she asked with concern,   
  
"Is everything alright?" Willow snapped out of her temporary daze,   
  
"Yes, I'm fine. I just kind of blanked out…" Kennedy sat down on the couch next to her in a spot that was free of papers.   
  
"Who was that on the phone, I heard it ring…"   
  
"Faith, actually." Kennedy was just as surprised as Willow had been. It was obvious to her lover from her expression that she was extremely curious and overwhelmed with various emotions now.   
  
----------------  
  
"Bye, Xander," several coworkers called as they walked off the site. Xander waved goodbye to all of his new pals and began to gather up his things ready to head out. He was going to stop by Buffy and Dawn's house to check in on the hot water heater – he had been suspicious about it's reliability from the beginning – and now Buffy and been complaining that the water wasn't getting more than lukewarm.   
  
"Harris!" his boss called unexpectedly.   
  
"Sir, how are you?" he greeted respectfully. He wiped his hand off in his shirt before offering a handshake.   
  
"Harris, I have a question for you."   
  
"Yes sir."  
  
"How would you like to head a new project we have over in the downtown area?"   
  
"Head it?"   
  
"Yes, I want to put you in charge of the project. You seem plenty qualified from what I've seen. Are you up for it? But before you answer that, Harris, let me tell you – unless that girl of yours is back and occupying all of your free time I wouldn't pass this one up," he joked.   
  
"I'm on it, Sir."  
  
"Good man, Harris. Congratulations; I'll see you tomorrow to go over the prints."  
  
"Yes sir."   
  
----------------  
  
Faith had called Slayer HQ's while lying on her bed trying to steady her pounding head and spinning stomach. After hanging up the phone with Willow she had hardly moved except to put out her cigarette and to wipe her eyes from all of her, umm… allergies. She hadn't slept in days and the slight tears and exhaustion was enough to ease her into a slight nap. Even as she fell asleep she was still chiding herself for allowing herself to have anything she wanted anymore – even when it was just sleep – because she knew she just shouldn't. She didn't want to see anymore faces… she didn't want to feel anymore emotions… memories for her were horrible and something she wished she could avoid. While awake she could usually control them enough to keep them out of her head but while she was asleep there was no limit to how graphic or haunting they could be.   
  
  
  
------dream------  
  
She walked into a bar and took a seat on a stool that seemed somehow familiar. A figure walked over to her that revealed itself as Lorne.   
  
'I'm usually the one on the receiving end, gorgeous, but what'll you have?'   
  
'Don't worry, I'm usually not getting shit I'm just doing all the leg work, so we're both on unsteady ground…' she explained, 'let me start out with a Jack and Coke…' Lorne quickly produced one with a wave of his hand and placed it down in front of her. A hand quickly appeared next to her placing money down on the bar,   
  
'It's on me,' Buffy's voice revealed. Faith turned and looked at her strangely. Lorne took the money off of the bar and disappeared behind the shadowed bar.   
  
'Since when are you buying me drinks?'  
  
'Seemed like the least I could do…'   
  
'Whatever.'   
  
'What's going on with you?'   
  
'Got a lot going on in my head…'   
  
'What, you mean like me popping in for random visit in it?' she asked with a laugh.  
  
'You've got the whole, still being alive thing going for you, don't worry,' she answered with an equal amount of levity.   
  
'Can I ask you a question?' she asked. She took her silence as admission and continued, 'what happened to the whole get over it attitude you usually have?'   
  
'I knew it could feel like this so I never let it… but everything happened and I just needed it so bad… and I couldn't lie about it anymore – it felt so good to have someone who loved me that losing that… I mean, I don't know…'  
  
'It's so confusing. You know how I love riddles, right?'  
  
'Yeah – the best one though is, 'is it better to have loved and lost…' '  
  
'or 'to have never loved at all' ' she chimed in.   
  
'I don't know!' she answered angrily as though being pushed for an answer.   
  
'It hurts so much… I can't breathe.'   
  
'It never goes away, does it?'   
  
'Watch out!' she yelled. Faith jumped up out of her stool and in front of a huge wolf jumping towards Buffy. She blocked it from getting to Buffy and struggled with it to keep it's wildly snapping jaws from contacting with her face. She could feel every ounce of her strength slowly tiring as she struggled to gain an inch with the wild beast. She just couldn't let it win – but she couldn't keep it down.   
  
'Buffy, help me!' she cried out desperately as she felt it slowly gaining ground on her. Buffy's face flashed quickly past her then she was gone. She lost her focus as her eyes followed Buffy's disappearing face and she quickly felt her mistake as the wolf leaped up again, knocking her down onto her back. She held her hands up above her face to try and grab hold of it's scruff again to maintain it's distance away from her but it attacked mercilessly, sinking it's teeth into her hands and wrists before making it to it's real goal by her face and neck. She didn't scream… she didn't scream at all… the pain was there, she felt it, but it didn't matter. It's what she almost liked about pain – it made you forget about all of the other shit going on and it made you just focus on one thing. She left… they all just left… they said they wouldn't but in the end that's what they do. She was alone and it was because they left her.  
  
------dream over--------  
  
Buffy woke up with a jerk – sitting up quickly, rubbing her eyes to wipe away the fog. She'd had bazaar dreams before, it kind of came with the Slayer territory, but this one won the prize. First Faith buys her a drink in a bar, then she gets her to talk about Angel, while Faith's quoting Shakespeare!? If she were in charge of writing her dreams, she joked in her head, Faith definitely would've said something more along the lines of, damn this shit sucks.   
  
Either way the dream was really weird. She sat there for another moment but then she finally realized there was a constant knocking coming from the door. She knew it hadn't just started, but she didn't realize she was hearing it. She quickly got up and jogged for the door unsure of how long she had left the knocker out there for.   
  
"I thought you died or something," Xander greeted as he walked in.   
  
"Sorry, I just fell asleep on the couch."   
  
"Steamy dream?" he asked jokingly. She smiled awkwardly but he walked past her and put a big bag with various supplies down on the counter. Going with the gut instinct to never let a dream like that go unanswered, on top of the fact that Xander looked completely exhausted she decided to strike up a sensitive conversation.   
  
"So… what's with the long face?"   
  
"I don't know," he answered, "just tired I guess."  
  
"You sure that's all? You've been kind of out of it lately…"   
  
"I don't think I really need to explain why," he answered, knowing it was more obvious than he really wanted it to be.   
  
"You don't need to, but I thought maybe you'd want to."  
  
"You're really just dying for dirt on Faith, aren't you?" he asked, suddenly getting very annoyed.   
  
"I didn't say that," she answered justly – it wasn't like she had really even gotten to the sensitive part… yet. "But if that's where you want to go with this, okay. Why are you so stuck on her? I mean, I just don't get it with you guys… I mean I know the whole damsel in distress things gets guys, but Faith just takes it to a whole different plane!"   
  
"Don't-"  
  
"I mean, really… Angel's got it too – pouting lips, heaving bosom… the crying… it really does the trick. I mean, leave it to Faith to come up with the perfect formula for that – gotta give credit where credit is due, I guess, the girls got the entire male race figured out!"  
  
"You are so jealous of her."   
  
"What!?"   
  
"You are," he answered, "sure, it's a close race between you two when it comes to Slaying, but there are certain things where Faith is just so much better that it kills you."  
  
"Name one."   
  
"Guys, sex… however you want to put it," he answered quickly as though to just name one of the many. "It kills you that she's got that part of her that's so out of your league."   
  
"Yeah, because it's sleazy!"   
  
"No, because you could never even compare to her when it comes to that and it really bothers you. It's something that she doesn't need to be a slayer to have and she does, and you can't even touch it."  
  
"Listen to you. How do you even know what I'm like in bed?" she asked realizing he had no way of comparison.   
  
"I don't need to… I can just look at how you act when the subject comes up with Faith in it."   
  
"Okay, the girl can fuck you better than any hooker ever could, is that your point, Xander? Sorry, but I like to know the guys name first… not to mention that I can actually look at a guy when I'm sleeping with him. She likes pain – like I said, she can fuck the hell out of you, but-"  
  
"That's not what's great about it," he stated firmly, "she can be gentler than anyone I've ever met. She can be so soft and sensitive when she kisses you… you never thought it was possible to have someone feel that way. It's nicer than anyone else could ever be… and it only makes it more amazing when you know just how nasty and rough she can be."   
  
"Okay," Buffy answered trying to cover up the emotions that just hit her since deep down inside, hidden within her, she *did* know what it felt like when Faith kissed you so softly. She had to defend against something that had amazed her so much so long ago. "So she can play the fucking part, big deal. Like with everything else with her, it's fake. She knows you want a gentle girl, she'll give you a gentle girl. Faith's got the whole bordello wrapped into one… sure, I guess that's any guys dream girl," she quipped sarcastically.   
  
"That's not the part that's fake," he explained firmly. "The tough, 'I don't need anybody' front that she puts on, that's the fake one."   
  
"Does it really matter which one is fake? She's deceptive and-"   
  
"How about, she's scared to let anybody in because she's never known anyone who didn't hurt her?" he asked angrily. "You have no idea what she's been through!"   
  
"Oh, but you do… I'm sure, Xander. I'm sure your perfect little princess told you everything, exactly the way you wanted to hear it. Trigger off just the right emotions and-"   
  
"I can't believe you!" he yelled in disbelief. "You have absolutely no idea…"   
  
"Fill me in then Xander – who knows, maybe I've heard my own little personal version of everything you've been told."   
  
"Somehow I doubt it," he answered angrily. "I'm not going to repeat what she said to me. What was said was said in confidence and-"  
  
"She plays the same shit with Angel."   
  
"Why do I doubt that her crying to me about how she walked into her mothers room to find her lying in a pool of her own blood after killing herself was her playing? Why don't I think that her waking up screaming almost every night because she had a dream about being raped was her playing? Huh, Buffy? But I guess you're right, that was all just her planning everything out so that I'd fall completely in love with her and-"  
  
"You actually loved her?" Xander clenched his teeth together quickly unsure of how to answer.   
  
"I don't know."   
  
"How do you not know? You either loved her or you didn't."   
  
"I care about her and I understand why she acts the way she does… that doesn't necessarily make it okay or right, but it makes it understandable, and in many cases honorable. The odds were against her from the beginning and she still turned out to be a beautiful, personable, and capable. She's been through-"  
  
"So much, I know," Buffy interjected. Xander couldn't help but laugh at her unbelievable ignorance to such a blatant case.   
  
"Buffy, have you ever been ignored in bed?"   
  
"What?" she asked. He realized the question was slightly odd so he re-phrased,   
  
"Have you ever been with someone who doesn't care what you want in bed?"   
  
"No, but that's probably because I don't sleep with freaks."   
  
"Spike aside, right?" he asked quickly. The tone in the room was strange – it would be immediately suspected to be hostile and tense, but – not to claim that it was entirely void of such emotions – there was a weird amount of amiability in the conversation. Quips were taken as they should, as quips. Both defended their side of the argument devotedly but emotions were kept calmed. It was a type of conversation they had never had with each other before – for that matter, it was a conversation that none of the Scoobies had ever really had with each other. Conversations on Faith were usually avoided like the plague as was anything to do with Buffy's love life and more so, Buffy's love life compared to Faith's. Strange it was, without a doubt.   
  
"Can you do me a favor, Buffy… just picture yourself in this situation… just for a second."  
  
"I'll ignore the fact that this is something you do in second grade."   
  
"Sometimes we need to digress in order to understand things more maturely," he stated as though he had read it out of a psychology textbook. Buffy knew for a fact Xander hadn't ever seen, not to mention touched a psych textbook.   
  
"Fine."  
  
"Picture yourself completely alone – I mean, without anyone to turn to or-"  
  
"Got it, not that far of a stretch for me."   
  
"Okay," he accepted, "you're with this guy because you're lonely and really it's the only way you can see to have someone around you that at least feels like they're there for you and care about you…"  
  
"Once again, not a stretch," she admitted.   
  
"Okay, good, you can really do this then," he encouraged. "Now as a slight background note, you were raped by your mothers boyfriend the day you walked in to find her dead body. You can understand the trauma of walking in to find your mom…" he acknowledged, "but think of it a little worse because she killed herself and is still lying in a pool of blood."  
  
"Okay," Buffy answered, her tone becoming more and more serious each time.   
  
"You've done things with this guy before, but you haven't slept with him, or anyone for that matter except for when you were raped." Now Buffy's acknowledgement was a silence nod and Xander continued. "You're about to have sex with him and you're trying really hard to not think about what happened before because you don't want to freak out and have sex be an issue for you the rest of your life… but you don't want to tell this guy what happened to you because you know he wouldn't understand and probably wouldn't really care."  
  
"Nice," she muttered sadly.   
  
"Before you start you ask him to go slow, hoping maybe he'll pick up that you're a little nervous and the response you get is, 'you're giving *me* advice on how to do this?' Followed by an obnoxious, 'God, there's nothing more fucking annoying than a chick who can't keep her mouth shut.' You'd think the mood would be killed right there, but he didn't seem to think so… he does his thing and expects you to be happy with it. So, Buffy, how do you feel?"   
  
"Someone did that to her?" He shrugged and answered,   
  
"Probably made the whole thing up, right Buffy?" he asked cynically, "she probably had it all laid out to hit just the right emotions too…" he continued, "you know, like when we'd be together and I'd ask her if she was okay, or if it was okay and she'd glue her eyes either down at the floor or over at the wall and not answer… all part of her wicked little plan, right?"   
  
"I…" Buffy tried to force out some form of a response but could hardly muster a syllable.   
  
"You have no idea how long it took for her to be able to look at me… or talk to me… or the winner, believe me when I told her I loved her. She always thought I was just full of shit and that it was just a reflex for a guy to say that when he was getting some from a girl."  
  
"Did you?"   
  
"Huh?'   
  
"Did you love her? You said she didn't believe you… should she have? Did you really mean what you said to her?"   
  
"I don't want to-"  
  
"No, now I want to know," she demanded.   
  
"Yes. I loved her… I still love her," he admitted as though it was a thought he was allowing himself to admit to himself for the first time.   
  
"Then why did you break up with her?"   
  
"Because I loved her so much…" he explained, "I couldn't stand the thought of having someone or something take her away from me so I pushed her away myself. It doesn't really make sense when you say it."   
  
"Actually, that's not too far of a stretch for me to understand either."   
  
-----------  
  
Faith woke up letting out a painful scream. She tried to calm herself down but it took several minutes to regulate her breathing. She held her head in her hands trying to stop the flashing pictures that played on a constant reel on the back of her eyelids. She slowly sank back down on the bed resting her hand over her face letting herself imagine it was his calming hand wiping away her tears instead of her own. She stared blankly across the room rubbing her thumb softly across her cheek in a slow and soft rhythm trying to calm her senses as he did so many times.   
  
*'I love you… and you love me-'  
  
'No, I don't.'*   
  
She didn't even know how to make herself stop crying anymore. Pictures flashing through her head of him making love to her and how it felt and everything about it should have made her feel better, made her feel needed, but now they just made her feel worse. She knew what she had lost and she wanted it back. She knew she needed to get over it but she wasn't sure she could. She was never going to even meet another guy like him, let alone have him as hers. Xander knew everything about her – things she wished he didn't, even – but he knew it and he understood where she was coming from when she did things. He understood… she could be in a really rank mood and he'd get why, or she could be really quiet and he'd understand, or she could be obnoxious and loud and he'd know… no matter what mood or act or front she through at him he took it, understood it, and worked with it.   
  
Thinking about all the garbage he dealt with from her she understood why he wouldn't want her anymore. She knew she could never be with anyone like her – but that's what made him so fantastic, it was the fact that he knew her and still wanted her. She didn't have to hide anything… she didn't have to act any part for him… he knew her and he actually liked it. That was something she would never understand. Why would anyone want her? She couldn't blame him for what he did… if she were in his shoes she probably would've dumped her too. The idea brought back the feeling she got in the pit of her stomach when he broke it off with her. It made her both laugh and cry – the pain was so much but she wouldn't let herself feel sorry for herself. This wasn't her style – but then again, dating never was her style either. If someone had told her a few years ago that she was going to end up going steady with some guy, falling completely in love with him, and then having him dump her, not only would she not have believed them but they probably would've gotten an ass kicking too.   
  
But there was one thing she couldn't stop herself from thinking about – just what it felt like when he made love to her. She could admit it; he was probably the one and only guy to make love to her rather than just screw, fuck, whatever you want to call it. There was a big difference between them… she couldn't get it out of her head the way it felt with him. She had been his first and even then, not to say it lasted all that long or to say that he had any clue – but it always had a really intimate feel. He liked to hold her and touch her and look at her. It was always a little bit more about her than it was about him and that was a rare thing to come by with a guy. She could practically feel his hands on her arms and neck – that was how vivid the memory was. She could feel his lips grazing softly over her skin and the way he felt and smelled and tasted on top of her.   
  
She stood up off of the bed beads of sweat practically forming on her forehead thinking about him. She was going out. He had to get out of her head right now and she knew exactly how to do it – she had to go out.   
  
------------  
  
Xander left Buffy's house and headed back for the main headquarters as their conversation came to a closing. It was such a bazaar conversation that he felt like he couldn't even thinking about it anymore. He loved her… he wanted her back. Now rephrase – he needed her back. He had been on the borderline between running to go get her back and dealing with the pain, convinced it would surely fade and go away because it had been such a short-term thing. He forced himself to stop thinking about it to avoid doing something irrational. He walked into the house holding a few boxes of pizza and put them down on the counter.   
  
The food was well received by all and within about thirty seconds the kitchen was filled with everyone. Kennedy and Willow were the last to come in. Kennedy looked a little off… she seemed angry and disappointed mixed with her usual weird mood since Faith had left. Kennedy had taken it almost as hard as he had. She lost someone she looked up to and depended on. Faith was important to her… and she just left. Kennedy would never be able to realize how much it hurt Faith to have to leave her too.   
  
"So, how was everybody's day?" Xander asked grabbing a slice of pizza of out of the box.   
  
"Boring," Andrew answered.   
  
"I was working on that bookshelf," Wood began, "I could use some help with the electrical slot we wanted to put in it," he admitted. Xander nodded,   
  
"Yeah, no problem. He looked over at Willow to see how her day was going, "how're the files going?"   
  
"Umm… Xander, Faith called today," she spat out. The room went instantly silent as everyone hung on what she was saying.   
  
"Is everything okay? Is she okay?" he asked a little too quickly to pass it off as normal concern. "What's wrong?"   
  
"She actually called just wondering if you got the job with the construction company."   
  
"Yeah…" he muttered. "She was pretty excited when I mentioned it to her…"   
  
"She was really happy for you," Willow added.   
  
"What else did she say?" he asked eagerly.   
  
"She really didn't say anything else… she was disappointed you weren't home, but she was thrilled that you got the job," Willow assured him. He could tell by the tone of her voice that something was wrong.   
  
"Willow, what's wrong?"   
  
"I'm not going to lie, Xander, and we all know I'm not exactly president of Faith's fan club, never was never will be, but… she doesn't sound good. I was a little worried about her after talking to her on the phone for all of five minutes. She doesn't sound like she's doing so good."   
  
-----------  
  
Angel walked quickly down the corridor towards Faith's quarters in the Wolfram & Hart building. As he turned a sharp bend around the corner he ran right into Faith.   
  
"Whoa, sorry," she said quickly, startled by the collision.   
  
"It's alright. Are you okay?" he asked quickly, figuring she was coming to get him for something. Upon a second look at her it was fairly obvious that she was headed out.   
  
"I'm five by five. Where you rushing to?"   
  
"Coming to check on you, actually."   
  
"I'm going out," she stated firmly.   
  
"I don't really think that's a great idea right now. You're not feeling your best and there's going to vamps crawling the streets… I don't want you to get hurt."  
  
"I'm going off duty tonight. No vamps for me… just a little liquor and a hottie and I'll be set to go," she added trying to walk around him.   
  
"Faith, don't deal with it this way," he said almost begging.   
  
"As Xander would say, this is me *not* dealing… it's not a situation needing dealing, it's one that needs forgetting. And like I said, liquor and a hottie and it'll be history…"   
  
"I really don't want you to go."  
  
"Then I guess it's a good thing it's not up to you, huh?" she asked sharply. She walked around him and headed out of the building.   
  
---------  
  
"Where are you going?" Giles asked seeing Xander heading for the garage door with a small duffle bag and a coat.   
  
"L.A."   
  
"Why?"   
  
"I need to go make sure she's okay."  
  
"You could probably call… it's a lot easier and it takes about four less hours."  
  
"Not the way I drive."   
  
"Xander…"  
  
"Giles, I need her," he admitted. "I can't deal with this anymore so I'm going to get her." 


	22. Part XXII

Adjustment – Part XXII   
  
The buzz going throughout Slayer HQs was undeniable after Xander left. Everyone was talking about it but no one wanted anyone else to know they were talking about it. It was actually quite comical to watch two people such as Kennedy and Andrew discussing it and Wood would walk by and the room would be silent even though both of them would be discussing the issue with him in a matter of moments anyhow.   
  
Kennedy was both thrilled and a little scared of the entire situation. She wanted nothing else but for them to be back together but she knew it wasn't going to be an easy accomplishment. And she wasn't about to assume she had any idea what Faith had been up to since she had been in LA. She knew Faith wasn't over Xander – she doubted she ever would be – and she couldn't blame her. It made her a little nervous though – and she knew it had to be exponentially worse for Xander – just to think of the type of situation he was walking into in LA.   
  
---------  
  
The blaring music, the thick smell of liquor in the air, and the endless faces… are bars a great place or what? Faith walked into the bar feeling quite at home. It was one of LA's sleazier joints, kind of a club gone wrong atmosphere. It was too big to be just a bar but it seemed that the crowd attracted to the place was mostly there for the liquor. Tables and chairs covered the majority of the old dance floor filled with people who wanted to be right at the bar but showed up a little too late. Faith had showed up a hell of a lot later than anyone else who was there – most of them were already fairly boozed-up – but she didn't have any trouble getting a seat right at the bar. She walked over and by the time she was telling the bartender what she wanted, several men sitting around her quickly stood up and offered their seats. She sat down in the nearest one only giving the guy a quick nod of appreciation.   
  
--------  
  
"I don't speed," Xander announced to himself in the car as he drove ninety five miles an hour down the expressway. He was only thirty miles out from LA and he wasn't even going to look at the clock to find out what time it was because then he might have to admit that his last statement was false. His head was absolutely swimming with thoughts all only connected to each other because they somehow had to do with Faith. "I'm sure Giles drives fast too," he assured himself. "Good," he mocked himself, "Faith kills people, am I going to start doing that too?"   
  
--------  
  
Faith made eyes with a guy sitting a few seats away in the bar. He was a big guy with his jet black hair spiked up in the front concluding for her quickly that he thought he was real hot stuff. She wasn't saying that he wasn't really good looking, but it was clear by that and a lot more that he wasn't exactly the humble type. He was wearing dark jeans with a dark green muscle shirt under a leather jacket. He had a chain around his neck and almost always a cigarette in his hand… it was fairly obvious why he had caught her eye.   
  
He had been looking over at her since she walked in but she started by just giving him unappreciative glances as she drank. He was with about five other friends, most of which were about as good looking as he was but they were all clearly not very nice guys. They had the whole badass façade going nicely for them but she could tell – since she had been around plenty of guys like them – that they weren't just for show. They had done some dirty dealings and they liked it. But hey, she wasn't going to lie… it's not like she wasn't entirely aware of how that felt.   
  
---------  
  
"Okay…" Xander stated to himself – yes, Xander liked to talk to himself in the car – "just how big can LA be?" He drove down a couple of streets, all of which seemed to be main streets. Willow had given him directions to the Wolfram & Hart building but he had a strange anxious feeling working frantically inside of him. He eased it down knowing it was probably just him being scared out of his mind about walking up to Faith again and saying, 'hey, guess what? I lied about lying to you when I said I loved you…' especially knowing what she could do to him. He began having huge doubts as he drove slowly through the busy streets. What if she didn't want him back anymore? What if she hated him? There were plenty of what if's running through his mind but suddenly they all disappeared as he quickly stopped at a red light. He looked over to his left and saw a club without a sign that was only identifiable as such through the flashing lights coming out of the front door when people exited. He didn't know why but the place had her name written all over it.   
  
-----------  
  
Making eyes quickly turned into talking and flirting as the entire crew of guys migrated over to where Faith was sitting. The name of the guy with the green shirt turned out to be Paul; he took the seat right next to her and quickly shed his leather jacket showing off his very muscular build and assortment of tattoos scattered on his arms and shoulders. Their conversation had began with the usual, 'where'd you get your tat done?' to a little more hands on. The drinks continued to come and the entire lot of them appeared like they had known each other for ages.   
  
Faith was in her element. She had aimed low when she set out from W&H, only wanting a hottie – now she had a whole six of them hanging out around her talking like crazy as if she cared.   
  
"Damn, baby, you going to be able to stand up?" Paul asked as she downed probably her twelfth shot.   
  
"You should've said you liked to do it standing up earlier," she joked more with the rest of his friends than with him. She knew his type well – probably better than the back of her hand. He stood there battling with himself whether to be pissed off that she was joking at him or to be pleased that she was talking about sleeping with him. He decided a little too sluggishly, "So you going to sit over there and pout all night or are you going to come over here and buy me another drink?" He bit his lip – a gesture to show he was pissed off that she was pushing his buttons, since she had been doing it since he had walked over – but he stood up and moved so he was standing right next to her.   
  
"Yo," he called out loudly to the bartender.   
  
"Yeah?" the guy asked behind the bar a little pissed at his attitude.   
  
"How many times do I got to say it? I don't want to see this girl with an empty glass in front of her. Understand?"   
  
"You don't have to cop an attitude with me," the bartender answered trying to settle the quickly arising tension. The other five guys who were hanging with Paul began to stand up, ready to raise trouble if Paul gave them the signal.   
  
"If I see her glass empty again you're going to see me cop more than just a fucking attitude, alright?" The bartender responded by placing another shot and a Jack&Coke in front of Faith on the bar. She blew the bartender a kiss before turning to Paul with an almost smile – you couldn't let them know you were happy with them too soon.   
  
"That better?" Paul asked putting his arm around her neck and dancing his finger down her jaw.   
  
"When'd you get that one done?" she asked, dismissing his question and raising her hand up to his shoulder. She moved the material of his shirt slightly to the side to expose the entire black cross wrapped in barbed wire tattoo.   
  
"'Bout four months ago," he answered clearly liking the fact that she was touching him. She gently bit her lower lip before looking up at him and smiling seductively.   
  
"Paul, I'll be back in a minute," one of the other guys called out to him over the loud music. Paul nodded and the guy bent over and kissed Faith's shoulder gently then whispered in her ear, "I'll be right back." She turned away from Paul and towards this other guy,   
  
"I'll try not to miss you too much." He smiled and turned walking away with two other guys, leaving only two still at the bar with Paul. Faith turned back to Paul who had taken a step away from her since she turned. He was completely unsure of his ground with her and she was fine with it that way. He was comfortable enough on his own, she didn't need to foster that.   
  
Xander walked into the club quickly realizing it was probably more of a bar than anything else. There didn't seem to be anyone dancing and the lights seemed to just be helping people with their nausea once they had had too many drinks. He heard the bartender call over towards him and realized it was meant for the bouncer standing only a few feet away from him.   
  
"Start clearing them out, the cops are going to start showing up… there's too many people in here!" he called over from behind the bar.   
  
"Okay," the bouncer answered. Xander looked over towards the bartender as he spoke and the air seemed to be pulled out of his lungs. Before he could pride himself in knowing her so well to be able to look at a bar from the outside and know she was probably in it he was taken aback to see what she was doing. He saw Faith sitting at the center of the bar and it seemed like all the guys that weren't touching her were staring at her. There were at least a hundred people crowded between him and her but the strange slope on the floor made him higher so that he had a better view that he wanted.   
  
"What are you doing standing all the way over there?" she asked teasingly as she touched his stomach gently before gliding her hand down and grabbing his thick, brown, leather belt. She pulled him closer to her until his leg was touching her arm because he was standing so close. The stool she was sitting on was high but she was still well below his height and she could tell he liked being able to look down at her.   
  
"Hey," he questioned confidently, "you wanna go outside?"   
  
"Told you I knew you liked it standing up," she joked. He laughed and pulled her off of the stool into him. She stood there pressed against him tightly looking up at him – inside her head she had to admit he definitely wasn't Xander, but maybe that's what she needed right now. Xander was a million miles away and didn't want anything to do with her and she had to get used to that.   
  
"I'm ready."  
  
"I can tell," she answered with a grin.   
  
Xander felt the rage quickly accelerate through his body as he saw her with that other guy. He didn't realize how much that would bother him – but he was quickly finding out. Who the hell did that guy think he was touching her like that?   
  
"Hey, buddy," the bouncer called from behind Xander. "If you're not going to go get a drink I gotta ask you to leave. We're crowded."   
  
"My girlfriend's over there," he answered. He wasn't sure why he answered that way but it just sort of slipped out. The bouncer looked over to the bar and saw Faith with Paul.   
  
"Buddy, that's not your girl."   
  
"Why do you say that?"   
  
"She's hot. You're… you've got the whole eye thing… she's a hot Hollywood girl. Lemme tell you, these girls don't want guys like us… she wants a guy like that," he said pointing towards Paul. "See," he added as the two of them began to make their way towards the back door. "A girl like that wants a hot guy with big pockets…"   
  
Sirens could just barely be heard from far off in the distance of the city. Word got out fast when this place was overcrowded. Due to the usual clientele, the police were usually overly aware of everything going on in this place and took any opportunity they could to write them a summons.   
  
"Listen, buddy, I gotta kick you out. There's too many people in here…"   
  
"Yeah," Xander answered never taking his eye off of Faith leaving through the other door. He backed out of the entrance trying to keep sight of her as long as he could. Finally he walked out and turned, walking quickly towards the left of the building. He got almost all the way around but he hit a high gate with a chain around it. There was no way through it. He cursed loud enough for anyone nearby to hear and quickly detoured around the other way to find the way to the back.   
  
------------  
  
  
  
Faith walked out the door with Paul right behind her. He had his hands around her waist and pulled her to a stop right at the door. She turned and watched him make a small barricade on the door so no one could come out the way they had.   
  
"I don't want anyone bothering us," he explained. She nodded – the whole night had been full of signs that he wasn't exactly the safest guy in the world, but as far as she was concerned at this point, what guy was?   
  
He stepped forward and kissed her forcefully and quickly walking her backwards towards a brick wall. They hit the wall with a forceful thud, one she knew would leave a bruise, but it felt good. He ran his hands all over her body – pressing hard against her. She continued to push Xander out of her head – it had been a long time since a guy had touched her this way but it's what she needed and what she wanted right now. She needed something that was going to make her forget all the sweet, soft, loving things she had gotten way too used to, and bring back the part of her that craved this physical foreplay. She ran her hand under his shirt and up to his chest stroking it forcefully and scrapping her nails against his flesh.   
  
He grabbed at the waist of her jeans and unbuttoned them without a problem – obviously a little bit of a pro. As she raised her hand up his chest she reached the bottom of his chain necklace and tugged on it lightly. He pulled away from the kiss but still kept her firmly planted against the wall with his thighs and legs. She looked up at him and he undid the chain necklace and put it up against her neck. She watched him skeptically knowing these kinds of things usually didn't get you any nice presents like a necklace. Place a few preliminary kisses on her neck he fastened the chain around her neck. It was a lot heavier than it looked on him but she liked it.   
  
She was quickly caught off guard as he grabbed the necklace in one of his hands and pulled it tight against her neck quickly making it hard for her to breathe. In the same movement that he jerked the chain against her throat he reached behind his back and pulled out a knife.   
  
"I like it rough, what can I say?" he said staring into her eyes.   
  
"Doesn't anyone just want to fuck anymore?" She shoved him as much as she could with her left hand against his shoulder causing him to step back a few steps. He lunged forward with the knife and she blocked it with her right hand, feeling the sharp blade cut through her skin.   
  
Xander ran around the corner of the building hearing a scream that he knew belonged to Faith. It wasn't loud or high pitched but he could tell it was filled with more fear than she would ever admit. He turned the corner and saw the knife cut through her hand viciously.   
  
When he lunged forward and cut her hand – she had grabbed the knife trying to pull it out of his grasp, making the wound deeper, but she hadn't been able to get it away from him. Knowing it was futile to cut her hand any more than she already had, using the same momentum he had when he lunged at her she pushed his back in the same direction sending him straight into the brick wall they had both just been leaning against.   
  
Then she heard it. The sickening sound she had become more familiar with than she would've ever wanted. She heard the throaty gasp as he hit the wall and she knew he wouldn't be turning around again. He remained standing for a few more moments but then quickly fell down in a heap. The knife was right into his chest – probably right through his heart. There was blood everywhere in an instant. She realized she hadn't taken a breath in a long time and when she started again they were quick and fairly useless.   
  
"Faith," Xander called as he ran up to her. Everything had happened so quickly, he hadn't stopped running since he heard her scream but just now he was reaching her. She turned to him quickly but without a response. He could tell she was quickly drifting into shock as he looked down at the dead body by her feet.   
  
The sirens that could be heard in a distance were now right out front and Xander knew it. He grabbed her, knowing she wasn't going to be able to move. His heart screamed knowing what she must be going through. For Faith to not even be able to act indifferent to something but to stand there unable to think, he didn't even have the right to pretend he knew how she felt.   
  
"Faith, we gotta go. Now!" he screamed grabbing her waist and pulling her down the ally he had just come from. She followed him in what seemed like a daze – she couldn't think or feel. She just knew there was a dead guy and it was because of her. She had killed again – after all she had been through, she did it again! It didn't matter that she didn't mean it or that it was in self defense – they weren't going to care. They were just going to chalk it up as another murder to add to her list. She didn't know where she was going or why but she just went where she was being pulled. Her legs were numb and the only reason she was even moving was because he was practically carrying her the entire time.   
  
As they made it back onto the street they heard several police officers on their radios calling something in. She could only guess that someone had walked to the back of the building and found Paul. Xander must've heard the new bustle of noise not that far from them because she felt him adjust his grip on her waist and push her stronger, urging her to go faster. She didn't even know why they were bothering to run away. Running never worked… it just didn't. As much as she did it she knew it didn't work. She was tired of running away. They were just going to find her and lock her up for the rest of her life anyway.   
  
Xander just kept urging her forward not allowing himself to over-think the situation because all he knew was that they needed to get out of there, and fast.   
  
"Faith, let's go! Come on… come on," he pushed. They ran along the back of an ally and down a few side streets until the atmosphere became less glitzy and much more rundown. She didn't know where they were going and she didn't really care. He could be running her straight into a jail cell and she wouldn't know. Who knew, maybe he was.   
  
It both felt like forever and a single moment when they stopped running. Xander stopped by a building in a parking lot trying to catch his breath. He mostly looked down at the ground as he regained his composure avoiding any eye contact with her.   
  
"Okay, we can stay here… I can't run anymore." She looked around for the first time and noticed they were in the parking lot of a really run down looking motel strip. "Let's go get a key," he suggested but quickly revoked it once he looked at her. Her hand was bleeding really badly and judging by the expression on her face, it hurt equally as badly. He led her over to the corner of the building of the boxcar style rooms – it was shadowed and out of sight. "Faith," he said firmly making her look up at him. "Don't move," he demanded. She didn't even blink in response just returned her dazed focus onto the pavement. He looked at her hand again, the blood dripping from it almost in a steady stream. "Hold it," he instructed picking her other hand up to it. She did so but didn't look up at him with a response.   
  
He hesitantly left her there and walked quickly over to the management office. It was small and damp with clustered papers and various other things. There was even a random pillow thrown in the corner of the floor for whatever reason. Hopefully the rooms were better than the office. It was a doubtful hope, but he had to hope.   
  
"Excuse me," he called over to the man behind the makeshift counter. He was intently watching a small, portable, black and white television set. With the adrenaline pumping through his veins and the thought of Faith standing out there alone with a badly wounded hand he quickly became less polite. "Hey, I need a room!"   
  
"We're full," the guy answered smugly.   
  
"This place is full?" he asked doubtingly. The guy's girlfriend got up off of a chair and walked towards the counter.   
  
"Nice eyepatch," she mentioned flirtatiously. She snapped her gum loudly and let out a little giggle.   
  
"I need a room."   
  
"Fifty bucks."   
  
"Fine," he answered pulling his wallet out of his pocket. He put sixty down on the counter in twenties.   
  
"Don't have any change."   
  
"Fine, give me a nice room," he sardonically answered. That got a laugh out of both of them and she tossed a key down in front of him.   
  
------------  
  
The phone rang and Willow picked it up. Kennedy watched from the next room. It was either Xander of Buffy – she could tell since Willow almost immediately migrated upstairs out of earshot from everyone else.   
  
"How's Xander doing?" Buffy asked curiously.   
  
"Why do you ask?" Willow asked, knowing it couldn't just be a coincidence.   
  
"We had a small fight… but it was weird, it was more of a talk."   
  
"Well, he's in LA right now."   
  
"Are you kidding?"   
  
"No. Who knows what he's doing… Faith called and I told him and he basically ran out of the door. But she didn't sound good. I had to tell him…"   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
"She sounded terrible. Like she hadn't slept since she left or something… I was worried and apparently so was he."   
  
"Will, I have a really strange question."  
  
"Life is full of strange questions. Go for it."   
  
"Why does everyone assume she's better in bed than me? I mean, I'm not really looking for answer or a comparison or anything… but, you know, you said it a while ago. Why's Faith the 'do that' girl?"   
  
"Well, I… I guess you can really just look at her and know," Willow answered with a small laugh. "Why do you care that people think she's good in bed?"   
  
"It bothers me… it's just assumed that she's better than everyone and… I don't know."  
  
-----------  
  
"Come on," Xander said appearing around the corner of the building. She was in the same spot still holding her hand like he told her to but he could tell she was starting to feel the effects of losing so much blood. She didn't move at his request but looked up at him this time.   
  
"I didn't mean it… I really didn't… I-"  
  
"Faith, we have to get you inside," he said firmly cutting her off. She balked, leaning back against the wall away from him but he stepped forward and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her forward again. They walked along the line of rooms until they came to room nine. Xander quickly unlocked the door and made her go in first. He took a quick look around outside to make sure there wasn't anything suspicious going on then entered the room. He noted that it contained a very similar odor to the office he had just been in as he turned and locked the door tightly, flipping the light on. At first he was mad at how dim it was but then he realized it might be a good thing to not draw attention to their room. He slid all of the shades closed so no one could look in then turned to see how she was doing. Now that they were somewhere considerably safer than outside he could allow himself to think about her again.   
  
She was standing off to the side of the room looking down at her hand. The blood was pooling outside of her gripped hand and drawing streaks of red down her uncut hand. He allowed himself to be distracted momentarily, lingering his gaze on her face. Her face was practically covered in a nervous sweat and even now as she stood there trying to mask her panic he could see her chest struggling to maintain an even rhythm of breath. She caught his eye as he looked at her face for several long moments.   
  
"I didn't mean it," she managed to say through her broken and dry tone. "I didn't mean to kill him… I was just…"  
  
"Let's clean up your hand," he answered almost coldly. He heard his voice and the hard tone in which he delivered the plain statement. It was all he could do to not let his shaking legs give underneath him. The adrenaline pumping through his body was leaving its aftereffect now and his muscles felt weak and fatigued but his brain was still racing with everything that had just happened.   
  
"Xander, I didn't-" she began to argue. He stepped towards her grabbing her arm and pulled her along side him towards the bathroom. He turned the light on to show the dirty tiled floor and the unkempt sink. He turned the water on, wanting to let it run for a moment, then turned back to her. He avoided looking directly into her eyes because he didn't want to acknowledge all the emotions running through him. He wanted to be able to help her and take care of her then he could worry about himself. That was the way he had always been… it was the same for their relationship too in a way. He spent so much time worrying about her and what she was going through that he ignored himself until it was too intense to ignore anymore.   
  
"I didn't mean it," she repeated, needing desperately to know he believed her. "I swear…"   
  
"Give me your hand," he stated in a detached tone. She didn't move so he reached down and gripped her wrist, guiding it almost forcefully towards the running water. A part of her just wanted to completely submit to him and let him just take care of her but as usual that was the unheard part of her. She quickly jerked her hand away from him defiantly, probably far more aggressively than she needed to – her strength being exponentially more than his – and as she jerked it upward she smacked it painfully into the edge of the wall.   
  
What was originally anger quickly changed into a painful knot in his stomach as he heard what could only be described as a whimper escape her lips. She grabbed her hand again and turned her face away from him and towards the room rather than the bathroom. The pain shooting through her hand made tears threaten to fall down her cheeks but with a clenched jaw and forced breath she held them on the brink.   
  
She had become used to people backing off and leaving her alone when she was angry or acting standoffish so it was a real shock when she felt him reach around and grab her wrist again and pull it towards the water. The shock was enough that she let him do so without any hesitation or defense.   
  
"You're always so damn stubborn," he muttered, bringing her hand under the cold water. It stung and she quickly jerked her hand but this time he held fast and she gave in. He held her hand there for several moments only letting it go when he knew she wouldn't take it away. He grabbed a towel that was hanging up on the rack and walked over to the wall she had just hit her hand against. "Making a mess," he muttered again as he wiped the blood off of the wall. She watched him as his back was turned – he was tense. His hand shook slightly as he cleaned the wall and the free hand trembled noticeably as it hung at his side. It didn't make her feel any better though – she was freaking out just about as much as he was. She still felt like she couldn't breathe and her heart was racing even as she stood there completely still.   
  
He turned back towards her then nervously glanced back at the wall as if he were checking to make sure it was still clean. He walked over and stood right beside her looking down into the sink at her hand. He put his hand to hers and turned it so he could see the cut better; it was deep – she was a Slayer and it was still bleeding pretty badly. It had started to slow but the drain was still taking down red liquid. Feeling his body against hers she glanced over at him and asked,   
  
"What are you doing here?" for the first time.   
  
"Saving your ass, I guess," he stated plainly. He wasn't looking at her, he still had his eyes fixed down at the sink but he felt her tilt her head towards him as if to rest it on his shoulder. He quickly walked away from the sink before she did. He glanced around for something clean to wrap her hand with.   
  
She took a breath trying to keep herself as calm as she could. All signs were pointing directly at the fact that he wasn't all that thrilled to see her. She had just slowly begun to realize that it was actually him – with everything that had happened, and so quickly, she had hardly even connected the fact that he was here, in LA, obviously for only a handful of possible reasons. But it was pretty obvious that right now he didn't want to be bothered. She needed someone right now – this was all just a little too much for her to handle. She had gone out tonight just for the sake of helping her deal with some of the shit going on in her head and now it was worse. Him just being here was all that was keeping her from going absolutely ballistic and both of them were fairly aware of that.   
  
She looked up at the dirty mirror just over the sink and the shiny, chain necklace grabbed her attention forcefully. She immediately picked both of her hands up in a panic reaching to get it off of her. She could feel the cut in her hand tearing open again, undoing any healing that had occurred since it happened, and the blood drip onto her neck and collarbone. Her knees went numb and she felt like she was going to pass out.   
  
"Get it off of me! Get it off! Get off! Just get it off!" she yelled in a state of sheer panic bordering hysterics. He heard the sudden movement and looked over at her and quickly realized what had set her off. Without a word he went up behind her – just his body against hers immediately calmed her nerves to a certain extent,   
  
"I got it… I'll make it go away," he assured her soothingly, yet in his own form of a panic stricken tone, as he unfastened it and took it off her neck quickly. He put the chain in his jean pocket and put her hand back under the water. His soothing tone wasn't something she was unfamiliar with but it seemed to come out of nowhere from his previous coldness. She stared in the dirty mirror fixatedly, as though she was scared the necklace was going to appear with it's owner around her neck again. Her mind began to viciously play with her – she could practically feel his lips on her neck kissing her with the strong smell of liquor so close to her face emanating off of him as though he had put the scent on as a perfume or body spray.   
  
Xander continued to occupy himself in looking for a something clean to wrap her hand with. He glanced back over at her hearing the tenseness of her breathing from across the room. He looked at her reflection in the mirror as well and watched her pick her other hand up and try and wipe away the blood from her neck and chest. He walked over with the towel he used to clean the wall,   
  
"Here," he offered almost coldly again. She stared at him – what seemed to be – blankly then took the towel from him and replaced her eyes upon the mirror. She stared into it as she wiped the blood off of her streaming the calming phrase, 'it's okay, stop it, it's okay,' repeatedly through her mind to keep from screaming. She felt like just shrieking and she couldn't. Even if she let herself there probably wouldn't be anything left to come out.   
  
Finally giving up on the attempt to find anything clean anywhere in this room he unbuttoned his flannel over shirt and quickly took it off. He had a white, cotton undershirt on that he guessed would be the best thing to wrap it with. He pulled it over his head, draping his other shirt on the rack. He walked back to her, standing right next to her and he felt her shaking.  
  
"You cold?"   
  
"No," she answered quietly, shaking her head.   
  
"You're shaking," he stated as he turned off the water. He rolled his shirt so it was like a long strip of material and laid it flat across her hand.   
  
"Little bit," she answered, watching him carefully wrap his shirt around her hand. "So are you," she added, gently touching his bare stomach with her other hand. She stroked his stomach slowly and delicately with her fingers, watching them as she drew small, abstract shapes on his skin. Small bumps formed on his skin reacting to the delicate touch of her fingers.  
  
"Well, I'm cold," he answered firmly. He finished wrapping her hand and stepped back from her touch. He wanted to bring up the fact that he had watched her with her hands all over another guy only a short time ago but he knew better than to bring up the now dead guy. She stepped forward towards him trying to connect her hand to his skin again, fixating her glance on his stomach very similarly as she did to the mirror. He turned away from her and reached for his shirt – he wanted her; he could barely lie to her, he certainly couldn't lie to himself. He had wanted her since the day she left… hell, he had wanted her since the first time he laid eyes on her… it's why he drove out here as fast as he could. He missed her – all he wanted was to be able to hold her and touch her but he was still shaking because of what had happened. And he could tell she was freaked.   
  
"Xander, I need somebody," she admitted, walking back up to him and touching his waist with her hand. She ran her other hand carefully – due to the cut – on his chest up towards his shoulder, and leaned towards him. "I need you."   
  
"Somebody sounds more like it," he answered stepping away from her again.   
  
"I didn't mean it… I didn't want to kill him, he just-"  
  
"I saw the whole thing."   
  
"You did?" she asked, her tone slightly relieved.   
  
"Yeah, I did. I even saw you two inside."   
  
"Baby, I… I was just-"  
  
"Faith, we're not together. It doesn't matter. It's fine," he answered both bitterly and cold.  
  
"It's not fine!" she yelled walking away from him. She walked back into the bedroom, "I'm freaking out here! I don't know what to do… I need you. I need to cool down, and you think it's okay to play like this? I can't-" she stammered pacing around the room frantically, barely making sense with what she was saying. She fidgeted as she walked, rolling her head back and forth and moving her uncut hand spasmodically.   
  
"You need to calm down," he cautioned walking after her. The last thing they needed was to make a scene.   
  
"I know," she admitted turning to face him. "Please, Xander… just take me," she practically begged. "I need you and I need it now … just this once, okay?"   
  
"Faith," he calmed stepping up to her closely and touching her arms. "Stop, okay?" he pleaded, the familiar warmth returning to his tone. Hearing her practically whine 'just this once, okay?' he was surprised he didn't start to cry. He literally could only liken her tone to a drug attic begging to borrow money when she still owed payment from the last loan. He felt like her voice made his wall that he put up in front of her just crumble. He loved her so much and seeing and hearing her, clearly in just so much pain and need he wanted to do anything that would make it better.  
  
"Just…" she began as she guided his lips towards her neck. Her voice disappeared as his lips met her neck softly. "I need you so bad," she murmured softly in his ear as he kissed her neck.   
  
"I love you," he whispered into the warm skin of her neck. She immediately turned stiff as a rod and shook her head softly against his.   
  
"Stop it," she sighed as she shied away from him and lifted her hand up to his face and pushed him slightly away from her neck to make her protest clear. She touched his face ever so gently that he wasn't sure how to react. They had been through this all before; it was a tough thing to judge for him. She hated hearing it when she didn't think it was completely genuine, but she absolutely loved hearing it when she knew it was the truth.   
  
"Sorry," he apologized not knowing how else to handle it. Here he was with the girl he was madly in love with wrapped in his arms as she's going through more than any person should ever have to and he said something that he knows triggers a defense in her head. He didn't understand it but he accepted it because he knew it honestly came from a reflex inside of her and it completely shut her down if it wasn't obeyed.   
  
His tone was soft and caressing and he slowly brought his face back to hers and kissed the corner of her mouth delicately.   
  
"Just take me," she demanded, as though she snapped off the trigger. He couldn't and wouldn't ignore his emotions anymore – but in the back of his mind he knew he didn't like how she was approaching all of this. It made him uncomfortable, the way she was acting, but he accepted it, knowing how much she was affected by the events of that night. One thing the two of them certainly had in common though was that – both of them dealt with it differently but – they were extremely emotional people. He walked her back until they reached one of the walls with a slight thud. She moaned softly into his hair as he continued to devour her neck while running his hands up and down her body. She reached for the buttons on her shirt but quickly stopped, realizing the attempt was futile with the makeshift bandage on her hand. He quickly raised his hands to the buttons on her shirt and undid them kissing her skin at each button as he undid them. As he moved down her stomach she leaned her head back against the wall tak  
  
ing deep breaths and tilting her gaze down to watch him. As the last button was undone he retraced his path until he was standing erectly eyelevel with her.   
  
She reached her unwounded hand forward and grabbed his hip, pulling him closer to her before starting to pull on his belt and undo his pants. He knew full well that she only needed one hand to get his pants undone so he ran both of his hands through her hair, holding the sides of her face firmly as he kissed her. He kissed her stronger than he ever had before – he didn't know why but the heat of the moment, what had happened that night, and what had kept them apart for weeks made him feel rushed and hungry. He wanted her so badly he could barely stand it.   
  
He felt his jeans fall to the ground and by the time he got one of his hands untangled from her hair and down to her hips he only needed to help push her tighter pants down. He thought he wanted her right now! – she quickly proved that she needed him a lot faster. He motioned to go over to the bed and she practically scolded him, pulling him into her again. So he took her right there, standing up only a few feet away from a bed… it was too far away for her. She moaned urgingly as he took her – she leaned reliantly on the bare wall burying her face on the side of his as he panted on and kissed her neck.   
  
The two of them – now so connected it was unbelievable how separate their thoughts were. Xander had for the first time in a very long time allowed himself to just act on his emotions, feeling relieved at the freedom in it and the pleasure. He wanted her so badly for so many reasons. He wanted her back – he missed her and loved her and didn't want to be without her any longer. Seeing her with another guy had infuriated him and only further proven how much he needed her back. When Willow had told him that she didn't sound good, that she was suffering he just couldn't stand it any longer. He knew deep inside of him how much he had hurt her when he broke up with her but hearing it stated so clearly by Willow made alarms go off in his head. With what had happened that night – he still could barely understand everything going on in his head. He had watched everything – he had seen a guy try and really hurt a girl he really loved and then witnessed the girl he loved kill someone. It was a part of her he kn  
  
ew and a part of her that really terrified him on many levels, not just for his own safety but for her own as well. He knew what it did to her inside – it killed her slowly while it made her feel more alive. It fucked with her and he hated it. He made love to her as passionately as he could that night – everything inside of him he wanted it to be with her. He wanted to just forget what had come between them and allow her to have him as she had so willingly given herself to him.   
  
Faith had drifted away quickly after he had said those words – I love you – she continued with what they were doing but inside she had switched herself off. She didn't see it that way… not anymore. She wouldn't let herself do that again. Hearing those words escape his lips and run right into her ears reminded her of what she had thought they had in the past… the feelings of so much good and comfort lasted but only a small second before all of the pain and heartbreak fell upon it like a cascade of bricks.   
  
They say a person loses consciousness in various catastrophic accidents because the person is unable to handle the amount of pain being imposed on their body at that time. Really that is exactly what Faith does – it's too much pain to deal with so she switches off internally, only to come back when the pain is rationed out in smaller doses.   
  
As much as she wanted to let herself feel like it was him again – just like it had been when they were together – she couldn't let herself do it. It was like a switch had been hit and it was all just blank… it didn't matter, even if she wanted it to. When he touched her it was bad versus good, there weren't the layers and complicated feelings involved.   
  
It was very different from anything they had ever done before. Even the first time they were ever together – it was soft. That's not to say it wasn't rushed and short lived – as the situation called for – but it was still sweet. He was such a gentleman it was hard to make it any other way, especially when he didn't know any different. When they had been together it ranged from soft and slow to passionate and long… when they were together she let it mean something. She learned from that mistake already.   
  
That's not to say that the situation wasn't challenging her denial based skills. Her subconscious must've been working on overload to be able to convince her that he was no different from any of the others… because he was just that. He was completely different. He loved her… that alone made the way he treated her while he was with her entirely different. But as hard as it was, through pent up anger and frustration and rage and hate she was able to make the nicest feelings be discarded and turned into meaningless junk in her mind. She wanted it to mean nothing – and the fact that it meant so much to him made it so hard – but as she said, 'lifetime of practice.' She was able to turn everything he had done – because he loved her and cared about her so much – into meaningless crap that every guy had done to her just because they wanted to use her and leave her. She used his passionate, almost rough, style against him as him just interested in himself and that night, when from an outside perspective – one   
  
she wasn't completely unaware of – he wasn't doing anything wrong.   
  
Catching his breath he looked at her face, looking deeply into her eyes as he held her body close to his. She looked into his eyes for a short moment then changed her gaze onto his chest. He looked down at her hair and ran his fingers through it carefully, pulling it away from one side of her face. He lowered his head and kissed her cheek gently then rubbed her face with his thumb, still holding her hair back with that hand.   
  
He watched her knowing he would never stop being amazed by how beautiful she was. Her shoulders rose and fell slightly with her forced breath and her lips were just barely parted as she stared at his chest. She was still wearing a black bra under her shirt which was only unbuttoned, not taken off. It was a very dark red shirt which was fitted and had a collar with buttons the entire way down. He looked slightly to the side and saw that it was also short sleeved as opposed to the sleeveless shirts he had become accustomed to seeing her wear. He noted in his mind that it seemed almost strange to see her and not be able to see the tattoo on her arm in it's entirety – it was slightly covered by the sleeve.   
  
"Are you alright?" he asked softly lowering his head and tilting it slightly trying to get her to look at him.   
  
"I'm fine," she answered lifting her lips up to his before he could even look into her eyes. He rubbed her cheek lovingly with his thumb as she kissed him, walking him back towards the bed. Getting the hint that she was far from finished, he ran his hand on the side of her waist up her back behind the shirt and slowly took it off of her, kissing her lovingly as he did. He felt the bed hit the back of his legs and he stopped walking but didn't rush taking her shirt off – he loved just kissing her too. She tried to rush him by beginning to take the shirt off on her own but he continued to help her slide it off her arms behind her back, keeping his chest close against hers. As it fell to the floor he brought his hands up to her side running his hands over the lacy material of her bra, remembering how many times he had felt the material and the curves it covered.   
  
He parted his lips from hers and began to softly kiss the front of her neck as he slowly ran his hands over her bra, tracing it behind her back and over her shoulders with his gentle fingers. He was surprised, if not shocked when he felt her hands press roughly on his shoulders then push him back forcefully onto the bed. As a reflex his arms wrapped around her back and pulled her down with him. He landed on the bed on his back looking up at her; she landed on top of him with one hand planted next to his face supporting her upper body as she pushed her hair out of her face with the other. He noticed the hand she used to move her hair didn't have the bandage on it, meaning the one that did was what she was holding herself up with. He went to say something, not wanting her to hurt herself just to please him but he was quickly silenced as she lowered herself to him and engulfed his mouth with hers.   
  
-----------  
  
"Need a cocktail?" Lorne asked as he sat down in one of the overstuffed, leather sofa chairs in Angel's office. Angel seemed to snap out of his daze he had drifted into. Wesley had been in there with him practically the entire night and Lorne had come in a drink or two earlier. Gunn and Fred were playing a friendly game of cards over one of the coffee tables, sitting cross legged on the floor. Angel looked at his watch again and then up at Wesley almost pleadingly,   
  
"It's almost four… she should be back by now."   
  
"Maybe they asked her to stay the night," Gunn muttered to Fred. Despite his attempt to keep what he said quiet, the tension in the room seemed to carry his voice to everyone else's ears.   
  
"She said she was going out, did she not?" Wesley asked in the tone he had managed to maintain all night long as Angel had began worrying around midnight.   
  
"It's almost four in the morning!"   
  
"Next time you'll be sure to give her a curfew…"   
  
"I don't need the sarcasm, Wesley," Angel scolded.   
  
"When I was Faith's watcher I grew very accustomed to accepting when she said she was going out that I would probably not see her till the middle of the next day if I was lucky…"   
  
"What could she be doing?" Angel asked frantically. Gunn exchanged glances with Lorne and Fred then continued his game of cards with Fred.   
  
"What did you think she was going out to do?" Lorne asked in a relaxed tone from chair. "She's a pretty, young girl… let her have some fun."   
  
"Faith having fun in the state she's in… not really all that fun."   
  
"Angel, Faith… she's… she's a…"   
  
"Party animal is the term you're looking for," Gunn inserted in.   
  
"Right," Wesley agreed, "she likes to have a good time… and I don't think the girl's owned a watch since I met her. She just lost track of time and she'll be back-"  
  
"She'd call if she were in trouble, right?" Angel asked, then realized how absurd his idea sounded.  
  
"Angel, she's a big girl," Wesley added, trying to get him to accept the fact that he shouldn't feel like he had to baby-sit her.   
  
"And it's not like she's going to put herself in a bad position or-"  
  
"I don't think there's any new bad situations left for her to get into!"  
  
"Alright, enough," Gunn said standing up. "Faith's a smart girl, okay? Granted I don't know her as good as either of you, but listen – the girls wanted for how many crimes by the federal police? She broke out of a maximum security prison and they still haven't caught her… the girls got some cells working for her," she said pointing to his head as he spoke. "I'm not going to lie, she's probably out there getting completely trashed, she'll find a honey for the night and be back in the morning."   
  
"You think that's okay? You think it's healthy for her to just let someone use her like that and then forget about it in the morning?" Angel asked standing up. Gunn quickly followed up his explanation of how many police were after Faith and he quickly added,   
  
"Angel, she went out because she needed to forget about things… she wanted to get out of here and, want to believe it or not, she wanted to get away from everyone. I doubt she's going to be anywhere she thought anyone would find her… Yeah, you're a vamp and you can creep the night better than anyone, but she's a slayer man, she's not going to be found unless she wants to be. Add together the life she had growing up and the fact that she's an ass-kicking slayer – that girl piss drunk is slicker than all of us put together."   
  
--------------  
  
That had since traded spaces and Xander looked down at her as he hovered over her, thrusting slowing in and out of her. She had one of her arms wrapped around his back and the other around his shoulder holding him tightly against her. He felt her start to tremble softly underneath him and he knew she was reaching her peak. His lips were only a few inches from hers and he could see all of the individual beads of sweat on her face. Slowing his rhythm as he felt her muscles begin to clench against him, he took his hand and wiped her face gently. He ran his hand across her cheek and into her hair, pushing the strands away from her face. She turned her face towards his hand and he could feel her hot, shallow breath against his hand. She began by kissing his hand but as her body began to shake less subtly the kisses became her simply resting her lips gently on his hand, moving them just barely as she breathed.   
  
He had slowly decelerated his motion and he slowly came to a halt and rested his body on top of hers feeling her tremble delicately under him. He stayed inside of her as he rested there looking down at her admiringly. He blinked the focused his gaze on her face. Other than the disappearing trembles she was completely still; he could feel her hot breath on his skin but her chest barely moved. The feel of her body and the smell of her skin were things he remembered so sharply and he didn't know how he could live a day without them. As he looked down at her he couldn't even fathom how he had given her away… he had just pushed her out of his life. He knew he had his reasons why he had done what he had done but they all seemed so unimportant as he lied there inside of her tasting her breath. He missed and loved Anya and he hadn't grieved the way he needed to but why did he need to do that without Faith? And then there was the fact that he knew he couldn't handle losing someone who he loved this much again.   
  
He still struggled with that possibility and that chance of so much pain but he was beginning to realize that the pain of someone else taking her away was only fractionally worse than having himself take her away.   
  
He blinked; the duration of his thoughts had only been between the last time he blinked until this one. She sighed softly before she lifted her lips to his luring him down closer to her. Kissing her was unlike kissing anyone else; she was so powerful and aggressive yet so incredibly sensitive and compensating. It didn't matter how badly or off angle he kissed her at, she compensated for him and still made every kiss incredible.   
  
----------------  
  
"Officer Stevenson, the results to the print sample you asked for came back. There aren't any prints on the knife except his." Stevenson let out a long, tired sigh,   
  
"Alright… umm, do we have statements from anyone?"   
  
"Yes Sir, there were a couple of his friends inside."   
  
"What'd they say?" The younger officer took out his pad of paper and flipped through it for a few moments before answering,   
  
"They all had basically the same story – they said he was in there with a girl, a couple of them left for a few minutes and the ones that stayed said he went outside with her. None of them saw him again… but I do have to add that none of the friends passed any level of the sobriety test."   
  
"He left with a girl?"   
  
"It's a bar, Sir, that's usually the point…" he answered, trying to add some levity to his clearly tired and frustrated boss.   
  
"Get a sketch."   
  
"Excuse me?"   
  
"I want a sketch of the girl… right now she's the only suspect."  
  
"You think a girl, who they described as quote, hot and nice, which I had to have translated to thin, killed him? Sir, with all due respect, that's a big, strong guy…"   
  
"In my years on the job, I've run into a case or two involving a girl who's a hell of a lot stronger than she looks…" his words seemed to sink into his own head and it appeared to click, "get me a sketch, now!"   
  
-------------  
  
"Faith…" he panted. He could barely get any words out he was so out of breath. He knew for a fact he had never had sex so many times in a row in his life – not even in any of his wildest fantasies! The thought that maybe he had never had sex that many times ever was also a possibility… It had been hours since they had even slowed down… both of them were absolutely covered in sweat. He was sore and quickly growing fatigued – he knew he probably didn't even compare next to her level of stamina, but he was tired two hours ago… he knew there was no way she wasn't. He didn't want to stop anything – it felt so good and she clearly had no intention of stopping but he just couldn't go anymore.   
  
She slid up on him, grinding down hard onto him as she did, and brought her lips to his again, covering up his voice. She moved from his lips to his cheek then down to his neck, kissing him ravenously as she maintained the sensual rhythm with her hips. As she felt him cum inside of her again she bit his ear teasingly, barely slowing her rhythm. He brought his arms around her waist and held her close to him trying to slow her to halt. She slowed and changed the rhythm and direction but it was obvious that she again, had no intention of having it end.   
  
"I need a break…" he finally got out as his lips were freed from hers. She stopped and threw her hair back again then lowered her lips to his and kissed him hungrily for a few short minutes. He was relieved when she stopped and kept kissing him – he was scared it would upset her or maybe make her angry, but she seemed to understand. Even the best things in life have to come to an end – he finally understood the true meaning of that saying… He had never experienced something more pleasurable than this but he didn't think he could go any longer. He ran his hands caressingly across her back and waist as she kissed him.   
  
It couldn't have been more than five minutes before she guided herself over him again and began to grind her hips into him.   
  
"Faith," he spoke almost in a plea. She brought her lips just over his and whispered,   
  
"Shhh," soothingly then tilted her head and kissed his neck, never changing her intent.   
  
"Faith, I really can't anymore…" he admitted. He felt almost embarrassed but he felt like he was going to pass out. He just wanted to lie there with her in his arms and catch his breath for hours.   
  
"What?" she snapped surprisingly. She lifted her face away from his, supported again by her bad hand, unnoticed.   
  
"Baby," he explained, definitely embarrassed now, "I'm done… I can't go anymore… I'm sorry."   
  
"You're done?" she asked almost in disgust.   
  
"I'm not a God, Faith. I wish I could be for you, but…"   
  
"Fine," she answered sharply, immediately climbing off of him. He grabbed her by her waist,   
  
"Hey, where are you going? You don't have to-"   
  
"You're done, right?"   
  
"Yeah, but you don't have to get up." He sat up, covering himself with one of the sheets and grabbed her arm as she sat on the side of the bed pulling a sheet around her like a towel.   
  
"You're done," she repeated, "so leave." She quickly stood up and headed towards the bathroom.   
  
"Hey!" Xander scolded, pulling on his shorts and following her towards the bathroom. "What the hell is this?" he asked, still convinced he must've misheard her because he couldn't believe what she was saying. He was filled with a feeling inside that he had only experienced with her and it was a feeling that he hated.   
  
"I told you to get out," she repeated coldly.   
  
"You may have been able to pull this shit years ago, Faith, but you're not going to pull this again."   
  
"Nothing's any different than it was then," she answered, still maintaining a cold and very distant attitude – almost indifferent as though they hadn't literally been making love for the past several hours.   
  
"You can't treat me like I'm just another one on your list, Faith. It doesn't work that way. You can't act like there isn't anything between us because we both know that-"  
  
"So wait, you're lecturing me on what we had?" she asked sardonically, her tone suddenly becoming much more emotional than before. "You mean before you fucked it all up?" she asked in a tone that just spelled out her emotions, probably far more accurately than she would've liked.   
  
"Faith, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, okay?" he pleaded with her. The look in her eyes would've been enough to send him running only a few months ago but he maintained his ground only because his love overcame all of his fear.   
  
"Tough shit… if there's one thing I've learned – second chances don't fucking exist!"   
  
"Faith-"  
  
"No! You're nothing, now, okay? How does it fucking feel to know that you mean nothing? You're on the same level as any other piece of shit that's ever touched me… welcome to the fucking club," she cursed. "You're never going to touch me again," she stated.   
  
"So that's why you didn't want it to end… didn't want to stop. I know you hate it Faith, but I do get you. I understand why you do the things you do, and-" He maintained a soft but firm tone until she cut him off angrily.  
  
"You don't know shit, Xander!"   
  
"I know enough… all of this – it was you just needing to convince yourself that I'm just like all the others… I'll take you and have you and now you want me to leave like all of them do!" he stated angrily. He hated knowing how much pain she was in but he knew… he knew every ounce of pain running through her veins right now. The only reason he was angry was because she was making it so that he couldn't help or make it better – she was using him to just make it worse.   
  
"You hurt me," she answered, a few stray tears finally succeeding in getting away from her hold and running freely down her cheeks. "I didn't need anything else to convince me you were like all the rest. You hurt me more than any of them ever could… I let you."   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"Get out," she demanded angrily. She regained her emotions slightly and wiped the tears from her eyes quickly.   
  
"I'm not going to let it be that easy for you."   
  
"You think this is fucking easy!?"   
  
"Faith-"  
  
"Get out!" He looked at her cautiously – she was the most upset he had ever seen her. Her face had run out of color and she was completely pale as she stood there with shining traces streaked down her face where the tears had made their path. He stood there looking over at her and finally unable to deal with his eyes on her she picked up pieces of her scattered clothing and tossed them towards the bathroom.   
  
"Faith…" he began softly.   
  
"Xander, get out. I don't want to hurt you… please, just get out."   
  
"Look at me," he proceeded, not allowing himself to be intimidated into making the biggest mistake of his life – walking away from her. Too many people had done that to her and he wasn't going to let her put him in that category too. "I want you to just listen to me for one minute, okay?"  
  
"Xander-" she began to argue.   
  
"You're not going to hurt me," he stated confidently. "And if you do, you're not doing it to hurt me… Faith, please… everything in your head, everything that's pointing you in all these different directions… I know you've probably got a thousand things being screamed at you in there… but block it out for one minute and just listen to me. Faith, I love you. I love you more than anyone else in the world. I love you more than I thought I could ever love somebody. I really do. I really love you, Faith."   
  
He stood there, wanting any sign in her features to make it so he could walk up to her and hold her. All he wanted was to hold her and wipe the tears off of her face. His eyes caught sight of her hand with the bandage over it and a knot immediately formed in his chest as he saw the once white shirt covered in blood; he figured she must've reopened the wound again. He searched her face for anything that looked like softening in her tightly held jaw and tense features as she tried to restrain the tears from flowing.   
  
"Get out," she answered firmly then turned and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind her. He stood there dumfounded for several long moments then he had to sit down on the bed to sooth his sudden nausea and anxiety.   
  
After she closed the bathroom door she stood in front of the sink and stared at herself in the mirror. She hated what she saw… she couldn't remember when she had actually enjoyed looking at herself. She stood there, still holding the sheet around her, and took several deep breaths to settle the knot in her throat. She began to acknowledge the feelings racing through her and she became aware of the dull pain making her hands throb. She glanced down at her hand and saw that the shirt was fairly saturated with blood and she immediately averted her eyes and put them back on her reflection in the mirror.   
  
*'Baby?'   
  
'No, mom, it's just me,' she answered as she locked the door behind her to the front of their small apartment. It was almost dusk and there was only a small number of sunrays coming through the windows and through the plastic blinds. She walked into the small bedroom where her mothers voice had come from and stood close to the door almost nervously as she looked at her mother sitting on the bed, heavily slouching over her lap.   
  
'What do you want?' she asked groggily.   
  
'You just waking up?'   
  
'What's it to you?'   
  
'Nothing… I was just asking.' She explained with a shrug. She was unaffected by the harsh tone because she had become so used to it.   
  
'What do you want?' she asked again, as if she were tired of having to deal with her being in there with her, even though she was just standing there quietly. She shrugged again in response then after a momentary pause reached into her back pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes,   
  
'I got you some smokes.' She handed them to her as though it didn't mean anything to her. Her mom took them from her almost cautiously as though there had to be some sort of catch… there always seemed to be when her boyfriend brought them to her. Faith had taken a small step forward to hand her the cigarettes and she didn't retreat back.   
  
'What's the matter with you?' her mother asked glancing up at her for the first time since she had come into the room. The first half of her glance was actually soft – it was as though she realized for the first time how beautiful her daughter was. The second half of her glance turned immediately harder and more bitter as she realized that her daughter's beauty would eventually replace her own. Faith noticed the change in her gaze and glanced down at the floor to maintain her composure,   
  
'Just kind of had a bad day, I guess. Not so five by five…'   
  
'What do you want me to do about it?' she asked almost angrily. Even in her memory, Faith could hear how similar her mothers voice was to her own. The way she said certain phrases practically matched hers, such as 'do about it'.   
  
'Nothing,' she answered quickly. She took the step back and was about to turn towards the door but stopped herself and turned back to her mother and asked, 'can I ask you a question?'   
  
'What?' she asked impatiently.   
  
'It's kind of random, but… yo, you know I don't usually ask, but…'  
  
'Faith, what?'   
  
'Do you love me?' she asked, spitting the words out as though they had been stuck in her throat for years and she had finally just been able to dislodge them.   
  
'What do you expect me to say?' she asked, her anger quickly increasing.   
  
'I just want to hear it once… just one time. I swear, if you say it I'll never ask you again… I swear," she stammered, her tone quickly becoming a plea.   
  
'Faith, regular people-'  
  
'Regular people say it!'   
  
'Regular people don't get knocked up when they're fourteen!' she answered in a tone matching her daughters. The rage and anger built up inside of both of them could only be matched by the other.   
  
'But you're my mother, you're supposed to-'   
  
'I don't love your fucking scumbag father and I don't love you! How the hell do you expect me to? You think this is the life I wanted? You think this is where I want to be? I'm fucking stuck here and it's because of you! So no, I don't fucking love you, okay?'   
  
'Ugh, fuck you. I don't care anyway,' she spat angrily.*   
  
She blinked and the image of herself in the mirror cleared slightly. She wiped her eyes again not wanting to cry and especially not wanting to watch herself cry. She ran her unwounded hand through her hair but then suddenly with her other hand slammed it into the mirror, sending shattered splinters of glass into the sink and on the floor. She pulled her hand back and immediately chided herself for what she had done. She forced herself to take deep breaths then looked onto the floor at her clothes, wanting to work out a plan of getting dressed in her head before she actually tried to execute it.   
  
She saw some of the pieces of glass on the floor and noticed a few dried drops of blood from earlier that night. She glanced back into the sink and looked at the shattered glass and the few large shards lying in the sink. She wondered how long it would take a Slayer to bleed to death…   
  
The memory of walking into her mother's bedroom and seeing her lying in a pool of her own blood, dead and cold flashed through her eyes. Her previous thought was immediately forced out of her brain as though it had never even been there and she got dressed.   
  
----------------  
  
"I have the sketch…"   
  
"Give it to me," Officer Stevenson demanded urgently as he put down his cup of coffee. He glanced at the sketch and immediately reached for the telephone, "Brian, it's Stevenson… yeah, you're still working on that case from Sunnydale, right? Well… you have another lead? Well then this is your lucky week. I think I have your girl up on another murder… I'll fax it over. Bye."   
  
"Officer…"   
  
"Can you fax this over to Brian's office for me?" he asked as he got his stuff together to leave.   
  
"Yes, Sir, but, Sir…"  
  
"What is it, Joey?"   
  
"Granted I don't know the logistics of this suspect, but Sir, going on what was at the crime scene, it didn't look like a murder."   
  
"There was a dead body with a knife through it's chest. What else does it look like?"   
  
"Sir, it's just that the position and the fact that there wasn't any prints on the knife… it looks like a text book self-defense case to me… with all due respect, I think you're going about this whole thing the wrong way."   
  
"If this is the girl I think it is, don't worry, I'll let you do night watch on her."  
  
"What?" he asked confused at the playful grin on his superiors face.   
  
"She's cute," he answered before walking out of the office.   
  
-----(almost two weeks earlier)------  
  
"Wait, can you stop there, I need to pick up some pictures," Kennedy asked.   
  
"Sure," Willow answered with a smile, pulling the car into a parking spot.   
  
"I'll be right back," she answered getting out of the car quickly. She walked into the store and up to the counter. The clerk handed her a pack of pictures and stood off to the side and opened them up. It was the pack of pictures with the pictures of Xander and Faith together. She wanted to see them before she got in the car so she would know whether or not she could show them to Willow. As she neared the end of the roll she began to walk towards the door while still looking down at the pictures. A few strides later she bumped into someone and dropped the pictures on the floor.   
  
"Sorry," she immediately said knowing it had been her fault. She crouched down and started picking up the scattered pictures.   
  
"It's okay, I wasn't looking either," he answered nicely. She looked up and smiled at the man who was already crouched down on the floor to help her pick up the pictures. The man was an off duty police officer who had been transferred from LA. He had begun working on the force in Los Angeles and after his fifth year he began to question his profession. LA began to be a crazy place to live… in more respects than any sane person would repeat. He was seeing things that weren't real and doubting his own integrity. He had been one of the officers personally put in charge on his shift of monitoring Faith's activities in the federal penitentiary. He had immediately been given a transfer when she escaped the maximum security prison on his watch. His superiors were more than a little doubtful that the girl had been able to get through the thick glass, through him and out a five story high window where she proceeded to run away after landing on the hood of a car. The officer picked up several pictures and wit  
  
hout even wanting to be nosy his eyes fell on one of the pictures. He immediately disregarded his manners and looked at the picture behind it and saw another picture of Faith.   
  
"Thanks," Kennedy said nervously taking the pictures out of his hand.   
  
"Who is that?"   
  
"Excuse me?" Kennedy asked quickly putting the pictures away.   
  
"That woman, who is she?"   
  
"I don't know what you're talking about. Excuse me," Kennedy said walking around the stammering officer and out of the store and quickly back into the car. "Freak," she muttered under her breath as she walked out of the store.  
  
"Did they have them?" Willow asked with a smile.   
  
"Yeah," she answered. "Let's just get home, I'm hungry."   
  
"Okay."   
  
------------  
  
Xander sat on the bed dressed and with his coat in his hand. He stared intensely at the door to the bathroom unsure of what exactly he even wanted to happen. He found himself both nervous and eager for her to come out. He was nervous because she might be furious that he was still there but he wanted her to come out hoping she would be in a different mood than before. His head wasn't just swimming it was drowning with his heart as the heavy anchor making him sink.   
  
He had thought he had strange nights before. Strange enough, one of the nights he had made a mental note of being his strangest was the first time he had slept with her. He could only conclude that Faith made things complicated and often strange… He couldn't completely wrap his brain around what had happened in only about ten hours. He had driven to L.A. like a maniac to find her, hoping to just beg her to forgive him and take him back. Then he had spotted an obscure club in a town he had never been to and when he went in he immediately found her there… not to mention covered in other guys. Then he watched her walk out and he ran around to see the asshole try and seriously hurt her then he watched her kill him with a small push and side step. Then he just had instinctually grabbed her and taken her to what he thought would be somewhere safe. He took care of her hand then they ended up making love for hours – it had been incredible, but still strange. There were plenty of signs foreboding how she was   
  
going to act afterwards that he had been ignorant of and that he noticed now thinking back on it. But no one could make love to him the way she could… no one. It had been enough of a distraction to cloud all of the other signs – ones that were now blatantly obvious to him now – and he was furious with himself.   
  
-------------  
  
"Hello?" Officer Carter asked as he picked up his office phone. Carter was the same officer who had bumped into Kennedy in the store and convinced he had a lead, he was disappointed that he hadn't been further notified since he filed his information over to his old boss, Officer Brian.   
  
"Carter, hi, it's Brian."  
  
"Officer Brian, it's good to hear from you."   
  
"Yes, I received your notification a couple of days ago."  
  
"Yes, Sir."   
  
"I also received a phone call and a fax from Officer Stevens, another officer in Los Angeles, I'm sure you've heard of him. He's a good man."  
  
"Yes, Sir, I believe I have. Steven's was the man working on the Kennedy case a few months back."  
  
"Yes, yes. Well he faxed me over a file on his newest investigation. The prime suspect is our girl, the same one you said you saw a supposed acquaintance of over in your neck of the woods."  
  
"What type of file?"   
  
"Another murder. It fits her profile too. The sketch is extremely close and the witnesses have identified her by our photos on file. The murder goes along with her style too… not that she has a definitive tactic on all of her victims but it was via a stab wound… the victim was a male in his twenties and by her profile, the last time she was in LA that was her main target."   
  
"Sounds like her, Sir."  
  
"Carter, I want you and a team to go to the acquaintances home and ask questions and do a search. I'll fax over a court warrant, Judge Vent gave me one immediately. If the acquaintance seems suspect, bring her into the precinct under acts of criminal collusion."   
  
"Yes, Sir."   
  
-----------  
  
She unwrapped her hand and ran it under the water for several minutes after getting partially dressed then washed her face and pulled her hair up with a clip that allowed only most of her hair and left several other strands hanging down into her face. As she slowly pulled her hair up, careful to not use her wounded hand any more than she had to, it occurred to her that she felt like she had been in there for hours. She thought it was impossible for that much time to have passed but she couldn't deny that she had zoned out for who knows how long thinking about her mother. She had issues… she knew it. This whole situation only underscored that fact and it seemed to be continuously being rubbed in her face.   
  
She had been able to successfully convince herself that he hadn't meant anything while he was making love to her. It normally wouldn't have been that large a feat for her but with Xander everything was different. It felt so good! She had never been one to be too fastidious when it came to being pleased in bed – she had gained the skills she needed to sufficiently enjoy herself no matter what the circumstance and she had never received any complaints from the other – but even the way it felt to just be lying with him was incredible. She almost hated to admit what he could do to her; she had never been with, or for that matter, known, anyone who could just touch her arm or her face and have her get a feeling inside that can only be described as her wanting to spend the rest of her life with them.   
  
All of those nights that she would sleep with him she would fall asleep resting her head on his chest and she couldn't envision herself ever falling asleep any other way ever again. She never wanted to wake up to anything else other than him with his arms around her. She never wanted to have to kiss anyone else or touch anyone else or let anyone else look at her. She wanted to just be his and only his… she couldn't picture herself any other way nor did she want to. But that had all changed. She hated that it was different now – but it was different, and one night with him again wasn't going to just change it back.   
  
As much as she loved being his during that small period of her life she hated realizing afterwards how much he could hurt her. She had shied away from him in the beginning because she knew but she hadn't ever let herself do what she had done with him and there were few experiences in her life that had hurt her as much as that did. It wasn't just that he left her… that wasn't the whole story. Not to go back to the 'mom never loved me' part, but not only was he really her first love but he was also the first person she had completely and totally trusted and given herself to. She would've done anything for him…   
  
The Mayor, her boss, was someone who she had really trusted and allowed herself to be loved by but he only had a piece of her. Up until that point he had been the first person she had given that much to – he became everything for her – he was the first and only father she had ever had and he loved her for what she was having a five by five time doing. Granted he was evil and so was she – she knew that now – but that didn't diminish their relationship. But, quite obviously, that relationship was different than what she had with Xander. Xander was her friend, her shoulder to cry on, her person to laugh with and have fun, the person she trusted to tell just about anything to on how she felt, the person she would do *anything* for, but on top of all of that, he was her lover.   
  
She opened the bathroom door and walked into the bedroom, beginning to button up her shirt as she walked starting from the bottom and working her way upward. Her eyes were filled with tears and a few streamed down her face but she didn't even bother to try and stifle them – she missed the luxury of getting to be alone in an apartment and cry without anyone knowing or caring. She had deemed it a luxury because if she didn't have to worry about anyone else acknowledging it, most of the time she didn't have to acknowledge it herself either. She walked halfway into the bedroom before glancing up and looking towards the door, somewhat envisioning what Xander looked like as he left. As a kid she had always wondered what her father had looked like leaving… it was just one of those weird things kids thing about… The area seemed unchanged somehow and she moved her gaze over to the other side of the bedroom and saw him sitting there motionless.   
  
She couldn't help but recognize how impressive he looked sitting there. He looked like the bad boy she had always wanted but he was the good boy she always needed. His hair was tossed about, obvious that he'd run his hand through it a few times while it was still wet with sweat, giving it a ruffled, spiked look. His collar was flipped up – knowing him not purposely, just a lack of concern as he probably dressed extremely quickly. And he held his leather jacket loosely in his lap as he sat on the edge of the bed. She shot him a harsh glare as she observed him, which couldn't have been more than a short moment, and he didn't budge. She quickly glanced at his hands which she expected to be fidgeting away at the corners of his jacket but to her surprise they rested motionless and calm.   
  
She turned her attention away from him, quickly becoming aware of how much she wanted to still be on that bed with him still inside of her. With her back turned to him now she pulled money out of her back pocket and counted the crumpled bills. Her stash that had begun at fifty dollars when she headed out for LA was now down to about seven. She knew she used to be better at this… granted traveling and expenses for as long as she'd been here were far greater than forty three dollars she knew when she was younger she could've made this trip never even having to count as high as forty with the money in her pocket. She acknowledged the fact that she probably only saved that money from stealing but hey, she did what she needed to do to get by. She didn't like having to live this way.   
  
Xander searched his mind desperately, looking for some solution to the situation he was in. It was hard to find one because each time he found an acceptable plan he was able to disprove it thinking of how she might react. But he knew he had to act quickly. Faith was always a hard one to get a reading on but right now he deemed the winner. She came out of the bathroom with tears running down her face, then she looked over at him with both admiring surprise and anger. It wasn't necessarily anger directed at him, it was more directed at the fact that she had to deal with the situation now rather than be able to walk away from it. But than as her glace stiffened she turned away from him as though she wanted to completely ignore him being there. He had honestly expected a little screaming. But Faith wasn't that black and white; it was both what he loved and hated about her. He loved it because it made her so intense and deep so that when you were able to grasp what it was she was actually feeling it was such a reward and enriched feeling. But he hated it because he couldn't always figure her out and it put him in positions like this where if he made the right move it fixed everything but if he made the wrong move it was completely destroyed.   
  
He stood, feigning confidence as he approached her.   
  
"Faith," he said softly, but without a noted falter in his tone. He walked up to her despite the fact that he got absolutely no acknowledgement. He touched her arm softly right over her tattoo, hoping the touch would be some sort of comfort for her. She practically jumped away from his touch and turned towards him sharply,   
  
"Don't touch me!" she scolded.   
  
"Okay," he answered, dropping his hand down by his side but not allowing his tone to reflect any intimidation or fear. She stared at him coldly – them being closely face to face – then seeing he wasn't going to break the gaze she turned and walked around him towards the door.   
  
"Whoa, where are you going?" he asked quickly, once he realized her intended path. She didn't answer and he jumped between her and the door.   
  
"So it's true, sex does make men stupid," she commented condescendingly as she was stopped short.   
  
"Let's not talk about stupid ideas right now," he snapped back. "In case you've forgotten, LA's probably swarmed with police right now, looking for you, might I add."  
  
"I doubt they're going to expect to see their suspect walking down the sidewalk…"   
  
"Please, Faith," he pleaded, dropping the argumentative tone and showing real concern, "just let me go back and get the car and I'll take you wherever you're going." She ignored his offer and began to walk around him again. "Faith, please… I would never forgive myself if…" she tried again to get around him and he moved in front of her again. "Whether you want to believe it or not, Faith, I love you. I love you more than I'll ever be able to explain to you in words."  
  
"Xander, stop it," she scolded.   
  
"I mean it, Faith!" he explained strongly. "You can't fake this. I've had plenty of screw ups in my life and I never thought I'd be able to rank them but I at least know which one is on the top of the list." She motioned to leave again and he grabbed her arms in his hands, "I love you." She quickly pulled away from his grip and scolded again,   
  
"Don't touch me!" The effect her had on her just standing there was enough, but the one he made when he touched her was one she knew she wouldn't be able to fight. Looking at him and knowing the way she felt she wanted him inside of her but having his touch her made the feeling so much more intense.   
  
"Faith, you don't need to take me back… you don't even have to like me or talk to me again… but don't make it be because you're mad at me. Let it be because you found someone else who treats you better or because you don't want to be with anybody because you want to just be alone… don't make it be because you're angry. You're rage controls you enough already, don't let it be the deciding factor with this too."   
  
"Xander…" she said for lack of anything else to say. She wanted so badly to be able to believe everything he was saying to her. Her insides felt like they were being burned to ashes and she didn't want to have to deal with this right now.   
  
"Faith, I love you and I know I can't just show up and say that and have everything be perfect again. Faith, what we had was perfect… I'm willing to do anything I need to, anything you want me to do, to have you back again." She looked blankly down at the floor and he took her silence as a slight admission, "I'm not going to make you deal with all of this right now, okay? But stay here and I'm going to go get the car and then I'll take you to Angel or wherever you've been staying and you'll be safe." She remained silent and he took the opportunity to grab his jacket and head out of the door, "I'll be right back."  
  
She watched him leave and she walked slowly over to the bed and sat down. There was too much in her head for her to think about so she stared blankly at the distant wall.   
  
*She walked into her small apartment and she heard crying. It was her mother – she could distinguish that cry from anything. She walked quickly into the bedroom and saw her sitting against the bed weeping.   
  
'Mom?'   
  
'He left… he just left.'   
  
'What?'   
  
'He left me. I… I can't do this anymore… I can't deal with you and the money and everything…' she sobbed. Faith kneeled down next to her and took her in her arms,   
  
"Mom, it's okay…' She hated hearing her mother cry but in a strange way she also liked it. It was the only time she could ever touch her or be close to her… it was her moment of weakness – a moment when she allowed anything and didn't care about the consequences.*   
  
------------  
  
Xander jumped in the car and quickly started it and pulled it onto the street. He quickly dialed Buffy's cell and she picked up.   
  
"Xander, what's up? Is everything okay?"  
  
"Yeah, Buffy, I was just calling to check in and make sure nothing was going on over there."   
  
"Yeah, I'm actually just getting back to the house," she answered as she pulled into the garage. "Whoa," she said abruptly.   
  
"What?"   
  
"There are a bunch of cop cars," she answered in shock.   
  
"What?" he asked nervously. There were plenty of cop cars around the streets where he was but never in a million years did he expect them to be there. Buffy got out of her car and ran into the house. There were six police officers standing there, two of which were approaching Kennedy quickly.   
  
"What the hell is going on here?" she asked, holding the phone down at her side.   
  
"Miss, you're under arrest for criminal collusion and-"  
  
"What?" Kennedy asked.   
  
"As far as the court is concerned you know the whereabouts of a wanted criminal and-"   
  
"Hey," Buffy stepped in, "there's nothing she knows that no one else in this house wouldn't."   
  
"I only have a warrant of arrest for this young lady," he answered, "but with a further warrant I can assure you we'll be back for the rest of you, whom you claim to know just as much. Jacobs, you come with me, the rest of you search the place." Buffy quickly walked into the other room,   
  
"Xander, what the hell is going on?" she asked furiously. "She left again and here I am cleaning up her fucking mess!"   
  
"Buffy, I'll call you back," he stated as he hung up.   
  
"Fuck!"  
  
He pulled the car into the parking lot of the motel and slammed it to a halt before running towards room nine. He quickly unlocked the door and his stomach sunk as he looked around the room and knew there was no denying that she had split. 


	23. Part XXIII

Adjustment – Part XXIII  
  
"That's enough!" Giles yelled. He was the only solid, clear headed individual still remaining in the house. With Xander gone, Kennedy arrested, and Willow panicking, he was on his own as far as rational thought was concerned.   
  
"Giles, hate to be the one to point this out to you, but there's no other angle to this situation," Buffy defended, "I've had to play clean up crew way too many times for Faith, I've had it!"   
  
"They arrested Kennedy for Faith's mistakes! They're not going to let her out until they have Faith back in," Willow added trying to conceal the panic in her tone. "She didn't do anything wrong! What's she going to say? Faith's never going to turn herself in…" Giles opened his mouth to respond but was stopped,   
  
"Giles, can I talk to you for a minute?" Robin called from the living room. He turned away from the two girls in the kitchen and walked over to Wood. Wood motioned towards the television he had on mute and Giles saw a scrolling line at the bottom of the screen repeating, 'Wanted: escaped convict/ wanted on the count of several murders and assaults/ do not approach / if seen please call (555) 555-5555 immediately.' Behind the scrolling message was a slideshow of about three pictures they had of Faith.   
  
"Bloody hell," Giles muttered.   
  
--------  
  
Angel walked into his office facing his desk and looked up quickly as the secret door behind his desk began to open. He walked towards his weaponry shelf and gripped an axe. Faith revealed herself as she stepped through the door. He began to take a sigh of relief then quickly reverted back to about the same amount of tension, if not more.   
  
"Where the hell have you been?"   
  
"Yo, Angel," she stated with her hands up defensively and squinting her eyes as though his loud voice was painful. He backed off a little but stood there, his expression pushing her for a further explanation. "Angel… I'm really sorry," she said, speaking slowly with forced relaxation. Lorne walked quietly into the office but could sense the tension from the doorway. He remained quiet and stood just inside the room looking on with concern.   
  
"I can remember a time when you claimed you couldn't say those words," he responded jovially. "Now you're throwing them around like nothing…" He was relieved just to see her back and he pushed all of his concern and worry behind him.   
  
"No, Angel, I… I need to be sorry… really really sorry. It's not going to change anything but-"   
  
"Faith, what's going on?" Angel asked, his tone shifting quickly.   
  
"Angel, I really can't do this right now," she explained, her tone trembling as she spoke.   
  
"What the hell happened?" he asked again, the frustration in his tone quickly growing.   
  
"Angel!" Wesley called, his tone frantic, as he practically ran into the office with a pad of paper and Xander barely a pace behind him.   
  
"I can't handle this right now," she admitted. "I just want to go to sleep or something…"   
  
"You're not going anywhere until I know what's going on," Angel answered as he grabbed her arm. Xander took a step forward defensively but quickly stopped realizing they were on the same team; defending her had become an automatic reflex.   
  
She pulled against his hold defiantly but most of her energy was going into keeping her emotionally stable at the moment so he held fast. She was hardly able to maintain her visual focus on what was actually around her rather than the flashing pictures and memories being thrown around her head. Lorne watched her facial expressions very carefully and saw how she squinted and kept blinking to maintain her view on reality.   
  
"Angel," she said angrily to conceal her plea,   
  
"Just tell me what happened!" His fear began to take over his control and he hid it behind a mask of anger.   
  
"Angel," Lorne interjected with a very cautioning tone. He walked towards the two of them very quickly feeling the huge waves of emotion rolling off of Faith as she stood there practically shaking. Her legs were fading underneath her and she was barely able to keep her eyes focused on what was actually in front of her. "I'm going to take Faith to lie down somewhere… that isn't here."   
  
Angel, as well as everyone else in the room, understood exactly how quickly she needed to be out of the room by the nature of Lorne's tone. Although he understood, still begrudgingly he let go of her arm. Xander motioned to go out of the office with them but before he even took his first step he knew it best not to. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he knew he was part of why she was so upset.   
  
"Wesley…" Angel stated firmly expecting an explanation.   
  
"I just received a call from Giles, then I saw Xander in the corridor as I was coming to speak to you."   
  
-----------  
  
"Can you do me a favor?" Lorne asked. She looked over at him semi-confused and semi-irritated.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Take a deep breath." She looked at him blankly, "I mean it. Faith, you look like you're about to pass out."   
  
"I'm fine."   
  
"It's okay to not be fine."   
  
"Lorne, just…" she cautioned. She stopped herself, knowing he was completely there to help her, but she just wanted nothingness right now. She sat down on her bed and stared down at the ground.  
  
"You can't detach yourself from everything… I know what you're doing. You're preparing yourself for the worst here. You want to go back to that frame of mind you used to have where no body mattered and nothing meant anything. Faith, don't do this! You've got too much to just give up and walk away."  
  
"You don't know what you're talking about."   
  
"You're right, I don't know that you're terrified, I don't know that you're lonely-"  
  
"You don't know shit about me!"   
  
"Easy," he soothed. "I'm only saying what I'm feeling, which is obviously something you don't do too often." He took a brave step forward and touched her arm – he wanted a clearer reading on her and any attempt was worth it. He was practically positive touching her arm wasn't going to work because it was hard enough to get a reading off of touch when the other was cooperating and highly concentrated but he doubted he was going to get Miss Congeniality to sing him a tune. As his hand met her flesh it felt like he had been hit in the face with a baseball bat backwards.  
  
"Yikes!" he shouted immediately jerking his hand away.   
  
"What the hell is your problem? Don't touch me."   
  
"Got a little on your mind, Faith?"   
  
"Lorne, go away."   
  
"You've got a lot on your plate right now but you don't have to do this alone."   
  
"I don't need anybody."   
  
"Faith, there's a lot going on with your right now and it's going to take me a while to wrap my brain around it, but one thing that I got from just being in the room a couple of minutes ago, that boy in there loves you."  
  
"Shut up! You don't know-"  
  
"Oh but I do," he stated strongly, "and I know you love him too. I mean, you really love him…"   
  
"It doesn't matter."  
  
"Why not? He loves you, you love him… what else do you need to make that matter?"   
  
"He doesn't want me! Okay? I don't deserve him and he doesn't want to deal with me and all of this now and he shouldn't have to. I just need to deal with this and it's not going to end well and I… I don't deserve him…" she explained. Her tone was cracked and lacking only the tears running down her cheeks she was crying.   
  
"Get some rest, okay?" he suggested tenderly. He was getting a migraine just from being in the same building as her with the shocks of emotion ripping off of her. When he touched her arm it was hard to explain, but he felt as though it was just an intense flash of pain and hate and rage with a thousand images flashing in his eyes at once. They were images he could somewhat identify by sifting through some of them and being able to recognize certain people. One thing was for sure – the girl had baggage.   
  
---------------  
  
"Kennedy?" Angel asked still trying to wrap his brain around the concept.   
  
"Yeah," Wesley answered with Xander nodding where he was standing.   
  
"Faith's going to flip."   
  
"Yeah, I was going to mention it when she was walking out before, but I guess it must've slipped my mind," Xander answered sardonically. "She's got too much to deal with already… we can't add to that. She really cares about her and if she found out she'd be irrational and do something… anything, to get to her."  
  
"Faith's got to know," Angel answered, "she'll be furious when she finds out… and she's going to find out. Buffy's going to be going absolutely ballistic and she has a certain habit of allowing herself to vent those emotions on Faith."   
  
"I agree that she has to know, Angel, but she's in no state right now… after all, she spent the night… what did she spend the night doing? Was she still with you or…" Wesley trailed off.   
  
"I had a hunch when I was driving past the club so I went in and found her there. She went out back with some guy and I ran around the back and he put a necklace around her neck," he reached in his pocket and took out the chain and put it on Angel's desk. "Then he pulled it tight and tried to choke her and pulled a knife. She sliced her hand really bad trying to block it and grab it away from him but then when he lunged for her again she got out of the way quickly and pushed him into the wall. She didn't do it to kill him… she didn't even push him as hard as she could… it was just a reflex. She stood there in shock staring at him as the blood pooled around him and I heard the sirens so I just grabbed her and we ran…   
  
"We ran for a good fifteen minutes on the backstreets then we ended up at a motel. We went in and I took care of her hand. Umm… then this morning we got in a fight and when I went to get the car to drive her here I called Buffy and found out about Kennedy, then when I got back to the motel she was gone."   
  
"How was she handling things all night?" Wesley asked still maintaining his focus on her emotional state.   
  
"I guess the way Faith usually deals with her emotional problems…"   
  
"How so?" he pushed.   
  
"He fucked her Wesley," Angel answered angrily.   
  
"Now hold on!" Xander defended.   
  
"It's true, isn't it? She's stressed out, she wanted someone close to her… what better opportunity to use her and get a foot in the door to get her back. Didn't quite work out as you had it planned, did it?"   
  
"It's not the type of thing there's a plan to," Xander defended.   
  
"Angel, that's not fair," Wesley warned.   
  
"She's freaking," Xander stated, wanting to push past the juvenile belligerence and get down to what was really important. "I'm not going to standby and let that happen to her again."   
  
"Xander, I think if anyone tried to not standby last time it was you," Wesley complimented. "And I hate to overstep my boundaries, especially when it comes to Faith, but I think you should be the one to speak with her."  
  
"I agree," Angel added surprisingly. He picked up the phone on his desk and pressed a button, "Harmony, send in our best line of lawyers."   
  
------------------  
  
Willow hung up the phone and walked into the quiet kitchen where everyone was sitting in silence. Everything that had wanted to be said had been said and now there was nothing to do but wait for more information. Dawn, Robin, Wendy, Andrew, Giles, and Buffy all turned their heads quickly upward as Willow entered the room.  
  
"I just got off the phone with Wesley."   
  
"And?" Robin asked anxiously.   
  
"The accelerated hunt for Faith isn't random. She's the prime suspect for a murder in LA last night." Buffy quickly rose out of her chair and Giles jumped forward,   
  
"What do you think you're doing?"   
  
"Unfortunately Faith is and always will be my problem."   
  
"This has nothing to do with you nor do you know everything you need to know to have a valid place in this investigation."   
  
"You know, I really hope if I go on some random killing spree you're all going to stand up for me this way."   
  
"Buffy, it's not a spree, first of all, and secondly, it's one person in all of LA and it could've been anyone who killed them," Giles defended.   
  
"No, it couldn't," Buffy said holding her ground. "Let me guess," she said turning to Willow, "the specs on the victim – male, age range between twenty two and twenty seven, kind of a thick, built guy, about this tall, and dark hair."   
  
"Male, twenty five, muscular build, five eleven, and black hair," Willow answered, more than slightly shocked at Buffy's accuracy.   
  
"Wait, how'd you know that and what does it have anything to do with proving Faith had anything to do with it?" Wood jumped in.   
  
"I know Faith's type," she answered, "guy has the same specs as Xander… the girl don't like getting dumped and she likes him too much to take it out directly on him so…"  
  
"She's come too far to have premeditated something like this," Giles defended again.   
  
"Oh right, she's come so far from a psychotic serial killer who got off on hurting people – my mistake."   
  
Leaving Buffy and Giles to their quarrel, Wood glanced over to Willow who looked extremely drawn and stressed.   
  
"Hey," he said touching her knee and sitting down next to her, "it's going to be okay."   
  
"I'd like to think so but I just don't," she admitted. "I'd love to say I'm a good enough person to trust Faith, but I'm not and I don't."   
  
"Well you know what," he said encouragingly, looking Willow straight in the eye, "if there's one person in this world that Faith will do anything to not let down, it's Kennedy." He paused for a moment letting his confidence sink in, then added, "and if there's one person in this world that can do anything they set their mind to, it's Faith."   
  
------------  
  
Xander walked down the corridor lined with doors to various rooms and apartments provided by the Wolfram & Hart law firm. He was surprised with his own self-assuredness as he approached her room. A smile spread across his face as he reached her door, noting that Lorne had left the door slightly propped, leaving it ajar enough for him to enter without making a disturbance. Lorne sure was a character – his heart was in the right place; even if he had heard some faint rumor that it was actually placed in a somewhat unexpected area.   
  
He walked into the apartment quietly not wanting to disturb her if she was sleeping but he wasn't sneaking in either. He didn't want to catch her off guard and surprise her by any means. He walked through the short hallway and saw her lying on a bed next to the wall. She was facing him and her eyes were open but directed towards the floor. She had her arms folded underneath the pillow and held it tightly.   
  
"You alright?" he asked softly, standing only a few paces from the bed.   
  
"You know me."   
  
"Yeah, that's why I'm asking." The room filled with silence as she maintained her focused gaze down at the floor. "Are you hot?" he asked, his tone filling with concern as he realized her face was drenched in sweat.   
  
"You know I don't like to brag," she answered sardonically. He could tell even through her sarcasm that she was struggling with her emotions. Keeping up with the thoughts ripping through her head at a mile a minute she felt like she was running at the same speed, leaving her covered in a layer of nervous sweat.   
  
"What's wrong?" he asked from the bathroom as he wet a towel with some cool water. He walked back into the bedroom and motioned to touch her face with the towel. She quickly grabbed it from his hand and he offered it willingly, making it seem as though that was his original plan of flight.   
  
"Can you just go away? Please." She sat up a little too quickly and Xander could see her gaze falter momentarily as a wave of dizziness rushed through her.   
  
"I thought you changed," he answered firmly. "It was a big deal today for me to realize that you haven't changed at all. You're still the same teenager who loves flirting with trouble but once you catch its eye you skip out. What's that saying? When the going gets tough, she gets going…"   
  
"I did change. I met someone who made me feel like I wanted to change so I did but then that same person made me see how useless it all was. The way people think about me is never going to change but I thought it would be worth it for that one person, but I guess I couldn't change their mind either."   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"Xander, what you see is what you get. And obviously you don't like what you see so just leave. Obviously I haven't changed much – or at least far from enough – so there's no reason for you to try and deal with-"   
  
"Faith, I want you back."  
  
"No you don't. The only reason you're thinking that is because you just got to spend a whole night with me enjoying the only thing about me that was ever worth while to you and it's making you forget all the other bullshit that-"   
  
"I can't believe you just said that to me," he stated angrily. His complete disgust and shock that he displayed just in his tone and the change of his stance stopped her dead in her tracks.   
  
"What?" she asked defensively.   
  
"It just makes me kind of sick to know that that's all you give yourself credit for."   
  
"It's all you wanted," she snapped, ignoring his jab, "a typical guy," she shrugged, "the screw was great and when it got boring for you, you got bored." Xander remained silent wanting to hear everything she had to say. "You got bored of me and I wasn't enough to keep you happy anymore so you fucked me like any other guy would – you didn't talk to me, you didn't even look at me! – and then you got up and left and when I came after you, you dumped me!"   
  
"I hurt you," he admitted apologetically.   
  
"And you got off on it," she remarked darkly.   
  
"You know, Faith, not everyone's as sick as you are." He stated angrily – he would never do anything to hurt her if he could help it and he thought she knew that.   
  
"Oh come on," she teased angrily, "you dug it, don't lie. Even just a little bit – you got to hurt me worse than anyone else for what I did to you and all your friends. You get to be the big hero now – I know no one says it out loud but it's true, you get to be the one that taught me a lesson, paid me back for what I did."   
  
"Not even a piece of that's true, Faith. Knock it off."   
  
"Really, Xander," she asked mockingly, standing up from the bed and walking over to him. She stood dangerously close to him so he could feel her breath on his skin – something that made him both anxious and soothed in a strange combination – as she talked in a tone that seemed very contemptuous. "So you're going to tell me when you slammed me up against that wall and fucked me that I didn't feel a hint of anger in that?" She let her question linger in his ear then she walked back towards the bed, "but don't listen to me, I'm no psychiatrist, I'm just the dumb bitch compared to Buffy, right? Buffy did the book thing and the homework thing but I hate to break it to you, I'm a little more perceptive than she is."   
  
"Faith, you need to stop."   
  
"Scaring you a little bit?"  
  
"On a good day you scare me only a little bit," he jabbed. She was standing against the bed now with her hands at her sides on the mattress.   
  
-----------------   
  
Kennedy was shoved forward into a room almost causing her to lose her balance and fall. She wasn't used to having her hands cuffed behind her back and this cop was having a party pushing her all over the place. She had kept quiet for the entire trip – they had been practically non-stop moving too. When they arrived at the first precinct, one of the police officers practically ran to the phone and after receiving confirmation apparently from his boss told the crew of officers in charge of her that they needed to transfer her immediately to a different holding location. Apparently it was fairly well known in the ranks how difficult Faith could be and anything relating to her case they wanted elsewhere. They had gone to three locations after that and finally by the fifth stop they had clearance to stay.   
  
The cops were having fun being not so gentle but Kennedy knew her rough walks and car rides were a lot better than things were going to be when they sat her down for questioning. Her state was a mixture – she was proud of herself that she didn't feel afraid but she wasn't completely unafraid. It was more that fear hadn't taken precedent in her mind. Her thoughts were primarily on Faith.   
  
Before her and Xander had broken up without even blinking she would say she knew Faith would come back and fix all of this. And even now she didn't dismiss the idea – she knew… well, she wanted to be able to know, Faith. But Faith had done some things since their breakup – primarily walking out on all of them – that made her a little uncertain about how much she actually knew Faith. She had trusted her and loved her like a sister or even a mother, but she never thought she'd be able to just leave. Sure, she had heard from Willow and Buffy that Faith had a tendency to split but she had convinced herself that that was the old Faith and that the new Faith was different and that part of her was gone. She thought that she had some loyalties with her but when she watched Faith just walk out of the door that day she couldn't really count on that anymore.   
  
So she really was torn. She wanted to be sure that Faith would come back for her but she didn't want to think of herself so highly either. It was fairly common knowledge that when Faith left she left everything – she left because she wanted to just drop everything associated with what she was leaving: friends, belongings, feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, etc. and Kennedy couldn't help but feel like just one of those things that Faith had dropped on her way out. But she also had an overwhelming respect for her. She knew there was that part of Faith that just always amazed everyone – she could do anything and she had no problem proving it. She really wasn't sure what she wanted to happen though – she didn't want to be overly confident of either scenario because she didn't want to be disappointed in Faith and she also didn't really want Faith to get in trouble. She knew if Faith showed up things were going to go from bad to worse either for Faith personally or for the lives of these officers.   
  
She was shoved again towards a chair in the room and she turned to glare at the uniformed man who pushed her. She wouldn't mind Faith kicking this guys ass. She stood in front of the chair waiting for the officer to take the cuffs off of her so she could sit somewhat comfortably.   
  
"I'm not stupid," he snapped, "just sit down."   
  
"They always say not to judge a book by it's cover," she answered sardonically as she sat down.   
  
----------------------   
  
He glanced over her quickly but very critically, trying to find something to help him get a good feel for her state. As his eyes reached her hands he saw she was clenching the bed tightly and the tension of her grip could be seen in the sharp muscle lines in her wrists.   
  
"Faith, I get it, okay?" he stated firmly, "you've got more shit held inside of you than you can handle anymore and something's got to give a little and talking smack with me vents some of it out. That's good – it's better for you to let it out and show you're angry than to hold it all in. I get it, I understand… you need to do this to make it all manageable and that's okay. I know you don't want to admit all that - emotions pent up and everything - but it is and it's better for you to lash out a little bit than to wait till you just can't hold it back anymore. I get that and it doesn't change how I feel about you. There are a lot of things about you that scare the shit out of me – I'm scared to death that I'll lose you either because someone takes you away from me or that I can't make you happy; I'm scared that I'm not the perfect person for you and that me being with you keeps you from meeting that perfect person that can make you even happier; I'm scared I'm going to hurt you or make the wounds inside of you even deeper.   
  
"I'm so scared, Faith, but I love you and I need you back. You deserve to feel so much different about yourself and I want to make that happen." He knew he could've kept talking about how much he loved her all night – it wouldn't have been the first time – but he could tell how uncomfortable she was with it as she stared strictly down at the ground and held the bed tightly. "Faith, please don't block me out like I'm just some asshole spouting off lines to you," he begged.   
  
"That's all you're doing."   
  
"No," he stated, taking a step closer to her.   
  
"I believed you once," she stated, holding a defensive stance against his approach.   
  
"Faith," he said softly, reaching out with his hand towards hers. He tried to hold it but she held her grip on the bed. He settled for touching the outside of her hand softly as he looked up into her face. He struggled to get a look directly into her eyes since hers were transfixed on the ground trying to avoid him seeing anything inside of her. He stepped towards her again needing some form of acknowledgement.   
  
She seemed frozen against him; standing there rigidly with her arms straight down at her sides and down to the bed, which she gripped mercilessly. He had now stepped up to her so that he was standing right in front of her, barely inches between them. He raised his hands up to her arms and rubbed them softly and comfortingly. She was tight and seemingly unresponsive to him but inside she was struggling to contain herself.   
  
"Faith, can you listen to what you feel inside and actually trust it? You don't need to hold back everything. I know you think you do, and believe me, there are a lot of things that you don't listen to because you know how dangerous they are but Faith, please, be a little less strong than you think you have to be about this. Need somebody… need me." He needed so badly to just be able to hold her and take away some of the tension that was clearly shredding her apart inside – if it was hurting her it was killing him.   
  
She knew and she was aware that he knew it too – she loved him and there was no denying it. With him it hadn't just been one of those first time loves that seem strong but eventually can be gotten over – she loved him and until the day she died she knew she would still feel the same way about him. But everything inside of her screamed conflicting paths: she wanted to just let go and have him hold her so tightly she wouldn't be able to breath or feel the pain inside of her but at the same time she wasn't sure if she could let go and not take with it the consequences of completely letting go. She was scared of herself and he knew it.   
  
"Faith, this doesn't have to be anything – you don't have to make this your decision – but please, let me hold you." It was a weird feeling but he didn't think he was just making it up – her skin seemed to soften to his touch even if her muscles hadn't yet. He stopped the slow motion with his hands and held them still on her arms.   
  
As she was halfway through a seeming sigh of relief and acceptance a cop car pursuing a speeding vehicle on the street outside of the Wolfram & Hart building went by, its sirens clearly audible and the flashing lights were clearly reflected off of the windows in the room. Xander felt the tension rip through her like a bolt of lightning had struck. Her back had originally been to the window and she quickly jumped away from the bed and turned looking at the window as she backed up. Xander had jumped as well as the screaming sirens went by – he moved quickly towards the window wanting to be able to pacify her that it was going by.   
  
"It's nothing," he soothed, walking back towards her. She shook her head from side of side, still fairly panicked,   
  
"I can't do this… I can't… I don't want it to be over… I don't want to go back… I can't… I don't want to be done… Xander, I don't want it to be over," she stammered, closely bordering hysterics. Xander quickly left the window and went to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her when he reached her,   
  
"It's okay, it was just a speeding car or something…" He held her as tightly as he could, feeling her thundering pulse against his skin.   
  
"I don't want to be done… I can't-"   
  
"What are you talking about?"   
  
"You really think if they catch me they're just going to lock me up again?" she asked, tears brimming her eyes as she asked him. He quickly became aware of what she was talking about – an escaped con guilty on several counts of murder and assault, and one who had murdered again, wasn't likely to just get locked up again, the punishment would most likely be far more severe.   
  
"It's going to be okay," he soothed, even though his own voice had begun to falter. Seeing her cry was the quickest way to make him upset over something.   
  
"Okay," she said, forcing herself to regain her composure, "I just have to figure this out. I just have to think about what I'm going to do and…" she began to chant aloud stepping away from his hold and pacing slowly back and forth. "God this used to be so much easier!" she stated angrily. "Okay," she began again, "I just have to stay cool and do what I got to do and not worry about it… they don't have anything so I'm alright… I just have to-" She had forced her entire demeanor to shift now at least appearing strong and in control of everything   
  
"Faith…" She stopped pacing and looked over at him. "They have Kennedy."   
  
"What are you talking about?" she asked, her tone angry.   
  
"I just got the quick explanation from Willow, apparently it had something to do with these pictures," he reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out the pictures of the two of them and handed them to Faith. She took them and didn't even look at them, she just remained looking at Xander. "The authorities figured out she knew you and they arrested her on those grounds."   
  
"No they didn't," she stated, needing desperately to be right. "They can't do that."   
  
"Like you said, we just need to think about this and figure it out and-" he said trying to keep her in her composed state that he could tell she was quickly drifting away from.   
  
"Why would they do that? Is she okay? They can't hurt her, right?"   
  
"Hey," he said softly walking back up to her and holding her arms, "it's okay."   
  
"I don't want to go back but I'm not letting her stay there. We've got to go… I can't let her stay there… I…"   
  
"Whoa, we just need to think about this," he stated holding onto her tightly.   
  
"I don't have time to think," she snapped, "I just need to get her out of there and there's a very simple solution to that."   
  
"No!" he yelled, "that's not going to be the plan. You do need to think about this because you need to get both of you out of there."   
  
"That's not going to happen. I either walk in there with my hands up and never see the light of day again or I go in there fighting and get myself and possibly her killed."   
  
"These aren't demons you're fighting, they have rules they have to run by, they can't kill you."   
  
"Xander, if I walk in there with a fight they're not going to hesitate pulling triggers. They want me dead anyway."   
  
"No!" he stated angrily. He held her arms tightly again, "I'm not going to lose you! I can't lose you…" She stayed still in his arms looking down into his chest pensively. He held her needing it more than his next breath and he couldn't help but hate himself for waiting this long to get her back so that he only had a few moments before he would have to let her go and perhaps never be able to hold her again. He had his head rested on top of hers but after a few moments of noticing how still she was he brought his head back to look at her.   
  
Like the calm before the storm her eyes were still and soft and her features were blank and motionless. She looked up into his face and he saw the tears start to stream from the corners of her eyes. The silent tears quickly became sobs that she tried to mute by burying her face in his chest. She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him tightly and both of them sank to the ground; Xander sat with one leg underneath him and the other propped up with his knee bent and she sat nestled in his lap. The side of her face rested on his chest now as he gently stroked her other cheek with his hand trying to dry away the tears. As he dried one section of her cheek and moved to another, the first was drenched again by the steady stream flowing across her cheeks. She shook slightly in his arms as she cried – a sight he had only been the third person to ever witness, only preceded by Angel and Wesley from a distance.   
  
Trying her hardest to stifle her sobs, Faith looked up at Xander broodingly,   
  
"Do you love me?" she asked through breathy sobs and strained voice. Her tone didn't yearn for a specific answer it just longed for the feeling of truth. Xander looked into her eyes deeply and answered,   
  
"I love you more than life itself." She lifted her lips to his and kissed him softly then rested her head on his chest again.   
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered. He just held her quietly fighting back his own tears from flowing. She readjusted her head on his chest and gripped his shirt in her fist. "You love me?" she asked again.   
  
"I love you," he said looking into her face. She leaned forward and kissed him again, caressing his lips softer than it seemed possible. He loved the way she kissed him but it broke his heart as he felt her lips trembling against his because of how much she was struggling to keep from crying anymore.   
  
"I'll always feel this way about you," she whispered, her lips still touching his. He knew how much her words meant but he couldn't help but hear the piece of her tone that was convinced it was over for her.   
  
"Faith, you're coming back," he stated firmly but unable to hide how close he was to tears himself.   
  
"Yeah," she soothed with a soft nod as she stroked his cheek, "I'll be back and tonight we can hang out and watch some bad, old movie together, and we can get some pizza, and we can eat more than we should in a week, and you can hold me and make love to me and we'll fall asleep with you still inside of me and-" her forced smile finally collapsed and her trembling lips finally needed to be clenched tightly shut and her squinted eyes finally released a tidal wave of tears. "I'll be back and tonight we'll be together… I'll be back and… and you'll…" She stopped herself and wiped the tears from her eyes and stood up off of his lap. She felt like she couldn't breathe.   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"I've got to get her out of there, Xander."   
  
--------------------   
  
"Let's try this once again, shall we? Who is the woman in the picture," the interrogator asked again, barely able to regain and maintain his composure. Kennedy stared off into space aloofly not even looking in the direction of the picture. The man slammed his fist down onto the table to get her attention. She jumped at the sudden noise and he slammed another picture down in front of her. Opposed to the first picture he showed which was of Faith in a normal headshot the second was a picture taken after she had gotten into a huge brawl involving both inmates and several guards. Her face was badly bruised and she looked exhausted and drained. Kennedy swallowed hard at the picture, knowing it was an image that would forever be ingrained in her memory.   
  
"Who is she?" the interrogator pressed again. Kennedy didn't even move a muscle in her face to answer and he added, "fine, I'll tell you who she is, she' s a psychopathic, murdering fucking whore is who she is!" he screamed. At that Kennedy jumped out of her seat hitting the table in front of her with her legs as she got up, sending it flying forward into the guy. He stepped quickly to the side to avoid the direct blow but his expression with his twisted lips was a good indication that he'd have a nice bruise the next day. Her hands were still tightly bound behind her and she kept her mouth as tightly shut. With her jaw twitching from anger she sat back down in her seat as though nothing had happened.   
  
"So you do know her…"   
  
"Yes," Kennedy finally answered.   
  
"Do you know how many people she's killed?"   
  
"No," Kennedy answered honestly.   
  
"Do you want me to tell you?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Okay," he answered as though she had answered yes. He flipped open one of the manila envelopes he had on the table and took out a series of prints and lined them up in front of her. There were several pictures of the victim from the club – frontal shots showing the stab wound through his chest; there were pictures of Finch, the Mayor's assistant with a wound through his heart, and there were pictures of the professor with several stab wounds through his chest as well. Kennedy felt a flood of nausea rush through her stomach and she quickly averted her eyes. The man left the pictures in front of her and walked out of the room.   
  
----------------   
  
Willow paced anxiously back and forth in the kitchen. Wood hung up the telephone with a sigh and shook his head at Giles.   
  
"They're just sending me around in circles… I get one number and they either say they've transferred her to another location and give me a different number or when I call the new number they tell me they don't know what I'm talking about and they give me somewhere else to call!"   
  
"We should've followed them… we shouldn't have let them out of our sight! We deal with demons and vampires but we let a group of police officers lock us in the dark!" Willow stated frantically. They had contacted Angel and Wesley and let them know about the difficulty locating Kennedy and they too were on the hunt to find her whereabouts.   
  
------------------   
  
"This is getting nowhere," the interrogator stated angrily. "This is ridiculous – first of all, I doubt this woman, judging by her perfidious records is going to come back to clear anyone's name, and secondly, this girl is most definitely a friend of hers because she's just as bloody difficult to deal with! We're trading one pain in the ass for another here… hell, she doesn't even prevaricate, she just doesn't even acknowledge the questions."   
  
"She seems alright," Stevenson defended jokingly – him and his squad still amused over the table being send flying into the pompous interrogator.   
  
"Oh yeah, a real princess of rectitude…"  
  
"Don't you wish you could have kids just like her some day?" he asked sarcastically. The chief, Officer Brian, stepped in and added,   
  
"If she's acting like she's got something to hide than there's going to be no trade."   
  
"So now you're not sequestering Faith?" the man asked with confusion.   
  
"No, of course we will. Are you kidding, if we see that girl we're jumping on her and I don't care if we have to chain her up, she's coming into custody. But if this one seems like she's in on something than she has to remain under surveillance as well… we have more than enough to extend the warrant."   
  
----------------------   
  
"Okay," Buffy answered definitively as she hung up the phone with Wesley.   
  
"What's up?" Wood asked quickly. He walked in pace with her as she headed quickly for her jacket on the kitchen table.   
  
"They got me a location – she's being held at Lockwood Penitentiary Quarters in the Interrogation Wing. It's a maximum security federal prison… they're not playing around. But unfortunately it's actually closer to LA than it is to here… apparently they kept getting transferred until they finally moved into LA's branch of holdings."   
  
"How far from LA?" Giles asked.  
  
"About two hours out of the city…"  
  
"So we're off by a long shot here."   
  
"If I leave now then-"   
  
"Then you won't be there for hours…" Giles concluded.   
  
"Giles, I'm not going to wait around here and wait for Faith to step up and do the right thing… the life of a Slayer is known to be short, I don't want to spend the rest of it waiting for that miracle."   
  
-----------------------   
  
Angel, Lorne, and Wesley had all formed a little camp out in one of the corridors leading towards Faith's digs. Angel leaned on the wall as Wesley sat with his upper body slumped over his legs and Lorne sat comfortably with a stiff cocktail. After extensive research and endless calls and contacts they had finally found the location, at least temporarily, of Kennedy's whereabouts. They had given that information to Buffy and now they had to wait on Faith. Ultimately it was her decision and Angel nor anyone else was going to try and take it away from her. It was her life and – in this situation – it was ultimately her choice as to how she wanted it to end.   
  
Angel was the first to hear the door open and the firm footsteps along the corridor ground. He turned his attention quickly towards the direction of Faith's door and the others followed suit. She appeared from around the corner with Xander barely a pace behind her,   
  
"Faith-" Angel began but was cut off by her immediately demand,  
  
"Keys."   
  
"What?"   
  
"I need a car," she answered bluntly walking past him and continuing in the direction towards the main building and his office. Lorne, Wesley and Angel followed Xander behind her towards the office.   
  
"Faith, listen to me," Angel interjected as she began to shuffle through the papers in his desk drawer.   
  
"Where are they?"   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"I know you've got like fifty cars downstairs, where-"  
  
"Faith, you have to listen." He continued talking to her as he followed her out of his office, across the hall, and into Wesley's office. "This isn't just some pickup you're doing…" he explained. She reached under the desk and only a few moments later pulled out a gun.  
  
"I know," she answered.   
  
"How did you know that was there?" Wesley asked dumbfounded. She shrugged and answered,   
  
"I know your type, Wes." All present witnesses were all too aware of the shift in Faith's demeanor from earlier that night. If not observed fully it was possible to misdiagnose her state as having drifted back into the darkness, but Xander soothed his fears – if soothed could be the term – by watching the tightly clenched muscle of her jaw that she held firmly to maintain her seemingly indifferent composure.   
  
"Faith-" Angel began again.  
  
"Angel, keys," she repeated firmly.  
  
"They're all in the cars," he submitted. She gave a slight nod of acknowledgement in his direction and headed out of the door and towards the garage.   
  
---------------------------   
  
Joey, the officer that had been working closely with Stevenson on the case outside of the bar in LA walked through the corridor in the interrogation wing of the penitentiary. He was accompanied by Eddy one of the old time officers that had worked at Stockton Penitentiary while Faith had been held there. Due to his seniority at the penitentiary he was able to pick which time slots he wanted to fill. He wasn't old in any sense of the word, just barely past his thirtieth birthday, but the way he liked to think of it, if you lasted more than a week in this place than you have seniority. He had gotten wind of the major task underway and found out his girl Faith was what all the huff was about. He had been the guard working the yard while she was serving time and he had to say – he loved that chick!   
  
She just brightened his day… he liked that she would talk to him straight – say what she wanted to say and didn't spare anything – not like he was a guard, just like he was a person. Working in a place like this, it was easy to forget that everyone there was just a person. He had taken an interest in her case and familiarized himself with her background; even after her escape he still had respect for the girl. She had a hard time with the majority of the guards in the place – he knew it was probably just because they were all intimidated to the bone by her – and a hell of a lot more trouble with the other cons, but the people she did get along with, they were still talking about her on occasion and small phrases coined by her were still being tossed around by a few of the guards.  
  
Joe and Ed were making their way towards the room where Kennedy was being held. They walked into the adjacent room where the group of officers were gathered with a glass wall in at the room Kennedy was sitting in.   
  
"So what do we got?" Ed asked, handing a cup of coffee over to Officer Brian. "Is this girl a friend of Faith's?"   
  
"You talk about her like you two are buds," Stevenson mocked.   
  
"We kind of were," he answered. "I've got nothing against her… she didn't start anything with anyone and most of the other woman were too scared to do anything to her so in the long run it just made my job easier."   
  
"Oh, so you have nothing against the convicted murderer?"   
  
"I know it sounds strange, but she's a nice kid," he defended without getting defensive.   
  
"Nice looking is about the only way I can see that word being used with her."   
  
"Well, I don't know about you, but I think I'm the only person in here that's actually held a conversation with her, several, I might add, and my opinion of her is that she's a nice girl." Joey stood rigidly in the room – he worked with Stevenson but as far as this case went he was having a lot of trouble dealing with him. His liked to maintain a neutral approach in every case and this one right from the beginning, he felt that his partner's vision had been skewed against this girl. He couldn't help but jump slightly when Officer Brian's cell phone rang loudly throughout the room. He picked up the phone and had a short conversation in which the entire room remained silent.   
  
-------------------------   
  
Xander ran briskly behind Faith through the maze of corridors and secret entrances that they needed to go through in order to end up in Angel's toy box. He made a mental note that Faith was jogging through the corridors; to him it meant she was nervous. From casual sweeps to detrimental missions he had always noticed Faith would walk quickly, but it was always a walk, if not a strut. To him, her jogging signaled insecurity and fear, a big flashing light going off that she believed she was too late before she had even started.   
  
They reached the garage a Faith scanned the cars quickly then headed straight towards a black, Ford Mustang Convertible.   
  
"Girl knows what she likes," Xander commented as she reached for the door handle.   
  
"I just need to know what'll get me there fast," she answered shortly.   
  
"Okay," he answered, his tone trying to get her to stop being so agitated. The top was down and he motioned to jump in and she quickly set herself between him and his destination.   
  
"What are you doing?" she asked quickly.   
  
"Getting in the car," he stated, confused that she doubted he was coming at any point but both firm as to not allow that doubt to go any further if she had.   
  
"No."   
  
"And why not?"   
  
"Xander!" she defended childishly – her tone could be likened to a younger sibling whining at their older brother when they just couldn't explain why they were right they just were and it couldn't be questioned.   
  
"I'm coming with you," he stated, giving her no other option, and stepped around her and motioned to get into the car again.   
  
"You can't!" she answered, moving in front of him again and grabbing his arm. He used the hand of the arm she was holding to touch her waist and eased her to the side so he could get in the car, "Xander, stop it," she said, her tone shifting from a demanding yell now to an almost submissive plea.   
  
"Why?" She took a deep breath to soothe her frustration that he wasn't just listening to her but insisting on an explanation; one which she knew he knew was hard for her.   
  
"I'm terrified that I'm not going to be able to do this and while I'm trying, if anything happens to her I don't know what I'll do… I can't even start to think about what I would do if something happened to you." Xander nodded understandingly, leaned forward and kissed her softly on her cheek. She closed her eyes for a moment to just calm her nerves and allow herself to enjoy him for a just a moment. He stood up straight and without even looking back over at him she turned towards the car and got into the driver's seat. She started the car and listened to thunderous purr of the engine. She took another deep breath then glanced over her shoulder towards where Xander had been standing. A panic swept through her seeing no one and she looked around her almost frantically. She finally turned her eyes towards the passenger seat and saw him sitting comfortably, already buckled in.   
  
"Did any of that sentimental shit mean anything to you?" she asked more in disbelief than anger.   
  
"Yes," he answered blankly. Then with a slight smile cutting across his face he added, "but the thought of passing up getting to be in a muscle car like this with you 'steering it around the curves' and then possibly getting to see you in some serious bondage… sounds like the beginning of a damn good porn movie if you ask me." She closed her eyes and by the time she opened them they both couldn't hide the grin on their faces.   
  
"Freak," she muttered jokingly. With a sigh she shifted the car into gear and sped out of the garage.  
  
----------------------------------   
  
While waiting for Officer Brian's conversation to come to a close, Joey took the opportunity to get a good visual of Kennedy.   
  
She was sitting in the empty room alone and although she certainly seemed to have a level of anxiety in her, she seemed strangely confident and she seemed to radiate a sense of strength. He laughed inwardly at himself for making such presumptuous observations when he was just looking at a girl sitting alone in a room completely still and unfocused on anything.   
  
"We've got to transfer," Brian announced as he hung up the phone.   
  
"What?" Stevenson asked quickly. The interrogator's expression was that of relief, the transfer meaning that he no longer had to deal with Kennedy. He too sensed the strength and confidence that Kennedy held – the demeanor of a Slayer – and it put him on edge. He wasn't used to dealing with people that were so strong.   
  
"They want us to move again."   
  
"Sir," Joey asked, "If I may, what exactly is the point of this? Don't we want Faith to know where she is so that she'll come here or are we hoping that she'll come here and we'll already be gone?"   
  
"A direct interception would be very dangerous," he answered honestly. "I'd like to avoid having both of these girls on the same premises if possible."   
  
"I'll-" Stevenson began but Joey quickly cut him off with Ed ready right behind him,   
  
"I'll bring her out to the car." Joey and Ed walked through the door and into the room Kennedy was in.   
  
----------------------   
  
"So let me try and get this, you guys have to be subordinate to them until you become scummy assholes…" Kennedy conjectured. Joey tried to maintain a respectful countenance but Eddy broke out in laughter.   
  
"I don't care what they say," Eddy claimed through his laughter, "you're definitely a friend of Faith's." Kennedy couldn't help but feel a rush of pride being so easily associated with someone she thought so much of.   
  
"Did you know her?" Kennedy asked as they walked through the corridor. She was handcuffed behind her back and Eddy and Joey both were walking at her sides with their hands around her arms. They were both talking in a friendly, relaxed manner but she assumed from working in a place like this that it had become habitual for them to keep their other, free hand firmly planted on their guns around their waist.   
  
"Yeah I knew her," Eddy said with a smile. "You two close?" he asked jovially. Kennedy began to answer but Joey immediately cut her off.   
  
"I just want to make sure you know that we'll be responsible to report anything you say that might be evidence." Kennedy nodded, appreciating his honesty and integrity. They reached the car and Eddy helped Kennedy into the backseat. Stevenson, Brian, and Carter all approached from a different route they had taken out of the building and filed into two other police cars: Carter and Stevenson into one and Brian into the other.  
  
----------------   
  
"So," Lorne chirped in, breaking the silence that had been yet to be broken since Faith and Xander had exited. Everyone exchanged worried glances and Lorne continued, "do you think those two made up while they were in her room? They seemed a lot more… together, but not really, but I'm just assuming it's as together as Faith let's herself seem with someone who she's maybe, possibly-"   
  
"Lorne," Angel scolded.   
  
"They do, don't they Wesley?"  
  
"I don't see it ending well," Wesley answered.   
  
"They two of them?" Lorne asked baffled by Wesley's negativity, "those two were made for one another – it radiates off of them like nuclear radiation in a power plant!"   
  
"No, I meant this… this situation. How can it end well? Angel, we didn't even inquire about her plan! Did she even go with a plan?"   
  
"I'm riding on the fact that Faith's not going to let Kennedy get hurt and Xander's not going to let Faith get hurt…"   
  
"What about Xander?"   
  
----------------   
  
Faith sped down the narrow side street at eighty five miles an hour – the speed wasn't really what was scaring him, it was just the fact that the street she insisted on driving on was only wide enough for the car and perhaps one of Xander's big toes to go by each other at the same time and the road was a twenty miles an hour speed zone, and that was ignoring the stop signs at every intersection that she was whizzing by.   
  
"So what's this sudden interest in what I look like in bondage?" she asked glancing over at him. He forced himself to answer the question quickly wanting her to look back to the road as soon as possible.   
  
"I don't know," he shrugged, "heard it suited you."   
  
"Yeah," she said with a sarcastic laugh, "suits me about as well as the picket fence and two point five kids."   
  
"You'd like that," he answered.   
  
"Sure, I like it when a guy can tie me down once in a while, but-"   
  
"I meant the other part."   
  
"Let's stick to realistic fantasies, shall we?"   
  
"Why can't that be realistic?"   
  
"Cause it can't," she answered, her tone more defensive than it needed to be.   
  
"Why?" he asked with a smile.   
  
"I can't have kids, alright."   
  
"Faith, talk to me," he soothed, seeing how riled she was getting.   
  
"Not really the time, babe," she answered, swerving slightly as a car approached perpendicularly to theirs from another street. She passed it quickly and Xander reached his hand to hers and touched it gently. She glanced over at his face then added, "I was pregnant a long time ago and I was way too young to be spitting out a kid so I went in to one of those shady clinics and they took care of it but they said they fucked up or something and I can't have kids…"   
  
"I didn't know that…"   
  
"You're the first," she stated nonchalantly, wanting as quickly to forget the conversation as the passing street names they were flying past.   
  
"Faith…"   
  
"I don't want to talk about it, okay," she scolded.   
  
"No, Faith, look!" Xander repeated as they quickly approached a cross street with a car driving in front of them. He hadn't even realized until after he said it that it was a police car. She slammed on the breaks, the screeching tires echoing noisily off the sides of the concrete buildings. The car skidded forward into the cross street and she turned the tire to the side as soon as she realized the type of vehicle. She turned the wheel away from the direction the cop car had been going in wanting to be able to get a head start away once the turn was made but as the car came back under control, sliding sideways into the other street so that the car was now facing the right direction to be traveling on the cross street she heard another vehicles screeching tires.   
  
"Oh shit!" Joey yelled as he slammed on the breaks causing Kennedy and Eddy both to be jerked forward in their seats, Kennedy more so due to her lacking the stability support of her hands.   
  
"Oh my God!" Kennedy yelled seeing Faith and Xander now stopped right in front of them looking right at them.   
  
"This is going to be interesting," Eddy commented recognizing Faith immediately. Brian had been the first car, which had now stopped, quickly realizing the hold up and Stevenson and Carter both un-holstered their guns and exited their vehicle, shielding themselves with the door.   
  
Faith quickly realized her luck – still unsure whether it was good or bad but – she jumped out of the car with her hands clearly held at her sides.   
  
"Xander, stay down," she commanded softly as she left him in the car. He stayed quiet until he saw the gun she had taken from Wesley still lying on the empty driver's seat.   
  
"Faith!" he scolded, angry that this had become her plan.   
  
"Kennedy," she called, approaching the cop car slowly, "are you okay?"   
  
"Faith," Eddy stated, slowly exiting the vehicle with his gun ready at his side, "she's okay, Faith." Joey exited the vehicle as well, following Ed's example and having his gun ready but not cocked.   
  
"Faith," Brian said, standing cautiously by his car that was located behind her back. His tone was firm but the fear in it was obvious. "Don't try and pull any stupid stunts here," he warned.   
  
"Kennedy!" she called out, ignoring his warning.   
  
"She's okay, Faith," Eddy promised. "She's fine."   
  
"Kennedy!" she called again.   
  
"Joe," Ed said quickly. Joey nodded and with his hands clearly visible to Faith he approached the backseat of his car and opened the door, helping Kennedy out. Stevenson watched angrily but still afraid to come out from behind his car.   
  
"I wouldn't lie to you," Eddy said honestly, "she's fine."   
  
"Me for her, Eddy, no tricks," Faith promised.   
  
"What?" Kennedy asked, completely not in agreement with Faith's promise. The rest of the officers began to slowly approach closer to Faith, their guns ready in front of them but pointed towards the ground. Xander shook furiously in the car watching what was going on – it made him furious to see other guys even looking at her, now he had to watch a pack of them not only looking at her but ready to shoot her if she breathed wrong too.   
  
"No tricks?" Eddy asked taking another step towards her.   
  
"Nothing shady… go ahead, cuff me," she added holding her hands out towards him. He grabbed the cuffs from his waist and secured one hand then running the cuffs through the door frame and the empty space of where the window went when it wasn't rolled down as it was he secured the second so that she was now cuffed to the car door. Xander was sick seeing how cowardly all of the other officers were, only rushing forward now that she was chained up. He became furious when he saw them slam her up against the car and check her for weapons, or tricks, or maybe even a rabbit up her sleeve… who knows what they could be hassling her about. He felt his insides screaming seeing how she was just holding everything in and not even muttering a word of protest as they roughly pushed her and patted her down.   
  
"She's clean," Joey stated wanting to get everyone to back off.   
  
"Faith…" Kennedy muttered sadly, seeing like Xander, how much she was holding back. And for what? Her.   
  
"You okay?" Faith asked.  
  
"I'm fine, Faith, I'm fine."   
  
"Now let her go." Joey walked towards Kennedy and Stevenson immediately yelled,   
  
"No way!"   
  
"Eddy!" Faith yelled over to him, her tone panicked. "No tricks… that goes both ways. Here I am, I don't get any more chained up than this! Let her go!"  
  
"Faith," Brian stated, "she just needs to go through an interrogation session than she'll be free to go… that's just some questions… it's no big deal."   
  
"Let her go!" she screamed furiously.   
  
"You don't get to give orders," Stevenson yelled back. All of the officers were standing in a huddle on the side of one police car, the one directly in front of the Mustang, with Faith cuffed to the front door and Kennedy standing still cuffed by the truck. Joey was standing behind Kennedy, Eddy behind Faith, Brian and Carter were standing by the hood of the vehicle and Stevenson was standing between Faith and Kennedy. All of them had resheathed their guns when Xander approached holding Wesley's gun ready in front of him. He stood in front of Faith at an angle, about two meters off of the car.   
  
"Uncuff her," he demanded looking at Kennedy. He held his gun up towards Joey as he made his demand. Following hostage procedure, Joey tried to control his shaking hand as he tried to unlock the cuffs around Kennedy's wrist. He undid both and then dropped them to the ground,   
  
"Alright," Joey answered.   
  
"You," Xander said now pointing his gun at Eddy, "get those off of her right now!" His voice was shaking with anger but the gun was held steady at it's target.   
  
"It's okay," Faith answered, "just get her out of here." Officer Stevenson heard Kennedy take a step towards Xander and he quickly reached for and pulled out his gun,   
  
"I don't think so," he yelled, pointing the barrel of his gun right into Faith's face. She held her breath tightly then gasped hearing the loud gunshot explode in front of her. It took her a moment to realize the loud sound hadn't send a bullet into her. She opened her eyes and saw Stevenson fall to the ground, blood pouring from his skull.   
  
"Now I said, fucking un-cuff her!" he screamed at Eddy.   
  
"Okay," he said nervously.   
  
"Nobody fucking move or I'll fucking put a bullet in every single one of your heads," he threatened viciously.   
  
"Okay," Eddy repeated as the cuffs fell to the ground.   
  
"Nobody try anything," Xander warned as he backed towards the car with Kennedy backing up behind him towards the car. He had to reach forward and grab Faith by the arm to snap her out of her daze. She couldn't breathe – it wasn't like there was anything keeping her from her next breath it was more that she felt that she had forgotten how to inhale.   
  
Brian and Carter bent down to Stevenson's body, immediately checking for the vital signs that were nowhere to be found and Eddy and Joe remained motionless as Faith, Kennedy, and Xander backed into the car and Xander drove away quickly. Once they were out of sight Joey immediately picked up his radio,   
  
"Officer down, officer down, I repeat, officer down! Keep a close eye out for a speeding black mustang convertible heading due South from location." 


	24. Part XXIV

Adjustment – Part XXIV  
  
Xander pulled into a motel parking lot that was placed out of sight behind the building. The real truth that everyone knew was that all successful motels had hidden parking lots; the reason for this was that the main use for a motel was usually for some sort of illicit affair and those engaging in such didn't like to be able to be spotted by passing vehicles. It also made the lots great places for people trying to just not be seen. He pulled the car into a corner spot shielded from view even more by the adjacent SUV. The entire ride had gone by in silence as Xander drove wildly away from the scene but then lowered the speed down to a hopefully unnoticeable one. They had driven for over an hour before they found this place, probably a complete dive, but ideal for what they were looking for.   
  
Xander turned off the car then looked over at Faith who was sitting there rigidly and unmoved as if she didn't notice the car had parked. Her expression was blank but it was clear that she had a million things on her mind. Xander lowered his hand to hers and entangled his fingers between each of hers then after a soft squeeze he picked her hand up and kissed it. She looked into his face over her hand, which he held in front of his face waiting for acknowledgment, giving a soft nod of admission. He lowered her hand then exited the car and headed for the motel office – he was feeling like a little too much of a pro at this, it being the second day in a row.   
  
Faith opened her door and got out of the car and Kennedy followed suit behind her. For the first time she looked over at Kennedy, looking her over slowly needing to know that she was completely okay.   
  
"Faith, I'm okay," she promised, seeing the intense worry and guilt on her face. Faith nodded in response then Kennedy added, "I mean, I'm not okay okay after what happened today, but I'm okay." She received another nod from Faith that she felt like she had to continue talking, even if it was coming out as meaningless prattle. "I'm just not used to seeing that… you know…"   
  
"Don't ever get used to seeing that." Her words shook Kennedy to the bone and she couldn't help but remember the pictures the interrogator had placed in front of her on that table.   
  
"Was that the plan?" Kennedy had to ask. As she voiced her question Xander returned to the lot with a key in hand. Faith answered flatly,   
  
"No, that wasn't the plan."   
  
"Oh," Kennedy answered as they walked into the motel room. Xander finally slipped, losing his tightly held equanimity and answered angrily,   
  
"He had a fucking gun to your face and you think I'm not going to do something about it? You said it yourself, they're not going to fucking hesitate pulling that trigger on you!" Kennedy immediately tensed up and shot her focus over to Faith ready for a screaming match to ensue – she didn't know if they were mad at each other but she did know that the tension-meter in the car had skyrocketed.   
  
She was surprised to see Faith just walk into the room quietly with the demeanor of a saint. Xander locked the door to the room then marched over to her on the other side of the room,   
  
"Faith… look at your wrists, their bleeding… those fucks had you in cuffs for five minutes and your wrists are fucking bleeding… and that was in broad daylight in public. What would they have done to you in the precinct behind closed doors? Huh? I know what they'd do to you! I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't… I couldn't… I couldn't let them take you… they can't take you away from me, I won't let them."   
  
"Okay," she answered blankly.   
  
"Listen, I'm sorry, Faith, but I'm not exactly the seasoned veteran with this shit so if I'm freaking out, excuse me," he added, his tone much more biting. She was more hurt than offended by what he said and he could tell that this was just her way of dealing with something that she had promised herself she would never have to deal with dealing again. Kennedy watched them closely – Xander sighed heavily turning away from her and running his hand through his hair before turning back and walking up to her. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and rested his lips against her ear whispering, "I can't lose you, Faith, I just can't."   
  
--------------------------   
  
"They had it all fucking planned out!" Carter yelled angrily, "and we walked right into it! We were so preoccupied with the girl that we didn't even think about checking the car for anyone!"   
  
"It was a big mistake," Brian admitted.   
  
"That didn't seem planned to me," Eddy defended.   
  
"How did that not seem planned?" Brian asked, "she shows up, plays nice, gets the girl then runs off leaving us with a dead officer."   
  
"Sir," Joey answered, "when the guy was telling Eddy to un-cuff her she did tell him to just take Kennedy and to let them take her. She stood by the deal. I think all she came for was to get that girl out of here and turn herself in."  
  
"You know what Joey, shut your mouth! Can you have a little bit of loyalty to your partner here? He's dead! He's your partner Joey… can you have a little more loyalty for him that just some pretty face you saw? Hot girls can be killers too, Joey, you better learn that now." Officer Brian scolded, his face still beaded with sweat as they loaded Stevenson's body into the coroners van in a body bag.   
  
"This is going to be a mess to write a report up on," Carter said with a sigh. He was met with looks of agreement from everyone except for Joey,   
  
"Do you plan on writing down how many violations of procedure there were?"   
  
"What did you have in mind?"   
  
"Well let's just start at the fact that Officer Brian walked past her vehicle and didn't notice the full sized male sitting in the car and then we can close with the fact that Stevenson violated all protocol by pulling his gun out to face off an unknown persons already holding a gun at an officer!"  
  
"Well we'll be sure to rebuke him," Brian spat sardonically.   
  
"I'm as upset as everyone else here, let's not forget that he was my partner, but we need to look at this judiciously; by pulling his gun on Faith he changed the intent of the male completely. It threatened his integrity and-"  
  
"Not following you," Carter stated flatly, wanting to make opposition to their opinion as difficult as possible.   
  
"Excuse me," Joey answered, remaining composed, "but please correct me if I'm wrong but as they taught us in training, when you're put in a situation with a person threatening an officer with a gun you're trained to try and ease the situation and offer forth the demands the gun holder has. You're trained to give them what they want – anything to get the officer out of danger. The demand of the man with the gun was clearly to release Faith and certainly not to put the barrel of a gun in her face. Obviously there's an attachment between the shooter and Faith and by threatening her so violently he reacted in kind."   
  
"Well then I suppose all is forgiven," Carter answered sardonically.   
  
"There's no need for the sarcasm," Eddy snapped.   
  
"I'll be sure to have my written report ready by tomorrow morning," Joey added before exiting the scene.   
  
----------------------   
  
Faith walked out of the bathroom and saw Kennedy sitting restlessly on one of the single beds and Xander walking towards the door. She wasn't sure why but her stomach twisted painfully seeing him looking like he was leaving. She had to admit there had been way too many occasions with the two of them when he walked out of a room looking fairly similar to this one. She had to assume that the association was too great to go unnoticed by her subconscious.   
  
"Where are you going?" she asked quickly.   
  
"I was just going to give Angel a call," he answered calmly holding up a cell phone.   
  
"Oh," she answered, realizing how out of place her anxiety was, not to mention how out of character.   
  
"I'll be right back," he said reaching his hand for the door knob.  
  
"Why can't you just call him in here?"   
  
"Faith, is everything okay?"   
  
"Everything's just peachy," she answered sarcastically. "I just don't see why you can't just call in here…"   
  
"No service," he answered. "I'm just going to make a quick call and let him know what's the what and try and figure out what we're supposed to do." He had already assumed that Faith wanted nothing to do with planning their next step by the way she was behaving. She seemed overwhelmed and distant yet anxious. "Are you sure you're alright?"   
  
"Whatever," she answered angrily, turning away from him and walking back into the bathroom to fix her hair after her shower. Confusion, oh how he had learned to love it. He exited the motel room carefully both as to not attract attention to the fact that he was being careful and also to be on the lookout.   
  
"What's the deal with you guys now?" Kennedy asked, her tone all of a sudden very direct and almost accusing. She had been in a sort of shock up until this point and she had finally given herself the extra kick she needed to get over it – at least for now – and deal with what needed to be dealt with. And right now it was obvious to her that the first thing that needed to be dealt with was Faith. Her question went unanswered as Faith continued to towel dry her hair then run her fingers through it to bring it to its natural style. "You look like shit," Kennedy stated bluntly as Faith continued to do herself up in the mirror.   
  
"You looking to get your ass beat?" she asked angrily. Kennedy shrugged, un-phased and answered,   
  
"I don't know, it looks like I might be able to take you right now. You're looking a little stressed… maybe even a little tired."  
  
"Seems to be the look I get whenever I'm in these situations," she answered bitingly, "can't imagine why though, Kennedy."   
  
"I can see the whole psycho thing now," she added, like a scientist finally figuring out a theorem.   
  
"What?" Faith asked, the word drenched in rage. Kennedy shrugged – internally soothing the waves of fear rushing through her – and answered lightly,   
  
"I can see it now… I'm not sure why I get it all of a sudden but before I believed it but I never really saw it in you. Willow said it was because you liked hanging with me… that it made you happy so I never saw that side of you. When you were with Xander too, you were always really happy. I don't think he saw it in you either – but I guess he knew it was there… Willow told me about that time you tried to… sorry, side tracked myself there. It wasn't that I didn't know it was there but it's the difference between reading a book that tells you a Vampire is strong and having one wrestle you to the ground. But anyway, back to my point," Kennedy continued not leaving any time for Faith to interpolate any of her own opinions. "I can see how back in the day you freaked… I mean here you are pacing back and forth and being bitchy when you didn't even kill the guy…"   
  
"I was behind bars for what I did…"   
  
"Thanks to you I got to experience that too," she answered, still maintaining her neutral tone. "You know what your problem is Faith? You really are crazy… I took this psych class once and they talked about how the ego thinks of Good and Bad and the way they mesh together to make a person. Crazy people, such as yourself, don't believe in that mesh; you assume something is either entirely Good or entirely Bad, which is impossible and why you'll never be happy with yourself. There's no way you can be all Good… and you know that because of what you've done. Hey, those cops showed me some of the pictures of the people you killed, and let me tell you, there ain't all good in there, Faith."   
  
"Why would they show that to you?" Faith asked, her tone flustered. Xander entered the room silently, hearing the intense dialogue, and remained that way by the door unnoticed.   
  
"Listen, you need to stop being so damn crazy and let those two things mesh… for a girl that's so into sex you have a lot of trouble with that concept," she joked. "What happened today, take the good with the bad… you got me out and as a bonus you're still out too."   
  
"The price was that guy's life! We can't just take that away and shrug it off like it doesn't matter… we can't do that, we don't have the right to do that!"   
  
"Faith," Kennedy answered, her tone completely altered, now instead of condescending it was soothing and relieved, "you understand that. Why are you still so scared of yourself? You're not going to slip away into the darkness again… he won't let you," she said, acknowledging Xander standing in the corner. Faith turned quickly towards Xander; he saw the tension in her expression that had yet to dissipate from Kennedy's speech so he immediately changed the focus off of her,   
  
"Angel said to hold tight for a little while so he can figure out the best route for us to get back to Wolfram & Hart… then we make like bunnies and get over there asap."   
  
"Saw that bunny comment going in a whole other direction for a second there," Faith joked, trying to cover for her still un-recovered state. She knew she was in a room with two of the very few number of people who her covering wasn't covering anything but it was more of an insecurity thing than anything else. Even if she couldn't convince anyone else in the room she needed to pretend she was convincing herself.   
  
"I'm going to jump in the shower," Xander added, seeing the thankful hint in her expression that he had changed the focus. She did exactly as he expected; she gave a subtle acknowledgement with her eyes then turned away to busy herself with something else as though she were indifferent to anything he was doing. He smiled, pleased with himself that he was still so attuned to her foibles. Like everyone they were all rooted in insecurities but being with her while he was with her – and hopefully would get to be again – he came to love those small signs that seem like indifferent, if not bitchy, signs because really they were huge signs of affection. Her blatantly showing that he made her a little unsure of herself was about as big of a compliment as you could get from a girl like her.  
  
-----------------  
  
"Willow!" Andrew called ecstatically as he jogged into the living room where Willow was sitting with Buffy and Dawn. Robin jogged in behind Andrew wearing a mixed expression.   
  
"Andrew, what is it?" Willow asked nervously. He stood up straight and tall and took a deep breath,   
  
"We just got a call," he proclaimed, then began to shift back and forth from foot to foot with his eyes tilted upward as if he were reading the message written on his brain.   
  
"From who?" Buffy asked.   
  
"From Angel," he answered, his tone making it obvious that he was dragging out his message.   
  
"Andrew, just give them the bloody message!" Giles interjected, entering the room with an equally confusing expression to Wood's.   
  
"Fine!" he whined, then continued, "well, Angel called because Wesley got a call from Xander and Xander called Wesley because him and Faith went and got Kennedy out!"   
  
"Kennedy's out!" Willow exclaimed joyously.   
  
"Yup," Andrew answered proudly before taking a seat on the couch next to Dawn.   
  
"How'd she do it? Is everyone okay?" Willow asked, her tone still full of relief and excitement.   
  
"Yes, Andrew left out a few side notes," Giles commented, removing his glasses and wiping them carefully.   
  
"Here we go," Buffy stated with a sigh. Wood took a stance in the explanation and continued,  
  
"Faith's plan was to go to the precinct where Angel found out they were holding Kennedy and turn herself in, in exchange for Kennedy being released."   
  
"Faith had a plan? This already sounds fishy," Buffy interpolated.   
  
"They ran into the police in transit as they were moving Kennedy to a different location," Giles stated, taking over the conversation from Wood seeing the frustration amassing in his features.   
  
"And?" Dawn pressed anxiously.   
  
"And Faith got out of the car and surrendered herself to the police. Once they had her cuffed to the car they began to refuse to let Kennedy go and Xander jumped in, unfortunately toting a gun."  
  
"Xander?"   
  
"He held it up to one of the officers until they un-cuffed Kennedy then he demanded they do the same to Faith." Everyone's expressions simultaneously tightened – they all knew just how much Xander would do for Faith and the change in pitch of Giles voice confirmed their fears.   
  
"What happened?" Buffy asked firmly.   
  
"One of the officers pulled a gun on Faith and Xander shot him…" A silence filled the room like toxic fumes until Buffy muttered angrily,   
  
"I can't believe her."   
  
"Why 'her'?" Wood questioned quickly.   
  
"What do you mean, why?"   
  
"Buffy, maybe you misheard Giles but Faith didn't shoot the guy!"   
  
---------------   
  
Xander walked out of the bathroom, the steam spreading readily into the bedroom and then disappearing from view. Kennedy was asleep on one of the beds and Faith was sitting against the backboard to the other bed with her knees pulled up to her chest smoking a cigarette. He continued to towel off his hair while keeping a steady eye fixed on her.   
  
"You okay?" she asked, her tone trying to seem casual but it dripped with concern. She knew what that first night felt like after the accident with Finch. She had run on sheer instincts for the rest of the night – weighting and dumping the body, then getting back to her motel room as soon as possible, showering for over an hour to try and scrub her skin clean of the whole affair until she was nauseous and lightheaded from the heat in the shower. She knew how that night felt and how it felt now to look back on it and know it was the night that completely destroyed her.   
  
Xander looked up, almost surprised by the sign of worry, and saw that it was in fact uniformly painted on her face and not only in her words. He closed his lips tightly together and looked around pensively, shifting his gaze from the floor to the ceiling repeatedly before turning to her and answering,   
  
"I don't know. I don't know what this feels like… guess I really am kind of stupid, huh?"   
  
"No," she answered honestly, "I've spent years with nothing much else to think of and I still don't really know… I mean I think I know but I don't even really get me most of the time," she admitted with a soft smile. She got up off the bed and walked over to the small table by the window and snuffed out her cigarette in the ashtray. She looked musingly over at him for several long moments then turned away and looked at the crumpled cigarette lying isolated on the glass plate.   
  
"What is it?" Xander asked, walking a few paces closer to her. She shook her head then answered looking back up at him,   
  
"Xander, you're a great guy, and…" her tone showed she was really just thinking aloud, "and I've known you since forever ago and… you've always been a great guy. I mean a really really great guy," she emphasized, "I don't want to be a person who takes that away from you."   
  
"I'm going to take the liberty of extending that comment to, 'you've always been a great guy in bed… I mean a really really great guy in bed,'" Xander joked with a soft smile.   
  
"Why is it that the only affect I ever have on men is to make them obnoxious pigs?"   
  
"Wow, I went from great guy in bed to obnoxious pig… that takes talent."   
  
"Xander, I'm really sorry," she stated, the levity leaving her tone completely. They stood there, both looking down at the floor for a long moment of silence. They were standing about half a pace apart when Faith gently tapped his hand with hers then walked back to the bed, seating herself back similarly to the way she was before he exited the bathroom. She sat with her back against the backboard but with her legs extended and not bent.   
  
Xander gave his hair a finally ruffle with the towel then tossed the damp cloth onto the corner of the table that also held the ashtray. He took a deep breath then looked up at her sitting on the bed; she was a goddess to him. Always had been and always would be. He could recall every moment he had ever spent with her from the first night they had all laid eyes on her for the first time at the Bronze to the night he made himself go by the hospital and see her lying there completely motionless up to that day when he watched the world almost take her away from him as that officer held his gun up to her face. He could recall every moment he spent thinking about her from how captivated he was with all of her stories to driving around Sunnydale aimlessly the day after they had slept together just thinking of everything she must've gone through and how it all panned out. He could even recall every moment he spent wishing there were more moments in his life so he could be with her and think about her just a little bit longer.   
  
She sat on the bed quietly watching his features soften and his muscles relax as he looked at her and saw all that he was fighting for. She picked up on of her hands from the bed and held it out slightly towards him, encouraging him to come closer. He climbed onto the bed and she slid down slightly so that her elbows supported her. He laid down right against her with his head resting on her chest and his upper-body across her waist. He was facing towards her and he held her with his arm wrapped around her waist. She seemed to make everything just go away as she ran her fingers gently through his hair.   
  
"I love you," he said gently, looking up into her eyes without moving his head. He watched her face – her mouth didn't move but her face smiled affectionately down at him.   
  
"I love you too."   
  
-------------------- -  
  
"You alright?" Angel asked as he walked into Wesley's office. Wesley plopped down his tea mug then as he was about to answer the phone rang. Angel stood by understandingly as Wesley picked up the phone and answered,   
  
"What?" He nodded as he spoke as thought the person on the line was in the room not hundreds of miles away. "Yes… very good… yes… thank you. Cheers." He hung up the phone then turned to Angel. Angel observed him quietly, seeing the overwhelming stress and exhaustion on his face, he sat down across the desk.   
  
"How's it going?"   
  
"It's set," Wesley muttered. Angel sighed and readjusted himself in the seat,   
  
"I'm shocked by Xander… I mean, I've seen a lot in my time but I never saw that coming."   
  
"Love can do a lot to a person…"   
  
"You don't seem surprised."   
  
"There's nothing left in this world to surprise me," Wesley answered sternly. Angel nodded,   
  
"I know what you mean… it's still…"  
  
"Upsetting?"   
  
"Yes… although you seem strangely upset for someone who's so not upset," Angel commented.   
  
"I've learned to keep emotions away from things… especially when it comes to Faith. It seems to be the safest route."   
  
"The detachment of a Watcher…"   
  
"My role as a Watcher has hardly ever been recognized," he stated, "I'm not about to go around collecting hugs and kisses now."   
  
"Hey, Wes, you still in such a good mood?" Lorne asked with forced joviality as he entered the room nursing not one but two martini's. "Well, you girls ready for a our little road trip?"   
  
--------------------   
  
Kennedy opened her eyes, for a reason unbeknownst to her entirely to see a sight that brought a smile to her face immediately. The room was dark except for the faint glimmer of light through the window from one of the nearby street lamps. Faith was lying with Xander, stroking his forehead and running her fingers through his hair slowly just looking down at him contently. Faith felt her eyes watching her and slowly turned her attention over to Kennedy.  
  
"Hey," she muttered softly.   
  
"Hey," Kennedy answered, her head still remaining sleepily on the pillow. "Is it time to hit the road?" she asked with a groan.  
  
"Nah," Faith assured her.   
  
"You sure?"   
  
"Running late's kept me alive so far…" she kidded. "Don't worry about it, kid. Just get some rest, you look like you need it." Kennedy was almost taken aback by the caring and maternal tone from Faith. There was a softness to it that seemed so different from any words she had ever heard escape her mouth but it sounded strangely familiar and fitting. Whatever it was, Kennedy found it nice. She was handling the situation alright but it certainly didn't hurt to have Faith make her feel a little better about it all.   
  
"You look pretty tired too…"   
  
"Yeah," she admitted, "I am."   
  
"Why aren't you sleeping?"   
  
"I'm trying," she answered with a soft, even loving smile. Kennedy felt like Faith must've been feeling really guilty about the whole situation, and that was why she was being so nice because after all, everyone said she wasn't really that nice. But Kennedy knew, she knew it right from the beginning, under it all Faith was this nice. She wasn't sure why but she thought she saw something more of Faith's mom sitting there, even though she hadn't ever met or heard about her mom, or anything good anyway. She shrugged off the thought, knowing there probably wasn't as much goodness in anyone else in this world as there was in the woman in the next bed. She idolized her and she felt safe. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift back to sleep, happy to feel so safe again.   
  
--------------------   
  
"Would you just come in already?" Giles stated partly with frustration but mostly with laughter. Buffy had been pacing back and forth around the door to his office for the past half hour. She opened the door and walked in.   
  
"Thought it would start driving you crazy soon."   
  
"You were right," Giles answered. Everyone was exhausted and frustrated at the lack of news they were getting. No one had slept for fear of missing an update, all needing desperately to know what was going on.   
  
"I brought you some tea," Buffy said with a tired smile.   
  
"No you didn't," Giles answered with a joking glare. She shrugged wearing half a smile. "I haven't seen you smile that way since… well, before you even met Faith," he joked.   
  
"Yeah, well, I'm going to kill her as soon as I see her again so…" she answered, only allowing herself to be seen as half joking. The phone rang and both jumped, then Giles answered it almost excitedly but always with extreme apprehension. His hand hovered over the phone momentarily before picking it up,   
  
"Hello?" Giles listened in silence for a few moments then answered, "very well… alright… cheers."   
  
"What was that?" Buffy asked as he hung up the phone.   
  
"I don't think you'll be having the chance any time soon…"   
  
--------------------   
  
The first time she had been woken up she didn't know why but this time she knew and was shocked by it. When Faith had said she didn't mind being late, she had still assumed they would be leaving before the sun was lighting up the entire room. She moved her eyes across the room and sudden jumped into a sitting position finding the room empty except for her. She felt a rush of panic surge through her body but she tried to subdue it knowing there was no reason for it – she knew they would never leave her behind! She jumped up out of the bed and ran into the bathroom and looked around the tiny room at least half a dozen times before she was convinced that it was empty. She went over to the door and looked out of the window and saw the car gone. Her stomach didn't sink it disappeared leaving a completely empty gap inside of her. She couldn't tell whether she wanted to cry or scream out in rage.   
  
Standing near the window she glanced down at the table and the ashtray caught her eye. It was full of three cigarettes, which she could tell were from Faith – she had a certain way of putting them out that was always the same. Under the ashtray was a folded piece of paper; she grabbed it quickly and unfolded it. Faith's boxy, graffiti-like handwriting was obvious as it was streaked diagonally across the page. She absorbed the letter in it's entirety, noting the quick pace of the letters but how the pressure of the pen on the page showed how it wasn't rushed when written and how each stroke was deliberately not only painted but pressed onto the page.   
  
'Hey Kennedy – I know you'll understand this even if it's not right away but you know this is the only way… kiddo, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me… I only did this because I hoped it would be what you needed to get through this. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Kennedy I love you and don't you dare let anyone convince you otherwise – ever! -Faith.'   
  
Kennedy held the paper so tightly in her hand that her knuckles turned white and her fingertips were fire red. Before she even realized there were tears streaming from her eyes and onto the paper. She thought she was angry but she knew it wasn't that simple when she protectively began to wipe her tears from the page, careful not to smudge any of the writing. The door to the room opened quickly and Kennedy turned with a jump. Gunn and Wesley were in the door,   
  
"Kennedy, I'm Gunn and this is Wesley… I'm a friend of Angel's and-"  
  
"I'm Faith's Watcher," Wesley announced proudly. The glow in his tone was something he would never admit to but it was undeniable. Kennedy nodded and folded the paper up and followed them out closing the door pensively behind her.   
  
THE END! 


End file.
